Somewhere and long down the road after I started specifically writing about this, I realized that I often wind up repeating myself even though my “write whatever you’re thinking about” way of blogging often, I found, had me doing this but from a different direction… and that was bothering me for the longest time but I eventually stopped bugging about it because the therapeutic value of getting stuff out of my head was deemed to be greater than annoyingly repeating myself.
Stay with me on this.
I spent the last two days writing some seriously long and involved blogs about falling into the rabbit hole that is bisexuality and, as I wrote them, I was very aware that I wasn’t really saying anything that I haven’t said before… but the conversation and topic, I also saw as I wrote, is circular; it’s something that just keeps repeating itself because of the generational effect: Every generation that has ever existed and will exist will wind up addressing bisexuality from scratch. This cycle of repetition hit my awareness when, by pure chance, I was talking to a male bisexual from my parents’ generation and he was telling me about the same kind of stuff that I, in my generation, was hearing and coming into contact with.
He had said, “When it comes to this, young buck, the only thing that changes is the people being affected by this bullshit. I’ll give you credit – you figured this out before most guys your age – and from my generation – managed to do so kudos to you.” As I continued to plumb the depths, I saw that he was right on the money which gave birth to the question of why we – societies at large – keep failing to learn from history and with the thought that if we were to get our head out of our own asses and get to smelling some coffee, we could, in effect, break the cyclic and repetitive loop I had become aware of and had had confirmed from those from my parents’ generation.
Yeah… like we are really gonna do that; it’s too much like right. The older guy had pointed out that every generation takes bisexuality and diminishes the social angst a piece at a time or, as every generation “discovers” bisexuality, it becomes more and more acceptable to those in the next generation… and I’ll be damned if I didn’t find out that he was right about that and as evidenced by the much more relaxed attitude about bisexuality that can be seen by both the last and current generation who have and do make it less of a big deal than my generation made of it.
He pointed out to me that the sexual revolution I was all caught up with also took place in his generation and the only difference was my version of it was a hell of a lot more all in society’s face than his version was. He said, “Y’all are running around and saying, “If it feels good, do it!” and, yessir, pissing off a lot of stuffed shirts by blatantly putting sex and sexuality right out in the open for everyone to see… but our version of this was more… covert but, still, a similar message was making the rounds; call it, “If you want to do it, go ahead and do it.””
He also said, “As you get older, you’ll better be able to see this repeating itself and through every cycle, there will be those who will eat away at the social bullshit a bit more and the people arguing against this will become even more of a minority; those who are in favor of bisexuality will, in some way, let society know that, in no uncertain terms, people like us are here and are here to stay.”
And I’ll be damned if he was, again, right on the money. I’d had this conversation with him way back in the mid 1970s and I was impressed with his understanding about this as well as the candid, no sugar added way he talked to me about this. He said, “Young buck (and it was hard for me to get my dander up over this term), you and I are men who have learned that having sex with men and women isn’t as bad of a thing as everyone says it is and unless I’m wrong about you, you’re starting to see that there’s a reason why everyone keeps saying that this is bad. The good thing is that you’re questioning it and, again, unless I’m wrong about you, you’re also finding reason to keep bucking the system and doing your thing as you see fit and need to.”
Damn… am I really that transparent? Which wasn’t the point because without him saying so, I understood that in every generation, there’s someone like me who becomes aware of the shit that’s been going on and starts digging into it while shamelessly having sex with men and women, not with impunity as such but because of the growing and greater understanding that it’s been like this all along. I had spent my entire day sitting and talking to him and it was like getting a much-needed master class; not in how to have the sex but how to make sense of the repetitive nature of things and most definitely a matter of history repeating itself. I was… kinda stuck on stupid to hear him say that in his generation, a lot of men were primarily cocksuckers but anal sex was right up there as well. I continued to be stuck as he talked about the many manly men he encountered who, when the clothes came off and dicks got hard, were quite “feminine” in their approach to having sex and that such men were determined to be quite gay.
And here I was, thinking that I had stumbled across some stuff that no one knew anything about… and feeling pretty silly to find that, nope, what I was seeing (and doing) wasn’t anything new at all but just things repeating itself. We got to talking about women and bisexuality and after everything thing else he had opened my eyes to, I wasn’t surprised to learn that the women of his generation had to deal with the same bullshit the women of my generation was dealing with. He had said, “The biggest difference between my generation and yours is that the women of my generation weren’t of a mind to speak out about the abuses they were subjected to but were continuing to be bisexual even though they were considered sluts and lesbians.”
Well, damn. I had had an inkling of an idea that all of the crap I was hearing was actually “more of the same but in a different way” things and this guy confirmed this for me. He had me laughing when he said, “The only thing that hasn’t changed over all this time is the sex, well, at the very basic level. Cocks get sucked and asses get fucked; pussies get eaten, fingered, and ‘fucked’ with, ah, devices suited to that purpose. What doesn’t change, young buck, is the immature attitude that’s apparent when it comes to people taking care of their need for sex. Do you want another cup of coffee?”
Down the road, I’d think about that man. He wasn’t exactly a mentor but he was someone who filled in a lot of the gaps in my knowledge and understanding and, again, confirmed that, in more modern terms, bisexuality is caught in a causality loop that just keeps cycling in a very repetitive way that just keeps eating away at our perceptions of love, sex, and relationships… and, yeah, he had a lot to say about that last thing, too. He had said, “If two people are in a relationship but they need something their partner couldn’t – or wouldn’t – provide, stepping to the side and getting it was the only thing to do even though those who did that would often wind up in a world of moral trouble. I’d wager that you’re seeing the same things but it’s much more pronounced than it was in my generation, right?”
Um, yeah. I didn’t even bother to ask him how he knew this because, duh, he lived through it and, by his own admission, was all up in it and shamelessly so. He had said, “Believe it or not, I’m just like you… only older. I have experienced the same things you are experiencing and learning about except in some slightly different ways when it comes to people continuing to believe that everyone has to be, how to y’all put it, straight. I knew it wasn’t the truth and now you and the others of your generation are finding out that it isn’t the truth. Am I right or what?”
He nailed it. He nailed something else I had noticed: There were more guys wanting to find out what it was like to have sex with a man. He had said that he, too, had noted an “explosion” of men sleeping with men and, once we compared noted, almost for similar social reasons. He had said, “The people raising hell about homosexuality don’t seem to understand that when you put people in a bad place – like not being able to get a job and other such things – it’s just ‘human nature’ to want to have sex so when you told me about all the guys you know looking to have sex with you and other guys, you’re really not telling me anything I didn’t know already. It’s not your fault, young buck; this is me telling you that when you look at the big picture, nothing has really changed except for the fact that going both ways just gets a bit more acceptable and just keeps chipping away at the things that says that this should not ever happen. Am I right or what? I’ll be back – I gotta take a leak.”
I felt like my head was going to explode from having all of this knowledge and wisdom crammed into my head and felt some kind of way to finally understand that what I had been experiencing and learning was, truly, nothing new and that he was right when he said that the only thing that really changes are the people involved. The issues are the same for both sides of this argument; he had said, “It’s the same bullshit over and over but dig this: You can’t stop change from happening. You can slow it down but little by little, change is going to happen. One of these days – and when you’re an older buck like me – you will see change happening one step at a time and I’d say that you’ll also see more people like us – and just as I did when I was your age.”
I was wondering where he hid his crystal ball. I did, indeed, get older and was seeing the things he had mentioned decades before. It just keeps repeating itself but with the “strange” result that the more bisexuality stuff keeps repeating, the more it eats away at the moral sensibilities that are against such sexual behaviors. He had said, before I took my leave of him, “I’ll bet that you’re so much like me that one day, you’ll figure this out and just as I found myself doing. I don’t know what you can do about it once you figure it out but, again, if you’re like me, you’ll find a way to let others know that going both ways ain’t something new and that the issues about it are the same ones that also keep repeating themselves – just in different ways.”
So, um, if you’ve ever wondered why I repeat myself so much, now you know. I learned more from him over the course of a lot of hours than I had learned on my own. I was feeling… I don’t know what I was feeling that gave me the impression that he was… me. That bisexual guy who questioned everyone’s belief and didn’t care who got pissed off about it. He, in essence, was poking the bear and fighting city hall but, the most important thing I took away from our conversation was that this had happened before, that there were both men and women who saw through the social bullshit and not only kept doing what they had to do but putting out the word that society had it wrong when they said that people are either straight or they’re gay. Shit… that explained why, way back in my pre-teen days, I’d hear a lot of older people say and insist that nobody in the right mind would want to do both. I had mentioned this to him and he laughed… for a long time, too, and when he stopped laughing, he said, “Yeah, the old heads of my generation said that, too. But, young buck, you must understand – and you probably do now – that they were wrong then… and the old heads of your generation were wrong as well… but not as wrong as they were in my generation.”
I was greatly saddened the day I learned that he has passed away. We hadn’t or didn’t keep in touch with each other because there was no need to; he had passed on his knowledge of what it was like to be bisexual in his generation to me and, I guess, to that end, his job was done as far as that went. I now knew what he knew… and it wasn’t all that different from what I had been learning all along. It all keeps cycling along, repeating itself but the more it cycles and repeats, the lesser the social angst affects people. He knew this. He saw it. He lived it. What was “generational history” to me was just another Monday for him. The angst again anyone who wasn’t straight. Men and women doing whatever they had to do – and endure – in order to be the way they had to be in this. Knew that the more people had their backs against the wall for some reason, the more… open they could be about having sex even if for the purpose of relieving the stress of whatever the times were causing and, yeah, standing up for their God-given right to decide how best to do this and even if it meant defying the moral majority’s view of things.
And I find myself repeating myself… because this bisexual thing is circular. I was totally embarrassed when he “called me out” by saying, “How much do you wanna bet that I know what your favorite thing to do is?” And, yep, I was dumb enough to take that bet… and it cost me five dollars when he correctly said, “Your favorite thing to do is to suck cock and eat pussy.” As I handed over the five dollars – and realized that I had just fell victim to a sucker’s bet – I had blurted out, “How could you possibly know that when I never said anything about it?”
He said, “In my generation and among men, it was a guy’s favorite things to do and, I’m going to give away the farm and let you know that it’s my all-time favorite things to do, too. I’ll give away more of the farm and let you know that in the generation before mine? Sucking cock was the thing to do as well and eating pussy was right up there for a lot of men, not just because women were demanding that men do more of it but because it greatly satisfied a particular need. Do you see that this just keeps going in circles?”
I did see it and better than I had before. He actually gave me back my five dollars and, yeah, laughed at me for taking the bet in the first place and set me “straight” by telling me that while I was finding out about all of this – and especially about myself – he had been there, done that, and knew about the cyclic nature of it all. Man… talk about getting some knowledge laid on you. He would point out a lot of small differences that were environmental and shed a lot of light on that thing I was hearing that said we are products of our environments and because they change, the perceptions change as well. In the six or seven hours I spent talking to him, I got schooled and even had some of my perceptions changed or “corrected.”
“Find a way to spread the word, young buck,” he said as I prepared to go home. “You’re just as much a part of the cycle as I am and there will be others who will become aware of the cycle and someone like has to be in the middle of things to answer the questions that our childish society would prefer to remain unanswered.”
Yeah. That. I did spread the word and to anyone who cared to listen. The internet came along and allowed me to better spread the word and, yep, discovered blogging and learned that it was a good medium to keep spreading the word… and even if I keep repeating myself and, yeah, that man even knew that I would do just that… because it was something he found himself doing. Spreading the word. Telling the truth. Over and over and over. Taught me that this particular wheel just keeps going around and around and in every generation.
I had met him because he had placed an ad in the paper for someone to help him with some general maintenance kind of stuff and I need the work and the money so I answered the ad and got the job. I don’t quite remember how the topic came up but as I worked alongside him, it did and, yeah, I got schooled about some stuff that I had suspected but didn’t have any “proof” of… and he provided it. Later on, I realized and understood that he had a need to pass his knowledge on or, as we say today, pay it forward and to as many people who might be willing to listen. When I started to specifically write about this, I realized that I was starting to do what he had done with me: Spreading the word. Passing on or paying forward all that I had learned. Very much being a part of the cyclic, repetitive way of things and, indeed, being a part of the change that is slowly but surely closing the circle and effecting the change that will, someday, make any and all of this a non-issue.
I see it happening and just as he said I would. More and more bisexuals are getting out there and being bisexual and many are all up in society’s face about it and more than previous generations were… but they, too, were letting society know that the shit they believed about sexuality isn’t even close to the reality of it all. Even those bisexuals hiding out in their closets are a part of the cycle; even those bisexuals who feel that society and those around them are kicking them in the crotch about such things are a part of the cycle, too; even those bisexuals who worry themselves sick about this, that, or the other are a part of the cycle. The thing is that many of them aren’t aware of this… but I am and just like my not so much of a mentor was aware of it.
He told me. And now I’m telling you. There is someone somewhere in the current generation who is either doing the same thing or is about to do it… and the cycle continues. The generation after this one will be a part of the cycle and will, as I was made to do, understand that the cycle itself continues to exist because we really do fail to learn from history and, for those who are against anything that resembles homosexuality, they’re raging against something that is not only very damned real but something they can’t do anything about and, yeah, they keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result… and that’s not what’s been going on from one generation to the next and won’t be going into future generations.
I repeat myself because, well, I’m a part of the cycle and, yeah, it tends to make me a little cray-cray when I catch myself doing it but it’s also about what’s in my head at any given moment in time and, well, I keep repeating myself because I probably need to in order to do my part to spread the word:
Bisexuality is real. It’s always been a part of the sexual and sexuality reality. It always will be. It isn’t for everyone but it is for a lot of people… and I’m one of them. Part of the cycle of repetition and always have been and will continue to be.