And by that I mean back in the late 1990s and once the World Wide Web was easy to search for information, I ran across two written articles about how to suck dick.
One was written by a woman and the other was written by a gay man and, at first, I thought they were the same article with some stuff changed to reflect the respective authors’ points of view but, no, two different articles about how to pleasure a guy with your mouth, lips, tongue and, yes, even including a hand or two.
Both articles were very well written and with many of the same tips, tricks, and techniques being employed and including how to deep throat and all of it aimed at giving pleasure and being able to take pleasure in the giving and as if giving a guy a blow job was one’s most solemn duty and that there was no other reason to give him one other than for his pleasure… and I had a “problem” with that since I knew that I wasn’t one of those guys who sucked dick just to make the other guy a happy camper. I hadn’t learned or grasped the concept of oral fixation at that point in time and something I learned I have a very “bad” case of when it comes to oral sex but while both articles, again, spoke to how to suck a guy’s dick and wind up having to peel him off of the ceiling, the way they were both written had me asking, “Well, what does one get out of focusing all of the pleasure on him other than knowing that he was giving the best blow job possible?”
I had read both articles a few times and felt that, really, only one such “how to” article would serve regardless of sex or sexuality since, again, they were very similar in what to do and how to do it and with emphasis on taking as much time as needed to get him off while also emphasizing patience. Both articles also spoke to how to acquire the taste of semen and the tips and tricks to be able to swallow it and even how to get used to having something, um, in your mouth like that: Brush your teeth and the more foamier the toothpaste, the better and, um, yeah, I actually stopped reading and went to brush my teeth… and they were right about what they were saying about this.
What neither article spoke to was… reciprocation. Okay, so I knew how much work went into sucking a guy’s dick and getting him to cum and had learned those tips, tricks, techniques, etc., via on the job training, like how to suck a guy’s nuts without causing him any undue pain. I grew up with the thing that if I sucked a guy’s dick, it was a given that he was going to suck mine, too, but the thing that “bothered” me about both articles was the total focus on making it supremely good for him even if you encountered… difficulties in the doing. The other “problem” I had was the overall premise both articles spoke to that implied that the guy would “just lie there” and let you do your thing and a notion that, when I read it, had me rolling my eyes a little because, sure, some guys knew to just kinda/sorta be still – and as much as that winds up being possible – while others were of a mind that their, ah, help was needed. Both articles did mention that if he, um, if he wanted to help you, well, just let him do whatever since sucking his dick was all about him.
Yeah… not feeling that then or now. Reading those articles gave me the impression that sucking a guy’s dick should make one feel honored or something along those lines. While neither article spoke to reciprocation, neither of them really spoke to exactly why one should worship homey’s dick and to the exclusion of all else except the insistence that this is the best way to give head and deliver satisfaction. Going forward after reading those different but very similar articles, it really had me thinking about whether I was sucking dick “for the right reason” or not – and not that I was really questioning this, mind you, but I just love to be able to take something like this and break it all down and I couldn’t get away from the “simple fact” that the only reason to suck a guy’s dick is because you like or love doing it… and not necessarily because he’s demanding or insisting that you do.
I’d gotten to thinking about the many times I’d had a girl/woman ask, “If I give you a blow job, what am I getting out of it?” Answering this question by saying that they’d get the pleasure of making me a happy camper wasn’t exactly the answer to the question and knowing this had me asking myself, “Well, what do you get out of it other than the obvious?” – and the “obvious” being a mouthful of warm, salty spunk and the satisfaction of a job well done and done well. I really had to think about that and more so given the many times I’d heard people ask or opine about why a guy would even want to suck another dude’s cock to begin with and more so when guys had the very bad reputation of being assholes about it and, yep, one of those things learned along the way.
Both articles didn’t say a whole lot about what to do if/when things became unmanageable other than to knuckle down and keep at it because this wasn’t about you and I very much begged to disagree about that and given the many times I’d knuckled down, kept at it, made him deliriously happy and not feeling so happy about it myself. Serious – this is supposed to be fun, right? Not just for him but for me, too, right? By and large, it was fun for the both of us and the not-so-fun times were far and few between… but I couldn’t seem to get past the premise of those articles saying that when you suck a guy’s cock, it’s all about him and that you should be willing to do it for him whenever he wants it. I realized that the articles were more idealistic than realistic and written from the perspective two different authors; good things to know from a “how can I do this” perspective but, perhaps, not all that helpful outside of theory.
I remember showing a woman both articles… and it didn’t take her long to start laughing her ass off and more over the one written by a woman and she agreed that, if you wanted to be real about it, there was no need for two such writings. She was pointing out things in both articles that, as a sucker of cocks, she would never do and sentiment I’d heard echoed by other women (and men) and she really got to laughing uncontrollably over the parts that said that sucking his dick should always be about him and that should be your only reason to suck dick. She had said that this sentiment alone is what makes it a chore that one doesn’t always feel like being bothered with and didn’t say a thing about favors being returned.
She had said, “You either love doing it or you don’t and if you don’t, you can bet the house it’s because some dude made you not love it. Technique and all that shit is all well and good but if you’re not of a mind to blow him and it’s not going to be fun for you, too, these articles are just some pie in the sky bullshit!”
I’d found myself agreeing with her but I hadn’t quite figured out exactly what makes giving head so much fun – then I stumbled upon being orally fixated and it all came home to roost for me even though the article I read mostly talked about things like chewing gum, smoking, and even eating foods. It didn’t take a whole lot to see how sucking dick (or eating pussy) played into this fixation as well and more so when the articles also spoke to one of the first things we learn how to do when we’re born: Sucking on a nipple. Knowing this answered the question of “what do I get out of doing it” rather nicely although it made me feel “kinda bad” to fully understand that my purpose wasn’t totally about giving the other person a whole lot of pleasure and more so when, duh, even if they made giving them head a “nightmare,” it sure as fuck felt good to give it.
Those articles from way back then meant well but they didn’t tell the whole story and didn’t answer the question of what you get out of it other than making the other person happy… or, at the least, trying to. The what of it is “easy” but the why of it – and, again, other than making the other guy very happy – went by the wayside and, I think, the articles were more for those who were already cocksuckers but not all that good at it or wanted to be better. Both articles had “romantic overtones” to them; it wasn’t just a labor of love but something to be done magnificently because of love and I had thought that, okay, that makes sense unless you weren’t in love with the guy or didn’t care for him like that… but you wanted to get at that dick just the same. The one written by the gay man was “syrupy sweet” in its more romantic overtones but, again and again, didn’t seem to address the “mindset” required to suck the cock of a guy that, if nothing else, you just merely liked or was sexually attracted to.
If those articles were to be written today – and if I were… motivated to write one – it would be very different. It’s why that, when I write about this stuff, I rarely – if ever – write about how to suck a dick because one pretty much has to find out how they can best do this. I would tell newbies to this and when they asked how to suck my dick, “Do it like you’d want it done to you…” and, of course, provided they’d ever been sucked before but most guys had so that wasn’t much of an issue. And it worked. Some refinement needed but the thing that the articles didn’t say much about was, “Don’t think about it – feel it.” Technique and all that is what it is but if you’re thinking about that, you’re not feeling it. The articles sought to “teach” people how to be good at it and depending on what “being good at it” meant to the reader and in rather general terms but if I hadn’t learned anything about giving head, it was that you had to want to be good at it, that you had to have that strong desire to do it; otherwise, all the technique in the world wasn’t going to make doing it good for you… and the only thing you’d get out of it is a mouthful of warm, salty, spunk.
You can feel good about having made him feel good; there’s this sense of accomplishment that can be felt but if sucking a guy’s dick doesn’t make you feel really good, then you’re just going through the motions and if you’d even want to be bothered doing that. The articles told a reader how to make the other guy feel good… but not how to make themselves feel good about doing it. I would guess that at the time they were written, perhaps this wasn’t that big of a concern or the scope of the writings weren’t intended to get this deep into the matter… and I thought that was a “mistake” back then and it’s still a mistake today if there are folks out there writing about how to suck a dick and it’s all about making the guy you’re sucking happy.
Because if you’re not going to be happy and, dare I say, thrilled to do it, maybe you’ll make him happy and maybe you won’t and I’ll say dependent upon whether or not he’s able to be observant enough to pick up on the fact that you’re not having fun trying to get him to cum. Just going through the motions while employing whatever techniques you’ve learned along the way and then sitting back after all that work, looking at him grinning like an idiot or some other post-ejaculatory expression and wondering why you even did it to begin with. Many years later, I was talking to a guy about sucking dick and what it took to be able to do it; his side of the conversation was about technique and I allowed that technique does play into being able to do this… but if you don’t have the passion and desire to do it, you don’t have much of anything and you’re probably not going to get a whole lot out of it other than, well, you know. That same guy appeared to be miffed with me when I said that when I suck dick or eat pussy, I’m not doing it for the other person’s satisfaction alone… and he had the temerity to call me selfish and even implied that I was giving head for the wrong reason. He didn’t seem to be able to understand when I said that when it came to someone going down on me, I appreciate enthusiasm more than technique because technique can be taught… but enthusiasm can’t. The desire to give head cannot be taught; you have to feel it. and not all that dissimilar to the hunger I feel when I’m about to go down on someone. Yeah, I’m seriously orally fixated and I understand that… now. But in the early goings? Just the thought of going down on someone would induce feelings in me that until I did it, would make me want to jump out of my skin… and I’m still very much like that.
And that’s the thing those 1990-era writings didn’t say much about. Not sure if anything written today even gets into this most important aspect of giving head, be it sucking dick or eating pussy or both if that doesn’t matter to you as long as you can do it. It’s technique-driven but without having that passion and desire to drive the technique, if you give head and feel like you’re not getting anything out of doing it, well, perhaps you have something to think about, huh? And if, once upon a time, you had this passion and desire but, today, ain’t feeling it all that much, ask yourself why you don’t – and then ask yourself what it is you have to do to recapture this, not for them but for yourself.
In all of the times I’ve been asked what I get out of giving someone head, I have the hardest time trying to explain it because it’s not easy to put words to those very specific and rather intangible feelings. It always boils down to me saying, “It makes me feel seriously good to be able to do it. I love doing it. I could do one or both every day, several times a day (and I have on a lot of occasions but that’s not really the point).” It’s a… hunger. No matter how “messed up” the other person might make doing it, the hunger, desire, and passion for giving head just remains. The question I have always asked myself after the fact – and no matter how the, ah, outcome was – is, “Did I have fun doing it to them?”
And the answer is always, “Yes… I had fun even if they didn’t think they did.” Oh, sure – I want it to be very good for them but I’ve come to understand that if that’s my only focus, I’m missing out on something that’s at the root of why I love to suck cock and eat pussy:
It makes me feel wonderful beyond belief. Being able to feed that constantly present hunger that lives inside of me and a hunger than feels like it can never be sated. The thing that those well-written and very technical articles didn’t say a damned thing about. Technique alone doesn’t make you good at it; it doesn’t hurt to be technically good at it nor does it hurt to feel that sense of pride that you are technically good at it… but if technique isn’t driven by desire and passion, what are you really getting out of it? Why won’t I write and publish an article about this? Because I know that this isn’t a one-size-fits-all kind of thing. Again, technique can be taught… but desire and passion can’t be taught; you have to feel it and I don’t know how to tell or teach someone how to feel it. I don’t know how to tell or teach someone to forget all the times they’ve given head and it didn’t end well other than to say don’t go there; living in the past like that will most definitely rob you of any joy you had or even want in the here and now. If you say to yourself, “I like/love giving head, but…” well, hmm, what are the exceptions and how much would you care to wager that if you have some exceptions that’ll follow the “but,” it’s probably because of something someone else did to steal your joy, to put out that fire that may have once been inside of you and now giving head is… a chore. Just going through the motions. Maybe even bullshitting yourself into believing that caring/loving/whatever the other person is a main thing to be considered. And the thought that if you’re doing for their pleasure alone, you might be doing it for all the wrong reasons since, um, you can’t give pleasure if you’re not getting any pleasure from the doing.
Those articles were both right and, eh, not so much because of what neither of them spoke to. Passion for it. The desire to do it. That intangible thing that you get out of doing it that has nothing to do with making the other person happy and as a reason to do it. Because if you’re not hyped to do it and you don’t get all edgy and itchy when you can’t do it, you’re probably not getting much of anything out of it… and now they’re happy… and you ain’t so much.