One of the members of the forum asked this question and my first thought was, “Yeah, it looks like it, doesn’t it?” and my second thought was along with my own thoughts about this – “What I am seeing… and is it really becoming a thing?”
There are a lot of guys who, as I’ve said a lot, have gotten in touch with their feminine side but not being “girly” so much (but some of them are) as they’re deep into their emotions and not being all that hesitant to let them out. I’ve seen the guys who are in sexless relationships (1) kinda tend to turn to other men for sex, (2) tend to be cock suckers and of the submissive type where their mantra is that it’s always better to give than receive and, (3) tend to look for the emotional comfort that’s now absent from their lives.
There are guys who, sans problems with the ladies, are looking for other men that they can relate to and not necessarily always in a sexual way or, as mentioned many times before, their approach to other men isn’t all that different from how they’d approach women and with a lot of emphasis on attraction, chemistry and other factors as a precursor to sex. Cityman, when we talk, mentions male bonding at times and with the thought that if we were allowed to be more intimate and open with each other, there could be a lot of good that could come from this but it’s not always about getting dicks hard and making them delightfully soft.
Not that this would be a bad thing, mind you…
We tend to keep a lot of shit walled up inside of us and shit that only other men can really understand and appreciate and while there are women who would prefer that, for one, we didn’t do this and, two, share this walled up stuff with them, um, yeah – that doesn’t always go according to plan but there are guys who feel that if they had that one (or two) good male friends they could open up to – and not being told that they’re silly for thinking and/or feeling the way they do about things – well, it takes a lot of pressure off one’s mind if nothing else…
And if that bond really takes hold there’s a chance that it could turn sexual and for some, it’s an expectation or, to be more polite, if our newly bonded friend were to mention that he was in need of having his dick sucked, well, I think that can be arranged if you’re serious about what you just said. At a higher level of viewing, the lines that were present between straight, bi, and gay men appear to be blurring and getting a bit fuzzy and sex, well, that’s a plus and a benefit should a guy who’s of a mind to be more openly “emotional” but, again, it’s not the main thing on the menu and in doing so, they find men more… desirable as a kind of partner and in that “only a man knows what another man need” kind of way.
When you look at it like this, it sure does sound like a bi guy could be more gay… but I don’t think it means that all male bisexuals are making a migration to full homosexuality – and as a lot of haters say we are. It makes the label angst against the word “bisexual” a bit more sensible given that any sexual orientation is more than just the sexual aspects, not to mention that there are a slew of people who hear “bisexual” and think “homosexual;” that bisexual men also retain their affinity and sexual desires for women tend to get overlooked or dismissed since it’s not as fascinating as wanting to be intimate with another man is – and in that “watching a train wreck” way.
This is that moment when I go back into my memories and recall that moment when women began to insist that all of us emotionally closed off dude stop being so closed off and be more open – and like women tend to be. I still kinda laugh to myself to think that those women had a good idea… but they didn’t see this coming; they correctly foresaw that if we weren’t so closed off, we could get along better with them and, perhaps, didn’t think that we’d open up with other men, bond with them and, yeah, wind up in bed with them. The question is whether or not this level of openness is an indication of being more gay than bi… and while it may look that way, it may not be what’s really going on with some – but not all – bisexual men.
When bi guys talk about “being into,” they’re not necessarily talking about falling in love with a guy; they really do want and need to closely bond with another guy and, yeah, even if having sex is high on the list and I think it’s because, as we all know, sex is always better when you can really relate with someone and more than it can be in a more casual way but there’s the part where just being able to open up to and with someone who is likely to be more understanding about the stuff we keep bottled up inside of us – including any thoughts about having sex with other guys, well, that works, too, because I’ve been saying for decades that the absolute worst thing about being a bisexual guy is having no one you can talk to about it.
I don’t think it’s a matter of being more gay than bi… but it is a matter about guys wanting and needing to be more open about this and a lot of other things that, I’ll say, historically, we don’t talk to women about and more so when, also historically, some women don’t have a sense of humor or understanding about men who likes other men like that. So when girlfriend asks homey what’s on his mind, um, he’s not likely to come right out and tell her that he’s thinking about sucking a dick because it’s what he needs to do. This isn’t something that you’d necessarily blurt out to a close friend either but if that bond is both deep and unbreakable, sure – ya might be able to mention it to such a close friend and without getting lambasted for it and, um, hmm, he might even be interested himself but also not of a mind to mention it…
Because it’s buried in our social psyche that this level of sexual behavior is… gay. Even guys who bond to the point where they’re getting the bizness for being in a bromance are often assumed to also be giving each other the high hard one and that, too, is quite gay. The fact that they may not – and probably aren’t – having sex with each other doesn’t get any attention and guys in a confirmed bromance can categorically deny that they’re poking and sucking each other… and not a lot of people are going to believe them; people just tend to believe what they see, right? And in this, what they see is gay since, you know, something must be going on between them since the only men they know about who behaves like this with each other are…
Gay men. Even on the inside, there’s this… schism going on where guys who are only about getting the dick and not “caring a whole lot” about the guy who’s attached to it are looked at as being a kind of weirdo; I mean, really – who sucks dick just to be sucking dick? If you’re not going to be into the guy first and foremost, you’re doing it wrong! Sounds a lot like being gay, right? It isn’t… but what I think it is going on is that thing that gets pounded into everyone about not having sex with anyone you don’t have feelings for. This isn’t exclusive to sexuality – it’s just the rule many people operate under because that’s what we’re told to do and, well, it actually does work except there are people who know that you don’t need to have those deeper feelings for someone in order to have sex with them.
And, apparently, there are some bi guys who are leaning more toward “obeying” this rule and by doing so, it sure does look gay, doesn’t it? I still don’t think this is the case although I am also very much aware that there are guys who not only discover their bisexuality but discover that they’re gay or, really, come to the conclusion that being gay is what really works for them… but I’m not really talking about those guys. One of the things I learned early on was that once a guy gets a good taste of having sex with another guy, it just opens them up on the emotional side of things and, no, I’m still not talking about falling in love. Shit… how can I explain this?
The thought hits our mind that despite what everyone says, being sexually intimate with a guy can’t possibly be as bad as everyone has been saying it is. Some guys innately seem to understand – and despite what they’ve been told – that there’s more to this relating thing than we’ve been told or it’s not just boy/girl and the proof is that there’s at least an awareness of things being boy/boy and girl/girl, too. This tends to shock guys to find themselves thinking in this way because we’re not supposed to be thinking like this but no matter how much we try to deny and/or ignore our thoughts, they just stick… and now it becomes a matter of whether or not a guy is going to just let those thoughts run loose or continue to keep them walled up… and even if they do that, they find that the thoughts and associated feelings just do not ever go anywhere.
A guy decides to tempt fate and social ire and takes the plunge and, holy shit – who knew it could be like this! Well, gay men know it… and now he does. It not opens a guy up sexually, it opens his mind and emotions and while some guys manage to keep their emotions in check, a lot of guys, it seems, aren’t of a mind to do that but, according to the rules of engagement, what would be more right for them is to find a Mr. Right they can be open with, both emotionally and, yes, sexually. Sometimes I kinda laugh to myself over the women who think they understand men and sex… and if you think you do, you really don’t and the reason why you don’t is that this particular thing is something we’re not a mind to talk to women about since – again, historically – women don’t behave well to find out that they’re not the only ones we could be lusting after… and in some rather spectacular and eye-opening ways, too.
You take the plunge and find it to your liking… and now you see men in a very different way and, yeah, sometimes, when you look at a guy, you just don’t see another guy but you now see a guy you might not mind having sex with if more commonality can be established that has nothing to do with sex; when you consider that having sex has the power and ability to unlock some stuff inside of all of us – and stuff that a lot of us would prefer to keep locked away and not let anyone see or touch – well, it’s not that far of a stretch to see how one guy can find that he likes guys and can like them enough to want to have sex – and embrace his vulnerability – but not to the point where they’re going to fall madly in love with a guy… while being aware that if they thought it to be impossible, well, it’s not so impossible after all.
Even I learned that one. Now a guy who finds himself pretty much wide open has a couple of choices to make. He could just “run around” and partake of any available and willing male body or he could do it the “right way” and require a degree of “being into” as a prerequisite to giving up the dick or booty. Sounds gay, doesn’t it? It does… but, again, that’s not what’s really going on: This is about finding a way to do something that is against the rules and by invoking those same rules. Many of us do, in fact, want to be cared for and appreciated for more than just someone to have sex with and don’t we all know how “fucked up” it can feel knowing that you were just a piece of ass to someone else? In the past, guys kinda/sorta didn’t mind this a whole lot (even though it is a very sucky feeling) but these days?
Guys are minding very much. You wanna get this? I’ll gladly give it to you… under these conditions and the first one is that we must mean more to each other than just someone to have sex with. That, my friends, isn’t so much gay: It’s the way we’ve always behaved about such things. One thing a guy learns, once he has sex with a guy, is that there’s just something about men that is and can be very erotic; a guy can now look at another man’s cock and see the beauty in its form and function and, in accordance to the rules, eh, the rest of him ain’t bad either and ya might even really like other things about him like his sense of humor, his intellect and isn’t it nice to know that we have other things in common with each other… and things that don’t have anything to do with having sex?
Of course it is. And this looks quite gay, right? Except, um, the same guy who now sees men in this way would – and have – shoved men to the back of the bus and in favor of being with a woman – for sex or anything more than that which, hmm, by the way, is pretty much what “bisexual” means. The one argument I hear a lot is guys emphatically stating that they don’t like men like they do women and it’s one of the reasons why a lot of bi guys believe that being bi is two different things when, in fact, it isn’t; it’s just that we behave differently because we’re expected to be all head over heels about women and fall in love with them and, well, being that way with a guy? Um, let’s not and say we did, aight? But the attraction, even in a sexual way, is still there and wouldn’t it be nice if you could find that one guy who looked at all of this in the same way you did – and including the continued desire for women?
You bet your bippy it would be and if we were to have sex – and given and provided that we’ve bonded to this point (and we call that Friends With Benefits) – well, it’s justified because we’re not doing it “just because” we can do it; the sex will have meaning and while we might not be in love with each other, we do give a fuck about each other. Still sounds gay, doesn’t it? It, by definition, would be… if bi guys were really gay guys in waiting… and that’s not the whole truth of male bisexuality; for many of us, it’s not just about the sex so much as it is doing what we know how to do, that being, abiding by the rule that says that you do not ever get that involved with someone (jumping their bones) without having feelings that don’t have anything to do with lust and more so since lust, as I recall, is one of the seven deadly sins.
Lust feels pretty good, though, doesn’t it? Humans are designed to lust after each other and while this might make you roll your eyes, unroll them and look at the evidence: There are both homosexuals and bisexuals and then there’s this: It’s not that we aren’t supposed to feel lust for anyone – we’re not supposed to do anything about it when the lust is in the same sex (and never, ever gender) mode. And by including the G-word, it is an acknowledgment that we can be physical and emotional with, well, anyone who feels the same way we do or close enough for government work… or, perhaps, just another way to justify our sexual behaviors.
That’s not being gay: This is being human. It has been, at least for me, proof that thinking and doing are not the same things because many of us think about straddling the fence… and that’s all it is – a thought and a rather nice and salacious one, too, but one we’ve also been conditioned to feel a great deal of shame for having. A guy will say – and I’ve heard them say it a lot – that falling in love with a guy? Not even possible… but it is very possible to like another guy enough to want to have sex with him because when you care that much about someone, uh, isn’t having sex the “best way” to put those feelings on display and not to mention that having sex, period, well, that just feels good…
And it feels even better when you can be “into” someone… and just like we’ve been told is the best and only way to have sex. I maintain that bi guys are not gay guys because our “MO” isn’t based on single-source thinking; not men or women but men and women because while the sex can be “different,” our emotions aren’t all that dissimilar – now it’s just a matter of which is the most preferred and why that preference exists and it just isn’t the same with all bisexual men. Some do gravitate more to men than women but women are not excluded from this equation. Do you remember me telling you that once upon a time, it was way easier to have sex with a guy than with a woman? Not any more… because the rules of engagement still have to be adhered to and that means you do not give up the dick or the ass without some kind of connection being in place and, preferably, before any sex happens. It seems that a lot of bi guys are no longer differentiating this when it comes to men and women and since this aspect of the dynamic does – and still – involves women, hmm, I’m thinking that this isn’t gay; it’s bisexuality and, if nothing else, we – on the whole and collectively – seriously need to get away from thinking that people are either straight or gay and, as such, believing that there is no middle ground…
When there has always been one. We are only now becoming very much aware of this and if bisexuality does anything, it totally and completely trashes everything we are made to believe about love (or affection if you will and must), sex, and relationships. Men may very well still be emotionally closed off… when dealing with women… but not so much when dealing with other men and, depending on how one is thinking about such things, it’s not so much a thing of falling in love with a guy but something I’ve been saying almost all of my life:
You just have to like him enough to want to have sex with him. It’s the thing where I’ll hear some guy say that he doesn’t like guys like that – and that means in the exact same way he likes women – and I’ll ask them, “Who says you have to be?” It’s a loaded question… because I know who says you have to be: It’s what we’ve all been taught and it is what controls our behavior when we want and need to be intimate with someone and that includes being emotional and to whatever degree is required by the individual.
That’s not a thing of bisexuals being more gay; it’s just people doing things the way they’re supposed to be done but who we can be like this with is, I think, being slowly but surely blurred to the point where the differences we put in place between straight, bi, and gay are starting to… merge, for lack of a better word. The one thing we always question in these things is the morality of it all… but not the humanity involved since even two guys blowing each other is seen as being quite natural in its nature… but highly immoral.
I’m going to leave you to think about this and go play Elite Dangerous…