It’s hot-button topic time!
A bi guy shared that he came out to his family and with these results: All but one child was cool with it and the one who wasn’t cool is now feeling some kind of way because his dad is bisexual and has been for a long time.
His wife discovered his PreP medication, put 2+2 together and along with his confession, immediately called for a divorce and got totally bent out of shape with him because he cheated on her even though, as this guy has mentioned in his bisexual origins, he didn’t start partaking of dick until his wife stopped having sex and/or otherwise being intimate with him.
There has always been a great divide between men and women. We don’t think the same way, we don’t deal with our emotions in the same way and, duh, our thoughts about sex and intimacy are rarely on the same page and, at some point, the great divide where libidos are concern can make the deepest place on Earth – the Mariana Trench – look like a tiny ditch.
It’s a disturbing turn of events for this guy and with what I’d call the expected results and, once again, exposes the fallacy of being married in that you’re supposed to be everything your partner will ever need for the rest of their life and if that partner needs something that cannot be provided, well, too bad. You’re not gonna get it and if you take it upon yourself to get it, expect some lawyers to get involved and painfully so.
There’s a reason why being bisexual and married is the worst possible situation for someone to be in. There’s a reason why coming out to one and all might sound good on paper but doesn’t – or usually – produce positive results. There’s a reason why people resort to infidelity and, generally, it’s because they have wants and needs that marriage cannot provide for even though the unspoken part of those vows kinda/sorta say that you should do whatever needs to be done in order for the marriage to stay intact and working.
Yeah, not everyone is of a mind to do that, are they? Sometimes, the wants and needs are sex and just being intimate and part of the great divide is that men want and need the sex while women would prefer to have the intimacy without the sex even though most premarital relationships start out with a shitload of sex but, yeah, as we all know, that’s gonna go away at some point. Not only that but what marriage doesn’t allow for is… change. People want/need more sex, some find they want/need less sex, and some find that they want/need sex that cannot be obtained in the boy/girl way of things.
Not only are you not supposed to undergo any changes of this kind, you sure as fuck are not, should not, cannot say or do anything about it and, often, at the risk of having your whole life together torn asunder or, worse, I think, undergoing a lot of mental and emotional issues which often leads to physical issues. Even when the sex eventually falls off the table and vanishes into some deep, dark hole, it’s not as if the people involved don’t know that it shouldn’t be allowed to fall off the table – they do know it… and they let it happen anyway and now, hmm, there are some choices to be made.
Accept celibacy. Ooh… men don’t do well with this while women are often quite comfortable with it… or so they say. They don’t have to if they don’t want to and you can’t make them do it and if homey has a problem about it, the only thing he can do is to dump her, maybe start a new relationship with another woman… and have history eventually repeat itself and, yeah, those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it – big time.
Or, my god… they can take matters into their own hands and as an act of self-preservation, go get what they want and need from someone else which, of course, is very much forbidden. I recall having a conversation with another blogger way back when I first started blogging and she was going off the deep end because her man was found to be sleeping with other women and, according to her, he had no reason to do this. Ah, but after a little digging – and as she continue to explain – she had decided that she wasn’t going to have sex with him any more – and she listed a whole lot of reasons for her decision. She didn’t discuss this with her husband – she just cut him off, no explanations and, no, the topic isn’t open for discussion.
She vilified her husband and in ways that were epic. A lot of women rallied to her side to aid in the vilification of this man and saying that she bore no fault in his decision to cheat on her. Ah, but you know me: I asked her, “If you know you’re supposed to fuck your husband and you don’t, what do you think is gonna happen… and why would you think that it wouldn’t?”
Again, she went off the deep end and in ways that, to be honest, I expected her to, going on and on about her rights and all that and insisting that the implied actions the vows she took didn’t mean a damned thing and maintained that she had the right to take sex away from him and he had no business doing what he did.
Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? This next one gets even better.
Another married couple and married for years. Somewhere along the line, wifey came to the conclusion/decision that she needed the touch of a woman in her life to make her feel whole and complete. Oh, sure – she was having sex with her husband and enjoying it but it wasn’t enough. She mentioned this need to him and, not unexpected, homeboy went right off the deep end about it and offered up what I’d call the usual threats and telling her, “I am all you should ever want and need!”
Um, er, apparently not, huh? As she told me, she went along with his position on this but as anyone who is bisexual will tell you, the urge never goes away; she found herself becoming depressed, irritable, stuff like that and having sex with him, well, yeah, it kinda stopped being as wonderful as it had been, not that he was inept at it but because it wasn’t all she needed for her physical and emotional satisfaction.
She said that she didn’t intend on cheating on him but, yeah, she wound up sleeping with another woman and it was everything she had wanted and hoped it would be. Yes, she felt bad about it but she had asked, “What was I supposed to do? Isn’t he supposed to take care of all of my needs?”
Well, yeah, he’s supposed to but that “let no man put asunder” part of the deal just doesn’t allow for it. Okay… he found out about it and the shit hit two or three fans and she said that the worst part was his total inability to understand why she had the need for another woman that she had and him insisting that she should have never had that need in the first place.
It gets better. They didn’t separate or divorce but she learned that he had decided to partake of some dick as “revenge” for her getting some coochie and the matter was made more turbulent by him now insisting that he had the right to have sex with anyone he wanted to and if she didn’t like it, she could leave.
I heard about this and all I could do was shake my head. I had asked her, “Did it ever occur to either one of you to change the rules so that you could both get the… extra stuff you needed and keeping the marriage going strong?”
Apparently, neither of them did and, at the time I had spoken with her, the divorce was in progress and, according to her, was getting very, very ugly.
And in either of these cases, things didn’t have to happen the way they did. Maybe it’s just my opinion but the way you prevent infidelity of any kind from taking place is to remove all of the reasons for it to occur and sometimes that means allowing or providing what the other person needs when it’s pretty much impossible for them to do it or, as I like to say, if someone needs dick/pussy, um, the other person ain’t equipped to provide it. Now, if your job as spouse is to make and keep your partner happy and to the best of your abilities, if you found out that baby girl had a great need for the touch of a woman to go along with whatever sex she was having with him, why would you not deny her when doing so is going to make her a very miserable creature… and you’re gonna find out just how miserable she’s going to make thing?
Well, because you’re not supposed to allow it; being married gives no one any wiggle room in such things and the only thing one can do is suffer with being deprived or get out of the relationship which can be a problem all by itself when, in a lot of cases, the relationship was just fine… until this came up.
This great divide just keeps getting wider and deeper because we, as a matter of course, continue to play by the rules even when it becomes known, in some way, that the rules aren’t working. We would rather throw each other away like last week’s garbage than to sit down and figure out how we can do what we need to do while keeping the relationship whole and functioning.
The good news is that a lot of married couples – and unmarried couples, too, because they’re being held to the exact same rules (in case you never realized that) are discovering that changing the rules makes sense and more so when going it alone, in these days and times, ain’t all that easy. It takes a lot of thought and planning to figure out how to bend – or straight up break – the rules so they can fit the way they need them to fit but it can be done. It’s being done because, well, it makes sense for it to be done and more sense than throwing away a good relationship because those other needs can now be addressed and taken care of and, yeah, sometimes, they can be done together.
The divide between men and women isn’t going to go away. Things like sexuality can make the divide even bigger and we tend to believe and hold true that there’s nothing anyone can do to keep their relationship from falling into the abyss because, again, the rules say you can’t do anything.
The rules are wrong. Yeah, I know what they say and what they mean and I even know why the rules are the way they are. They’re still wrong. They are flawed in that they do not allow for the well-known fact that people change and for whatever reason that change takes place for them. The fallacy of the rules proves that most people won’t do jack shit for the sake of love for the person they say they’re so much in love with.
How did that line in the song go? “I’ll do anything for love… but I won’t do that…” and that, all by itself, speaks to the inherent hypocrisy many of us engage in and, oddly, it’s understandable since, even when married, we are always thinking about “me” and what’s good (or not) than we are thinking about what is the best way we can do things for “us.”
And sometimes, the best way to take care of “us” is to do our level best to provide our partner with what they need and, in this case and situation, sex and intimacy. If you’re not gonna do it – and for whatever reason that may be – why would you deprive the partner who still wants and needs it. Do ya need a different kind of sex and by that I mean sex with someone who happens to be, ah, physically like yourself? Nope, I”m not talking about exchanging one for the other and as people are wont to think is what’s going on – I’m talking about that need being an additional one and, crudely, what’s needed is pussy and dick because, well, um, that would make us happy campers and that happiness will envelop the whole relationship.
Or it could… if there wasn’t someone in the relationship who continues to believe that the rules are what they are and can never be changed for any reason… and even if it costs you what was a damned good relationship before any of this became known.
We are self-destructive in this and the most insane thing about this is that many of us will sit back and be all pissed off about this particular thing and let the relationship die.
Any wonder why the great divide keeps getting wider and deeper? Do you understand why people cheat on each other when, um, with a little “creative thinking,” it can be prevented? Do you really love the person you’re with enough to give them what they want and need because whatever you already have, while good and all that, isn’t all that they need? If you take sex and intimacy away from them – and, again, for whatever reason you feel you need to do this to them – why would you go off the deep end when you’ve left them to their own devices and, in their mind, they have no other choice than to get what they need even at the risk of trashing the relationship?
And how do you justify doing this and not giving a fuck if depriving them is going to result in either living with the most miserable person in the world… or they’re gonna up and leave you because, clearly, you don’t really give a fuck about them and you’re more worried about your own ass than you are about theirs?
The great divide. A supposedly unbridgeable gap that, really, social norms have created between us other than the biological differences between men and women. We’re never going to make it go away… but it is within our power to not let that divide get any wider and/or deeper.
We’re just not of a mind to do that. The guy I mentioned way back in the beginning of this? Lemme ask you something: Who do you think is at fault for the way things turned out for him? Are you like many people would be and say this is all his fault? That he had no right to pursue his own sexual desires and start sucking cocks because his wife refused to have sex with him but she had every right to not have sex with him even if, legally, she could be dragged into court for loss of consortium and that’s grounds for divorce?
Could things have been handled better? In some kind of way that wouldn’t result in divorce? Are you looking at these questions and saying, “Nope!” or are you thinking, “Yeah, but…” and you’re conjuring up a lot of stuff to follow the word “but?” What are you willing and able to do to preserve your relationship? Anything? Nothing? You okay with being part of the problem instead of being part of the solution?
You’d do anything for love… but you won’t do that… or anything else for that matter? That it can’t be done? Ya don’t believe it can or should be done? And, if by chance there’s someone who’s had their life tossed into the garbage disposal because of this situation, are you good with letting it go there when, perhaps, you – or both of you – could have kept it from getting ground up into itty-bitty pieces?
Yeah… I’m the guy who asks you about shit like this. And if you’d let the whole thing die, well, I knew you would because you either don’t believe in such shit or, if you do believe that it’s possible, you don’t know if your partner would be agreeable or not… and you’re very afraid to ask about it, afraid to tell them that while they are providing for your needs, they aren’t taking care of all of them and as far as sexuality is concerned, they are physically incapable of taking care of them because, um, if girlfriend needs some pussy in her sexual diet, the guy she’s married to doesn’t have one.
And do you think he’d be right to deprive her of what she needs? And, yeah, the reverse situation is just as applicable. Do you understand that what makes one or both of them wrong in this are the rules that are designed to remove any or all needs you have now… or will ever have in any future?
Do you see it? Can you get your head around any of this? Are of a mind that people who do break the rules are the ones who are all fucked up and doing shit the wrong way? Feeling some kind of way about yourself because you, too, have… other needs that you know aren’t going to be taken care of or even talked about so you just accept being deprived because that’s the way it’s supposed to be unless you break up?
You good with that? And if you are why are you?