Now we get into an aspect of male bisexuality that is… interesting. I don’t exactly remember when these terms got introduced to the dynamic but I do remember the first time a guy asked, “Are you a top, bottom, or versatile?” and I gave him a blank look because I had no idea what the hell he was talking about… and he had to explain it to me and, admittedly, I was kinda embarrassed that I didn’t know this but stopped being embarrassed because until that moment, there had been no reason for me to know this.
It did get me to thinking hard about how I’d been having sex with guys and after further review, I saw how versatile I was and that I didn’t have a preference (and like a lot of guys do today). I grew up in a sexual environment where us guys did it all because it not only made sense, it was also fair. You suck my dick, I suck yours; you fuck me, I fuck you. It wasn’t until I heard these terms that I went back and re-examined not only the way I was having sex with guys, but how other guys were going about it and after that review, top, bottom, and versatile made a lot more sense and more so when I’d run into guys who’d want me to suck them and give them my ass to fuck but they weren’t of a mind to return any favors; likewise, I’d run into guys who wanted just to suck me and be fucked by me and maybe get their dick sucked and, yeah, many guys who didn’t care who was on top or on the bottom as long as dicks got hard and were made soft and, usually, mutually so.
It didn’t escape my attention that the older I got, the more… different things got with guys and those three words – top, bottom, and versatile – started making a whole lot of sense even though, at the time, I wasn’t all that sure why they made sense; they just described and defined what I was seeing at that point. Guys were… settling in to and with whichever acts were liked the most and passing on those things they didn’t like so much or, interestingly, were of a mind that they weren’t going to like it… even if they’d never done it. I’d discovered what I liked and didn’t like by doing it and, um, usually, more than once or twice but I was hard-pressed to figure out how a guy could say that he was a top or a bottom… and he hadn’t had the sex yet.
It got me digging into what was going on here and learned that, yep – guys were deciding on how they wanted to have sex with other guys because of what they were thinking about it and, yep, how they felt about it. Since having sex with another guy was considered to be very and highly unmanly, there were guys who thought and felt that as long as they weren’t sucking dick and being fucked in the ass, their manliness was very much intact and “everyone” knew that “real men” didn’t suck dick or get fucked – that was for guys who weren’t all that manly… and read that as being effeminately gay. There were guys who thought and felt that their role in sex with other guys was to “be the girl” and not just because it was too much fun to suck dick, swallow sperm, and get their butt loaded up… but because it very much fit the self-image they developed for themselves and, for the most part, this is how they felt but this didn’t necessarily make them gay and more so when such a guy would revel in being the girl with another guy… and turn right around and give some babe the high hard one and without a second thought about it.
I observed that for a lot of guys, it was very important to determine whether or not they were going to be a top, bottom, or versatile before they even got around to taking the plunge; they’d already made up their minds about what they were going to like and what they weren’t going to like and, most likely, because of whatever they’d heard about men having sex with men… and the majority of that came from whatever one knew about gay men. It didn’t take a whole lot of mental effort to see how this behavior dove-tailed with the defined sexual roles: Male/dominant and female/submissive even though I also understood that these established terms really didn’t lend themselves to how people actually had sex but, okay, I saw what was kinda/sorta going on with this top, bottom, or versatile thing that was now a huge part of the bisexual dynamic and mostly because of preconceived notions rather than actual experience.
A guy would say, “I don’t like sucking dick!” and I’d ask him why and especially when he’d say that he had never sucked a dick. It was confusing until I likened it to how children didn’t like, say, broccoli… but they never ate it and wouldn’t. I had a son who made it clear that he didn’t like onions and that got my attention since, at the time, almost all of the meals prepared had onions in them and, of course, when I pointed that out to him, he was shocked and now couldn’t explain why he didn’t like something that he’d been happily eating all along… and I was baffled about his dislike of the same onions he’d been eating and there was no effort to hide the onions in preparations.
What a guy believed in this had more power than anything else. Some of it was that, “I’m not gay!” thing and the misconception that if they didn’t do certain things – suck dick and get fucked – then they weren’t gay at all… and not even giving a single thought that if a guy’s sucking your dick and you’re dick-deep in his ass, that’s a homosexual act just the same. It didn’t escape me that a lot of negotiations for sex with other men would often fall through once the question of being top, bottom, or versatile got answered, leading me to wonder what happens when two tops or two bottoms have sex… and the answer, based upon what I was observing was…
Nothing. Paying attention to how tops defined themselves and how bottoms were defining their role had me thinking that there’s no way anything could happen since opposites attract and sameness repelled… and just like that science experiment involving magnets. Tops initiated sex; they got their dick sucked and it was the bottom’s job/role do this and just as it is their job/role to bend over and take the top’s dick in their ass. Tops did not suck dick nor did they get fucked and it came to light that there were – and are – bottoms who wouldn’t fuck you if their life depended on it and you’d better not even think about sucking their dick – what the hell is wrong with you?
And, yeah, there were the guys who’d say, “Let’s just get naked and do each other!” and that just worked and was more in-line with the way I had sex with the guys I grew up with and other guys I’d met along the way. Then again, we all got our “preferences” by doing stuff and it made sense that anything we learned that we just did not like got thrown out and, yep, that would “sort” guys out into tops, bottoms, and versatile dudes… but didn’t explain, at the time, how a guy decided what he was going to be before doing anything.
I’d learned that male bisexuality was… complicated and this “new” aspect to the dynamic – and one that I eventually reasoned had been in place all along – was even more complicated because it’s pretty normal for people to think about the sex they want to have and how they want to have it… but not be all that interested in what sex is really possible. Like, I knew – and a lot of us knew – that having a dick in your ass hurts like a motherfucker… because that was the word on the street and a lot of us found that, yep, it does hurt because we were having dicks shoved in our butts. You take this known thing and one that made the rounds by word of mouth and, yep, it made sense that there were guys who didn’t want a dick in their ass because (1) it hurts like a bitch and (2) it’s too gay and very unmanly. The other word on the street was that sperm tasted nasty and many of us learned that, yep, ew, sometimes it didn’t taste good at all but since this was the word on the street, it made sense that a guy wasn’t going to suck a dick and wind up with a mouthful of that nasty-tasting stuff and, yes, because this, too, was too gay and unmanly.
What made this not so much of a given was that I’d run into tops who were amazing cock suckers and sometimes, they had no qualms about being fucked… depending on the guy they were with. While a lot of bottoms didn’t agree with the tops’ assessment that being the one to suck dick and swallow sperm and get it deposited in their butt was all that unmanly, if they were with the right guy, a bottom could be a top but because it wasn’t their main MO, neither “group” would say that they were versatile since this wasn’t something they’d do in the majority of times and even under rare circumstances.
At some point, versatility kinda went by the wayside because the dynamic somehow settled into the either/or thing of you were either a top… or you were a bottom and guys who were versatile were the weird dudes and as evidenced in the many times a guy would ask if I was a top or a bottom and I’d say, “Yes.” It had got locked in that tops needed bottoms and bottoms needed tops but guys who were and could be both? Yeah… weirdos. Because I was (and still am) versatile, a lot of “dedicated” tops and bottoms would head for the hills rather than to have sex with me because that meant, to them, that I was into some shit that they weren’t into and wasn’t going to be come hell or high water. What they didn’t understand – and I think they still don’t – is that being versatile doesn’t mean whatever you do to me I’m gonna do to you; it’s a mode of flexibility inside a sexual behavior that is also flexible. If you wanna top me and I feel like being topped, let’s do it. If I feel like topping and you wanna be topped, okay – I can do that… because, if nothing else, this is what and how I learned to have sex with guys. Sometimes, I just wanna suck dick without any reciprocation at all and sometimes I just wanna kick back and be sucked and not be of a mind to suck dick. Unless you wanted to do something that was on my list of Things I Will Never Do With, To, or For Anyone, I’m good with whatever you wanna do and, of course, depending upon how I’m feeling but with the sure and certain understanding that I can change my mind about something in a flat, skinny second… and I have.
The dynamic took another interesting term when M2M sex was “determined” to be very manly and I found out about this while investigating what others were calling the “thug mentality” and there is a code that defines the behavior and, as I understood it, created by the late Tupak Shakur. What I was learning was that inside the code was an unwritten thing that said that if your brother needed sex from you – or wanted to have sex with you – it was the height of manly responsibility to provide it and there was no shame or even labels attached… and I thought, “Wait, what?” But I understood it but even this “drastic change” in the dynamic settled into tops and bottoms… mostly and with versatility being like the red-headed stepchild you knew about but didn’t always pay any attention to.
But, okay: Trying to figure out how a guy would and could determine his role in this before having any of the sex was mystifying and confusing but, okay, I got it… right up until the day when Cityman mentioned to me that he was talking to a guy who described himself as top/verse and I had a big Lewis Black moment (and if you’ve ever seen his comedy routines, you know what I’m talking about). I was like, “How can a guy be a top… but versatile or describe himself as bottom/verse… when those terms don’t match up with each other? The way I understand it, you’re either versatile… or you aren’t.”
And, yeah, Cityman had to explain it to me and I understood that it was more… situational and like those who say that they’re bi with the right person or my “favorite,” socially bi. A top/verse is a top… but with the right person, he could do bottom things; likewise, a bottom/verse is a bottom but, again, with the right person, they could do top things… and I said to myself, “What the fuck?” I thought it was “bad enough” that things had been broken into three separate and distinct pieces… and now things have been sliced and diced even more and, I think, unnecessarily so except for one’s self-perception and peace of mind.
“I don’t really see how this is any different from, say, how I’ve always behaved in this,” I had said to Cityman and even he admitted that this new term didn’t make a lot of sense; it was just another way, albeit a weird one, to explain the potential to not always stick strictly to their default M2M behavior… which is what I’d always believed “versatile” meant… but what do I know?
You wanna hear something “funny?” Women can behave like this, too. I know bi women who will not eat pussy for love or money and I know bi women who love having men eat them… but never another woman. And there’s the women who are all in, all of the time; if it’s something two girls can do, it just works. And some of them decide this without doing anything with another woman. They think, “This is what I want to do and it’s the only thing I’m going to do…” and for whatever reason this makes sense to them. And just like guys do, they’re not often of a mind to change their mind about their role in this and, like guys do, they often tend to believe that once they’ve decided their role, it can’t ever be changed.
What a tangled web we’ve weaved. I get it and I really do but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t fascinate the living daylights out of me and more so when, if I’ve not learned anything about sex, it’s that we do it in whatever way works best for us and those ways are interchangeable despite being so clearly, if not erroneously, defined. Instant gratification is loosely defined as, “I want what I want and in the exact way I want it; anything else just does not ever work.” It’s the reason, I think, that people become bisexual but turn right around and shove themselves inside another box after they’ve escaped the one they were previously in… then making the box smaller and smaller and finding themselves trapped in patterns of behavior that they think or “know” that can’t get out of.
What happens when two tops want to have sex with each other? You’d think – and as I did – nothing can happen… but that’s not really the truth because even sex like this follows the male/dominant – female/submissive rules or, to put it crudely, someone has to be the guy and someone has to be the girl or that’s what we think. Two tops could, if they choose to, do whatever they want to do to, with, and for each other and they can… situationally. Guys are… hilariously funny in that if “Ted” is a top and “Greg” has gotten his attention – but Greg is also a top, well, depending on how badly Ted needs to bust a nut or two, he’s willing to do whatever as long as Greg is also willing… hence that top/verse thing I mentioned earlier but is really being, um, versatile.
Likewise, you’d think that two bottoms who have “the hots” for each other would be at an impasse to do anything and given how being a bottom is defined these days… and enter that bottom/verse thing now. What’s at fault here is that we almost always think about the sex we want to have… but not so much the sex we could have if we didn’t have the preferences that exist and in a very rigid state.
I’m not even gonna get into that submissive and power bottom stuff I’ve been made aware of; this shit is already confusing enough as it stands. Perception versus the truth: People who don’t know anything about bisexuality assume that if two guys – or two gals – get together, they do everything that can be done and without exception… and that’s never been true because we have some shit stuck in our heads about how sex is supposed to happen and what our role in it has to be and, usually, with few or no exceptions. I know what’s good and bad about sucking dick… because I experienced it; likewise, I know what’s good and bad about anal sex – been there, done that.
But there are men, to speak specifically, who makes these determinations without being there or doing that and that just fascinates me and very much speaks to how our minds works about such things. I know women who will say that, sure – if “Jessie” wants to eat her pussy, she’d be okay with it… but Jessie’s coochie would go uneaten, not because she couldn’t go down on Jessie but because she’s already made up her mind that she’s not going to like it and, sometimes, because she believes she’s not going to be good at it and as she’d be expected to be. I know guys who will let another guy suck his dick and finish him off… but wouldn’t return the favor, not because he doesn’t know how to but usually because he’s convinced himself that he can’t and he’s not going to for any reason.
I’ve said, “You never ask a man to do something you wouldn’t do yourself…” and in the world of tops and bottoms, this is exactly what tends to happen. It’s not what the two of us could do – it’s what I want you to do and anything I don’t want to do is and will forever be non-negotiable. It’s one’s right, of course, and it’s usually couched in one’s preferences which are locked down and unchangeable and, at least in the world of M2M, this is just how it is: You’re either a top or you’re a bottom and those roles have been clearly defined and delineated… and I’ll be damned if I really know why. I get it: “I don’t have to if I don’t want to…” and my question is, “Why don’t you?”
The answers tend to surprise me since, most of the time, the usual answer is, “Because I don’t want to!” and with some folks, you have to dig really deep to get to the root of this and a lot of is… “Because I’m not supposed to…” and depending on how they see their roles in sex, which differs when it’s sex with a woman and sex with a man… and not seeing that it’s all the same since women can and do top men and the female/dominant role in sex is also a very real thing and even more so when pegging is now a “thing” – and not like it never was, by the way.
Confused? Yeah, so I am – and I’m up to this to my pretty brown eyes.