Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: “What If Someone Finds Out?”

14 Jan

Of all the fears and concerns I’ve heard guys give voice to, this one is right at the top of the list and is a legitimate one since there are still a lot of people out there who have a problem with men doing anything that is deemed to be gay. Back in the day moment coming up!

We worried more about getting caught than being perceived as being a homo and in the mid-1960s, the angst against homosexuality was pretty much at its peak and, at least in my little neck of the woods, a lot was being said about those damned “flaming fags” more than any gay dude who wasn’t “on fire.” Given that we were aware of what was being said, our watch phrase of “I won’t tell if you won’t!” became an important one since any bullies around didn’t have a problem of first accusing someone of being a faggot and then beating them up for being a faggot… and even if the guy being bullied was really straight.

Sometimes someone would kiss and tell and nothing could make your guts instantly watery than having someone ask you, “Is it true that you have sex with boys?” or naming a specific guy and one who, more than likely, let it be known that he did the nasty with you and whomever he shared this secret with decided to spread the news. Unless the person asking the question was a guy who was looking for another guy to do it with, you can probably imagine how bad this situation could be. Still it didn’t stop any of us from having sex with each other all that much – it was just one more thing to be aware of.

As I traveled around my fair city and encountered other guys interested in the joys of cock, “What if someone finds out?” was the number three question behind what is it like to suck dick and to be fucked and I was learning that someone finding out was more… “universal” than a local concern in my neighborhood which made “I won’t tell if you won’t” even more important but, yeah, a guy could promise not to tell and, often, accidentally let it be known and usually to someone they trusted to keep the secret – and then find out that they didn’t. Of course, this was a major trust issue and such that “don’t stick it in too far!” became a very secondary trust concern and even that one was kinda left in the dust behind “don’t cum in my mouth!”

It would be a whole lot of years before I’d have a question of my own for this particular question. One day, a guy was telling me how much he wanted to find out what it was like to have sex with another guy… but he was afraid that someone would find out that he did and I had one of those moment of epiphany and asked him, “How would someone find out? The only way I know of – short of getting caught in the act – is if you or the other guy tells someone else!”

Now that I was paying attention to this, I learned something interesting: Sometimes, a guy could do his dirt with another guy, the secret is intact… but they can rat themselves out – and without actually saying that they did the unthinkable. A lot of guys would get quite paranoid about it and I was seeing that their behavior, more than anything they might have said, would often get people wondering what was up with him and then asking questions. I was seeing that some people got it right the first time; not only was homey doing something he wasn’t supposed to be doing, he was doing it with another guy! It amazed me how perceptive some people could be or, with guys in a relationship, how their woman would instantly know that something wasn’t quite right with her man and while her first thought was he was out fucking some other woman, the next thought was he was out there having sex with other men and more so when a woman could readily and easily rule out the first thought.

So it wasn’t always a matter of loose lips sinking ships – guys would be so self-conscious and even paranoid about whatever they did with a dude and their whole behavior changed and to the point where it could be noticed by others. I learned that another way a lot of guys were ratting themselves out was due to them changing their routine just enough – or too much – to draw some unwanted attention. One guy I knew had ratted himself out because he was not only hanging out with the fellas more than before, he was hanging with different guys a lot. His lady figured it out and forced a confession out of him and raked him over the coals a few times before leaving him… and he swore that one of his “lovers” had dropped a dime on him when, in fact, he told on himself… and wasn’t even aware that he had.

I had my own thoughts about this, too, and after going through moments of categorically denying that I was getting some dick, I eventually got to the point where someone finding out didn’t concern me a whole lot even though it could get pretty ugly losing friends and all that. The thing that I came to realize that if someone found out and wanted to pitch a royal bitch about it, well, okay – it doesn’t change anything other than there’s one less person I’d be associated with. Other than becoming disassociated, what could anyone really do other than not like the fact that I go both way? One guy who, for some reason, was offended by my bisexuality said, “I oughta kick your ass…” and, well, let’s say that he he learned something else about me that he didn’t know; an ass got kicked… and it wasn’t mine.

I was learning how… petty some people could be in that before they somehow discovered my “secret,” it was all good but the moment they did, now it was totally fucked up. I asked this one woman, “What changed between us other than you finding out something about me that you obviously don’t like? I ask the question because I was like this when we met and, like it or not, I’m gonna still be like this after you walk away from me.”

Her response – and one I expected – was that she didn’t believe in that shit and I shrugged and told her, “Just because you don’t believe in it doesn’t mean that me or anyone else does believe in it; just because you think it’s wrong doesn’t make it wrong… except in your itty-bitty mind.” We got into one hell of an argument when I said that and the thing I remember that was “funny” about it was the argument got so heated that we wound up having sex. Afterward, all she said was, “Damn…” and we went on together until she found someone more to her sensibilities’ liking and, even funnier, the guy she chose to be with was just as bi as I am.

I wonder if she ever found out?

Someone finding out is one of those things we all go out of our way to make sure never happens but, in reality, it’s something that can be beyond our ability to control; it can be mentally exhausting to be paying very close attention to every aspect of yourself so as not to give away any clues that you’re not as straight as others think you are… and even that can get someone thinking and figuring out that you aren’t – and now it becomes a matter of whether or not they’re gonna say something you and/or start asking questions you won’t be of a mind to answer. Before “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” became a thing our military eventually adopted, many bisexuals, including myself, had adopted such a stance or, as I’ve said to many, “Don’t ask me questions you really don’t wanna hear the answers to.”

I also learned that there are a lot of people, if/when they find or figure it out, really don’t give a fuck that you go both ways and more so when it doesn’t have anything to do with them – that “not in my back yard” thing. I don’t know how many times I’ve had this conversation with a guy and he’s freaking out because he thinks I wanna jump in bed with him and I’ve said, “Don’t flatter yourself; you’re not that interesting…” I was learning that, in a lot of situations, it wasn’t the sex they were afraid of: They were more afraid of someone finding out and declaring that they were as gay as a three dollar bill. I’ve said, here of late and without offense, that gay dudes didn’t do us bi guys any favors being all up in everyone’s face about them being gay and to the point where there are a lot of bi guys – or very curious guys – sitting on the bench and it’s not all because of them being worried about catching something infectious and nasty:

They’re very much afraid of being seen as a gay man. There are still a lot of people who are of a mind to think and say that if a guy is into sucking cock, then he must be into men and like gay men are… and that’s not really the whole truth of things because some guys really do like sucking cock more than they’re into the guy its attached to. The ongoing angst toward bi men has made someone finding out more of a problem; not only would they be mislabeled as being gay, now they’re a major disease vector and as if declaring one’s self as being bisexual instantly riddles your body with every sexually transmitted disease known to man… and even if one hasn’t even touched another man’s body in a sexual way.

What if someone finds out? Well, they find out and they can find out despite your best efforts for them to not find out. What do you do when you get confronted with it? Depends on the individual and the knee-jerk reaction is to categorically deny all allegations even if there’s verifiable evidence. Do you tell the truth? They say that the truth will set you free and, in this, it can literally set you free from being associated or otherwise connected with someone. Guys are very much aware of this and it is a great source of concern and worry. Shit… not only are you some kind of gay freak, you’re the worst liar the world has ever seen and known! Cue that famous movie line: “You want the truth?” “You can’t handle the truth!”

And the fact of things is that there are a lot of people who can’t handle the truth; it’s not within their system of belief and they’re of a mind that because they wouldn’t so some shit like that, no one should… but the truth is different, isn’t it? Someone asked me about this and I said, “I really don’t give a fuck if they find out or not and if they do – and they don’t like it – all they can do is not like it… and it’s never going to change this about me.” That doesn’t mean that I’m going to run around and tell everyone I come in contact with that I’m bisexual – you just do not ever give someone a stick to beat you with and why invite or court trouble when you’ve already got enough shit of your own to worry about? You want the truth? Be careful what you ask and wish for since, chances are, you are not gonna like hearing the truth one bit.

Discretion is the watchword of the day and it’s the one thing guys looking to get with other guys demand and insist upon above all else – it is a very serious trust issue. Should anyone who is bisexual or even curious just come out and let everyone know this about them? Many say that this has to be done even if it winds up fucking your life up for the rest of your life. I say that this is a need to know kind of thing… and there are some people who just do not need to know and as a lot of guys have found out the hard way.

“Yo, what if someone finds out that we did this?” My answer? “I won’t tell if you won’t but if someone does find out, it won’t be because I said something and I’ll even let you know that they way you act could very well tell someone something you’d not want them to know.” There are guys who are more bisexual than I am… and no one knows that they are or, at the very least, no one has questioned them about their sexuality; how do they manage that? I have no idea other than they’re more in control of themselves than, say, the average guy might be. If their daily routine has changed, they have a good and even plausible reason why it’s changed and, yeah, it might be a bit of a fib but there always remains that thing that what you suspect is one thing… but what you can prove is something else… but in this? We live in a time where you’re guilty and any proof toward your innocence is summarily rejected so, yeah – it’s no wonder that so many guys are so very worried about someone else finding out that they go both ways.

The guys I think get discovered more and someone finds out what they’ve done? That would be the guys who think of bisexuality as being two different things and because they think like this, it makes them behave differently and to the point where they will invariably and, perhaps, inevitably find themselves being asked about something they’d rather not respond to. So a lot of guys do ask what’s the best way to go about this without anyone finding out…

And I don’t know what to tell you other than there’s no sure-fire way that I’m aware of; if ya don’t want anyone else to know, do whatever you gotta do so that no one else ever does and with the understanding that it might not work or, as my late and beloved mother used to tell us, “Every closed eye ain’t sleep!” which means someone could have found out and they’ve not let it be known that they did.

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Posted by on 14 January 2021 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts


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