Interacting with guys, from just hanging out to, um, doing the deed if it’s like that. Sometimes, it really is a just-sex kind of thing and sometimes it can turn into more than that and as my protege keeps finding out.
His current FWB is giving him da bizness about him having sex with other guys and women and “hinting” at a more exclusive kind of thing which I find… amusing since this guy is having sex with other guys as well. It’s one of those things where it’s okay for him to sleep with other men but he’s having some issues about my protege doing the same thing.
Which tends to bug the shit out of him. The two of them are an “odd couple” even though they are not in a relationship with each other. My protege is bi, his FWB is gay and… this tends to get interesting and, yes, been there myself and dealing with the same “complaints.” You have a conversation about how things are gonna go in this situation and trying to make it as NSA as possible – unless one is looking to attach some strings. Once this is understood and accepted by both parties, things can go forward and, hopefully, smoothly and without too many bumps in the road…
Like your FWB giving you da bizness about who else you’re giving the dick to… and it’s not a health concern thing. I tend to… laugh at my protege when he tells me about this because (1) he just seems to connect with guys who’d love to take him off the market and (2) I get to tell him – again – that this is what he gets for being good at what he does and in this situation, yeah, he must be giving his FWB some serious dick for the guy’s feelings to jump to the front of the line.
Then we get to talking about this – again. I remind him that sex has a master key to our emotions; I remind him that all of us are of a mind that if we run into someone who really resonates with us and “all across the board,” it’s pretty normal to (1) catch feelings and (2) want to be monogamous and exclusive with that person. Now, if this is something the other person is interested in, it’s not a problem but, yeah, if there is no interest in taking things in this direction, it can get interesting and not always in a good way.
I’ve had gay men try to convince me to come over to the gay side and forget being involved with women; I’ve had them “lose their minds” because I tell them – again – that I’m not interested in such an arrangement and there’s no way in hell that I’m giving up women and… now it’s all about them, how they feel, what they want from me other than whatever sex we’re having and why can’t I be like him?
Um… because I’m not. It’s not like I don’t know about having a gay boyfriend – I had one and, whew, what a rush that was and more so when I thought that it was impossible. I learned so much about this kind of relationship, but I didn’t have to get da bizness from him over having sex with my wife because he understood what the deal was before we even agreed that, yes, let’s have a relationship and I’ll just say that he got to understand why I like pussy and leave it at that. The main point was that he didn’t give me any grief about anything but in my experiences with gay men, my boyfriend was more the exception than the rule… and whatever the frigging rule is and means.
Sure, lots of one-off sex with gay men which is all well and good and many of them would try to turn me to the gay side but didn’t give me shit about not wanting to do that… and some of them got pretty dramatic and, sometimes, really nasty about it. Stuff like this taught me about that nonsense about bisexuals not being able to commit to one person thing because I have, in fact, heard this more from gay men than any other source. I get it and I had to because some guys were really upset that (1) I wasn’t giving up women and (2) I’m not really gay like they are.
It’s not like they didn’t understand my situation and my position regarding anything other than us having sex; I learned that, yeah, I’d better be clear about it so that some guy isn’t going to [again] ask me to leave my wife for them. What I had to do was understand how and why they were feeling the way they were and… as always, I learned some stuff and stuff that, by the time I got a boyfriend, made sense since just because the other guy is gay, it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have feelings of wanting to “belong” to someone and that they look at this in the same way everyone goes about finding someone to call their own and between things like personality and, um, how good the sex is, it makes sense that those guys wanted me to be gay and trying to convince me leave my wife to be with them.
My protege is a great guy and I fuck with him and saying that he’s a gay man’s wettest dream and that he’d make some guy a great husband. Why? Because of his personality and he’s not really a bad looking guy (even though I yank his chain about that); he’s amiable, generous, conscientious and has all of the qualities one would want in someone when a relationship is possible and… apparently, he is very good in bed and he stays horny. He’s all about male bonding and having the kind of male friends that are okay with them having sex but he’s not going to commit to anything beyond FWB and I cannot say anything other than that here.
Yesterday and because his FWB had a bit of a hissy fit about his activities, he said that he might have to rethink this whole sex thing… and I asked him, “Rethink it in what way?” and, later, asked him why he would do that but, for me, it was a rhetorical question because I knew he was reacting to what his FWB had to say which is something that he should be aware of but doesn’t mean that he has to change himself over what the FWB said… unless he wanted to be in a monogamous relationship with a guy.
And I reminded him to never say never about this one; if you think it’s not possible, you can expect Mr. Murphy to show up and teach you some real deal shit and why you should never say never and like myself and a whole lot of other people have found out. He mentioned having a talk with his FWB and I asked him why because all he was going to do was tell the guy something he already knows. I suggested that he just… monitor things but, yeah, he might have to have that conversation with him, but I did also remind him that there is nothing he can do about how someone else feels other than, at the very least, accept that this is how they feel, and you don’t have to do anything about it if you don’t want to or can’t.
He told me that his FWB said that he’s flustered because he can’t figure my protege out and, well, that doesn’t surprise me a whole lot because dealing with a bisexual isn’t “that easy” because of the dual nature of what we are. It’s almost like “I’m bisexual” goes right over some guys’ head or, gay men look at other men and see potentially gay men and that’s understandable and… the heart wants what the heart wants. He said that his FWB wants to see him have sex with a woman and that didn’t surprise me because, as surprising as it may seem, there are gay men who don’t know about being with a woman and, as such, can’t see or understand the attraction. Personally, I felt that, well, how can it not be understood? It’s not even close to rocket science but this, too, taught me some stuff about how some guys think and why they think the way they do.
It’s… complicated. I sometimes think that we “forget” that sex has power and, like I said, it has a master key to unlock emotions that we might not want to get unlocked and… that’s just the way it is. If it’s that good to you, you can hardly help wanting more of the same and if they’re consistently kicking your ass into the next county, well, it can be… bothersome to know that this person is doing the same thing to other men and, oh, yeah, women. I’m never trying to be insulting but when I had to deal with this, I saw that there’s a disconnect happening because I can’t and don’t think like a gay man and the gay men giving me da bizness didn’t and couldn’t think like a bi man and, as such, our ideals of the whole love, sex, and relationship thing are… different but at the high level, not even different as far as what everyone is doing in this pursuit and, of course, if/when things get to the relationship phase, it’s all about being monogamous and giving up whatever other interests you may have and, well, you’re on lockdown and that’s just the way it is and has to be.
I remember having this conversation with a guy and asking him if he really believed that it was possible for me to just forget and give up women and not even think about them… and he told me that in order to be with him, I had to and I pointed out to him that he was assuming that I wanted to be with him like and I didn’t. Totally fine with having sex. I could – and because I had permission – take on a boyfriend but I was already in a seriously complicated relationship with three women, and I knew that they weren’t trying to hear anything about another guy being in the mix. He said that it didn’t make sense to him that I’d want to deal with women, which had me thinking if he had an axe to grind with women or he just believed that because he was a gay man, he’s not to ever have anything to do with women except maybe being friends.
He wasn’t happy and I did feel bad that he was feeling the way he was but… that’s the way it was. I understood his feelings and, again, I didn’t like hurting them, but it always remains true that just because this is what you want doesn’t mean that the other person is going to want it and even if they did, they still have to be able to engage like this. And it all lends itself to how I’ve heard gay men say that, bluntly, bi guys ain’t shit and then understanding why they feel this way.
We – bisexual men – aren’t gay men. We can have sex like we are but anything beyond that is dependent upon what the bi guy is willing to entertain and what he isn’t. I’ve hurt the feelings of a lot of gay men and… there’s nothing to be said or done about it because I’m not gay and I love the shit out of women and their very delicious pussies… and I can’t even imagine myself… not being myself. It’s a pain in the ass but it’s one that is also understandable and… it can get complicated and messy.
I don’t have anything against gay men but when sex is in play, well, I got to learn about that master key because I’ve gotten unlocked more times than I care to admit to and it’s seriously fucked up to get unlocked and then find out that the other person, well, they have other plans. And then learning to accept that they don’t want things to go the way I’m feeling they need to go and… messy. Frustrating. If only they were more like me so that they could better understand but… they aren’t like me and asking them to is… unreasonable and unrealistic because they have a commitment to themselves to… be themselves first and foremost.
I’m typing all of this and I have that look on my face and my head is trying to start hurting because I know there’s no easy way to deal with this situation when Person A is very smitten and thinking about a more exclusive kind of thing and Person B… isn’t even interested in taking things to this level. I’ve been of a mind that this is another one of those things where Person A can intelligently understand Person B’s position but emotionally? Yeah, not so much. It is of great interest to note that this isn’t totally a sexuality thing but some stuff that I’ll say everyone goes through and regardless to sexuality.
The heart wants what it wants and it’s not going to be happy to not get what it wants. You can keep your own feelings in check… but you can’t do shit about how the other person feels and they’re feeling this way… because you got them to feeling this way… and ain’t that about a bitch? I think that we – men – think that we can just have sex with each other and avoid any emotional entanglements and like so many of us do regarding women. We want them and not just for sex and… she’s not feeling it. It hurts and no matter how many times you wind up experiencing this and if you understand being rejected by a woman in this, it’s not all that hard to understand it when the people involved are both men.
Complicated, frustrating and very messy. We perceive that there are different… mandates that are part and parcel of one’s sexuality, but I got to learn that there really isn’t any different mandates because we all want someone we can have sex with, and we want someone we can love and be in a relationship with. And it sucks horribly when one of these things doesn’t happen or happen the way we want them to and it’s two ships passing in the night and a seriously foggy night at that. Even among bi guys, you have the one “camp” who is of a mind that catching feelings is to be avoided; let’s just have mad crazy sex with each other and not take things beyond the friendship that’s been established. In the other camp are the guys who very much want feelings to be caught and to be in a situation that’s more than just having sex and, I guess these days “classically,” that would be an FWB situation and if it can be exclusive, so much the better.
What a fucking clusterfuck this can be but it’s one that erases the sexuality lines and that’s not hard to understand but let’s say preferences within The Big Three are… different. Opposite sex, same sex, both sexes and getting the twain to meet on some common ground isn’t impossible but it can be messy because one doesn’t really want to hurt someone else’s feelings but, yeah, it happens and sometimes because it has to happen; our goals aren’t compatible past a certain point.
A gay man told me that when he’s my woman, he expected me to give up women and pussy because he would be all I needed and could give it to me better than any woman. I didn’t laugh due to the seriousness of the conversation but what I knew – and what I told him – was that, bluntly, there was no way in hell I was going to do that because I can’t do it. I’m bisexual in both thought and deed and now you’re asking me to do and be something that I don’t want to do or be. Which makes me the bad guy. I get it. I really get it. It’s just the way things are in this and the way it’s always been when one person wants this and the other would prefer to chew glass.
Setting aside feelings of jealousy, envy, obsessiveness and possessiveness is a bitch and a half to do and like how some guys can’t handle the fact that the woman they’re with now… was someone else’s woman in the past and, well, you know. I know I had to learn to rid myself of these things because holding onto the was causing me a lot of emotional pain and over stuff that I couldn’t do anything about – and that included what someone else was feeling about me and/or what they wanted from me that wasn’t just sex. Again, I know what it’s like to be in love with a guy and how wonderful it was being in a relationship with him and more so when we… understood each other. My bisexuality wasn’t a problem or issue for him and he even said that my being bi was what attracted him to me in the first place… and I can only guess how he knew that but I think I know who told him. Not a problem, really.
I never had to listen to him “ranting and raving” about what I had to do being married and it wasn’t like I wasn’t spending quality time with him – and the kind where you can keep your clothes on, too. I had a problem dealing with and understanding his emotions at times and he knew that because we would talk about how things were going with us and if I was having an “interesting” time getting a grip on this, he was as well and the whole relationship was amazing because we understood each other as far as sexuality went and we didn’t allow our sexuality differences to get in the way of how we felt about each other.
I learned some important shit being with him. I got a seriously up-close look at the “gay mind,” if you will and what I learned from him helped me to understand why guys I’d had sex with before him were behaving the way they were – and then see it in a big picture way or, he wasn’t behaving any differently than I did when I met my wife and fell in love with her. I learned that sexuality aside, it’s not all that different but I also learned that there are a lot of gay men who aren’t so able to emotionally understand this. And… the power of sex. Combine that with a personality that just resonates with someone and, well, what do you think they’re going to be thinking and feeling?
And, at least for myself, feeling some kind of way because I knew I was going to hurt their feelings because I didn’t want what they wanted. I can’t not be bisexual. I wouldn’t even try to “guarantee” that I’m not ever going to want to have sex with a woman. I’d already learned that monogamy is a joke and very damned unreasonable since you really cannot control someone else’s feelings and can barely do something to prevent them from acting on their feelings and, yeah, monogamy is some seriously fucked up shit that I would prefer not to have anything with but that’s a whole different kind of scribble and one I’ve done a few times. I don’t dismiss the fact that I just might meet a guy and fall in love with him because if it happened before, it can happen again. It’s not a… goal for me. I can reasonably think and feel that my bisexuality is going to give my new gay boyfriend some fits at some point because my focus isn’t going to be 100% on him because I have an incurable case of pussy on the brain… and I don’t want to be cured of it.
It stands to reason that if he wants what he wants, I want what I want… and it’s not just dick. I’m going to have to deal with any fears he will likely have that I’m going to cheat on him and I’m not going to guarantee that I won’t since, unless he agrees to the condition I know I’m going to put on the table, cheating on him will be the only way I will be able to take care of my other sexual needs and when I want to eat pussy and, um, make it messy, my boyfriend doesn’t have one and, sheesh. Am I admitting that I’d cheat on him? I guess I am because if I don’t understand anything else, I understand that needs must. I understand that I’m not being who and what I am by being something and someone that I know I’m not. Don’t get me wrong – I can be monogamous… but I’m not going to like it and I do have a problem with a way of life that tells me that I can’t have what I want and just because I’m in a relationship and…
Messy as anything can get. I don’t know what my protege is going to do if his FWB is really making a move to take him off the market and essentially turn him into a gay man. I’m almost sure that my protege isn’t of a mind to go this route and, yeah, him walking away from women and pussy? Not gonna happen and it can’t happen; I understand this and I think his FWB intelligently understands this but another thing I learned is that logic and intelligence tends to not be proof against strong emotional stuff.
Yes, you gotta know that I told him that this is what he gets for being good at what he does… and what he’s exceptionally good at is… being who he is. I’ve often told him that the way he can understand this is to think of any time in his life where he’s been dealing with a woman because there’s not a lot of differences going on here so what an FWB is saying about how he feels and all that should sound very familiar to him. I advised him not to “lose his cool” over having to go through this again. Just be cool and keep an eye on things; maybe this is a one-time “gripe” and because of something else I’m not at liberty to mention but, yeah, I can see how that something else could get this guy fussing about some stuff. If it’s a one-time gripe, fine. Do nothing other than what you guys are already doing. But if it continues, then you’re gonna have to think about how you’re going to handle things when they start to stress your sensibilities. He’s made it clear to me that he doesn’t want to have a boyfriend and it’s not like his FWB doesn’t know this… but. This guy is… expressing how he feels and if I’m not mistaken, this is the first time he’s done something like this and for my protege, it’s a new record because he’s had FWBs who have gotten to this moment rather quickly.
Better him than me but, as his mentor, I got his back… but I also have his FWBs back because I understand how he feels and what’s making him feel this way. It’s yet another of those occupational hazards that aren’t necessarily related to sexuality but when you toss that into the mix, it gets… interesting and not always in a good way because the heart wants what it wants; you take a great personality and combine it with near-consistent mind-blowing sex and… what do you think is gonna happen? Sheesh, I’ve just blown gay guys and I’ve had them go all relationship-mode on me and I couldn’t make sense of it until I eventually put it all together and… damn. Yep, I thought about giving up having sex with guys because of this but why should I stop being the way I am because of how someone else feels? It’s not “my fault” that I am what I am and it’s not the way some gay men wanted me to be: Both monogamous and gay.
Yeah, I just can’t see myself doing this. I will never say never again but I know me. Women… yeah. Them. So gloriously insane and so glorious to be intimate with. Gives me some delicious chills and they will always have this effect on me and I’m going to always want them because living by dick alone is something that is possible… but I don’t want to do and no matter how I might be feeling about a guy. That’s me. It’ll be interesting to see how this turns out for my protege and his FWB. Hopefully, this is just a hiccup but the reality says that it might not be – it could be a big pothole but that remains to be seen.
A very heavy sigh. I… understand this because I found myself having to understand why some gay dude were giving me so much grief about being bisexual and not wanting anything more from them than sex and being made to understand that they’re human and prone to catching feelings and just like all of us are and… you learn some hard lessons about some stuff and you’re revising what you think you know, taking a close look at yourself and all kinds of stuff and, yeah, sometimes, hurting someone’s feelings because you can’t be to them what they want you to be.
C’est la vie. Seriously because this is not a joking matter.