One thing to think about doing, another to actually do it and both parts of this reality aren’t all that easy to wrap your head around and, as I scribbled yesterday, there’s either going to be that “aha” moment or that “oh, no” one but, in either event, the experience gets even more interesting once one has had a chance to think about things or that moment I like to call the “what the fuck did I just do?” moment.
One of the hallmarks of this moment is guilt; overwhelming to the point of being physically ill guilt. And it’s a real thing but those of you who’ve been following and reading should know how I am at this point and, if so, you’d understand why I’d ask even myself, “Why am I feeling guilty over something I wanted to do?”
A lot of guys – in particular – are of a mind that the guilty feeling comes from them doing something they had no business doing and there’s some truth to this because there’s always that war I mentioned yesterday going on inside one’s head that causes so much internalized confusion: Not supposed to but you really want and need to. Along with this is the habit we seem to have to always think about the worst that could happen more than we do about the, ah, benefits of whatever we’re thinking about doing before the fact but, okay – a lot of guys are able to either set all of that aside and remain committed to doing (a) what men ain’t supposed to be doing but (b) yeah… it has to be done; it tends to overload one’s mind to the point that some guys just and really do say, “Fuck it…” and just go for it and some guys have their brain just shut them down and, nope, sorry – I just can’t.
I keep mentioning this aspect because there are still a lot of people who believe that bisexuals – male or female – don’t give any thought about the sin they’re about to commit and that’s never been true – but it looks like it is. So, here we have… “Frank,” who has been thinking about having oral sex with another guy and he’s been thinking about this and, perhaps, so much that it often distracts him. He’s going through the pros and cons – and more of the cons than the pros – but everything keeps telling him that he needs to find a guy to get this done with. Frank finds a guy, the deal’s been made as well as the time, date, and place this epic event in his life is going to take place.
Frank is both excited but that battle is still going on inside his head and all of the doom and gloom shit he’s been thinking about is trying to make him chicken out but he’s determined to see this through and to whatever conclusion manifests itself. Frank and the other guy – let’s call him… “Gene” – meets and they’re off to the agreed upon location and right about now, Frank’s mind is ripping along at Warp 200; he wants to call it off but, again, he’s determined not to and, besides: Nothing has happened yet.
At the place; some very nervous talking and after that crazy pregnant pause, the clothes come off, dicks are exposed and now Frank is sorting through the jumble of thoughts that is going to do that go/no-go thing because, again, it’s one thing to think about sucking a guy’s cock and a very different thing when the guy’s cock is right there and waiting and, yeah, that includes his. That awkward “who’s gonna get it started thing,” someone says, “Fuck it…” and let the cock sucking commence. Either way, Frank’s mind is on the edge of an overload as it’s trying to process what’s going on while being reminded that he shouldn’t be doing this and all the fucked up shit he’s been thinking about is bouncing around inside his head and to the point where he’s not really paying attention to what he’s doing or, if the other guy went first, what’s happening to him.
But the “voices in his head” grow quiet; they don’t exactly go away but they’re down to a dull roar because his body has stepped in and decided that this is feeling good and it should be paid attention to. At this point of the scenario, I have to say that this cacaphony of thoughts can often just put a guy into sensory overload and/or overstimulate him and, well, no boner. But for the sake of this, let’s say that our boy Frank hasn’t gotten overloaded or overstimulated and let’s say that he made the first move to suck Gene’s cock and as he’s been doing just that, the part of his mind that is unaffected by this has been analyzing everything Frank has been doing: Is it good or bad? Gene yells out that he’s gonna cum and a decision point has been reached: Does Frank stop and back away from the dick and watch it spurting all over the place or does he keep sucking and that spurting is gonna happen in his mouth? More than likely, this is another “fuck it” moment since one of his concerns was about that acquired taste thing.
Two possible outcomes – and the pun is intended big time. If he decides not to let the cum into his mouth, he moves away and watches the eruption and, as I’ve been told by real-life guys in this moment, yeah – there’s something exciting about having made another guy cum but, at this point, there’s no real sense of guilt or wrongdoing so much; yeah, he shouldn’t have had his mouth on Gene’s cock to begin with but, it was and that’s that. The other decision is that he doesn’t back off, keeps going, and now he’s getting his first taste of spunk and, well, is it as bad as everyone says it is or it is not all that bad? Frank has the option to spit it out or swallow it and that decision actually takes place pretty quickly although, again in real-life situations, there can be so much of it that swallowing it becomes like a “self-defense” kind of thing; it’s one thing to think about getting sperm in your mouth, something else when there’s sperm in your mouth.
Stay with me. Frank finishes Gene off and, for this scribble, Gene isn’t going through that guilty phase and after catching his breath, it’s time to return the favor. Frank just might be having second thoughts about this but chances are he’s in that “in for a penny” phase of things and any reluctance he may be experiencing becomes moot as Gene goes down on him. Brain is processing and analyzing; body gets around to turning it down or just turning it off and in favor of, hmm, damn, that feels good. Gene gets Frank to the point of no return and shoves him right off the edge and into the abyss…
Then that moment of clarity arrives and kicks Frank dead in the ass or screams at him, “What the fuck did you just do?” – and here comes the guilt. Some of it is morality-driven and a lot of it is due to the refractionary period of sex in men and something that not a lot of guys know about but they’ve experienced it: It’s that thing that once you bust a nut, you just don’t feel like having sex again even if you’ve had it in your mind to get right back at it. Being horny is a biochemical thing and a bunch of stuff gets together, loads up, and you’re doing the nasty, it’s good and all that, here comes the nut and all the stuff driving the bus is now depleted – you literally run out of gas and, depending on the individual, it can feel pretty damned ugly…
And it feels just like guilt and so much that unless you knew about the refractionary period of sex, you couldn’t tell the difference between having a guilty conscious and having depleted your supply of oxytocin and other goodies. Frank’s mind is now pitching a bitch at him because if he doesn’t know anything else, he knows he just broke all of the rules against what just happened and it’s not making him feel good… but his body is feeling pretty good but that sense of guilt is pretty much making ignore that… and a lot of other things.
If you think that everything Frank went through before the fact is bad, the after the fact stuff can be even worse. Like I’ve said – and it’s no joke – I’ve seen guys throw up; I’ve seen them break down and cry; I’ve seen them have panic attacks… and I’ve seen none of that happen but, yeah, their mind is fucking with them and that damned refractionary period ain’t helping matters. Frank is now second-guessing himself and very well might be quite unhappy with himself and/or having other really bad thoughts and here’s what Gene should do:
Let him know that he really didn’t do anything wrong even though, morally, he did. Gene should, ideally, let Frank know that whatever shitty thoughts and feelings he’s experiencing is quite normal and that it does happen to a lot of guys to some degree or another. Frank may or may not give voice to what he’s thinking and feeling – and it would help him if he did because keeping all of it inside ain’t gonna help matters, either. If Frank admits that now he feels guilty and saying that he shouldn’t have done this, what Gene should do, ideally, is ask him a question and a very specific one: Was it okay for you while they were actually doing it?
The question is “designed” to get Frank to not think about how he’s feeling right now but to apply a bit of misdirection to get him thinking about how he was feeling – and maybe thinking – in the moment. It doesn’t gloss over what he’s feeling now and it does have to be addressed but that feeling of guilt, again, can be very overwhelming and can tend to make some guys overlook the fact that while it was happening, um, yeah – it felt amazing.
Now it’s just a matter of Frank’s ability to process all of this to determine if this was an “aha” moment or the very much dreaded “oh, no” moment; he’s either going to be able to sort this out quickly or it’s gonna take some more time or he won’t be able to sort it out at all. The reasons why so many guys wind up having after the fact issues are twofold: The first is they often don’t really want to talk about it and the other is that the other guy – Gene – isn’t of a mind to check with Frank to see if he’s really okay and sometimes that happens because Gene is working through his own refractionary period and/or, if this is a “first time” thing for him, that shitty guilty feeling that he just did some shit no man is ever supposed to do with another man is pretty much stomping a mud hole in his ass, too.
The good thing is that a lot of guys survive the after the fact moment; the bad thing is some guys don’t so much. Making it even worse is the fact that there is no way to know how that after the fact moment is going to go for you; you can think about it but it’s no “replacement” for having to deal with it and then there’s this: Some guys might not be all that aware of the refractionary period of sex… but they very well know how shitty they feel after they’ve busted a nut and it’s something a lot of guys feel when they masturbate and, again, they feel it after sex with a woman but, nah, it might not feel so much like guilt… but it just doesn’t feel good.
If you’ve ever wondered why some guys fall asleep after sex, it’s not always because they’ve worn themselves out doing it – it’s the refractory period of sex that’s responsible because, again, they’ve run out of gas and the depletion of the feel-good chemicals just, um, puts them to sleep. What makes this worse is that this period isn’t always consistent in how it affects a guy after the fact; it can be a long period or a very short one and that usually depends on how quickly the guy’s body can replenish those expended chemical goodies; could be in minutes, hours, or even days.
It’s just that when you combine some deliberate rule breaking with this very natural thing everyone goes through, yep – Frank can get to feeling pretty damned guilty and, again, begs that question I asked earlier: Why feel guilty about something you wanted to do? Some guys can suss this out without a whole lot of issues… and some guys are really bothered by the moral implications and so much that you could ask them if they enjoyed what happened… and they’ll tell you that they didn’t and what’s really going on here, and as I’ve learned, that their body is quite happy about how things literally came out… but one’s mind? Not even happy about it.
This whole after the fact thing taught me something important and something a lot of people either don’t agree with or don’t even know about: Your body doesn’t care who is giving it pleasure… but your mind does… and it does because we’ve been conditioned to care about that aspect. Woman gives you a blow job? No biggie… but if a guy does it? It’s a biggie and a very major one and the truth is that it’s not easy to wrap your head around it. It is one of those things where I’ve heard guys do the, “Yeah, but…” thing: Yeah, it felt good and all that… but it also felt wrong and with the wrongness being the morality of things.
Bisexuals do think about this before the fact; they do consider the consequences of their actions as well as the pros and cons of the action to be taken. There’s a huge decision process going on within them that will either make them go forward or stop them dead in their tracks. And it’s a sure bet that when it’s all said and done – and that refractory period kicks in – they’re gonna feel pretty shitty and, yeah, guilty. Some guys are just able to sort it all out and determine that, okay – broke the rule but they’re not gonna feel guilty about it because it did feel good and it worked for them.
Some guys can’t. Trashing and ignoring the moral imperative not to do this with other men just overpowers everything and now it’s a matter of how much the guilt of it is going to fuck their head up and, yeah, the power of belief shows up and says that if you believe you just fucked up and like you’ve never fucked up anything before, well, you just fucked up in a huge and unforgivable way… and nothing anyone is going to tell you is going to change your mind… but there is always that one “tiny” voice that keeps saying, “But you really didn’t do anything wrong and you did like it while it was happening…”
Yep… I’m that guy who bothered to figured this out because I wanted to know why it feels so damned shitty to do something I also knew I very much wanted and needed to do… and whether it was sex with a woman, spanking my monkey, or having sex with a guy… and my thought that the moral implications just couldn’t be the only reason for this. I looked high and low for the answers… and I found them.
And now I’m telling you what I found. What can be done about it? Actually, not a whole lot other than finding a way to deal with it. Given our ability to be able to justify whatever we do, well, that part can be easy… or not; there’s nothing I know of that can do anything about the refractory period of sex and its effects and affects; you can probably do some stuff about it after the fact, like, replacing electrolytes and stuff like that… but I think the only way to stop it from happening at all is to not bust a nut or have really intense orgasms – they deplete the feel-good chemicals, too.
Do women go through this? Yeah, they do – it’s just different than it is with guys. A woman’s refractory period, I’ve read, tends to be shorter in duration and I do mean short. That guilty feeling of breaking the rules and having sex with a another woman? Present and accounted for but women, as far as I’ve been able to discern, handle this better than guys do for the most part… and sometimes not so much because at the root of any of this after the fact stuff is the morality of it all but I’m also of a mind that if one has that “aha” moment, it goes a long way to making any feelings of guilt less of a problem.
The hard part isn’t doing it; it’s dealing with it all after the fact that presents the most problems for a lot of people who, instead of having an “aha” moment, they find themselves buried in that “Oh, no! What the fuck did I just do (and why did I do it)?” moment that does not ever feel good.