For bisexual men, this is the Holy Grail to be able to find that one guy that they can be friends – and more than friends – with. That guy who, if you’re sitting and watching TV or just hanging out, you could say, “Hey, lemme suck your cock!” and he just smiles and whips it out then kicks back to enjoy the moment – that goes for any other sexual interaction and not just blowjobs but, yeah, a lot of guys want that one guy they can be friendly and very sexual with and, ideally, without all the drama and other shit that goes along with having to ask and convince a guy that having sex isn’t going to be something that will be regretted.
On the forum, the fellas talk about this… a lot. Whine, moan, groan, and complain about not being able to find that one guy. When sexual safety is the topic, the FWB seekers always chime in and give the guys who are okay with casual sex da bizness and chirping about how horribly unsafe that is and that it’s safer to have an FWB.
I sit back and watch this going on and, well, you know me: I want to get to the root of this to see what’s really going on and what I found is, well, interesting. Okay, so, when I first heard about this – and actually from women who had a friend who was more than just someone they knew in that casual sense, I worked out that the premise of having a friend with benefits was to be able to have all of the perks but none of the responsibilities that are involved in an actual relationship. Okay, I can see how that would and can work since being in a relationship – and as we all know and learn – can be a major pain in the ass and one that, if you could avoid those pitfalls, yeah, that’ll work.
I’d say that “version 1.0” of this had no stipulations for exclusivity and I looked at it as a “confirmed booty call,” to put it that way but, really, it was a thing that if the two people in this decided to see each other, they could hang and do other social things and if sex was on the menu, fine. Not a problem. See you when I see you. If nothing else, it was… convenient. One could have more than one friend because FWB bypasses the “monogamy clause” that everyone who is in a relationship is bound to, married or not. No limit to the number of friends you can have and, um, no limit to the number of friends one can have, either.
The running joke among those of us in the know is that when someone says they were talking to or hanging out with their friend, that some boots were getting knocked was going on since one of the long-standing rules says that it’s bad juju to have sex with a friend… but given that FWBs are special friends, that’s just another way to bypass the monogamy clause. I often wondered why people with friends just didn’t say they were getting their freak on with their part-time lover but, yeah, I know why – that would tell others that they’re getting laid (and usually a lot) and, well, that’s none of their business so let it suffice that they have a friend and you can think whatever you wanna think about that.
I found that an FWB could be more than just a dedicated booty call; they could, if arranged as such, be involved in other aspects that are also included as part of being in an actual relationship, like, helping out with repairs and stuff like that. But the defining aspect about FWB 1.0 was that there was no need for exclusivity to be implied or mandated but if things settled in like that, okay – not that big of a deal. All of this was, to me, becoming more of a thing that I started seeing it as one of the relationship modes and just as valid as the others are. Better than just being single and having to “sing for your supper” and dealing with all the bullshit and drama of dating but not as complicated as being married or shacking up with someone. All of the perks. None of the responsibilities. Definitely none of the drama about cheating on each other since FWBs are de facto free agents and more so when they’re not tied down with each other.
If it works, then it does. But in the world of male bisexuality, I was seeing a trend where guys were on the hunt for an FWB and making exclusivity a hard-set condition. Not in every case but I was hearing from other guys about having a friend that was getting too clingy – which isn’t supposed to happen since one getting into their feelings was grounds for the FWB relationship to end quick, fast, and in a damned hurry. Likewise, I was hearing from guys with an FWB about how bothersome it was to find themselves getting bitched out by their FWB for stuff like not being available to them when the FWB wanted the dick or, worse, giving them much grief because the FWB found out that his source of dick was out there giving the dick to other guys and not understanding that they could do that because, dude – I ain’t your boyfriend and we’re not in a real relationship.
Now, one of the things that has been a big part of male bisexuality is being able to get some dick in the preferred way without having to be bothered with anything that looks or smells like a relationship. In earlier times, a relationship was just too gay of a thing for most sensibilities or guys just didn’t want to be bothered with all the shit that comes with being in a relationship and for guys who were already in a relationship, having to deal with a second relationship was just too much to be bothered with; being in a relationship was bad enough but trying to juggle two relationships? Oh, hell, no! I just want to get some dick, have fun getting it, and go back to what I was doing and, yeah, without any strings attached.
FWB 2.0.1 – the male bisexual version – comes with strings. I get to see the preferences some guys have for their ideal FWB and when you get past some… bullshit, they don’t want that one guy they can be friends with and have sex – they actually want someone who is going to be invested and committed to them in their role of FWB. I wondered about this since such a twist in the FWB relationship model – and as I understood it – is just incompatible with the premises of the model so, as such, what’s really going with this push for committed exclusivity? It took me a while to figure it out and why those greatly in favor of having a committed FWB felt the way they did:
The only allowable sex is relationship sex. Part of the way things are supposed to be and according to our morals and, hmm, even if one is being morally immoral by being bisexual. Well, ain’t that something? I even wondered about that, too, and I saw that when it comes to these things, we tend to go with that which we know rather than to get into something we don’t know anything about and if we don’t know anything else, we know how relationships are supposed to go. I dug deeper and the sin of fornication got uncovered and I thought, okay, I get it (and not that I didn’t already but hang in here with me); a lot of guys whooping and hollering about having a dedicated and committed FWB being the best way to get some dick always cites how fucked up it is to engage in casual sex and, yeah, throwing the disease card around with near reckless abandon and while this is a real thing to be concerned about, well, there are some flaws in this that I also saw that these guys weren’t aware of…
And I also saw how… lazy those looking for an FWB were being. As I previously wrote some time ago, there are like 350 million adult males in the US alone and now we have a guy looking for his Mr. Right among those 350 million men and, well, do the math and more so when those searching for Mr. Right have some very specific qualifications that must be met and without exception. Then tack on the thing where those who are looking for Mr. Right aren’t willing to do whatever has to be done in order to find him… like getting out there and having casual sex with other men or, as I facetiously call it, “interviewing” men for the FWB job. Personally? I’ve found my “fair share” of FWBs… because we could establish this and because we had sex – casually – and found it to be to our liking and, yup, we need to be able to do this more often but without any strings attached. No pressure and no drama; if one of us was too busy to hang out, no big deal – I’ll see ya when I see ya and, yep, when I see you, the sex is going to be fucking amazing. But I could hang out with my FWB without sex being on the list of things to do since, because we had sex, we also became friends as well and the benefits were, at the least, implied if not mandated. If I knew my FWB could help me work on my car, I’d give him a call and if he was available, he’d show up and we’d get all greasy and sweaty working on the car and after we got done, he could go on about his business and there would be no griping about not having sex.
It seems to me, however, that there are a lot of bisexual men who are making the base FWB model more complicated than it’s supposed to be or as it was intended to be and the reason I discovered was that “allowable sex” clause that governs what is moral sex and what isn’t and, again, any sex that is outside of a relationship is considered to be the sin of fornication. It’s what we know and even if one isn’t aware that having sex outside of a relationship is a real-deal sin but I don’t know how someone would not know this because even I was told to never have sex with someone that I didn’t love or care for – and the relationship aspect was most definitely implied.
Now, I’m not saying that FWB 2.0.1 is a bad thing since it does, in a kind of backhanded way, satisfies the “thou shalt not fornicate” part of our morality but these days, when a guy is looking for a Mr. Right, he’s really looking for a boyfriend who he can have sex with in a less than casual kind of way… and exclusively so. There’s a big-time problem with this: Married men and guys already in a non-married relationship. This isn’t about infidelity so much as it exposes a flaw in the mindset where this is safer than picking up some guy at the local bar. See, a lot of guys are of the mind that having an FWB allows them to escape the sexual health issues… and it actually doesn’t and for one simple reason: When he’s not with you, you don’t know where his dick has been. For married men, okay – you have a duty and obligation to lay the pipe to your woman and if things are still like that so, yeah, you get a pass on that one but, as I’ve been hearing about, a lot of guys get bent out of shape if their FWB is discovered to be laying the pipe to, well, anyone else other than them. They think this is the safest way to go…
And they’re wrong about that. And, try as I may, I can’t get them to understand that. Married men, in particular and specifically, tend to prefer other married men but if a single guy can meet the requirements for FWB 2.0.1, well, okay, but, hmm, if he’s single, that means he’s free to sling his dick with anyone he wants to and whether it’s with their own FWB or not. I get that a lot of bisexual men are becoming more relationship-minded and, again, I’m not saying it’s a bad thing… but it remains to be true that the majority of bisexual men just do not want to be bothered with anything that looks or feels like a relationship. Let’s just go somewhere and have sex and leave it at that. If it was all that, yeah, I might wanna get some more of it but if it doesn’t happen, okay, fine – plenty of other dicks out there to be had.
I’m learning that in some situations, FWBs get clingy and for good reasons. For one, the sex is very good and for the other, the power of sex has unlocked them and their feelings. I know that my protege loses his shit whenever one of his FWBs starts to get clingy and even making unreasonable demands on his time and other activities and I’ve pointed out to him whenever he gets miffed by an FWB’s clinginess that if they get this way, it’s because of his ability to bring the noise to them in bed and in ways that will, ultimately, unlock their feelings and, as such, a more exclusive arrangement, as far as they’re concerned, is warranted and implied: They now want to be his boyfriend and with all the relationship responsibilities in play and being enforced.
Yeah… there are a lot of guys who don’t even want to be bothered with this. Cityman asks, and justifiably so, “Why can’t we just get together, share a meal, have a couple of drinks, then have sex if we want to – and without making it any more complicated?” It is a damned good question. We should be able to do this and without “the usual” complications but it goes back to what we know how to do better than we can do anything else: Be in a relationship and under the auspices of what being in a relationship means, implies, and mandates – and that brings on some responsibilities as well and one of those mandates is being monogamous and no infidelity is allowed. And if you understand the “original premise” of FWB, perhaps you can see how FWB 2.0.1 has… bugs in it and debugging it, well, let’s just say that I wouldn’t want to be bothered with doing that. It makes getting some dick even more complicated and more so if one part of the arrangement is getting into his feelings and the other part, well, they ain’t feeling that so much if at all. I very much recall Cityman telling me how one of his FWBs bitched him out for (1) having sex with another guy and (2) passing up the FWB for that and (3) not answering his calls so that the FWB could get that dick.
True enough, some guys do have FWBs and none of this relationship drama ever crops up… but it seems to me that it’s coming up more and more; I’m seeing where guys are feeling some kind of way when their FWB decides to move on or not be all that involved in this… and those guys behave just like they would if they got dumped by a woman and, yup, let even more drama begin. The thing I don’t think the guys clamoring and advocating FWB as a male bisexuality standard realize that, um, men aren’t women and trying to deal with other men in this way, well, that ain’t gonna work but this is another thing that, if we don’t know anything else, we do know how to go about dating women and trying to get them into our beds and, yeah, if there’s a woman who is willing to give up the booty but isn’t of a mind to be more relationship-minded about it, you can bet whatever you want to that there are men who ain’t feeling that either. I like to call it “repeat business” where you meet someone, agree to have sex and, wow, holy shit – that was fucking amazing and if we can do it again – and sooner rather than later – I wouldn’t object to that. Coming back for more of the same – and occasionally so or as the need calls for is nothing unusual… as long as it doesn’t get any more serious than that – and provided that level of seriousness would be problematic for someone like already being in a confirmed relationship or not being in one at all is the other person’s way to go about their life.
It’s not something that we don’t know about because it’s something we all have experience… because that’s just the way it goes. We do and continue to attach a great deal of shame and lay it on anyone who has the nerve to have sex with someone – or a lot of someones – and there’s no relationship in place. FWB 1.0 skirted this and rather neatly, I’d say but I also thought that one would be… stupid to think that they could be intimate with someone – even on an as-needed basis – and no other feelings would ever crop up and, as such, something more binding must be undertaken so that this semi-casual thing can be way more than that. I don’t know about anyone else but I know this FWB can be way deeper than some folks think it is. Some see it as being more… convenient that having to be out there and on the hunt for someone to have sex with… except, um, in order to be able to enjoy this convenience, you gotta go on the hunt for that one person who is of the same mind as you are about this. It kinda tickles me that guys are looking for Mr. Right… and in the same way women kinda/sorta do and, notably, not having sex on a first date and also requiring a level of having or feeling that attractive connection – aka, being into them – that is a must not only to establish a traditional relationshipbut also, now, to be someone’s FWB.
I get it… and it tend to make me laugh a lot if I’m not shaking my head and kinda stuck on stupid to see that these guys don’t seem to be aware of what they’re really asking for and seems to be mandating as a “hard set” rule for what it means to be male and bisexual. Again, at the root, relationship sex is good, non-relationship sex is very bad juju… and that fits nicely into our morality, doesn’t it as well as the push for levels of exclusivity that also plays into the monogamy clause that is mandated in our morality as well – just with a twist if the FWBs in question are already in a relationship. The thing I don’t think these guys are aware of comes in the form of something I heard long ago and something that took me a long time to make sense of:
Familiarity breeds contempt. On the surface, it doesn’t make sense and appears to be either a non-sequiter or an oxymoron – I could never tell which was which but that’s beside the point. But all I had to do was think about how relationships tend to go and the pure and simple fact that almost all relationships start with a big bang and, at some point, the honeymoon is over and thing settle down and the people involved become… indifferent about each other. Kinda hard to put into words but since I know there are those of you who have experienced this – and might be experiencing it now – you know what I’m talking about. The FWB model isn’t immune to this because no relationship can be. There are those who aren’t bothered by this aspect but they’re aware of it but, yeah, once the new wears off, things just get to be mundane, obligatory, and some measure of a pain in someone’s ass and just as the more traditional relationship models are subject to being dissolved – and sometime and maybe usually because familiarity does, indeed, breeds contempt – the FWB model is also subject to dissolution and more so when, duh, people do tend to change their minds about such things.
It served purposes to be someone FWB or to have one… and now it doesn’t. And, as such, it is subject to the same drama and chaos as breaking up with your wife or girlfriend can be… and I’ll be damned if I really understand why those who mandate FWB as the way to be would even want to be bothered with something that’s not really outside of being in a relationship to begin with. It’s not bad… but it’s not good either and many guys do not see being an FWB as being in a relationship at all…
And they’re wrong about that because being friends with someone – with or without benefits – is a relationship, too. It’s just a way to relate to and with someone that you, simply, like and get along with and with the understanding that friends do fuss and fight with each other and “kiss and make up,” too – or just part ways with no hard feelings or a lot of hard feelings. When the fellas start talking about whether you prefer an FWB or not, my answer is, “I prefer to have sex…” and whether it’s casual or not and I think I have a bit of an advantage because I know how to “juggle” multiple relationships thanks to 20+ years living a polyamorous life… and I’m pretty sure that there are a lot of guys begging for this who have no idea what’s involved. They understand the convenience of it and, yeah, they’re lazy about it and many behave like Mr. Right is just going to be handed to them and they don’t have to do anything to find and acquire their Mr. Right and, yes, they really do believe that this is the safest way to be bisexual.
What do you think?