One of the firs things I remember about being told about sex – and other than not to even think about it – was that you never have sex with someone you don’t care about or are in love with. Why? I dunno… I asked and got, “Because that’s the way it is and I said so!”
“How will I know if I’m in love?”
“Trust me – you’ll know.”
“Oh.” Well, that was helpful, wasn’t it? What I eventually learned is that sometimes, um, someone wants to have sex and it’s not because they really like you or they’re in love with you: They just wanna do it. Boys/men, well, we will forever have that bad rep of wanting – and being able – to have sex without emotional attachment or commitment and many a woman has been bullshitted with promises of us liking them and even loving them when, nah, all we wanted was da booty, thank you very much… but if it was good, uh-huh – we’ll be back for more.
Okay, now, the answer to the statement that caused me to ask a question that really didn’t get answered is that when you care about someone and/or are in love with them, any sex you have has meaning since it’s being done because that emotional connection is there. Yep – when you care/love someone, the sex can be amazing, comforting both physically and emotionally and can deepen the bond that’s been created between the two people. All well and good… except.
Sometimes, you just wanna get laid. Period. One of the things, at least early on and as I experienced it, was that getting with a guy “made sense” because guys – unless they were gay – weren’t interested in being romantic and as required by the gals. It required a commitment, a bunch of promises – stuff like that – that guys, really, were interested in and maybe not so much – at first. So, again, it made sense that if another boy wanted to do something, ya didn’t have to jump through a whole bunch of hoops and find yourself making promised that you probably didn’t want to keep.
“Hey… do you wanna do it?”
It was really as easy as that. Shit, at least among my peers, there was no specific thing to be done and “doing it” meant that dicks got sucked and asses got fucked. Thanks – we should do this again, huh? Now, sure, if it was a friend who wanted to do it, okay – you knew them, liked them to some degree but, uh, we’re not gonna be boyfriends or anything like that even though since we’re friends, hell, yeah – we can do it any time you want to.
With someone you either didn’t know or wasn’t exactly a friend, well, that required some thinking but, yeah, it’s well-known that us guys tend to think with our dicks first and foremost which could be just fine… or one of those moments you’d wind up wishing you never agreed to. The thing was that even if a girl liked you, that didn’t mean she was gonna let you do it to her because girls are told something entirely different about having sex and, shit, none of it makes guys look good at all and, importantly, if a girl gives it up to a guy who says he cares (or whatever) about her and she finds out after the fact that he doesn’t, well, girlfriend, you just fucked up big time.
One thing that stood out to me was that, yeah – you just didn’t have sex with someone you didn’t like and no matter how bad you or they wanted to do it. If you had an enemy – and who didn’t? – that person would be the last person on earth you’d do it with and, as the saying goes, not even if your life depended on it.
But if we’re cool, well, sure – let’s do it! And amongst us guys, we weren’t even gonna promise each other that we weren’t going to do it with some other guy and if we found out that we did do it with someone else, no one got mad about it… but, yeah, tell me how it was with them. Sometimes, when doing it with your friends – but also with others outside of the group, questions of who did what better could come up and, yeah, sometimes, feelings got hurt if you told your boy “Dave” that “Sam” did suck your dick “better” or if you fucked, that was better than it was with “Dave.”
You learn to keep your mouth shut about stuff like that because if you don’t, you and “Dave” won’t be doing it any more. Still, sex among us guys was usually done with friendship in place and done just because we wanted to do it, needed to do it, and could do it. Should a guy not want to do it or other things prevented it from happening right then and there, well, that’s too bad – I really wanted to do it with you but, okay, maybe later.
At some point, though – and with the thought in mind that sex is better when it’s with someone you like and they like you – you learn that girls aren’t the only ones who get gaslighted and lied to. Some guy will feed you a raft of shit about how much he likes you and all that and you do it with him and, on the one hand, it was good but on the other, it was fucked up because you found out that he didn’t even like you like he said he did.
He just wanted to have sex with you. Yet another bad rep we have is our tendency to hit it and get in the wind and, sometimes, never to be seen again… and even when the sex is between guys… and that really sucks. It makes you feel used and dirty and even stupid because the guy tricked you and you fell for it hook, line, and sinker. Damn! I’m never gonna let that happen again and lesson learned.
But it happens again or happens differently, like, homey likes you today but next week, well, now he doesn’t like you all that much for some reason or the way you liked him has changed. It happens and so much that it’s not too hard to understand why women are the way they are about having sex, i.e., if you can’t prove that you really do like me as much as you say you do, you’re not getting anything from me and, oh, yeah, by the way, you’re gonna have to keep proving it.
So one gets to experience the angst toward sex without feelings and because it’s often kinda fucked up – because they really didn’t like you – it’s easy to equate this with sex being meaningless and empty because, as we’ve been told, sex without that emotional connection and commitment is bad and doesn’t mean anything. I mean, how many of us have been horny as fuck and ready to jump the bones of the first person we come across – that we know – and, shit: Not gonna do it with them because I don’t like them for some reason?
We’ve all experienced it and because it can suck in very bad ways, we vow to never have sex with anyone unless they can prove that they do like or even love us so that we don’t feel some kind of way about having sex with them… except we also learn that even when love is in play, bleh, the sex ain’t all that. And no one ever really thinks about the fact that people change over time and so do their feelings.
Yet, we still pursue sex in the same way: If you’re not gonna be about us or we ain’t feeling you, I don’t care how horny I am – nothing is gonna happen even though I know that if I don’t do it, well, that’s not gonna be a good thing. So while guys developed this thing where just being friends enough to have sex – but nothing that looked like romantic interest – was the “rule,” eventually, this was going to change…
Into what I tend to see today. Remember this saying? “Women look for a relationship and find sex while men look for sex and find a relationship.” And I’ll be damned if it isn’t true and when I first saw it a few years ago now, I didn’t believe it until I really thought about it.
There are few guys who enjoy sex with other guys who will go about it in the casual mode, you know, doing it just because it can be done. Friendship would be nice and a more committed kind of friendship even better because, as everyone knows, relationship sex is the best sex even though we also know that, sometimes, it isn’t.
Guys have gone from “emotionless sex” to only wanting it with deeper emotions other than lust involved. They’re saying that it’s empty, lacks meaning, is cheap and tawdry… when, actually, it isn’t but we believe that it is because lust, a very powerful emotion, gets discounted as a real reason to have sex and because, duh, you’re not supposed to do it just because you have a great need to do it.
I know I’ve had people say that because I don’t require a guy to be all into me that I’m not really bisexual and such a sentiment makes me roll my eyes really hard because what I know and what I’ve learned is that I just have to like the guy enough to want to have sex with him and it’s not a guarantee that I will like him that much. For me, it was about making getting some dick easier instead of making it harder since, um, I know guys and I know, just like women do, that they’ll tell you anything they think they can get away with to get access to your body. So the first question I ask myself is usually, “Do I like him that much?” and either I do or I don’t.
The much-dreaded and hated “blow and go.” Shit… even I had a moment where I didn’t like that shit until I eventually learned why some guys behave like that and most of the time, it doesn’t have shit to do with you – it’s just something in our makeup that just makes us want to vanish like smoke in the wind after busting a nut or the refractionary period of sex and, yep, ya should go look it up because it might explain some stuff to you that you didn’t know about us.
Once I understood this, the blow and go stopped bothering me and, besides, it wasn’t like either of us were of a mind to pledge “undying love” or anything like that; we liked each other enough to do it, we did it, it was what it was and if we can do it again some time, great… but if we never see each other again, well, okay – my feelings ain’t hurt and the real bottom line was that I got to bust a nut or two.
Are the deeper feelings really needed? Nope – it just “works better” when they are in play. There’s a reason why some women get labeled as sluts because they’ll have sex and just because they wanna have sex; they don’t wanna be bothered with promises or commitments that they probably know ain’t worth a plugged nickel. Let’s just do it and there’s no other meaning behind it other than I wanted to do it, you look capable of doing it and whatever happens, happens.
Now, if they happen to find a relationship, that works. But that saying I mentioned has… balanced out? Not sure of the right word or phrase but now guys are looking for a relationship first and finding sex… and demanding it. All well and good… except there are still a lot of guys who, for whatever reason, don’t want to be bothered with a relationship. They like you enough to want to get naked and freaky with you but anything more than that? Oh, hell, no!
So you have a lot of guys who are feeling some kind of way because they’re of a mind to take sex out of the equation until a Mr. Right happens to come along and sweep them off their feet with a lot of affection that has nothing to do with lust first and foremost. I’m not saying this is a bad thing but I am saying it’s a curious one since I happen to know, again, that it didn’t use to be that way. There are guys literally pitching a bitch because they can’t get the dick they want and there’s no one out there to get it from when what they’re really saying is that they can’t find a guy who wants to be all into them so that they can have the sex they really and truly crave.
Or, like a told a bi guy who was still waiting for Mr. Right and was deciding to forego casual sex, “If you’re not willing to “interview” guys for the position of Mr. Right, how do you expect to find him? Do you really think he’s just gonna fall out of the sky for you? And, at the very least, when you’re “interviewing” guys, um, are you not getting laid?”
Men are guilty of being driven by their need to have sex and total assholes because we don’t “need” love or anything like that in order to have sex… and it’s changing. Depending on how one goes about such things, it’s neither good nor bad… but it is curious to see guys going about this in a similar way that women do: Relationship first, sex second and if you’re lucky. Guys are very much into dating and invoking the time-honored rule most women adhere to: No sex on the first date… or the second one; maybe the third one but don’t hold your breath. And if you’re not gonna be into me and prove – then keep proving – that you are, well, you need to get the fuck away from me; ya don’t have to leave but you can’t stay here.
Dude asked me once, “But doesn’t the sex lack meaning if the guy just blows and goes?” and my reply was, “I don’t think so because the lust and desire I felt that led to us blowing and going does, in fact, have meaning – we just don’t like believing that it does.”
“If it means nothing else, it means I got laid and now anything more than that is just gravy,” I had said while shrugging.
And he looked at me as if I were some kind of alien and then proclaimed that I was having sex the wrong way. I had said that if I were to sit on my hands and wait for some guy to come along and be madly in love with me or whatever, um, I’m not gonna be getting any dick when I need to.
It would be nice… but not really a requirement. Do we like each other enough to have sex? We do? That works… but for many, it most certainly does not work… and I still wonder why other than that thing that gets driven into our heads that sex without feelings is bad and, taking things further, sex without a relationship is the sin of fornication and is unholy, means nothing, and is forever empty and if it makes you feel used and dirty, well, that’s what you get for fornicating, you heathen!
I do get and understand it and, again, I’d never say one would be wrong to abide by this long-standing rule and preferred behavior. I’m just the guy who, again, has the nerve to tell you that sometimes, all you wanna do is get laid and keep it moving and that there’s really no shame in it but, yep, people will heap a whole lot of shame on you for doing it just because you want and need to do it.
The experts say that we should have sex because it’s good for both our mental and physical health and even if it’s masturbation. And some do invoke “relationship only sex” while others kinda/sorta say that if you find someone you can do it with when you need to, well, go on and do it and if anything else comes up as a result – like a relationship – so much the better, huh?
Except there ain’t that many people who buy into the sense of this; they’d rather make themselves – and others – unhealthy and hold out for that Mr. or Ms. Right before they give in to their need to have sex. Their choice and all that… but it begs the question of whether or not doing it just because you want and need to do it is really a legitimate reason to do it?
Many say it isn’t. They’re also the people who aren’t getting laid as much as they may want to. Casual sex is seen as abnormal behavior when a famous psychiatrist once said, “The only abnormal sex is not having sex at all.”
I leave it up to each and everyone of you think about what, if anything, love has to do with any of this and whatever you decide up is what you decide – I ain’t judging or hating…
It’s just something that got into my head. Again, I know that in days gone by, guys didn’t behave like this… but now they do and, well, it is what it is but that doesn’t mean it can’t be questioned.