Life, Living and Loving: Sixty-five Years and One Day

24 Sep

Not only was yesterday Bisexuality Visibility Day, it was also my 65th birthday! In past years, I’ve written, nostalgically and reflectively, about my birthday – where I’ve been, where I am, and where I’m going but this year? I got nothing and very likely because of the death of my mother 21 days ago and yesterday was a pretty somber day because it’s the first time in my life that I didn’t get to talk to her about me being a year older.

Other than that, well, it was just another day despite reaching a landmark moment in life. I’ve been kinda laughing my ass off over all the mail and emails I’ve been getting about turning 65, retiring, getting onboard with Medicare and supplemental insurance plans… except, um, I retired a long time ago now and due to the stroke that disabled me, I’ve been getting all of those Social Security disability things including Medicare so for me, turning 65 changes nothing in this regard and more so when they’re not going to let me have both disability benefits and retirement benefits… but it would be nice.

So… I’m 65 now. My age has changed and all that but I really and truly don’t feel any different and my mind, such as it is, is just going right along with no new hiccups. 23,726 days have passed since I was born (not counting the nine months spent in the womb) and when you look at this number, well, that’s a lot of days and, of course, I’d be more than happy to add thousands of more days to this number. I look in the mirror every day and I see… me. Older. Grayer. Hair missing from where I’d like it to be and, yup, hair trying to grow in places where it wasn’t growing before. Got some health issues but they’re being managed and the lab work I had done the other day says that, okay, old dude – you’re not doing bad for an old dude.

Yesterday, Twitter, in particular, was blowing up about Bisexuality Visibility Day and with many folks celebrating it and in whatever form that took. I laughed to myself to remember when I found out that BVD – and there’s joke in thee – was being celebrated on my birthday – what a coincidence, huh? I not only get to celebrate my birthday but also my bisexuality! Except, um, there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t celebrate it since I’ve been bisexual for 20,440 of my 23,726 days. As far as visibility goes, well, hmm – if you can see me, I’m not sure how you could miss me to be kinda literal about that but it remains true for me – and many other bisexuals – that my bisexuality is none of your business unless I choose to make it your business or, um, you have an offer that I might be interested in. Otherwise, visible evidence of my sexuality continues to be on a need to know basis… and there will always be those who doesn’t need to know. Not to mention that, um, er, there’s really only one real way you can actually see it – just saying.

It’s not so much about being proud in that sense: I just am. I very much like being bisexual not just for the sex but it’s what’s comfortable for me. I sit and observe so many people fussing about bisexuality being real, the lack of visibility and I take that to mean that you can’t look at someone and tell if they’re bi or not, and all the stuff people do to keep themselves from being the bisexual they want and need to be… and I’ve spent a lot of time either shaking my head while doing whatever I can to “educate” folks about bisexuality and as I’ve come to understand and learn about it and it all being driven by a question I asked myself way back on day one of those 20,440 days: How can something that’s supposed to be so bad feel so good?

It didn’t take a long time to find the answer; in fact and as I recall, it took me less than two weeks to figure it out: It feels good because it’s supposed to… and it’s bad because everyone says it is. Even in that moment, hmm, one of these things can’t be true and it was pretty easy to see which one wasn’t true… and it wasn’t the “it feels good” part. In those 20,440 days, I’ve learned some shit about bisexuality because, admittedly, I was obsessed with finding out everything I could about it and my curiosity has spent those 20,440 days having a fun good time being able to keep learning about this. I’m no card-carrying expert… but I know a lot of shit about this just the same because, um, those 20,440 days weren’t spent just thinking about it, if ya know what I mean; it’s just not an intellectual exercise because, yeah – it does feel good.

While so many see being bisexual as two very different thing, for 20,440 days (and still counting) of my life, it’s just one thing; just one part of the whole of who I am and have been for quite a bit of time. While I recognize the need to make bisexuality something that people should recognize – and whether they agree with it or not – every day is a celebratory day for me in this.

In my 23,726 days, I’ve accomplished a lot and like everyone tends to do, eh, some things I’ve just straight up fucked up – c’est la vie. Water under the bridge. Congratulations on being human and, importantly, surviving it. My beloved mother lived for exactly 31,236 days and I can only hope to live that long. One of the things we always talked about on my birthday – other than I was getting really old – was how proud she was of me (and my siblings) and that God has been so good to me and given some of the things that happened that could have stopped the days from continuing. I miss her busting my butt about losing my hair and my beard being greyer or seeing that look on her face as I as did when we were on FaceTime and she said, “You have a birthday coming up! How old are you gonna be again?”

And seeing that… smirk on her face when I said, “I’ll be 65, Mom; um, you should remember that since you were there, weren’t you?” This year, it’s not so much about celebrating my life but hers, too, and living with the reality of things. It still makes me sad that she’s gone… but I understand it. I accept it; given what was wrong with her, it was even more inevitable but she left me with a purpose and a goal to live as many more days as humanly possible. She did it and in grand fashion and that’s a pretty good example if I may say so myself.

Being 65? Eh, it’s not so bad. Not really all that different from when I was 64 but, yeah, different from when I was 4, 14, 24, 34, 44, 54, and, yep, 64. It is another “coming of age” moments and while I’ve been a “senior citizen” since I turned 55 (in most definitions) well, shit: I’m officially a senior citizen now, ain’t I? And I’m damned happy to be one. I find myself laughing at myself when I’m getting up from where I’m sitting and I’m grunting and making “old people” noises; I roll my eyes when I take a step and a knee or ankle pops and cracks or I stretch and my body sounds like a bunch of fire crackers going off. It’s just a part of getting older and, as I told my oldest son yesterday, I don’t feel a day over 36.

Well, my mind doesn’t… but my body begs to differ. I’m just tickled to be able to celebrate my birthday and being bisexual all on the same day. Those of you who have reached this… venerable age and have passed it, you’re probably laughing your ass off because you already know what I’m finding out… and for those of you who haven’t gotten here yet, well, wait for it.

23,726 days. 20,440 being unashamedly bisexual. And more days to come…


Posted by on 24 September 2020 in Life, Living and Loving



6 responses to “Life, Living and Loving: Sixty-five Years and One Day

  1. theacquiescentsoul

    24 September 2020 at 16:58

    Happy belated birthday!


  2. Mrs Fever

    24 September 2020 at 19:49

    Happy 🎂 Birthday !!!


  3. collaredmichael

    4 October 2020 at 10:27

    Today is Sunday Oct 4 and yesterday I had an orgasm for the first time in a long time. But as I’m just reading this now, I wish you a belated happy birthday! I’ll go so far as to say that if my Queen allowed it I’d give you the first blow job of my life (as a birthday gift)!

    Liked by 1 person


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