Yep. I wrote it like that and purposely so. One of the more prominent changes in the dynamic that I noticed was the emergence of Friends With Benefits and the lean toward exclusivity. I remember when I first heard of this and it was coming out of the mouths of women who had a “friend” that they’d do stuff with but they weren’t really a couple and by “stuff” I don’t mean just sex, as it turned out. I’d get a kick out of hearing a woman talk about having a “friend” and sometimes getting the giggles when someone would “call them out” on that “friend” being way more than just a friend.
I’d heard it enough to be able to see this “phenomenon” as something that has all of the perks of a relationship but none of the responsibilities and being exclusive in this wasn’t always an expectation but, yeah, some of the ladies had that one “friend” who was pretty much a constant in their lives and to the point where some would say to them, “Why don’t you just admit that you’re in a relationship with him? Jeez!”
Now, guys had “buddies;” suck buddies, jerk buddies, fuck buddies; that one guy who, you know, if the situation or mood called for it, sure – they could do something but it wasn’t like this was an “every day” sort of thing and sometimes when they’d hang out, nothing would happen other than whatever they were doing. Not quite casual sex but sex with a guy who was, for intents and purposes, okay with it but often with the understanding that they, too, might have a buddy or two or more and, if so, not that big of a deal. It made sense to have a buddy in that going on the hunt for cock, more often than not for some, was a total bust or there was a clear lack of discretion perceived or it was just too much like work (and it really is at times) so, sure – if you could find a guy or, if so inclined, a group of guys who didn’t mind occasionally getting together and doing something, well, that worked… but exclusivity wasn’t a hard requirement.
Oh, okay – it made sense to me but, at the time, such guys weren’t calling it Friends With Benefits… and then they were and, okay, whatever; if the shoe fits, wear it and the more obvious “benefit” was sex but still without a hard requirement for exclusivity so much… and then, it became a must for a lot of guys and, in most cases, citing both discretion and safety where one’s health was concerned. Not that much of a stretch to see the logic in this and, to be honest, if you run into that one guy who brings the noise in ways that meets or exceed your expectations, hell, yeah, you want more of him and as much of him as you can get but even still, expecting this guy to be at your beck and call was unrealistic since regular day to day stuff had higher priority and to expect the other guy to not be having sex with other people was, well, again, unrealistic.
Okay… this was getting weirdly interesting from where I was sitting. It actually wasn’t until Cityman was “having a fit” about one of his FWBs who was giving him all kinds of grief because he – Cityman – wasn’t of a mind to be exclusive or be involved with anything that had the slightest whiff or scent of being a relationship that I started seeing (and paying attention to) this new wrinkle in the dynamic. I didn’t find his position to be unusual since, for as long as I could remember, a lot of bi guys would avoid a relationship with another guy like, well, the plague and a response to the many gay men looking to take a dude off the market and exclusively so. At no time was having a “buddy” about being all into each other; you became friends, perhaps shared other interests but getting all into feelings? Oh, hell, no! I mean, I like you but I don’t like you that much or like that and a continuation or perhaps offshoot of guys not being into other guys and like they are with women.
I was then seeing more instances of this with quite a few forum members who were looking for an FWB – aka, Mr. Right – and just dissing Mr. Right Now and one of the requirements I saw stated over and over was that if there was no being into and exclusivity, that’s a major deal breaker. What struck me as being “funny” is that guys having this preference would also say that they weren’t looking for a relationship so much as they wanted someone who they could be all into and that person would be all into them and, again, exclusively so. I had, on my own, came to the conclusion that FWB is really a kind of relationship and I had slotted it just before a full-blown and involved relationship given that, as far as I knew, an FWB thing was still all of the perks and none of the responsibilities of an actual relationship… and I got my mind changed about that one once I started seeing more and more stuff about exclusive FWB situations that also had romantic overtones as well.
Yeah, this was different. Not only was I seeing more of a departure from casual sex, which used to be the hallmark of things M2M, but let’s say that the bi guy version of FWB was taking an interesting turn to see so many guys maintaining that if a guy wasn’t going to be into them and exclusively so, deal breaker and, no, just being into having the sex didn’t count as far as they were concerned. I asked myself, “What’s going on with this? What’s driving it?” I knew what a lot of guys were saying and the “prime reason” was their belief that they’d be safer with such an FWB than with someone who wasn’t which, at a point and after seeing this a lot, had me wondering what made them think that they’d be any safer since – and as I’ve mentioned a few times – you don’t know where his dick has been when he’s not with you so, at best, being safe in these things was an illusion but the more I observed, the more I was starting to see a repeat of the “mantra” that the only legitimate sex is relationship sex and sex without a relationship was bad and, among bi guys, extremely dangerous.
I’d ask guys what “being into” meant to them and many of them would state that it meant being into them in ways that didn’t necessarily mean in a purely sexual way; they had to have a lot in common and, as I kinda interpreted, be more of a boyfriend than anything else but the “true” romantic inclinations weren’t exactly being stated so much and not as some of the guys who are more romantically inclined would state when asked what being into meant to them. I was seeing instances where guys were going about this in the same way they’d go about getting a woman from dating to no sex on the first date and “proof” of some being into them and exclusivity was either firmly stated or definitely implied.
Okay… whatever works… except it doesn’t seem to be working all that much and the guys looking for that exclusive FWB are some unhappy campers… because, it seems, there are more guys of the Mr. Right Now school of things than there are guys who want to be bothered with being someone’s Mr. Right since, at it seems to be, that gets you tied down to one guy which, to them, defeats the purpose to be able to get all the dick they can. While some guys cited romantic intent, it had me wondering if the guys who didn’t specifically say anything about romance understood that by demanding that they and a Mr. Right be into each other, um, the romantic aspect could very well be implied and more so when the exclusive tag got applied.
And, as I saw with Cityman, drama tends to ensue when the “full” meaning of being into someone and the lack of exclusivity is concerned. A lot of guys feel some kind of way when they learn that neither thing has taken place in the way they want it but, of course, I know of the many times Cityman has run into this and he’s been… miffed about an FWB making demands on his time and giving him all kinds of grief because he’s sleeping with other men and, at least for him, being in an FWB situation still means all of the perks and none of the responsibilities… like being exclusive to just one guy. He wants that guy who he can hang out with and do stuff that doesn’t necessarily mean ripping each other’s clothes off but, yeah, that part is implied but if homey isn’t of a mind to have sex, fine – we can just chill and enjoy being in each other’s company and, preferably, without any drama.
I had to explain to him that just because this is the way he looks at the FWB thing doesn’t mean that the other guy looks at it this way or he’s not gonna get all into his feelings where he’s concerned and more so when, apparently, Cityman is very good at bringing the noise to these men and, as such, um, how do you think he’s gonna be feeling and how he’s going to react when you tell him that you sleep with other guys and being exclusive to only one guy isn’t what you wanna do in this? He’ll ask why they can’t just chill and “just have sex” when the mood is right and I again pointed out that this is the way he wants things to be… and some guys ain’t feeling that because they’re looking for Mr. Right and not Mr. Occasionally Right and definitely not Mr. Right Now.
I let him know that the FWBs he was having “issues” with wasn’t about being love but, yeah – they were feeling some kind of wonderful about him and that he, like it or not, is their idea of Mr. Right and wanting exclusivity just made sense to them. Cityman would emphatically state that he didn’t want to be some guy’s boyfriend which is still pretty much in line with the way a lot of bi guys think and feel… but it seems to me that there’s a growing trends where bi guys very much want a boyfriend that they can be in an exclusive relationship with and with the implied responsibilities and being “unfaithful” to them will not be tolerated. For married guys looking for their Mr. Right they can be all into, well, the “infidelity rule” gets cut some slack and more so if both guys are already in a “regular” relationship but it seems to me that other than taking care of things at home, getting other dick on the side – while getting some on the side – isn’t going to be tolerated… and I’ve been sitting back observing this and asking myself, “What the hell is going on with this now?”
It seems to me – and I know I can be wrong – that there’s a sense that if guys are doing each other but in a relational kind of way and with exclusivity, well, hmm, that makes it “okay” because the societal norms, in a backhanded kind of way, are being observed and adhered to. I’m not saying this is wrong or a bad thing… but I find it highly curious to see this change in the dynamic. There are often “wars of words” on the forum between the Mr. Right Crew and the Mr. Right Now Crew with both sides often insisting that the other is insane for the way they’re going about getting some dick. The Mr. Right Crew, again, cites safety and is less risky to have a guy who’s into you (and only you) and that the FWB mode has to be in place before any sex happens… while the Mr. Right Now Crew kinda speaks to how limiting this is and lessens the opportunities to not only get some dick but to explore the inherent diversity in being able to get with different guys and, yes, as safely as humanly possible.
I have fun watching this debate because I’m of a mind that they’re both right except where the sense that having an exclusive Mr. Right being more safe is concerned; it implies that said Mr. Right is going to be 100% honest about who he might be having sex with and, yeah, full disclosure is something I think should be a given in an FWB situation but, um, I also know guys and I know how possible it is to literally run into a guy you wanna have sex with and not thinking so much about that FWB who expects you to be exclusive to him. And as I’ve observed it taking place, any infidelity in the FWB is very bad juju and here comes the “heartbreak” and the drama…
And if any of this sounds familiar to you, it should – because it’s the way we go about any relationship and invoking monogamy which, in this situation, seems to be at odds but guys are finding ways to invoke it just the same. If you’re just into them for the sex, this is bad since they’re much more than just someone to have sex with and if you’re not down with this, no deal and if it’s discovered after sex has taken place, well, aren’t you some kind of fucked up motherfucker for dashing their hopes, dreams and feelings upon uncaring rocks?
What I’ve been seeing more and more of defies something I wrote about a long time ago now where I’d seen a woman write that women look for a relationship and find sex and men look for sex and find a relationship… but nowadays? Men are looking for a relationship and finding sex, too… or so it seems and nothing I’ve observed seems to discount this change in the dynamic. There are guys who are more Mr. Right Now than anything else – that’s never going to go away but, hmm, yeah, there are a lot of bi guys who don’t just want the bone – they want to romance the bone and the guy it’s attached to.
One guy was very exacting and specific about what he expected from an FWB and it made me ask him, “Why are you treating men like they’re women… because you’re asking an FWB to behave the same as any woman you’d date and be involved with.” And he didn’t deny that one bit. But wait – there’s more! Another guy wrote about how he wants to be wined and dined by a potential FWB and prove a high degree of being into them and if not, they’re not having any sex with them at all and I had asked him why he’s expecting a Mr. Right to deal with him as if he’s Mr. Right’s girlfriend and, again, he didn’t deny this and pointed to, let’s say, being more in touch with his feminine side than “most” bi guys tend to be… and exclusivity, again, was stated as a condition and requirement to be his Mr. Right; otherwise, anyone not meeting his requirements is the much-despised Mr. Right Now.
Well, alrighty then! Again, I’m never going to say that guys looking for and wanting that exclusive Mr. Right are going about this “the wrong way” because, well, they aren’t. I’d never say that the guys who are more of a mind to engage a Mr. Right Now without any overtones of an FWB thing and/or exclusivity are doing it wrong because they, too, aren’t… but this whole romancing the bone thing sure the hell is fascinating.
I had a boyfriend and we were very much in love… and it was an amazing experience that changed the way I thought about being involved with guys and more so when, like a lot of guys at that time, falling in love with a dude? Never gonna happen! Guys were very much of a mind that they weren’t into other guys like that and clearly meaning that they weren’t into guys like they’d be into women and even if they were the best of friends, anything they might do was just sex and without any romantic or relationship implications. I was of that mind, too… then got my mind changed big time so, yeah, I can understand why the FWB part of the dynamic is now and very much including some being into because, well, it feels good to have sex with someone who is into you (and other than literally and physically in you); it feels good to know that he’s involved with you for more than just the sex and that you have other non-sexual things in common… but the exclusivity part of it, well, it just fascinates me to no end because it, in my mind, very much implies a relationship more than anything else and with the implied responsibilities, well, some of them as far as the integrity of the relationship goes… and for many, that means if a guy is your FWB, he “belongs” to you and you alone and, yep, married FWBs get a pass on this one.
I’ve been of a mind that male bisexuality is starting to “settle down” into, well, normal relationship behaviors; is it a good or bad thing? I really don’t know other than I know what I’m seeing. “Relationship sex” is still preferred over casual sex and that’s never going to go by the wayside since being in any kind of a relationship just doesn’t fit a guy’s “plan” in these things and is often seen as being too much of a hassle and, yeah, for some guys, just too gay for their sensibilities. Being exclusive “implies” that there won’t ever be a moment where someone’s Mr. Right isn’t going to throw it down with that guy over there who got their attention because it could happen… and many looking for exclusivity understand this but ain’t feeling it one bit. They again cite being safe in this… but methinks it’s a lot more than this and some guys aren’t of a mind to say anything about that other than insisting that their FWB has to be into them.
Interesting times. An utterly fascinating change in the dynamic and I’m hyped to see where all of this romancing the bone is going to go.