Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 22 May 22

22 May

As I was out in the heat getting yesterday’s mail, my brain said, “You know, you can break down your evolution in bisexuality into different segments! Lemme show you!”

What I was “seeing” was that I could, indeed, break it down into different pieces. First, from 9 to 16; 18 to 25; 30 to 35; 40 to 45; 50 to 60. Don’t worry about the “in between” ages.

From 9 to 16, I was in discovery mode and learning the ins and out of not only having sex with girls but having it with boys while trying to absorb as much information that was available that would explain what I was and, well, why I was. I would say that I learned, oh, maybe 45% of what I know about having sex in this period of time and it helped that I was, er, um, way too eager to have sex and pretty much with anyone who wanted to – and that learning includes all the mistakes I made when it came to who and what.

From 18 to 25, it was more about learning about others like me while being heavily into giving guys their first experience. I knew why I was like this, what I loved and “hated” about it, but now I was finding out about other people in this and, yeah, wondering if there was some kind of “notice board” that told a lot of guys that if they wanted to know about having sex with dudes, come see me. That had me also wondering what it was about me that told guys that weren’t referred to me that not only could they talk to me about this, but chances were also very good that they’d get that first experience with me.

Eight out of ten guys found out that having sex with guys wasn’t as bad as they thought it to be; the other two guys found this out with someone else but would come back to me to tell me that I was right – there was absolutely nothing to be afraid of.

From 30 to 35, I was still absorbing information but, sexually, kinda coasting. Being in an open and poly relationship changed things for me and I spent more time assimilating the changes than I was getting dick, but I was because – and I’ll say most of the time – there were still men who were now in their “mid-life crisis” years who were looking for an alternative to having sex with women and now I was a “target” for the 20-somethings who were looking for someone to show them the ropes.

I would be able to see that from 9 to 35, there were environmental things that were also at work, like the level of unemployment and a lot of men being “despondent” because getting a career off the ground was very hard to do as well as trying to get – and stay – with a woman would bring their own problems to the table. I would see that a lot of the guys I’d have sex with or talk to about it was “at their wit’s end” as far as being able to get laid was concerned and the number of men who I’d say were “truly bisexual” was pretty low. I would estimate that now, five out of ten guys would learn about this from me and the other five guys were somewhere on the fence about it and “taking a knee” where actually doing something was concerned.

The angst against homosexuals, from my perspective alone, ran through the 9 to 35 years and gained strength along the way and, yeah, I just realized that I forgot to mention that HIV/AIDS came to the party in the 18-to-25-time segment and was very much a part of the environmental impact as well so, yeah, my bad on that one. Still, in the 30 to 35 period, there were both men and women who, if nothing else, wanted to know if there was anything else other than straight sex and if they knew there was, could I tell or show them how to have it? I would pat myself on the back to realize that I had become a subject matter expert on male bisexuality and thanks to being married to a bisexual woman, learning some important stuff about that – and then piecing all of this information together in order to get a better picture of what was going on with the many people I’d been in contact with that insisted that they not be all that straight.

I would find myself taking great advantage of the World Wide Web to dig deep into the past. I would also understand that I was really being… anal about this and would also recognize that the moment I set myself on the path to answer that now-infamous question – and one that I had answered a long time ago – only served to open a huge can of worms that maybe I shouldn’t have opened but since I did, there was no closing the can at this point.

I would say that from 40 to 60, it was “more of the same” and that included gathering more information about bisexuality than, at times, my mind wanted to deal with. Still getting dick when I wanted it but, eh, that wasn’t really the point… but what was the point was me seeing and understanding that while I had a lot of knowledge and experience being bisexual, there were guys who were, as I like to put it, showing up late to the party or just now returning to it… and, damn it, I wanted to know why because all along the way, I never did like someone asking me a question about this and me saying, “I don’t know.” Ah, but one of the things I learned in the 30 to 35 segment was that I didn’t have to know the answer – I just had to know who did – which just added to the information overload going on inside my head.

The one “advantage” I’ve had in this is having the time to assimilate all of this, from my own behaviors to those I’d learn from so many people I couldn’t tell you how many – and I wouldn’t even try to. I would see that from, oh, 18 to 35, it was appalling to see how much other people didn’t know about this as well as how high the bullshit surrounding bisexuality was piling up and among men, yeah – that ever-present fear of being gay was still hanging around. In that same period, I would learn to look at things without my own biases putting their two cents in. Yep, I am very damned passionate about bisexuality and being bisexual and I know why I am but in order to inform others, most of the time, I had to be able to set this aside so I could tell them what they wanted to know… and without a single piece of bullshit to foul things up.

From 18 to 50, I would learn that men were even weirder about this than I knew them to be and given a lot of the “changes of direction” I would see in the overall dynamic and some of them would have me scratching my head because, of course, things weren’t like this or that when I was growing up but it’s very damned true that change is constantly changing and I had to keep up with it as best I could because those changes directly impacted my ability to get dick when I wanted to and affected other guys in some way or another.

From 50 to 60 and into the here and now, wow, I hate to say it, but some guys are serious pussies about this. I am often appalled at how guys don’t seem to know how their body works and even more appalled that what they know about M2M sex is what they’ve seen watching porn… but not really that surprising since in those prior segments, I’d often run across a guy who was interested in doing something because he saw it watching porn and, more often than not, I’d have to disabuse them out of thinking that what they were seeing was the way things were really done.

All along the way, guys were afraid of becoming gay and I only know of maybe two or three guys I was involved with in some way who did decide that being gay is what worked best for them. On the social front, guys on the DL to get dick were giving the place a bad name by spreading STDs all over the place and, as such, very much introducing the disease card to the deck. What appalls me is that, in the past, guys were concerned about this, but they would act as responsibly as humanly possible to not be part of the problem. The bad part was that some men have “always been careless” about this and this, too, got my attention to find out if they were truly being careless and reckless or they were victims of their own ignorance about such things. Oh, wait – that’s my bias showing up to say hi and when I started paying attention to this – and along a lot of the time segments – I had to kick my own ass and remind myself that just because I knew some shit about this didn’t mean that all guys did, well, not until they found themselves infected with something.

My jaw tends to wind up on the floor a lot these days to see men behaving the way they are about this. I came from a time where casual sex – just hooking up with a guy – was the way to do things because guys just weren’t trying to hear about anything that even hinted at being in a relationship and, yes, because that was just too gay for them. Today, men have associated the risk of STDs with casual sex which, given what I’d been learning all along, doesn’t surprise me all that much given how much, at the social level, we are against people having sex just for the hell of it and the ever-present, if not wholly unwritten rule that says the only allowable sex is relationship sex.

I’m not kidding when I say there are men out there who firmly believe that if they had casual sex with a guy, they’re going to be infected with something and they very much believe that being in a FWB relationship with a guy is safer, well, until they find out what I’ve always known: It isn’t. Usually is but not really because, as I’ve said here before, you have no idea where his dick has been when he’s not with you.

Also, from the 18 to 50 segment, married men were preferred over those guys who weren’t married or in a relationship. Indeed, I would learn that when I got married, there were more men and women who wanted to have sex with me than there was before I got married! What was up with that? Well, I’d find out; guys in a relationship tend to be more grounded and sexually experienced than guys who weren’t in a relationship. Not that they really weren’t but guys in a relationship were more… stable. I would, oh, in the 25 to 35 overlaps, wonder if it was just my imagination or were guys going about this in similar ways that women were doing. Hmm. I’d have to keep my eye on this.

I can see how the dynamic has been evolving over all this time of my life. A lot of the “same old shit” I heard in the 9 to 16 period and a lot of new shit that makes sense – like how it was “decided” that two guys having sex didn’t mean they were being less than a man – but, on the downside, well, guys just acting weird about it and rehashing stereotypes and myths and coming up with their own “shit” that, if it did anything, was keeping guys sitting on the bench and coming up with every excuse they could think of to stay on the bench.

Of course, the social shit has been flying all over the place and, again, ever since the NY Times wrote that article about bisexuality being proven to be real… which really had me questioning our collective intelligence because it’s always been real, but this also spoke to what I was learning about why we are so… childish about sex and the root of this. I’ve sat back and watched people redefining what bisexuality is and on an almost daily basis, like removing “men and women” from the definition and replacing it with “gender…” and I still don’t know what gender has to do with any of this because a transgender person can be bisexual.

I have sat back, over all these years, and watched us – the societal us – slice and dice bisexuality to a point where we’ve even made-up new words to describe it and that, to me, spoke to how… fucked up we are about sex and sexuality to see people saying that they weren’t bisexual, but they were hetero- or homoflexible… but the way they defined this was very much the definition of bisexuality. Or “being bi with the right person.” Or “It’s not something I’d do all of the time.” I’m seeing that it’s not totally true that bisexuals are confused… but society is and I still see bisexual advocates reminding society that people aren’t just straight or gay… and something I heard too much of in my 9 to 16 time segment.

Damn it, it’s true: The more things change, the more they stay the same and while I would learn that, back in time, we weren’t able to separate ourselves from the prevailing religious dogma, well, we still haven’t. We’ve gotten better but, on the whole, not so much. And the most “startling” change in the dynamic that I’ve seen is… men pursuing other men as just as they would pursue a woman, and this includes men being pickier than any woman I’ve ever known… and I’ve known a lot of women.

More often than not, I sit back and ask myself, “What the fuck is going on here?” I’ve long since understood that I’m an old school bisexual from back in the day; I’ve been “accused” of being stuck in the past about this, but I know that I’m not because you can’t go about the business of getting some dick without being “up to date” with how other men are going about this. I’m just… amazed and fascinated to see how guys are going about this in the here and now.

And very much like how we’re told we have to go about interacting with women. Being in a relationship being a must-have factor. Being so… specific in what they want and the way they want it that also reminds me of how women can be. Is this a good or bad thing? I don’t know and the jury has been out for a while in order to soak up as much information as possible… because I still don’t like not knowing and on top of all of this affecting and impacting my own ability to get my hands and mouth on some guy’s dick.

It’s still sex-focused; a thing to do but not so much a way to be for a lot of guys in particular; it’s like they don’t or can’t see how being bisexual plays into everyday stuff, like, an innate understanding that not everything is yes or no or black or white and, yeah, some advocates pitching bitches about the binary nature of things and bisexuality not being binary… and what the fuck? Maybe it’s just me but I don’t see how we can escape the binary nature of humanity… except inside our own heads. Hmm. It seems that we’re still pretty insane, huh? But this, too, speaks to things about bisexuality and how it literally frees someone’s mind from the way things are supposed to be and in ways that only humans can make… interesting and not always in a good way.

I get it because I learned it: Being bisexual is more about what’s going on in your head than what you might be doing but there’s also some evolutionary stuff going on; I learned that being heterosexual-only is a man-made construct and I know why. I learned that the gay folks who were insisting that they were born this way actually had it right – we all were but social programming did some shit about this and, yes, many rejected or broke the programming because what was going on inside their head was telling them something very different.

Like I learned that everyone, in actuality, go about their lives in the same ways and the only differences come in how they choose to do this and, yes, how they choose to have sex and at that high level of thought, um, we all like to have sex until we have reasons not to and even some of those reasons that keeps us on the bench is stuff our own minds make up for why we shouldn’t do the nasty and how so many of us are stuck in the past about shit that didn’t go right or well for us and letting that impact what we’re not going to do today.

I’ve sat back and read what experts have been saying about bisexuality and, boy, have they seriously gotten into it in ways that have little or nothing to do with human nature itself. That and it seems to me that those trying to use science to explain bisexuality, more than likely, aren’t bisexual. I’m not saying that they’re wrong, but I think they’ve not really gotten down to the root of human sexuality so much – and, yes, I know I could be wrong, and I just might be… but I’m on the inside of this so my view is different than it would be for someone on the outside and looking in or trying to.

I think that when I see people paying more attention to the sexuality of celebrities, something’s very wrong here. Something of note about this. I remember when Queen Latifah came out as bi. The “world” lost its ever-loving mind but Black folks? We knew she was, so she wasn’t telling us anything we didn’t already know about her. Why? Because we also knew that we could be very damned bisexual ourselves which made that nonsense I saw about there being no such thing as a Black bisexual laughable.

I grew up with them. Duh. I am one. Bigger duh. After becoming a blogger, I found… reason to start writing about this and not to just empty my head of all the stuff that goes on inside of it about being bisexual but to also let anyone who cared to pay attention that it’s not what they think it is because we’re still being misled about it; we are happy to believe the shit that isn’t true over the shit that is true – and that includes a lot of “today’s” bisexuals and that’s because, as I’ve seen all along, we consistently refuse to learn from history and the guy that told me that from generation to generation, this is something new and I’ll be damned if he wasn’t right about that because I can better see this now… and I better understand why it’s like that.

Have I ever mentioned how abysmally deep this rabbit hole is? I used to think that I was overthinking the whole thing… until it became apparent that I wasn’t because I’ve learned so much from 9 to 66… and I’m still learning. It has allowed me to say that having the sex is easy… but getting one’s head around the rest of it isn’t.

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