10 Sep

We laid my mom to rest yesterday; seeing her body lying there in the casket was more surreal than any other funeral I’ve attended. The songs, prayers, and “preaching,” while well-meant and part of things, didn’t lend themselves to any kind of comfort except knowing that my mom faced her death with a strength and courage I’ve never seen before.

I never liked funerals; don’t like being reminded of my own mortality and, not trying to be an asshole about it, never liked the services and how long they tend to take. They say it’s a celebration of life, that funerals aren’t really for the dead but for the living and, supposedly, to give comfort as well as a moment to grieve… and for some, a reminder that if you’ve got some stuff you haven’t gotten to yet, ya might might want to get right on that.

Even thinking back to yesterday, I don’t know how I felt. I’m still numb but aware of the reality of it all. It sucks like nothing else can to know that a very important person in my life is gone but, at the same time, it’s okay, that she’s no longer suffering from the illness that took her away and it still feels sucky knowing that there was nothing anyone could do and that all that could be done was done.

Seeing family that I haven’t seen since my sister died; seeing and meeting people who knew my mom and knew of me… and I have no idea who they are. That weird thing where I’m not feeling all that well but I can laugh and smile with others as we remember the person my mother was.

She wanted two things: To be placed in a white casket and to be buried with her daughter, my sister, who was taken away by an incurable cancer, too. And we made sure her wishes were taken care of.

It still sucks. Still doesn’t seem real while being undeniably real.


Posted by on 10 September 2020 in Uncategorized


13 responses to “Coping…

  1. LarryArcher

    10 September 2020 at 16:58

    Sorry for your loss and remember the light is always darkest before the dawn.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. theacquiescentsoul

    10 September 2020 at 17:10

    I have no words other than I am so sorry for your loss.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Mrs Fever

    10 September 2020 at 18:17

    I, too, have always disliked funerals. They’re supposed to be for the living, as you say, to buoy us, but I’ve never felt any of the rituals involved to be helpful in my grieving process. You’re not alone in that.

    It’s natural to be numb, I think. Going through the motions is part of how we push on. Acting ‘normal’ is a comfort, of sorts. Laughing together with others who loved the same person but knew them in a different light, remembering snippets of time gone by… It may open doors, it may bring closure, but for me, it seems to always be grounding. I hope you find it so as well.

    Sending warm thoughts your way.


    Liked by 1 person

  4. ddjennifer

    10 September 2020 at 18:28

    Sorry for you loss. I hope you are able to take comfort in your memories as you grieve.


  5. NaughtyNora

    11 September 2020 at 00:30

    Sending you hugs, kdaddy….these are dark times. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • kdaddy23

      11 September 2020 at 00:44

      Yes, indeed they are. I understand it but I don’t have to like it – and I don’t.

      Liked by 2 people

  6. collaredmichael

    18 September 2020 at 10:17

    The loss of a parent is always tough to deal with. In the case of my mother, it was a mercy on the end. She was unable to take pain medication because of severe allergies so her pain was awful to witness. But I know what you mean about funerals. What particularly irked me were the few people who had treated her badly when she was alive and yet who processed to be her best friends at the funeral.
    Still there were so many others who shared nice memories with me which sparked memories in me too. I hope you had that experience. I hope you feel relief and peace soon. My deepest condolences. And my hugs!!


    • kdaddy23

      18 September 2020 at 11:41

      Thanks! It’s been over a week ago now and I’ll be coping for some time to come.

      Liked by 1 person

      • collaredmichael

        18 September 2020 at 13:10

        I’m sorry. I’m behind in my reading. Just remember all the good times. She will be with you forever then.



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