Way before being transgendered came onto the scene, I would often find myself running into guys who, when asking The Question, would sometimes explain their request in the way the title of this scribble appears. I think I was maybe 12 or 13 the very first time I heard a guy say thing and to say that it confused me is yet another great understatement.
I knew what he meant… partially. It doesn’t take having a doctorate’s degree in human sexuality to know that when guys have sex with each other, it includes stuff that is only supposed to be done by women – sucking dick and getting fucked. But as his explanation bounced around inside my head, I somehow just knew that what he said wasn’t just about the two of us having sex. I remember how red his face got when I asked him if he was gay and he nodded and said that he’d always known that he liked boys more than girls; he talked about his male peers razzing and sometimes bullying him because he’d spend a lot of time hanging out with girls… but with no intention of having sex with them or otherwise being intimate, like kissing a girl.
He did tell me that he did kiss a girl once… and he just didn’t like it but the first time he kissed a boy, “All kinds of explosions went off inside of me!” I was thinking that, well, if he had kissed a boy already, he must be doing other stuff – and I was wrong about that and got yet another lesson about not assuming anything when he said – and his face got even redder – that he’d been waiting for a long time for another boy to make him feel like a girl by having sex with him… and could I help him with this?
I honestly didn’t know what to say; this was a new situation for me. I was used to running into gay dudes and having sex with them but they were already well-versed in this but now I found myself sitting with an admittedly gay guy who hadn’t had sex with a guy yet. I think he took my silence as a rejection because he derailed my thought train by saying, “If you don’t want to, that’s okay – I understand.”
“It’s not that – I’m just a little confused,” I said – and because I really was confused. Cute guy and all that and with a smile that could light up the darkest of rooms and part of my confusion was centered on why none of the guys in his neck of the woods hadn’t done it to him already and more so when he admitted that he’d been trying for a couple of years at that point. That I understood all too well; a whole lot of guys didn’t even want to go there because “everyone” knew that if you did it to another boy, you were gonna turn into a queer faggot and you might even turn into one just thinking about it.
And, yes, there are guys today who still believe this…
This wasn’t just two guys wanting to do it because both were horny; there was much more to this. I knew that this was very important to him even if I didn’t know exactly why it was; it would be a whole lot of years later when I’d get to understand that this moment for him would be the defining moment of his life and his sexuality. My mind, at the time, was kinda out to lunch about the whole “feeling like a girl” thing and its “obvious” deeper meaning but it settled down enough for me to say to him, “If it’s that important to you, okay…”
Before we got undressed, he was somewhat shy and quiet but once we got undressed, he seemed to come alive. He had asked, “So a girl would suck your cock, right?” and I had kinda shrugged and allowed that, yeah, those who liked doing it would do it… and then he went down on me and, later in life when I’d think back about that exact moment, the thought of “creating a monster” would automatically pop into my head. I’d had my dick sucked by a lot of guys… but never like the way he did it. It wasn’t about technique or skill; it was pure, unadulterated desire that was driving him and it was intense… and enough that for one of the rare moments in my bisexual life, I was trying to get away from him. He made me cum so fast and hard that I was literally seeing stars in my head and it was so disturbingly good that I hadn’t been aware that he had stopped sucking me – I was too busy feeling… embarrassed at how I was still squirming and thrashing about on his bed.
“Did I do it right?” he asked – and all I could do was nod. I was getting my act back together, saw that his cock – which was absolutely beautiful in my eyes – was at full attention and gave it the attention it deserved. Sure… it wasn’t “eating pussy” in that sense but you wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference in the way he reacted to having his dick sucked and to the point where I literally had to hold him down. When he came, oh, wow, did he ever! As I swallowed, I was wondering if he was going to stop but eventually he did… and the look he had on his face was one I will never forget; to say he was glowing doesn’t do it any real justice.
“Will you fuck me now?” he asked and there was so much… need in his eyes that just thinking about not fucking him made me feel like the worst asshole who ever lived; I mean, how could I not fuck him? Got everything prepared and habit made me ask him if he was ready… and the way he said, “I’ve been ready for this all of my life…” made my head swim dizzily. I entered him and he wrapped his arms and legs around me so tightly that I was having a bit of a hard time breathing.
“Just be still for a moment,” he said into my ear and I stayed still; I raised my head enough for me to look at him and I saw that his eyes were closed and his smile – that very lovely smile – was “blinding.” We stayed like that for a very long moment before he opened his eyes and said, “Now. Do it now. Make me be.”
I’d screwed my fair share of guys… and it was never like this before. If I had any question about him really being gay, the way he was reacting erased any doubts in my mind. Even the more, ah, girly gay guys I’d screwed didn’t react the way he did and if I didn’t know that he had a dick, I would have sworn on a huge stack of bibles that he was a girl and then even more responsive than most girls I’d had sex with.
It would be a great many years later when I’d run into another gay man who behaved in this exact same way and the only guy I’ve ever fallen in love with.
I came so hard that it made my butthole hurt; I felt almost the same way I did the first time I actually shot sperm; I wasn’t “dying” but it sure felt like it. He was saying, “Oh, my god, I can feel it…” and don’t even ask me to describe the look he had on his face… because I’ve never been able to. I don’t know which one of us enjoyed that moment the most… but I was sure it wasn’t me. I was about to withdraw when he said, “No – don’t. Stay where you are; I need you to stay in me!”
Never had a guy tell me that before but I stayed put. It felt… good but weird when he planted a kiss on my lips first – then kissed my face. We’re looking into each other’s eyes and it felt very weird for me not to think that this was a guy even though I knew he was. There was just nothing for either of us to say and it didn’t take long before we both felt my dick getting hard again inside of him.
“Yes… I was hoping for this,” he said. “Do it to me, just do it to me; make me feel like a girl again…”
I can’t really explain how I felt, I mean, beyond being totally and completely drained. This was much, much more than just having sex for him and, again, much later, I’d understand that this was the moment he became the girl he so very much wanted to be. My confusion was evident since this was outside of my experiences to date; sure, there had been a lot of guys who wanted to do it with a guy… but not for this reason. I didn’t understand it but knowing that I was able to make him feel the way he needed to feel make me feel good enough for, um, something to get in my eyes to make them water.
You know how that can be sometimes, right?
We got cleaned up but because he had said that we had some time before his parents came home, we didn’t bother to get dressed right away. I was feeling some kind of way to find myself holding him in my arms and just listening to him telling me how whole and complete he now felt and something was in my eyes again for a moment. If I hadn’t known that doing it to a guy meant a hell of a lot more than just being horny and wanting to do it like this before – and I hadn’t known – I knew it now even if, again, I didn’t really understand it.
Later, I’d run into other guys who’d tell me that they wanted to feel like a woman. I’d come to understand that for them it was the moment that defined and confirmed their gayness; I’d come to better understand that moment when something like this happens… and you know this is your destiny or this is the way you are meant to be and it’s all very real. And to be a part of that moment? Beyond priceless and more meaningful, at least to me, than giving a guy his first experience with dick because he was either overly curious or so horny enough that getting some dick for the first time was the only viable answer to solve what could turn into a very painful “question.”
I could better understand why so many guys I knew of tended to wonder what it was like to be “the girl;” to suck dick and, if brave enough, to be fucked and more so since, uh, I never had reason to wonder about those things; I saw the importance in understanding this through another guy’s “eyes,” as it were. There’s curiosity being taken care of; there’s being able to bust a nut because it has to be busted… and then there is… becoming the person you know you’re meant to be and, as such, hearing a guy telling me that he need to be made to feel like a woman? I was able to understand it and, kinda embarrassing, it’s something that I actually knew already… but not in the context of being male and gay. I very well knew that “girly” feeling I’d get when sucking a guy’s cock or being beneath him and feeling his dick in my ass and, oh, yeah, feeling it pumping sperm into me and just like, well, like I was a girl.
It’s a pretty fucked up feeling until you get used to it and a lot of guys might want to have sex with another guy but they won’t… because it really is too much like being a girl in that sense… and guys aren’t supposed to feel like that… and it’s a lie. It was, again, kinda embarrassing to realize that I did already know what it felt like to be a woman in this and even more so to realize that with this one guy? I hadn’t recognized it because I had never had a guy say that to me before.
I very much remember seeing him the next day – and as we had agreed to. Oh, my – he was so bubbly that I couldn’t stop myself from laughing at how animated he was. I was actually embarrassed to hear all the praise he was heaping on me for being able to finally make him feel the way he always knew he needed to feel. In a way and in my mind, I didn’t really “do” anything but, again, I knew that I had at the same time and, once more, it took me quite a while to connect all of the dots. We got into it again – and as also agreed – and it was so comfortable, not because it was something I was already so very used to but because it was a major change in him.
“I’m finally the way I need to be,” he had said after our third time. “I chose you because I just knew you’d understand.”
“I can’t say that I really do,” I had admitted. “Well, I do but not really – did that make sense?”
He laughed and said, “I know you’re not gay but I also somehow knew that you’d know what to do to make me feel the way I’ve always wanted to feel and I can’t thank you enough for that.”
I’m sure he could see how much I was blushing and maybe could pick up on how totally embarrassed I was to hear him say that… but he didn’t say anything about it… but he did laugh at me just the same.
It’s pivotal moments like this that can mean so much; to think and even question if what one is feeling in this regard is as real as it feels… then to find out that, yep, this is how I want to feel, that doing one of the most prohibited things ever is the one thing that closes the circle and doing so makes one feel whole and complete. And by helping him realize his true self, I learned some shit about myself; I was made to “go back” and think about my own feelings of wholeness and completeness and sense of freedom every time I got naked with a guy. I knew I had no real desire to be a woman in that sense… but I was made to remember what it feels like and something that over time and all that, I just stopped paying attention to.
I tend to laugh at Cityman whenever he tells me about feeling “bitchy” and “girly” and how much it bothers him… and, of course, I know exactly what that feels like and how bothersome it can be. I tell him that, for one, the feeling is never going to go away – it just is what it is – and the best thing to do is to not be disturbed by it because, duh, you know good and damned well you’re not a girl so embrace the feeling… and, nope, it’s not easy to do. He had asked how I managed to embrace it and I said that to me, it was like I had no choice but to embrace it; it was either that or always be disturbed by the feeling and once I stopped paying attention to it, it just stopped bothering me. I still feel it but I learned to revel in it and, probably, more so when first, guys aren’t supposed to enjoy feeling this way and, second, I’m not gay and, even third, I’m a sexual nonconformist and rebel so enjoying feeling like a girl, to me, is a nice big thumb in the eye to all of those who believe – and continues to believe – that guys have no reason to feel this way and enjoy the fuck out of it.
Because, really: If you’re not going to enjoy the fuck out of it, why bother at all?