Of all the “issues” connected with and to bisexuality, finding someone to do the deed with is, hands down, one of the hardest things to do. It doesn’t take a whole lot for one to decide what they want to experience; many bisexuals on the verge of taking the plunge tend to know exactly what they want to experience and how they want to while some are of a mind to try it all then sort it all out to find the thing or things they like the most.
If only they could find someone.
Some looking to plunge are looking for someone who, like them, have little or no experience while others are looking for someone with a “PhD ” in things same-sex and, of course, there’s the whole thing about the devil you know and the one you don’t to be taken into consideration. The “Hearts, Not Parts” gang is all about putting the person first and downplaying interest in the parts and, I feel, not really thinking about the fact that when you want to have sex with someone, you usually and generally want to know something about them and enough to be able to make as informed a decision as possible in order to get naked with them.
Among some men, however, um, being all into the guy isn’t something they’re interested in; for them, just pull out the dick but, yeah, if homey has been deemed to be okay to do something with and, of course, depending upon how one goes about determining that. At the least, if the guy in question isn’t their idea of an asshole, okay, they can do something and coming back for more of the same is optional and open to be negotiated. Among others, some being into is a mandatory requirement first and foremost and that’s fine except there are a lot of men who don’t wanna go there all that much; they’re either already trying to manage an emotional relationship with someone or they just might feel that being “overly emotionally involved” with another guy is “too gay” for their sensibilities or not worth the effort and the potential for drama.
The “current” options are NSA or FWB sex and with FWB sex “taking the lead” and, I think, it’s very much in line with the rule that says the only allowable sex is relationship sex and, of course, the FWB model is about being more than just friends and the benefits are, well, you know what they are. In the recent past, the FWB model was about all of the benefits but none of the responsibilities that traditional relationships mandate and while many can just have sex without having those more deeper emotions getting unlocked, some people can find themselves being unlocked even if/when they’re not trying to go there and especially if the sex is really good, not to mention how much the FWB lovers eventually find out about each other. The thing or, really and probably, the main thing is that it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to jump into bed with someone you just don’t like and can’t find a single thing likeable about them as a person which kinda takes us back to the devil you know and the one you don’t… and some folks just don’t have the time or patience to deal with the devil they don’t know so they can become the devil that they do know.
Preferences. I’ve been privy to the preferences of a lot of people and, um, wow and whew: They can be quite involved and specific and usually not subject to change. That everyone has them isn’t at issue so much except if you live in the US, you’re looking for one person out of 350 million people so the odds of finding that one person who exactly meets your preferences gets pretty interesting, to be nice about it and more so when and as I’ve seen, people create the ideal person in their mind and, um, that person might not exist or, whew, is one of over 3 billion people currently alive and kicking on the planet. Adding to the problem of finding someone is… settling for less than what you want, a sentiment I hear a lot. If you’re not of a mind to have a minimum set of requirements and stick with the maximum requirements, your chances of finding someone to do the nasty with become severely limited and even more improbable given the stupidly high number of legal adults you could potentially have sex with worldwide.
Being stubborn about that which you prefer ain’t gonna get you laid. This is yet another of those, “Yeah, but…” things, by the way; folks know that they’ve set the bar very high and that by doing so, they’re not doing themselves any favors… but they have the right to want exactly what they want… and then they really do expect to find that one person and “close enough for government work” just isn’t good enough because that means that they’re settling for less than what the want and deserve.
As I mentioned somewhere along the line in another scribble, when a guy tells me that we’re incompatible because my dick is shorter or longer than that which he prefers, I’m thinking that something ain’t quite right in this; when I had a guy tell me that I was too tall for him, I went from being totally dumbfounded to laughing so much and so hard I pulled a muscle in my side. And he was serious, too, and didn’t appreciate me finding this preference of his as hilariously – and painfully – funny.
Even with sexuality not being an issue, I’ve seen people setting the bar very high and, clearly, it’s been set too high because they’re almost constantly wondering why they can’t find someone to be intimate with; when you set the bar so high that no one can reach it, what do you think isn’t going to happen? When you start disqualifying people over what could be seen and construed as nitpicky things like only trimming your pubic hair versus shaving it bald, chances are that you won’t be plunging anytime soon.
Attraction. Whew. Cityman and I often broach this topic when he tells me about a guy who hit him up and in right in his preference wheelhouse but says that the guy’s been disqualified because he’s not attracted to him… and I’ve said several versions of, “What the fuck? Are you planning on marrying him or something?” Talking about this is like walking a minefield, blindfolded, and in near total darkness because everyone has their own idea of what’s attractive and what isn’t… and many really do expect that attraction to be instantaneous and if not, you’re disqualified. I get it but it also seems to me – and I could be wrong – that when you’re looking for someone to plunge with and attraction is a major thing, understanding that instant and immediate attraction, um, well, it doesn’t work the way everyone thinks it should and if you look at the prospective lover and don’t have an orgasm at first sight, now it’s about finding something that’s attractive enough about them in order to get your cookies crumbled… and some folks don’t wanna be bothered with that.
Like I’ve said to Cityman and so many other people, your eyes can and will deceive you; don’t trust them. It doesn’t make you feel good to have someone kick you to the curb because you’re a few pounds overweight or you aren’t clean shaven or a plethora of physical attributes that doesn’t fit someone else’s idea of being attractive. Someone asked me – a long time ago – whether it mattered to me what the other person looks like and were, I think, perplexed when I said that it didn’t matter to me what they looked like because the thing I find attractive about people is where their head is about stuff. Even Cityman asked how I managed to have as much sex as I’ve in my life and I think he was a bit perplexed when I said that I don’t make decisions about sex based on what I see; just because it looks good doesn’t mean that it is good and, yeah, things that don’t look all that sporty are surprisingly good, you know, if you can look past what can be seen.
I get a lot of that “I don’t like guys/gals like that!” and my response to this is, “Who says you have to? You just gotta like them enough to have sex with them.” It’s a loaded question because the way sex is supposed to be taken care of says that you have to like them and be physically attracted to them and, of course, there’s a reason for this that I think a lot of people don’t know about but this is the way it’s supposed to be and the “only” requirement, as it were and that’s what most people run with even when they find out – and they always find out – that their idea of what’s sexually attractive ain’t getting them laid and usually because they’re not of a mind to rethink and adjust this. They don’t have to but, um, well, if you’re bi and still looking for someone to be intimate with, what does that tell you? And if you know that you’ve been overthinking all of this, why haven’t you changed some stuff?
Sigh. Cityman and I get to talking about this and I’m not sure he really believes me when I tell him that finding someone to get busy with was a whole lot easier than it is today. It really was as simple as, “Hey, do you wanna do it?” and either you did or you didn’t but, uh-huh, you usually did. Yes, things got… iffy when you’d run across the devil you didn’t know or the one you didn’t know a whole lot about but as long as either devil was okay with you, sure – when and where and even a brief discussion about likes and dislikes. Didn’t matter if the guy was GQ-handsome or butt-ugly; as long as they wanted to do something and they weren’t an asshole and, hopefully, didn’t turn into one once the clothes came off, sure, we can do something. I don’t know about anyone else’s experiences but I found that the people who were really fun to have sex with… were the people other folks didn’t think were attractive in some way or the other. Did it matter if a guy had a big dick or a little one?
Nah, not really and because it’s not the size of the boat but the motion of the ocean and all that. If he or she wanted to do what you wanted to or you could do what they wanted to do, it would get done and if it was good, let’s do it again, shall we? Like I told Cityman, I’d often wind up turning people down and not because they were my idea of an asshole or cunt but because there were “too many” people who were more than willing to get naked with me. Really, there’s only so many hours in a day… and there’s always other things that require one’s full attention like working and other stuff like that.
The bottom line in this is that if you make trying to find someone hard for yourself to do, you’re not going to have any success finding them. I hear guys (and some gals) saying that they can’t find someone to get busy with when what they really mean is that they can’t find someone who, at least on the surface, doesn’t and cannot meet their preferences and it kinda baffles me how a guy can prefer a huge dick when they haven’t had an average sized dick of any dick, period. Yeah, it’s what they want and what they prefer – I get it but it’s not like there isn’t a slew of such very well endowed guys out there so, um, tell me again why you can’t find someone?
Folks get iffy about “shitting where they eat” and, yeah, I get that; the fear of being outed is great and in closely-knit places, it’s probably not a good idea to have everyone knowing your business in these things and as what things can be like in such places. For them, looking outside of their local environs is the thing to do but there remains the “problem” of finding someone out there who meets all requirements and with little or no exception. Again, when you make it hard to do, you ain’t gonna get any and, yeah, it’s your fault more than it is whoever failed to meet your very exacting requirements.
Hell and damnation: Some folks can’t find someone because they’re not doing a damned thing to try to find someone and that’s the part that really bakes my noodle. They don’t want to use any of the apps and aren’t of a mind to “go on the hunt” or are all that willing to be hunted. If you do nothing, you get nothing; I’ve said this to a lot of guys and they’ve said, “Yeah, you’re right, but…” and followed by a very long list containing every reason they can think of as to why they’re not in the game and either hunting for “prey” or being hunted as “prey,” to use this very apt analogy.
It’s not very damned likely that the Bi Fairy is going to fill your request for someone and drop them off like you ordered that someone from Amazon. We had a saying back in the day: You gotta bring ass to get ass and while that was usually associated with fighting – you can’t kick my ass without bringing your ass to get kicked, too – it’s applicable to the way some folks go about trying to find someone they can be sexually bisexual with. A great many people are severely risk-adverse; not without reason, mind you, but as I’ve mentioned time and time again, practically scared shitless over things that can be mitigated, minimized, or flat out eliminated with the application of some common sense.
I would say that for myself and in the majority of times, if I say no to someone, it’s because they’re my idea of an asshole or a cunt. Their personality or mindset is unattractive or in a place where I don’t want to be bothered with trying to work with since a lot of people tend to be quite rigid about that which they prefer. I don’t discriminate – unless you’re that asshole or cunt. Nothing matters more than where your head is about things and your desire. It’s not even about how good one is doing whatever; I’ll take enthusiasm over experience any day. If you want to and I want to, let’s see what we can do; I’m willing to negotiate until we can come to terms about things because I’m all about making it easier than I am making it harder… or damned near impossible. So what if you’re not of the “Ken and Barbie” type? Doesn’t mean shit to me. Not all that experienced? I can help you with that and it’s not a deal-breaker as far as I’m concerned. Don’t have a dick hanging down to your knees? Not as tight as a virgin (if you’re female)? I could care less about that; what I do care about is your desire and where your head is about this and a lot of other stuff.
It’s not that there are those who go about this in a similar way that I do; it’s that there are a whole lot of people who haven’t figured out that the harder you make this for yourself, the less likely you’re going to find someone because there are an untold number of people who’d pretty much do whatever you wanted to get that chance to do something with you and if you’re willing to put in the work that’s also required. Reasons and preferences should be respected but, yeah, those same reasons and preferences just might be the reason why you can’t find someone.