If you’re at all interested in what it’s like to be married and having a new person join the relationship, take some time and read these three posts. While the content is about domestic discipline, the posts are rich with a sense of what it takes to break some rules and doing some sundering – on purpose – and for the benefit of one and all.
I know for myself, it was the adventure of a lifetime, both one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done and one of the most insane things. Some might think that these… arrangements are just about sex but there’s much more to it than that although, yeah – the sex is probably unlike anything you could experience since it’s a lot more than just the much-dreaded threesome.
You go along, just the two of you… and somehow, some way, and for some reason, two becomes three (and not counting any existing children). It’s an option that’s becoming more of a thing these days and, in my opinion, it’s the ultimate relationship and one that will put everything you thought you knew about love, sex, and relationships to one hell of a test. Man, talk about life-changing? Talk about how much you’re gonna find out about yourself, the person you’re married to, and then whomever was chosen to join you?
I’ve sometimes thought that if I knew then what I know now, I probably wouldn’t have done this – easy to say, right? At the same time, I do know and the question I’ve asked myself has been, “If you could, would you do it again?” The “bad” part is, yeah – I would… because there’s nothing else like it, nothing you can compare it to. It takes being in an open relationship and seriously expands it; many find that being in an open relationship is difficult enough and, comparatively speaking, being in an open relationship is easy.
This isn’t. Jennifer and her clan figured it out; they’ve made it work and is, in my opinion, the perfect example of how to do it and she’s been gracious enough to share her experiences in this and how she deals with things and how her extended family works. I think you’d have to hit her archive to get the full flavor of her journey in this, to see the high and low points, a few personal struggles, but with the commitment to not only go this route, but to do her part to make it work.
For me, her domestic discipline thing is icing on the proverbial cake; you don’t have to have a “kink” to be able to do this but the gist of it all is that you sure as hell have to be willing and able to step way out of the box and be so unconventional in this kind of relationship… while making it look and feel like it’s been like this since “the original” couple got married and instead of two “standing at the altar,” there were three – and all committed not only to each other but to the scope and vision of the expanded relationship.
I know that, as more people found out about what we were doing, they said that I was either the luckiest motherfucker who ever lived… or the most insane one. One guy told me, “Having one wife is bad enough… and now you have two? What the fuck were you thinking about?” Well, I had three but that’s not really the point. There is so much stuff you have to deal with, so much stuff you have to learn – like I said, everything you thought you knew about being in a relationship gets rewritten to the point where you’re pretty much always in unknown territory.
While one can search the Internet and find all kinds of information on how to form such a family, at best, it’ll be more of a guideline, more like suggestions, because how the dynamic works depends on the people involved, why they’ve come together like this, and being able to work out how this is gonna work… and with the sure and certain understanding that there are going to be sinkholes – not bumps – in the road to be traveled.
You not only have to deal with the internal stuff – but if you think you’re gonna do this and other people aren’t going to notice or figure it out – and then start asking questions, I’d say you’re sadly mistaken. One of the hardest things I had to do in this was explaining it, sometimes in detail, sometimes being rather vague about things like someone asking, “Hey… are the three of you in a relationship?” and me responding with, “Yeah, we are…” – and leaving it at that.
“How the hell did that happen?” My answer? “You really don’t wanna know and you’re probably not gonna believe me.” I caught a lot of flak from women who’d roast me for being such an arrogant asshole to have a harem and it would piss me off big time and more so when I would try to explain the dynamic… and now I’m not only an asshole but I’m a liar on top of it. I got so “used” to be some kind of bad guy that whenever some woman figured it out and wanted to read me the riot act, I’d just ignore her because I saw no point in trying to explain something that they’d refuse to believe, oh, like the fact that doing this wasn’t my idea to begin with.
I just agreed to it. Then I had to figure out how to make it work and I’ll ask you to once again believe me when I tell you that it might sound “easy” but it’s anything but. I remember too many nights when I laid in bed between the two of them, watching them sleeping… and wondering just what the fuck did I get myself into and trying to peek into the future to see what tomorrow was gonna be like; to borrow a phrase I read in a book, the only easy day was yesterday.
When I’ve written about this in the past, I’ve pointed to some skills that are very necessary: Time management along with problem and conflict resolution. You have to be a negotiator, a referee, an arbitrator and if you know something about psychology, that’ll help. Dealing with different personalities, well, it’s a bitch and a half and dealing with the emotional aspects, and, oh, my god; it didn’t take me long to figure out why someone would think I had lost my mind in being a part of this… because I questioned my own sanity quite a bit. Along the way, I learned some very important shit and in terms of what not to do; I’ve said it before and I’ll keep on saying it.
If you’re not grown up enough, don’t even think about doing this. If you are unable to get rid of emotions like envy, jealousy, selfishness and possessiveness, well, bluntly, you’re fucked – and not in a good way. And if you have no idea how to deal with these things in others, well, what do you think? Doubly fucked would be a good way to put it… and that doesn’t even come close to what it’s really like.
The sex? Not as easy as it sounds. It’s hard enough “keeping track” of what one woman likes, doesn’t like, whatever… but for two of them? Ha… I know some of the guys who knew would tell me how lucky I was and I’d say, “Well, yeah… if you say so.” This ain’t like an one-off kind of threesome thing; this is an everyday part of your responsibilities in the relationship and while some might say that it’s not all about the sex or it’s “not really that important,” well, guess again. It is important and if you really want to have your limits put to the test? This will do it… and it is humbling. And let’s not talk about sexuality issues… unless you’ve got something for the headache you’re gonna get handy…
And that’s being nice about it. Oh, yeah – you also have to be to “see the future” or, perhaps more accurately, you have to see the problems before they show up. It’s not enough to know that some shit is gonna get and be fucked up – you have to figure out what’s gonna get fucked up, when it’s gonna happen, why it’s gonna happen… then “see” what’s gonna have to be done to fix it… and if it can be fixed. Then you have to be as proactive as you can be to head off any issues you feel, think, and/or believe is going to show up… then convince those who are with you that whatever you’ve “seen” coming down the road is gonna happen.
Now, don’t get me wrong. This is an experience to top and end any experience you’ve ever had; like I said, there is nothing else like it. It is rewarding beyond belief but is also like walking a minefield in the dark… and blindfolded. When things go right, sheer heaven… and when they go wrong – and things will go wrongly… yeah: What were you thinking about when the two of you decided this would be a good thing to do?
What makes this even more difficult is the fact that we barely learn how to have a relationship with one person; while there are, again, loads of guidelines and suggestions on how to make your relationship simply stellar, that’s all they really are – guidelines. Suggestions. Lots of pie-in-the-sky shit and every relationship is more like on the job training than really knowing how to do this… and keeping in mind that the person you’re with has their own ideas about how this is supposed to and gonna work.
Then add someone else to the mix. Then, for shits and giggles, add someone else. Then try to take everything and everyone and mold it all into one “seamless” thing. Is your head hurting? It should be. And it will. It’s the reason why I say that you not only have to be really grown up, you have to take everything you think you know about relationships and throw it all away so you can learn a very different way to be in one.
And if you can’t to this and can’t manage to get and keep everyone involved on the same page, well…
Jennifer and her clan figured it out. In fact, a lot of people do. It is, without a doubt, the hardest thing one can ever do as well as the craziest, most insane thing you will ever do in your life…
And it’s worth it. It really is even when you will have moments where you’ll be wishing you never decided and/or agreed to do this. But if you can make it work, it just doesn’t get any better than this.
If you want to get more of a real-deal perspective of this, go read Jennifer’s blog. Most people who try this don’t last very long; our relationship lasted a couple of decades and Jennifer celebrated five years of being in this kind of relationship so as far as I’m concerns, she’s a heroine of the highest order and so are the members of her clan – and especially her husband.
Do ya really think it’s heavenly to be the only guy and “surrounded” by women? It is… and not so much. Are you of a mind that this is totally and completely insane? It is… and probably more than you can imagine. Don’t think you could do this? You probably can’t and more so if you believe in the way relationships are supposed to be… and this sure as shit ain’t the way things are supposed to be… but in many way, it also is. It’s polyamory… but much deeper; it’s not “just sex” but way much more than just that. Monogamy? Forget that shit – not gonna work.
I’ve seen stuff written about this that talks about the core relationship and how important it is to preserve it and there’s some good sense in this… and it’s also a good way to fuck shit up because it tend to evoke an “us and them” kind of thing when, in reality, there should only be “us” and regardless to how many people are involved. I’ve seen where single folks are going about this and, um, it’s not all that easy when there’s no real core relationship to build upon… and even harder when there is a core relationship to build upon. And harder still when you and your “partners in crime” live under the same roof.
Glorious. Beyond anything you could dream of… and it can be your worst nightmare made real if you’re not willing to see it all through for as long as it can go. You have to be committed… which also means you probably should be committed because this shit is beyond crazy.
But if you can do it – and do it as right as everyone can make it – there’s just nothing else like it and nothing else will ever compare to it. A long time ago, our family of five became a family of nine with five kids, three wives, and me. Holy shit. I would think that if someone had told me I’d find myself up to my pretty brown eyes in this, I would have laughed so hard and told them they were out of their fucking minds.
I’m not laughing and maybe, just maybe, I was the one who was a few fries short of a happy meal. Absolutely the most wonderfully insane thing I’ve ever done and been a part of.
Thanks go to Jennifer for the inspiration to write this. You rock, Jen!