What are my thoughts today? I dunno, well, I do but they’re scattered. Sticking out at the moment is how… complex being bisexual is, well, until you get used to the myriad thoughts and feelings speeding through your brain and at any given time.
A woman and I had just finished making love when she asked me, “How do you decide?”
“How do I decide on what?” I asked.
“On whether you, um, want some pussy or dick,” she said – and got my post-sex brain stuck in neutral.
I knew what she was talking about and now I was trying to figure out how to explain something to her that I may or may not have been actively thinking about.
“Sometimes I’ll get horny and it tells me that getting with a guy is what will take care of it,” I said, trying to put ethereal thoughts and feelings into some kind of order. “It’s, shit, I dunno, it’s not like I sit back and flip a mental coin – heads it’s pussy, tails it’s dick – but maybe it is and I’m not really aware of it. I wanna get laid and the most prominent thought is that it doesn’t matter if it’s a guy or a gal – whoever I can get to first and who’s agreeable.”
“So, it’s like first come, first served?” she asked.
“Most of the time, I think, but not always. It’s like I ask myself, “What do I want/need?” and go from there. I, um, I have pussy and dick on the brain all of the time and while I do make decisions on who and all that, there’s probably some shit going on in my head that’s making decisions that I’m not aware of.”
“If you wanted dick but got some pussy, do you still want dick?” she asked. One of the things I liked about her was how she could ask the most interesting questions.
“Yeah, sometimes,” I admitted. “It’s not a thing of the pussy not being enough or satisfying or anything like that – and heading off a question I kinda knew she would ask next – but it’s like I’m not going to be 200% satisfied until I get some dick. I’ve had moments where I’m getting dick like there’s no tomorrow and it’s been good, but I still need to have sex with a woman and before you ask, I don’t know what’s going on with this – I’ve never had reason to ask myself what’s going on in my head; I just know it is and now it’s about deciding to do something about it or not.”
“Sounds complicated,” she said.
“It is… and it isn’t. I’ve been like this for so long that I don’t have to really think about it. I want to have sex. Won’t matter if it’s, say, you or some guy. Sometimes, hah, it’s like trying to decide what you want to eat; everything you like to eat flashes through your mind, whether you feel like cooking or not, do you have all of the ingredients if you’re gonna cook and all that… then you change your mind and decide to eat out… but where? I can’t honestly say that I’ve ever paid attention to my decision-making process when it comes to this and, yeah, that I’ll change my mind is a given.”
“So when you leave me and you run into a dude who’s down with it and y’all hit on each other, what might you be thinking about?” she asked.
“That it’s another chance to have sex but, um, shit, I might not be in shape to do anything after I leave you,” I said, giving her my best lecherous look… that had her laughing.
“You’re assuming that I’m gonna let you leave,” she said. “So is it just sex for you?”
“It looks like it but, no, it isn’t. Do you remember me telling you about the guy I was in love with and we were an item?” I asked.
“Yeah, I remember,” she said.
“What that taught me is that it’s not impossible to fall in love with a guy and want to be in a relationship with him but since then, I’ve been of a mind of if it happens, well, I’ll deal with it at that time. I’m not in the market for a boyfriend as such but you never know what’s going to happen until it happens,” I said.
“I’m all for things being more than just sex but that depends on the other person; I like to think that I’m pretty flexible and can adjust and adapt to most situations,” I said to continue. Man, I loved having these conversations with her but, damn, I’m still trying to recover from her handing my head to me and my brain is barely firing on all cylinders!
“Even though you’re married?” she asked.
“Yes. Despite that. It’s not like I never learned how to be in more than one “relationship” at a time,” I said. “As far as that goes, as long as such an… arrangement doesn’t mess up things at home, it’s all good… but I don’t have a purpose to be in one, if that makes sense. Like, we’re having a sexual relationship and we both agree that things are going fine – they are, aren’t they? – and even you said that we should just enjoy each other and see where things go.”
“Yeah, I remember saying that,” she confirmed.
“I dunno… I just learned to go with the flow while not always understanding what’s going on all of the time,” I said. “I can make decisions pretty quickly but to go back to your first question, I don’t really know how I decide. I want sex… now, who can I convince to have it with me without a lot of hassles? Man or woman? Maybe both if I can get lucky like that? Man, you ask some tough questions!”
“I know,” she said while laughing. “You… fascinate me. You’re open about being bi and you’re comfortable with it and more than other dudes I happen to know about. I want to understand you and the cool thing is you do your best to explain it.”
“I think that one just learns to be that way if they can,” I said with a shrug. “It’s… sex. Wanting to be that intimate and not minding whether it’s a woman or a man and it’s never been a thing of preferring one over the other – I want both; I know it like I know my own name, so I just don’t question it.”
“Come here,” she said; that told me that the conversation was over, and we were going to be speaking another language.
Later, though, I was deep in thought: How do I decide? My brain said, “You just do…” and, yeah, that was helpful, wasn’t it? I know about how I decide to say yes or no – that was easy but, yeah… dick or pussy? It didn’t matter because both would suit the need. I knew that sometimes I’d catch myself saying something like, “Some dick would be good right about now!” but it didn’t always prompt me to go looking for it. I was getting the hint of an idea that this decision was more about how I was feeling than what I might be thinking about.
And there was no telling how I might be feeling at any given moment. I was starting to get a headache, so I tabled this in my mind and turned my “attention” to the conversation I was going to have to have with my wife when I got home; we had a rule that said that when we were with someone else, we had to come back and share the experience and to not leave out any details even if they were bad. I did think about telling her about the question I got asked but, eh, maybe not – and I tabled that thought as well because the two of us sharing stuff had the effect of making us very damned horny so spoiling the mood with an “intellectual discussion” didn’t make sense to me.
But, afterwards, I did tell her about it and she said, “I always wondered about that myself.”
Uh-oh. Would she “settle” for me saying that I really don’t know how that works? Maybe and I got a reprieve because she didn’t ask me to answer the question.
Tremendous sigh. There’s a reason why I tell some people – and warn them – about getting into my head… because there’s no telling what’s going on in there. It’s a lot. It’s like a buzz in the background of my conscious thinking and something that’s been there so long that I don’t pay attention to it unless something in there gets my attention, like, what makes me write about all of this… and I don’t always know why I’m thinking about something but, yeah, blogging has gone a long way to helping me keep my brain as uncluttered as possible; because my stroke impacted my memory, it’s a good way to make me focus on remembering certain things and in as much detail as I can – and the longer I’ve been doing this, the more I’ve been able to remember.
But I still don’t know how I decide. Both is always nice. Whatever else is going on about it is stuff that I don’t know or there’s no way to really know… and if I really need to. I want and need to have sex and men and women – dicks and pussies – are very much in my repertoire so what’s there to really think about other than actually trying to get some from somebody?
Thinking about this reminded me of a conversation I had with Cityman who, at the time, was literally trying to decide if he wanted a man or a woman and, now that I’m thinking about that, I realize that it’s something he does – a lot. Maybe the… difference between the two of us is a thing about him being a lot newer to this than I am? He’s still so comparatively new to this that, yeah, maybe he really needs to sit with himself and make a conscious decision but, OG bisexual over here, that “process” is probably as normal to me as breathing and that’s not something anyone really thinks about unless they’re having a problem doing it.
Probably a lot of “yes/no” shit going on in my head that I don’t have access to. Cityman… settles and I get that even if, right now, I can’t put it in words other than he’s still kinda in that “men or women” thing that a lot of bisexuals tend to go through. For myself, it’s always been “men and women” and being willing and able to go in whatever direction the flow happens to be going. If I want coochie but run into a guy who’s down with some sucking, great – let’s do it… but I might still want the coochie because… why not?
It gets messy inside my head, and I can easily see it but there’s not much I can do about it because a lot of that mess is directly connected to my sexuality and my desire to have sex. It is complex and it only gets complicated when I try to explain some stuff about it. A lot of being bisexual is… mental. Trying to keep your shit together while doing day-to-day stuff can serve to complicate that most necessary task and purpose. Because, to and for me, nothing else makes sense and everyone gets to learn that just because they want something doesn’t mean they’re going to get it. It’s like… chicken or steak? While some folks would choose one or the other, my brain says, “Both… because we like both!” Now it’s just a question if I can have both.
Deciding is kinda like that. I think. Damned if I know. And this is always running around in my head and, again, like background noise that’s “just” loud enough for me to be aware of it. I can feel it. Maybe my brain thinks that it’s too much of a hassle to be so… specific and says, “Whichever you can get; either would be good but, yeah, buddy, both would even better!”
If you ever wondered why I often refer to my brain as the asshole that lives in my head, maybe now you know why I do. Truth is I probably do know how I decide but it’s “out of my control” in that sense. I can say, “I want some pussy!” but in the back of my mind, eh, that’s probably not what’s going on or it can be like me saying this – and knowing it – but hearing a “whisper” saying that some dick would be good, too.
All of the time. I’m just… used to it. Accepting that my feelings about this are always in flux and, as I like to say, very damned fluid and literally from one moment to the next and I think that if I was truly aware of all of this happening “in real time” and to put it that way, I’d probably be insane… so my brain shoves all of this deep into the background so I don’t have to worry about it… until I get horny.
And the mental fun begins. I’ve learned to be… okay with being inside my own head about this because it keeps me grounded. It’s complex and sometimes confusing but I’m… comfortable. You might even say that I think with both heads, but the big head does 90% of the work… I just don’t know what’s really going on at times and where my sexuality and need for sex goes.
Yeah… it’s messy in here… but I’m used to that, too.