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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Fitting In

29 Sep

I was reading a bi woman’s blog about fitting into society and some internal dissonance she felt, I guess, that made fitting in problematic. As I read, I got to thinking that a lot of bisexuals go through this… process since being bisexual isn’t a popular social or moral way to be and it – and other things about the bisexual in question – can be in conflict and not only wonder and worry about what other’s are gonna say about this but where they fit into every day life, personal goals, and other things.

When the current anti-bisexual shit got started, wow – talk about mass panic! So many people behaving and reacting like bisexuality was some new… quirk and exacerbated by the gay social issues coming to a long-awaited resolution for gay folks in America. I do remember reading some of the early riffing where someone said that it was bad enough that all this shit about homosexuals was taking place… and now there are bisexuals and bisexuality is real?

I was reading stuff from this faction that stank of paranoia and, most likely, responsible for the shift in the social strata from homophobia to biphobia and, I think, because you can’t look at someone and tell that they’re bisexual and not, stereotypically, the way you can look at some gay folks and tell that they are or, yeah, see them in public and being quite personal with someone. In a weird way, I could understand this reaction because I already knew what they were “just finding out:”

Anyone can be bisexual and unless they told you, you’d never know that they are. The anti-bisexual rhetoric got cranked up and exposing something else I already knew about: Worrying about what other people are going to say and/or do if they found out. Others got all into that “living two different lives” thing that disrupted their every day behaviors and that odd sense of paranoia that comes in the form where you just know that everyone who sees you knows that you’re bisexual. Bisexuality advocates joined the fray and from where I was sitting, they weren’t saying anything that, again, I hadn’t heard during the Homosexual War (and they still aren’t, by the way) and as a result, I started seeing a lot of stuff from bisexuals who were very worried about how they were going to fit into a society that “clearly” didn’t want them around any more than it wanted homosexuals around.

I’ve allowed that bisexuality changes a person either a little or a whole lot and a lot of those changes are internal more than they are external and, yeah, how they’re going to fit in becomes an issue for many as they ponder what they’re going to do (and I don’t necessarily mean having the sex) when the answer to that is kinda easy: Just keep doing what you’ve been doing and keep right on dealing with whatever stuff you’ve been dealing with. Yeah, okay – finding someone to do the nasty with becomes a great concern for many but as far as every day stuff goes? Nothing has changed, has it? From going to school to working to raising a family, none of that really changes but, yup, it sure feels like it does and more so as the social angst toward bisexuals increased and, sadly, many bisexuals started buying into the anti-bisexual rhetoric.

All that “straight privilege” crap didn’t help matters any and a lot of bisexuals developed “fitting in” problems because of the accusation of bisexuals acting like they’re straight; I remember calling bullshit on this one because – and as you’ve seen me write many times – we are straight… until we do something that isn’t. Again, being a long-time bisexual, I’d figured that out – and had to – given how so many people were, at the time, losing their shit over someone being gay and not wanting to believe that you really do “go both ways” and not just one way… but once society got this into their head (and it did so long ago), if being bisexual wasn’t “waved off” as some kind of a joke, if you revealed that you were bi, that meant you were gay…

And a lot of people still think this way as, as such, I can see how it can make fitting in a problem for some since they’re paying more attention to all this external crap and not thinking a whole lot about how to integrate their bisexuality into their every day lives and as I believe they should. You just go about your day as you’ve always done and, I’d say, more so since the people around you most likely have no idea that you’re bisexual and despite some stuff being said, they probably wouldn’t give a shit that you were… unless you told them that you’re bi. In those early moments, a lot of bisexuals came out… and many wished they hadn’t and to be dissed behind this, yep, pretty fucked up and put the question of being able to fit in on the big burner; it’s too easy to assume that if you had someone object to your sexuality, everyone is going to object to it… and sometimes even people who don’t know a thing about you or that you even exist.

It remains true, however, that even if you reveal yourself as a bisexual, you still have to do whatever it is you do every day albeit with some difficulty since getting your head handed to you for this is some very personal shit and this particular “knife” cuts deep. Friendships, associations, and relationships can be severely disrupted and does play into the fitting in problem and I’ve seen being rejected because of this affect people badly and to the point where they renounce their bisexuality, only to find that once it’s out, there’s no taking it back and, as such, exacerbates the fitting in thing even more; it will continue to do so – and whether you’re out or not – and I’ve learned that this is because of the external concerns and the focus on these thing when you still gotta do whatever it is you do every day.

I’ve lived my life knowing that there are people who, to be nice about, aren’t fond of the fact that I’m not straight and, on the whole, there aren’t that many people close to me who knows that I’m not all that straight and I’ve never told them because I didn’t – and still don’t – want to be bothered with their bullshit-laden rhetoric and, with some, their abject ignorance. Maybe in the back of my mind, that part of my moral compass might be shitting itself worrying about what someone else is going to say but, I’d say, consciously, eh, I don’t much give a fuck because I do have more important things to be concerned with… like going about my day and as I have been doing all along.

Knowing that there are and will be those who’d give you shit about being bi is something to be… noted. Same with the uptick in racism; you note it and, uh-huh, go about your day like you do every day. Some might say that this is easier said than done and I’d say that if this what you think, it’s probably because too much of your attention is on all this negativity and you’re allowing it to fuck with your ability and, indeed, need to fit into society in some way so that you can go about your day… and like you’re supposed to. Yeah… I’ve had to deal with people asking me all that “what if” stuff about being found out as a bisexual and I’ve always been of a mind to deal with it if/when I have to and with the “option” of not dealing with it at all.

Like, did my being bi affect my job? If it did, I never noticed it and, besides, my attention was totally focused doing my job and not getting fired and all that. In my 20+ year career, I actually only had one person ask me if I was gay… and because I’d gotten an ear pierced. One. Out of the hundred or more people I worked for and with every day. One. Did I fit in? Sure did… because I had to and I didn’t have to put my sexuality “on the back burner” to be able to do it or have any thoughts about it causing me any employment issues and, yeah, I suppose, being able to “sit back and laugh” because except for that one guy, no one knew that I was bisexual and it was none of the business to begin with and those around me who did know also knew better than to give me any more shit about it than they already did and even when some did, their position was, “Whatever makes you happy…” and I was good with this because one of the things I’m supposed to be doing on a daily basis is that which makes me happy and worrying about how my bisexuality was going to “fuck shit up” is definitely not trying to be as happy as humanly possible and despite pockets of resistance that exists everywhere.

People are gonna keep pitching a bitch about bisexuality; you note it and keep doing whatever you’ve been doing to fit into society at large. Most of my career was spent being the only Black guy in the group; didn’t faze me in the least bit even when someone would passive-aggressively point that out to me by asking how it feels to be the only Black male in the group… and I guess, expecting some bitching and moaning about it… and being disappointed when I told them, truthfully, that I ain’t got time to be bothered with that crap and if someone has a problem with it, that’s on them… and they’d be wise not to get in my face about it. I remember when the company created their diversity program to comply with the laws about it… and the interviews I had to go through were… interesting. Questions ranging from race to religious beliefs, political position and, yeah, sexuality were asked both generally and personally and with the focus upon whether or not I felt the company was doing right by me and my only complaint was about… office politics… because any dissention over or about any of the other stuff they wanted to know about wasn’t something I paid a whole lot of attention to because not only did I have to continue to fit in, I had to keep doing what I had to do every day. Go to work. Put up with my job’s stuff. Go home. Deal with being a husband and father. Repeat. Yep, get some dick when opportunities presented themselves. Keep repeating and, all along, with the understanding that there are people out there who aren’t going to like me for some reason.

And don’t ever waste any time worrying about whatever they have to say because to do so would greatly impair the necessity to fit into society at large. I’m very damned bisexual… and there isn’t a damned thing anyone can do about it and if they don’t like it, they don’t like it. I’m not going to allow anyone to “cast me out” because there’s something different about me and, in this context, because I’m not exactly straight or gay: I am bisexual. Nothing to see here and mind your business. I don’t worry about not fitting in because of my sexuality because I really don’t “look like the type” and more so when “the type,” in this, can look like and be anyone and can be someone you know and, yeah, you sure don’t know this about them and, yes, there is a reason why I tell people not to ask me questions that they really don’t want to know the answer to – and I know there’s a chance that they’re really not gonna like the answer.

And I keep going about my every day stuff and fitting in nicely… because to not do it doesn’t make any sense and it sure as shit does not make any sense to let all the external negative rhetoric bother me and get in the way of, one, being myself and, two, fitting in because, duh, I’m supposed to. I have to. And that includes everything there is about me from my sexuality to my race to the fact that I have a disability. People talk. Everyone has an opinion about such things and some of them just ain’t nice. Those not-nice people are summarily ignored because I have more important shit to be concerned with other than their ignorant ranting and raving over something they have proven not to know a damned thing about and as evidenced by many of them calling us out as being gay.

The bad news is that many bisexuals from all walks of life are letting this shit get in the way of them fitting in and like they have to and they have a lot of internal dissonance going on because they’re giving the bullshit way too much weight and importance instead of doing what they gotta do each and every day and being the best bisexual they can be and with the very real understanding that there are a lot of people who don’t and won’t know that you’re bisexual until you tell them that you are. Some people are very intuitive and they just know that there’s something different about you and some are intuitive enough to know exactly what that difference is… and there’s not a whole lot you can do about that and it doesn’t become a problem until they say something to you about it; some will and some just won’t. For many, being bisexual has made them paranoid that not only is everyone gonna find out that they’re bi, everyone is going to kick their ass for it or try to cast them out in some way.

The bad and sad news is that this internal dissonance is… fairly normal and, indeed, caused by all the anti-bisexual and remaining anti-gay rhetoric going around and gets me to asking those who are being bothered by it – and hampering their need and ability to fit in – “Why are you paying so much attention to this shit? Don’t you have something better to do? Why are you even listening to it?” It’s still normal to listen to it and take it to heart, as it were until, at some point, they realize that they shouldn’t be doing that because it’s not the naysayers who are disrupting their every day life: They’re doing it to themselves and some stop doing it – and about a whole lot of things about themselves – and some just aren’t able to and tend to wind up in therapy so they can be told how to fit in… and like they should have been doing all along.

Really… do I “fear” being evicted from my home because I’m bisexual? Being denied healthcare because I’m bisexual? I no longer work but did I fear not being able to get another job because of my sexuality and when I had to before my stroke fucked that up? More important, did I fear or worry about what anyone close to or around me might say if they knew I was bisexual? The answer to all of the above is… no. I still gotta do whatever it is I do every day and whether others think I fit in or not and since I do fit in nicely to society at large, why should I give a fuck about the shit that insists that I don’t and can’t fit it… because I’m not straight and I’m not gay? Just because it’s their problem doesn’t mean I’m going to allow it to be my problem; they can try to but I’d advise against it and as some have already found out that fucking with me about my bisexuality isn’t ever going to be tolerated by anyone.

That’s me and always has been. Others have learned and are learning to just be themselves and do what they gotta do in the face of all this adversity; sadly others have not. I read what the woman had to say and I’d not say that she didn’t have some real-life stuff to be worried about… but her bisexuality shouldn’t be one of them nor should it factor into her being able to fit in wherever she needs to fit in and, really, none of the other stuff she mentioned should either. But it’s normal. Gonna keep plaguing folks until they learn that the only thing that really matters is continuing to be themselves and keep doing what they gotta do each and every day.

 
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Posted by on 29 September 2021 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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