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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Sorry, Not Sorry

19 Feb

I was taught and raised to be mindful of how other people feel. that it just wasn’t right to hurt their feelings. It was a sentiment that, on the one hand, made sense but on the other, not one that ‘everyone’ held true and dear and would often cause a bit of a quandary at times when someone would hurt my feelings and be unapologetic about it like them finding out that I wasn’t straight and, not only that, but I went both ways.

Homophobia was really bad back in the day; bisexuality wasn’t that big of a deal, not because it wasn’t real but polite society had all of their attention focused upon homosexuals and I’d have to say and allow that people were pretty stupid back then – and just as they are today – because they didn’t know, understand, or even care that homosexuality and bisexuality were – are – two different things.

It was bad enough to wind up losing friends and other associates but the thing that began to pluck my last good nerve was those folks who were so offended by my sexuality that they felt that I owed them an apology for upsetting their sensibilities… and, like a dummy, I’d apologize for hurting their feelings but over time, got it into my head that I owed them no apology because when they’d hurt my feelings, no apology for that affront would be forthcoming.

I think I was either 16 or 17 when I decided that I wasn’t apologizing anymore. Sure, I’m sorry you feel that way but I’m not apologizing for being what I am so if you don’t like it, you just don’t like it. There was a period of time when I’d have these conversations with people and to say they weren’t pretty is yet another gross understatement. They’d ask if I felt bad about having sex with males and if I didn’t, I should feel horribly bad… for not being the way they thought I was or should be; I’d tell them that as far as I was concerned, I didn’t see a reason to feel badly about something that I not only wanted to do but liked doing and, yep, if they weren’t upset before, that statement would really make them feel some kind of way.

One guy said – and with much anger in his voice – that he didn’t understand why I’d want to be a homo when there were so many women ready and willing to have sex… and I upset his feelings even more when I said, “You’re stupid, aren’t you? I’m not a homo – I’m bisexual. Men and women and not just men and not just women.”

Yep, that didn’t sit well with him and caused him to say, “If you have sex with dudes, you’re a faggot!”

I said, “Yeah… and you’re still an idiot; didn’t you hear what I just said about men and women? Look, clearly your feelings are hurt and all that but before we got to talking about this, we were cool… and the thing you don’t seem to understand yet is that I’m still the same person and the only thing that’s changed in the last few minutes is that you now know something about me that you didn’t know ten minutes ago. And now you’re all hurt and offended and over something that doesn’t have a damned thing to do with you.”

“You don’t care that my feelings are hurt,” he said.

:You didn’t care about my feelings when you were saying all that awful shit you just said to me, did you?” I fired back. “If you don’t give a fuck, I don’t see why I should give a fuck.”

I was taught and raised to treat people the way you wanted to be treated; the more, um, religiously fervent folks would always talk about turning the other cheek… but in the real of things? You turn the other cheek… and get that one bitch-slapped, too; you learn, whether you like it or not, to take “Do unto others as they would do unto you” to an ‘extreme’ place; you get your feelings hurt because I’m not what you think I am or should be and give me some shit about it, don’t be surprised when I give that shit right back to you. I’m sorry if your feelings are hurt… but not really and, besides, you started this argument… and if you get even more pissed off at how I finish it, well, you started it.

I had found myself saying something like this to someone else and they were livid and so much that while they ranted and raved, I was quietly preparing to defend myself; I didn’t always wind up in a physical altercation but, yeah, sometimes, I did and I’m quite unapologetic when I say that maybe you should have rethought taking a swing at someone who is well-trained in the martial arts – just saying. They had said, “You just don’t give a fuck about the way this makes me feel, do you?”

“Why should I? Did you give a fuck about how you made me feel with what you said?” I asked.

“I can say whatever the fuck I wanna say!” came the response.

“True enough… but if you thought I was just gonna stand here and take that shit, well, surprise, huh?” I asked. “Before we got into this bullshit, we were cool and now we aren’t and all because you don’t like the way I like to have sex so, no – you don’t get to tell me shit about that – no one does; if you don’t like it, all you can do is not like it.”

I was told that this was some cold-blooded shit… and, frankly, Scarlett, I don’t give a damn. I didn’t give a damn way back then… an I don’t give a damn in the here and now. If/when someone gets their feelings and/or sensibilities hurt because I’m bisexual, I am sorry that they feel the way they do… and not so much. I’m sorry that you’re shocked, hurt, or whatever when you ask me if I feel any shame over sleeping with men and I tell you that, nope – I sure don’t and why should I? I’m sorry that you get even more shocked when you start preaching that Old Testament bullshit to me and like I didn’t know it already… and not in the least bit sorry when I tell you that it’s not my fault that you believe in some shit that ain’t as true as you think it is.

Biphobia… what a crock of shit and an even bigger one that homophobia was and is. Having that irrational fear over something that, ten out of ten times, doesn’t have a damned thing to do with you and if you think it does, well, get over yourself. I believe that people believe biphobia is a real thing but, um, if you think that bisexuality isn’t a real thing, how does having biphobia work when you’re being phobic over something you think isn’t real? Then you get all fucked up in the head because you just found out that, oh, no – bisexuality is real and now you’re afraid that every fucking bisexual in the whole fucking world is now looking to seduce you and have much carnal knowledge of you…

Get over yourself; you’re probably not that interesting or appealing. One of the reasons the whole coming out thing winds up hurting people’s feelings and makes them fearful is that once you tell them, figure it out, or ask a question they learn that they really didn’t want to hear the answer to, they think it’s about them and you’re gonna try to jump their bones. Oooh… those scary bisexuals are out to get you! I find it to be… upsetting to sit back and watch biphobia running rampant in folks… and it seems to be more contagious than COVID-19 is. COVID-19 is some very real shit and so is bisexuality… but if you get your panties in a bunch and get to feeling some kind of way about it, well, I’m sorry you feel that way… and not even really sorry that you’re very upset about something that you don’t understand.

I’m sorry but I’m not gonna feel all that sorry just because you feel some kind of way and to the point where you don’t even know the difference between homo- and bisexuality… and if I explain it to you and you’re still all hurt and dismayed, yeah, I’m sorry that you’re feeling like that but, yeah, not all that sorry; I’m just not really going to apologize for being something that bothers you because, to be honest, there’s nothing I can do about the way I am and, important to me, nothing that I’m going to do just to make you feel all warm and fuzzy… and more so when making you feel good is very likely to make me not feel good.

The thing that I’m really and truly sorry about is that there’s nothing I can do or say about what you believe. I know that in your mind, you know and think that you’re right… and I know that you aren’t since I also know that the stuff you might say to me is going to be just a different version of the shit I’ve been hearing all along. Some of it barely based in fact, much of it not all that factual and, sadly, it’s clear that you don’t get it because you’re giving me shit about being bisexual and only looking at the part where I’m getting busy with other men or, if you’re trying to look at both sides, you’re looking at the heterosexual side of me in a way that’s not as accurate as you believe it is.

I just find it hard to be apologetic or sorry because the world doesn’t work the way you think it should when it comes to these things. Now, I’m not insensitive nor do I lack compassion but when you get in my face about it and go off the rails, well, there’s only so much of the dumb shit I’m going to politely listen to so when you get to the part where your feelings are hurt because I’m something you don’t believe in, damn you… if you think your feelings are hurt now, you’re about to find out how badly you’ve hurt my feelings and I’m sure you’re not gonna like it… and no more than I liked what you said to me.

When you’re bisexual, you learn to grow your skin extra-thick; you learn that there are times when you have to deal with passionate cluelessness with cold-blooded responses; it goes against what I was taught and I don’t like having to step off in someone’s ass over their bi- or homophobia but if I have to, I’m not going to be all that sorry about it. I dislike conflict and arguing and I dislike people who aren’t like me trying to tell me how they think I should be or going on and on like they know more about being bisexual than I do. It really does kinda hurt my feelings (nah, not really) to see, watch, or listen to people putting their ignorance on display and, again. over something that they don’t understand and because they continue to believe in something that just isn’t as true as it’s said to be.

Sorry, not sorry. When I actually hear people ranting and raving against bisexuality, it really does hurt my feelings but there are many times when I’m quite amused… because they have no idea that they’re ranting and raving over male bisexuality… and I’m one of the people they’re ranting and raving about… and they have no idea that I am. I have learned to not feel sorry or apologetic for someone else’s cluelessness and if there’s any shame to be felt on my part, it’s that it shames me that you actually believe that crap that’s coming out of your mouth. I kinda/sorta hate to tell folks a truth that just might hurt their feelings even more:

What you believe and what you think you know is never, ever, going to change what I am and if that makes you even more upset, I might even say that I’m so sorry that you are… and very likely that I don’t mean a word of it but, yeah, sometimes I do, depending on who I’m talking to… but being genuinely sorry about upsetting you still isn’t going to change the way I am. I could… but I don’t want to and it doesn’t make a lot of sense to me to not be the way I am because it upsets you. I know that no matter what I say in defense of myself, it’s not going to change the way you feel because you will keep thinking that you’re right about this because this is something you don’t believe in and probably believe that no one should be the way I am.

Not my problem… and you’d do well to not make it my problem. In my older age, I find myself being… less polite about it. Sure, we can talk about it all you want to but the moment you make it personal? When you start telling me how you’re feeling some kind of way about my being bisexual? I’m going to be sorry – and not so much – about how I’m going to respond to that… and I will guarantee that you’re not going to like it. You feel hurt, betrayed, whatever, and you saw fit to say something to me about it and not only make it all about you but, yeah – hurting my feelings in the process… and I don’t believe in turning the other cheeks. At best, we can agree to disagree on the matter and if we part company, then it is what it is and, how about that? I just might feel sorry that things came to this point but there is a reason I tell people to never, ever, ask me questions that they don’t want to hear the answers to. If it upsets you that I suck dick and the other things two guys can do to, for, and with each other, yeah, sorry about that… but not sorry.

I just might be sorry that you can’t understand why I am the way I am but, again, in my older age – or, perhaps a bit more accurately – for a very long time now, I finding myself not caring if you don’t understand it. The really fucked up part is that before all of this came out, we were cool or otherwise okay with each other… but now you know this about me and, at least for you, it changes everything… and I’m the one who will, if I choose to, take you to task about how silly you’re being about it and even more so when, if you happen to be a dude, you have it in your head that I want to have sex with you. Again, don’t flatter yourself; if that was the case, I would have asked you if I could get some of that dick since I have no shame in my game at all.

Ladies? Okay, I’m not what you think I am or should be – nothing I can do about that. It’s not that I don’t understand why my being bisexual is upsetting you but, I hate to tell you that what I am has nothing to do with you. I know I can talk about why I am the way I am until I wear myself out and despite explaining it the best and simplest way I can manage it, chances are good that you are going to remain so very upset about how unfair and fucked up it makes you feel and I am sorry you feel that way… and not so much. If I explain that, for one, I’ve always been this way and that my being this way didn’t have shit to do with how I feel about you – and especially if we’ve been having sex – and you ain’t feeling any of it, yeah, I’m not gonna be all that sorry. If you think my being bisexual has anything to do with you, shit – I can’t feel sorry for you about your inability to take what I’ve said as the gospel truth of how I feel. I’m not going to feel all that sorry to listen to you losing your mind over the fact that I suck dick and I tell you that I suck dick for a lot of the reasons why you suck dick – and your emotional state isn’t going to allow you to see or accept that we have a lot more in common than you think we do and more so when, yep – I also know what it’s like to be fucked.

Sorry that you can’t understand it and that it’s fucking with you… and not all that much because I know – even if you don’t – that there’s not one damned thing I can do about what you – or anyone else – believes. You have an irrational fear of bisexuals and bisexual males specifically? I get it and I really do… and I’m not all that sorry that you don’t get it; I’m sorry that you can’t see what I’m seeing, that, again, we were all nice and cool with each other – before you found this out about me – and now we aren’t and I can be sorry that you can’t look at this the way I’ve learned to look at it…

And not all that sorry. If you’re feelings are hurt, well, you hurt the shit out of my feelings and if you’re not sorry that you hurt my feelings, do you really believe that I’m going to be sorry for hurting yours and more so when I know – and even if you still don’t -that things didn’t have to happen like that but, yep, you went there and I’m not going to let you spaz out on me in any old way you feel like and not do some spazzing of my own; I’m too old for that shit; I’m not turning the other cheeks; if you start some shit with me about the way I am, I will finish it and won’t feel sorry about having to do it.

I prefer not to be in this fucked up situation to begin with but I’m not going to be sorry or ashamed or apologetic for being what I am and what I’ve always been. Biphobia? Oh, please, do me a favor and not insult my intelligence – and that goes for those folks who believe that if you don’t recognize biphobia as a clear and present danger to all bisexuals, you’re part of the problem and not being part of the solution. Truth is, I feel sorry that you actually believe that biphobia is a problem since I know – and, again even if you don’t – that this, along with homophobia, has never stopped anyone from being bisexual. And it never will. I dunno… maybe it’s just me but the way to combat biphobia is to not buy into it and, most assuredly, do not believe what biphobics are saying since, um, if you’re bisexual, do you not already know that what they’re having hissy fits about isn’t true?

And this, all by itself, is the one thing I do feel sorry about: Bisexuals believing what other people are saying about bisexuality not being real and that we’re really gay and in denial along with bisexuals being an existential threat to all of humanity. Are you really and seriously fucking kidding me? There are a slew of bisexuality advocates going to war against the non-believers and it’s a very sad and sorry thing to see to be arguing over something that we, as bisexuals, know to be true and trying to convince those who believe otherwise that we are the real deal. We know that we are… do we have to prove it? I’m sorry that so many of us feel that we have to but for myself? Not sorry at all. Let me get this straight: I’m supposed to be afraid of something that someone else is afraid of… and when I’m the thing they’re afraid of? Not only bisexual but a man, to boot?

I am never, ever gonna be sorry about not paying any attention to this nonsense. If you don’t like that I’m bisexual and it makes you feel some kind of way and not in a good way, yeah, that’s pretty sucky… but I’m sorry but not sorry about that.

 
2 Comments

Posted by on 19 February 2021 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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2 responses to “Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Sorry, Not Sorry

  1. naughty nora

    19 February 2021 at 18:28

    I think it is AMAZING that you were only 16 or 17 when you decided not to apologize anymore, my friend! You had a lot of guts, even way back then 🙂

    Like

     
    • kdaddy23

      19 February 2021 at 18:32

      I don’t know about guts but it didn’t make sense to me; apologizing for being bi changes nothing; it can’t negate what’s already been experienced and it’s me apologizing for being… myself. You hurt my feelings with your great dislike… and I’m supposed to apologize? Yeah, wasn’t gonna do that anymore and I was smart enough to really understand this.

      Liked by 1 person

       

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