Good question, huh? A lot of bisexuals who are ready to take the plunge usually knows what they want to experience and, often, specifically so… and some get stuck in neutral and aren’t all that sure about that. It’s not that they don’t know what’s possible in the same-sex mode; unless they’ve been living under a rock or in some very isolated place, yeah, chances are they know what can be done.
What they don’t know is whether or not they can (a) actually do it and (b) if they’re going to enjoy it as much as they think – and are hoping – they will. When I’ve talked to such bisexuals, this becomes a fuzzy kind of area because they’ll ask this question and I usually do that impolite thing of answering a question with a question:
“What do you want to do?”
A great deal of uncertainty going on at this point. As I wrote yesterday, with the exception of certain anatomical differences, if you can do something with and to a woman, you can do those same things with a man, from cuddling and kissing right up to oral and intercourse and, yeah, even if some… devices have to be employed.
Part of the uncertainty is the “belief” that having sex in the same-sex mode is very different and not everyone makes the connection that says, nah, not all that different.
In such conversations with men, I’ll go through the usual entry points: Masturbation, mutual masturbation, giving and/or receiving blow jobs. Not all guys jump right to anal sex right off the bat and some never go there at all but I’ve known some guys who’ve done that and usually because they already had that in their head for the thing they wanna do right out of the gate and some guys have actually practiced it with, um, their device of choice; they do tend to find out that the real thing is quite different and for a few reasons that I may or may not get into later in this scribble.
“What was the first thing you did?“
Sucked dick and swallowed. It is the thing that most guys experience first because, believe it or not, it’s one of the easiest first-things to do; jerking off with each other and jerking each other off is even easier once one gets past any modesty issues they have and feeling all kinds of weird about touching another man’s cock. I’ve explained to guys that there are times when things will start off… manually and can turn into oral after a fashion and I’ve had to explain that, no, I don’t know why that happens but it just “all of a sudden” seems to make sense to stop yanking on his prick and just suck it.
Yep… I’ve had to explain to guys how to suck a dick and how to be sucked. This might have you rolling your eyes or even laughing and I wouldn’t blame you if it did but remember: A lot of guys think this is so very different that the whole notion is rather alien… and even if they’ve ever had a woman go down on them and, yeah, if they’ve ever eaten pussy.
“What’s it like?“
I can tell them what it’s like for me but I’ll also tell them that whatever I say about that, what it’s gonna be like for them may be different and especially how they’re going to react to it. To the question of how to suck a dick, I’ve suggested that they should do it the way they like having it done to them; the only flaw in this is if they’ve never been sucked, well, they have no point of reference. Yes, they can watch all kinds of porn and see people doing it… but it’s not the same so much but I also recommend that they don’t try to deep throat a dick right away unless they want whatever’s in their stomach to come back and pay them a visit.
I also let them know that, somehow, a guy who has no idea how to do this can, once he gets started, just figures it out; I tell them that I’ve had first-timers go down on me and like they’ve been doing it all of their lives and making me think they were yanking my chain when they said they never did it before. Some guys are naturals and some guys really do have to learn how to give a blow job… and some guys have to learn how to get one and if you think that’s funny, well, I’m not trying to be funny.
I talk to them about expectations and the pros and cons of having them; I do my best to address their concerns, like, what if the other guy doesn’t cum – or they don’t – or he or themselves can’t maintain an erection; does it mean that whatever was going on wasn’t liked or there’s some inept lousiness going on? No, it doesn’t… and now I’m talking about how the male body works and what’ll make it not work as expected and, again, I am not kidding about this part. Yeah, you’d think that a guy would know how their body works but, again, this is a huge disconnect for a lot of guys and because it’s perceived as being so very different, their mind can’t connect the dots and more so if they’ve had such… performance issues with women, they can happen with guys and for a lot of the same reasons.
“I’ve heard about how this can go wrong – can this happen to me?“
Yes, it can and I advise them to not give someone else’s bad experience a whole lot of weight because, simply, that happened to them and you don’t know if something similar is going to happen for you. One of the things I learned about the horror stories is that when you hear one, you don’t always hear both sides of the story and some folks aren’t of a mind to let it be known that if the moment went sideways, um, they had something to do with that – but they’re often quick to blame the other person and/or themselves when, if you dig into the facts of matter, no one was really at fault – sometimes, shit just does not happen and if you wanna blame someone, blame Mr. Murphy and the “law” attached to the moniker.
And, yes: I have, at times, had to explain to a guy how to jerk another guy off and the disconnect I keep talking about is very much in play even with this. You’d think that if a guy knows how to jerk himself off, doing it to another guy should be a no-brainer. Sometimes it is just that… and, yep, rocket science is way easier… but this is exactly why I firmly believe that no first-timer should ever get tossed in to sink or swim. The only “exception” to this is those situations where shit spontaneously happens. There are those who believe that such things either never happen or they never should… and I’ll beg to differ big time since I’ve seen it happen and been all up in the middle of it either by choice or just being caught up in their moment.
“What if they wanna do something I don’t wanna do?“
Don’t do it and no matter how much shit they give you or try to pressure you into doing. A lot of the horror stories I’ve heard have taken place for this very reason, that and some first-timers are actually that naïve to believe that whatever the other person is saying to them in order to get them naked is them telling the truth where taking it slow and easy goes. No always means no and I’ll even suggest that if you don’t know how to make a person stop, you might want to learn how to do just that. For those wanting to have their first experience with me, I make it very clear that they can say “stop” at any time and for any reason and I will stop. It is not only the right thing to do but, yeah, I’ve heard some horror stories, too.
“If this was your first time, what would you do?“
That’s a question I can’t answer; I’m too much of a realist to speculate on something that is, for me, a very moot point and more so when I’ve pretty much done everything two guys can do to each other and what I haven’t done is because I didn’t want to and, yep, there are some things I won’t do with anyone for any reason.
For a lot of first-timers, all of this puts them in a precarious position if/when they’re not sure of what sexual thing they want to experience. They not only have to think about what they want to do but they also have to think about whether or not they can actually do it. I’ve sat with both men and women talking about this and we’re playing the “What If?” game and a lot of those “what ifs” cannot be definitively answered because a lot of them are things that there’s no way of knowing that they’ll appear… until they actually appear. Like, one of the more common ones: What if I don’t like the way his nut tastes? Well, that one is answerable: You can spit it out. Another is, “What if someone else finds out that I did this?”
Time to answer a question with a question – again: “Unless one of you tells someone else, how are they gonna know?” That’s actually a kind of loaded question and the real answer is rather involved. A lot of folks wind up getting outed… because they did it to themselves more than someone else running their mouth about it. And the “bad” part is that they can out themselves without knowing that they did… and you should never, ever discount how perceptive someone who knows you can be.
All of this – and a lot more – very much plays into being able to answer the question of, “What should I do?” and, you betcha – it’s a lot to think about and it does tend to defeat some folks due to the sheer number of possibilities and most of which are very deep in the unknown zone. It’s not as simple as picking the “easiest” thing to do and one usually has to do a lot of introspective thinking about this and provided, again, that one doesn’t already have something in mind and it seems that these days, a lot of people pretty much know what they wanna experience in their first time. I will, however, tell them to do their best not to get all fucked up in the head if their actual experience doesn’t match whatever they were thinking about.
“No plan survives first contact with the enemy.” This is a military thing that has a lot of truth behind it. Planners can come up with all sorts of plans and based upon what they think the enemy is going to do in response and, yeah, they don’t always do what you think they’re going to do… and one’s first time can happen in the same way. I know many will sit and think out scenario after scenario about how their first time is going to happen… and wind up being both disappointed and disillusioned because that’s not what actually happened or the whole thing went “off script” at some point or for some reason that no one thought about… because it’s almost impossible to predict the outcome of something that hasn’t happened. Again, that’s when most folks will “what if” themselves into major headaches trying to have Plans A through ZZZ and, I guess due to human nature, think about everything that could go wrong… and some believing that it will go wrong.
You can’t even really be sure that anything is going to happen at all and taking things one step at a time is, in my opinion, the best way to go about it; be in the moment and only in one moment at a time but we just have a habit of looking into the future or thinking about how things are going to wind up finishing… before they even get started. “What should I do?” isn’t always the no-brainer that it might appear to be and, to be honest, the only person that can answer that question is… yourself.
“This ain’t all that easy, is it?“
Nope, not for everyone but, yeah, for some, it can be that easy. The biggest “problem,” I think, is not really knowing what’s going to happen and finding out that thinking and doing really aren’t the same things. I’ve wound up sighing heavily and saying to some, “If you’re not sure of what you wanna do, give everything a try and try it more than once. Do something once to prove to yourself that you can do it and to get an idea if you liked it or not; then do it again to confirm things one way or another… and then do it again because what kills a lot of bisexuals’ sexual hopes and dreams is thinking that if it didn’t go right the first time, it will never go right.”
“It probably won’t take very long for you to find the things that you do like and the ones you’re not a fan of; a lot of doing this for the first time is really and truly trial and error and chances are good that you’re not gonna get it “right” the first time and that’s okay. You had to learn how to have sex in the first place and in this, it’s time to go back to school so you can learn another way to have sex and in a way that isn’t all that different from how you learned to have sex in the first place; the only thing that changes is the person – the acts are pretty much the same and interchangeable.”
As I’ve seen happen – and I’ve said this before and many times – when it comes to what to do the first time out, a lot of folks just say, “Fuck it!” to themselves and just dive on in and do… something because, as you can see, there’s a lot of stuff to think about and to consider and it can and will lock your brain up due to overthinking and some sensory overload. The first experience a lot of men and women have in this is oral sex and is, I’d say, usually, the thing that comes to mind and even more so if one has ever wondered what it would be like this way. It is usually one of the “weirdest” things to do but, as I said to one guy, “Do you remember the first time you ate pussy? You managed to get through that, right, and if so, you can get through sucking a dick for the first time. I’m sure you remember the first time you got your dick sucked; having a guy do it is only different because, duh, it’s a guy doing it – but what he’s doing isn’t different from what a woman would do, technique notwithstanding. If you survived that, you will survive having a guy blow you.”
And if one doesn’t, it’s usually because they’ve convinced themselves that they’re not going to “survive” it; we can very much be our own worst enemy in this and before one can even think about what, if anything, they wanna do, yeah – they’ve got a lot of very introspective thinking to do with themselves because they are gonna have to learn another way to have sex. I can tell you a lot about it… but I can’t do it for you. Making the choices and decisions will only be as difficult as you make them and I happen to know that a lot of people go out of their way to make this a very difficult thing to do. Like I said yesterday, you’re not only learning a new way to have sex – you’re learning a different way to look at and think about sex and that’s not going to make what to do any easier unless you commit yourself to making it easy for yourself and, yeah, pick the right person to have your first time with.
And that’s a whole different scribble…