Holy shit… I can’t think of a more complicated and harrowing thing to have on your mind. One of the plights bisexuals face, other than accepting their bisexuality, is finding someone they can be bisexual with and while there are websites and apps that host like-minded people in these things, trying to find someone without using those tools – and because they can be more of a pain in the ass than anything else – is about as scary as anything I can think of.
It’s not that one doesn’t know why they’re interested in someone; that much is pretty clear but what isn’t so clear is not knowing how the object of your interest is going to react to finding out that your interest in them goes way beyond just being friends or even good friends. There is no tried and true way to go about letting someone know this and, again, there is no way for you to know how they’re gonna react to find this out.
You have a limited amount of information to work from and no matter how well you think you know them or how long you’ve known them because people are, sometimes, really of two minds about things: There’s their public opinion on matters… then there’s their private thoughts about it and they could be one and the same… or not. Like all the times I’ve heard guys being all rabidly homophobic in public but privately? Not so homophobic as they appear to be! Or some guys would have a more positive attitude about guys getting with guys but privately? It’s all good… unless some guy is hitting on them and now it’s not all that good.
The risk of trashing a friendship, budding or otherwise, is very damned real and if I were to advise anything, it would be being very damned sure that the person you’re trying to talk to about this is worth the risks. But if you determine that they are worth it, how do you let them know?
It’s a non-answer and probably not very helpful but you let them know in the best way you can. Some folks use subtlety and even misdirection along with discretion to feel them out as much as possible before “dropping a bomb” on them while others are of a mind that a more direct approach is warranted. Either way kinda keeps you in unknown territory because, again, you have no real idea how they’re gonna react.
The guy I fell in love with? He used misdirection on me and, damn it, it worked like a charm; he even went as far as to ask me how he should go about letting this guy he was very interested in know that his interests went beyond friendship… and clueless me told him how to do it… and now imagine my surprise and shock when, at the point of our conversation I told him, “Sometimes, you just gotta come right out and say it…” and he said, “I’m in love with you and I want you so bad it hurts!”
Well, damn! It had gone way over my head and I’m still kicking my own ass over the fact that I missed all of the clues and hints he had been throwing at me. This approach worked for him… but it’s not guaranteed to work. I was asked if I had any advice about how to let someone know that you wanna be more than friends with them and, honestly? I got nothing except to do a lot of due diligence and dig into the other person as much as you can to find out if they’d even want to talk about this and whether or not using the subtle approach or the direct one would be the right way to go.
Then be open and honest about your thoughts and feelings about them… but you gotta be able to pick the right place and time and moment… and then hope all your guesses are right… and don’t be bummed out if you got it wrong. There’s a perception about bi guys (in particular) in that we’re just gonna leap at any chance to play with a dick and without giving it any thought or consideration… and that ain’t the truth, just like it ain’t true that all women would be open to and interested in girl/girl stuff… and even if everything you might “see” with them suggests that they would be.
It’s funny that even non-bisexuals do, in fact, tend to be “bisexual” in their thoughts or, again, they’re of two minds about this and what you don’t know – what you won’t know unless you ask – is where there mind is about this and it’s quite possible that the person you’re interested in could be as bisexual as you are… and they’re not of a mind to let you know that… or anyone else for that matter.
You wanna talk about tip-toeing through a minefield, in the dark and blindfolded? You wanna make this situation even worse? Okay – let’s make it so! Some people are very intuitive and one of the things – one of those life lessons we all learn – is that just because someone doesn’t say something doesn’t mean they don’t know something or, as my mom used to say, “Every closed eye ain’t asleep!” What you don’t know is that they know or suspect that not only are you not as straight as you look, but you’re interested in being more than friends with them… and they’re content to not only not let you know that they know, some are even more content to sit back and wait for you to tell them something that “they already know.”
Or they can be totally oblivious to your vibe and, as such, letting them know is either going to be a pleasant surprise… or an unpleasant one… and you still don’t know which thing is going to present itself. Or they know and hoping that they aren’t the droid you’re looking for. I mean, how in the hell do you even try to talk to someone about this?
The best way you can. The best way you can think of. How would I go about it? What the hell are you asking me for? Should I be direct or subtle? Do that silly, “I’m asking for a friend” thing that, more often than not, doesn’t work and sometimes if you use this, you get kicked to the curb for using this ploy instead of coming out and speaking your mind about it. A friend… right, sure it’s a friend, uh-huh. Because some folks are of a mind that if you’re going to be deceptive about this, what other deceptions could you be capable of?
Think again about being in that minefield, dark and blindfolded – and being told that some of those mines have hair triggers or even high tech motion sensors… and the person telling you this is also telling you they don’t know which mines have the hair trigger/sensors… or where they are.
Still, it can come down to the very thing I said to the guy who dropped that huge bomb on me: Things can get to the point where being subtle ain’t working and it’s decision time: Do you just come right out and speak to your intentions or do you keep your mouth shut and give up all hope? And to make shit worse – and because it can be – you have no friggin’ idea which thing is the right thing to do because, on top of all of this, there’s nothing worse than finding out that you could have asked and your proposition would have been accepted… and you didn’t ask or even try to.
In this, you’d think that once the cat is out of the bag, things can now proceed… and you might be wrong about that because, sometimes, you only get one shot at this and if you let it slip away, there’s no coming back from that. You are, truly and surely, damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
You might be wondering how you’d know if you were the object of someone else’s desire to be more than friends… and you might even be thinking, “Nah, that wouldn’t be me!” and if so, you’d be wrong about that. Chances are you have been; maybe you knew it and ignored it and maybe, just maybe, you had no idea. See, a lot of people are of a mind that such a thing couldn’t happen to them and that it wouldn’t and, as such, all of the signs could be right there and so much that, as the joke goes, Stevie Wonder could see them… but you don’t see a thing.
And, as such, people who think like this often get blindsided and, well, people don’t usually react well to being blindsided and some folks react even badly to find out that this was being waved all up in their face… and they just flat out missed it. Went so far over their head that saying it ain’t funny doesn’t come close to describing things.
It is true, to a great extent, that to a bisexual? Everyone is fair game and I do mean everyone – married, single, legal-age young, as old as I am, the list goes on and on. You think you understand attraction? You really don’t if you’ve never entertained the thought that the guy or gal you know and are friends with wants to be more than friends with you and – get this – because they see something in you that you don’t see in yourself. What? Some other dude/babe being that attracted to me? No fucking way! Can’t happen; ain’t ever gonna happen!
And some people are like this even when they do, in fact, see all of the signs and, oh, hell, no – they’re not gonna tell you that they see them because, again, some people just really don’t give a fuck if others are bisexual… as long as they’re not making them their “love interest.” And you might even know that the person you’re trying to let know of your interests does, in fact, think like this… and how in the hell do you make your interest and intentions known to such a person?
Most people won’t say a damned thing in this situation. They “know for a fact” that having their proposal accepted is an impossibility… and I’m the one who will tell you that, no – you really don’t know this and you won’t until – or unless – you confirm it. And then there’s this – and as if this whole thing isn’t messy enough already:
You could put it out there and get rejected… at that moment. But people do change their minds, don’t they, and more so when they’ve had a chance to think about it after either getting hit with this or, yeah, blindsided by it. It’s not to say that they’re gonna come back and accept the proposition to be more than friends but it’s possible and, yes, I’ve had it happen. I’ve had men and women come back at a later date and say something like, “I was thinking about that thing we were talking about and I’m willing to give it a try…”
Or they could say they thought about it and the answer is still no. No one likes being rejected… but it’s the risk you take when you want to let someone know that you’re interested in being more than friends with them and the risk of the whole thing blowing up in your face is very damned real… which brings me back to the point of being more than 100% sure that the person you may be interested in is, indeed, worth the risks involved.
Sadly, most people in this situation find it easy to say that the person they’re interest in isn’t worth that level of risk; there’s too much to lose and more so when you’ve pretty much let the other person know that you’re not as straight as you appear to be and a lot of people have the fear that once this gets out – and has been rejected – now everyone is gonna find out that you’re bisexual and that you hit on someone and failed.
If that doesn’t make you want to shit your pants or otherwise soil yourself, I don’t know what will. It’s not what you do know – it’s what you don’t know and, really, if you don’t ask, you will never know one way or the other. It takes courage, commitment, and a lot of patience. Know that you could be kicked to the curb and even vilified for this… but you may not be – you just do not know what the other person is thinking.
A lot of people have this… deeper interest in someone who is already a friend, a very good one, and a long-time one at that. Sometimes, it is better the devil you know than the one you don’t… the thing here is, again and again, is that one usually finds out that they don’t know their very best friend as well as they think they do. You’re not gonna “propose” to them because you know, for a fact, they aren’t gonna go for it… and what you don’t know is that they could be feeling the same way but, like you, they’re hesitant to say something about it. Stalemate, at best.
I will say that in my experiences and observations, this has come out once, um, some hair of the dog has been partaken of. It makes a weird kind of sense that it happens like this given that alcohol, in particular, can lower and/or remove inhibitions. giving credence to the saying that “a drunk person can’t lie” or, really, if they’re buzzed, you’re looking at the real person. I ain’t saying to go get someone you’re interested in drunk or anything like that – and maybe they don’t drink or otherwise get high. I’m just telling you that I’ve heard this proposal and have put it out there myself after some hair of the dog has been involved. And it either works… or it doesn’t and the same risks are involved… but so are the rewards.
You just gotta decide whether it’s worth it to you to let them know that you’d be happy if y’all can be much more than friends. In these things, there’s a mixed message and beginning with “discretion is the better part of valor…” but also nothing ventured, nothing gained. And the fucked up part is both things are true. Silence in this is often quite golden… but if you risk nothing, you gain nothing.
The only thing worse than this situation is being bisexual and in a relationship… and that should tell you something. It’s a subject that I hesitate to give “advice” on because there’s no good advice to be given. This is the judgement call to end all judgement calls and, as you can tell by all of this I’ve written, making the call ain’t easy and you could be screwed in a not so good way if you do make the call… and just as screwed if you don’t.
Not because of what you know: Because of what you don’t know. Now… how “badly” do you wanna know? It’s the only question that needs to be answered and the one that really matters. How you go about answering it is up to you and, yes, I know this aint helping a damned thing… but it’s the best I can do. I like it when people ask me about this… and not so much because I really don’t know the best way to go about letting someone know you wanna be more than friends with them. What would I do? Don’t ask… because I don’t know that, either and you’d think that I would and should.
I don’t. But I know something about people and they’re either gonna go for it… or they won’t. They’re gonna “hate” you or they won’t. Being all Captain Obvious here but that’s just the way it is. You still have to be the one to decide whether the risk of failure is worth it.