Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: The Struggle

28 Oct

If there’s one thing that keeps circling the “drain” in my mind about bisexuality it’s why, in these days of heightened understanding about sexuality, there are so many who struggle with it. Those of you who follow and read have seen me write time and time again that it’s not like we, collectively, have no idea or clue that there are so many people who just aren’t straight. Even when I go back to the earlier days of my existence, we knew that not everyone was straight and, I’d say in my time, the war against homosexuality escalated and many lives were destroyed and lost because we wanted to believe and maintain a truth that, clearly, wasn’t all that true.

For us young, horny, and curious bisexuals of the early 1960s, we were this way despite all of the dire warnings and punishments and the angst was so prevalent that being called a faggot, queer, fairy, or sissy would either be fighting words or capable of sending someone running away in tears since the opinion of that time was that anyone who fit the general description was the worst motherfucker who could have ever been born. When I first became aware of the struggle, I didn’t understand it but I began to understand it when I’d run into someone who wanted to know what it was like to have sex boy to boy (or girl to girl) but they were sorely afraid of being called the aforementioned faggot, queer, fairy, sissy, or a bull dyke.

They weren’t so much afraid of the sex itself but no one wanted to bear the weight of those aforementioned labels. I remember a girl I knew who everyone was calling a dyke (but she really wasn’t totally into girls) and how she struggled with being called one, giving me a look at the struggle itself and thinking that she wouldn’t be struggling with this if she weren’t being made to struggle with it. As the saying goes, the struggle was real: Children were being disowned or otherwise shunned and other kids were being historically vicious and evil as they teased, taunted, and beat up any other kid they knew wasn’t straight or was rumored not to be.

Bisexuality was real, too – it just wasn’t getting what I’d call any serious attention; by and large, it was either a joke or a way to yank someone’s chain and in the not-so-good way. Any guy who appeared not to be interested in girls was automatically a faggot and, again, even if the accusation wasn’t true; any girl who was a tomboy or appeared not to be interested in boys was a lezzie dyke and just hated boys… and even if that accusation wasn’t true.

The struggle was a bitch to find pressing on you to find that you could be so very much hated for being something everyone kept saying no one should ever be… yet, even in those early times, so many of us weren’t straight and those of us who weren’t totally gay found ourselves being the butt-end of a lot of jokes because, even way back then, it was assumed that no one in their right mind would go both ways and since this was presumed to be a given, many of us got our first exposure to the black and white mindset that you were either straight – which was good – or you were gay – which was as bad as anyone could be.

But, again, there were many of us who were smack dab in the middle; it didn’t really matter why we were or how we got there: It’s where we found our sexual comfort zone and one that just worked but the struggle became more of an issue, not because of the wholesale hatred and prejudice going on but because of a kind of hypocrisy that was also becoming rather clear, well, to those of us who were of a mind to notice it and question it:

If this isn’t the way people are supposed to be, why are so many people not the way they’re supposed to be? Bisexuality comes with its own built-in struggle just by not really being straight or gay… but the struggle actually became… clearer because the source of it – religion – was, in our minds and especially in my own mind, was seriously off-base about this; people who weren’t straight were being made to struggle because of something that was supposedly written and because God said so and it wasn’t the truth of things. Even I wondered why everyone wanted to believe something that, like it or not, was being proven not to be the truth of things…

And it’s a question I still ask myself today as more and more bisexuals find themselves struggling with something that, truth be told, they shouldn’t be struggling with. They are made to struggle because of the fear others have about dying and going to hell for both sinning and disobeying God’s Word and Law. I remember someone telling me that because I wasn’t straight – and it didn’t matter to them that I wasn’t gay, either – that I was going to die and go burn in hell for all of eternity and instead of it pissing me off like it used to, I just said, “Probably… but I’m not going to be the only one and if that’s really true, ha, my reservation has been confirmed already so I’ll be in good company.”

Yes, indeed; I didn’t escape the attempts to have the struggle thrust upon me and, yeah, it doesn’t feel good to have people you knew turning their backs on you because you weren’t straight and then, because of their beliefs and, might I say, abject ignorance, they thought I was gay. It didn’t feel good to hear people saying some pretty awful things about anyone who wasn’t straight and that bisexuals were just as bad and wrong as those queer-assed homos; it’s one thing to know about man’s inhumanity to man… and pretty fucked up to find yourself being subjected to that inhumanity and, again, over something that, as my observations and investigations were proving, wasn’t the whole truth of things.

I just got to a point where I realized that no one could make me struggle with my sexuality unless I allowed it; they could say whatever they wanted to and they could turn their backs on me all they wanted to but the only way any of this was really and seriously going to fuck with me is if I allowed it to fuck with me… so I didn’t allow it. I realized that people could say whatever they wanted to and, yeah, if they were of a mind to do something about it – and I’m talking violence – well, let’s just say that I knew I wouldn’t be the only one getting their ass kicked… and none of it would or could change the fact that I’m neither straight nor gay – I’m both:

I’m bisexual. The good thing, as I saw it, were that there were many others like me who took this stand and refused to get dragged into the struggle and one that just did not make any sense; the bad thing was that many more were being made to struggle and it seemed to me that the more homosexuals were making their case to be treated to the same human rights as everyone else had, the more pressure the struggle was bringing to bear and I still couldn’t see the sense of it and more so when I started digging around to find out why it was said and demanded that everyone be straight and when I figured it out, I was stunned but, at the same time, hmm, okay, that actually makes sense when you think about the way the world was in those very ancient times.

Babies. Reproduction. The perpetuation of the species. They knew, way back then, if boy/boy and girl/girl sex was happening, babies weren’t being born and, yeah – there weren’t that many humans around so the rules – and I say it grudgingly – made sense and made even more sense to back it up by instilling great fear for one’s eternal soul for noncompliance to the edict. At first, I actually didn’t believe that this was the reason but the more I dug – and, um, the more trouble I got into talking to ministers of faith about this, well, nothing else made sense and more so when God told Adam and Eve, when He evicted them from the Garden of Eden, “Go ye forth and multiply…” and, yeah… only one way to do that.

Except, as it turns out, a lot of those very early humans weren’t all that interested in multiplying so much and discovered that sex just wasn’t for reproduction; not only was having sex fun but ya didn’t have to do it in the way they said it had to be done… then Onan did what he did and it was interpreted that masturbation was a sin… but that wasn’t the sin he committed but, yeah – that explained why those of us who discovered masturbation would get our heads handed to us for indulging in a sin that wasn’t a sin. And the thing that stood out to me was that despite the morality; despite all the doom and gloom surrounding not being heterosexual and doing things the way God said they were to be done, people were still not being straight or all that straight.

People struggle with their sexuality because they’re made to struggle with it because of something that was written that’s not only not the whole truth of things but for reasons that, here in 2020 (and, actually way before now) that no longer exists since we figured out how to have babies without having to have sex – and maybe you’ll remember how a lot of people lost their ever-loving minds when the first “test tube baby” was born and if you don’t, I do – one thing to know the history of this, another thing to have been there as history was being made.

The fucked up thing? We still are made to struggle over not being heterosexual; we continue to hold true to a standard of existence that has been… defied all along. The hypocrisy says that you have the right to live your life any way you want to or can… as long as you live it the way you’re told to and that means your horny ass had better be straight and no excuses or exceptions for not being this was will not be accepted or tolerated and, yeah, you’re still gonna die and go to hell.

The struggle remains very real because we still believe in something that has been proven over all of this time not to be the whole truth of things. And we know this. And we still continue to struggle with it. Bisexuals, in particular, don’t really struggle with being bisexual so much: The struggle with what other people are gonna “kick their ass” about for not being straight and on top of the continued misconception and, dare I say, ignorance, that if you’re not straight – and you go both ways – that means you’re really a homosexual.

Makes you wonder, doesn’t it? Okay… the disease card. On the whole, this has been a part of human nature as anything else is and, these days, this is being hyped to the point where I know of some guys who believe that if they even touch another man’s cock, they’re gonna catch something and die a horrible death. The people who are still so steadfastly against anything that even remotely resembles not being heterosexual continue to bring all the doom and gloom they can think of and making people succumb and submit to the struggle even though, forever and ever, they know that there’s no real truth to what they think and/or believe. All manners of horror stories about not being and remaining straight abound – nothing new about this at all… pretty “strange” that people still believe them as much as they do just as we continue to believe that if it went badly for someone, it’s going to go badly for them, too… and without giving a single thought to the fact that sex, in and of itself, doesn’t always go as swimmingly as we all have been led to believe… and untold numbers of very straight folks can bear witness to this.

We just don’t talk about that one so much because it doesn’t serve the purpose of the struggle to speak about the truths. It’s not so much that any of us don’t have reason to be fearful of not being straight: It’s that we are being made to be afraid even when we know more about human sexuality now than we ever had at any other time in our existence. Not the way it’s supposed to be and we maintain and insist that this is still the only truth when, again, it’s been proven over all of this time not to be the only truth.

The struggle remains real because it’s fairly difficult to change that which people believe and especially a belief that has continued to be passed on over all of the many generations. Make no mistake in this: People do wind up having their belief in these things changed but it’s also well-known that change is notoriously slow and something that humans, generally speaking, aren’t fond of and tend to be resistant to. Since the war against homosexuality crashed and burned, shit… I guess there’s nothing to be done about the aspect of the human condition that says we just ain’t being human if we don’t have something to bitch about and in the area of sexuality, it’s bisexuals who are having a bull’s eye painted on them and, as you know, there’s so much riffing and shit going on that only serves to keep the struggle alive and as well as it can be.

Except, um, hmm: As invasive and persistent as the struggle has become these days, it’s still not stopping people from being bisexual. If it’s done anything, it’s done what it did for homosexuality: Driving it underground and, shit, making a lot of people into… liars of a kind because even in the here and now, bisexuals do not really want to be – or keep being – lumped in with homosexuals. Not that there’s anything wrong with being homosexual because there really isn’t… but a lot of people still think and believe it’s wrong and they have no problem letting anyone who cares to listen to why they continue to believe that it’s morally fucked up to be anything other than heterosexual.

Bisexuals aren’t so much afraid of the sex itself although, yeah, it can be pretty scary since it’s sex in a way that one may have heard about but it’s always a different thing when it’s them being in that moment of truth. What they are very afraid of is and, at least from where I’ve been sitting, what someone else is going to say or even do if it is discovered that, holy shit – not only are they not straight, they’re not really gay, either. It just fucking amazes me at how blind we’ve been made to be and to the point where we still believe that there’s absolutely nothing between straight and gay and that there shouldn’t be – and even when the Drs. Kinsey – and about a year or so before I was born – let it be known that there is something between being straight and gay.

We know it as bisexuality. We are only now getting our heads around the fluidity of human sexuality, well, better than we did compared to how we thought about things in the 1960s… and despite our “newly found” enlightenment, the struggle continues but maybe not as… vigorous as before. The struggle… struggles to stay alive and to the extent that it is very much believed that all of the angst against bisexuality is coming from those who are “rabidly” heterosexual… and it isn’t. To be sure, there are heterosexuals who are staunch believers in the way it’s supposed to be but a lot of the angst is coming from some member of the sexual community who, themselves, aren’t straight.

The struggle continues to exist and plague people because of that which we believe and bisexuals have the unenviable position of being caught in the middle of two different – but strangely similar – schools of thought and, for the most part, bisexuals are being made to struggle because we’ve adopted both schools of thought… but not just one of them exclusively. You’ve heard of the stereotypes about being greedy and confused; about being serial cheaters who can’t commit to relationships or just be happy with whatever sex and/or emotional succor that’s already available. Many bisexuals are “just now” being subjected to this and it is truly fucking with their heads while “old heads” like me are sitting back and rolling our eyes because this ain’t new at all; I grew up hearing this even when it was more aimed at those damned gay people.

We have learned much… and haven’t learned a damned thing. The good part is that many bisexuals aren’t allowing the struggle to fuck with them and the bad part, of course, is so many bisexuals – and folks who feel, think, and believe that bisexuality is the thing that will make them right with themselves – are letting themselves get caught up in the struggle and one that is designed to not allow them to be the kind of person they know they must be. I read on Twitter that there are those who say that if you don’t acknowledge the fact that biphobia, as well as bisexual erasure, isn’t a real thing, well, you’re part of the problem… and I call bullshit on that because, these days, there isn’t a bisexual who isn’t aware of these things…

There are just some of us who ain’t of a mind to be caught up in the dumb shit driving these things. As I said when I first learned about erasure, you can’t erase me and you can’t erase the fact that I know that I’m bisexual – and I’ve been bisexual way longer than a lot of the people who are pitching a bitch about bisexuals being invisible and all that rot. Just because you don’t or can’t see us does not ever mean that we don’t exist. And there are bisexuals who believe that they can be erased and they, too, have succumbed to what has always been humanity’s black eye: The fear of the other or, if you’re not like us, you’re against us. Tribal. Primative. Contentious. What it means to be human. We know that we shouldn’t be this way and that it serves humanity no real purpose but, yep – it’s the way we still are about a lot of things and sexuality is right there at the top of the list of things we get very pissy about.

The good thing, I think, is that the morally righteous lost the war against homosexuality and they will lose the war against bisexuality, not that they were winning it in the first place, mind you. The bad thing, I know, is that the struggle remains very damned real for a great many people and, nope, once you get caught up in the struggle, it’s not really that easy to get away from it… but it can be done. I did it and a damned long time ago… and I’m not the only one who managed to divorce themselves from the insanity of the struggle. The only person who can do anything about my bisexuality is… me. I run shit here; this is my life and it’s how I want to go about doing things and if you don’t like it or don’t believe in it, that’s not only not my problem but you’re not going to make it my problem and, as such, drag me into the struggle. Not gonna happen; not because I’m… stubborn but because I know the truth: Being just straight or just gay has never been the only ways to be.

History itself – and even when it’s been lost, changed, and even erased – bears this out. It is just as both bi- and homosexuals have been saying: If God didn’t want me to be the way I am, I wouldn’t be the way I am. And I almost hate to say it but, um, God isn’t the one who got us started with this – we just say He did – and we believe it. Mankind said this. Wrote it. Insisted it was God’s Word. I’m not blaspheming or anything like that but it begs the question: If God gave us free will – and even reluctantly – why would He even care about how we like to have sex and be emotionally comfited?

The kind of questions that tend to seriously piss a lot of people off because, if nothing else, they challenge that which they believe and no matter why they believe it or came to. Homosexuality rocked the boat big time; bisexuality is about to sink the whole damned boat because the tenets of hetero- and homosexuality are being proven to not be the whole truth when it comes to human sexuality… but we always knew that – we just chose not to believe it.

And no one likes having their beliefs challenged and, worse, proven to be not wrong but incorrect. Invalidated and that includes everything that religion has always said about not being heterosexual. And we struggle with this and it actually kind makes sense that we do to find out that what we believed with all of our heart and soul just isn’t the whole truth. It just pisses us off and there’s always a price to be paid for pissing someone off and more so when you have the nerve to question their beliefs and insist that, nope – what you believe just never has been the whole truth of things.

Homosexuality had their great struggle and even it isn’t totally and completely free and clear of the struggle… and now bisexuality is having its great struggle and proof, again, that we have learned nothing while learning more than we’ve ever known before about human sexuality. That’s the struggle and, yes, what I’ve learned about it and, no, it’s not just what I think or what I believe because I’m not the only one who has learned this and there are people who are, even in the moment that you’re reading this, are learning that they’ve been struggling with their sexuality and they really didn’t have to and the reason why they’re struggling with it is because of the fear others have and their continued belief in something that, forever and ever, has never been 100% the truth of things.

The truth is that humans are very damned sexual and we can be just for the fun of it and everything we’ve been made to believe has gone out of its way to deny this and to shame the shit out of anyone who dares to give in to their basal and primal desires for sex – and regardless to sexuality. And, hell, no: You don’t have to believe a word of what I’ve written but, ah, ask yourself a question and one that happens to be a question I asked myself a long time ago: Why does the Catholic Church, in particular, have rules against any form of contraception? There’s a reason why they do and it used to be a damned good reason, believe it or not. Once upon a time – and as I understand it – one could be excommunicated for breaking the edict against contraception – not a good thing.

I’m just one of the many people who dared to ask, “Why?” And got my ass in some very hot water for asking. The struggle is real because, well, that’s the way it’s supposed to be and if you’re not with us, you’re against us… and I don’t know about any other bisexual or any other “sexual” but I’m quite okay being against the way it’s supposed to be…. and I’m not the only one and what scares so many people these days?

As John Cena’s tagline goes, “You can’t see me!” and for many of us, we don’t want to be seen because, if nothing else, it’s none of your damned business how we’re having sex and who we’re having it with; sex is supposed to be private and do we not have the right to keep our sexual proclivities an activities private? Yeah, we do, don’t we? The struggle doesn’t get to be a problem until someone tries to make it your problem and if you let them make it your problem, well, welcome to the struggle and I’m sure you’re not going to enjoy it one bit.

And as proven by the many people who at this very moment are struggling with being bisexual.

And I am still the very bisexual guy who has the nerve to say something about any or all of this. The struggle isn’t accepting this about yourself; it’s not even doing something about it although, yeah, that ain’t the walk in the park many believe it should be. The struggle is external – it comes from what others believe or, in this, don’t, can’t, or even want to believe. It’s what they think; what they believe and many who believe don’t even know why they believe it other than having been told that it’s not the way it’s supposed to be… and God said so.

And we continue to prove that we can’t handle the truth. We know the nature of the beast we are and, nope, can’t handle it. The truth is that for whatever reasons suits our purpose in life, we can be whatever kind of sexual we want and need to be and, yeah – we can change our mind about that if we want and need to. It’s just that we’ve never been on the same page about it and still engage in that very primative behavior that says if you’re not like or with us, you’re against us…

And we will find a way to deal with your fucked up asses and keep trying to even when nothing that has been done to date has changed anything. One of the ultimate acts of futility we stubbornly keep going. You can’t stop human sexuality; words haven’t stopped it and the many acts of violence that have taken place all along has failed to stop it. We know it; we’ve always known it.

We have learned nothing from our failures in trying to stop it.

Thus endeth the rant that really isn’t a rant; it just a truth that many of us refuse to accept that that refusal gives the struggle life to keep fucking with us. If you don’t believe me, you don’t have to and if you don’t, it doesn’t change anything. I’m bisexual. I’m not the only one who is. All anyone can do is not like it, not believe in it, whatever… and it still changes nothing since – and maybe you feel that this is exaggerated (and it isn’t) when I say that even as you read this – and if you bothered to read it – someone is finding out that they’re bisexual and, hmm, it’s not as bad as it’s said to be.

And chances are good that they, too, will get caught and bound up by the struggle.

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Posted by on 28 October 2020 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts


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