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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Day 15

15 Jan

Today’s thoughts are about the guys who just gave up getting some dick. There were quite a few of them over an “extended” period of time. I’d run into one of the guys one day and he was one of the guys I really like having sex with and I was tingling in anticipation of doing so but when I asked him if he wanted to do it, he said that he didn’t… and wasn’t going to anymore.

I was surprised and very disappointed. I asked him why and, well, he didn’t really say much about it; he just shrugged a lot with his head down and almost as if he had made a decision he hadn’t wanted to make… or the decision was made for him. I never found out why and he went on one way and I went to find someone who wanted to have sex with me.

As it turned out, the guy I found who wanted to also learned that the guy I was talking to had given it up for some reason; he had been looking for him the day before – not for sex but for another reason – and the guy laid the bombshell on him at that time. The sex the two of us had was… lackluster because we were both trying to figure out why one of the good ones decided to stop having this fun with the rest of us.

Some guys who gave it up were made to… because they got caught, with or without being punished for it. A couple of guys were able to say that it was fun at first but now? Not so much. Having guys who were bowing out of the fun was unfortunate but not that much of a concern since one guy would give it up and another guy would be all for doing it. We’d still be friends and all that but no sex and some guys just didn’t want to talk about it and trying to convince them to get back into it just failed.

The rest of us horny motherfuckers just moved on from there. By the time I moved from the neighborhood, there was maybe only three or four of us left – including my very gay friend. Having moved – and while I was away at summer camp – was a bummer and a half but I’d meet new guys who were interested in getting some dick… but over time, even they moved away from it for some reason or another. I realized that this is what the adults in my old neighborhood meant by us growing out of it and I kinda understood it but I was very sure that I wasn’t going to grow out of it; I just loved having sex too much to walk away from this part of it but, okay – if a guy had to, he had to.

Into the adult years, I’d sometimes run into a guy from the old hood and we’d get to reminiscing about the “good old days” but they’d get… weird when we’d get to the part where we were sucking and fucking each other like there was no tomorrow and with impunity. Some of those guys seemed to be surprised that I was still very much into it and some became very standoffish to find that I was still having sex with guys and, sometimes, being accused of being gay and one guy said, “Man, you need to grow the fuck up!”

That hurt but it was food for thought. Was I really stuck in the past? I didn’t think that I was and more so when the guy who said this to me was talking about his responsibilities to his woman and kids and how he realized that this was the shit he was supposed to be doing first and foremost. I understood that because – and as I told him – I had those same responsibilities so, to that end, I was just as “grown up” as he professed to be… but this was about having sex and the one thing didn’t have anything to do with the other but I could see how it would be seen otherwise.

I remember him asking me how I could keep doing “that shit” and I said that I was still getting laid with guys… because it was sex and my grown-up responsibilities didn’t mean that I had to give up something I liked doing. True enough, I wasn’t doing it as much as we all had been when we were much younger but, yeah – still getting some dick and having fun in the doing because why not? I’d pointed out to him that we both grew up and were into doing those things we had been told we had to do once we were grown but I also pointed out that none of us were told that we had to stop doing the things we really liked doing and, well, I saw no point in giving up getting some dick.

I’d run into other guys I had had sex with “back in the day” and they were of the same mind about it and had, as I would remember from going to church, “gave up childish things” or, in order to be with a woman, “had no choice” but to give up that part of themselves. I understood it but I guess I was being stubborn and even rebellious because I saw no reason or sense in giving up a part of myself that I was okay with because the bible said so or, “as usual,” some babe let it be known that she took a very dim view of men who had sex with men and would have no truck with “a gay motherfucker.”

Still, I had learned that just because you could do it didn’t mean you always had to and sometimes, I just didn’t want to… but when I did, I did. There was no denying that and moving to a certain neighborhood showed me that even when you’re all grown up, there’s no real “escaping” it given the startling number of guys I now associated with who wanted and needed dick and many of them very new to this.

I’d be reunited with some guys from the now very old ‘hood and they’d express regret over walking away from it while accepting that they had to do what they had to do – man stuff. Find a woman. Marry her. Have babies, get a job, all that good stuff we were told we had to do in order to be considered a man and grown. A lot of us did that but I was one of the few of the old gang who never gave it up because, again, it didn’t make sense to since it wasn’t just about giving up that kind of sex: It was also giving up a part of who we were and, indeed, what made us into who we were.

I would come across other men in my travels who, like me, “experimented” or “fooled around” with a friend or friends, gave it up in favor of adulthood… and had regrets about giving it up but also felt that they had no choice in the matter – and I’d call bullshit on that while understanding how they were saying things. Some of those guys would be those I would later say were “returning to the party after a long absence” and many of those who, ah, returned to the party with me would say that they regretted having to give up that part of themselves and they had missed it.

One guy told me that he had walked away from it and felt that once he did, those feelings would just go and stay away… and realized that they didn’t. Like a lot of guys, he was trying to figure out how he could take care of those feelings despite being married with children and had asked me how I managed to “get some” being married and I explained to him that I had permission due to my marriage being open but, from my perspective, this was a very major problem for a lot of guys who had given up getting some dick but was finding that they probably shouldn’t have – and now they were in the worst possible situation: Being bi and married. It just does not get any worse than this when you’re bisexual and you still feel the call and pull toward the same-sex direction.

A lot of guys who said that they gave dick up also expressed feelings of depression and a couple of the guys from the good old days talked to me about how miserable they were even though, in other things, they were doing well. I told one guy, “Since you’re a guy, I know what’s wrong with you!” and I had said it in a joking manner but, yeah, I knew what was wrong with him: He needed some dick. He knew it, too, and had said that if he wasn’t in a relationship, he wouldn’t mind taking care of what was wrong with him and with me since, obviously, I hadn’t walked away from it… but he couldn’t. I understood it and the way the “big picture” had been changing for quite some time and, importantly, how some guys felt about what they were very much into back in the day… and some of it wasn’t good.

I remember one of the old gang actually sermonizing when we got to that part of the good old days and I mean he was going off big time, too! It wasn’t anything I hadn’t heard many times before but as he preached – and started hopping and dancing around like his pants were on fire – I was thinking about how he used to be and how much he loved to suck dick and gulp down all the cum he could get but, okay – he found religion and, oh, boy, did he ever find it! I understood it but I also felt this guy needed some serious medication to chill him out since he was preaching and sermonizing so… viciously that I feared he’d have a heart attack or a stroke… or both. He declared that I was Satan and an evil sinner that needed to accept Jesus Christ as my personal Savior and I couldn’t help it: I started laughing and, well, he didn’t like that and really got to flinging the fire and brimstone…

Until I stopped him by saying, “You didn’t think I was all that evil when you had my dick in your mouth, did you?” And walked away from him after taking note of the look on his face and my last words to him was, “Let he who is without sin throw the first stone…” I felt… saddened but, at the same time, I knew he wasn’t going to be throwing any more stones because if I was an evil sinner, he was one, too, and no amount of going to church was going to change that which he had been gleefully doing and right along with the rest of us.

Some guys acted like none of what we’d done never happened. One guy said, “That was then and since we were young, it never happened because I’m not gonna do that now.” Wait, what? This wasn’t the first time I’d heard a guy say something like this but, being literal-minded and all that, I could figure out the logic of saying that you didn’t do something that you know you did and, if I knew you from back then, I knew for a fact you were all up into. Indeed, I can go on the forum today and see the many guys who say that they got some dick when they were young – but that didn’t count or it didn’t mean anything.

I’m of a mind that we don’t need society to mindfuck us because we can do a better job of mindfucking ourselves into believing that any fooling around we did back in the day didn’t count, didn’t mean anything, or it just didn’t happen. Some men told me that they gave it up because they felt guilty about having done it in the first place. I understood this because a lot of guys would admit to feeling great guilt either before, during, or after the fact which had me wondering why they were all up in it if the guilt they were feeling was that great and bothersome. The answer was actually rather simple once I got to thinking about it: It was about… belonging. Being one of the guys. A kind of peer pressure one could feel because they wanted to be one of the guys but if the guys were having sex – and they knew they had no business having sex like this, the guilt would be bad… but not bad enough for them to walk away at that point – or it really was that bad and the only way to assuage the guilt was to walk away and stay away.

Some guys cited bad experiences for the reason they gave up getting some dick. Others had the misfortune to get caught in the act and taken to task for it. For some, the shit going on with homosexuals was bad enough for them to decide that giving up this part of themselves was the best thing to do since being tagged or suspected of being gay was still a very bad thing.

I remember being reunited with my childhood and very gay friend and, wow, he was even “gayer” than he was when we were growing up. We had a good time talking about the good old days and I felt some kind of way when he told me that of all the guys back then, I was always his favorite guy to have sex with and, as he said, “Because you understood me; you always did. You got some nice dick, too, and I ain’t gonna lie about that, honey!” I even went with him to his favorite gay bar and that was… interesting. Of all the guys who had hit on me or was blatantly flirting with me and we got to talking, they all had gotten started young and like my friend had but a few of them had “given up being gay” in favor of trying to be straight and like they were supposed to be… and it just wasn’t working for them.

One guy told me, “You’re not totally gay… but if your girl – and they were talking about my friend – says that you’re okay, honey, I wouldn’t kick you out of my bed!” Then he felt me up. Unzipped me and blew me right there in the bar and in front of a cheering crowd. It was fun but I learned a lot about guys who gave it up “because they were supposed to” and how they, like myself, wasn’t hearing any of that. My friend said, as we headed home, that he was both proud of me and impressed that I didn’t freak out getting my dick sucked in front of a bar full of very gay men. I just shrugged because… that’s all I could do. He also said, “I’m glad to see that you never gave up this part of who you are and the thing that, um, I really loved about you.”

While I understood why a lot of the guys I grew up having sex with gave it up and their reasons, I not only learned some stuff about them but learned even more about myself and my stubborn refusal to give up a part of me that had become as normal as breathing is. I knew why I should have but I also saw the flaws in it. I would recall or have a guy tell me that he gave it up because he “got that checked off and out of the way” or, more often, they felt a great deal of shame over having done it. I understood this, too, but not personally which, at one point, had me really doing a head check on myself since I never felt a bit of shame over having sex with a guy. I’d hear that “Jiminy Cricket” in my head screaming at me to run away and not do it and I just learned how to ignore it because I would learn why that “cricket in my head” was pitching a bitch.

Yeah, sometimes, I should have listened to the cricket but I also learned that it’s never a bad idea until it’s been proven to be one. But even the “worst” moments of getting dick didn’t make me want to give it up and I was learning that being bisexual just wasn’t a thing to do: It was a way to be and in ways that didn’t always have something to do with having sex. It… changed me and a lot of the changes were because I knew what I – and other guys – were putting women through as we chased them and tried to get into their panties and what we’d do once we did. I saw that some of the guys who had given up getting some dick – and according to their women – weren’t “nice” guys in that they didn’t understand what women were telling them about their feelings and that very annoying habit they had of dismissing their own unfavorable behaviors that would be pointed out to them – and those behaviors had nothing to do with the ability to have sex.

Was there some kind of correlation here? Maybe. The science geek I am sought to see if there was one and, yeah, I could see how a guy who gave it up out of guilt or shame could be… insensitive where women were concerned. Hmm. I mean, none of us ever gets it right with women but I could see that guy who hadn’t given up dick were, more often than not, “better” with women. Hmm. Could be a “thing” and it might not be but I’d learn about the ones who gave it up and compare myself against them… and I was damned glad that I never gave it up and more so when doing that very much meant giving up a part of myself that I just didn’t want to give up… because, in reality, I didn’t have to.

One old friend had said, “I’m surprised that you still like it!” and I asked, “Why shouldn’t I?” and his “reason” was pretty much the same as I’d heard from other men: If you get into it, you’re supposed to grow out of it and never go back to doing it for any reason. Except some guys found that there is reason to go back to doing “childish” things and a lot of them said that they found that they weren’t being real and honest with themselves and, yes, many expressed a lot of anger over being “made” to give up that part of themselves.

I was learning that guys who suppressed this weren’t as “okay” with themselves as they may have appeared to be. With the ones I knew and I knew their lady, she would often speak to how homey didn’t always seem to be himself; he’d be angry for no apparent reason and seemed to be depressed or otherwise bothered by something he didn’t want to talk about. I had a good idea what was going on with them but I wasn’t going to out them. One woman actually asked me – in a hypothetical way – if he was missing dick because she was 100% sure that he had been getting some way before they met… and all I said was, “It’s possible…” since, again, I didn’t want to out him or let her know that I knew about his dick like she knew about it. She may have suspected this but she never mentioned it.

I hear so much today about bisexuals suffering from mental illnesses like depression and I’m almost sure of why this is because a lot of guys I know gave up getting some dick because they “knew” they wouldn’t be allowed to and even if they were single. More worried about what others would think and say about them and at the risk of their mental well-being but men aren’t supposed to let stuff like this bother them; we’re supposed to man-up and sacrifice ourselves for the greater good… and a greater good that, apparently, is at the source of any of the ills bisexuality is accused of causing. Being bisexual isn’t the problem: Society’s very dim view is the problem; a guy who gave it up because they were ashamed wouldn’t feel this way if society didn’t heap a lot of guilt and shame over same-sex sex.

On Day 15 of 2022, I was thinking about all the guys I know who loved getting some dick… and gave it up and the many I know of who regretted giving it up. My heart goes out to them and I understand the things I learned about why they gave it up… and it made me even more determined to not give it up and to not just let go of such an important part of who I am.

 
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Posted by on 15 January 2022 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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