It’s easier than a lot of people think it is, believe it or not. One of the curious things I’ve seen over the years has been how many bisexuals feel as if they’re living two different lives with their bisexual one being a secret. I know about this, I’ve had a lot of bisexuals tell me that this is how it feels to them and while I’ve never really figured out how this manifests itself, I do know that it gives a lot of bisexuals fits and other complications because of this sense of living two lives…
When, in fact, they’re still only living one life but one with a more… open sexual aspect – yeah, let’s call it that. When you have this thing about both men and women, there is an implied duality in place (and so much for this not being as binary as some folks insist it can’t be) and even in this, a lot of bisexuals still kinda tend to think men or women and, as such, they’re two different things and, seemingly, not really connected.
I remember talking to Cityman about this and him being very worried about finding a balance when, in reality – and as I said to him – this isn’t about balance: It’s about integration and literally merging this “new” aspect with everything else you have going on in your life. The only change that actually happens is instead of wanting to have sex in the preferred boy/girl way, there’s the added thing of sex in the same-sex mode and what tends to bake a lot of noodles trying to integrate this into their daily lives is continuing to think one or the other when, um, when you wanna get laid, either one will work… and provided you’ve taken the plunge and discovered that it really does work.
When Cityman asked me how I achieved balance, I told him that I never did because I don’t think that’s possible but my bisexuality is literally a part of me and just like, say, being a musician is and, as such, if there was a time where I thought of this as being two different things – and I’m not sure if I ever did (but probably), I figured out that this was just a part of the whole and now, when deciding that I want and need to get laid, it’s just a question of availability more than having to employ a whole different “mindset” and like a lot of bisexuals tend to attempt to do.
The key to this is one of those Captain Obvious things: Whether I can get some pussy or some dick, neither of those things really gets in the way of doing whatever I have to do in the course of my “normal” day and whatever the day has in store for me could include getting laid… or it might not and there’s not one of us, regardless to sexuality, who doesn’t know what this is like.
I’ve been asked, “Well, how do you make up your mind about who you wanna sleep with?” and the question is always about the “who” being a male or female. My answer is, “It doesn’t matter and, yeah, I have no qualms about being able to have both whenever possible.” It’s an answer that, to some, doesn’t make sense but that’s usually because, again, even bisexuals tend to think that they either want a woman or a man… but not thinking or considering that either one gets the bulldog fed… if the thing you prefer to do above all else is to have sex. Yes, you still have to be able to find someone who’s willing and even available… and that’s not any different from what everyone does and that includes people in a relationship.
And, really: Who among us doesn’t know what it’s like to have a great need to get laid… but life and the things you have to do tends to make sure it’s not going to happen when you’d like it to? If there is a, let’s say, “duplication of thought,” it’s thinking about whether pussy is what you need or it’s a nice hard dick but, ideally, it shouldn’t matter as long as the need to get laid gets taken care of… and whenever that happens. There’s convenience and opportunity to be considered and, again, this is just a part of everyone’s every day life; we tend to get all into “who” we wanna get nasty with and that’s pretty normal but when you’re bisexual, “who” can be anyone, male or female, you can convince that having sex with you wouldn’t be a bad thing to do.
A lot of people, I think, get into this living two different lives thing because they’re still thinking that this is two different things… and it isn’t so much and even if no one else knows that they’re bisexual and by this I mean no one that knows them is aware of this and, hence, the secret bisexual life. I get it – it’s just how some people think until they are able to understand that even if their bisexuality is a secret, um, nothing has actually changed other than having that “option” when one wants to get laid. We tend to “break it down” to things you do in the opposite sex mode and how we go about that and things in the same sex mode being a different set of criteria and this, too, seems to be normal… until one gets around to thinking that how you go about getting some sex is the same process: You gotta find someone willing to have sex with you; you have to convince them that it’s not going to be a mistake and that it’s going to be worth their while and all that other stuff that everyone goes through because it’s still very much a part of our every day lives.
A lot of people make living with bisexuality harder than it has to be. As a guy, I have that very bad case of sex on the brain and, as a bisexual male, it includes pussy and dick… not one or the other and as many tend to think. Now it’s just a question of availability and, of course, whether or not I even wanna be bothered with going through “the process” to begin with… because there are other things that require my attention and/or takes priority. This sense of dual lives, it seems to me, comes about when bisexuals continue to think like heterosexuals or, yeah, homosexuals. That “one or the other but not both” thing that’s been going on since forever. I’ve seen in others that when they’re thinking like this, it does tend to make living with bisexuality a problem and, yeah, sheesh, is that thing that gets so many bisexuals thinking about what is preferred or which thing is more preferred over the other when, at least in my opinion, the thing to be preferred over anything is… having sex and being intimate with someone else and that they’re male or female doesn’t really make a difference, you know, as long as they can meet one’s criteria in this.
Okay, yeah, you might be thinking that I make this sound easy… and I know it isn’t. I’ve had the advantage of being bisexual for a very, very large part of my life so I’ve had both the time and experiences to be able to see and learn that I’m not living two different lives: It’s all the same life but with expanded sexual preferences. Once I figured this out, all that “do you prefer men or women” stuff meant nothing to me because the answer is, “Yes!” because in my mind, it’s always men and women because, um, yeah, I’m bisexual. Duh, right? I “prefer” to have sex because doing so is still a part of my existence and when it comes to “who,” well, it’s whomever is available and willing to engage with me… and that’s not any different from what anyone has to contend with and, yep, regardless to sexuality.
“That’s an interesting way to look at it…”
I don’t recall who said that to me but I do remember telling them that it just makes sense to look at it this way and in a way that doesn’t make me insane or have me making shit more complicated than it already is. Despite the dual nature of bisexuality, I am still one person. One life and, yep, a dual sexual preference, but still one person. I’ve already proven to myself that sex with men and women works very well for me and that’s integration, not balance. It’s all one thing: Sexual intimacy and the understanding that I can achieve it with men and women and even more so when I know that with a couple of exceptions, there’s nothing that can be done with a woman that can’t be done with a man and those exceptions are anatomical and obviously so.
Whether the opportunity presents itself is something else and we know how much of a clusterfuck that can be and the clusterfuck is included in the everyday aspects of our lives. And then, there’s this: Bisexuality didn’t just change the way I have sex; it changed the way I think about sex, too. I took all of that stuff that got crammed into my head about having sex and got rid of it and not only learned another way to do the nasty, but an entirely different way of thinking about it. Not so much “who…” but “what.” Doesn’t matter if I’m dick-deep in pussy or happily sucking dicks with a guy but I’m having sex and being intimate and that is just a part of my life… and just as it is for a lot of people.
How do you live with it? Um, by doing what you “normally” do and according to whatever priorities and other stuff you have in place so that you can get through one day to the next with the minimum of difficulty and when that’s even possible since, um, sometimes, it ain’t but, again, that’s not any different from any other day we wind up experiencing. We all play the “Getting Laid” game and we’ve been playing it since we became sexually active and, yep, we either make this an easy thing to do or make it as hard as trying to count the grains of sand on a beach… because our life experiences tend to fuck with us like this. That sense of living two different lives is… an illusion but one that a lot of people can’t see through and that’s probably because they’ve overly complicated it and just flat out overthinking it in favor of any modicum of simplicity.
It’s one of those if/then/else equations: If I wanna get laid, then I gotta find someone who’s gonna let me get next to them like that and regardless to them being male or female; else, there are other things that I have to do on top of trying to figure this one out as well. It’s either going to happen… or it isn’t. Nothing different going on here and it’s not the balancing or juggling act that, again, a lot of bisexuals think it is.
How do I really live with being bisexual? It’s because to me, it’s just as normal as breathing is and with some exceptions, I don’t think about breathing all that much because, um, my sexuality is just as much a part of me as breathing is, or being a musician, or being any- and everything else I am. The opportunities don’t always present themselves and this, too, just just a part of the whole just as other priorities tend to cock-block the shit out of, well, everyone. I just happen to be one of those people for whom pussy and/or dick will serve the purpose… because it just does and I do have a responsibility to myself to not make myself insane making choices that, in actuality, I don’t have to make other than what everyone has to do: Find someone who’s willing and able to have sex with you.
Otherwise? My life as a bisexual isn’t “all that different” from anyone else’s. Shit, the most difficult part of my day is deciding what I wanna have for dinner and that, at least to me, is way harder than being bisexual is… and is still a singular aspect of everyone’s daily life, huh? I’ve heard people say, “Well, why settle for hamburger when you could have steak?” and like hamburger is a bad thing or some lesser thing… when you can turn a Porterhouse steak into hamburger. In this analogy, I might want that Porterhouse… but a plain ole hamburger will also feed the need because it can. Do I prefer shrimp or lobster? Yes. Liver? Oh, fuck no! Fried fish or sushi? Yes. Dick or pussy? Hell, yes and if I can have them both at the same time? Even better.
One person. One life. A different way to have sex and a different way of thinking about it that’s really not different other than what’s included as a part of who I am. Not two different things: Just one thing that doesn’t have the exclusions others have.
Just another day. Just a part of my life as a whole and being able to see it as such and because looking at it any other way is a headache I really don’t wanna be bothered with and it doesn’t make sense to self-induce headaches when I can eliminate the source of them by integrating this aspect of myself into everything else that makes me who I am. Is it easy? Nope, because you do have to change the way you think about sex to be able to see bisexuality as one thing that is well and truly part of the whole and not the two things it sure as hell feels like… and not everyone can do it but it can be done.