Gosh… I don’t quite remember when the first time I gave someone head – or whether it was a guy or a gal – and they asked me, “What are you thinking about when you do that?”
I’m pretty sure I looked at them with an odd look and said, “I’m not thinking about anything…” but the question had to have stuck in my head somewhere because I just seemed to start paying attention to what, if anything, I might be thinking about…
And, oh, my goodness! First, um, it’s not easy to learn how to… divide your attention like this; there’s the sensations and all that when giving head but with the added piece of devoting a part of my mind to look at what I might be thinking about. Yeah, yeah, I know – I shouldn’t have been thinking about anything other than what I was doing but I came to realize that I was, in fact, thinking… about a whole lot of stuff and some of it having nothing to do with what I was doing.
The problem is one of making sense of whatever I’m thinking about and that includes being focused on the giving head experience, from taste, smell, and sound as well as how it’s making me feel; listening to that inner voice – or one of them – yelling and screaming about how good it is to give someone head or, um, sometimes, asking me, “Why did you think this was a good idea?” That same voice – or maybe another one – is urging me to make them cum and no matter how long it takes.
Technique races like a blur through my mind and changes faster than a lightning strike; it’s analyzing cause and effect – if I do this, and they react like that, then more of the same, less of the same, let’s try something else. It’s thinking about the other person, listening to them and their body; past experiences are flying by at warp speed and whether they were most excellent or not so much by my standards or theirs.
Once I realized that when I’m giving head, I’m not as… mindless as I felt, I had to go back in time to see if I had been doing this all along… and just wasn’t paying any attention to it… and I realized that I had been and mostly along the lines of situational awareness and, sometimes, on top of the concern of getting caught having sex, being aware of any time factors that could be involved; there’s time to give head but not a whole lot of it – the clock is running so focus and give it your all before time runs out. Just being aware of what’s going on around me was, all along, occupying some parts of my mind as I sucked dick or ate pussy.
Well, shit. I even tried to quiet the thoughts in my head even though they didn’t really distract me and I found out that it was “impossible” to just shut my mind off so the trick was to beware of this, don’t pay a lot of attention to it, but pay attention to it… all while maintaining an intense focus on what I was doing and enjoying being in the moment.
“Do you think about what you’re gonna do before you do it?” was a question I got asked once and the answer was, “No, not really…” but it was a little white lie of sorts because I found my mind would automatically assess the, ah, logistics of giving head from the person and their body type and equipment, to a lot of other things that I couldn’t begin to put into words. I remember telling someone this more complete answer and she said, “You’re overthinking it!”
Maybe. See, I grew up in a time where – and especially with the ladies – if you didn’t eat pussy and couldn’t – or wouldn’t – eat it for a long time and with a purpose, the word that you wasn’t good at it would spread like wildfire and no self-respecting giver of head ever wanted to be tagged at being horrible at giving head. So being focused and with “evil intent” was a must and more so when you knew that if you didn’t do it right for them, you’d never get another chance to do it or anything else… and that included guys as well.
All of the thoughts are like background noise to me; I hear it, sometimes pick out the important stuff, and file the rest of it away for examination later… all while being in the zone and focused and I got to the point where I don’t think about the fact that my mind is still very active and doing its thing and, again, not always about what I’m doing.
Even when I’m in the zone and lost in the moment, I’m aware that my mind is still doing… stuff. I can get so deep into the zone that I actually lose awareness of what’s going on around me, like the many times I just missed the object of my oral lust saying, “Stop! Stop! No more!” or if/when they suddenly jump up or otherwise escape me, I’m temporarily baffled at why they did.
One woman was looking at me like I tried to kill her and said, “You’re dangerous…” and I felt… bad… but realized that being dangerous was a good thing, too. Oh… you like having your pussy eaten? Wait until you get a load of me! If you let me do it, know that I’m packing a lunch and dinner because if I have anything to do with it, I’m gonna be down there for a while. Another woman said, “You’re too intense for me!” and, again, I felt… bad – was there really such a thing as eating a pussy too much? Apparently there was but being intense also meant that she wasn’t gonna go back and tell anyone that I didn’t eat the living daylight out of them or didn’t try every dirty trick I’ve ever learned in order to get them to orgasm and one wasn’t gonna cut it… well, not for me.
The older woman who I credit with really honing my pussy eating skills told me, “If she’s not looking at you like you’re some kind of crazy person, you didn’t do it right. Now, do it again and make me love it and regret letting you do it!”
With guys, well, it’s different but the focus – the intent – is the same because, as I learned, there’s no really huge difference between sucking dick and eating pussy other than the obvious ones. It’s understanding the male anatomy and knowing that if/when he cums, it’s gonna be game over for him. Guys are… funny in that they want you to suck their dick so they can cum in your mouth… while trying not to do it… and now its a battle of wills because he’s trying to hold it back… and I’m thinking about defeating his purpose in this… or I’m thinking that he’d love to cum “soon…” and I’m having so much fun with his dick in my mouth that, sorry dude – I got other plans.
My mind is still paying attention and pointing stuff out to me; I hear him, I feel what his body is telling me and my mind is analyzing it… and I know I can’t stop it… so I don’t try to. One guy said, “Damn, man – you really get after it, don’t you?”
Yeah… I do… because giving head is such a thrill for me even though it’s also a lot of hard work. My mind is flailing away and thinking shit like am I doing it right for them? Doing enough? Too much? Are they gonna like it? Hate it? And, again, it’s impossible for me to stop such thoughts from showing up and it’s like I tell myself, “Shut the fuck up – I’m doing the best I can and we’ll worry about shit later!”
Sometimes, I’m even thinking, “You know you shouldn’t be doing this…” – that’s my moral compass getting a few words in and words that I learned to ignore by saying to myself – and with a mouthful of pussy or dick – “Yeah, I know… but I’m doing it anyway so shut the fuck up already! Damned party-pooper!”
Do I worry about the end results? Yes… and no. I figured out something about giving head and that was if I’m doing it solely to please them, chances are the results aren’t going to be good ones… but if I’m doing it to please myself, well, now, my pleasure can become their pleasure because I’m conditioned to give it my all and to have fun doing it… even when, uh, it’s not all that fun and it isn’t fun because some people just don’t know how to get head… but that’s okay since everyone has their own being in the moment moment and their lust and passion is going to make them do whatever in order to enjoy it and, euphemistically, bust that nut.
Someone told me, “You’re selfish when you give head! You shouldn’t be doing it for yourself – you should always do it for them!”
Yeah… fuck that. I learned early on – and thanks to the thoughts running around in my head – that if I’m not going to have fun doing it, what’s the point in me doing it? Sometimes, while giving head, my mind is evilly laughing and thinking, “They think you’re doing all of this just for them!”
And I’m not. Well, I am. No, not really. Give them head the way they want it? I can do that… most of the time but the thoughts that have been barnstorming in my mind and from the first time I ever gave head has always been, “This is so damned good! I want more! Gotta have more!”
This… prevailing thought just never goes away and whatever else I’m thinking about is, again, background noise. I figured that the only way I won’t be thinking of anything while giving head is if, God forbid, I happen to die while doing it. Otherwise, I’m always thinking about how much I love giving head and even if, shit, I didn’t start out wanting to do it. Some people have to be in a mood to give head and I’m no different… except, thanks to my mind always thinking about it, I can go from, “I don’t feel like it…” to being all into it in a matter of seconds and sometimes as “late” as getting that first lick in. Then it’s on… and my mind is off and running doing whatever the fuck its doing… while I’m having fun doing what I came here to do.
Go down on you. Suck your dick. Eat your pussy right off your body. Give you the impression that I’m an oral sex maniac… because I am one. Sure, I think about making it good for my, um, victim… and I know that I can’t make it good for everyone every time… but I can sure as hell try and listening to that voice in my head saying over and over, “Do it, keep doing it, don’t stop doing it until they tell you to stop or make you stop.”
And the funny part? I do it without thinking about it. Ya tell me you can’t cum like this? I’m thinking about all the ways I might be able to do that… while I’m trying to make you do it. Sometimes I fail… but I think I’ve succeeded more than I’ve failed and part of the reason for this is that I really don’t ever stop thinking. Make it good for them and so they don’t regret letting you be so… intimate with them… and have fun doing it. Revel in it. Feed the ravening beast that lives inside you – and you do not want to know what that critter is saying to me other than, “Feed me… give me more… I’m so hungry…”
What’s the one thing I tend to think about more than anything else? Whether or not I’m really doing it good enough for the other person and, yeah, sometimes, I think I haven’t. Sometimes – and for various reasons – I think that I haven’t been at my very best and now whomever I was going down on is going to think badly about me… and sometimes, they do… but I have no control over what they’re thinking. Shit… I can’t even control whatever I’m thinking about but I’m always thinking about making it good for them, giving them my very best effort and losing myself in the doing because giving head is such a joy for me… and, yeah, it kinda embarrasses me to think that I am a selfish giver of head but my pleasure is your pleasure… and I get a great deal of pleasure giving head.
I think it’s a… gift? to keep going despite any discomfort, oh, like having a woman slam her pubic bone into my mouth so hard I’ve had teeth loosened, gotten a bloody lip and sometimes being smothered and unable to breathe. Or having a guy with a really long dick driving it all the way in as far as he can get it and thinking about how much it might be bothering me or, sometimes, I’m not feeling the deep-throat thing all that much…
But still remaining focus and determine to finish them. Either they’re gonna stop or they’re gonna make me stop… and I’m thinking that I’m not gonna stop. Tired; body aches; nose being all stopped up; getting rug burn from pubic hair, getting it in my teeth or somewhere else I’d rather not have it. All the thoughts about this stuff and a lot more… but way below that prevailing thought:
I love giving head. Pussy, dick, doesn’t matter. The thrill of it; the nastiness of it. Success or failure not really an issue so much. Being grateful because the other person didn’t have to let me go down on them and since they did, it’s on me to give them my very best every time and even if I’m not really at my best. Scattered thoughts about the intimacy of what I call the ultimate kiss; thinking about the science of oral fixation and how orally fixated I am. And thinking about being selfish in that even if the other person somehow isn’t enjoying it, I’m damned well gonna enjoy doing it.
The thoughts never stop. A lot of people will say, if you ask them what they’re thinking about when giving head, “Nothing!” For me to say that? I’d be lying because I am always thinking so when I’ve been asked I just say, “I’m thinking about a whole lot of shit…” and leave it at that. See, some folks are of a mind that if you’re thinking, you’re not really paying attention to what you’re doing and I think I’m living proof that that’s not true and I do think about making it an untruth.
Do it. Suck it. Lick it. Do what you gotta do to make it feel good. Make it last… or not. Feed the beast. When you think you can’t do anymore, do more. Keep at it. What’s for dinner? Did I remember to do that thing I was supposed to do? Hey, remember to write down this song you just thought of while giving them head, okay?
You’d be surprised at what goes on inside my head when there’s supposed to be nothing going on… and sometimes I’m surprised as well, like the one time I was going down on a woman and something my (now late) uncle said about some dude’s breath smelling like wolf pussy… and it was everything I could do not to start laughing hysterically and more so when I was eating pussy.
Yeah… it’s like that inside my head at times. I just let my mind do its thing… so I can focus on doing my thing. Thinking about the irrational fear of being deemed not good enough; the fear of failing to please. I don’t like having those thoughts… but I can’t stop them… but I can use them to fuel my passion and desire for giving head and if they didn’t like it, there’s really nothing I can do about that. Give me another chance to get it right for you… and if you don’t, I understand and I’m not gonna be upset because even when I fail, I have fun… failing.
And if you’re not gonna have fun doing it, why bother? If you’re not going to take away any pleasure from doing it, again – why bother to do it? Can it be a chore? Yes… but I think it doesn’t really matter if it seems to be because it’s a privilege to be able to give someone head… because they could have said no and I’m thinking – even when I’m doing it – about how fortunate I am to be able to expose someone to my love and passion for giving head. Even when I’m not doing it, I’m thinking about doing it.
I’m thinking about doing it right now. The thrill of it. The sheer intimacy of it. The unmitigated joy in doing it. Thinking I might not be good enough… and thinking about doing everything I can to be seen as being good enough. Not so much thinking about being the best at it… but thinking about being good enough and good enough to be able to do it again. And again. And again.
Might need a cold shower…