Three things: Be you. Do you. Be the best bisexual you can be.
More things: If you can’t have the sex, don’t make yourself insane over it; know that there are a lot of bisexuals who either can’t do the deed or just don’t want or need to; many are somewhat… content to have this very expanded view of things that encompasses more than having sex.
If you decide to take the plunge and spend some time in the pool, do it smartly and safely… and by all means, have fun. If you lean more towards the emotional and relational aspects, know that you just might have to do a lot of work to find that “special someone” you can engage with like this and don’t be dismayed: They’re out there and just might be closer than you realize.
I don’t sugar-coat this part: If you’re bisexual and in a relationship already, you’re in the worst imaginable situation and there aren’t many options – or much in the way of recourse – that’s going to make being in this situation any better. The “choices” are do nothing, beg for forgiveness, or ask for permission. If you’re of a mind that the last one is impossible, it isn’t but it’s not easy to obtain and there are a lot of couple who have found that a partner’s bisexuality is and can be that spark that rekindles the flames of their love.
Be aware of all the anti-bisexual stuff going around and know that a lot of it is coming from people who don’t have a clue about what bisexuality is or what it can be like; they’re stuck in a BC mindset and, really, if you wanted someone preaching fire and brimstone at you, you can always go to church. Be aware of it… and don’t let the naysayers influence you with their negativity and other scare tactics and, most definitely, keep your own counsel about it. Know that since all this fussing started running off the rails, it’s not done a thing to stop anyone from being bisexual and if nothing else, there are more people embracing bisexuality than ever before.
I will contradict those who insist that all bisexuals have to come out by saying that if you don’t want “everyone” all up in your business, you do not have to allow it and, at best, this thing about you is on a need to know basis… and some people just do not need to know. If someone calls you out for being a deceptive liar about your sexuality, just remind them that your private business is your private business… so be about minding your own damned business and stay out of mine, thank you very much.
If joining and participating in things LGBTQ+ is your thing, by all mean – join and participate and in any other bi-positive groups you can find. There’s not only safety in numbers but there’s also strength in numbers and, yes, it’s much better to be around others who are more like you than to be around those who aren’t.
Getting hit with the disease card. You will, invariably, hear all about this and in some very scary ways. Some of it is actually true but know that sexually transmitted diseases have been with humans since humans started having sex. Know that you’re going to hear a lot of people spitting out statistics from a lot of sources including the CDC and I’d not take what they’re saying as gospel – go to the CDC and NIH websites and view the information yourself and if you have questions, ask them and not anyone who is less informed about the big picture here. If you’re active in this, get tested! A lot of people don’t because their afraid to let their doctor know that they’re bisexual and have been having sex and as if their doctor is going to blab it to the whole world. What you say to your doctor is not only legally protected but morally binding due to the oath they take and, besides: Malpractice insurance costs them a seriously stupid amount of money and they’re not of a mind to have to use it – ever – and violating the privacy laws is a federal offense.
Whatever you have to do to protect yourself, do it. If you’re like a lot of bisexuals and think that having a FWB is the safest option, you’re right… and not so much because unless you’re privy to every aspect of their lives, you don’t know what they’re doing when they’re not with you. Doesn’t mean you can’t trust or believe them but don’t let this lull you into a false sense of being safe. Trust, but verify.
If you have a problem with casual sex, well, let me ask you this: How do you think a lot of people have sex? It’s not all relationship sex and as things are supposed to be. All this fussing about bisexuality has ramped up our inherent fear of the other and there are many who are going to tell you that if you have sex with someone you don’t know a whole lot about, you’re putting yourself and everyone around you in grave danger. The fact is that sex has always been a risky business and to the point where if you got laid last night, you not only put yourself at risk but assumed the responsibility for taking that risk even if it’s the person you’ve been having sex with all along. The anti-bisexual, disease card carrying naysayers aren’t of a mind to tell you this… but I will.
This is the part where you do a couple of common sense things. First, if they don’t have time to talk to you and address your concerns, they don’t have time to get into your underwear and this has to be non-negotiable. Next, trust your instincts; if they tell you to not do it, just don’t. This isn’t what you think so much and to once more swipe a quote from “Star Wars,” “Your eyes will deceive you – don’t trust them.” Know that your instincts aren’t going to “get it right” every time but many have found that they usually do; your first instinctive thought is usually the right one. In this, always let your intelligence make the final decision rather than to let whatever fears you may be in possession of do the thinking for you. Many have told me that their instincts have told them that, yeah, go for it with them… but the fear that’s been implanted in their mind will take charge and… nothing happens when you can almost literally “feel it in the air” that something should happen. In any of this, think first, then act if you must… or if you can.
The risks are very real but they can be mitigated and prevented but, again, the anti-bisexual crowd won’t bother to point this out to you; their whole mission is to stop you from doing something that they don’t believe in and, no, they don’t play fair and will use fear as a weapon to beat you into doing things the way they think you should be doing them. To this end, consider this: A life lived in fear is a life not worth living.
I’m not telling you this to convince anyone to embrace bisexuality; not everyone can and no matter how much they’ve tried to. Bisexuality operates under a different set of “rules” than being straight or gay and it’s not a one-size-fits-all kind of thing nor is it a 50/50 proposition and as some are suggesting it should be and, hell, no: If being in a same-sex relationship isn’t on your list of things to do as a bisexual, it will never invalidate your bisexuality. Neither does not doing “what everyone else” does. Everyone has their own idea of what this is and what it’s supposed to look and be like but that’s for you to decide and to define and, yes, to own lot, stock, and barrel.
The best “advice” I can give anyone about this is to not make it any more difficult and complicated than it already is. Seek to simplify things rather than to do what a lot of bisexuals tend to do, that being, setting the bar so high that it’s becomes impossible to do something and provided one does want to do something. Keep it simple. I know bisexuals who have more rules that you can shake a stick at and they’re almost always sitting around and wondering why they can’t do what they want to do. I have three. I’ll admit that the last of my three rules – don’t be my idea of an asshole or cunt – is one that a lot of people can’t get past but, um, a whole lot of men and women have passed it with flying colors. In these things, it’s okay to “what if” things but it’s not okay to assume that those “what if” things are actually going to happen; this is where you take a big step back and understand that, really, you aren’t going to know what might happen until it actually happens… or if it does at all.
In this, there are a lot of people who are all about trying to mindfuck you into not being the way you want to be… and there are a lot of people who are mindfucking themselves about it and, well, don’t let anyone else mindfuck you and do not do it to yourself. Most bisexuals are their own worst enemy and not just because they can’t figure out what, if anything, to do with this. No: It’s usually because what they believe is getting in the way of what they’re thinking and feeling and it creates a major internal conflict. How do you deal with this? You’ll have to figure that one out but, if it helps, here’s how I did it:
I know what the rules are and I even know why they are the way they are… and I know they’re not as right as we think they are because – and here comes the Big Duh – if they were, no one would be anything but heterosexual and do we not know that not everyone is. I’m bisexual and it very much stands to reason that I’m not the only bisexual in existence or has ever existed. I know this… and now you know it. So much for that internal conflict. One of the things I learned about this is that any objection to not being heterosexual is emotion-based more than anything else; the problem is that emotional responses tend to do a number on both logic and intelligence. Logic and intelligence says that bisexuality is real… because there are bisexuals but our belief system has “installed” a response that is based upon an emotional reaction to having those beliefs questioned and challenged. We take it on faith that what religion has said about this is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth…
And I’m living proof that it isn’t and I’m sure as hell not the only living proof; that’s way more of an impossibility than the anti-bisexual crowd trying to convince you that bisexuality isn’t real… and now it’s all about what and who you’re gonna believe, huh?
This is what’s left, well, for the most part. No matter what anyone else tells you, this is about choice. Yes, we are all born with the potential and all that but you still have to choose what, if anything, you’re gonna do about it even if you choose to do nothing at all. Yes, a lot of people have this land on them and will say that they don’t want to be thinking and feeling this way and wishing it would just go away. The “bad” news is that it doesn’t just go away. You can suppress it but you can’t just shut it the hell up or keep it from hanging out in the back of your mind and poking you when you’d rather not be poked. You have choices and the simplest one is to accept and believe that this is how you feel and no matter why you are; this really does tend to come out of nowhere for some. Your next fork in the decision tree is what to do about it and you have choices: Do or do not. Most will tell you that they feel that they’re damned if they do and sometimes they are but what I will tell you – and because I’ve heard it from too many people to discount it is that sometimes, you’re damned if you don’t and a lot of the folks going through the internal war about this actually do know that if they don’t, they will be well and truly “damned.”
Just a bunch of choices that no one, not even me, can make for you. You’ll either make those choices… or you won’t. You might change your mind… and you may never change your mind and this, too, is choice. Hell, you can choose to believe me and what I’ve been writing or choose not to.
Do what you gotta do… even if it’s nothing at all. The biggest problem facing newbie bisexuals is a lack of credible information so that they can make an informed decision about this. I’m no professional expert in human sexuality – my degrees are in computer science and information technology… but I’ve been bisexual for a very long time and, yes, been there, done that and have also met and communicated with others who have been there and done that. I don’t have all of the answers or know every little nitpicking thing about this… but I know what I know.
Now I gotta think of something else to write about…