Today's Bisexual Thoughts: Are We Making Sexuality Harder Than It Has to Be?

24 Mar

Of course we are and probably more here in the US than anywhere else in the world and not so much in terms of what’s normal and what isn’t… but in terms of whether or not bisexuality is a real thing, what it’s supposed to look and be like and redefining it in ways to salve individual sensibilities.

We damned well know that bisexuals exist and that bisexuality is real – and just as real as being straight and gay are. We bemoan men having sex with each other and sometimes the jury is out about women having sex with each other but we seem to be… confused over those folks who have sex with both men and women, how that’s supposed to happen and even what its being identified as from “simple bisexuality” to the inclusion of terms like cis-male/female and lumping gender identity into the mix and as if a transgender couldn’t be bisexual.

And you kinda get tired of asking yourself why we continue to make such a big deal out of this and why so many continue to insist that bisexuality isn’t a real sexual orientation. When you look at how long it took for homosexuality to be recognized as a real thing – and what homosexuals had to endure along the way – and including homosexuality being officially listed as a mental illness (until 1974 or so), well, you can see how we’ve been making sexuality harder to get a grip on and to accept than is necessary.

As I keep saying, there are the way things are supposed to be… and then there’s the way things really can be and we, collectively, are beginning to move away from the notion that bisexuality isn’t a real thing which is good… but the bad part is that we continue to muddy the waters over how it’s supposed to be done, when it can be, when it can’t be and other such things that, at least for me, continues to point out a frightening level of immaturity and puerile thinking as we still insist that sex can only – and should only – be engaged and enjoyed in one way only and even then with a lot of conditions attached to it.

For decades, I have been both amused and frightened at how we react to sexuality and how stuck in the mud we are about something we’ve known about. I sit back and observe bisexuals (in particular) go on and on about how hard it is for them to be bisexual when, really, being bisexual isn’t all that difficult… but we make it difficult. I maintain that bisexuality is very different today than it was when I was growing up with it because it lacked a lot of the conditional things that exists today.

More casual than relationship based and I’m really not joking when I say it was as easy as asking, “Hey, do you wanna do it?” and with the only caveat being “I won’t tell if you won’t.” What was being done wasn’t much of a matter but the key issue was, again, do you wanna do it with me even though we’re both boys (or girls)? And over all this time, I have sat back and watched this get more convoluted and difficult than at any other time I can recall.

And, I think, without many people even noticing, bisexuality – as well as homosexuality – tends to follow the heteronormative norms but this doesn’t surprise me so much because if we don’t know anything, we know “how to be straight” in that sense; how sex is supposed to occur, when it does, even what to do and what not to do. Monogamy, exclusivity, no sex on the first date – and the fact that bi guys are more concerned with the cluster fuck that is dating than they are anything else other than health issues and for this scribble, the disease card is going to stay in the deck.

I shake my head over how something that used to be fairly simple has become anything but simple. The Hearts, Not Parts gang has succeeded in injecting a high degree of heteronormativity into things and that it’s improper behavior to have sex with someone simply because they have the parts you wanna have sex with but even they tend to have lost sight of the fact that very few people have sex with someone without taking the person into consideration, i.e., it’s very damned unlikely for someone to have sex with someone they really don’t like for some reason.

I observe what men put themselves through trying to get some dick… and it’s incredible in its complexity and pretty much bypasses a certain simplicity… but we do live in an era where instant gratification is the watchword of the times – I want what I want and in the exact way I want it – and no substitutes allowed and its non-negotiable. Dick not big enough? Rejected. Not Ken-like in your physical presence? Rejected. Not interested in establishing a relationship? Rejected. Color of your skin not “right?” Rejected. Just want to do a “blow and go?” Rejected.

I understand that it’s a reality people are living with now – it’s just that I can easily and clearly recall when it was never like this. As far as that coming out thing went, well, thanks to the hell homosexuals were being subjected to, oh, fuck no – why give someone a stick to beat you with and even literally so? We still tend to give women a pass on this one because, duh, given how inept men are at delivering both emotional and physical succor in the way women tend to need, who’d blame them for getting with each other when dick, alone, just ain’t gonna cut it? But we continue to give lesbians the stink eye because dick ain’t their thing so much.

And any man who has sex with another man is just the worst motherfucker ever born. And the very worst part about all of this is we still want to believe this even when, again and again, the evidence that refutes all of this is pretty much right in our collective faces; we maintain that just because “I” wouldn’t do some shit like that, no one should.

Cityman and I talk about this a lot at times and he’s more of a “new generation” bisexual man than I am – and even he sees how totally convoluted we – collectively – are about sexuality and how difficult we – collectively – continue to make it just to be able to have sex – period.

And I’ll be damned if I will ever fully understand why we keep behaving like this. But I guess if it was really that easy, anyone – and, perhaps, everyone – would be doing it; perhaps there’s no… challenge in keeping it simple and idiot-proof. Maybe it’s just in our nature to make mountains out of molehills. I don’t know… but I continue to be amazed by it but, then again, I have the advantage of not being new to this.

I started writing this on 03 March but set it aside because after writing the last paragraph, I’d lost my train of thought and realized that my train got derailed because I was getting frustrated. Today is 24 March… and it’s taken all this time to get my head right even though, in the intervening 21 days, I continue to see guys making being bisexual difficult. I get that guys want to be safe and it remains true that the worst nightmare for any bisexual is to be in a relationship… and then with someone who is totally straight and someone who might not understand this bisexual thing when, in and of itself, it’s not really that hard to understand.

Someone on the forum asked a question along the lines of do bi bottom guys behave differently when they’re having sex with a woman – and pegging was part of the person’s statement. I thought it was an odd question and, as usual, a lot of guys responded by talking about what they prefer and what they haven’t done. Myself and a couple of other guys did address the question and even I asked, “Why would anyone think it’s so drastically different?”

As men and having sex with women, we know what the deal is, what’s expected of us and those of us who enjoy having our butts played with are of a mind that if – and it’s a big if – a woman is of a mind to give us the finger, insert a vibrator, or even strap one on and fuck us, well, that’s a huge plus… but, by and large and even generally, some women just ain’t gonna do that and more so when they’re not of a mind to have their own butt messed with.

To that end, some bi guys are bottoms because they can be screwed and something women can’t or won’t do for them. Duh, right? But no matter how we like being with men, we know to “set that aside” when we’re having sex with a woman and especially when we know or are otherwise “certain” that if we were to ask her to put a finger or a toy in our butt, we’re gonna have some explaining to do (and depending on the woman in question, of course).

We nitpick the shit out of this and as if we “want” this to be something other than what it really is and, yeah, it mystifies me and it does frustrate me at times because I’ve not gotten any closer to understanding why we make this harder than it has to be and, again, I grew up at and in a time where it wasn’t so complicated or complex. You either wanted to do it or you didn’t. None of the stuff bi guys today are stating as a hard-set necessity just didn’t exist. If two guys ran into each other and decided that having some kind of sex with each other was a good idea, they just did it and if that top/bottom schism was in play, fine, and if a guy wasn’t of a mind to top or bottom, there was always cock sucking – problem solved, the need for sex taken care of.

I won’t tell if you won’t. Yup – two guys could decide that what they did was a lot of fun and they should try to get together again for more of the same; not exactly FWB but more of a matter of convenience and while it could be said that it was a FWB kind of thing, the thought of anything looking like exclusivity in this was not all that desirable and it was, I guess, understood that there were women to be screwed and other guys who’d want to do it so being jealous or otherwise bent out of shape because your go-to guy was laying the pipe elsewhere just didn’t make any sense.

I sit and read stuff every day and from many different sources and, I gotta admit: Sometimes, I wonder what the hell they’re talking about because they’re talking about something that doesn’t even – or no longer – resembles what I’ve experienced as a bisexual. I’m not talking about the sex so much although, yeah – some of today’s bi guys are pretty freaky. It’s the mindset that has me ranting like this and, as I’ve been observing, a real and serious push to make bisexuality “normal” and, again, in the heteronormative way.

Which, I guess, also means that we need to make this as complicated as we can make it. It is what it is now – not hard for me to really understand that – but my very curious mind wants to know why it’s the way it is now; it questions – and, perhaps, futilely – why the dynamic has morphed into what it is today, like behaving like bisexuals but insisting that they’re not and that the word itself doesn’t apply to them.

And I remain the one bi guy who is asking, “What the fuck is going on with this and where the fuck are we going with it?” That more men and women are embracing bisexuality is, in my opinion, a good thing; that more men and women are overly complicating thing just continues to amaze and baffle me.

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s not really that difficult. The heteronormative agenda that says any kind of intimacy shouldn’t be done without some sort of commitment isn’t invalid… but it’s still not the only way to go about being bi because, for many, it’s still about the sex and it’s been proven – and frowned upon – that one can have amazing sex without having to commit to more than that. No – one just doesn’t really jump into bed with just anyone but when I look at what guys are setting as conditions in this, wow.

Just wow. I’m seeing bi guys setting conditions that would make a lot of women look as if they have no conditions of their own… and we do know how conditional women are and I even know why. Guys are now harder to engage with than women are and I’ve found myself revising an earlier opinion that men were easier to get next to than women. That used to true… but it no longer is.

Guys who make it really easy to bed them are now the bad guys. I see guys creating and stating preferences that, upon further review, tend to guarantee that they’re never gonna find a guy to be with or they’re gonna be highly pissed when the guy they do manage to get with doesn’t want to be his boyfriend or exclusive lover. And when I ask guys why they’re making this harder than it has to be, whew, either they can’t really answer the question or I get to hear some stuff about it’s what they want and the way they want it and if they can’t get it that way, that’s a problem.

It’s not that guys aren’t aware that by having such stringent preferences and conditions they lessen and decrease their chances to get what they want in this… but many are not of a mind to make it easier for themselves even when, logically, it makes sense to keep it simple… and I really don’t understand why and, yeah, it frustrates me and makes me rant like I’ve lost my mind.

I’m not really stuck in the past and not really all that set in my ways because I do understand how dynamic this all is – it’s subject to change and, boy, is it ever changing! I’m just the guy who needs to know why it’s changing and in the way it is and not just go along with it and without giving any thought about it. While it’s slowly becoming acceptable for people to be bisexual, it seems conditional, i.e., if you do it the way things have always been done, that’s fine but if you keep doing shit the way it used to be done – let’s just have sex and without any strings involved – well, you’re not doing it right. If you make it easy for someone to take you to bed and have sex with you, you’re not doing it right.

And I guess if you’re not making it horribly difficult to do anything, you’re not doing it right either. Maybe it’s just the way we are, that doing things the easy way is… too easy? Doesn’t make it challenging?

Okay, I’m finally done ranting. I see it; I see what’s happening and where this is going. I don’t yet know why it’s going the way it is and, even with my own biases intact, that we’re making this whole bisexual thing very complicated just defies logic as I understand it.

It’s like what Cityman asked one day when we were talking about this: Why can’t two guys just get together even if all they do is blow each other? I said, “Because for some reason, that’s just too easy – it makes too much sense, I guess. When you run into a guy who’s into this and he tells you that he’d go to bed with you if you were taller (or some other thing), well, I’m thinking there’s something wrong here; there’s a disconnect happening that, perhaps, shouldn’t happen – yet it does.”

“You might not agree to do something with a guy who just walks up to you and propositions you but if y’all talk some more about it and it’s deemed doable, well, why not? Except, it’s not that easy, is it? And the thing is that I can’t tell you why it’s not as easy as it appears to be… or it used to be: I just know it isn’t.”

I love poking Cityman by pointing out how he lets his preferences dictate what he does and doesn’t do. I point out to him that if a nice-looking white guy made him an offer he felt okay with, well, he’d turn it down… and in favor of what he prefers – older men who aren’t Caucasian. I poke him – a lot – to get him to explain this and it’s not that I don’t understand what he says about it… but I ask him whether he thinks that his reasoning tends to make him exclude and miss the kind of connections he wants to have, he says that he knows that it does… and he has a hard time stepping away from his preferences as well as being able to explain why he can’t.

And a lot of guys are like that and it serves to pique my curiosity even more because such guys know for a fact that they’re not helping their cause in this but are rarely able to change.

Amazing. Confusing and, yeah, frustrating. We make this harder than it has to be and all up and down the spectrum of sexuality. And I’ll be damned if I know why… but I’m still trying to find out why.

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Posted by on 24 March 2020 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts


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