If you manage to get through all of the stuff that needs to be done in order to agree to open up your relationship, there remains yet another hurdle: Finding someone – or someones – you can explore your newly-found (or newly won) freedom with.
If you had asked me, before all of this took place in my life, who’d I’d give my right arm to sleep with, I could have spent a week writing down the names of everyone I may have wanted to sleep with. After this life-changing moment?
Couldn’t think of anyone. Even worse, couldn’t even run into someone who, upon first glance, I could say, “Okay… that person might be fun!” Being bisexual, well, the male part of the equation wasn’t all that difficult since, in the majority of times, I didn’t have to go looking for a dick to play with – they’d find me and from “directions” that would have me getting that, “Who knew?” look on my face.
My biggest problem with women? Convincing them that I wasn’t lying to them when I’d tell them that I really did have permission to have sex with them, you know, if they were interested. It got to the point where I’d even tell them that if they didn’t believe me – and they didn’t – they could call my wife and hear it from her. Sometimes that worked, sometimes it just made women even more suspicious and suggest that I could have faked the confirmation and the woman they were talking to really wasn’t my wife.
As a guy, you get used to being summarily dissed by women and to the point when one tells you, nope, ain’t gonna happen, you just shrug, lick whatever tiny wound the rejection created – and as opposed to the huge, gaping wounds you could received and before you learned to get used to it – and keep searching for one who just might say yes. In this environment, whew – the rejection aspect was even more profound and in the early going, I thought, “What’s the point in being free to do something when it’s harder to make happen?”
Fits and starts… and hiccups. Even if you’ve developed a plan of action in these things there’s that saying the military has: No plan survives first contact with the enemy… and it is so very true! You learn that just because you and your partner have a plan – and maybe even several plans – in place, that doesn’t mean that those you might interact with, one, is going to go along with your plan or, two, doesn’t have a plan of their own that they’d prefer to put into play.
One of the things about being open that tends to defeat couples isn’t always what they may wind up doing – it’s the inability to do anything at all or you get someone interested, plans are made… and the whole kit and caboodle falls into a crack or otherwise never sees the light of day; the other person or persons gets cold feet, or realizes their own plan in this has way too many flaws, or one of their rules are in violation, or even, with couples, someone realizes that they’re in a position to wind up taking one for the team and/or the green-eyed monster arrives with all its bells and whistles on and, yeah – they just don’t believe a word you’re saying.
It’s frustrating to ask your partner, “Have you gotten any interest?” and they reveal the fits, starts, and hiccups they’ve been experiencing as well that might have the two of you asking what, if anything, you’re doing wrong… and chances are that you’re not doing anything wrong… you probably just kinda overlooked the fact that you still gotta be able to convince other people to have sex with you… and that can include anyone you do happen to know who may have said or even hinted that they wouldn’t mind having sex with someone who isn’t their partner.
Doesn’t mean that someone is going to be you. For a lot of couples, swinging is a “logical” solution and choice because, you know, swingers are just wild and crazy sexual animals who often have parties just for that purpose… and even in this, many find that this solution ain’t what it appears to be and being rejected – and for the tiniest of things – is just a way of life in the world of swinging. The hard thing to swallow in this is that they will tell you that if you get rejected, it’s not personal and, well, shit – I don’t know about you but rejection sure feels pretty damned personal to me.
Who wants to be told or have the feeling that you’re just not good enough for them? Now, it’s not that newly open couples cannot and do not have success in this venue – they do but it remains true in any of this that in order to have sex with someone, you still gotta convince them that doing so would be in their best interests.
Getting off the ground and running isn’t always that easy, from being able to find like-minded individuals or couples, to the ever-present specter of rejection and including all the fits, starts, and hiccups that seem to appear and more so when – and this the not-so-funny part – before y’all decided to be open, you were turning down offers for sex and almost as a matter of course.
What’s the solution? There’s only one that I know of and that is to not give up. Stick with it; remain dedicated to this; talk about any or all fits, starts, and hiccups and take a close look at your plan to see if there’s something that needs to be changed. Keep in mind that if you’re out there searching for others to play with, there are others out there doing the same thing… and the problem here is that unless you somehow make contact, there’s no way to know that they’re out there and looking just like you are.
You might even know someone – or someones – who might be interested and more so if you’ve ever heard them talking about it; hell, you may know someone who’d been hinting and hitting on you and you’ve – yeah – rejected them and, as such, they just might be gung ho to throw it down with you… but it might not be the slam-dunk you think it is.
That’s about the time you learn something very important: Thinking and doing really aren’t the same things. Even I learned that some folks can talk up a blue streak about how they’d love to get you in bed, you know, if you weren’t married (or otherwise in a relationship) but the moment you tell them, “Well, now you can!” um, shit, ah, all of a sudden, they don’t seem all that eager to make their fantasy about having you a reality – and if they believe you in the first place.
And they probably won’t. Again, it’s frustrating and a lot of couples just give up on their plans to be open. Sometimes it’s a waiting game; it can include being… daring enough to put out feelers to see if the person – or persons – you think would go for it are, in fact, of a mind to go for it. In this, you gotta be the ultimate salesperson and gain the skills necessary to counter – and even negate – any and every reason the others will offer about why they’re not going to get naked with you.
You have to be able to suspend their beliefs and, yeah, convince them that you’re not lying to them or – gasp – setting them up for something that’s gonna get them into trouble. You have to be ready and willing to tell them the whole story of why you’re asking them to have sex with you… while, at the same time, having the sure and certain understanding that they still – and probably – aren’t going to believe that your proposition to them is 100% legitimate.
And… it happens. It’s so easy to have spent an untold amount of time putting this being open thing together and now you’re ready to rock and roll… and it’s not happening or, worse, the fits, starts, and hiccups arrive to dash plans upon the rocks of failure. You should be proactive and learn from the failures, not only about yourselves and whatever plans you have but to take a look at the people you’re trying to entice into your bed and examine what their objections are – and then come up with a way to counter their objections.
It’s not easy and more so if, by chance, you already know someone – or some someones – who would be good playmates. It’s always good to know who is that open-minded about sex and that they just might have the same mindset about the flaws and fallacies of remaining monogamous… doesn’t mean that they’re gonna jump at the chance to have a roll in the hay with you and more so when we tend to abide by and hold true to the notion that friends don’t fuck their friends.
Which, of course, isn’t as true as it seems and, indeed, it tends to defy logic because we also tend to agree that it’s better the devil you know than the one you don’t. We say that screwing people we know – and know well – can destroy friendships and, yep – that can happen but – yep – it doesn’t always happen which, if anything, should make you pay closer attention to the people you know and determine if you can approach them or otherwise feel them out on the matter because the truth is that unless you ask, you’re never going to know.
Do your best to not let the rejections, fits, starts, and hiccups get you to thinking that doing this ain’t worth it and/or all you’re going to do is keep failing. More often than not, getting off the ground and running requires a great deal of patience as well as the ability to cultivate relationships with others and provided you’re fairly sure they can be convinced that not only are you as serious as a heart attack about this and as sincere and honest as possible, it’s going to be in their best interests for y’all to get together to, ah, gain some very biblical knowledge of each other.
In the first month of being officially open, I failed more than I succeeded and most of that was because I’m a guy – and everyone knows that men will say and do anything to get into a woman’s panties. Good lord… I don’t know how many times I said to someone, “I don’t know what I can do or say to convince you that I’m not lying and this is very much a real-deal kind of thing!” Sometimes you just gotta dust off those skills you put on the shelf, you know, the ones you used to convince people to have sex with you… when you were single.
It can take time… lots of time… or, yeah, sometimes, you hit gold right out of the gate. I can tell you what it takes to be able to be open; I can tell you – and in no uncertain terms – how not to do this… but I can’t tell you how to get other people into your beds – that’s something you’re gonna have to figure out for yourself. Do women have an “easier” time with this?
Not as much as you might think. Sure… they have the potential to get any dick they want… still gotta convince the guy that it’ll be in everyone’s best interest. Getting pussy? Might seem like a no-brainer… and it often isn’t and even if your female partner happens to knows women who are – or might be – kinda/sorta into women because there are a lot of such women who have been plied with the fear of the dreaded “L” word – lesbian. Or, if they are down with it, chances are they’re on the DL and doing everything they know how to do to keep their male partner – or even female partner if it’s like that – from finding out that they’ve been getting some on the side.
Does this give you any idea of why a lot of couples who try this wind up giving up on it? In the swinging pool, it’s often the woman who decides who gets to have sex with them… and even they are – and can be – funny about who gets to have sex with them, not to mention the guy who thinks he’s the one in control and calling the shots – and the guy who’s usually making a ton of rules about what his lady can’t do and what others aren’t allowed to do.
To that end, I stand by what I say about going out of your way to protect your relationship because you can invoke rules in a way that might protect your relationship… and it’s not going to get you what you want in this. It’s fine and dandy to have rules – to not have them, well, that makes no sense. However, when it comes to rules, the thing to remember is they do not have to be locked in lead or deemed to be unchangeable or non-negotiable. You still have to protect yourself at all times but when it comes to being open, y’all should talk about making it easier to do this more than talking about making it harder.
And throughout it all, you talk to each other… and keep talking because it’s the only way you’re gonna stay on the same page; it’s the only way you’re gonna be able to make adjustments and to be able to compare notes about those you are interested in can be very damned valuable.
If the fits, starts, and hiccups show up to toss huge monkey wrenches into the works, just do your best to remove them and keep moving forward. Being rejected or otherwise not believed that what you’re saying and proposing isn’t true? It’s gonna happen and you can’t – you shouldn’t – let these things dismay you whether y’all are going at this solo or going about it as a team.
Make a plan. Stick to it but be ready to revise it as necessary. Just don’t give up on it… and don’t just sit back on your cute asses and think that now that you’re open, suitable people are just gonna start flocking to you and lining up for their chance to experience sex with you.
Because one of the hardest things about being open is, in fact, the work you have to put in to be successful and that level of work can make remaining monogamous look like the easiest thing in the world to do. I can think of only one thing that’s even harder:
Starting a polyamorous family which has a lot of same “failure rates” as merely being open… and many more complications.
Did I mention how seriously deep this particular rabbit hole can be?