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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Questioning

24 Aug

In my travels in life I’ve come across a great many people who have had reason to question their sexuality. Back in the day, it was firmly believed that people were either straight or gay (and some still believe this today) and, I thought, because of this narrow view, bisexuals weren’t paid a lot of attention and the reason I would often overhear was, “Who in their right mind would go both ways? They’re either straight or gay and that’s that!”

Yet, a lot of the people I grew up with were undeniably bisexual and as I grew up, there were many more guys and gals like me that just staggered my imagination… and even more who, at times, were worrying themselves about how they were feeling and thinking and, yeah, feeling the pull in both directions. It confused them and understandably so since, again, pretty much the whole world kept saying “straight or gay” and with a lot of angst and prejudice against anyone who was gay… or even “behaving” like they were.

When someone would look inside themselves and find that they’re not straight… but they’re not gay, yeah, pretty confusing and pretty scary, too; it didn’t take a whole lot to figure out that if society had problems with gay folks, they’d have problems with anyone who was bisexual and you could be almost anywhere and overhear people talking about “pick a side and stay on it!” and a sentiment that one could easily assume wasn’t just for homosexuals. Still, one could find themselves questioning their sexuality, not so much in terms of what they were feeling but why they were in the first place.

One of the things I say about this is that when someone gets bitten by the bisexuality bug, it’s often a great shock to them and more so when, to put it this way, they didn’t see it coming and had no reason to think, feel, or believe that they were anything but straight… and now they’ve got a whole bunch of questions that need to be answered and, more often than not, having a difficult time getting those answers…

Unless they happened to run into someone like me. In my quest to answer a question of my own – how can something that everyone says is bad feel so good? – I was finding out a whole lot of stuff about bisexuality including that there was such a word to begin with and had had, um, ahem, a great many experiences and opportunities to observe this in action from boys having sex with boys to girls having sex with girls. I, too, was asking questions – not so much about what my sexuality was – but why I was; I knew my own story, of course, and my curiosity about others was having a field day to hear their stories and their questions and being able to answer some of them or to “comfort” them when they’d say that they’re not supposed to be feeling this way and letting them know that they’re not the only one who does and that I was learning that it was a lot more normal than what many people believed it to be. Most of the time, it helped someone and sometimes not so much but I knew the answers were out there just waiting to be discovered.

That some would find the answers and not accept them, well, that happened. I was learning that we have a “habit” of believing what the majority of people say so if a lot of people say that people are only either straight or gay – and with gay being the worst thing ever – well, you just believed it and under the premise that this many people saying it couldn’t be wrong… except they really were and that generated even more questions for me that I needed the answers to… and I wasn’t the only one who needed them. Now it was becoming a matter of sorting through all of the dumb shit in order to get to the truth of things and that was – and still is – a tall order and one hell of a mess to sort through.

And then be able to objectively look at things and without my own perceptions coloring things and, yeah, a mistake I found I needed to stop making early on; it allowed me to be able to see what others were thinking, feeling and, yeah, doing with better clarity; I was learning that while there were a lot of people like me, we all didn’t arrive at this the same way or “at the same time.” We were the same… but different and in the early periods of investigating and learning about this, wow, knowing this would sometimes literally give me a headache at how odd this was but I’d eventually settle down and able to add those differences to what I’d already learned, which answered a lot of questions for myself and others.

I found that the biggest problem a lot of bisexuals had when questioning themselves and trying to find answers was paying attention to what “everyone else” was saying, which was still that “straight or gay” nonsense but now with the added bullshit that said if you went both ways, you were really well on your way to being gay and since this was “true” you’d be better off picking a side and staying there. And a lot of the people who were questioning their sexuality believed this which put them at odds with how they were feeling and thinking and I’d found the answer to this: Don’t listen to it. I’d ask them, “Who are you gonna believe – yourself or someone who has no idea what you’re feeling or why you feel the way you do?”

Yeah, it’s bad form to answer a question with a question but in this, sometimes that just works even if all it did was get people to stop and think about what I’d just asked them. Was it bad to feel the way you did about both men and women? If you listened to everyone else, yeah, it’s pretty fucked up… but how do you really feel about it? Many would hear this question, get to thinking about it and, how about that? They didn’t feel bad about it all that much but the worry and even fear of what others would think would still dominate things and just telling someone to not listen to the dumb shit was a lot easier said than done for a lot of folks.

I’d run into a guy who, like me, was in his mid-thirties and just now feeling the bisexual pull and he’d wonder where the hell this came from… and I knew the answer even though it’s not the simplest explanation; just telling someone that anyone can find bisexuality at any time in their live doesn’t really answer the question although a lot of people I would say this to would accept the answer because, um, obviously, it found them. And while the question of where this came from and why is it happening to them was tough to take in, the question of what to do about it was a lot more difficult to answer and beginning with why they had this nearly overwhelming urge to have sex in this way.

I still have a hard time answering this one but it’s something I’ve seen in so many people when bisexuality awakens inside of them and now it’s all about what woke them up and I’d already learned that there was no one “thing” that could be pointed to in this and it made me change something I tended to believe. I used to say, “No guy wakes up one morning and decided that today would be a good day to suck a dick…” until I found out that, yeah – that actually happens and the questions just kept piling up, not just for myself but for others as well. I’ve often said that it’s not like I don’t know the answer because I do – I just suck at being able to explain it. The more I found out about bisexuality, the more questions I had and I’d figured out that this is actually a lot more normal than we think it is… but the way things are supposed to be pretty much says that it isn’t… which got me digging into why it isn’t… and the answers I found were… staggering but, okay, I worked through it all and, at least for myself, when I’d rhetorical ask why people react the way they do toward anyone who isn’t straight, the simplest answer was that they were told and made to believe this. Not that they were wrong to but I found that what they believed just wasn’t the whole truth about human sexuality.

People would ask me how they’re supposed to deal with all this and I’d tell them that it’s not all that easy but just accept that this is how you’re feeling and doing something about it, well, that’s a different bunch of things to be dealt with. I’d run into some who wound up into the sexual aspects and wondering how they got there… and they couldn’t blame it on the alcohol or otherwise being high, which had me looking for the answers to why and how booze could get someone to do something – and have fun with it – when, if they were sober, they wouldn’t do it or even really think about it. Then I found out why and, holy shit; all that did was add on to the stockpile of questions I had and those I’d field from others.

The what of bisexuality is “easy” to answer compared to trying to answer the why of it since, again, not everyone discovers this in the exact same way or at the same point in their lives and there are so many contributing factors that, whew, I really do wonder why I even bother to think about all of this… but I know why because if I question it, I’m not the only one who might and I’d seen a great many people struggle with these thoughts and feelings and asking questions that, in my travels, I learned the answers to even if in a general way. And, yeah, sometimes, in order to answer the questions, I had to tell someone how I knew the answers and, in effect, outing myself and with mixed results and some of them, politely, unpleasant. But, as something I had read a long time ago stated, “The truth will out…” and one’s questions about their sexuality needs to be addressed and answered and even I’ve had to admit that I don’t know all of the answers and sometimes I don’t even know where to find them or who does have them… but it hasn’t meant that I’ve stopped looking for them.

Because someone has to be able to answer them and on the real. The answers aren’t “one size fits all” because, unlike what a lot of people might believe, all bisexuals aren’t the same except in the fact that we’re bisexual and now it’s all about how and why we are and how those things make us a lot more different from each other and, of course, different from everyone else. It’s not all that easy for someone to accept that humans were very bisexual before and until we were told to just be heterosexual… or else. In a lot of ways, it’s too much information and highly detailed and in these times, eh, who really wants to be bothered with the details? Why is that guy or that gal feeling the way they are?

Easier to just say, “It’s how you feel…” which, duh, isn’t much of an answer is it? Or when they’re feeling “abnormal” about it, telling them that it’s very normal is the correct answer but, um, not a very complete one. Why is this happening to them now? Because it can and it can happen to anyone at any time and for any reason and even if it appears that there is no reason for this to be happening to them. And if this a “non-answer,” well, who really wants to get bogged down with the depth and breadth of the details? Not a whole lot of people but that’s okay because I know the answers even if I really do suck at explaining them. Occam’s Razor serves to put this in perspective: The simplest answer is the usually the right answer… except bisexuality isn’t that simple a thing to put answers to the many questions people have and I learned the hard way that once you start asking why, the more questions you wind up having to deal with until you get enough answers to either be okay with these thoughts and feelings or you need more answers and some of which no one other than yourself can answer… if you wanna be bothered with taking a very introspective look at yourself… and some people ain’t feeling that.

I’ve seen a lot of people asking questions about bisexuality… and asking people who usually wind up giving them bullshit answers or, really, their opinion more than anything that can be deemed as factual which, at one point, had me tell someone, “If you really wanna know about this, ask a bisexual and, who knows, they might even tell you why they are the way they are…” but that one person isn’t representative of all bisexuals because, again, we’re the same… and not really. The devil is very much in the details and covers a whole lot of stuff and, to be honest? If I had known how very deep this rabbit hole was before I started digging around and looking for answers, I wouldn’t have bothered with doing anything other than just scratching the surface and calling it a day.

But, alas, I did dig. And I write about it because someone has to and in as real of a way as possible and sometimes, simple just doesn’t cut it. When people ask what they should do about it, I answer their question with a questions: What do you want to do? Now it’s a question (ha, ha) of whether they can do it or not and when they ask how they can do it, well, I hate to tell you but you’re gonna have to figure that one out and the only and simplest thing I can say is that if it’s something you really want and need to do, you’ll find a way to do it. Doesn’t really answer the question, does it? I know how it can be done but, um, hmm, you might not like the answers so much depending on what else is going on in your life.

Why are you like this? Because people can be and it’s the way we’ve always been and no matter what the rules say. Why now? It happens and sometimes there’s nothing one can really point to. What are others going to say? Whew, ain’t no telling what they’re going to say; they might be okay with it and they might not. Truth… but even I think this is a pretty “lame” answer which can generate even more questions and many which are way too detailed for most sensibilities.

Okay, I’m done. I’ve been writing all of this and asking myself why am I doing it and it’s a question I really do keep asking myself and the answer is…

Someone has to do it and be real about it.

 
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Posted by on 24 August 2021 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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