Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Training Wheels

04 May

One of the first things and among the many things I heard about “those crazy switch-hitters” was that they went around screwing every- and anything above room temperature. The word was that if you ran into some like this, they were gonna do their best to have sex with you and if you were a guy, you were gonna get turned into a sissy or a very swishy, limp-wristed faggot. It was bad enough that homophobia was “all the rage” and, as such, just standing next to a guy, well, you could feel the nervous energy flowing off of him and his anxiety trying to figure out how to move further away without being too obvious about creating some space.

Still, a lot of guys wanted to know what it was like to have sex with a man and sometimes simply because guys knew what gay men were into and, as many would say, they couldn’t figure out what was so attractive and sexy about it; I’d hear a lot of guys say, “I don’t know why some dude would want to suck another dude’s dick!” – and it would be all I could do not to either laugh or shake my head in sadness to see that they were incapable of making the rather obvious connection. When I’d find myself having The Conversation with a curious kind of guy, the next thing I knew I could expect would come in the form of a question: “How do you do that?”

You might be smiling or even laughing but it’s not a joke and, at least for now, I’m not trying to be funny. If they didn’t ask how to do a thing, they’d ask what they should do… and now it was time to get into the part of the conversation covering baby steps. One of the things I had observed and experienced were guys thinking or believing that diving right in and doing it all was (1) the thing to do and (2) it was easy, only to get disabused and sometimes traumatized to some degree and more so in the situations where a guy would admit he’d never done it like this and it was his first time… and the guy he was talking to pretty much put him through the wringer with all that could be done instead of suggesting that, um, hmm, you know, you might want to start off easy instead of jumping right to having a dick in your ass.

A guy would ask me, “What should I do?” and having heard so many horror stories from other guys, I’d tell them that the best way to proceed is to start with the little things before graduating to the bigger things and beginning with being comfortable with being naked with another man. You might think that this should be a no-brainer and more so when, in school, we had gym together and shared a locker room and even shared a shower room so why wouldn’t a guy be comfortable? It’s different; being naked in the shower room with a bunch of guys isn’t the same as being naked with a guy and you’re about to try to have sex with him. The rampant homophobia played a huge role in ramping up a guy’s sense of modesty and if you could see how many guys would be in the shower after gym – and trying to hide themselves – well, you get the idea.

Once a guy could get comfortable with being naked with another guy, the next thing to get comfortable with is simply touching and being touched… and I’m not even talking about touching each other’s dick at this point. I remember reading, a long time ago, that we wear clothes as a kind of armor and to protect our nakedness… and not just from the elements. Being naked in front of someone can make one feel very vulnerable and can be, in a sexual context, quite scary; touching a guy on his arm is enough to make him break every standing high jump record known to mankind. I’m not necessarily talking about kissing and cuddling but I’ve found it can be… calming just to hold the guy in my arms and nothing more than that since, for a lot of guys, being naked and that close to another guy can be daunting, to be nice about it and even more so if they’ve never been all that comfortable being naked.

Just being close and touching each other is, I think, an important baby step and one that will lend itself to eventually reaching down and touching each other’s cock and balls. Even that’s not a no-brainer of sorts and if you happened to think that touching another guy’s junk is easy – and because you’ve spent some time touching your own – well, no – not always. At this point, I have to back up just a little bit because I realized that I left something out of sequence: A big baby step is to just pull your dick out and start jerking off and with the other guy doing the same thing and you don’t even need to take your clothes off… but I’d advise it. Just seeing another guy’s dick and watching him do something that you also do can go a long way to gaining the comfort that’s needed to do anything else… but making yourself watch what he’s doing can get interesting because of the ancient prohibitions about looking at another man’s body to begin with.

From there, jerking each other off is next baby step… and having another guy’s dick in your hand is probably one of the strangest things a first timer can experience when putting on the training wheels. I don’t know too many of us who hasn’t been with a friend in younger days and playing “Show me” and it didn’t, at some point, get to the, “Can I touch it?” part but, yeah, some guys never experienced this so to find yourself sitting close to another guy and you both are touching each other’s dick, yep, that can be unsettling but after the first touches, it’s not that difficult to get used to. While some guys get to this step and go no further – a boatload of reason why they don’t – now comes the really hard part: When mouth meets dick. With the exception of any guy who has never had his dick sucked, you’d think that those who had wouldn’t feel some kind of way about having a guy’s mouth around his dick… and they do… because it’s another guy.

It can be a polarizing moment and can also get pretty embarrassing and in those situations, that’s usually enough to make a guy not want to experience any of this at all; I can’t begin to count the number of times I’ve lowered my head to a guy’s cock… and got shot in the face. Or the other guy is so nervous that he can’t even get hard and that, in particular, is something some guys are very much afraid of, which is why it’s important to get him to relax and breathe and, closing his eyes also works. But, as I’ve written many, many times, having a guy sucking on your dick is one thing… and a whole different animal to attempt to suck his and even when a guy is of a mind that, yeah, he can do this. In my opinion, it is the moment of truth to end all moments of truth and while a lot of guys really do say, “Fuck it!” and go for it, many more have said, “Fuck it… I can’t do this!”

Yeah, it’s not that easy.

The biggest part of putting on a guy’s training wheels doesn’t have anything to do with having sex: It’s talking to him because in order to have sex with him, you have to get past everything he’s been taught, told, and/or believes about this and that’s not even close to being easy and no matter how eager he might be to find out about this. And then, talking to him truthfully and with huge helpings of reality; you have to address his fears and concerns and, even more difficult, taking all of the horror stories he’s probably heard and putting them into perspective. Yes, sometimes, this can go very wrong and I’m not gonna lie to you about that… but I also know how to not make things go wrong and I’ll tell you what I’ve learned. And the most important thing to talk about is: You can stop whenever you want to and without fear of reprisal. There is no pressure to do this and if you can’t or don’t want to, just don’t; this is how the horror stories are born. And you gotta know that if the two of us aren’t going to do anything – and, perhaps, you have someone else in mind – take it to heart that there’s a good chance he’s not going to explain it to you like I’ve been explaining it.

Yeah… a kind of peer pressure does play into this and some guys looking to take a new guy’s cherry in this aren’t so much thinking about the very scared new guy and, I found, forgetting the they, too, had a first time. It’s important to explain, while the training wheels are being installed, that none of this has anything to do with being manly or lacking manliness; guys have been having sex with each other since time immemorial and, no, just because you want to doesn’t ever mean that if you do, you’re going to turn into a gay guy.

Yes – that is a very real concern and one that has to be dealt with. There is so much that goes into a guy putting on his training wheels and more so when this is one of those moments where you really and truly learn that thinking and doing are not the same things. It’s okay to be afraid; it’s okay to be uncertain or to have your confidence take a hike and I will tell you that it’s not as easy as some folks think it is, from just being naked with a guy to actually having sex… and one should never, ever, rush into this. Now, what about the guys who’ve watched gay porn?

Oh, my. I’ve found myself explaining that, yes, if you watch it, you can see pretty much everything two guys can do with and to each other… just don’t get it into your head that because they’re making something look exciting and easy than it really is so I think that the best thing to do is to kinda forget whatever you’ve seen porn stars doing; they’re used to doing things (and get paid for it) and you aren’t; if you see a guy on the screen gulp down a big fat dick, he’s had a lot of practice and experience doing that. Yes, it’s a nice skill to learn… but the first thing you need to learn is whether or not you can put your mouth on another guy’s dick. Don’t even concern yourself with acquiring the taste at this point; taking baby steps with your training wheels firmly attached is still the best way to approach any of this.

Oh… and don’t expect anything other than what might really happen. I’ve found that a lot of guys really screw themselves up because they have a preconceived set of expectations and when they don’t manifest themselves, holy shit. Trying to get a guy to get this out of their head – but also allaying any fears and concerns they have – requires a great deal of patience… and feeding them a lot of crap isn’t going to help them one bit. Does sperm taste nasty? Yes, it can and the way it can feel in your mouth is something else to get used to. But, you don’t have to allow it in your mouth and if you do, you don’t have to swallow it. I’ve had guys ask about this and there’s not that many other things that is… relatable or comparable except brushing your teeth and, believe it or not, having a mouth full of toothpaste and especially the foamy kind. Not really like the real thing but close enough to get an idea; just know that another guy’s spunk isn’t going to taste like Crest or Colgate.

The very and biggest part of any of this is making the decision to put your training wheels on. Wanting to experience it is all well and good… but you also have to think about how it’s going to impact your life and whether you do something or not, which is why one of the first things I impress on a guy is that if you do this, it’s going to change your life… forever… and whether you succeed or fail. My job is to make sure you do not fail… but with the understanding that just like anything else in sex, you’re not always going to get it right and neither is the other guy.

None of this is as “easy” as getting dicks out, making them hard, and making them soft and messy. The only way you’re ever going to find out if this is right or wrong for you is to do it and then you should think – and pardon the pun – long and hard about it. I’ve told guys, “I can tell you everything I know about this and I’m not going to bullshit you or sugar coat any of it; I can tell you what guys I’ve given their first time to has said and experienced and while you may find that helpful, just know that your own experience, if you choose to have it, can be different and might not be what you expected.

One guy asked, “Why am I getting the impression that you’re trying to talk me out of this?”

Because I actually am trying to do just that… and because I know first-hand how any and all of this can, has, and will go wrong. It’s better to take those baby steps with training wheels on than it is to dive right in and find out that you’re now in way over your head and there is absolutely no shame in taking your time with this. There is no shame in chickening out and don’t let anyone convince you that there is. The hard truth is that some guys take to this like the proverbial duck to water… and some guys just can’t. The truth is that it can take a guy a few times, with fits and starts, before they find that (1) they can do this and (2) they like it… and some guys find that no matter how many times they try this, they just don’t like it.

At some point, the training wheels will come off… and they should only come off when you’re ready to take them off. When you’re thinking about this, don’t focus so much on what, how, or even who: Focus on why you want to this; what’s going on with you that has you thinking and feeling that you need a set of training wheels to begin with? You’re gonna hear a lot of shit about this that, truthfully, is only partially true and it’s going to be very damned important to let any fears that develop mess with your head. The risks are real and that’s a fact… and I’ll tell you how to avoid a lot of them… but you’d probably be surprised at the number of guys who are convinced that if they just touch another man’s dick, they’re gonna catch something nasty and, again, I’m not being funny about this.

A guy asked, “Have you ever caught anything from another guy?”

“No… because I’m smarter than that,” I said. “If I have the slightest doubt about a guy, I won’t do anything with him and no matter how badly I might want to or he does… and that includes any doubts he puts in my head just by what he’s saying.”

When in doubt, do nothing. Think first, then act if you must… or if you can. If you can’t, don’t worry about it and above all else, protect yourself at all times and, yes, even with someone you think you know well because if I’ve learned nothing else about having sex with men, they are too subject to change once their dick gets hard.


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