Way back when I was a member of the now-defunct MSN Forums and the group of married bisexual men, I got to communicate with quite a few of those members off-line and, today, I’m recalling (for some reason) one such member writing me and asking me about why the guys who came to me for their first time – or information about having it – well, why did they decide to take such a “drastic” step?
I’d written him back after going through my head to “summarize” those encounters and said that while a lot of those guys were curious about it, a large number of them wanted to know about it because they had zero success convincing girls that it’d be okay for them to have sex. Any kind of sex. I had told him that between the ages of 16 and 25 or thereabouts, there seemed to be a lot of guys in this particular predicament which made sense given that the ladies had some pretty stringent requirements and, I thought, because the pregnancy rate in the state for this age group had skyrocketed and as did incidents of contracting an STD.
So, the babes weren’t giving it up… and what’s a guy supposed to do?
The curious guys were fun to talk to and to have sex with because they’d been wanting to for a long time and many said that they weren’t able to find a guy they could talk to about it, let alone do anything. How they wound up talking to me about it was coincidence; I’d meet such a guy somewhere and we’d get to talking and at some point, having sex with guys would come up and, yeah, usually because they’d find me to their liking and felt that I could be trusted with knowing this about them. Once I’d reveal that I’d been having sex with guys for a long time (at that point), their eagerness to know all about it was… refreshing and if that’s the right word.
I’d say that most of them were very eager to suck dick. Was it true that cum is an acquired taste? When a guy fucks you in the ass, does it really hurt as bad as everyone says it does? Is it really okay to do these things with a guy but still like girls? One of the things that made encountering them fun was they were pretty much fearless because they’d resolved any fears while waiting for a guy like me to give them the introduction they’d been wanting. Like, this one guy and I got to revealing our secrets and he asked if he could suck my dick and I said that he could… and he was on me like a bad habit! We settled into a 69 and I couldn’t remember a guy being so… wired after sucking dick and being sucked off! He was literally running around in circles in the room and speed-rapping (talking really, really fast) about how good it was for him to finally experience this and what took this so long to happen and, wow – he made me tired just watching and listening to him.
Some curious guys were eager but not all that confident and from them, I’d learn more about how girls/women could utterly destroy a guy’s self-confidence by being pretty vicious when rejecting them. Those poor chaps just knew that there was something wrong with them that no girl/woman would want anything to do with them but, as it would turn out, the only thing wrong with the guy was his total lack of confidence to have sex and able to please a partner. I would find these guys somewhat fragile, for lack of a better word. I’d hear a guy say, “I want to do this (and whatever that was) but I know I’m not going to be good at it…” and, sometimes, I’d have a hell of a time trying to get them out of this headspace. Yeah, sure – we all want to be good at having sex and there’s that expectation that you’d better be good which, of course, is impossible to determine without having sex and telling them to not worry about being good at it but be willing and able to do the best you can – and just like the rest of us winds up doing.
They’d have to be… eased into things. This one guy was so worried that he wasn’t going to be good at sucking me that he was shaking like it was freezing cold outside – and it was a rather steamy 85 degrees. Calming him down took some effort and time and, honestly, I was just about the point where I didn’t want to be bothered with helping him get past this “not good enough” shit that was dominating his thoughts and feelings. But I managed to and with the aid of a couple shots of rum. He blew me and did a good job of getting me off but now it was all about letting him know that, yes, he did it right; yes, I enjoyed every moment of it; yes, we can do this again if you want to. No, none of this happened like “mercy fucks” tend to happen; I wanted him to finally find out what’s it’s like to suck dick and be sucked and… it’s okay.
The guys I had the “most problems” with were the guys who were desperate for sex and at the point where jerking off only served to piss them off. They knew there were guys who’d have sex with other guys, but their heads were already chock-full of all the dumb shit, like, if you do something with a guy, you will instantly turn gay – and I’m not joking about that one. They had a lot of fear about the being gay thing as well as being very worried about their reputations but what’s a guy to do when women flat out refuse to have sex with them? Being worried sick because they were being told that their dick wasn’t big enough and other such things and like one guy who told me that this one babe he really wanted to get with rejected him… because he wasn’t wearing an Afro.
I would see that some of those guys were getting rejected because their attitudes just flat-out sucked and, more often than not, if they got to have sex with a guy, it wasn’t going to be with me but, sure – I’ll tell you what I know about it and I’ll tell you why we’re not going to do anything unless you take care of this attitude problem you have. The guys that would often have me scratching my head were the ones who’d get turned down because they refused to eat pussy… but they wanted to find out what it was like to suck a dick. I didn’t pretend to understand that one but “in bits and pieces,” I’d find that their resistance to eating pussy stemmed from believing that bullshit that Black men don’t, won’t, and shouldn’t eat pussy.
One guy said, “Nah, man – I ain’t eating no fish… but I gotta do something so if I gotta suck a dick so I can get mine sucked, well…” Honestly, I didn’t like dealing with the desperate guys, not because they weren’t really decent kind of guys but their levels of desperation were… bothersome. Made some of them aggressive, pushy and demanding and often insultingly so at times. Oh, you’re gonna call me a faggot because I won’t blow you and that’s because your attitude is pretty shitty… but you’re still demanding that I do it and not realizing that if that makes me a faggot, it makes you one, too.
I would… help some desperate guys with this but the majority of them would have to find that relief with some other dude who’d be willing to put up with shit like this.
The forum member and I exchanged a lot of snail-mail with each other before getting on the phone and having hours-long conversations. He was still looking for his first experience to satisfy his curiosity and felt that I was the “perfect guy” to do this with… except we lived in different parts of the country. Which always seems to happen and for reasons I’ve never understood except to say that Mr. Murphy just loves fucking up shit. He had asked me if I’d ever given a guy his first experience… because it just happened, and I said that I had and quite a few times and now, after the fact, we’re both sitting and talking and trying to figure out how the hell that happened.
I regaled the member with one such experience when I was 16 and hanging with a guy at his house and we were playing chess. I’d made a move that told me it would be mate in three moves, and I could tell the moment when he saw it. He started to move, and I thought he was going to tip his king over and got the shock of my life when he kissed me! The whole thing devolved at that point and we’re on the floor sucking each other like it was the end of the world and when I say that he blew a huge load, it’s not any exaggeration!
We’ve both cum and we’re on the floor gasping for air and he gets enough air in his lungs to ask me, “How the fuck did that happen?”
“You’re asking me? You started it!” I replied.
“I know! Why did I do that?” he asked.
“I have no idea,” I said, and it was true: I didn’t. I still don’t. He couldn’t really tell me what he was thinking about in that moment and the best he could say was, “I… just had to do it. I don’t know why I had to. You’re not mad at me, are you?”
Oh, hell, no I wasn’t!
The hardest questions that member had asked me was, “Why does this happen to you?” That was a good question and one that I had wanted to know the answer to as well. We’re on the phone and I had him laughing hysterically when I told him that I thought I had a sign on me that only guys could see and it said, “For a good time, ask me!” – because that’s what it felt like to me. I said that sometimes, it’s about being in the right place at the right time although I’d had some guys specifically looking for me and because someone they knew – and I’d had sex with them – had “recommended” me. I didn’t know how I felt about that since it technically violated the “I won’t tell if you won’t” rule but, okay.
This was before the notion of “gaydar” came to be, but I’d told the member that it just seemed to me that some guys could sense that if they wanted to find out what it was like to have sex with a guy, I’m the guy they need to talk to about it. True enough and with some guys, they’d tell me that I was easy to talk to about this and I answered all of their questions and in a way that, if they were afraid to go for it, they just stopped being afraid and the one thing a lot of those guys told me when I’d ask them, “Why me?” was that they felt or I had proved that I could be trusted.
The member said, “Damn… I wished we lived closer together!” It was a sentiment I’d hear from many of the forum members I would be in touch with, and I was learning so much from them even as they were learning some stuff from me. One guy had said, “Man, you are seriously real about this, aren’t you?” and my first thought was that, yeah, I’m seriously real about it because it didn’t make any sense to me to not be real about it and that’s what I’d told him. Sure, getting some dick is “fun and games” and all that but taking that step into shattering the taboo and risking getting caught up in all the anti-homosexual bullshit? Yeah, that’s some shit that I felt could not be taken lightly. I learned from guys who had a bad first experience that bullshitting a guy about any of this is… a huge mistake.
Is it really an acquired taste? Yeah, it is and even when you get used to it. Does it hurt that bad? Yep, it sure can and the pain doesn’t always go away and that depends on some stuff that involves both guys. Can it make you gay? Well, no, not really but I knew guys who, after having their first time, they realized that they were gay or they’d decided that being gay was “better” than playing games with women and jumping through all of the hoops – then being told, nope, you ain’t getting any of this good stuff.
This level of desperation can be devastating. A guy would tell me that he wanted to try this out because he couldn’t get any pussy and after listening to him and getting a feel of him, well, hmm – I don’t know why the ladies were kicking him to the curb because he’s really a decent kind of guy. Some guys would be like, “I kinda don’t want to do this… but I gotta do something!” and hearing – and sometimes feeling – their desperation was often heartbreaking for me to experience… but this was just the way it was and very likely the way it’s always been.
One such guy had asked me, “Why the fuck does this sound like a good idea?” and… I told him that I didn’t know; it just sounds like the thing that has to be tried and how this pops into a guy’s head? Still don’t know how that works and more so when the guy in question honestly says that until this moment, the thought had never crossed his mind. I just had no explanation for it. I would find it hard to relate to a guy’s level of desperation because while I’d have my share of being kicked to the curb, it wasn’t that big of a deal because I knew there were guys who’d be more than willing to do something and by the time I got married (and things went to being open), it wasn’t like I was hurting from a lack of sex and like so many guys were.
I couldn’t relate to it… but I could learn what it was like for them, and it was important since, in that timeframe, I was having sex with a lot of guys from the very curious to the very desperate. In later years, I would be thinking about this and all the guys who’d come to me and… I wouldn’t have sex with them because they were doing it for all the wrong reasons – and that for me meant they didn’t have a positive attitude – or they had really bad attitudes and/or they just didn’t… feel right. Sometimes, I’d feel so much empathy and compassion for a guy’s plight because I would have the sense that if he didn’t experience this, things would go badly for him, and I still don’t know what would make me feel this way, but I’d learn to not question it a whole lot since I wasn’t getting any answers.
Sometimes, shit really does happen and for no apparent reason. Or maybe it does? This one tends to give me headaches like the guys who I’ve been talking to about general “guy stuff” and they’ve asked, “Why do I want to suck your dick?”
I dunno; you’re asking me like I should know why and more so when they’d also say that if they’d thought about that before, it was the last thing on their mind. Was it something about me, some wakeup call they got in that exact moment, the moment was “ripe” for this to happen, all of the above, or for some other unknown reason? I didn’t know then and I don’t know now. And me sounding like an idiot to respond to such a question with, “Um, do you really want to?” or something along those lines and… dicks would get sucked… but why did he want to in the first place?
I would learn, over this period of time, that once a guy could get over his fears, the next hurdle to get over was being confident and not worried about not being good at it. Being good at it comes with practice and I’d tell them this but I’d also let them know that I’d had some first-time guys blow me like they’ve been doing it all of their life instead of it being their first time. I would learn that some guys have this… stuck in their head so much that they just “figure out” how to do it and when they get that chance to, holy shit – dude, did you tell me the truth that this is your first time? Guys would say, “It felt like the right way to do it…” and did I know why? Nope – sure didn’t!
I would feel a great sense of… honor to be able to give a guy his first sexual experience with another guy. A lot of that came from encountering guys who had already had that first experience, but it didn’t go well for them and hearing some of the ways it went south on them would sometimes infuriate me because they got tossed into the pool to sink or swim, would wind up sinking, and the other guy wasn’t of a mind to stop them from sinking. So being able to show and prove to them that it’s really not that bad and just because it was fucked up then doesn’t mean that it’s going to be fucked up now… because I don’t believe in doing that shit. I mean, I got tossed in and it was an amazing experience but, yeah, some guys got shafted and not in a good way so it was on me to not be that guy.
Even if that meant trying to talk him out of it. Their head… wasn’t in the right place. Their reason for wanting to do this wasn’t quite right. Sometimes, now wasn’t the time for them to experience or I wasn’t the right guy and even not the guy they really wanted to experience this with. I would sometimes tell a guy that he really needs to think about this and, preferably, when his mind is more… settled. If they do this and they still want to experience it, okay, come on back and we’ll see what’s up.
And, yeah, despite everyone’s best efforts, sometimes that first time didn’t go quite right for them. A guy gets into that “after the fact” period and his mind is pretty messed up because he did something that he wasn’t supposed to do and they’re unable to reconcile things and no matter how much I’ve tried to help them do this. That doesn’t feel good and, to me, it always felt like a failure on my part when, in truth, it’s just what can happen with some guys so it’s no one’s fault. I got to understand this… but it still didn’t feel good.
Now it was on me to accept the failure and learn from it. A lot of those guys on that forum were either very curious or very desperate. It sometimes didn’t help that there were gay men in this group, and some were trying to convince other members that they were really gay and all that crap. We eventually got those guys out of the group, but the “damage” had already been done for a lot of the members. Their fears were escalated big time and myself, as well as the other knowledgably members, had a hard time convincing those guys that, no, having sex with a guy does not frigging mean that you’re really gay! Dude, this is a forum for bisexual men!
It was a sad day when Microsoft made that forum go away; there were a lot of really cool guys there and it was a good and safe place for bi guys to gather… after we got rid of the riffraff and other troublemakers. Before it got shut down, a lot of the guys who were sitting on the bench gain the confidence to get off the bench and do whatever it was they wanted to do with guys and not allowing the stigma to fuck with them. Some of the married ones came out to their wives and successfully so, well, most of the time which is a good thing considering the difficulties involved in this.
One guy actually traveled to meet me in person, and it was an amazing experience and one that I might write about some other time if I haven’t already. That first experience makes all the difference in the world and it’s better to go into it via an informed decision than it is to dive in and not really knowing how deep the pool can be. And it’s an honor to give a guy that first experience and some of the funnier moments have been about me letting them know that, sure, if you want to do this with me, it’s not about me. I might be horny but there’s nothing new about that and, as an aside and in these situations, I’m usually not horny and probably because being horny might color what I say and, sheesh, that might not be a good thing since it could get me to push him into a decision he might not want to make and that’s a mistake.
And, yeah, if I am horny, I have to be mindful not to let that “do the talking.” But, sometimes, I’ve had to let them know that, yup, all of this talk has me very horny because I learned that it’s sometimes very important for the guy to know that I do want to blow him or I want him to learn how to blow me, whatever happens to be on the menu and, usually, fucking isn’t the first thing a lot of guys want to get into but it could – and has – come up later. Letting a guy know that, yeah, buddy – I want to do this with you gives them the confidence that I believe is needed to do it so not coming across or giving a vibe that could say, “I’m not really all that interested” could be a very bad thing for him… and me, too.
Guys want to know if they are going to be cared about in this. Not in a romantic sense but I’ve heard a lot of horror stories where a guy wanted his first time with a guy and that dude was like, “Why you bothering me with this?” and then having sex with the first-timer just to get him off his back and stop bugging him about it. That’s yet another mistake and one I was not going to make because as I’ve said in the many times I’ve written about this specific moment, I know how it can go seriously wrong since I’ve sometimes have had to do “damage control” because of what some other fool did.
Sometimes I think that there are people who think that bi guys just have sex just for the hell of it and there’s some truth to this but that’s usually with guys who are already experienced in these things and not so much for guys for which this is some new and scary shit for them… and I don’t hesitate to let them know how scary it can be and how important it is for them to, well, don’t be scared. We’ll take it nice and easy; you can stop this at any time you want and for any reason you want to and, in this, it’s important for them to know that I am not going to be pissed with them or otherwise think badly of them.
Because I also know how guys can freak out at any point… and it still ain’t pretty when they do so it’s on me to not let them freak out and if they do, let them know that everything is okay. And, yeah, sometimes getting bashed by other guys because I do care what happens to them because if I’m not going to care about how this life-changing thing is going to impact them, who’s supposed to?