Okay, threesomes. Why this thought today? Ha, you’re asking me like I know! Anyway…
Mention this word to a bisexual and just pay attention to how they react to it and if they’re looking at you like you’ve lost your mind, I’d say that’s the “usual” response. Three “typical” verbal responses are, “Oh, hell no!,” “I’ve thought about it but I don’t think I could do it…,” and “Oh, hell yeah!”
Why is this sexual act such a “hot button” kind of thing? The answers I came up with was interesting and not all-inclusive but the one at the top of the list is that a for a bisexual in a threesome, this is the “ultimate” test of their bisexuality provided they can get both a woman and a man to indulge them. One of the other things I reasoned is that bisexuals want to share and includes, I thought, that weird compulsion to tell people that they’re bisexual.
I have heard so many threesome horror stories and to the extent that it’s generally accepted that it’s not going to work and the old adage that two’s company, three’s a crowd and sharing sex – and sharing our partner in this if in a relationship – is verboten. Don’t even think about it and don’t let the word come out of your mouth. I reasoned that because we are mandated to only have sex one-on-one and then whatever sex is happening is strictly private, doing anything other than this just freaks a lot of people out.
Can a threesome be fun and exciting? Yep. I think that for some, it’s an even better fantasy although I’ve known some bisexuals to feel… weird because they were thinking about it and some admitted that they didn’t know why they started thinking about it. Do I know? I sure as hell don’t but I have hypothesized that bisexuality tends to free one from traditional and conventional thinking about sex and, as such, the possibilities are now on the table for consideration or, if one knows about such things, well, they make sense.
Or something like that. It’s one thing to be able to confirm one’s bisexuality by taking the plunge into same-sex sex and for many, this is enough but it hadn’t escaped my attention that a lot of “newly minted bisexuals” went from taking that first plunge one-on-one with someone to thinking about threesomes and I’m not sure of the mechanism that takes place other than it sounds like a good idea and, again, I’ve been told by many that, for them, to get into a MFM threesome is, again, the ultimate test. Now, it doesn’t mean that the two Ms are going to start wrecking shop on each other but just being able to be in each other’s presence – and not freaking the fuck out over shit like incidental contact – well, that proves a lot and this is the part where I have to mention that being in a threesome isn’t a sexuality-based thing but, yeah, bisexuals are more known for bringing this up.
You don’t have to be one of the -sexuals to indulge – you just have to want to. A threesome is… kinky in that it’s not the usual way to have sex but depending on where one’s head is about having sex, it’s either a very scary proposition or a very exciting one. Now, the “bad” shit.
Mention this to a bisexual woman and do so at your own peril. It’s a “classic” negative response and guys bringing this up to a bisexual woman only serves to worsen our reputation as men and enough guys have fucked this up and epically so that bisexual women are loathe to even mention to a guy (or their guy) that they’re bisexual. Even with women, it can be one of those things that might be nice to think about but to dive right on in? Yeah, no; one bisexual woman I knew told me that she’d never go for it because the thought of having two guys trying to have their way with her just freaked her out and evoked fears of being raped. Wow – powerful shit and quite valid. Some who have wanted to have one have said that as long as they can interact more with the other woman than the guy who’s present, eh, it might not be all that bad but, yeah, so many guys have fucked up the MFF threesome so much that it remains just a thought.
That and women aren’t exactly known to be all that sharing in this… but guys aren’t either. I remember telling a woman I was involved with that I’m bisexual and the first thing out of her mouth was, “Don’t even think about asking me to be in a threesome!” I was floored because the thought wasn’t even on my mind and, yeah, I had to listen to her take something I wanted to share with her and make it all about her and insisting that I was guilty of wanting a threesome with her involved, how she felt about that, yada, yada, I should have kept my big mouth shut.
On the other side of this clusterfuck, I have known bisexual women who want a threesome but convincing her guy, well, she should have kept her big mouth shut because guys are serious funny about sharing “their pussy” with others. I’ve known guys who were quite sure that they could handle a threesome and seeing their woman getting busy with someone else and have found that, nope, they couldn’t handle it and, yes, I’ve known women who have thought the same thing and with the same result.
One of the “reasons” I thought about in regard to why threesomes don’t always go well was that we don’t know how to have sex with more than one person; in the times I’d been in one and it went south, I found that people have their own idea about how the sex is supposed to happen as well as one person almost always winding up being a spectator as the other two are getting it on and, well, it gets even more interesting from there. I’ve heard many talk about a threesome and in some pretty explicit details and among couples interested in them, a set of rules and restrictions that can make having sex cumbersome and difficult and, wow, what a clusterfuck in the making.
It’s not that they don’t happen or that they don’t go well because they do and can… just not as a matter of course and “especially” for some bisexuals because while their bisexuality can open their mind to the possibilities, they still have some stuff to learn about having sex in… less restrictive ways. Oh, my stars and garters… this gets seriously complicated which is why a bisexual contemplating a threesome – and for whatever reason they’re doing it – will, more often than not, leave it as a thought exercise or a fantasy to tantalize their imagination.
For many bisexuals, just taking the plunge is daunting enough; you have to change the way you think about sex in order to get into it and not “all bisexuals” find this easy to do so it almost stands to reason that if they have difficulties taking the plunge, engaging in a threesome just might overload their brains and uncomfortably so because it calls for being able to expunge, well, pretty much everything one knows about having sex and including the mandate that it’s one-on-one only and so private that it is not ever to be shared with anyone else and including not even talking about having sex.
Which even made me wonder why a lot of people – and bisexuals in particular – were so keen to do something that can be so terribly complicated and known to fail more than it succeeds. Other than what I’ve already said about this, if there’s a “real reason” for this bigger step outside of the box and where bisexuals are concerned, I don’t know what it is.
I grew up with this. I could be with two of my male friends and we want to do it but either we couldn’t find a fourth guy or our need to do it right now made delaying things something we didn’t want to be bothered with. As I recall, the first few attempts didn’t go well because we couldn’t figure out how all three of us could do this – and then we did figure it out but even then, someone would wind up on the sidelines while the other two guys were wailing on each other and jumping into what they were doing would often start arguments, but we would figure out how to not make this a problem because no one wanted to be left out and it “didn’t make sense” to leave someone just being there and not having any fun or having to wait their turn with someone.
The Hot in the Ass Girls were all for having sex with two guys or, if you were lucky (and as I seemed to get) if two of them were about to do it, you could be invited to join them and I found out early on that trying to make two girls happy all by myself was hard to do but if they were having fun with each other, that took a lot of pressure off of me. We just innately figured out how to do it and without pissing someone off. Indeed, we discovered that the “free-for-all” version of this worked better; just get on in there and now there’s a “pile of bodies” just all entwined and most of the time, when it was all said and done, everyone walked away happy… and walking funny, too.
And if there were more than three of us? Not a problem! Again, we just figured it out but the thing I would later get to understand about this is that, as young and horny critters, we hadn’t been “fully indoctrinated” in the way sex is supposed to be and, plainly, we didn’t know that it was the “wrong” way to do it but since the majority of us were bisexual, we were already doing it the “wrong” way which made three of us – and in any combination – having sex more exciting.
Three was nice… but four was always better because it allowed one-on-one stuff and, boy, was it fun to change partners and even more so when all four of us went both ways; no one left unsatisfied because we felt it was wrong for that to happen. I would say that down the road – and when we started developing having favorite guys and gals to have sex with, it made the whole group sex dynamic a lot more complicated and to the point where it just sucked to be with a group – three or more – and being left out of the fun because of favoritism and us becoming… insularly funny about who we’d have sex with and more of us were walking away being seriously pissed off than we were walking away with everyone being pleased and happy.
When you want it from a specific person and in a specific way, having another person in the mix, well, how’s that gonna work? Guys would get… surly if another guy was trying to get between them and the girl they were trying to have sex with and, man, it would get ugly in a hurry and I would often hear the girl in the mix being a peacekeeper and saying that there was “enough of her to go around” and we should shop acting like idiots about it. I would say that it was “easier” if both guys were bi and some girls found that if we paid some attention to each other, it gave them a break from having both us doing stuff to her… but, yeah, guys would just fuck this up because their idea of having sex, “on the whole” didn’t include having to share the pussy and, again, some guys would just not act right and to the point where the girl involved didn’t want anything to do with the situation.
Or a guy would think it would be a good idea to watch his girl having sex with him and another guy… and then find out it wasn’t. Likewise, some gals would think it would be fun if her and her girl got it on with a boyfriend and the poor guy would get to experience a woman’s scorn when he’d be having more fun with the other girl and in ways that he wasn’t having fun with her alone.
And the specter of gayness would, more often than not, haunt a lot of proposed three- and foursomes. One had to be… sexually open to get into group sex stuff but not so open to “that gay-assed shit” and, yup, guys more than gals in my experiences and observations. The whole premise just got horribly messy and, again, enough horror stories existed to make getting down like this not even worth it. I understood this… but it still didn’t explain to me why a lot of bisexuals wanted a three-or foursome to happen or had serious thoughts about it and more so when sharing sex like this was anathema.
It’s one thing to get your head around being bisexual and another thing to contemplate this… next step in one’s sexual evolution and a step that a lot of bisexuals, for some reason, found to be necessary. More proof of concept? Maybe because nothing proves one’s bisexuality more than being able to have sex with a guy and a gal at the same time, you know, if all parties were agreeable to this wide-open form of sex. It’s also how I learned about “heat of the moment” stuff, too. Let’s just say that I learned to not be surprised when someone who was against such things would be, ah, not all that much against it.
You “haven’t lived” until you’re in a threesome with a woman, you’re eating the shit out of her pussy and your dick is being sucked… and it’s not by the woman you’re eating. I have personally seen two straight women get after each other and after it was said and made clear that there would be none of that “gay shit” jumping off… and there they are doing “gay shit.” One guy said – and when his girl wanted to know why he had started sucking my dick – “It just felt like the right thing to do.” Or another guy who said, “Well, it was right there, so…” And yet another guy who told me that he was feeling kinda left out and going down on me just made sense to him, but he didn’t know why it did because he didn’t “like guys like that.”
I don’t pretend to understand why either, but the power of sex is pretty… powerful. Still, to be able to participate in group sex, one has to have their head “in the right place” to do it and it seemed to me that bisexuals just “got” their heads into the necessary place to be able to think about it and then be able to do it, you know, if you could find others who’d want to and that wasn’t even easy because, I’ll say, most people are just funny about it. Sounds like a good idea but let’s not and say we did.
It’s some scary shit. Not everyone who is bisexual can adjust to the concept of it and I think that there’s a big difference between knowing that people have threesomes but now it’s a lot more personal than that. Many say that they can’t imagine themselves having a threesome and I’ve thought this is because such a thing is… unthinkable; this is not the way sex is supposed to be! Yet, well, shit: People get into threesomes and not everyone finds that it’s a major mistake. But as with a lot of other things, we pay more attention to the horror stories than we do anything else and, you betcha, the horror stories are real, and I’ve seen my share of them unfold.
It’s a motherfucker trying to get past that “mental block” which is why I say that one’s head has to be in the right place and that place is not being stuck in the way it’s supposed to be. If one can feel very vulnerable having sex, a threesome just ramps that up and it’s just not women who have a problem with it. It’s highly theoretical; you can get folks to intelligently understand it… but. Things like slut shaming and the fear of being homosexual come into play as well as any prior sexual traumas and, yeah, it gets seriously messy and to the point where one just ain’t having anything to do with it… but I still don’t know why a lot of bisexuals get this “undoable” thing into their head other than, again, to say that bisexuality expands one’s horizons and it makes sense even if only theoretically so. It’s like a “next step” in one’s sexual evolution but one so fraught with issues that, nah, it ain’t worth the hassles and whether those hassles are real or imagined.
I… get a kick out of how people react if they asked me if I’d be a part of a threesome and I’ll say, “Sure – why not?” Ah, but that’s because I’ve been there and done that and many times; I grew up with it so it’s not something that I have to get my head around. The looks I have gotten when they tack on, “Well, what if it was two guys and a gal?” and I say, “That works.” “What if the other guy wanted to do something with you?” And I have “outed” myself by saying, “It wouldn’t be a problem.”
And it wouldn’t be for two reasons. One is, duh, I’m bisexual and the other is that I have a “different” view of what having sex means. “Shit” doesn’t have to or always happen and when with a guy who ain’t down like that, I do know how to keep my hands to myself… but after being in such a situation and the other guy said, “Yo, suck my dick!” and, well, he asked for it and I didn’t mind one bit… but afterward, oh, boy, did we have quite the conversation and beginning with him apologizing and being shocked that I blew him. Why did he say that? He said that he didn’t know… but I did and, no, I didn’t bother to explain it to him other than to say, “It happens sometimes – it’s not that big of a deal.”
And you have to know that it isn’t… and a lot of people – including some bisexuals – believe that it is that big of a deal and that group sex is too “freaky” for them and I can’t shake the thought that it’s too freaky for a lot of people because we are told that this is not the way to have sex. One person at a time… but never more than one. Being told and/or hearing that if you do this, it’s going to be the worst thing you’ve ever done and I tend to believe that if you think it’s going to be fucked up, it’s going to be fucked up and you’d go into this having this running around in your head.
Stars and garters… this is some squirrelly stuff. Too many people hear bisexual and assume that threesomes is something we all get into when the truth is a bit different, not because a bisexual might not think about this but we just don’t know how to and some folks can’t learn and, yeah, they don’t want to; it’s “freaky” enough to be bisexual.
Still, I am unable to shake or debunk the thought that if you’re bisexual, the ultimate proof of this is to be in a threesome with a man and a woman. It requires such a high degree of sexual openness that for me to say it isn’t funny doesn’t do it any real justice. Many say that they don’t need to throw it down like this to “validate” their bisexuality and I agree with this but, yeah, don’t I know differently? Even if it’s something they get to experience one time. Being able to take yet another step out of the box social norms would prefer we not step out of in any way.
I am not sure if bisexuals “innately” understand that this is a next-step kind of thing and that gets… messy because, again, one doesn’t have to be bisexual in order to want to have sex like this, but I understand that it’s something that has been associated with bisexuality; “bisexual” and “threesome” just goes hand-in-hand, and I don’t know why we became the owners of this other than maybe it being a “given” that if you go both ways, well, you’re just that freaky to begin with so getting into a threesome is part and parcel of this level of freakiness… and that could be a lot more right than I know.
What I do know is that you mention this word, chances are good someone is going to feel some kind of way about it and not a good way. Sex is one-on-one only and is to never be shared with anyone. There are many bi guys and gals who, if you uttered this word to them, will hand you your head and might even put it on a pike and as a warning to others to never, ever, say this word to them. I’ve revealed my bisexuality to others and I’ve never done it without the now-dreaded threesome word entering the conversation. Yep – bisexual women are adamant that a threesome isn’t wanted or needed and how dare you even mention it – what kind of girl do you think I am? Most bi women I know of will not let it be known that they’re bi and especially if they have a man.
It’s not always a thing of homey giving her the usual raft of shit for not being strictly-dickly but we have fucked this up big time because a woman would want to explore the sex with another woman… without him sticking his nose – and his dick – into things and, sad to say, a lot of us are prone to doing just that because the “hottest” thing for some guys is to be in a threesome with two women and watching them do each other… and that is enough to piss a lot of women off and objectifies them in ways they don’t want to be bothered with.
It takes a certain mindset to have group sex and it’s a mindset that, truthfully, a lot of bisexuals don’t have and, well, a lot of people can’t develop it. It’s not the way it’s supposed to be and it’s too private to boot. Group sex… exposes some stuff that a lot of folks would prefer to not be exposed and where bisexuality is concerned – and since we supposedly own this – it’s a next-step kind of thing that shouldn’t be taken because everyone know how fucked up it would get and it’s way too easy to assume that it will be fucked up.
This is some shit, ain’t it? Many bisexual men want to experience this and, believe it or not, so do many bisexual women either as “proof” of their bisexuality or their bisexuality has allowed them to change their views about having sex – period – and I find nothing wrong or unusual about that and, no, this isn’t my very favorable bias talking; I know what other bisexual men and women have told me about this and asking them why has tended to “boil down” to it just making sense. Well, it does… if you can get your head around it.
I would… suppose that bisexuals find it “easier” to contemplate given what it takes to get one’s head around being bisexual in the first place. If you can break the rules and have sex in the same-sex way of things, eh, having a threesome “makes sense” and, yeah, it does… and I don’t know why it does other than, once more, being bisexual greatly expands one’s sexual horizons and exposes them to the possibilities – but whether or not they can actually throw it down like that? Hmm.
You just gotta have your head in a certain place to be able to do it and enjoy it. Bisexuals don’t really own this given how many times I’ve been in a threesome with straight people and even gay dudes. It becomes a problem when individual thoughts make it a problem; I’ve seen people lock shit down tightly and I understand why they do and for no other reason than to make sure they avoid stuff they don’t want to do. A lot of threesomes I’ve been in as an adult are… scripted and especially if it’s a couple that wants to do this. I get it and I’ve had “the rules” laid out for me in ways that has gotten even me to think that, nah, it’s not worth it because if we’re gonna have sex, let’s have sex and do our best to make it fun for everyone.
It’s not like it can’t be fun with a lot of rules in play because it can be and I’ve learned that if someone suggests that we have one, okay, I’m fine with it… but how do you want to go about it? Tell me the rules and the restrictions involved; I’m flexible and I can adjust and adapt. Nothing is going to happen that you don’t want to happen but I always have an awareness of what being in the heat of the moment can make happen, oh, like Mr. Straight Guy getting it into his head that sticking a finger in my ass sounds like a good idea and, yes, I’ve had that happen. Or a guy with a “no-contact order” doing some contacting with me. I’ve learned to expect these things but I know “some shit” about having sex and I’m okay with it.
Because it’s sex. It’s being intimate in a way that really does freak a lot of people out and tends to, yeah, reveal a lot of sexual insecurities that are best left unrevealed. Things like performance issues are seriously embarrassing or someone “being out of control” can be just as embarrassing and, uh-huh, someone finding out in that moment that this wasn’t the good idea that they thought it to be. There is a whole lot of shit that has to be flushed down the toilet to be able to engage in group sex of any kind and the truth is, bisexual or not, a lot of people can’t flush the toilet.
Best sigh ever. This has been attached to bisexuality for as long as I can remember. It’s either a very fun thing to do or the worst thing ever. I am of a mind that they tend to fail a lot because the people involved have their own ideas and expectations about how this is supposed to – or should – work. I remember Cityman telling me about his first threesome with two guys… and how things did not go well at all, and I chided him for thinking that it was going to go down the way he expected to and told him that he just got an important lesson about threesomes and how people can be about getting laid and the prevailing thought that sex is only supposed to be done one-on-one.
He had shared that not only did he feel left out at times, but the other guys had also expressed this as well and Jealousy wormed its way into things; he said that one guy got totally pissed off because the other guy was having a field day sucking him and some other shit that made the whole thing break down and uncomfortably so. I told him that the mistake he made, other than the guys he decided to do this with, was assuming that everyone was going to go about this the way he envisioned it and thinking that those guys would look at this the way he looked at it.
Not that he was looking at it incorrectly, mind you and at a high level of thought but, again, he got an important lesson on how funny guys – in this situation – can be about things. He got to be in a threesome with a man and his wife and, my god, he made so many mistakes because he really didn’t “play by the rules” and didn’t pay much attention to how the couple wanted things to go. He totally alienated the bi guy in favor of very much wanting to do the guy’s wife – and that wasn’t the way it was supposed to happen. At first, he didn’t think he did anything wrong but would later admit that, yeah, he fucked it up so bad that they aren’t of a mind to invite him to join them again.
And the funny part, to me, was that I told him what not to do when he laid out what they wanted from him… and he did it anyway. And that, folks, is how you totally and completely fuck up a threesome. If it’s a “planned” thing, you just do not deviate from the plan as presented. Yes, they can happen spontaneously and can be quite interesting but can also be… clumsy and awkward when you don’t know how the other participants like their sex but it’s all about playing it by ear for the most part and asking questions if/when possible.
So much shit to and behind this being tightly associated with bisexuals and how it crosses the mind of many bisexuals; they’re either “all for it” or totally against it. Yet another example of thinking and doing not being the same things but why the thought comes up to begin with just escapes me. You learn some stuff about people and where their head is about having sex, both pro and con and I’ve learned that people have more reasons why they won’t be in a threesome than they do for wanting to be in one, bisexual or otherwise.
That’s just how it is. It’s not the sex itself but what we think and believe it’s supposed to happen or why it shouldn’t.