Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: So, Now What?

11 Jun

It’s now decision time. If you’ve managed to accept and validate yourself you have some choices which are, simply, to do… or do not. This is also the part of the “program” where I advise that when pondering “now what,” think first then act if you must… or if you can… and I really mean that one should really and seriously think about it and for as long as it’s deemed necessary.

There is this great… compulsion to dive right on in and I have never been able to figure out what’s driving this other than, after thinking through all of the stuff, one’s mind is now open to the possibilities and, perhaps, even more so when they’ve been observing folks in the same-sex way and they’re just horny as all get out just thinking about what it’s gonna be like to step into forbidden territory.

What’s to think about? Just go ahead and do it!

Yeah, not that simple. The thing that has to be thought about isn’t so much whether you’re gonna like it or not or making yourself cray-cray trying to figure out who you can do it with: The thing that has to be thought out is the consequences of your actions… and there will be consequences… and not all of them are the stuff of horror stories as everyone says they are… but they could be. What keeps a lot of people sitting on the bench is attempting to see every possible outcome and the consequences… and that’s fairly impossible since you will never know what’s going to happen until it actually happens. Then you tack on the fact that most people will spend a lot of time thinking about everything that could go wrong or, sometimes, assuming that if they’ve heard about someone else’s experiences – and they didn’t go all that well – then if it happened to that person, it’s definitely going to happen to them, too.

Then that really curious thing of not knowing how to do what you wanna do or, if you do have an inkling about how to do whatever it is, being overly worried about not being good at it. I’ve known a lot of men and women who have gotten lost overthinking things and including whether they can actually do a thing or not, which puts them in a quandary because chances are good that you’re not going to find out if you can actually do it until you try to do it.

Yes, some folks can make the decision that the first chance they get, they’re going for it and, yes, they just go ahead and do it… but that takes some internal meetings with one’s self – and depending on how much – or badly – they want and need to do this – to be able to “throw caution to the wind” and just dive on in and whatever happens, happens. This approach actually does work – I call it the “fuck it” moment but while this might sound careless or something like that, it really isn’t; the short version is one’s mind is going at Warp 10 to answer the question, “Do I do this or should I not do it?” and one’s mind can get overloaded to the point where it kinda shuts down and, yep, you think or say, “Fuck it…” and take the plunge.

This is also the point where you find out that fantasy and reality don’t always line up together; this is the part where you find out that whatever you’ve seen done by watching porn might not make it “easy” for you to do and that eye-opening slap in the face that lets you know that watching someone else do something just ain’t the same as you doing it.

Now, do you have to take the plunge? No, you do not if (a) you don’t want to or (b) your situation isn’t going to allow it. In my experiences, however, I can truthfully say that I have not known too many people who didn’t want to take the plunge and even if they’re waffling back and forth about whether they should or not. Those same experiences have taught me that in the “majority of times,” a lot of people just aren’t going to be happy with themselves until they dive on in because that urge to do this just does not go anywhere.

Then – and as if all of this ain’t bad enough – you still have to find someone who’s willing to have sex with you in this way… and good luck with that. The number one complaint heard from those who are sitting and waiting to have their first experience is not being able to find someone to have it with. The “truth” here isn’t that there aren’t others out there who’d be willing, ready, and able to throw it down with you because there sure as hell as a lot of such people; the problem is trying to find someone who can meet or exceed a predetermined set of conditions and qualifications that can be simple… or as complicated as quantum physics and then it gets even more complicated because most people cannot, do not, and will not simplify things or otherwise make it easy on themselves.

If one has issues with casual sex, well, you’re hosed and have shot yourself in both feet while you’re at it. One of those things that is, at the least, implied when I say to think first is to change your perspective about sex; how it’s supposed to be versus what can be done so if you’re not a casual sex kind of person, you’re going to have a very difficult time finding someone to take the plunge with. Then, if that wasn’t bad enough, having the sex with anyone is a very serious and major trust issue and some folks, well, they’re not all that inclined to trust out of hand or, as Ronald Reagan said, “Trust, but verify…” and the verification process can be a bitch and a half and more so when most people require and demand verification before trust can be established.

What I do know is that you will never, ever, find someone to take the plunge with by sitting on your ass and doing absolutely nothing about it. What I know is that if you do what a lot of people do and create the “perfect” person and the “perfect” situation and conditions in your mind, chances are that nothing is going to happen because you just might be looking for someone who actually doesn’t exist anywhere in the world not to mention that if they do exist, um, you have no friggin’ idea where they are. I tell a lot of people stuck in the place that if you’re not willing to put yourself out there to (a) find someone and/or (b) allow yourself to be found, guess what ain’t gonna happen?

What’s the best way to go about this?

That’s a question I can’t answer because, as far as I know and in my many experiences, there is no sure way to go about this that’s guaranteed to work. Some folks prefer the devil they know over the one they don’t… and some prefer the devil they don’t know and more so when one of their big concerns is what’s gonna happen if the devils they do know find out that they wanna go both ways. Ideally, you want the person you can trust and be comfortable with and one who is going to understand that, um, you have no idea how to go about doing this and, because you don’t, they’re going to be very patient with you and, yeah, hopefully, they’re not going to go tell everyone on the planet that they just had sex with you. Who can be that person?

Anyone can… and that’s what you’re gonna have to figure out and I cannot tell you how to do it

Well, how has this worked for you?

Not counting my youthful experiences, I’d have to say that eight out of ten times, I’d find myself in the right place at the right time and a lot of my encounters happened by chance. My track record for deliberately finding someone to have fun with is, well, fucked up because I’ve failed a lot more than I’ve succeeded but I guess Mr. Murphy likes fucking with me because when I’m not really looking or even thinking about doing anything, I’m getting propositioned to the point where it’s annoying as hell. When being deliberate, I tend to piss people off because I’m not just going to jump into bed with them without any information or, as I’ve told a lot of guys, “If you don’t have time to talk to me, you don’t have time to have sex with me.”

One can give the various apps a try but with the understanding that (a) you’re gonna be putting in a lot of work to find the right person and (b) not everyone on an app is as “real” as they may appear to be. You could go hang out in a “gay bar” and that just might work… and it might not. The thing here is that if you don’t have a real person in mind, you just never know who might hit on you and if you have a problem with people trying to pick you up, well, yeah – not gonna help you. If you have a lot of sexual inhibitions and harboring a lot of fear over the unknown and see “everyone” as a potential risk to yourself, you’re going to fail at getting your chance to take the plunge.

Compounding all of this is that sense of urgency to have sex like this and sometimes it’s better to do your best to keep that down to a dull roar so you can let your intelligence – and not your libido – make these important decisions and even then with a caveat and one I actually learned from my mother: “If you study long, you study wrong.” What that means is that the longer you take making decisions about anything, the greater the chance you’re going to “make a mistake.” It’s just weird that in these things, the first answer you come up with is usually the right one even though it might not feel that way and the proof of this is any test you’ve ever taken that’s been multiple choice and nothing feels more sucky than getting your test paper back and finding out that the answer you selected – and after thinking about it a lot – was the wrong answer… and the first one you thought about was the right one.

What if you make the wrong decision?”

It happens and I don’t know anyone who has been right 100% of the time and, nope, I know I haven’t. It’s not that you can guess wrongly – it’s what you do when you find out that you did that matters the most. In my experiences, a lot of people have said that they made a mistake… after the sex has happened and now they’re all fucked up in the head about it and usually the mistake is that things didn’t happen the way they expected them to and, yeah, whoever they were with did a Jekyll and Hyde on them and this, too, is to be expected and aware of because people do behave differently when they’re horny and when they’re not.

This shit is way too complicated to be bothered with!”

I never said it was easy. I’m as experienced in this as the day is long… and I know it’s not easy. What I think one should do is to make doing something about their thoughts and feelings as easy on themselves to work with as they can manage. Again, if you’re not willing to put in the work that is necessary, you’re going to fail. “Dating” these days is even more of a clusterfuck than I can remember but, again, one of the things you should be thinking about before trying to act is learning a new way to date people, even if just for sex. It’s okay to have a plan for going about this… but a part of the reality says that no plan survives first contact or this stuff looks and sounds good on paper and can turn out otherwise in application. And that’s actually okay if you believe that you can’t learn to success without failing.

If you’re not willing to stick to this until you, well, get what you want, guess what’s never going to happen for you? I don’t mean you have to be running around and chasing “everyone” you come in contact with but you do have to be determined to experience sex in this way and have a list of what you will do that’s longer than the list of what you’re not going to do… and a lot of bisexuals looking to take their first dip in the pool tend to have a list of what they’re not ever going to do that’s lightyears longer than the list of what they will do.

That’s not going to work. No, you don’t have to “do it all” right out of the gate and you should never let anyone pressure you into such a situation if you just ain’t feeling it. It’s okay to take baby steps and it’s okay to take your time dipping your tootsies into the waters. Yes, that first time can be scarier than anything you’ve ever experienced and I won’t lie to you can tell you that getting past that moment of truth is a piece of cake… because it usually isn’t but, yep, it can be… and whether it is or isn’t depends on you more than anything or anyone else. I have found that if one doesn’t have a sexual sense of adventure or are otherwise risk-adverse, taking the initial plunge isn’t going to be easy…

Which is exactly why I tell people to think first, then act if they must, or if they even can at all. So now what? That’s up to you and doing nothing at all is a viable and legitimate choice. I have, at times, tried to talk people out of having their first time, not because I don’t think they can do it but they’ve “indicated” to me that they haven’t thought things out all that much and they’re acting more on impulse than anything else. Should you “just do it?” Well, how about you tell me why you want to and don’t leave anything out and I’ll let you know what I think one way or the other but what this really does is it will make you look at what you’re thinking and feeling so that you can make the right decision for yourself.

Or, as Morpheus said in The Matrix, I can show you the door but you still have to walk through it and I’m the guy who will tell you that it’s not that easy to do and your experiences will vary from anyone else’s… and you won’t know until you walk through the door. Some people pass this “test” with flying colors… and some just don’t; now it’s about which person do you wanna be? I will tell you that in my many experiences, I have had and heard more people say, after taking the plunge, “I don’t know why I never did this before now!” or “I don’t know what I was afraid of!” and, classically, “That wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be!”

All of this is the answer to, “So, now what?”

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Posted by on 11 June 2021 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts


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