As bisexual men, many of us are all too aware of the great divide and angst between ourselves and some women who are greatly offended over the fact that we know a lot of the things they do about men and do them, too. We’re aware that there’s a lot of… resistance where the acceptance of bisexuality is concerned among the masses and the perception is that heterosexuals are the driving force behind this resistance – but that’s only partially true given the number of homosexuals who have reason not to say anything nice about bisexuals.
Even way back in my younger days, the mindset was you were either straight or you were gay and anyone who was neither was confused and in denial or became the butt-end of many jokes and even if the subject of the joke was, in fact, quite straight; sometimes the subject would get all riled up and start professing his straightness and declaring how much pussy he’d conquered; sometimes the subject would laugh right along with everyone else and sometimes the subject would be “suspiciously” quiet but, still, being a bisexual in hiding wasn’t as serious a thing as it is today.
I’d met a gay guy and we got together to have some oral sex with each other and, afterward, he asked me a question I’d never heard before: “Why aren’t you gay?” He didn’t ask me if I was gay and a question I’d been asked many times before and, as such, easy to answer: Nope, not gay – I go both ways. He and I actually had a really nice conversation about his question to me and, after my brain settled down from being surprised at the question, I told him that I’d had enough experience and evidence to prove to myself that just being gay wouldn’t work for me, that and I couldn’t deny how much I loved women and pussy so giving up one for the other didn’t make sense to me.
After that moment, it seemed that I was running into a lot of gay men who’d insist that I stop being in denial about being gay, give up women, and stick with just men. I actually had a gay man tell me that if it weren’t for the fact that I’d had my dick in pussy – and he said it like it was a curse word – that he wouldn’t hesitate to suck my dick. I didn’t know whether to be offended or to laugh at that. Some gay men I’d slept with didn’t give a fuck that I went both ways while others – and, oddly, after the sex was over and done with, would go off the rails because I wouldn’t give up women and their “nasty pussies” and stick with guys only. That one would wind up having me say, “You didn’t say that a little while ago, huh?”
But the question had exposed me to the schism between bi and gay guys and, for the most part, it was pretty vicious. I’d often find myself listening to a gay man tell me that he could do more for me than any woman ever could… and instead of being offended (which I had to learn to not be), I’d come back with, “Okay… but could you have my babies?” – and watch them loose their shit and often in some hilarious ways.
It’s bad enough these days to know that there are women who wouldn’t give you the time of day if it was needed to save your life if they even thought you were bi or, as I saw one woman write, “One of those fucked up down low motherfuckers…” but it’s just as bad that decades after I’d been exposed to gay men pushing their gay agenda on me, that narrowminded viewpoint continues to exist. I mean, I get it; everyone wants someone they can be with as a lover, partner and both and it makes sense that a gay man would want these things from a guy who is just like them… except not all guys who could fit the bill are gay and not of a mind to denounce women in favor of just being with men.
You get very tired of listening and/or reading about picking a side and staying there (which, I found, was a sentiment way older than I am) or being told that you’re in denial about what you really are; it continues to make my eyes roll to see people writing that bisexuality isn’t a real sexual orientation and, of course, by this point in my life, I think I’ve heard every negative thing that can be said about bisexuals and there’s probably some shit I haven’t heard yet because you know how it goes: Once you think you’ve heard it all, you find out that you haven’t.
The real question is why does this schism exist in the first place? It took me quite a bit of time to figure this one out: It’s actually human nature and the way we’ve always behaved: If you’re not like us, you’re against us and you will be dealt with in some kind of way. It speaks to how tribal we really are but given that we are a very social kind of animal, yeah, it makes sense that clashes of us versus them are going to show up and be waged and with both sides being more than willing and able to say all the bad shit they can about the others but not being of a mind to say anything good or nice about them.
When you have a “very gay” guy tell you that your mother should have swallowed instead of allow you to be born, you can get an idea of how nasty it can get in the trenches of this schism… and, yes, he said that and got his ass kicked because you do not – and will not – ever speak about my mother like that.
So the schism exists “simply” because everyone has an agenda in this, are of a mind that they way they are is the best – and sometimes – only way to be and you should be like them and if you aren’t, well, aren’t you all kinds of fucked up in the head? Bisexuals have always been the red-headed stepchild of the sexuality world, well, up until transgender folks appeared but this ain’t about them. And I don’t know about other bisexuals but I’ve seen this schism so much that I do wonder what the fuck is really going on with this; I ask myself why the factions against bisexuality are often only looking at one side of us – the homosexual side – but not the heterosexual side so much and, as such, keeping that “pick a side and stay on it” bullshit alive when it’s clear that a person can choose to be in the middle of things if they’ve decided that this is what works best for them.
Oh, wait; there’s not supposed to be anything between being straight and gay – how silly of me to have momentarily forgotten that.
I’ve heard more homosexuals tell me how confused and in denial I am than I’ve had heterosexuals say this. In fact and in my experiences, I’ve seen more heterosexuals be more “not in my backyard” about it; doesn’t matter to them one bit… just don’t ask them to get naked and have sex with you or anyone you care about. I’ve sat and listened to gay men go off the deep end about how fucked up women are and while being totally gobsmacked that they have so many bad things to say about women when some of them go about their lives trying to be more woman than the real thing and, yeah, some, ah, very gay men have best friends who are women.
In defense of many homosexuals, they’re not all totally against bisexuals and even they think this schism isn’t necessary and a total waste of energy and effort keeping this silliness going. Those open-minded folks understand that we – bisexuals – have much in common with them and just as we do with heterosexuals.
But it’s probably easier to not pay attention to the commonality and focus more on someone being neither straight or gay… but able to exist in both worlds. It continues to amaze the shit out of me that after first hearing that “you’re straight or gay” thing five decades ago that it’s still alive and well today and as if we, on the whole, haven’t learned a damned thing from what homosexuals – who were the original redheaded stepchild – had to endure. They weren’t supposed to exist, either but, duh, clearly they did; otherwise, what was everyone pitching a bitch about?
And we see the same insanity taking place today except bisexuals have replaced homosexuals as the target of ire for so many people. It can’t be real; we’re greedy, in denial – you’ve heard all of this crap – when, at least in my opinion, um, it’s not us who are in denial about anything.
It’s those people who refuse to accept that bisexuality is a real-deal thing and always has been. Why am I not gay? Because I don’t want to be and without offense to anyone, I find it limiting to just be on one side of things. I don’t have anything against anyone who wants to be on one side or the other; that’s just being petty and even childish so to behave in such a way is, I think, beneath me and very unbecoming. If I have something against you, chances are damned good it’s not because you’re straight or gay – you, as a person, just managed to get on my wrong side. I get that there are those who aren’t like me… and I’m good with that. I don’t even push some kind of agenda on anyone but, sure, I’ll say if you want or need to, try it – but if you don’t, it’s no big deal.
I’ll even tell you what’s both good and bad about it and in some situations I’d even try to talk you out of going both ways. Shit… I don’t even “wish” more people were bisexual because I know better than to have such an unrealistic POV. People are gonna be whatever they need to be in these things and the bad part is that the schism is going to keep appearing because there’s always going to be that one person who’s gonna hate on you because you’re not even close to being the way they are and the way they expect you to be.
It’s just human nature, really; one might think that at this point in our evolution, we would have outgrown this kind of behavior – and, clearly, we haven’t. I’ve been aware of this schism for decades and for a lot of decades before bisexuality became the hot-button topic it has become today. In some ways, a lot of people just don’t give a fuck if you’re bisexual and in other ways, yeah – some people do give a fuck and not in a nice way.
One day, maybe we’ll learn to put this stuff behind us…