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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Sexual Fidelity

I got this link in an email last night – https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/gay-and-lesbian-well-being/201102/is-sexual-fidelity-possible-or-even-necessary – and I gave it a read and thought, “Really?  Straight people and bisexuals figured this shit out quite some time ago…”  One of the things my nameless friend (and, yes, I forgot to ask his permission to name him here) and I talk about is bisexuality and monogamy and how our mindsets have to change in order for bisexuals, in particular, to be able to handle their business on the other side while being in a good and loving relationship.

We were recently talking about how gay men “despise” bisexual men because they worry about us cheating on them – and with a woman – and how much better things could be if they could understand what’s really something kinda simple:  Change the Matrix’s rules about monogamy and relationships so that cheating could essentially be eliminated.  Ah, yes, I can hear the hearts of those who are fiercely monogamous going into v-fib all over the blogosphere but as I’ve written quite a few times, it’s not that monogamy can’t work but its premise that one person is expected and required to take care of every need of their partner is unrealistic and, yes, serial monogamists, just because you don’t know of your partner’s “hidden” needs doesn’t mean that they don’t exist, okay?

You can go to a lot of site and see people pondering the question of why people cheat on each other and offering up all manners of suggestions that are supposed to ward off infidelity except the most obvious one:  Change the fucking rules so that you and your partner can be all about each other in this without this blind obedience to the Matrix’s mandate to keep only unto yourself and the seriously unnecessary reason why this was invoked to begin with and, yes, I’m mentioning it again, the conditions that existed when all this shit was created do not exist today… yet, even when we know this, we keep being lemmings and following along with the rest of the group, don’t we?

The Matrix would have you believe that sexual fidelity is mandatory, that “Barb” and “Glen” couldn’t possibly be happy if they were seeing other people or had other people involved in their lives and, yet, there are a lot of couples who are quite happy with such arrangements because they understand a few things that the Matrix would prefer they not understand, like, if you can’t take care of your man or woman, someone else can and will… but instead of this causing all sorts of drama, why not do this in a way where the drama wouldn’t exist?  People cheat for a lot of reasons and, I think, with the thought that it’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission… but what if you could ask permission… and what if you got it?

It goes against everything we’ve ever been taught about love, sex, and relationships and we act as if the things we learned about this can’t be changed… but if you vow or otherwise promise each other to be committed to them and the health and growth of the relationship, which thing is the most important:  Obeying the Matrix and pretty much setting yourself up to ultimately fail or making sure that you and your partner are the happiest y’all can be and no matter what it takes to make that happen?  It’s not as if the logic of the situation can’t be understood but emotionally?  I point out yet again that logic and common sense don’t fare well against raw emotion; Barb could logically agree with her man, Glen, that he would be a happier camper in their relationship if he was able to get some dick when he needs it; she could see the logic when he emphatically says to her that even though he needs this – and she sure as hell can’t give it to him – that has nothing to do with his love, desire, or commitment to her and their relationship.  But, emotionally?  Barb’s gonna need some Xanax – lots of Xanax because in her mind – because of what she was taught to believe – Glen should never, ever, want or need anything that she can’t provide nor should he ever give one nanosecond of thought to breaking his word to her and getting what he wants anyway.

She’ll agree to the logic and tell him in no uncertain terms that if he goes out and does this, don’t come back… and is this really necessary and more so when other aspects of the relationship are golden?  Is she all that willing to cut her nose off to spite her face when?  While this actually doesn’t make any sense, all the fans of monogamy will readily say that, yes, she should cut off her nose even though doing so is going to cause her some unrecoverable loss.

My nameless friend gives a real-life example of this via his interactions with his gay FWB.  The FWB has told him on several occasions that, yeah, he wouldn’t mind one bit if they played house and since he knows that my friend is bisexual, sure, if my friend wanted to get some coochie when he needed it, it’s not going to be a problem.  I like this about his FWB but, at least to me, this isn’t anything new but I will say that it’s taken long enough for gay folks to get on the bandwagon that straights and bisexuals have been on for a while; a great many of us figured out that it makes no damned sense to throw the baby out with the bath water, that the dreaded “having your cake and eating it” can actually be a good thing for the individuals involved and the relationship as a whole.

It can be done… but reshaping the face of monogamy isn’t going to easily happen because we cannot logically agree that it needs to change.  Yes, more and more couples – and regardless to sexuality – will find out that, hey, we can do this and still be happy and in love with each other; they might become swingers, have an open relationship, might even dip their toes into the polyamory pool in some way and bring a lover (or two or four) into their fold.  Yep, there are some rules – there has to be rules because as I told my friend last night, humans without order are a train wreck that’s just waiting to happen.  Jeez, I could probably write these rules down in a single blog that, yeah, would also take me days to finish because this is some really complex shit and so deep that it makes being monogamous look easy.  But it can be done and couples will continue to find ways to make it happen.

The article says that we could learn some shit from gay men – and with respect to any gay men reading this, I found that to be pretty damned funny because a lot of bisexual men have successfully negotiated this… freedom way before gay men realized that being monogamous was really for the birds.  But this is, on the whole, a good thing because we need to change the way we have relationships so that we can be as happy as humanly possible in them and without all the roadblocks that monogamy puts in place.  My nameless friend is currently searching for that woman who will not only easily accept his bisexuality but who’d also be open to the prospect of a modified relationship state and one that can benefit the both of them and I do wish him the best of luck in his quest; he has the advantage of living in one of the most sexually diverse cities in the country so he stands a pretty good chance of finding her… but, yeah, if he can’t, there’s the offer his FWB has put on the table, too, which does, in fact, speak to what the referenced article is talking about.

This mindset just isn’t restricted to homosexuals, though, so I had to point this out…

 
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Posted by on 30 December 2015 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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How Do You Feel?

Many years ago now, I learned some important lessons about something I had thought I knew already and they were taught to me when I fell deeply in love with someone I had “no business” falling in love with:  The wife of a friend and co-worker.  While I had spent a lot of time talking to her on the phone, the day I actually met her, the chemistry between us hit me so hard that I almost passed out – and that was before I shook her hand in greeting and when we touched, I was grateful that I didn’t have far to go to sit back down because my legs wouldn’t support me.

For a period of time after that fateful introduction, we talked about the way we felt, acknowledging the powerful and dangerous chemistry between us; we even talked about where we were being led and we desperately fought against doing something about the way we felt, our logic impeccably laid out as to why we dare not do what we both knew had to be done.  It wasn’t right; it was so totally immoral and dangerous to us both because just being in love with each other threatened our very lives and our respective families.

As I’ve written hundreds of times now, this woman was the one who taught me that you can’t do anything about the way you feel; you can only do something about how you may act on your feelings.  She was the one who taught me that just because you loved someone, that didn’t mean you had to do anything about it other than accept that this is how you feel.  I thought I knew about being in love, thought I understood all the aspects of it but this, dear God, this blindsided me, exposed an ignorance I hadn’t been aware of because I was, hands down, in love with this woman and every fiber of my being wanted to do everything I could about it… and I knew damned well that I shouldn’t.  She knew it, too; she had accepted all of this better than I had but, admittedly, felt the same thing I did, that something had to be done about this… and being the intelligent and perceptive people we both were, we knew that we would not be able to avoid the inevitable.

God knows we tried and it seemed that the more we tried, the stronger the pull became; it opened up things for the two of us that neither thought was even possible, things that only existed in cheesy romance novels, or only in our dreams.  Every moment that passed kept pushing us forward even when we logically agreed that if we stopped talking to each other, the compelling force drawing us together would go away and, in time, be forgotten… but we couldn’t even do that, not when I would be making a business call and when the phone was answered on the other end, I discovered that I had dialed her number instead… even when I was looking at the phone’s keypad when making the call.

Holy mother of Christ… what was going on here?  Just the same, the more we talked, the more we shared with each other, the stronger our love became and we just accepted it – it is what it is and maybe, just maybe, people weren’t meant to be limited to loving just one person because I loved my wife just as she loved her husband… but we also loved each other and it was insane… but it felt right even in its moral wrongness.  The pressure to do something about our feelings seemed to subside and we both thought that we had succeed in heading off the inevitable, that we were now in a safe place with each other.

And we were wrong.  We were sitting in her kitchen, drinking coffee, and just talking when the pressure returned full force; I felt it at the same time she did and we were both stunned by it because, foolishly, we thought it had gone away when, in fact, all we had subconsciously done was accept that something was going to happen and when she asked, “Are we gonna do this or what?” for a split second, I wanted to say no – I had to say no – and the truth was that I was still screaming at myself to say no as we kissed for the first time… and that sealed our fates. She took me by the hand, her intention to lead me upstairs to the comfort of the bed in her spare room… and we didn’t make it, losing our clothes before reaching the stairs… and we feasted on each other right there on the steps, on the landing, in the hallway, on that bedroom floor and it was incredible; it was powerful and all-consuming… and we just couldn’t stop.

If that first kiss sealed our fates, the moment I entered her did much more than that; it marked and bonded us for life.  We made love for hours and as if we had never had sex before, driven by both lust and love.  I kept taking her and taking her and in every way I knew how and the more I gave, the more she wanted, the more she needed.  Our very souls had joined together and we were so lost in each other that reason and common sense had no meaning; the sheer wrongness of what we were doing spurred us on further, pushing us beyond anything we had previously experienced until she could take no more… but I still had much more to give and that, all by itself, shocked and amazed me.  She was more than spent and sated… which didn’t stop me from taking her one last time as we showered because I just couldn’t not take her again.

“I hate you.”

Her words crushed me; how could she hate me after what we’d just spent the whole afternoon doing?  But she explained by saying that she hated how I made her feel and not for what we had done and in all its terrible wrongness, it all felt right.  We reveled in our love, astonished each other in the way we’d make love for hours on end and we both thought that we had gone as far as we could in this until the love we felt reared up and had us thinking about leaving our spouses and making a life together… and we learned that if we did that, it would be the biggest mistake ever made in our lives.  We kinda came to our senses after facing the pure, raw power of love and how it can remove rational thought, how it could crush intelligence and logic, how it could utterly obliterate common sense.  The love was still very much there and we knew that no matter what happened, it would always be there.  The lust was there, unabated and unfettered and we basked in it at every opportunity.

At one point, we “broke up” because it had to be done; the danger of our love had taken us from running away together to wanting to make a child of our own… and the only thing that stopped that from happening was her joking about not being able to explain to her husband why “their” baby was born with a permanent tan… so we had to break it off.  The breakup lasted all of a month and it was painful… but it made sense.  She accidentally called me one day and the sound of her voice made all my feelings for her stand up (as well as something else); she apologized for the mistake and we laughed about it until she said, “I need you.  Now.  Come to me…”  I should have stayed right where I was; I should have let the distance between us act as a shield to protect us both… and I was powerless to do so.  I came to her… and took her over and over as if that month we spent apart never happened but with one very notable difference:  We were now under control and immune to what love’s power was pushing us to do.

Now, there may be some of you who are reading this and thinking, “How could you do such a thing?  How could you work with her husband – your friend – every day and not feel the guilt and shame of what you two had done?”  Actually, it was easier than you may want to believe.  I admired him and, as odd as it sounds, respected him more than I had before.  Yes, I was well aware of the fact that if he ever found out, he would strike out at me in some way and I was prepared for that… but I didn’t hate or despise him in any way.  Yeah, it was like that and we did our male bonding thing rather well and more so because he and I had something very much in common:  We both loved his wife with all our heart and soul.

We “broke up” for the final time and, again, because we knew it had to happen and the necessity of it all was painful for us to accept… but we accepted it… and we have never stopped loving each other even though we’ve not seen each other since the very last time we made love one stormy, snowy night and, romantically so, by the fireplace.  There was, in fact, one last thing that had to be done, something I believe I innately knew but hadn’t actually thought about until she told me what that thing was as we undressed each other.  You see, during all the times we made love, I had cum in her mouth; I had cum in her ass and had cum all over her in various places… but I had never cum inside her and, yes, I did her raw because she wouldn’t have it any other way.  She said to me, “Just once, I want to feel you cum inside of me and I don’t care what happens when you do.”

Despite my reminding her of the danger of this, I knew this would be the last thing we’d ever do, one final piece of an incredibly complex puzzle.  I spent the next couple of hours filling her with my seed, all caution set aside as we were scorched by our love, the heat of our passion, and the fireplace.  The first time I spilled inside of her, she said, “Oh, my God… it’s so wonderful… I can feel it… I can feel you… give me more, please give me more…” and I cried openly and shamelessly and did as she bade – nay, as our love for each other demanded.

And nothing happened.  The last time I talked to her after that fateful night, it was her telling me that she wasn’t pregnant but that she was both relieved and unhappy that she hadn’t been impregnated by me… and I felt the exact same way.  It would be a whole decade, maybe a little more than that, before we found each other again and confirmed that our love for each other was still very much in place.  Indeed, I was a little shocked when she told me that she had told her husband that she was very much in love with me and that I was in love with her – of course, she didn’t tell him all we had done.  She shocked me even more by telling me that he said that he knew we were in love from the beginning… and that he was okay with it and, nope, it didn’t hurt their love and marriage one damned bit.

Holy shit…

Now… I told you this to tell you something else that is oh, so very important.  It is, in fact, okay to love someone because, truly, you cannot do anything about the way you feel.  You do not have to do one damned thing about those feelings; you don’t even have to let the other person know if you don’t want to or can’t tell them.  All you have to do is accept that this is how you feel, that there’s just something about them that compels you to love them.  Oh, yes, it is difficult to fight the urge to act on your feelings, as you’ve just read… but, no, all that love really requires is that you accept it as-is and for what it is.  Actions, like making love or returning those feelings, isn’t a necessity and the hardest lesson I learned about being in love is that there are times when doing nothing is the right thing to do – just accept your feelings and, indeed, bask in the headiness of it all because, after all, everything you’ve ever learned about love says that it’s impossible to be in love with someone and still very much love someone else.

What you’ve learned – what I had learned prior to this – is 100% wrong… because it is very damned possible to be in love like this, whether you risk doing anything about it or not.  We all are made to believe that such things can only cause pain and irreparable damage to existing relationships… but that, like many other things about this, isn’t the whole truth because it’s improbable that we could be the only people to have experienced this and caused no damage of any kind.  Yes, the monogamy purists are apoplectic at this point, ranting about the betrayal of our vows and, to that end, they’d be right because that’s exactly what happened… but the point they’d overlook, the point they’d go out of their way to ignore and/or otherwise deny, is that love doesn’t care about our promises, that nothing conceived or contrived by man can stand against the power of love; all those things that we believe can’t and shouldn’t be done are, in fact, possible because all love really wants you to do is accept it and if you can do something about it, fine… but it’s very much okay if you never do anything except take love into your heart and feel that sense of comfort and bliss because you are more capable to love than you ever believe is possible.

The purists would point out that even if you didn’t physically break your vows, you did so emotionally so you’d be just as guilty as if you had done something… like it’s really possible to not think or feel love… and as if there’s really anything that can deflect the power of love and keep it from touching us once it has already touched us.  Yep, even I would say that if I could be imprisoned for what went on in my head, shit, I would have been locked up way before I learned just how powerful love can be; you can tell me to not think of these things and I could – and I have – tried not to think like that… and it’s impossible and quite unnatural, I think, to suppress one’s thoughts and emotions and against something that cannot be stopped despite our best efforts.

It’s okay to feel what you feel but it’s now all about how well you can accept those feelings and that you understand – and even if it’s because I’m telling you – that you don’t have to do anything else about how you feel, that your feelings can only destroy things if you allow them to.  Maybe there are those of you who think this is nonsense and sheer folly and if you do, fine… but it can’t ever change the fact that it happened to me and the woman I will always love… and we’re not the only people this has happened to and regardless of the outcome.

We were made to love and be loved and the rules, such as they are, don’t always prevent us from feeling more love than what’s “allowable;” our innate need to love and be loved just trumps the rules and, again, you don’t have to believe me but all you really have to do is think about any time in your lives when you were in love… and you knew that you loved someone else, too, and then how it made you feel to have to suppress, dismiss, and work to ignore what you were feeling… and maybe how that didn’t quite work the way you thought it was supposed to.  You may have stopped yourself from acting on those feelings… but did you really stop feeling it?  Is it still there, deep inside of you and warming you with its presence even though you’re really not thinking about it actively?  How many times have you told yourself that you shouldn’t be feeling this way… even though you know good and damned well that you do… yet, it escapes you that the one thing you thought to be impossible is, in fact, possible?

We do know that we are more than capable of falling in love more than once; what we don’t understand or that thing we try to prevent is that we can fall in love at any time and with anyone and no matter what our current situation is.  Like you, there was a time when I didn’t think such a thing was possible… and I was proved to be quite ignorant of what love can really do.  I just knew that falling in love while being in love was just a clusterfuck waiting to happen because it’s not as if other folks had not only learned what I learned but, sadly, had it all go horribly wrong… but there are some things I now understand about this; it’s not really cause and effect – just because we can be in love and fall in love with someone else doesn’t mean we have to do anything about it other than accepting the obvious fact that you are very capable of feeling love and in ways that makes all the staunch monogamists want to soil themselves.  They say it can’t and shouldn’t ever be done… but love says otherwise.

While I did what I did in this, I did learn that, no, you really don’t have to do a damned thing but, yeah, I learned that if you can do it, okay…  but, no, if you can keep yourself from acting, that’s okay, too, but you don’t have to reject your feelings or look at them as being improper either.  If someone tells you that they love you – but you’re already in love with someone – you don’t have to give anything back if you don’t have it to give. Don’t look at it as being impossible because it is possible; don’t kid yourself that such things aren’t ever supposed to happen because they do.  And, maybe it’s just my opinion but if you believe that you cannot allow yourself to feel multiple instances of love, perhaps you don’t really understand what love is.  I’m not trying to insult anyone by saying this and I’ll even apologize if you do feel insulted… but I know something about love that you don’t want to believe, just as I know that I’m not the only person to have learned about love and what it can really mean and despite what our morality demands in this:  To only love one person at a time and that to love someone else alongside that initial love is just wrong.

My friends, that just isn’t the whole truth of things; we are capable of so much more than what we’re being limited to.  We see it as a problem, an accident just waiting to happen… but the truth is that it doesn’t have to be that way, that being in love like this always means that you have to do something about it because we’re taught that when you love someone, you’re supposed to do X, Y, and Z and, yeah, sometimes, even if it complicates our lives because love isn’t always neat and clean, is it?  All you really have to do is accept it, that you can love and be loved by someone else even though you’re already in love with someone who is dear to your heart and soul.

I’ve learned that most people cannot get their heads around acceptance and that’s quite understandable since, again, we’ve been taught that it can’t and shouldn’t ever happen… and blatantly choosing to ignore the fact that it can happen and when you don’t even expect it to; ah, damn, that Murphy dude really knows how and when to just fuck shit up, doesn’t he?  So, yeah – just “merely” accepting it isn’t easy to do… but it can be done.  I have, in fact, fallen in love with someone else quite a few times since learning this valuable lesson… and have done nothing about it other than to accept that I love them.  I bask in it, I revel in the fact that I am capable of doing something that most people can’t allow themselves to do and all because we’re told not to do things like this and that because I do feel the way I do, the only thing that has changed is, well, how I feel; otherwise, it’s business as usual.

Not because I don’t want to – I just know that I don’t have to do anything except accept my feelings.  Likewise, I’ve had people tell me that they love me… and I’ve just accepted that this is how they feel even if I don’t feel love for them; I don’t fault or blame them for their feelings and my “lack” of reciprocating feelings don’t bother me because, duh, I can’t return a feeling that I don’t have, can I?  And it’s no big deal if I can’t return the sentiment and/or feelings – but I can accept it and be happy that someone finds me worthy of their love – and that’s a precious honor that I never take lightly anymore, not after what I learned about love.  We think… we are made to believe…  that there’s only one way to love, that love can only happen in a certain way and at a certain time and only in a specific way… and that’s not the truth – it just isn’t.  You may not believe it but there are others who will read this and they believe it because they’ve experienced it and the reality of it has hit them so hard that they can no longer deny that such a thing is very damned possible even if it’s not actionable.  Yes, it can be problematic, I’d never deny that or sugarcoat it in any way… but only if you allow it to be a problem by thinking you have to do something about it other than accepting your feelings.

I know it… others have learned what I learned so they know it as well… and the questions I will now leave you with are simply this:  Do you know it?  Do you believe it’s impossible?  Can you accept that love truly knows no boundaries?

 
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Posted by on 20 November 2015 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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On Being a Side Piece

It’s been widely accepted that being a side piece is the worst relationship scenario there is, a clear violation of the rules of monogamy if there ever was one.  Getting involved with a married person is never, ever supposed to happen; there’s supposed to be no form of logic or common sense that can explain why someone would willingly violate the directives of keeping only unto and letting no one put asunder as well as not coveting, committing adultery, etc..

It’s just not ever supposed to happen… which (wait for it) has never changed the fact that it has always happened and, in some bygone era and cultures, having a side piece or being one was okay as long as one’s duties to the person they were married to were being carried out.  Those folks who staunchly and fiercely believe in the tenets of monogamy have said that not only is this wrong but it doesn’t make sense:  Why would someone want to be a side piece?

Um, because it works for them?  Because monogamy is, basically, logically flawed and the concept of one person being able to take care of every single need of another person until one or both of them dies can’t always be true when you look at life and how people can really behave?  It’s not that people can’t do this – a lot of people do and they stay true to the rules with dogged determination and purpose… but the reality is that not everyone can do this and the truth of this – and as much as a lot of people never want to admit – is kinda obvious.

Why would a woman want to get involved with a married man and become a homewrecker?  I can explain this with an explanation of something I noticed when I got married.  Now, I can’t say that before I got married, I had a big problem getting involved with women but after I got married, holy shit:  There were women all up on me and some who, if they knew me before I got married, wouldn’t give me the time of day if their life depended on it.  And, as I observed, it wasn’t just happening to me; guys that wouldn’t even speak to my wife were now very interested in getting to know her in a very biblical way and as I worked on trying to figure out what was up with all of this, almost every married person I knew told me about this, that for some reason, the moment others found out they were married, they were swamped with people who wanted a piece of them – and even if their target was the least popular (or desirable) person around.

The explanation is… complicated.  I’ve had women tell me that a married man is a much better man than a single dude; the married man represents stability, security, and a proven commodity because if he wasn’t, um, his wife wouldn’t have married him and, yeah, some women very much want that for themselves; when you turn this the other way, the married woman is damned attractive because, simply, she must have some high-quality shit going on with her if her husband married her; she’s now a known and proven commodity and this is much better and attractive than some single chick who seems like she ain’t got much of anything going for her.  And, yeah – the taboos against fucking with married people can be more of a rush than the deterrent it’s supposed to be.

The much shorter version is that some people would rather be a part of something than to be a part of nothing.  It’s kinda the same dynamic that causes cheating which, no matter how you care to look at it, happens when someone’s needs are being ignored or otherwise not met to their satisfaction.  Single folks have needs, too, and needs that, by and large, go ignored or unfulfilled since they’re not in a relationship so if they can be a side piece to someone in a relationship, they can have their needs met albeit illicitly because the person in the relationship isn’t supposed to be a part of this for any reason.  Now, some people raise all kinds of hell about being a side piece, saying that such a person wants all of the benefits but none of the responsibilities of a relationship – and for some, this is true… but like so many other things, not the whole truth because for someone who’s willing to be a side piece, they are assuming some responsibilities, oh, like, say, taking care of those things that the rightful partner ain’t handling.

Those of you who are fiercely monogamous probably can’t accept this but I’m telling you – and yes, from experience – that it does happen – it has always happened; indeed, there are experts in this who suggest that humans weren’t meant to be monogamous, that putting ourselves on lockdown like this wasn’t the way we existed prior to religion/morality taking hold and, well, being monogamous is really an unnatural behavior for humans.  Those of you who are rabidly monogamous will say this is bullshit but, um, nah, not really and there’s way too much evidence that says that it’s not the bullshit you believe it to be because, yep, some people want to be a side piece or they need a side piece – and, sometimes, not because their partner is failing at anything.

It’s not supposed to be that way… and none of this changes what the reality is.  Okay, so the whole side piece thing has been known to wreck homes, which is always seen as a very bad is, in and of itself, a fact of the matter.  Like I said, this whole thing is horribly complicated and complex because you’re pitting moral behavior against human behavior and, well, when has that ever worked as expected and consistently so?  We tend to see the whole side piece thing as a purely sexual one… but, sometimes, there’s no sex involved or even wanted; what is wanted and needed is another emotional connection and simply because for some, just having one emotional connection to someone isn’t enough.

Ah, now you fanatical believers in monogamy are about to pull the “greedy card” out, aren’t you, and then slap down the “unable to stay committed to anything” card along with the “dishonorable cretin” card, right?  You believe, without question, that if you’re in a relationship with someone, you are – and can – be everything that the other person will ever need… even though you also know that, um, ya might not be when you get right down to it; you get into a relationship and the one thing you fear is that you won’t or can’t be everything to the other person but, like everyone who believes in being monogamous, that if for any reason you can’t be the alpha and omega for the other person – whether you find this to be the case or your partner does – oh, well – that’s just the way it is and the way it’s supposed to be and if you can’t deal with it, get the fuck out and stay out.

Except the people who’d gladly be a side piece – and someone who finds themselves in need of one – don’t necessarily agree with that assessment, do they?  This whole dynamic not only exposes the flaws in monogamy but does a great job of exposing personal flaws and ones that are expected and required to be accepted without question… except that’s not always the case, is it?  It can be summed up with something I’ve said time and time again:  If you don’t (or can’t) take care of your man/woman, someone else can and will.  This is a truism that pretty much everyone doesn’t want to accept, which is quite understandable since monogamy and morality says that it can’t be true and that it should never be true… but there’s an out available once the truth kicks you in the crotch:  Divorce or breaking up because it’s also inconceivable for one to have/be a side piece and keep the relationship alive and well, right?  It can’t be done, it’s not supposed to ever be done… but the reality, well, now, it can say otherwise, can’t it, because it works rather nicely for a whole lot of people in a relationship and, yeah, for both people in the relationship.

If you don’t understand how all of this works, then there’s some shit you’re missing or, sorry to say, in denial about.  The simple thing about side pieces is that being one or having one meets needs that being solely monogamous cannot provide.  Most people would rather eat shit and die before taking or becoming a side piece… and the operative word is “most” because, well, like it or not, being or having a side piece works for a lot of people and couples – alternative relationships or ethical non-monogamy or even negotiated infidelity have always been options and ones that have been exercised, explored, enabled – pick a word that goes along with this.  We refused to believe this, we insist that this shit ain’t the way things are supposed to be… and in the grand scheme of things – read this as life itself if you want to – it can mean absolutely nothing.  All one has to do in order to implement the side piece dynamic is to put together a list of things you aren’t going to do for anyone and that includes the person you’re in a relationship with; the moment you stop trying to be all that your partner will ever need, well,  you might find out what’ll happen or, inversely, the moment your partner develops that list and has stopped being your alpha and omega, hmm, that side piece thing suddenly makes sense.  Sure, the dissolution of the relationship is “easier” to do and our morality says that if y’all can’t make it work the way it’s supposed to work, throw it all away and start over… which belies that fact that some people don’t want to throw it all away, that starting over “from scratch” is a worse-case scenario they’d not want to find themselves in and, so, despite how morally wrong it is, having a side piece or being one – and remaining in the comfortable confines of their relationship – just makes sense.

Like I said somewhere in this, there are some people who don’t have a problem with having just a slice of the pie instead of the whole thing; for them, it’s better to have a piece of something than it is to have all of nothing.  It is wanting all of the perks but none of the responsibilities?  Depends on the person, doesn’t it?  There are, in fact, people who are a side piece or who has one… and responsibility isn’t impacted at all; indeed, some are very damned happy to have more responsibility, as crazy as that might sound.  And, even in this, there’s one responsibility that, in my opinion, can never be avoided:  If you are a side piece or you have one, you have the additional responsibility for taking care of them and in whatever form that takes and in addition to any other responsibilities that exist.

The whole side piece thing is problematic, not just from a moral point of view, because when it comes to relationships, um, no one ever learns how to multitask because we’re all told to never learn how to multitask when it comes to love, sex, and relationships.  Again, we act as if it can’t be done and it’s not ever supposed to be done and, since all of this is supposedly and allegedly true, it will always fail.  Yep, it usually does… but not always… and this is the truth that we, on the whole, don’t ever want to see because that truth just fucks up everything we were taught to believe in.

Y’all can come back and barbeque my cute ass over this matter, point out that I’m wrong, hammer me with your personal beliefs about this and, yeah, I expect that to happen… but I’m just the messenger, the guy who has the fucking nerve to tell you that what you believe isn’t the whole truth of things and from the position of knowing that it isn’t the whole truth; this just ain’t some cockeyed theory – I know it for a fact and, yep, I’m anal retentive enough to dig down deep into the muck and nastiness of this to find the truth, your unwillingness to accept it notwithstanding.  So go right ahead and flame me to your heart’s content, if that makes you secure in what you know and believe and despite running the risk of being flash-fried, yep, you’ll still have my respect.

I just happen to know that what you believe in isn’t the whole truth of things, that’s all, and given the things I’ve experienced, eh, there’s not a whole lot you can say to me that’ll change what I’ve learned about this shit first-hand and by mere observation of others.  Maybe you’d insist that you’d never do such a thing or that it could never happen to you; you’d never find a reason to want a little something extra on the side – and that’s fine and, again it is respected.  But, I’m the guy who’ll say that a whole lot of people – and myself included – have said these very same things, only to have reality deliver that swift kick in the crotch or that cold slap in the face that serves as a wakeup call and opens our eyes more to reality than idealism.  Sure… it may never happen to you; you may never see reason to have a side piece or to be one – married people can be side pieces to other married people just in case you think this only involves single folks – and if it never happens, that’s a good thing.

I know that it can happen even though we’re taught otherwise… and I have the balls to speak on it.

 
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Posted by on 23 July 2015 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Bisexual and Polyamorous?

I was thinking about this yesterday because, um, my brain just hit me with it out of nowhere by reminding me that a lot of folks have been saying that bisexuals tend to be polyamorous… and I thought, “Well, yeah, the potential is there and perhaps it’s a “natural” occurrence being bisexual since we do and can have feelings for more than one person…”

Is it a requirement?  Oh, fuck no – most people can’t handle being in a monogamous relationship and those who can handle it wouldn’t even consider being in a relationship situation where they’d have to interact with more than one person.  Does the duality of bisexuality lend itself to polyamory?  Yeah, it kinda makes sense despite what monogamous bisexuals might say to the contrary – I’m talking potential here – it is possible and even probable but by no means am I saying that if you’re bisexual, you have to be polyamorous so let’s not go there.

As bisexuals, we get shat upon for having the audacity to want the best of both worlds but I think it’s because we can bridge both worlds, having the potential to be polyamorous just goes along with that ability – there is a reason why people say that bisexuals are greedy.   We are so inured with the concept of one man/one woman that the idea of a person having multiple loves and/or partners just gives most people the creeps and makes them insist that this is not the way things are supposed to work.  It’s abject denial in the fact of the fact that, um, no, this isn’t the only way to live and love and just because you don’t believe that “the more, the merrier” would ever work for you doesn’t mean it won’t ever work for someone else… because it does… and, yes, some of the people for which polyamory works are bisexual.

While I can easily see the potential, being bi and poly just isn’t a given since there are folks who aren’t bisexual but are polyamorous so, no, polyamory isn’t purely a bisexual thing… but it has the potential of being embraced “better” due to our “ability” to have feelings and desires across the board, if you will.  It’s still a very difficult concept to get one’s head around regardless of their sexuality and even when someone can wrap their minds around the concept, well, it’s just something that’s never, ever supposed to be done:  One man/one woman has to be maintained at all costs and at every turn.  I’m guessing that bisexuals may find it easy to be poly because even when we don’t or can’t act on our feelings, yeah, we have feelings that aren’t limited to the person we’re with.

But, as with many things that concern us, polyamory isn’t about doing – it’s about feeling and, sure, if you can act, so much the better because there are many of us who just know that we have the capacity or even the need to love and relate to more than one person and, in turn, be loved and related to by them – and that there’s really no such thing as loving or being loved too much.  The problem, of course, is that not everyone knows how to go about making it work because we’re told that it cannot work and it is one of those things that can be so complex that one’s brain can easily get overloaded trying to think it all out.  Even the inherent fluidity of bisexuality can’t make this an easy thing to figure out… but the potential is there if one can see past the mindset of serial monogamy.

I just thought it kinda unfair to say that bisexuals tend to be polyamorous and in the sense of it being yet another black eye for being bisexual and without a clear understanding of what polyamory is and what it takes to be polyamorous – from thought to any sort of action.

 
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Posted by on 23 March 2015 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Exceptions

Exception (courtesy of my iPad’s Merriam-Webster dictionary):  Someone or something that is different from others; someone or something that is not included; a case where a rule does not apply.

I found myself in a conversation with Ellen yesterday on Twitter about being bisexual, being in a relationship, having that need/desire for sex (or some other form of succor) from the other side of the equation, fidelity, and infidelity.  I very much respect that her position on this – and the situation she shares with a lot of married bisexuals (or bisexuals in some other relationship) – which is, simply, as much as she would want the touch of another woman, she couldn’t and wouldn’t cheat on her husband to satisfy that need. I allowed that while this is all well and good, there are exceptions to the rule and even pointed out to her that even if she wouldn’t invoke exception, that doesn’t mean that other people wouldn’t find reason to make an exception to the rules of monogamy.

It was an interesting conversation and contained this question:  “How is having sex with someone other than your partner not cheating?”  The answer I gave was, “It is unless they and you say it isn’t.”  And there it is, folks, the exception to the rule.  You can, in fact, have 99 out of 100 people say that it is cheating and that one voice saying that it isn’t if you say it isn’t… and while we tend to take the stance of “the majority rules” in such things, it actually does not eliminate the simple fact that the exception exists.  That a person would not make an exception and remain true to the tenets of monogamy and to their vows of marriage isn’t surprising; indeed, this is exactly what is expected and required, to resist temptations with every fiber of your being and with all the willpower you can muster even to the point when you know, beyond any doubt, that remaining true to this is seriously fucking up your life in some way and unless you’ve been living under several rocks for a good part of your life, the exceptions come to mind easily, leading one to make the decision that you could do X, Y, and maybe even Z… but you’re not going to.

So it’s not as if anyone isn’t aware of the exception to the rules; indeed, traditional marriage vows – in a backhanded sort of way – warn you against the exception by invoking “forsaking all others” and “keeping only unto yourself” and “let no man put asunder,” dire warnings that are not only applicable and binding by vow and by law in marriage but a behavior most of us follow even when marriage isn’t in the foreseeable future – or not at all.  We know and believe that the rules of monogamy are immutable, unchanging, and not subject to modification for any reason and, honestly, if you believe this to be true, go get some coffee or something that’ll wake you up because the reality a lot of people (a) don’t want to talk about and (b) won’t ever admit to is that there are exceptions to those rules and even in this, it’s not as much about breaking the rules as it is modifying them to fit your relationship situation because, after all, aren’t we all told in some form or another that our relationship – marriage or otherwise – is only going to be as good as we – read this as you and your partner – can make it?

If you believe this to be a truism – and there’s no reason not to believe this (that I know of) – then you are kinda compelled to do this… but within the framework of being monogamous and while it is quite doable, um, sometimes it isn’t… and some kind of exception may be required.  All of this begs what I think is an interesting question:  Are you supposed to remain true to the “letter of the law” – monogamy – or to the person that you’re with?  I would think that a lot of people would say both… but bear with me a little while longer on this one.  My chat with Ellen got into respecting one’s spouse/partner and blind obedience, i.e., if you’re partner tells you that you can’t do something, not only is their word “law” but you have no say in this and no recourse at all.  Ellen argued that for her, it’s not blind obedience on her part when her husband tells her not to do something that, in his mind, is against the rules – it’s respecting him.  Being one of the devil’s favorite advocates, I said a few things about that lack of input and recourse, that obeying without question or objection and she maintained that, no, this is respecting his wishes – it make me think but not ask her, “What about your wishes?” but, instead, I asked her this:  “Do you always do what someone tells you to do?”

Okay, it wasn’t a fair question because I already knew the answer and, yes, Ellen said, “Hell, no!”

Here’s some shit about this exception to the rules and going back to a simple truth if you do, in fact, believe that your relationship is only going to be as good as you make it:  It’s not cheating when you both say that it isn’t… even though technically it is.  The exception exists whether one likes it or not; it has always existed because people find out somewhere along the line that if they don’t make exceptions about stuff, their relationship isn’t going to be as good as it could be and more so when leaving each other really isn’t an option (although it is the option most people take).  Monogamy doesn’t allow for “what if” situations that could call for an exception to be put in place; all monogamy cares about is you and your partner obeying the rules as written and without exception and then making it so that your integrity as a person is on the line and could be at risk if you dared to insert an exception into a situation that mandates no exceptions for any reason… and even if the reason makes perfectly good sense and it is seen as a way to preserve the relationship, enhance it, provide more personal growth, things like that.

We’ve all probably heard this one:  If a woman has sex with a man who isn’t hers, it’s cheating… but if she were to have sex with another woman, nah, that ain’t cheating.  The staunch supporters of monogamy will rise up and scream at the top of their collective lungs, “Cheating is cheating!”  And they’d be right… but not if the couple in question says that, for them, it’s not cheating.  We often get pissy over something that’s seen as a double standard… but it really isn’t – it’s more of an exception and one that’s made out of some necessities that monogamy, as an institution, cannot provide for.  It doesn’t give you any recourse; if “Darla” needed to get with “April” to satisfy a need that Darla’s husband can’t take care of, monogamy say, “You’re fucked, Darla, because that ain’t gonna happen.”  Monogamy doesn’t really give a fuck about whether or not Darla would be not only a better person but a better partner because this need was taken care of via an exception; she’s expected and required to not have any other desires or needs that would involve someone outside of the relationship.

We hold true that no exceptions are allowed… which doesn’t ever change the fact that some couples have a very real need to make an exception even if it’s under controlled situations, like, our hypothetical Darla could be allowed to have April as a girlfriend and lover and with Darla’s hubby’s blessing… as long as it’s Darla and April and there are no men involved in any of this… except maybe him and then only if Darla and April agrees to the exception should this be a condition set by him so that Darla can do her thing with April.  A lot of people will say that this should never be done but, again, it begs the question is which thing is more important:  Blind obedience to the rules of monogamy or the quality of your relationship?  Of course, this is a debate that could go on forever and a dark day, with one side emphatically stating that the rules of monogamy must be obeyed at all costs and the other side saying just as emphatically that this is their relationship and, as such, they can do whatever they feel is best for that relationship.

Just because you might not like the exception or agree that it exists just does not ever mean that it doesn’t exist or that people do find reason to invoke the exception to the rule.  It gets all into the debate of whether or not such a thing is right or wrong… but that’s why they call this exception “negotiated infidelity” and the more ‘modern’ position is that if it hasn’t been negotiated, then it’s just outright cheating.  The exception isn’t automatic – it doesn’t just happen – it has to be invoked by someone and then for the exception to take effect, there has to be acceptance to the proposition of change, whatever that happens to be.  These exceptions aren’t always sexual in nature; they could encompass any need that someone may have that, if granted, would make their lives better as an individual and maybe even enhance the quality of the relationship.  Like, some relationships for some reason don’t allow either person to have a close friend – doesn’t make much sense to me but it happens – and an exception could be made to allow having a close friend although I’d say that if one partner or the other was pitching a bitch about having friends, that’s like a forced exception being put into the game or “Do as I say or else!” or “It’s my way or the highway!”

I find it odd that if it’s okay for people to put such conditions on their relationship and by invoking some “twisted” version of the rules for them to do this, why is this okay, right, and just… but someone having the need to invoke an exception is wrong?  Again, this is a never-ending debate where folks would eventually agree to disagree on and, still, it does not invalidate the fact that exceptions can be made.  It goes without saying a whole lot that if someone’s going to invoke an exception, they’d better be ready and able to execute it and, of course, a lot of exceptions fail horribly because no one knows how to go about doing such a thing that provides recourse but also protects and maintains the relationship as a whole… but that’s probably another blog for some other time.

The rule is that you cannot  and should not ever make exceptions to the rules of monogamy… but life and reality and maybe even common sense says that if you need to make an exception and everyone can buy into it via negotiation, then exceptions are allowed – they can be made and done even when the rules don’t allow it.  How you do it or even why you do it is varied – but that’s not really the point; what is the point with exceptions is which is the thing you should be devoted to:  The rules of monogamy or your partner’s happiness?  Which is more important?

I’m out…

 
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Posted by on 5 November 2014 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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Revisiting Being Poly

The first thing I’ll say – again – about this is that being poly doesn’t sound like an easy thing to get into and it’s a lot of more difficult than one might believe and that, at least in my opinion, being poly makes being married to one person look like a very easy thing to do.  We are taught to only love one person at a time; not only does it enforce the rules of monogamy but, historically, it’s not very hard to find instances where loving more than one person has had disastrous results and all because this is something that’s not really taught to us past a certain point in our development.

Being poly isn’t just a thing to do; it’s also a way to be and it’s been my experience that doing it but not being able to think in this way can be problematic.  I’ve talked a bit about management and communication skills, things that are extremely important when you’re actively involved with more than one person but they are also things that apply to one’s self as well, i.e., dealing with the multitude of feelings being shared among however many people you’re involved with… and that’s not as easy as it seems either because we will, without thinking about it, allow our past experiences with relationships get in the way of doing something that is, for all intents and purposes, so far out of the box it isn’t funny.  It’s easy enough to be poly for the sex alone but there are times when we do something that, in a lot of ways, doesn’t make a lot of sense:  Act as if we couldn’t or shouldn’t fall in love with a poly partner and because, say, we’re already in love with someone.

In my mind, this is inevitable and despite whatever rules a couple may enact before stepping onto the poly playing field, rules they must put in place in order to preserve what I’ll call the “core relationship.”  You could think of this as having something to fall back on if the poly venture doesn’t go well or, if you’re more of a “the glass is half full” kind of people, see this as where you poly adventure begins.  In any way you look at it, it is important to realize and understand that going from being monogamous to not being monogamous isn’t really as simple as finding someone – or a bunch of someones – to be non-monogamous with.  You’re now engaged in a balancing act, doing things to preserve and maintain the core relationship while making it possible for one or both of you to get out there and develop poly relationships.  It’s my opinion that some folks who try to do this bring along their monogamous thinking and behaviors and, um, you might want to leave those behind since they’re more likely to get you into trouble more than help you because, simply, you just don’t “belong” to one person anymore; this poly thing isn’t just about you or you and your partner like it’s some one-on-one venture that’s more like having an open relationship.

No – everything you do in this will not only impact the core relationship but everyone else involved with you.  The problem isn’t the sex that can be had; the problem is those deeper emotions that can come to the front as you are more exposed to your poly paramours (or metamours, if the shoe fits).  That you could fall in love with them – or them with you – should be seen as a high probability and not so much of a given or, to be simpler, love can happen and if you think it won’t or otherwise behave as if it’s not supposed to happen, um, guess again and, personally, I think denying the prospect of love invading the scene truly defeats the purpose of being poly – but that’s me.  You may not go looking for love but it will eventually find you and now you have to deal with all the issues that come along with being in love and more so if love has ever shredded you in the past or has otherwise made you afraid to love and, in this case, accept love from someone other than the person you’re having the core relationship with.

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When you can have your cake and eat it, it calls for a change in behavior, in the way you think and in what you believed in.  I’ve run this next thing into the ground over the three years I’ve been blogging but when it comes to be poly, you have to unlearn everything you’ve ever learned about love, sex, and relationships so that you can learn a new way to do it.  You cannot bring your fears and other baggage along with you; you have to understand that while you might already belong to someone, in order to do this, you will belong to others, too, and while gaining those necessary management and communications skills is so very important, you have to learn how to manage yourself and not impose so many limitations that will make sharing yourself with others a hard thing to do.  I’ve said many times that I know people who have tried to do this and they’ve not only failed but they’ve crashed and burned because monogamy just doesn’t work in this situation so approaching being poly and doing so with monogamy’s rules on your mind just might bring you more pain than happiness.  Yes, if you have a core relationship, you want to preserve that because it does provide the stability and structure we seem to need in our lives but other than that, leave monogamy behind and if you can, never look back at it.

Being poly is such a complex dynamic but a lot of what will affect the complexity depends on why you’ve decided to be poly but if you’re not going to give yourself to the relationship just as you would a “normal” relationship, then what’s the point?  If you’re afraid to love, then why get into something that’s fertile ground for love to be seeded, take root, and grow?  If you don’t want to lose what you already have – and this is already rife with opportunities for loss all by itself – why open yourself up for more of the same?  Some folks tickle the shit out of me (no, not really) when they try to pick and choose the parts of being poly that they want to accept while trying to diss some of the more, ah, uncomfortable things about this type of relationship and I’ve learned that this is a mistake that will, at some point, come back to take a huge bite out of your ass.  You still have to deal with things like love, rejection, jealousy, envy and a whole shitload of negative emotions just like you would if you were still monogamous… only this gets multiplied by the number of people involved; if you are not prepared to deal with these things or willing to accept that these things will want to come pay you and yours a visit, then I’ve suggested that you don’t even bother trying to do this and more so if you don’t have what it takes to deal with these demons that are the bane of any relationship.

It’s a pain in the ass; it’s stressful having to deal with so many different people, their personalities, likes, dislikes and, yes, their fears and resistance to a few things.  But it’s an occupational hazard and, really, not all that different from the good and bad things you’d have to face in a monogamous relationship and, oh, yeah, you still have to deal with yourself on top of it all.  I know that in my own experience in this, dealing with the other people was a motherfucker but the hardest thing was having to deal with myself because, of course, if I couldn’t get my head around all of this wild and crazy shit, how was I going to be able to interact with the others joined together with me in this?  I still say today that doing the poly thing is the most incredibly stressful thing I’ve ever done in my life… but because of the “rewards” I’d do it all over again because, the sex aside, there’s no such thing as loving too much or being loved too much and if you think this isn’t true, well, maybe poly isn’t for you; maybe just a plain, ordinary open relationship would best suit your needs or maybe joining the ranks of the swinging community and, yeah, just remaining monogamous in your dealings with others.

Not desired.  Not “wanted” in whatever way you want that word to mean; not lusting or being lusted for.  Loved and loving and in what I’ve called the ultimate relationship and the greatest test anyone who dares to love and be loved will ever face.  In this the question isn’t so much about one’s ability to manage multiple relationships – it’s whether or not they can manage themselves in this.  Are you ready, willing, and able to do whatever’s necessary and for the sake of love alone?

 
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Posted by on 1 November 2014 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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Stuck

Imagine that you’ve been in a good, loving relationship for a number of years; it’s something right out of a storybook and it’s so comforting and fulfilling that you actually ask yourself if it can get any better than this.  But then you begin to notice changes, from things or activities that used to be done in abundance to even a change in the overall feel of the relationship.  At first, you don’t pay much attention to it and if you do, you just chalk it up to the day-to-day stresses of life, i.e., jobs, kids, those emergencies that seem to crop up at all the wrong times – stuff like that.

More time passes… and now it’s clear that not only is the “honeymoon” over but things seem to be circling the drain; he or she isn’t as attentive as before, there’s a marked drop in the intimacy you shared with each other seemingly not so long ago and one or both of you are spending more time being irritable than happy.  You try to cut off this downward spiral and to get at the source of it; maybe it’s him/her or maybe it’s you that’s the cause of this downturn in your overall happiness.  Then, after conversations that have sounded promising but turned out to be anything more than just lip service, you realize that the needs which were being fulfilled beyond your wildest dreams are no longer being attended to in the fashion in which you’ve become accustomed… or, perhaps worse, there are new needs in the offing, things that would maybe take you to the next level of growth as a person and there seems to be no way to have these new needs taken care of without adding more friction to a situation that needs no more friction placed upon it.

You talk again, make excuses to each other as well as promises that you hope will be kept but, deep down inside, you know it’s not very damned likely that things are going to get better – and they need to get better because you can feel your instinct for self-preservation starting to kick in and it’s starting to whisper thing into the depths of your mind that your honor doesn’t want to hear, things that would benefit you but wouldn’t do much to salvage the relationship and/or restore it to its former glory because to do anything other than maintain the integrity of your relationship is anathema and forbidden by tradition.

You are stuck between the proverbial rock and hard place; you know that you need to do something even if your partner, ‘obviously’ isn’t of a mind to help rectify the situation and, of course, the rules of the game prohibit you from taking matters into your own hands and wants to negate the long-accepted first rule of survival:  Take care of your own ass first.  But this is difficult to do; you’ve vowed to be faithful and to forsake all others but in order to get what you now so desperately need, you know that it’s going to take the efforts of an outsider and this is so appealing and so damning because you promised to let him/her take care of all of your needs and that’s just not happening.

To say that this is a fucked up position to be in does not even begin to cover it; your levels of frustration increase because you’re now stuck between duty and taking care of yourself because you know, just like so many other people do, that you cannot begin to take care of anyone else until you can take care of yourself.  The pull to find other ways to fulfill your needs is great – it just gnaws at you and whispers in your ear about how easy it would be to get what you need from someone else… and the guilt of even thinking in this way gnaws at you as well, reminding  you that you promised – you gave your word – that you would not do this, just as you know that if you were to do this, you would probably do irreparable damage to a relationship that’s still good… but not as good as it once was.  You look for solutions that don’t involve having to engage outside help, turning to your partner and with varying degrees of difficulty, telling them what you need and asking them, in essence, to hold up their end of the bargain you made with each other and take care of your needs.  Maybe more promises are made; maybe there’s some serious pushback and even some anger as they tell you – as they remind you – that they are all you will ever need and the knife in your heart comes if/when they callously say, “You should be grateful for what you already have…”

The temptation to take matters into your own hands is great and more so when you may have stumbled onto someone who you feel could provide for those needs that are now going unattended.  It feels right… just as much as it feels wrong, creating yet another conflict within you.  On the one hand, the answer is clear and makes perfectly good sense; you may even be aware of a very old saying that is now quite appropriate in this situation:  If you can’t take care of your man/woman, someone else can and will.  You want and need someone else to take care of you… and you know good and damned well that it is forbidden; you will be damned if you do and you are most certainly damned if you don’t.  The more you sit and think about this, the bleaker the situation seems to be.  You start running a probability study in your mind, looking at every possibility you can think of that can resolve this discontinuity in your happiness and well-being; some of them look damned good while others are clearly a waste of time and effort and more so when it’s also become quite clear that your partner is not and will not be a part of the solution because they are and have been part of the problem you’re now facing.

You.  Are.  Stuck.  You know now that you are royally fucked and, perhaps, not even close to being fucked in the good way you need to be.  There’s a certain five-letter word that has been rebounding around in your mind:  Cheat.  You face a really hard truth – you want to do this, you need to do this because it’s the only way to get what you want without saying goodbye to your partner forever – and all the hassles that will bring to bear.  Yet, you know you cannot do this; you are very much aware of the pain you will cause your partner and how much pain will resonate inside of you because you’ve caused them pain.  You know without having to give a lot of thought to it that your relationship, such as it is now, can be severely damaged and could very well come to a screeching and fatal halt.  You begin to think that, yes, maybe it needs to end, that you should just walk away so that you can be free to find someone who may better see to your needs… just as you know that it would trash pretty much everything you believe in, that your moral compass will become skewed because you did promise – you vowed – to accept them and stay only with them for better or for worse.

You are irrevocably stuck… but you are either aware or have heard of other things that could be done, ways to get you what you need while preserving the integrity of a relationship you do not want to sever.  You think of those things – you may even take advantage of the plethora of information available on the Internet – and while you get many answers, you also wind up with more questions that immediately prove themselves to be tough, beginning with “How can I do this?” and followed by “Will they agree to do this” and then by, “Will I be able to do this?”  You become very much aware that in order to answer any of these question, you must go looking for them, a prospect that maybe be an uncomfortable thing to do because (a) you may already know how your partner is going to react to such a thing or (b) you have no fucking idea how they’re going to react.  So you say nothing of this – well, not directly; maybe you decide to test the waters, dropping an “innocent” hint here and there then gauge your partner’s reaction, looking for the clues – both subtle and overt – that could tell you how they will react and respond to the thing you have on your mind.  Maybe you’re a bit bolder and you tell them directly what’s on your mind about this and maybe, just maybe, they don’t flip the fuck out on you but, as you will discover shortly, deflect things by telling you that they’ll think about it.

They didn’t say yes… but they didn’t say no – hmm, that’s both good and bad and makes the situation even more ambiguous but that’s okay because now you have to crank your brain up and start looking at scenarios, the things that could happen if your partner were to definitively say yes or no and this is also the time when you have to seriously question yourself as to whether or not you could even do this thing if they said yes.  One part of you says that doing it will be easy because it’s what you want and need to do while another part of you knows beyond any doubts that you are stepping deeply into the unknown because while you are fairly certain of what you want to do, you have no idea how to do it; you don’t have enough information to figure out how you’re going to get there from here.  Now you’re even more frustrated than before because not only do you have a possible solution that, for now, may or may not work but your needs are still being unfulfilled and as hard as you try to ignore them, they just will not go away and leave you alone.

You begin to realize that your choices are severely limited:  Do something and perhaps prosper or do nothing and continue to be stuck in place.  You begin to understand that if you do something, there is great risk at hand; likewise, you already understand that if you do nothing and remain in this very static situation, you will be even more unhappy in this.  There is, of course, another choice:  Leave them and everything you’ve wrought together and start over again, something that incurs even more risks and penalties and at levels that a part of you just does not want to deal with because with the exception of this one “little” thing, everything else about your relationship with them is okay.

You now find yourself even more mired in place than before; you’re frustrated and your greater frustration is continuing to have a negative effect, not only on you but on the relationship; it causes you to look at your partner in ways you thought you’d never do, i.e., how inadequate they are, that they were truly not equal to the task given to them, that they are inflexible, uncaring and oh, so, unwilling to help you resolve these issues and that they now seem to be more selfish and self-serving than you thought possible because while they are aware of the crisis within you, their only consideration is all about what they don’t want, what they’re not going to do… and it can make you question their supposed love for you because you thought – you believed – that when two people love each other, there shouldn’t be anything they won’t be willing to do and for the sake of that love.

You are stuck; you’re damned if you do and doubly damned if you don’t.  You are effectively trapped in place, bound by your word, your honor, and even your morality.  You feel helpless because you now realize a few things that never occurred to you before, things that you hoped, believed, and trusted could never happen.  You could effect change – you need to effect change – but the cost… the price and effort of change may be too high.  Whatever temptations you have are still there, teasing you with their promises of a hope that you may never get to realize because while there is taking care of yourself (so that you are able to take care of others), you are bound by duty and obligation to keep right on being stuck right where you are and to remain unfulfilled.

Sucks, doesn’t it?  None of it feels right or fair; you have the right to be happy and to be made happy but it’s not happening, the thrill is gone and may never return.  It’s not fair for this to happen to you… but it’s not fair for you to change the rules in your favor, either.  You want to just give up, to succumb to the inevitability of your situation because, after all, you are expected and required to accept it; at the same time, you don’t really give up the hope that things can and will change for the better and without effecting changes that could be harmful… but what can be worse than what you’re already going through?  Again, your choices are limited:  Be daring and step into the unknown – and with your partner at your side – or remain stuck in place, unfulfilled and unhappy with yourself, your partner and maybe even life itself because, after all, it’s not supposed to be like this, is it?  None of this was supposed to happen!  They promised me that they would take care of me, to provide for me!  You know that life tends to get in the way of such things… but doesn’t that happen to other people, to other couples?  Why is this happening to me and why can’t anything be done about it?

You have choices, none of which have a high degree of attractiveness:  You can take matters into your own hands… or you can continue to do nothing.  Both things have inherent risks and some that you are willing to take for the sake of your own happiness… and not so much.  You know you can do something, that you should do something but you can’t; either your personal ethic won’t allow you and/or your partner, whom you still love dearly, will not cooperate and could probably be very angry with you and any suggestion you could bring to the table.

You ask yourself, “What do other people do when this happens?”  They either change the rules – and take the risks – or they take a greater risk by cheating on their partner or they accept that resistance is, indeed, futile and continue to do nothing at all…

And remain stuck.

 
12 Comments

Posted by on 25 October 2014 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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