Yeah… this. Worst than wanting to do some same-sex stuff and not being able to find someone you can do it with: Wanting to do something and current conditions just will not allow it. Being married (or otherwise in a relationship) and, as such, being with someone who does not believe in such things. Things like living in a small town or some other close community where everyone knows everyone else (and knows them well) and everyone appears to be very heterosexual and in all aspects.
For those of you who knows what this feels like, well, you know what it feels like… and to say it doesn’t feel good doesn’t do it any real justice. For those of you who don’t know what this feels like, the closest example I can think of is for you to think about something you really want and need to do and as if your “life depended on it…” and you can’t do it. Or trying to do something you know how to do and no matter what you do, getting it done just escapes you at every turn and trying to get help with it ain’t producing any positive results worth mentioning.
It’s something a lot of bisexuals find themselves dealing with and has them looking for ways to not be frustrated since it can be emotionally disturbing and can cause a lot of unwanted distractions and the bad part is that there’s no absolutely certain way to do anything about the frustration… and telling someone to try not to be so frustrated is seriously a lot easier said than done. The trick of it, if you wanna call it one, is to do your best to contain the frustration but without trying to suppress the source of the frustration; people who try to do this often find out that those feelings just do not go away and, at best, they go hang out in a corner for “brief” moments of time before coming back and letting one know, in no uncertain terms, that they’re still there and they require immediate attention.
Except being able to do that seems to be impossible and more so when one would rather not have everyone they know being aware of the fact that, hmm, you’re not as straight as you appear to be… and as you’re supposed to be… because everyone around you is as straight as they’re supposed to be. Usually, folks experience this level of frustration because they can’t find someone to do stuff with and while they’re concerned about other folks finding out what they’re up to, eh, they’re not all that concerned with it… but there are many, many people who find themselves sitting on the bench and being totally frustrated about not being able to get into the game because of their concerns over what everyone around them is going to think and say about them should they manage to indulge their desires.
Man… talk about being between a rock and a hard place.
A guy asked me if I ever get frustrated when I can’t get any dick and my response was that I get frustrated any time I can’t have sex – period. He asked how I deal with it and I’m sure my response either didn’t make sense to him or didn’t provide the answer he was looking for: I don’t let it bother me; I don’t exactly ignore it because I can’t but I don’t dwell on it and, um, I can always find pleasure in, ah, making myself happy, if you catch my drift. I learned to understand that just because there’s something I wanna do – have sex – that doesn’t mean that I’m always going to be able to make that happen and if I can’t, there’s just nothing I can do about it since I need someone else to make this happen… so, at least for me, it makes no sense to be frustrated over something I don’t have any control over.
Some folks manage to deal with the frustration in this way… and some just can’t and it gets even more frustrating to be frustrated and dealing with that alone is… frustrating. Ya might think that if one really needed to deal with this, well, find a way to go do what you need to do and, yeah, if you gotta hit the DL to facilitate this, you gotta do what you gotta do… and a lot of people do just that… and some people know that they could but, again, if anyone were to find out, that could be a disaster just waiting to happen. Folks who are in a relationship have a worst time than those who aren’t and it remains the worst possible situation to be bisexual and in a relationship… and, yeah, even when you’re in a relationship with someone who is “okay” with your bisexuality. There are rules to relationships and rules that apply whether you’re legally married or not: You just do not ever step outside of the relationship for any reason.
And for some, even if they could do that, there’s still the threat of being outed and exposed and having a lot of people potentially being very upset and disappointed that you’re not as straight as they think you’d better be. The thing I’ve always found interesting is that some of those folks who can be part of the frustration problem may not be all that straight either… but there’s no way to know this and you can’t tell just by looking at them and, most of the time, you can’t even tell when you’re interacting with them since being bisexual is one of those things people tend to keep close to their chests and all that secretive stuff. Is the answer to this coming out?
Oh, fuck no, it isn’t! Many find out that the moment they do this, they are well and truly fucked… and not in a good way. All the ire and “hatred” comes raining down on them so hard as to make the 40 day/40 night flood look like a sprinkle… and just assuming this only adds to one’s growing and persistent frustration. Many find out that even when they come clean about their feelings and it’s been accepted, uh, that doesn’t mean you can now get out there and do something about it… because they’re worried about what everyone else is gonna say about them because you let your bisexual partner go do their thing.
I’m very and well experienced in things bisexual… and even I don’t know what to tell someone who is dealing with this frustration and that, for me, is a bit frustrating but, again, I go out of my way to not be frustrated over anything I can’t do shit about but, yeah, I feel their pain just the same. Again, it’s not as simple as telling someone to do whatever they can to do what they want and need to do since, duh, if the shit goes sideways for them, well, at the most, they’re gonna be pissed with me for saying it and they’re the one who’s gonna wind up dealing with the backlash so, no – I’d rather not say it but that doesn’t mean that there’s no “truth” to it since many have found that if they tempt fate and just do it, their frustration gets taken care of but now they’ve got some other shit – and frustrating shit at that – they might wind up dealing with.
Ya can’t win for losing, huh? And feeling this way is just as frustrating. And if this wasn’t bad and frustration, there’s something I think is even worse: Not having someone you can talk to about the way you’re feeling. So what the hell can one do?
Some people actually mindfuck themselves into believing that they really don’t need to do anything about the way they’re feeling and that works… but doesn’t really work where their body is concerned since there’s not a whole lot anyone can do about how their body is going to react in this. Some people have more of the sex they’re already having but, wait, if they’re not having any sex and in any way that remotely resembles being regular, well, shit. Some folks dive into masturbation and that might work for x-amount of time but, then again, who really wants to be asked, “Why are you spending so much time in the bathroom?” Combine this with the fact that some people aren’t of a mind to get themselves off and, hmm, okay – that’s not working all that well. Some indulge in some pretty interesting fantasies which also tend to aid in the masturbatory effort but while it’s okay to let one’s imagination run wild, it can still be pretty frustrating since, whew, wouldn’t it be nice if you could actually do those thing being fantasized about?
Sadly, what a lot of people wind up doing is… suffering with it. Yes, I’m not going to lie or bullshit you when I say that some folks just say, “Fuck it…” and they go do what they gotta do to take care of this and, yeah, most of the time, they really don’t want to go that route but when I tell you that they do – and because they feel they have no other choice in the matter – this is some real-deal shit because the frustration can go from being irritating and bothersome to being one of those self-preservation moments and I do literally mean that if they don’t do something about it, they are going to lose their minds… and some folks do in some way. They become depressed and moody; are often – or more often – prone to bouts of anger and the whole thing gets compounded when those around them notice this very major change in their behavior and asks the one question that should be asked… but shouldn’t: What’s wrong with you?
The usual answer is, “Nothing.” Or, “I just got some shit on my mind that I’m trying to deal with.” And giving someone those kinds of answers tends to generate even more questions, oh, like, “What’s bothering you so much that you gotta be acting the way you’ve been acting?” or, yeah, telling them that nothing’s wrong just isn’t going to be believed. If you don’t say what’s really bothering you, that’s yet another problem since whoever asked won’t be all that likely to leave it alone… but if you do answer it, that’s gonna be a problem to add on to the one that already exists.
And I know that it doesn’t help anyone for me to say that going through this is actually pretty normal. The no bullshit thing I will say is that this can really get to be a self-preservation moment for someone and, as such, they will throw caution to the wind and literally save themselves… since no one is is likely to be of a mind to assist in the saving. And the truly bad part is that I’ve seen folks fall so deep into pits of despair about this that they wind up trashing a lot of things in their lives from friendships to relationships; heavy drug and alcohol use isn’t unusual and, yeah, some people do take that step to just end it all.
I don’t know about anyone else, but I wonder if our morality is so important that we will allow someone to be in such deep shit or otherwise discomfited. Do we really and truly care that much about our own sensibilities and beliefs that we’d let someone we know – and even someone we care for – be in such a disturbing situation? The ugly truth is, yes: That’s exactly what we’d do and because our morality says that this is what has to be done. Which is why so many people say to themselves, “Fuck morality…” and do whatever they gotta do to end this very bothersome frustration and the loss of friends, family, and even relationships is deemed to be an affordable cost when the greater loss is to wind up losing themselves. And, again, the fucked up part is that if someone is one the verge of losing themselves, well, that’s their problem and not ours.
A guy had asked me, “What would you do if you found out your woman wanted to be with another woman?” and I said, “I’d tell her to go for it – why wouldn’t I?” Of course, he went on and on about how that should never be allowed and all that crap and I said to him that it’s easy for him to say that… because he’s not the one living with her and not being subjected to all that bad shit going on with her because she can’t do the thing she needs to do to be better with herself.
Another guy had asked what I would do if I found out that my best friend not only liked having sex with men but wanted to with me… and I said, “We can talk about it and I might even say yes… because what are friends for?” The guy didn’t understand that… but, then again, how could he? Unlike me, he had no idea how, say, two friends blowing each other can have greater implications than just being able to bust a nut. Is the answer for a guy in this situation to just go get some pussy and everything will be okay? Uh, um, not always because even I’ve gotten all the pussy I could want… and I still crave having a dick in my mouth and, yep, it’s pretty frustrating not to be able to deal with that craving when it needs to be dealt with.
Being so enslaved to our morality doesn’t help a damned thing when it comes to being bisexual and dealing with the frustrations that are involved and, yeah, we believe it to the point that we’d let someone we love fall into that pit of great despair… and leave them there. We will dutifully rake them over the coals if they dare to do what they need to do so that they can be okay with themselves and many people cannot and will not ever accept that you did this… unholy and immoral thing to save both your sanity and your very life.
Which is, again, why a lot of people decide that the only real way to deal with this level of frustration is to just do it… and deal with the consequences of their actions later. For those feeling it, it truly feels like a no-win situation and an inescapable one; it makes people wish they never had these feelings and – get this – they’d do just about anything to get rid of them… except to do the one thing that would make them feel better… because our morality doesn’t allow it.