Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Boys Being Boys

26 Nov

Some stuff going on with this. Okay, so, um, yeah, we know that boys can get to a certain point in their growth and development and find themselves in the experimental phase and sex is the thing to be experimented with and explored… with other boys. Morality and social norms says this is a no-no but, yeah, while it’s not a given that all boys are going to experiment in this way, we have enough “historical data” to correctly assume that if a boy is going to experiment with sex with other boys, well, that’s what’s going to happen.

It is preferred that they don’t but if they do, at some point, that has to stop so that they can get into doing all the things that our social contracts and norms say that men are supposed to do and that includes directing one’s sexual urges toward women… only. Two realities at this point: Some get onto the “right” path and do what they’re supposed to do… and some don’t so much, not because they’re still under the influence of raging hormones but because they’ve now obtained some conflicting information and more so when they get old enough to understand “boys being boys” and in this particular context and I’ve found that this conflict is what makes some guys who were, well, being boys behave as if it has no real meaning since they made the switch to being men.

Well, um, right up to the moment they realize that boys being boys just isn’t a youthful thing to be experienced – now it’s “men being men” and in direct conflict with all that stuff that gets pounded into our heads early on about what men are supposed to do and what we’re not supposed to do… like keep having sex with each other. Just like in the “boys being boys” phase, not all boys experiment and, as adult males, nope – no grown-up experimentation either. But even when guys bypass the youthful experimentation part of the show, that doesn’t always mean that it won’t pay them a visit somewhere down the road and, at the least, get them thinking about it even if they never intend to do anything about it.

Cityman and I were talking last night and getting all philosophical about male bisexuality or, really, male sexuality and I had mentioned to him that thing I was recently hit with that every generation thinks this is something new until they eventually discover that it isn’t: Boys have been boys like forever and since boys grow into men, well, let’s say that putting away childish things doesn’t always happen or some guys really do find themselves wanting to be… boys, in that sense. Cityman spoke to being masculine and male bonding as the “high points” of male sexuality and, okay, he has some good points here since when boys are being boys, it’s not unusual that we bond and the sex is the thing that binds us and that includes being able to talk about it and it not have any impact on our masculinity as in the dual way of how we see ourselves and what the social norms are regarding masculinity…

Except it’s really kinda masculine for guys to have sex with each other; we just don’t, in our very polite society, see it that way and, indeed, having sex with other men gets… confusing because there’s a great fear of the loss of our masculinity and as observed in… effeminate gay men who are famous – or infamous – for adopting a “boys being boys” lifestyle and just a way to be. In my generation, those of us who were being boys were also influenced by the behaviors of those queer guys who were, in a few ways, more like girls than boys and being aware of this – and, back then, effeminate gay men were very much targeted and held up as a very bad example and reason why boys should not ever experiment with sex with each other.

It didn’t stop any of us from being boys then… and it’s not stopping grown men now from finding out that while we just tend to make having sex complicated as fuck, um, it’s not all that bad of a thing to – and as Cityman had said – do some bonding via cock sucking and because it’s the “easiest” thing to do. It’s not about “love and affection” so much and while male bonding is, in actuality, a thing we do and a thing we avoid – think bromance – it’s still quite the masculine thing to suck each other’s dicks because it’s sex… and boys being boys. As such, the labels we use to define sexuality are what they are and because we have to be able to call a thing something but when it comes to boys being boys – and of any age – the labels are… meaningless because this is just a part of being male; you either find this out or you don’t but bypassing it – and because that’s what we’re supposed to do – doesn’t change anything other than a lot of men saying that they didn’t do that growing and wouldn’t do it now.

It’s not so much about attraction although it does play a huge role in this and because of what we’re told about such things growing up. I’ve often given Cityman da bizness when he tells me that some guy wanted to hook up and blow each other’s brains out and he says that he turned down the offer because he didn’t find the guy attractive but that lack of attraction didn’t do much for his need and desire to want to do it; he wants to be a “boy” but there’s a lot of social shit getting in the way of doing what he knows he wants to do… and he’s not the only one. I often point out the… huge gap in our experiences which isn’t anyone’s “fault;” I’m older and dove into that aspect of boys being boys when I was a boy… and he didn’t get there until he was like 40 and, interestingly enough, about the age some men find that “boys being boys” might be a good thing to check out and, nope, I have no idea why – I just know that it happens and often between the ages of 30 and 40 and, yes, with guys in their 50s, 60s and even 70s.

If there is a “culprit,” it’s that boys being boys is… also programmed into us and now it’s just a matter of whether or not we get the wakeup call or not or we get it and hit the snooze button over and over because that’s not the way we’re supposed to behave sexually. In my generation, if you were into sex like this, it was considered to be very unmanly and that perception carried over to the following generation but with less impact. That generation knew what my generation said about this but that generation questioned it more than mine did and to the point where, oh, maybe about the mid-point of the generation following mine, it was determined that having sex with a guy wasn’t girly – it’s very masculine and they actually had it right… because it always was a very masculine thing to do given that boys have always been boys like this.

I decided to write about this – and probably again – because it came to my mind that in every generation, there are always those people who look at this and have no idea why boys and/or grown-ass men would do such a thing and there’s a lot of “shock and awe” and much disdain about it and it made me go, “Hmm, that’s really interesting…” to really consider the circular nature of this particular male behavior and the associated riffing against it. I get it. We’re not supposed to. It is strictly forbidden. Yet, in every generation, we do, on the whole, look the other way about boys being boys. Not all of the time but it’s not like we don’t know this because we do and we’ll “allow” it as long as no one “gets hurt” or, again, they reach adulthood and now they’re expected, required, and demanded to give it up and the funny part is that we, collectively, work on the assumption that men have no reason to get into any “boys being boys” stuff as adults and, yeah, it’s an assumption that I now see that every generation makes… and incorrectly so.

Sometimes, when someone asks me about this, I often say, “We’re just being boys…” and they get it – sometimes (but not always) – but it conflicts with what men are supposed to and who they’re supposed to have sex with and those who don’t get it are quick to point this out… and like I don’t know it. They’re right in that, yep, there are “rules” about being a man and masculine and all that and our gender role, well, it just is what it’s always been but to expect us to follow the implied and expected behaviors and at any time in our growth and development, well, um, how’s that been working since in every generation, the number of bisexual men keeps growing and “boys being boys” even when we’re men… just makes sense and that’s probably because it’s always made sense since we are expected to experiment with sex and with each other but, again, it’s preferred that we not and we go forward with the expectation that no adult male would ever find reason to, well, be a boy in this.

Because in every generation, grown men do find reason. Those reasons vary, of course – we all don’t get there via the same route but there are similarities with enough differences to make getting there unique to us as an individual – but if there’s a bi guy out there doing his thing, he’s just… being a boy. I’ve heard of guys even saying that despite being grown and knowing better, they want to experiment with having sex with a guy and, usually I’ve found, because they bypassed this when growing up. I see the… schism that gets put into place because we don’t seem to see that experimenting when younger and getting into it now isn’t really as different as we make it out to be: It’s just the grown-up version of boys being boys and a cycle that really does keep repeating itself and as if this is some new shit from generation to generation.

It is not – and as it’s said to be – on the way to being gay. Gay is something else and let’s call it a more focused approach to boys being boys. I mentioned to Cityman a conversation with the guy I fell in love with and being totally baffled about that and asking him, “Why me? Why are you attracted to me when I’m not gay?” His answer – and one that just added to my befuddlement – was, “Outside of being a handsome man? I was attracted to you because you’re not gay.”

Wait, what? As the conversation continued – and the shit got deeper for me – I was understanding some important shit about boys being boys and experimenting – and continuing to practice – sex with men. It can bind us in some interesting ways that, for that moment, nullifies the labels and makes them meaningless because at the very root of it, it’s still boys being boys even where are boys who never go there at all. We make… decisions about this; we can get into it to some degree but then give it up and never return to those hormone-enraged days. Or we don’t and we’re… gay. Or we don’t and we’re bi. Or we get straight and stay that way until and/or unless that wakeup call shows up.

He had said, “You’re a boy and so am I.” Duh and damn; strip some stuff away and he was right. I probably already knew this but he got me to really know this, if you know what I mean. He also said that the only real difference between us is that I also like girls… and he doesn’t but he likes being “a girl by proxy.” He had a very interesting way of looking at this and one that made a lot of sense to me and opened my eyes even more to see that at the root of it all, it’s still boys being boys and, yes, some of us skip this part of it but it doesn’t mean that we don’t and can’t bond with each other because we do and sex has nothing to do with it.

Giving it up when expected to happens… and it doesn’t. Some give it up and find themselves… being boys again or, at the least, wanting to but being grown comes with complications for many of us… but not all of us. I think that across every generation, this isn’t easy to understand… because it’s too simple an answer to why any man and regardless to their chosen orientation, would want to have sex with another guy. It’s us boys being boys. Something that we’re known to do. A big deal thing and, eh, not so much of one unless we don’t “grow out of it” when we’re expected and supposed to. Something that drives parents insane because they know it could happen while doing whatever they can to make sure it doesn’t… and with the understanding that, um, they really can’t watch them 24/7 because we have adult shit we need to be doing and if we suspect that they’re being boys in this context, well, they’d better cut that shit short so they can be about the business of what it means to be a grown man…

And not understanding that there’s a “men being men” part that is in play and men who know better find reason to be… boys.

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Posted by on 26 November 2021 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts


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