Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 27 September 22

27 Sep

I remember stumbling across my father’s stash of dirty books. The apartment we lived in at the time was really a one-bedroom place but the “dining room” area was big enough to serve as my parent’s “bedroom” as well. I was playing with a ball and it got away from me and rolled under their bed and I went after it and… found all of these books under there!

I pulled one out and I saw the title of it – and I don’t remember what that was now – and my curiosity said, “Read it!” and… it was about sex. A whole lot of it. I remember my dick being so hard that it hurt and, as a friend had showed me a couple of weeks before, if my dick was hard and hurting, here’s what you do to make it stop hurting. I found myself in the bathroom reading this book and jerking off so many times in quick succession that I gave myself a friction burn and went through a whole roll of toilet paper cleaning up the messes I’d made.

I found myself raiding his stash every chance I got. My “mistake” was not knowing that he knew how he had his stash arranged so every time I swiped a book and put it back, well, he knew someone was messing with them and I’d have to say that he knew it was me because I looked under there one day and… they were gone. Obviously, he had moved them but, eh, he wasn’t good at hiding them because I found them again.

And some of those books were all about guys having sex with guys. It was like I’d found the Holy Grail or something because this was something I also knew about and, whew, I would find myself rubbing a lot of them out, absorbing what I was reading and, like some of the other guys were also doing, sharing what I’d read and learned with the fellas and, sure – let’s try that! It got us into roleplaying and, um, usually someone being the father and someone being the son and who had to be “punished” for stuff like chewing and cracking gum too loud or not loud enough but any old excuse to mete out punishment worked to get us naked, hard, and very busy emptying our young balls at an “alarming” rate.

I would, one day, realize that sometimes those very dirty books were used to seduce other guys by giving it to the guy to be “seduced” and telling him, “Just read it!” and if the guy didn’t run like hell once he saw what the book in question was about, it would definitely give him a major boner that, um, well, I can take care of that for you if you want me to. And even if the guy was one of them who weren’t of a mind to join us in our nasty fun, with him getting more than an eyeful of written porn and having a painful erection and balls would get them to… submit to the now tried and true method of taking care of the problem.

For some, reading whatever gay dirty books we could manage to get our hands on was yet again seriously eye-opening since we recognized the sex being written but for others, yeah, freaked them out and had them heading for the hills. There were no dirty books specifically written for bisexuality but, many years later, I had found a website that had nothing but those old dirty books on them that could be read online or downloaded in EPUB format and, yeah, I recognized damned near all of them and even remembered the storylines of quite a few of them. There were some where a guy would be all nice and heterosexual and having sex with girls/women and find himself being introduced to dick and “usually” by being made to suck dick and being conscripted to the bottom role of anal sex.

Hmm. That explained some stuff as I would hop in the time machine and go back in time to look at specific situations where a guy who, normally, didn’t join in our fun would tell me that they wanted to try something they read in a dirty book and, um, would I stick it in there and do it to him? Sure! I would get around to asking them why they changed their mind and wanting to do this, and they would say that it was just something they thought would be a good idea to try and let’s say that many had that good idea confirmed and some found that reading about being fucked in the ass and really being fucked in the ass were definitely two very different things.

And, yeah, I’m still kicking my ass over not seeing how even this early form of porn had some influences on us where sex, having sex, and sexuality were concerned.

I know my young and very impressionable mind absorbed a lot of what I was able to read. My father got “better” at hiding the new books he was getting and Adult Me would remember the layout of that apartment and realize that there were only so many places he could hide them and there was nowhere in that apartment to hide stuff that I hadn’t discovered either on purpose or purely by accident. And if I wasn’t spending my time having sex with my male and female friends, I was spending a lot of time jerking off to the “improbable” but highly exciting written sex. The gay ones were… educational, not so much in the actual sex that would take place but the many ways an “innocent” guy could and would wind up learning the same things I’d been learning about sex with other guys – and a lot of those guys weren’t really as innocent as the books would have you believe – but that’s the fun thing about reading and how you can start to read a book and the characters can be clueless about something but you know what’s gonna happen before it actually does.

I would say that if nothing else, those books influence and “encouraged” us to have sex. The girls, well, they were getting to the point where they weren’t having any of it but that was okay because even if we were doing something that was regular boy/girl sex, being in the role of the girl in a story wasn’t that far of a stretch of our imaginations and, um, shit, how many times did I eagerly volunteer to be the girl? A whole lot of times. We learned by doing and, yeah, I’ll say that some of what we learned to do came courtesy of those dirty books and as far as situations were concerned. Those of us who were deep into it already knew how to suck a dick and swallow cum and we knew how to stick it in and fuck someone as well as the joy of having it stuck in and getting creamed.

Adult Me is thinking that if it was possible for boys to get pregnant, we would have been in the very deep doo-doo given how much sperm we happily pumped into each other. It’s all very indicative of how we learned about any of this: What one of us learned was shared with the others.

Oh, and before I forget, that site I mentioned earlier doesn’t exist anymore but, um, yeah, I downloaded a lot of them in EPUB format and they’re on my hard drive… somewhere. I think. I’d have to look for them.

I remember the first time I saw visual porn. This one guy got found his father’s 8mm “dirty flicks” and the projector used to watch them and got a bunch of us together so he could share his find with us. It took the lot of us a bit of time to figure out how to make it work but we figured it out and, oh, boy. It was straight porn but we were mesmerized by all the women with lot of hair down there as well as all the men with really big dicks (and a lot of hair as well). We had started out jerking off and almost immediately or, in film time, about two minutes into the film and… things went downhill pretty quickly.

There were guys present who hadn’t done it with a boy… but they were now very eager to and Adult Me understands why and how… simple the reason they gave into it: When your dick is serious hard enough for it and your balls to start hurting, you’d do anything to make it stop hurting. A lot of dicks got sucked and a lot of sperm got swallowed; dicks went into asses or between the cheeks to be fucked and creamed and while the film wasn’t that long, shit, we were so deep into what we were doing with each other that none of us noticed that the film had ended or when it did. And then we had the nerve to load up another one.

Adult Me now remembers three guys who became bisexual that day. I don’t think that they had this “in mind” and as a way to have sex but when you’re with a bunch of guys watching a dirty porno flick and they’re all sucking each other, you didn’t want to be the guy sitting on the side and watching what was happening… and with your dick hard and balls starting to hurt. I seem to recall that no one made them join in and I do remember one guy telling the other that everyone else was doing it so they might as well do it, too, and the third guy, I dunno, maybe he just said, “Fuck it!” to himself and just jumped into the action… and the three of them very much found it to their liking. They found out what the rest of us already knew: Sex with girls was amazing and good… but so was having sex with a boy.

And, man, I’m still pissed that this… connection went right over my head but, I guess that, in my own defense, I was too busy being bisexual to think about how porn had lent its influence sexually and, shit, in some situations that I can now remember, someone’s sexuality. Damn it, how many times did I go hookup with a guy at his house and he put on some gay porn, and he’d tell me that he got into this by watching what was playing out on the screen?

A lot of times, as it turns out and I can now really remember. What I would find amusing were those guys I’d hook up with and they put on the porn upon my arrival and now they’re asking me if I ever did whatever was on the screen or would I like to and me telling him that there was probably nothing in that porno that I hadn’t done already and more times that I cared to remember. Adult Me remembers the one guy who was very new to this and, thanks to some gay porn he’d gotten his hands on, wanted to 69 with me and had admitted that he had never 69’d with anyone. Ever.

He got quite the wakeup call, too, to discover that watching it on a screen isn’t the same as doing it; he didn’t realize that it takes having the ability to focus on what’s going on as to not be distracted by what’s going on and, oh, yeah – deep throating a guy’s dick isn’t as easy as it looks, either. Neither is swallowing cum. My… bias was, at this point in my life, in full effect and I very much remember us sitting and talking and me telling him that what we were watching was art overly exaggerating life and stuff gets scripted, scenes get shot and redone and edited and you just can’t believe everything you see when you’re watching porn and then trying to do it. The second go-round was better, but it did have me thinking that guys looking for their first dick experience probably shouldn’t watch porn to learn how to do it.

Porn had influenced both his way of having sex and sexuality… and I fucking missed the connection and with it being right “in my face…” but, again in my defense, I had no reason to be thinking about it in this context. Still, I saw this a lot. I’d learn many reasons a guy would switch from straight porn to gay porn and why they were watching it to begin with which is a whole different scribble, methinks. Were there guys who learned how to suck dick by watching porn? Probably… and I probably knew it and didn’t make the connection.

Okay. I’m not mad with myself any longer – it was what it was both then and now. Cityman sends me this stuff and it’s… boring. Seen it before. Done it more than I’ve seen in it in porn. It’s predictable and very top/bottom oriented and he likes older and beefy guys who are also men of color so that’s reflected in the porn he likes to watch… and send me links to. I’ll take a look because it tells me a lot about him and what he might be thinking about M2M sex. I can’t say that he used this porn to “educate” himself because he was well on his way toward OTJ training in these things and then watching gay porn featuring the kind of men he prefers to have sex with.

He finds it exciting; it bores the shit out of me. I’m too cynical about porn and it’s why all of this went over my head. Oh, well.

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Posted by on 27 September 2022 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts


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