For damned near all of my life, I sit… and think… and observe. Bisexuality has fascinated me from the moment it came into my life – and, this time, I’ll go with the pun! – and the what of it was easy and obvious but the why of it was unknown and it plagued me greatly because, in those very early days of discovery, I just didn’t know why something that was said to be so bad felt so good.
I’ve learned a lot, both via experience as well as reading all there was to be read about sex and sexuality and, of course, interacting with others sexually and intellectually. At any given time, there’s a part of my mind that no matter what I’m doing keeps asking why things are the way they are in this. Why are a lot of people so afraid of this aspect of sex and sexuality and if I were to be able to narrow all the information I’ve gathered down to a few bullet points, what’s the biggest problem bisexuals face?
It’s not social acceptance; it’s not really that “mortal fear” of catching something nasty. The fear of being discovered and/or outed is a big one – but not, I think, the biggest one – in my mind, this one is #3 on the list. Number two on the list is not having someone to talk to about this which ties right into the number one and biggest problem:
Finding someone to be bisexual with or, more to the point, someone to have sex with and on the other side of the fence. Ever since there were forums for discussing sex and sexuality, the one persistent question being asked has always been, “Why can’t I find someone I can do this with?” It put the question into my head of, “Well, why can’t you find someone you can do this with?” because even without the Internet, being able to run into someone who just might be just as eager, agreeable, and horny wasn’t really all that difficult if you, for the moment, exclude the angst over homosexuality; absent this, there were – and still are – a great many people who are sitting around and wanting to take the plunge for the first time or to dive back in for the first time in a long time… but making themselves available?
Yeah… let’s not and say we did.
I pour over the dynamic and compare then and now and as seen from my perspective while tying in everything else I’ve learned about this. I am really and seriously not joking or kidding when I say that, in earlier times, getting into some same-sex action was as easy as one person turning to the other person and asking, “Hey, have you ever done it with a boy/girl before?” and/or “Hey, do you wanna do it with me?” Three potential answers: No – that’s nasty! Then, “Okay, if you want to…” and finally, “Maybe – I don’t know.” Of course, those three possible responses depended on how someone would respond to them but you get the general idea, I hope.
It was just too easy because even if you didn’t know who you could ask, it was a sure bet that someone was gonna ask you and if you really wanted to have sex this way, the only questions remaining were when and where? What was kinda/sorta important but, eh, we can talk about that while we’re trying to figure out where we can go so we can do it and even then, the negotiations were kinda easy and there wasn’t much fuss over someone not doing a thing and even if they had something they didn’t want to do, many were open to giving it a try; the usual “I don’t know about that” thing was fucking (for the guys) because, as everyone knew, it really hurts going in but, then again, almost everyone sucked dick so even if fucking was off the table, well, you know.
And the only real concern was not getting caught in the act or, since this was a secret, there were people that you’d rather not want to find out that you had sex this way. Still, finding someone to have sex with was labor-intensive but not all that difficult… comparatively speaking. It was true that, provided you were old enough, you could walk into a gay bar in your birthday suit and no one would pay you one bit of attention except maybe to ask you what you wanted to drink. Or you could walk into a bar that wasn’t known to be a gay bar and someone would invariably hit on you and even if you weren’t looking for someone to have sex with. You could be almost anywhere and there was a great possibility that someone would get your attention and now you’re thinking about how to approach them to start a conversation or, if you were somewhere and minding your own business, someone would stroll up to you and strike up a conversation and either start dropping hints or, if they were bold enough, pop the question to you.
As time moved on, the question of “who can I find to do this with” remained at the top of the list and I’ll tell you what I found to be funny – in that ironic way – about this: I could be talking to a guy about this and reveal that I’m not against playing with a dick… and the guy I’m talking to would be going on and on about not being able to find another guy to have some kind of sex with…
And I wanted – needed – to find out why. The dynamic was moving away from its more simpler aspects: If you wanted to and I wanted to, well, let’s go do it. Guys, and I’d guess by association if nothing else, gals, were looking for a specific kind of person to be “really freaky” with. It wasn’t that there weren’t plenty of people who would be agreeable to sex in this way – it was now a question of who you could trust not to take you to bed and then go tell everyone who’d listen that they had you like that. Romantic interests weren’t that prevalent unless you ran into a gay person and sometimes not even then; some gay folks aren’t any different from anyone else: Sometimes, all they want to do is get laid and nothing more than that.
I’d hear a lot of both men and women talk about their desire and need to do this and how many times someone hit on them or tried to pick them up and sometimes how they’d learn that this one person they knew had the hots for them and had ever since they first met… but nothing would happen even though most of them were still waiting to be able to throw it down like this.
Why wouldn’t they engage? I was learning much about the other fears and I even understood that those fears, in and of themselves, were normal and to be expected even among the more experienced folks: Yes, they wanted to have sex but, more often than not, were too afraid of someone else finding out about it. Discretion fairly leaped to a higher level: It went from “I won’t tell if you won’t” to someone else finding out – and someone who wasn’t supposed to know – becoming almost a life or death kind of thing. Because I was hearing so much about what made people afraid in this, I was of a mind to downgrade not being able to find someone from it’s #1 position to somewhere further down the list because it wasn’t so much a thing of not being able to find someone but not being able to trust them.
And that trust extended to, even for guys, not wanting to be treated like a mere piece of ass. It was becoming clear to me that the people I heard complaining about not being able to find someone they could have sex with like this were creating long lists of conditions and qualifications and while there were still those who were out there hunting and being hunted, offers of sex were being rejected right and left because the person offering it didn’t meet the required and mandatory criteria, from body type to even more, ah, very detailed specifications. Somewhere around the 1990s, I had asked myself if it was my imagination or are people really doing their level best not to have the sex they want in this… and complaining about not being able to have sex like this?
Of course, by this time, HIV/AIDS was running rampant but, truth be told, it really wasn’t stopping anyone from having sex like this – it did make people a lot more cautious, though. You could still find someone… or they could find you and now it was a question of being “D&D free,” as the term emerged – drug and disease free. But the virus put a lot of fear into people and justifiably so and to the point where trust wasn’t so easily given or gained – and even with those one just might have known would be down like this.
So was not being able to find someone really the #1 and biggest problem? I would sit and peel this whole thing like the biggest onion ever and what I was beginning to see in those many layers was that, yeah – finding someone was still the biggest problem but the other layers were revealing that the person one would want to be able to find had to meet some very exacting criteria and specifications and even if they – and including themselves – could prove that they were D&D free by providing lab results… but that meant going to the doctor or to a clinic and asking to be tested for all known STIs and STDs… which meant that someone else would easily put two and two together and figure out why this specific testing was being created and despite doctor/patient confidentiality, everyone they knew was going to find out that they were getting some dick or getting some pussy in the way we’re not supposed to be getting it… but there came that one moment when HIV had been discovered to be not so much sexually transmitted and as evidenced by that married couple who both tested positive for HIV but neither of them had had sex outside of the marriage and sure as hell didn’t have sex in the same-sex mode.
Anyone could get it and in ways that, until this came along, from sources that were trustworthy and as simple as donating blood or going to the dentist or having some kind of surgical procedure done. It increased the health risk… but that didn’t mean that there still weren’t a slew of people out there looking to have sex in the same-sex way of things… because they’d always been out there and finding one of them became more of a trust issue and discretion, oddly enough, became even more paramount. The health thing was easily mitigated and minimized as condom usage skyrocketed and oral dams appeared on the scene. So it wasn’t like there weren’t preventative measures available because there were – and still are… but people were still going on about not being able to find someone to have the kind of sex they craved.
One of the things I learned along the way had to do with being able to sell something to someone and the trick of it was to be able to take whatever reason why a customer didn’t want to buy something and just get rid of it and my favorite was, “Well, I would but I need to talk to my wife/husband first…” and the keen salesman would say, “You can use my phone over here to call them and I’ll even talk to them for you!”
It is very damned effective; when you can counter someone’s objections in this way, chance are good that you’re gonna make the sale but, yeah – sometimes – not all objections could be made to disappear… and bisexuals looking for someone to have sex with could have all of their objections and resistance whittled away… and still not engage even when, at least on the surface, they no longer had a reason not to get naked and do the nasty in the way they wanted to.
It was very clear to me that “I can’t find anyone to do it with!” was a lot more complicated and, again, it made me wonder if people were deliberately making it damned near impossible for them to do what they wanted to do. There were still those fears and with being outed and catching something often exchanging places as far as priorities went but did that mean that there was really no one out there they could have sex with… or was there something else going on? Come to find out that there really wasn’t anything else going on other than a greatly increased sense of “self-preservation” when it came to not letting anyone else find out that they were having sex against the rules and I’m not even talking about infidelity at this point.
The specter of being fingered – no pun this time – as being gay was still hanging around and, admittedly, while gays were publicly fighting the good fight for their right to their human rights, well, yeah – they weren’t exactly doing bisexuals any favors. We were being driven further underground and while many were not of a mind to stick their heads up and get noticed, it wasn’t as if those who were looking to have sex like this couldn’t figure out how to get it done… as long as they didn’t get caught and/or outed. It still wasn’t a matter of not being able to find someone… it was now becoming a matter of finding the “right” someone. Not only the right someone but under some very specific “qualifications,” conditions, situations, and even scenarios.
I got to thinking, “No wonder so many people are whining about not being able to find someone… because the person they have in mind seems to only exist in their mind or they haven’t been born yet or they’re somewhere else in the world!” Then I was observing a whole lot of people speaking to how badly they needed to be sexually active in this way… and many of them were doing nothing toward making it happen. I learned that one of the favorite groups of preferred same-sex partners were… married people but even I knew that the worst possible situation was being bisexual and married and, yep, who doesn’t know that one of the raps against bisexuals is that they’re serial cheaters? Lots of angst about infidelity but even with this, it did not mean that there wasn’t someone out there who wasn’t interested in doing the deed and even on the DL.
I would be seeing people start to speak more about why they couldn’t – or wouldn’t – do what they also said they very much wanted to do but not be of a mind to talk about how they could make it happen for themselves. I’m not suggesting that those in a relationship just go out there and cheat on their partners but I’m the guy who will tell you that people do it and for this reason alone… and there’s even some funny stuff about this: There are some folks who really believe that if you have sex with someone who’s the same sex as you are and outside of the relationship, it’s not really cheating.
This finding someone thing was now horribly complicated and, again, more of that very odd thing where many folks would speak to their need to be bisexual and even sexually active in this way… but coming up with every reason they could think of – real or imagined – for why they shouldn’t, wouldn’t, and couldn’t. The thought crossed my mind that if it’s really true that bisexuals tend to suffer from depression “more than anyone else,” – and I don’t think it’s the whole truth of things – it’s not because social things were responsible but because of the fear of being outed and seen as being gay and otherwise convincing themselves that it is just too impossible for them to do what every part of their very being has been screaming at them to do. It is very depressing to want to be able to do something and not be able to do it… and even more depressing when you create the environment which adds to the chance of being very depressed.
I’d never say that the people who are going on about not being able to find someone aren’t justified where their reasons for not doing what they want to do is concerned because they are and whatever concerns them is very real to them even if no one else thinks so. Someone can sit down and offer up in exacting detail all of the reasons why they can’t go get the pussy/dick they need in this… but very few of them can tell you what, if anything, they can do toward this goal or to answer a question I often ask them: “Well, what can you do about it… and are you even trying?” If there’s something that I’ve found to be true, it’s something someone once told me: If it’s something you really want and need to do, you’ll find a way to do it.
And what I’m learning these days is that some folks really are making this harder than it has to be; not without reason, mind you, but go back to that thing I mentioned about removing any or all obstacles in order to make the sale and some folks can’t find someone they can do this with, not because there’s no one out there, but because they really do make it damned near impossible for them to do it, that and many are sitting on their asses and doing absolutely nothing – and waiting for that very right person just to show up and give them that thrill of a lifetime and in the exact and precise way they’ve imagined it to be.
So the biggest and #1 problem really isn’t not being able to find someone to do this with: It’s not wanting to do the work that’s required to find that someone or, really, anyone. Again, it’s not that folks in this quandary don’t have legitimate reasons for remaining on the bench… but if you knew about those reason like I know about them – because I see them every day – maybe you’d ask them, “Well, what are you doing about it?” because a lot of their reasons can be resolved and that includes those people already in a relationship; they think it can’t be done (and shouldn’t be done) but I’m here to tell you that it can be done because a whole lot of people are doing it.
I am learning that once someone convinces themselves that it can’t be done, you’re just not going to be able to change their mind about it: This is, once again, the “Yeah, but…” portion of the program. Many of the people who say they can’t find someone have issues with casual sex and they require a setting where there is only relationship-like sex; many have a great fear of “the stranger” and I get that… except the stranger is only a stranger because you don’t know anything about them and, yeah, that’s just too much trouble for many to be bothered with. I mean, shit: Once upon a time, the people you know now were once strangers to you (excluding family members).
The dynamic has made a dramatic shift from being about the sex to being about much more than that… and I’m not really surprised by this turn of events but, yeah, it baffles me at times because while there are a growing number of “relationship-minded” bisexuals out there, there is still a great many people who are not relationship-minded; they, too, want to do the nasty with someone and they are, indeed, safe and discreet enough to do it and there’s no evil intent at all. But many of the “I can’t find anyone” gang has managed to convince themselves that if they have a casual hookup, not only is it fucked up but they’re instantly going to be infected with all manners of diseases and, as such, they’ve convinced themselves that they will be safer doing things in a relationship mode or way… and they’re wrong about that and because, as I point out to some guys, do you really know where your FWB’s dick has been when it’s out of your sight?
There’s a greater push and demand for exclusivity and I don’t think that, at the root of it, the disease card has a whole lot to do with this… but the “one man/one woman” mandate has a lot to do with it although, oddly enough, folks who are in a relationship and looking to take a trip to the other side sees the sense in not looking at things in this way; a guy or a gal can be very married or otherwise hooked up with someone and to have sex with someone else is an exception to the rule if involved with a single person and even more of an exception if they, too, are in a relationship. In actuality, exclusivity is a non-issue but still seen as a requirement; “Joe” can get a pass for having sex with his wife… but he’d better not be having sex with other men.
People are losing their minds about not being able to find someone because they are, in fact, making it almost impossible to do just that. Instead of them looking at why they’ve not had sex this way and then sit down and figure out how to make it happen, they seem to be content to just keep creating reasons for why they can’t and, again, whether they’re real or it’s their imagination going bat-shit crazy over it all. True enough, there are a lot of people who just aren’t looking to get their cookies handed to them in this way; they’re happy and content to know that they’re bisexual and none of the sex is required and just talking about it works for them.
And I’m not talking about them. It’s all those people who aren’t doing what they want to do and because, according to them, there’s no one to do it with. Sure… one might not want to jump all over the first proposition presented to them and it is prudent to, at the least, know something about the person trying to get into your underwear/panties which has the effect of removing spontaneity from the equation. They go on and on about chemistry and attraction and more than I’ve ever heard at any other time and, please, don’t get me wrong but I really do understand how important these aspects are to people but as I’ve been saying to a lot of people who can’t find someone, you don’t have to be “in love” with them or anything like that: You just have to find a way to like them enough to have sex with them and, really, if you’re not going to do anything to help yourself in this very worthy cause, is there a point in complaining about it?
Is it really a thing of not being able to find anyone… or more of a thing of not wanting to find someone? It’s a this point where I feel compelled to explain why I’m even writing about this:
Bisexuality has become such a hot button topic of discussion; lots of people are all caught up in the “drama” of acceptance and, I’d say, “needlessly” trying to define what they think bisexuality “really” is. If people aren’t losing their minds in this way, they’re most certainly losing them over the obvious fact that some of the sex a bisexual can have is, in fact, in deed, and hands down homosexual sex and I don’t care how one cares to spin it – that’s what it is – but, okay, we are still dealing with the specter of the angst toward homosexuality and in any form. But even with all of this going on and being talked about, few people ever talk about why things are the way they are, from why people are turning to bisexuality and what are the problems and issues for why people are turning to bisexuality and, apparently, having such a hard time finding someone to be bisexual with.
Tons of apps and websites for this for both men and women and the biggest complaint here is all the fakes and flakes that pervade these sources and constant gripes about people not being willing to meet or agreeing to meet and then doing a no-show/no-call thing. I really don’t know what they’re thinking about this but if they thought that it was really that easy these days, they are really and truly mistaken than and there has always been this kind of… mindset that if “Joe” is willing to do something, then everyone Joe might contact is also willing to do something and there is absolutely, positively no reason or excuse not to get together and get naked, sweaty, and funky.
The truth is that there are a lot of very willing and decent people… if you’re gonna be of a mind to take the time to sort through what’s available and, yeah, do enough due diligence to weed out the flakes, fakes, and others who might not be your idea of the right person to get your freak on with. Even those who complain about the cluster fuck apps and websites present ask about other ways to find someone and I don’t know about them but there’s only one other way: Get out there and look and, yeah, get out there so you can be seen. I get it – we can be weirded out about someone coming over to us and hitting on us but if you wanted to know how to find someone, well, if someone has hit on you, did you not just find someone and all you had to do was be where they could see you? Hell… even I expect to be eyeballed and maybe even approached every time I leave my home.
You just never know who’s gonna be interested in you or who you might find interesting. Guys – and probably more than the ladies, I guess – always want to know how to, one, tell if a guy might be interested or, two, what kind of signs they should be looking for or giving and I can understand that… except, um, in order to pick up on some signs or be in a position to give them, you gotta be somewhere – damned near anywhere – in order to see what’s going on. The pandemic notwithstanding, if you’re looking for someone to do the deed with and you are not doing anything – and I do mean anything – toward finding someone or someone finding you…
What the hell are you bitching about… and why are you bitching? If you’ve set the bar so high that no one can reach it, guess what’s never going to happen? If you let your fears run the show – and fears that can be dealt with in some way so as not to be so fearful – you aren’t going to find anyone, they aren’t gonna find you, and you’re never going to get the sex you want being bisexual. I have three criteria: Be old enough to legally consent to sex, be clean and healthy, and not be my idea of an asshole. Otherwise, let’s talk and part of my idea of being an asshole includes not wanting to take the time to talk to me; if you don’t have the time to get to know even a little about me – and tell me some stuff about yourself – you don’t have the time to be trying to get me to play with your dick. Oh – and don’t try to bullshit me because, well, that’s been tried before and it fails; this ain’t my first rodeo, after all, and I can play that game as well as or better than other guys can because, lest you forget, I am a guy, too.
I share this with others and they do the “Yeah, but…” thing a lot because, I dunno, they just have it in their head to make it harder to have sex than to make it easier for that to happen and, no, I haven’t gathered enough information to say why a lot of people are like this. Thus, they can’t find someone because they make it hard to find someone and this remains, at least for now, the biggest problem with being bisexual but it’s a problem that, like an onion, has a lot of layers that surround its core.
With all that I’ve learned, I’m still learning and, honesty, what I’m learning is both encouraging in that more and more people are of a mind to be bisexual and “disappointing” because more and more people aren’t doing what can be done to make their dreams, hopes, and even fantasies become reality.