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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: How to Be Bisexual

20 Jan

No, it’s not what you think it is. See, there’s a lot of stuff that goes on in someone’s mind when it occurs to them that they might not be a straight as they believed themselves to be and that’s putting it very mildly. As I’ve written over all this time, there’s a lot of introspective thinking that goes on as well as the power struggle taking place between moral values and what one’s mind and body are telling them.

I had a guy ask me, “How does one go about being bisexual?” and that’s not as easy a question to answer as you might think it is; it’s not as simple as finding someone who is willing and able to have sex and jumping each other’s bones since you have to reorganize the way you look at things and through every aspect of your life, not just for “this moment” but as far forward as you can manage because setting your feet upon this path will most certainly change your life forever.

Yep… a lot of bisexuality is about the sex part of it but as I learned, there’s much more to it than that since, again, one has to reorganize the way they look at things and where love, sex, and relationships are concerned so that, even in an intellectual exercise, they can disabuse themselves of that which they believe so that they can, at the least, see the flaws in that belief and accept that while it is preferred that everyone be heterosexual, yeah, no – that’s not what’s been going on. All of this starts to bleed into thinking versus doing and what most people find out that neither thing is all that easy to get a grip on and, these days, it probably doesn’t help some folks a whole lot since there’s a lot of differing points of view about what bisexuality is and how one is supposed to be bisexual.

I’ve thought that the mistake a lot of budding bisexuals make is patterning their bisexuality based upon a model that’s more idealistic than realistic and, these days, the model appears to be more relationship-based than it is a more all-encompassing one that, in reality, says that bisexuality for an individual is all about what they want and need should they decide to straddle the line. So much focus and attention on doing and to the point where it gets overlooked that there are a lot of bisexuals who find that they don’t need to have the sex to validate their bisexuality; the short version is that they accept that this is how they feel and they’ve done whatever they can do to verify that, yep – this is how I’m feeling and I can see all of this more clearly… and that’s good enough for them.

You don’t have to have the sex to be bisexual… but if you can, well, why not? One of the problems with bisexuality, in my opinion, is the need for external validation and approval of others and this is a “mistake” of sorts since, if one is on the precipice of actually doing some stuff, they’ve already validated themselves; they’ve gotten past the hurdle of how they’re thinking and feeling versus the whole moral issue so if there’s some validation to be gained, it’s to prove to one’s self that they can, in fact, do some or all of that stuff they’ve been thinking about doing.

You can ask others how they’re bisexual but it’s really a question they have to first form for themselves because bisexuality isn’t the one-size-fits-all some folks think it is. It’s weird that almost everyone I know who discovered their bisexuality had this weird sense that they were the only one who felt this way about men and women; they feel unique and that’s actually the key to being bisexual: Making it your own because you do have to figure out how this is going to fit into your everyday life. I caution budding bisexuals to not think of this as being two different things; it’s one school of thought about having a thing for both men and women and, um, aren’t you one person? There are so many bisexuals who continue to think men or women and, sure, when you think in this way, you’re gonna see it as two different things but when you can think men and women that difference tends to go away even though one finds that while there are similarities in engaging with men and women, you still have to engage with them at the individual level because men are one way about this and women are a different way.

The key to being bisexual is accepting that this is how you feel and regardless to what society and our morality says; what you do – and if you do anything at all – is up to you. While trying to accept this new thing about yourself, I think it would help if you didn’t pay a lot of attention to the hype and other stereotypical claptrap because a lot of it is inaccurate and being offered up by those who have an axe to grind in some way – either they don’t believe in this shit or they’ve had experiences that were less than stellar. You should be aware of it because there’s no way you’re gonna be able to not come across it but the thing to do is to figure out for yourself what is the best way for you to be bisexual. Be aware of all the doomsayers out there who will try to convince you that you’re gonna wind up mentally ill and other dire warnings they love handing out and then see the big picture: All of the shit they say is so awfully terrible about bisexuality can happen to anyone; it just serves their purpose to slap this bull’s eye on bisexuals and more so when they can no longer take shots at homosexuality.

Be aware of it; learn the mentality behind the objections… then work on being the best bisexual you can be. The only person who can validate your sexuality is… you. You don’t have to be in a same-sex relationship to validate your bisexuality and, again, you don’t even have to have the sex if you can’t or don’t want to. You do not have to let the whole damned world know that you’re bisexual and as far as this goes – and if it means anything to you – I’ve always approached the whole coming out issue as being on a need to know basis… and there are, you will find, a lot of people who do not need to know but, yeah, there are some people who do need to know and letting them know isn’t going to be easy. It’s a judgement call that even in the bisexual community we don’t all agree with; many say that it’s better to tell the whole truth of your sexuality and if it winds up trashing your life, eh, you’ll get over it and some even insist that if you get kicked to the curb for being bisexual, well, whoever did the kicking never gave a fuck about you to begin with.

Just don’t make the mistake of thinking that just because you’re okay with being bisexual that everyone is going to be okay with it because you probably already know that people are really and seriously funny about such things and can be all NIMBY – not in my back yard – about sexuality. So being bisexual means thinking about all of this and how it’s going to affect you and those around you; some folks think about this and find that getting to the doing part of this ain’t worth it and that even sharing their thoughts about it can get them into very hot water because a lot of people really do believe that if you think about going this way, you’re gonna do it and telling them that you’re not gonna do anything will fall on deaf ears and, well, you know you’re lying about this so why don’t you just tell the truth… so I can remove you from my life?

How to be bisexual? Learn how to deal with this because if I don’t know anything else, I know that having the sex is way easier than dealing with this aspect. Determine and decide for yourself what is going to be the best way to handle things and while you can ask other bisexuals for their advice – and that includes me – the final decisions belong to you and you alone. I tell budding bisexuals to think first, then act if you must… or if you can… then tack on that if you can’t, try not to lose any sleep over it because there are, again, a lot of bisexuals who just can’t act and then because they determine that it is not going to be in their best interests to act.

How to deal with the frustration? Again, this is one of those easier said than done answers: Don’t worry about the stuff you can’t do anything about and that includes the way you feel. If you can act but find yourself frustrated and usually over not being able to find someone you can act with? It might sound counterproductive or counterintuitive but I’d suggest invoking KIS – Keep It Simple (and no, not gonna call anyone stupid using this acronym). What I know is that people tend to overthink doing something and, as I’ve written over and over, they make it hard for themselves to do anything and well before they even do anything. It’s very okay to think about what you want to experience but you also have to think about why you want to experience something and, nope, even that’s not the no-brainer it seems to be. Who gets to be a problem and I’m never gonna bullshit anyone about this part and it is the part where many folks fail to keep it simple since many of them will create the ideal person inside their head and then create the perfect scenario for doing whatever they have in mind to experience.

It’s not wrong… it’s just not a good idea because the one thing I try to tell budding bisexuals is that the person you create in your mind may or may not exist and, oh, yeah, since that ideal person isn’t likely to fall out of the sky and present themselves to you, you’re gonna have to look for them. In this, almost every bisexual I know works toward the maximum and are pretty much in that all or nothing mindset; I suggest that if you’re gonna create some stuff about this – and you’re gonna have to – set a minimum set of requirements and requirements that will allow you a lot of wiggle room. Nothing fucks a bisexual up more than being all or nothing about this and find out that what they get is a whole lot of nothing and then they can’t seem to figure out why they’re getting nothing… and then blaming others for their great lack of nothing when, 99% of the time, the fault is their own.

Established bisexuals even argue over this; you have the right to want what you want and in the exact way you want it and this is true… doesn’t mean you’re gonna easily find someone who is going to agree with your exact way of doing things because if bisexuals have one thing in common, it’s that we’re all bisexual… but how we go about doing stuff is very different and it would be a safe assumption to think that they’re not employing KIS either. It’s like this: When it’s time to do, make it easy on yourself to be able to do. Got casual sex issues? Get rid of them. I get that a lot of today’s bisexuals are risk-adverse and of a mind that if they’re in a relationship with someone – usually FWB – they’ll be safer… and it’s an illusion.

Being bisexual means understanding that being bisexual isn’t the same as being straight or gay; it really is a mixture of both schools of thought and you’d do well to keep in mind that a lot of gay folks think about love, sex, and relationships in the same way that straight folks do. Being bisexual – and when it comes to the sex part – means seriously rethinking everything you think you know about sex because you’re about to find out about a whole different way to not only do it but to think about it. But I understand why people use the heteronormative way of doing things… because if we don’t know anything else, we know what this is. It’s not that using this model can’t work because it can… but I’m the very bi guy who will tell you that you don’t have to stick to this model if, when you do, you’re not getting the experiences you want and need.

What’s the easiest way to look at this aspect? Well, if you’re asking me – and you didn’t – I look at this aspect in this way: Everyone is fair game but the trick of it all is figuring out who wants to be fair game and the easier you go about figuring this out, the better your chances are for experiencing whatever you want to experience and with the most important caveat: Protect yourself at all times. So many bisexuals – and like most people, really – get all caught up in what they want to do and not of a mind to think about what they can do and this is an important aspect of being bisexual – being aware of the possibilities. You don’t have to do it all if you can’t or don’t want to but, um, okay, if you can and want to, why not? Another important aspect to the doing part is don’t completely buy into the horror stories; just because something went wrong for someone does not mean it’s gonna go wrong for you. I mean, it might and I’m being honest about that but the one thing I see in budding bisexuals is them making up huge laundry lists of what they’re not gonna do and based upon the many horror stories that abound.

Understand that in the doing, you’re going to make mistakes or other errors in judgement; lord knows how many I’ve made in my journey! Understand that it’s not about making a mistake but it what you do so that you don’t repeat that mistake. In the end, how to be bisexual is all about understanding yourself and how you can fit any or all of this into your life. Accept that is how you feel; accept that just because you feel this way doesn’t mean you have to do something about it; be aware of the hype and other bullshit but don’t put a lot of stock or weight into it. Always – always – think first before acting and then don’t overthink it – keep it as simple as your sensibilities will allow you to. The risks are real but preventable and in many of them, your every day common sense will work well for you. Be aware that there are going to be a lot of people who will see you as some kind of immoral freak and you probably already know some folks who will think just that.

How to be bisexual means finding out how you can be bisexual… and no one can tell you this: You have to figure it out for yourself and the hard part is that there is so much that has to be figured out. I will tell you that having the sex is, in fact, easier than trying to figure all of this out and, finally, there’s this:

Whatever fears you have? Find a way to not let them fuck with you… and that ain’t easy at all. A lot of people find that they can’t accept that this is the way they feel because they’re fearful and, usually, over what someone else is going to think and/or say about them. Makes sense… not gonna help you to figure out how to be bisexual. The sex? It’s only going to be as good as you strive to make it and, yep, that first time? Scary as fuck for a lot of newbies and not just because of all the negative hype out there: This is a huge step into the unknown and that’s an understatement. If you become paranoid, you’re hosed; if you make doing stuff hard to do, you’re hosed; if you don’t get off your ass and do whatever you can do to find someone you can be bisexual with, you’re hosed and if you have some very specific kind of person in mind, yeah, you’re probably going to be hosed because the reality says that this “person” may or may not exist.

How to be bisexual? Be yourself. Other than all of this, I really don’t know what to tell you other than the way I learned how to be bisexual was to be… me. I had to learn all of this and more on my own and via trial and error and I think I turned out to be an okay bisexual if I can say so myself. Doing isn’t the hard part: Getting your head around all of this stuff I’ve written is the hard part and the more difficult you make this for yourself, the more difficult being bisexual will be. Is it normal? Yes. Part of human nature and the human condition? Yes. Morally fucked up? Yep, it sure is but our morality is flawed and obviously so since there are bisexuals and despite all those people who insist that we’re not real.

I feel pretty real, by the way. Could I be wrong? Of course I can be… I just don’t think that I am given how much I’ve learned about being bisexual; the reality of it all is out there if you’re able to see it and see it how it really is: It’s being human.

 
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Posted by on 20 January 2021 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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