Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Things That Make Me Go, “Hmm…”

24 Nov

At the computer and into this part of my routine; checking for Windows and other program updates and checking the overnight email from three of my four accounts when I see one of the usual email from that app that, normally, I just take a quick look at the subject and hit delete but today’s email was asking – paraphrasing – if I liked big cocks.

I didn’t have enough coffee in my system to do a good eye-roll but I did the best I could and had two thoughts: The first was I’ve never cared about whether a cock was small or ginormous but my other thought was from my memory files in that I have never gotten an email from that app that portrayed guys who weren’t white. I took a sip of my coffee (didn’t add enough sugar but that’s okay) and it fired up two more brain cells and The Archivist, who said, “Thanks for the caffeine. As you might recall, Tumblr was like that for the longest time and the only time you saw men of color was them being pictured dominating white men. You also saw this when those in favor of being sissified took the stage and members who were totally on board with this had the fondest wish of being a sissy for a stupidly hung Black man. Now, take another sip of coffee, if you don’t mind?”

It really did make me go, “Hmm.” Six more brain cells came online and “reminded” me not to make a whole lot out of this and that just because I’m colorblind, it doesn’t mean that everyone else is or should be… and that PSA was brought to me by CoffeeMate (hazelnut flavor) and the 2022 Medicare Annual Enrollment Period – call now before the deadline arrives!

In a way, I kinda “hate” it when my brain notices something like this and now it’s off and running all over the place and pissing off The Archivist, which is trying to “pull files” as fast as I can think but I kinda enjoy those crazy moments because it’s like I can sit back and watch what’s going on instead of trying to remember or recall specific things. The main thrust (okay, a pun if you’re so inclined) was about guys I’ve had sex with and, um, my “preference” to taste the rainbow and, um, literally while the secondary thrust was about all the discussions The Archivist could retrieve where I’ve talked to other men about their, shit, color preference… and then the ongoing subtask to discover why they have the preference they do.

The Time Machine Operator woke up (after The Archivist jabbed it in the ribs) and quickly took me back to the early 1970s and when there was a major clusterfuck about things interracial… and I do mean major and mostly in the form of the race riots my hometown was dealing with and especially the one that jumped off at the high school I was going to attend. One of the big pushes was a large helping of the truth in that the color of one’s skin doesn’t define a person nor does it make us all that different. The call was going out to look at the big picture instead of fussing and fighting – literally – over the nitpicking things.

It was yet another display of human behavior at its very worst. Walking the halls of my high school saw
“birds of a feather flocking together” and anyone who dared to flock with “those people” were either cracker lovers or, yeah, nigger lovers or whatever other racist epitaph depending on who was seen interacting. It was stupid given how highly multiracial my high school was because you could easily find yourself liking someone – and enough for sex to happen – but sometimes not because the peer pressure to stay with your own kind was a bitch to deal with and, as such, only the bravest of us would dare to “break away” and let our attractions be whatever they felt like being.

An ugly time in my life and I overrode the Time Machine Operator and skipped over a lot of the dumb shit that didn’t make any sense to me then or now. However, both The Archivist and Time Machine Operator bogarted my command override and stopped my move back to the here and now to a moment where a guy – and a white guy at that – had asked me how many Black guys I’d slept with and compared to how many white (or other colors) guys and those assholes made me remember how totally dumbfounded and confused his question made me… because I didn’t think in those terms (and I still don’t). His question had merit and was valid given that, at the time, we were talking about opposites attracting and how similar things tended to either blend nicely or repel each other and, yep, we both had said something about the science experience with magnets and since we were both science nerds, we included electromagnets and those powerful enough to not care if something was metallic or not.

We talked about this and neither of us could come up with an answer to why racial opposites just seemed to naturally attract despite what had taken place during the “Interracial Wars” that I found myself living through and, as an aside, talking about what being attracted really meant. Those “evil” social norms of the early 1970s said one thing but, clearly, plain old human nature was saying something else about that and, yep, trumped the misguided and very hideous norms that had be exacerbated and just another round of something that had been going on for hundreds of years – it just circled back around again.

To answer his question, I honestly said that I had never really paid attention to this particular numbers game but allowed that I’d slept with a lot of white guys and gals… but not because they were white or any other color but simply because the attraction was there and enough that getting naked and doing something just made sense… because it’s supposed to. He kept prodding me for definitive answers and seeking to find out if I had a preference; he wanted me to nail down what I specifically liked about having sex with white guys and what I liked about sucking their cocks and, honestly, the only thing that popped into my head – and around the headache this conversation had given me – was probably one of the “dumbest” things I’ve ever said in these things – was, “They taste better.”

The look on his face was precious and, I thought, more so because it wasn’t any of the answers he might have been looking for and, indeed, he had said, “That doesn’t make sense!” It was a sentiment I agreed with even though it kinda exposed a flaw I had about being unable to qualify or quantify something that I hadn’t given any thought to because, in this particular thing, I was taught not to think like that. I did remember that after he said that, that light bulb came on over my head and made me ask him, “Why are we talking about this and why are you asking?” even though at the moment the bulb lit up, I was 90% sure what the answer would be.

“You should have said that from the beginning,” I complained – then we fell on each other like starving wolves and the funny part was that when he came in my mouth, um, it did taste better than what a Puerto Rican guy had offered a couple of days prior and that was different from the Black guy I’d been with. Even then, those assholes that lived in my head started to analyze and form questions about the differences in taste (and they’d later learn the why of it) and I had to do a command override to put it all on the back burner because my “new lover” was talking to me about how exciting it was for him to have sex with a guy who, basically, didn’t look like him but we did have a lot of things in common with each other. And then he fucked with my head and said that, to him, guys who weren’t white tasted better. And our cocks were bigger. But then he threw all of that crap out the window by saying that he was understanding that we were different… but really the same when you set those differences aside.

Which, in the here and now – and half my coffee had been consumed and my brain firing on all cylinders – made me go, “Hmm…” again to wonder why that app never shows any men who isn’t white. It came to mind – and not for the first time – that if that app is really about and for gay men (but bi guys are allowed), the way they advertise their various products do not represent non-heterosexual stuff in an all-inclusive kind of way or not showing the rainbow and as I feel they should. I was able – barely – to recall a moment when I got an email from that app where there was a man of color in the picture but that was years ago and so long ago that it really wasn’t worth the effort to think about approximately when I might have seen it.

What I don’t know is why this is. I know when I’d see this on Tumblr – and before they turned into prudes and eliminated all sexual content or tried to in order to comply with that new law – it made sense that I was seeing this… disparity because of who was posting the stuff but then I saw that yeah, that might be true but it was also true that things were being posted and highlighted based upon the poster’s attractions and/or preferences. Okay. That made more sense… still didn’t – or doesn’t – explain the lack of racial or ethnic diversity coming from in the form of those email advertisements I get. For a brief moment – and before I started writing this – I started to reach out and contact them to ask them about this – and I still might just on general principles because if this aspect of male sexuality is going to be touted, tout all of it because to not go all in about this, to me, sends an incorrect message.

M2M sex, in reality, happens across the rainbow. Now, back to that guy I mentioned earlier.

He was hyped to have, for the second time in his life, broken away from the stay with your own kind edict and I was tickled to watch him being all hyped while understanding why he was as he speed-rapped his way through telling me how different it was with me and as compared to the guys he “routinely” had sex with but how we were also the same. As he continued to “lose his mind,” I was thinking about asking him if he really and just now figured this out – then realized that he probably did just now figure out something I had already known. Hmm. Let’s file this one away for future reference. He got a bit somber for a moment when he got to talking about how his parents would react if they knew he had slept with me and because I’m Black; apparently, his parents knew he was sleeping with his friends and wasn’t giving him any shit about it – lucky guy and if I was right about what I was thinking but, nah, I didn’t bother to ask him about that since I couldn’t get a word in edgewise.

He was even more somber and, I thought, a bit worried about how his friends would react to find out that he stepped “way outside” of their sexual circle and while he didn’t speak to what they might say, it was clear to me that he was worried about it and as he stopped to breathe, I said, “Well, the only way they’re gonna be shitty about it is if you tell them, right? You know you don’t have to, don’t you?”

“Would you tell your friends who are like us?” he asked.

“Sure – why wouldn’t I, not that it’s any of their business to begin with but I don’t see any reason why the color of our skin matters in this. I’m sure most of them would feel the same way and given what I know about them but those who don’t? It’s their opinion and they’re entitled to it and I don’t have to let whatever they think about this influence me. I have sex with whomever I want to and if they don’t like that I have sex with those who ain’t of our kind, that’s their problem and not mine… and they know better than to fuck with me about it.

“That is so cool,” he said. “I wish more of my friends were like that. They’re okay but, well, you probably know what they say about shit like this.”

“I can guess,” I said.

We were silent for quite a bit of time and I spent my part of that moment just watching him and wondering what else he was thinking about regarding this. He looked up, blinked, and literally pounced on me and round two got started with a great deal of gusto and I could swear that, at one point, I heard him say, “None of this shit matters because I like you and that’s all that matters…” before he went back to trying to eat me alive and with a renewed vigor that was kinda scary in its intensity.

Two more rounds found us lying on his bed and sweating like fiends and unable to do anything else. When he could speak, he said that he was glad that he had met me and glad that we had the conversation about things being different, opposites attracting, and everything else that had led up to us having sex. He said, “I learned something about and from you – none of this race shit should ever matter but what does matter is we can have sex with each other as long as we both want to.”

“True,” I said. “My parents taught me not to look at the color of someone’s skin but to look at who they are on the inside. Some people are ugly on the inside and some aren’t; some people are still very prejudiced and judgmental but a lot of people are starting to set that bullshit aside and that’s a good thing, I think.”

He nodded and appeared to once again be deep in thought before he snapped out of it and asked, “What are you doing tomorrow?”

I laughed and said, “Probably us doing what we’ve been doing almost all day.”

Sigh. We get into an aspect of this on the forum where someone will post their love of BBC and there is always a bunch of guys who see fit to express their preferences for non-BBC and how they’d never want to get with one, you know, not that all of us are hung down to our ankles. I sit and read them going back and forth about this and it makes me sigh unhappily to see more of the same racial bullshit I had to not only grow up with but learn to ignore. To me, none of that stuff matters but it’s stuff that continues to divide us and keeps us from seeing that, yeah, we’re different but we’re the same and this one thing that makes us different is something that, uh, um, we didn’t have any choice or say in. Another thing that makes us different is… environmental stuff like what we’re taught growing up and the stuff we hear from those around us… and a lot of it, in this context, isn’t good all of the time. I’d get pissed when a guy would contact me looking for sex and the only reason why he wanted to was because I’m Black and not because I’m really a great guy on the inside and I had to learn to not let this bother me; people have preferences and they like what they like and for whatever reason they like it.

I had to learn not to be “bothered” to hear guys saying that they’d never have sex “with someone like me” and when I’d ask them why, the short version is that they couldn’t explain why and more so when they’d emphatically state that they’ve never had sex with a Black guy – but they have a preference not to and, again, the more glaring thing is them not being able to explain the basis of that preference. Or those guys who, as the song went, had “jungle fever” and who couldn’t explain why they had it other than the myth that’s been going around since forever… and some of them had a bad case of it but had yet to actually have the sex their “fever” was giving them.

More sighing. My coffee cup is empty and I need to do something about that. The assholes in my head are back in stand-by mode and that’s a good thing. But I had to get this out of my head so I did. If you’re going to judge me in regards to having sex, look past the color of my skin or how big my dick might be. Look at the person I am and, yeah, see that I’m not only colorblind but I don’t give a flying fuck about all that crap that others find so alluring and important as a deciding factor to get the dicks out, make them hard, then make them soft again.

See ya tomorrow.

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Posted by on 24 November 2021 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts


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