Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 18 May 22

18 May

Cityman and I got to talking about being a… complete bisexual. He was telling me about his FWB lover asking him some good questions about being bisexual, like, is he the same way with women as he is with men and Cityman telling me that he’s learned to not be different like that.

It’s sometimes believed that when a guy is bisexual, he’s one way with women and a totally different way with men and there’s some precedence that goes along with this given that, well, men are physically different and some guys are of a mind that they can “let it all hang out” with a guy but not so much with women… but this wasn’t what Cityman’s FWB was talking about other than kinda/sorta asking him if he approaches sex with women in a different way.

And Cityman, again, said that he’s learned that he no longer… behaves differently. That he approaches sex with someone with the same thoughts, feelings, and lusty purpose and that’s the way he should approach it. When you consider that a lot of bisexuals feel like they’re living two different lives, being a… complete bisexual is about realizing that you’re really only living one life and while you may go about sex differently, that which drives your urges shouldn’t be different.

He’s understanding that sex isn’t all about who… because it always begins with what; then it’s about who you can get busy with so you can slake your lust and who’s going to find it to their liking and all that happy crappy stuff. We briefly touched on why his FWB asked the questions that he did because his FWB is gay and, well, bisexuals tend to confuse some gay folks and even I saw this growing up because we’re like them… and not so much.

Yeah, even I got asked, “Are you like this with women or is it just with men?” and I had to do some thinking about this… and got a busy signal because I didn’t think or feel that I behaved differently other than to adjust to the person I was having sex with. Maybe I just didn’t get it into my head that sex with men was all that different from sex with women… because it was sex first and foremost. But I would learn why someone would ask such a question because, again, bisexuality is too often seen as two different things and that, I think, is because people who ask this is looking at who but not thinking about what all that much.

Cityman and I are continuing our conversation but I’m rustling around in my memories to see any sign that I went about having sex in “two different ways” and… if I did, the memories are inaccessible… but I don’t think so and that could be because given how, um, early I got tossed into the sex pool, I somehow realized that what I could do was pretty much the same; I could give and get head and some fucking could be done and, yeah, all that nice kissing and cuddling could be done as well; the only real differences were the physical ones.

Because the one constant is… my desire to have sex. To me, it didn’t make a difference if it was a guy or not and I would, after hearing what other bisexuals had to say about differences, figure out or learn that it’s not really all that different if you’re thinking what “first and foremost.” If nothing else, I am… consistent and, I think, a more… complete bisexual because having to do different things and depending on what the other person wants or is going to let me get away with is one thing and that’s one of those “no-brainer” things that’s pretty obvious but the desire to do is what drives the sexuality bus.

For me, sex with gay men was always… interesting. Not so much in whatever we’d do but their perception of things and, yeah, the first person who asked me this question was a gay dude who felt that, I dunno, I was being different with him than I’d be with a woman… and I felt that he was just feeling some kind of way because I wasn’t totally like him. I tried explaining to him that, to me, it was “all the same” – but that’s because I always think what first and that who, while it does matter, didn’t matter. I’m just as lusty and passionate with men as I am with women and I’ll even admit that I’m “more passionate” with women because, well, it’s women.

I believe that one becomes a… complete bisexual when they learn that they’re not living two different lives and… sex is sex and now the devil lives in the many details of it all. Cityman and I got to talking about the top/bottom thing again which I see as being… nitpicky and highly specific and, well, that’s not really surprising but since we were talking about whether or not his FWB would get around to topping him – and my knowing and understanding how Cityman feels about bottoming – well, the conversation got deep because it seems to me that in these things, guys… institutionalize themselves and for whatever reason makes sense to them so finding themselves in a situation where they find themselves “being out of the box,” hmm, whew. Cityman himself experienced this and went from being 100% sure that he’d never get fucked… to getting fucked. Even then, we both did some slicing and dicing by saying that we can bottom… but we’re not bottoms.

But that’s getting deep into the devilish details and the high-level stuff – that desire and need to have sex – winds up getting lost and, yeah, we want what we want and in the exact way we want it. What we do is one thing but what drives any of it is the desire to have sex. Period. The only real differences, other than the physical ones, are the differences we wind up creating and, yup, once again, if you think that sex with men is “seriously different” from having sex with women, there’s a good chance that you’re not really looking at it the right way… because it isn’t so much.

We got into preferences again and I could see how Cityman is changing his mind about his preferences, and I gave him a “standing ovation” when he said that he’s starting to understand that having them – and totally living by them – isn’t jiving with his need and desire to have sex and, yep, that he sees that he’s not behaving differently and based on his partner being male or female.

As Mr. Spock said in a Star Trek book I read long ago, “A difference which makes no difference is no difference.” That… confused the shit out of me when I read it but once I got to thinking about it, well, hmm: Other than the person I’m having sex with – a guy or a gal – the differences I might have had in my head (but wasn’t really thinking about) weren’t really differences. Not two different things: One thing and that was to get laid.

It’s not something that’s easy to see, methinks. I know that some bi guys get all into their heads about who they want to get busy with and get to feeling some kind of way because it’s a guy… then start creating differences between that and them having sex with women… and overlooking what they’re really doing – having sex. I go on the forum and see the fellas doing this and I often think, “They don’t get it…” but, yeah, I understand it because as long as they continue to see this as two different things, they will continue to create and maintain differences until or unless it hits them that it’s not two different things – it’s one thing and maybe then they’ll understand and even say like I and others do, that it doesn’t make a difference whether we get laid with a man or a woman… as long as we’re getting laid and we very much to want to get laid.

The acts are the same. Giving and getting head. Actual intercourse but, yeah, um, guys don’t have a vagina but, well, you know. I think that Cityman realizes that when he’s bottoming, it’s because he wants and needs to and it’s all a part of the sexual experience; it’s something that a lot of guys can have a hard time with and for the usual and well-known reasons. I was telling him that one difference in having sex with a guy is that he could fuck the guy… and homey could do the same thing to him… but unless the woman he was having sex with was kinky, it’s not likely that she’s gonna fill him up with a lot of fake dick – and then I pointed out to him that if girlfriend was of a mind to do that, he wouldn’t object one bit because, at that high level that gets lost in the sauce, it’s still sex and just one of those devilish details again.

He sent me a big LOL on that one but he knew I wasn’t lying. I’ve always said that when you’re bisexual, you get to learn some shit about sex that you probably didn’t really know about or consider and that has nothing to do with actually doing it. I could probably do a flowchart about this but, nah, I ain’t going there but at the top of it is… the desire to have sex; then it gets “broken down” from there into who – man or woman – and then broken down further into the specifics. I think that “most bisexuals” are so deeply entrenched in the specifics that, again, they can’t easily see the top of the chart and their need and desire to have sex and, yeah, the only differences are those that they make.

Cityman had asked me why guys bottom and I did my best to try to explain it but the gist of it was about whatever was going on in the guy’s mind about how he wanted to have sex. He, and like a lot of guys, was caught up in how the top and bottom roles are defined so, nope, since he declared himself as a top, bottoming wasn’t an option. But I did tell him that there would come a day when he’d want to bottom and, well, he didn’t believe me… but he does now and that while it’s “different” from the top role that resides in his head, it’s still sex – and sex that he wants to have… because it’s sex. Gratifying in its own way and I had told him that one has to find the pleasure in being fucked… and he found it.

But I knew he would. Like I said the other day, it’s been a joy for me to see him grow and, on his own, understanding this as I have come to understand it. He admits that he still has stuff to work on but I would say that at this point in his sexual life, he’s more of a complete bisexual than he was when he first found himself on this path. It’s not what you do with someone… but that you wanna do it in the first place, you know, if they’re agreeable to doing it. Should it make a difference if your partner is male or female? No, not at all but a lot of bisexuals perceive it as being different and it tends to “cross them up” because they firmly believe that they have to behave differently when they’re with a man or a woman…

And just missing what’s really going on with them that makes any of this one thing instead of two different things. Cityman drove me nuts always talking about who and I would think that the Hearts Not Parts gang would issue him a lifetime membership card and that’s fine… but I had a hard time getting him to see that it’s what he should be paying attention to and if he had a preference, it’s to have sex.

Period. He’s starting to see this but a lot of guys, eh, not so much. I had to see and learn this and being inside my own head about it is still pretty interesting. How I get laid is gonna depend on some stuff but the one constant is… I wanna get laid. Shit yeah. Getting all carnally personal with someone and they being the same way with me. Guys ask me if I’m a top or a bottom and I tell them that I just am. Okay, “technically” versatile but that’s the way I grew up being – you do it to me, I do it to you and we repeat as necessary. Will I spread my cheeks for a guy? Sure, if that’s what I want and need because, well, that. I want it. I need it. It’s having sex above and beyond all else. And if a woman wanted to “bone” me? Bring it on!

It’s just not all that easy for some male bisexuals – or bisexuals as whole – to see this for what it really is and I understand that being able to do this can be troubling and more so when we have a habit of slut shaming the shit out of anyone who really and truly enjoys having sex and in the many ways it can be had and done. Are bisexuals promiscuous? Well, I know that I am… and why wouldn’t I be? Oh, that’s right – we still see that as being a bad thing. Now all of this starts to get seriously deep because, on the whole, we’re a bunch of prudes about sex because we get shamed into being prudes and bisexuals, well, no, that doesn’t work for us and, in reality, it can’t work and I think bisexuals innately understand this but since it conflicts with the way sex is supposed to be, that creates a lot of differences that I think shouldn’t exist and beginning with… it’s sex. Doing whatever with whomever to get that very nice gratification and satisfaction and if you can find it with both men and women, well, why the hell not?

And that you’re not supposed to does make it even more fun and enjoyable because you, as a bisexual, knows some shit about having sex that a lot of other people don’t. They know what they know and are firmly rooted in what they know and that’s why bisexuals tend to confuse people and, yup, can get them asking that question that Cityman’s FWB lover asked him. I remember him telling me that one of his gay friends was giving him “the usual shit” about him being bisexual and that he had to pick a side and stay on it and they didn’t understand why, if he was having sex with a man, he would also have sex with a woman.

Well, um, because he’s bisexual. Duh. I’ve had gay guy say that they don’t know what I get out of having sex with a woman and, well, um, you kinda gotta do that in order to know what there is to get out of it… but I know of a lot of gay men who didn’t start out being gay and just found being involved with women, ah, not at all to their liking and needs. They are… prejudiced and that’s actually understandable but it can also blind them to what’s really going on: It’s sex. You can do the same things with a man that you can do with a woman and anatomical differences aside and that, ah, lack of men having vaginas, well, even that gets interesting given how many guys like to say that they have a pussy.

Now it get weird, right? We just tend to get deep down into that which we will and won’t do and are very specific about who we will or won’t do this or that with and very much in line with what our social conditioning mandates… until we find out differently and it’s not just an intellectual exercise. So many people “don’t understand” why bisexuals have sex the way we do because they’re looking at who – man or woman – but not what so much: It’s having sex. Being that intimate with someone because, ah, why the hell not?

If you don’t mind, it never matters but I’ve seen bisexuals nitpicking the shit out things and creating differences and getting lost in them. Ask a bi guy why he likes having sex with men and hold onto your hat because he’s going to tell you a lot of things… but might not mention that it’s sex first and foremost. I think if you were to ask some bi guys if they’re different with women than they are with men, they just might tell you that they are when, um, yeah, not really if you understand some stuff about sex and this one thing that I learned long ago: Your body doesn’t give a shit who is giving it pleasure… but your mind does and, well, things get messy in our heads about it and it takes an effort to rise up out of the messiness to see why we’re having sex the way we are:

Because it’s sex. Whether it’s a guy or a gal is… personal preference more than anything else. It’s all the same to me and there are a lot of people who are just like me… and Cityman is learning what I and those like me have learned. It’s not two different things because men and women are different:

It’s one thing. I get it, though. If you’re straight or even gay and now you’re bisexual, yeah, that’s a lot to process and most do process it as two different things and the focus is on who and the deeply devilish details about what and the thing at the top of the flowchart tends to get lost because those differences are stuck in a person’s head. I can’t honestly say that those differences got stuck in my head; why do I do it with boys? Because it’s fun… and it’s sex! What other reason do I need… and why do you think that (a) I have to have a reason other than being horny and (b) there’s some great difference between this and me having sex with women? And if you’re thinking like this, uh, um, you’re probably missing the whole and main point.

Bisexuals either get around to realizing this… or they don’t. I think not being able to realize this doesn’t serve the purpose of being totally comfortable with being bisexual because the same-sex stuff is… different. No, not really.

I’ve been told that I have an… interesting way of looking at sex and I’m guilty as charged… because I understand that the differences we put in place don’t really exist. I am… consistent. The same way with men as I am with women… because it’s sex and I do so prefer to have sex and who – male or female – doesn’t matter and, I think, shouldn’t.

Yet it does. So much heavy sighing at this point. Yes, the… impacts of sex are going to be different and, to me, that’s just a given; it’s going to be mind-blowing today and not so much later today or tomorrow or whatever. We get the notions of good and bad into our heads when the only bad sex is not having sex at all. Can a top bottom? Sure, if he wants to and he’s not afraid to and just like tops can and do give head. Bottoms can top and get head in return but are of a mind that they’re “not supposed to” or for some other detailed reason why. Women can, if they’re not weirded out by it, bone the living daylights out of a guy and after he’s given her da bizness. Kinky? Maybe so but at the root of any of this is… having sex and not being picky about it being with a man or a woman.

We get hung up on what we want to do and who we want to do it with and, as such, create differences. Human nature stuff again. Bisexuals defy conventional sexual thinking. The details are what they are but I maintain that at the very top of the flowchart is wanting and needing to have sex and understanding what that really means as well as understanding that when they’re slaking their lust on someone – and they’re doing the same thing – there are difference which make no difference unless we think there are differences.

I just think and wholly believe that when you realize that there really isn’t a difference, it makes you a more complete bisexual because it doesn’t matter how you have sex or who you have it with… as long as you’re having sex and wanting to.

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Posted by on 18 May 2022 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts


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