Today, I’m going to scribble about one of my pet peeves when it comes to male bisexuality: Guys who jumped in the pool early in life but, in their adult lives, insist that what they did back then didn’t count or it didn’t mean anything.
One of the things I got into the habit of doing – and when interacting with another guy – is to ask them how they got started in this because, for one, I’m forever curious about a bisexual guy’s origins and, for the other, what they say about their origins tells me a lot about where their head is in this point in time. And I have heard so many men say that, yep, when they were younger, they fooled around with a friend, this or that happened but then qualify the activity as inconsequential – it didn’t happen; it didn’t mean anything or what they did then had nothing to do with whatever they wanted to do now.
I’ll admit that something about this, in the earlier adult times, went right over my head; I’d listen to guys telling me this and never got that, “Something ain’t quite right” message from Brain Central but I guess that over time – and after hearing this too many times, I’d reached a tipping point, got the message, and it prompted me to ask them, “Wait – why didn’t it count?” And the answers I’d get were of a kind that would get me doing that rapid blinking thing which was, for me, an indication that what they said didn’t make sense. Okay… what the hell is going on with this? Time to investigate!
Yeah… I probably didn’t have to; I could have just accepted their position that “it didn’t happen” and kept it moving but it really caught my attention – and because I liked to compare my origins against those of other guys – that even though I got started early, I never drew lines between what I did when I was young and what I was doing as an adult. To me, it was all and more of the same but for a lot of guys, nope – sure wasn’t. I was becoming aware of that “putting away childish things” thing that I would hear at church and combined with how our legal system (in the US) draws a big line between what one got in trouble for as a juvenile and whatever trouble they got into as an adult and, depending on the crime committed, one’s juvie record either got sealed… or wiped out of existence. Whatever you did didn’t happen. Slate wiped clean.
I would hear guys offer up the “I/We didn’t know what I/we were doing” defense; I’ve heard them explicitly state that because no cum was spilled, it didn’t happen or, for those who got exposed to anal sex, because no one could accomplish penetration, nothing happened. One guy I was talking to told me about his adventures in cocksucking and how he had, like me, gotten hooked on it the first time he did it and just couldn’t get enough of doing it… but insisting that whatever he did back then not only didn’t count but it didn’t mean anything… and I wish you could have seen the look on my face when he said that. How the fuck can you do a thing, know you did it – and did it a lot – but sit here and tell me that it doesn’t count and it didn’t mean anything… when the reason why we’re sitting here and talking about this is because we want to suck each other’s dicks?
Okay, something really ain’t quite right… but I couldn’t figure out what was making it not right. In my way of seeing all of this, if you sucked a guy’s dick – and whether cum was involved or not – you did it; you had his dick in your mouth and, at some point, figured out what to do with it being there (and sometimes with a little help) but no matter how it turned out, you did it. It happened. Maybe it was a one-time thing back then but here we are, right now, talking about doing something that you admit that you did… but telling me either it didn’t really happen, it didn’t mean anything other than youthful experimentation, or it doesn’t count because what you did back then gets the slate wiped clean once you become a legal adult.
When the anti-bisexual crowd gets to talking about us being in denial about really being gay, what they don’t know is that a lot of us are very much in denial about what we did when we were younger because, as an adult, we just strangely seem to determine that what we did then has nothing to do with what we’re doing now or wanting to do. Maybe it’s a part of that “putting away childish things” stuff that’s in the bible and probably a part of all the major religions. We are in the habit of telling people who we think are doing something childish to grow up and act like the adult you’re supposed to be instead of the child you once were and, well, okay, if this – and the other stuff I’d heard along these lines – is what’s really going on, I get it… and I don’t because once you do a thing, it cannot ever be undone… but you can act as if it never happened. Didn’t mean anything of any consequence. Just because you did it back then doesn’t mean shit in the here and now.
Wow, huh? I’ve heard guys invoke this by saying, “We were just experimenting so that didn’t mean anything because we didn’t know what we were doing!” Um, really dude? I get that we do, in fact, give “youngsters” a pass on experimentation. We would prefer that they not get into this – and not everyone did – but, okay, if you do, at some point, you are expected, required, and demanded to cease and desist and, oh, shit, forget that you even went there.
I’d run into guys who would “suck the black off my dick” and masterfully so and I’d be baffled and more so when, before the fact, they’d say that this is their first time but after further review, uh, no – it really wasn’t because they’d sucked dick when they were younger but, nope, that didn’t count toward them being able to artfully blow my brains out. I had to allow for the fact that some newbies were just “naturals” at it and without any prior experience and some would “research” how to give a blow job and execute the information they gained with perfection or close enough for government work…
But a lot of guys I had sex with would, in essence, lie about this being their first time or, it might be their first time as an adult but it wasn’t the first time they had a dick in their mouth and with or without getting a mouthful of cum. And while many would very grudgingly admit that, yeah, it happened back then, many would continue to insist that whatever they did during the “experimental phase” didn’t count. Never happened. Didn’t mean a damned thing.
And are you really fucking kidding me? I know well the shame that goes along with having sex with another guy and more so when I’d have sex with a guy and feel quite wonderful but ashamed of myself for doing it in the first place. It bothered the shit out of me and, yeah, I got to digging around to find out how and why I could feel both good and very shitty at the same time but as I worked on making sense of this, yeah, I could see how having committed this particular mortal sin could “convince” a guy that the way to “make up” for it is to, well, say that it never happened. I was young and dumb back then, didn’t really know what I was doing, yada, yada, and even if I admit that it happened, what I did then has no bearing on what I’m doing now.
Again, are you fucking kidding me? Then there were/are the guys who “experimented” in college, boarding school, some other such institution and while those guys would admit that, yeah, they did some stuff, some of them were of a mind that what they “experimented” with during this phase of their life, well, it happened… didn’t mean anything. When I’d ask them why it didn’t mean anything, more often than not, the “excuse” would be rather classic: In college, away from home and friends, sharing a room with another guy or guys; trying to date and screw college girls not all that successful; being in a moment where they and the roommate (or roommates) were drowning their sorrows on a Saturday night and lamenting over their inability to get a date and/or some pussy and, well, much beer or booze was consumed, one thing led to another and, yeah, it happened… but that was then and this is now.
Even blaming it on the alcohol doesn’t change the fact that you did whatever you did… but I finally got to understand a bit about how we think and that ability to convince ourselves that something like this didn’t happen or mean anything even though we damned well know that it did happen and it meant, if nothing else, you got your balls emptied. One could regret being, ah, depleted in whatever way it happened and even I had learned that it’s easy to regret a thing – and then go on like it never happened or didn’t mean anything, well, right up until I learned that once you do a thing, it can never be undone… but we can mindfuck ourselves into believing otherwise.
It’s a bit of a very lame excuse and a way to tip-toe around the fact that when you were a young whippersnapper, you got caught up in the “excusable” experimentation phase of sex with your male friends. Ya might not have known anything about sex and you might have been feeling some kind of way finding yourself in a game of “Show Me Yours” and some touching happening and mouths replacing hands and fingers. You could very well have no idea what you or they were doing other than it was wrong to do it, but unless you did what a lot of guys would do when asked do show me yours – and that would be hauling ass like the devil himself was chasing you – you didn’t know what was going on… but you figured it out and your partner in crime did, too, and provided that he wasn’t that one guy that somehow already knew about this.
Guys would admit that, yeah, it felt weird but it felt good, too, but if it got to feeling too good, um, stop. We need to stop right now. I get that one, too; there’s feeling good and then there’s feeling too good which is really the onset of getting ready to ejaculate and even if nothing is gonna come out in that moment, which neatly lends itself to the many guys who said that they sucked dick (or got sucked) but because no sperm was involved (either way), it didn’t mean anything. It didn’t happen. Doesn’t have anything to do with what is preferred in the here and now. Guys would admit to feeling ashamed and guilty after the fact and, well, yeah, I knew what that felt like but the difference between me and them is that no matter how guilty I felt, I never denied that it happened or acted like it didn’t mean anything then or after I became an adult. I have even heard guys insist that because they didn’t like whatever happened, it didn’t count.
I was learning how easy it was to mindfuck ourselves, not only to plunge ourselves into the pit of denial but to absent ourselves from the ever-present moral and social angst associated with the taboo and sin of having sex with another guy during the experimental phase of early sexual behavior… because people are gonna look at you unkindly because you did it and it wouldn’t matter if you liked it or not so, yup, it’s easy to invoke, “I have no knowledge of those events, Your Honor” – pleading the fifth while knowing the truth and then, being very unwilling to accept it, let alone tell it, which, to me, doesn’t make a lot of sense when a guy would do this… and we’re negotiating to have sex with each other.
This doesn’t bother me as much as it used to but, yeah, it bugs the shit out of me because one of the things I learned that a bisexual guy has to be able to do in order to be okay with themselves is to admit, even to themselves, that they did, in fact, do whatever they did and to understand that how that might have turned out doesn’t change the fact that it happened and, yes, it was something I had to learn as well… but I was smart enough to have figured this out before I was a legal adult and for me to say or insist that I wasn’t up to my eyeballs having sex with boys and that it never happened, well, I was lying to myself as well as telling that same lie to anyone who would ask about my experience in these things. I did it. Either enjoyed the living daylights out of it or I didn’t. Did it a lot. Yeah, that first time? Not a clue about what I agreed to do… figured it out very, very quickly along with a bit of verbal instruction. Holy shit! Boy, does this ever feel good!
Even if I wasn’t of a mind to let “everyone” know about this, I knew the truth of my younger days. It meant a lot since it was very much part of my development and growth as a male bisexual. Call it experimentation but for one to experiment with something, um, doing it is the best way to experiment and more so when even my young and intelligent mind had yet to learn about researching a thing before beginning any experiments but, yeah, if you experiment, you’re doing something and to stick with scientific stuff, it really doesn’t matter if the results were conclusive or not – whatever took place during the experiment took place… and you still can’t undo it. If the experiment failed, yep, it gets “documented” that it did fail and maybe epically so and, yup, failure is a thing that is hard to accept and best left forgotten and never to be mentioned… and just easier to say that it didn’t happen, didn’t mean shit, didn’t count and has no bearing on what the adult version of yourself wants to do now.
But for the many men who behave this way about whatever they did in their younger days, that it didn’t happen or mean anything is their answer, it’s locked in, and it’s their final answer. You might be able to get them to the, “Yeah, but…” moment which, classically, I’d say, is rife with a lot of excuses and difference which, when you really think about them, doesn’t make one bit of sense but, yeah, it’s what they thought and felt about it at the time it took place… and as an adult – and one who is expected to know better to keep on doing that shit – one’s thoughts are going to be different… but it never, ever changes the fact that whatever happened, happened.
I would see this very peculiar behavior a lot when I was growing up with this… and I’m still seeing in here in 2021. Guys insisting that whatever they did when they were younger didn’t mean shit because they didn’t know what they were doing or some other stuff. Ya might not have known what was going on when you did it… but you knew what you did as well as the fact that you shouldn’t have done it. I’ve even heard guys insist that it never happened because they didn’t enjoy it and, okay, I get that… it still happened, though. No sperm being issued? Whatever took place still happened. Guys insist that it was different then than it is now… and I’d love it if you were to think about that for a moment or two. I don’t know about anyone else but the only difference I’m aware of is going from childhood to adulthood and that inherent difference in how we think and all that… but you still did it and, um, sucking dick (the usual entry point for many a male bisexual) is still sucking dick.
So to categorically deny that it happened or lacked meaning, or that there’s some real and concrete difference in play, well, hmm, something ain’t quite right about that. But, I get it. I’m pretty sure I know why guys do this and that it involves putting away childish things and taking on the mantel of adulthood which excludes those childish things. It ties into screwing up and getting a juvie record and knowing or finding out that once you reach adult age – and depending on the severity of the crime committed – the slate gets wiped clean and as if whatever you did never happened… except, you know it did since, um, you got busted for it and repaid your debt to society in some way. It’s also “very much” about the guilt over doing something we know or wind up learning that boys aren’t supposed to do with each other. Uh-oh. Did I do that?
Yeah, you did, and it doesn’t really matter if you hated it or ran wild with it. Just because you stopped once you became an adult just does not ever wipe that particular slate clean because you cannot undo what has already been done. Ya might wish that you could – and lord only knows how many times I’ve wished that I hadn’t done it but, yeah, I did it. Can’t take it back. But not going to bullshit myself into believing that it didn’t mean anything or doesn’t count or has nothing to do with me being an adult. Some guys invoke, “That was then, this is now” and like that really has some profound meaning when, um, no, my man – it doesn’t except how you might think about what you did back in the day.
Hell, I can admit that my older self is often very embarrassed about how my younger self was batshit crazy over getting some dick and I cannot every deny that it didn’t happen to myself or to anyone who’d ask – and provided I want to tell them. There might be some stuff I did back then that I wouldn’t do today; I know the way I went about getting my “dick fix” back then isn’t the way I’d go about it today… but I still did it. It meant something then and now. With and without sperm being issued. Figured out early on what I was doing; oh, so this is what those old dudes meant about a blow job! I don’t know about the “blowing” part when it’s more sucking than blowing but, okay, this is some good shit and shit that, if I didn’t know anything else, I knew I shouldn’t be doing… and did it anyway. Still doing it. And the only thing that changed is that I grew up and learned a lot of shit about this bisexual thing along the way.
I think that a part of this self-induced and adult perception also ties in to our longly-held believe that youngsters are too young to know anything about sex and that they shouldn’t. Yeah, right… sure we are and we don’t and we don’t experiment in these things and, yeah, sometimes, because we were told not to experiment with sex lest we get ourselves in a world of trouble. Ah, but if you do – and provided you don’t get caught – when you get old enough – and read this as being of age to be a legal adult – you will neither confirm nor deny that you did this and insist that it never happened, didn’t mean anything, and definitely does not count toward any adult behaviors and those behaviors that says that you know better than to be having sex with other males – if you didn’t know it then (and I’m pretty sure we all did), you know it now.
It’s just weird that we do this. It makes me get that look on my face to hear guys insist that they were totally ignorant about whatever put them on the bisexual path. Again, they might not have known what was going on but, at some point, they either figured it out or was told about it; yeah, when you put your mouth on another guy’s prick, that’s giving him a blow job and that means sucking dick. It’s even odder when I hear guys invoke this and with the qualifier that nobody shot a load of sperm as a result of this and since it didn’t, well, you know… but if it did happen, well, now, that changes some stuff. In this, a lot of guys aren’t going to deny that they did it but now it’s a matter of whether or not they liked or dislike the taste of semen in their mouth but they won’t deny that they didn’t do it… but I came (no pun) to understand that this… disconnect comes from an adult view of things more than anything else. It is… morally embarrassing to admit that you had a guy’s dick in your mouth and he shot a load of sperm into it and now whether it “really happened” or not depends on how that moment was accepted and, yeah, implying that how you reacted to this back then is now being seen in a different light as an adult. I get that, too, and more so when I would catch myself applying adult concepts to something I did when I was running around getting my dick fix… but no matter what I thought about what I did back then, um, I did it. I can deny that I did to those who I feel doesn’t have a need to know… but I can’t ever deny that I did a lot of this in my youthful debauchery or that it didn’t mean anything… and that it didn’t count because now I’m an adult.
It’s one of the things that makes me say that the psychology is fascinating. Guys are “Guilty with an excuse, Your Honor!” and the excuses, at least to adult minds and thinking, well, okay, that doesn’t make any sense… still doesn’t change the fact that you did it and it doesn’t matter if you enjoyed it or not and, no, the lack of semen has no bearing on the matter nor does the inability to achieve anal penetration has any bearing on things. You tried it. It failed. Trying can be construed as doing albeit with negative results. Dick met anus; entry was denied despite multiple attempts. Objection sustained. Next question/excuse. I have heard guys actually say that they didn’t mean to do what they did (or whatever was done to them) and since they didn’t mean to do it, nope – doesn’t count.
And every time I hear this, I feel myself doing that slow blink thing which makes my eyebrows try to get to the top of my head. What you mean it didn’t count or didn’t mean anything? Um, weren’t you there? Okay, maybe you really didn’t know what you were doing at the time but do you really want me to believe that you didn’t figure or find out what it was that took place… and more so if you did it again and, um, quite a bit at that?
If you insist that it didn’t happen or otherwise pleading the fifth and that it didn’t mean nothing because it was just experimentation, okay, I really do get it but I do wonder why we do this when we know good and damned well that we did it. It meant something to us one way or the other. If we didn’t know, we found out pretty quick so claiming ignorance, well, how does that work? No semen being produced or issued isn’t an excuse. If you are into that putting away childish things thing, I get that, too, but if you insist that you weren’t the duck you were quacking like back in the day, well, why are you lying to yourself and trying to convince others who knew or learned this about you that it is of no consequence. I was young and dumb so it didn’t happen. Slate wiped clean upon reaching adulthood.
Um, no. Not then and not now. Not being of a mind to do such a thing being adult does not erase the fact that you did it when you weren’t an adult. If often say to myself that if I knew then what I know now, well, things might have happened and turned out differently… or not. It’s often “fun” to think like this but like I said earlier, when I get to thinking about the shit I got myself into in my younger days? Embarrasses the shit out of me. Cock crazy to the nth degree and right along with being just as insane about pussy. Definitely would not behave like that as an adult… but never in any form of denial about doing what I did. It happened. It meant something. It counted. It is what it was and I’m okay with that…
But a lot of guys aren’t and I understand why they feel this way even though I think they shouldn’t – but that’s me. There are differences like the adult me knows some shit that the younger me hadn’t learned – yet – and I know some shit as an adult that my younger self wouldn’t have been able to imagine. There are things that my younger self did that when I think about how… careless and implusive I was back then, I sure as fuck wouldn’t do them today… but, yep, I did it just the same and I do understand how difficult it can be to admit to yourself that you did it and to whatever degree you did and now your adult mind is trying to assimilate this… while thinking in an adult way and the easiest way to deal with this is to deny that it happened and to qualify that denial with some stuff that, on the real, changes nothing…
Because once you do a thing, it cannot be undone. You can regret doing it and that’s fine… but whatever happened still happened. You can invoke and maintain that once you became an adult, you put away childish things and this sexual experimentation is part of those childish things… but to behave as if your sexual slate got wiped clean and back to virginal condition because you’re all grown up now?
Yeah… something ain’t right about that. I really do respect guys who think and feel this way even if I don’t agree with their assessment and I took some pains to be able – or attempt to – understand this weird thing some of us do… but it’s still a pet peeve of mind because even if you can claim that you didn’t know what you were doing back then, you sure as fuck know it now… and, yeah, are you really going to try to make me believe that even back then, you weren’t smart enough to figure it out or continued to have zero knowledge about what you did? Jeez, I hope not because if that was really the case, something is seriously wrong, I think. Tried or did it in college but in the here and now it is of no consequence and has no meaning? Really? How is that even possible?
Oh, yeah – we can mindfuck ourselves into believing that it meant nothing or that what you did then has no bearing on what you’d do now. It makes us… comfortable with what we did back in the day. Kinda eases the guilt that can be felt about committing a sin but one that one can get a pass on under the experimentation clause. It’s okay. Not gonna mean anything once you stop experimenting – and you will stop or else (and I have no idea what adults meant by that). You will go forward as if none of that ever happened. Go ye forth and adult and never return to the days of your youth and the time where your hormones were off the scale and making you susceptible to such immoral behaviors. It didn’t happen. Didn’t mean squat. Doesn’t count even if you never really stopped getting some dick or you took a leave of absence from it and now your back for some reason.
The reality and the truth says otherwise. You don’t have to admit it to everyone but when you do, don’t act like what you did back then got wiped clean or otherwise pleading the fifth or citing differences which make no difference. If you experimented with sex with males, okay, that was a “childish” thing that, as an adult, probably is best forgotten but, nah, not really because you know it did and making excuses for doing it doesn’t make much sense since you’re not the only one who experimented with this and no matter how it turned out. Hating yourself for doing it? Understandable. We’re taught to not do it and hate it if it happens… and even if it felt amazing in the doing. Let the guilt be upon thee from this day forth and thou shalt not ever do this again because you should know better if you didn’t know better before. Pass issued…
But the reality and truth revokes that pass, doesn’t it? And if you’re thinking, “Yeah, but…” just ask yourself why this popped into your head and maybe you’ll better understand what all this scribbling was about… then ask yourself if what comes after the “but” makes any reason sense.