Life, Living and Loving: That TMI Tuesdays Thing

Wow… writing that piece for TMI Tuesdays brought back a rush of memories, spanning a great many years and a kinda huge mashup of the good and the bad experienced when taking a step to the side and not being totally monogamous.

I remember the beginning of things, the great shock and confusion of the moment, including the terrible painful feelings as well as feeling inadequate and unworthy to learn that I, alone, wasn’t enough… even though, after the initial review, it wasn’t really me that caused this to come to the surface but it still didn’t feel good to be told that she wanted someone – anyone – who wasn’t me and then trying to make sense of the explanation and getting to understand just how complex and confusing such a declaration really meant.

Like most husbands, I believed in the sanctity of marriage; I understood what it meant to be bound by the vows I’d taken and all that they said and was otherwise implied… only to find out and eventually come to the conclusion that it’s almost impossible to be all someone is ever going to need; not only that but over any given period of time, people change but being monogamous is so… static and creates an environment where a lot of things aren’t really allowed to change.

I also realized that there are… consequences to loving someone and vowing, saying, or even implying that you’d do anything in your power to make and keep your partner happy being with you. In this, it was that “shit or get off the pot” moment and dealing with a damned if you do and damned if you don’t moment and even having to decide which of the two evils were the one that could be lived with along with the even harder and painful thought processes to end a relationship that was, up to that moment, engaging and good.

Was this going to be the biggest mistake ever? A right and proper thing to do and all for the sake of love? The hardest part about this is not knowing what’s going to happen if you don’t… and now being fully aware of what’s gonna happen if you do. You think that you know the person you love with all your heart and soul… until you find out that you kinda/sorta don’t really know them but, then again, what this is really about is not being all that aware of what changes are going on inside of them and coming to terms over why you weren’t aware of them before you became aware of them. It’s not so much of a thing of not paying your partner enough attention but more of a thing of not being all that privy to everything they may be thinking about and those things that, for reasons of their own – and because of the nature of those thoughts – yeah, um, you might not want to mention them out of fear of reprisal:

Even when you know someone fairly well, you never really know how they’re going to react to something; you can be somewhat certain of that but, eh, not really but if you really want and need to know one way or the other, you just gird your loins and say the things that you know have to be said. There is a certain appreciation of this level of honesty and despite the amount and depth of emotional pain and agony that can be experienced to find out that your partner needs something you can’t provide them or they need a lot more of what you’re already giving them and even they need something that’s different in a great many ways.

It’s even a bigger bitch to get kicked in the balls and finding out that what you so very much believed in was flawed and incredibly so; it’s a shock to the system when you look at all of this and realize that those vows and other such affirmations we make when we are in a relationship do not ever factor in the fact that people change and that odd situation where everything is going well… but not really. And you don’t really get to understand that, sometimes, a change in things – and this kind of change in particular – is one that is seen to be necessary even if for one’s own sense of self-preservation and invoking Rule Number One: Look after your own ass first. In these things, the vows and affirmations we make, I think, were designed to eliminate this very important rule and implies that you are expected, required and demanded to sacrifice all that you are for something you now know doesn’t really work the way they say it’s supposed to work and without exception.

If nothing else, getting smacked in the face with this can have you asking yourself just how much you really love, want, and need someone; it makes you face yourself – did you really, honestly, and truly mean all of the things you said about loving them… and if you reject the “ultimatum” of putting an end to being monogamous, it’s not so much about what it says about them but it does get you thinking about what your rejection says about you; if I learned nothing else from this, I not only learned that what we believe about how relationships are supposed to be isn’t the only thing that’s flawed and erroneous: It’s also your belief in such a flawed system, too.

What would you do for the sake of love? I know what I did and I gotta tell you that even as I made the very difficult decision to break the rules, I had a lot of misgivings and even fears over it but, then again, from where I was sitting, I didn’t really have much of a choice in the matter and the question I had to answer for myself was which thing was better – to know what she was doing and who she might be doing it with… or not know what was going on but also knowing that this was gonna happen with or with my “blessings?”

I had a lot of people tell me that I made the wrong decision; I should have left her and some… assholes said I should have given her a proper ass-kicking over this; I’m not that guy and leaving her – and that being the “logical” thing to do – well, my heart and my love for her wasn’t hearing any of that and more so when you’ve invested your whole life in someone, throwing it all away is a pretty dumb thing to do because it’s time in your life that you can never get back and while many people would suffer through having to start all over again with someone else, shit: When you get hit with this life-changing revelation, you become very aware that if it happened once, it could happen again and for a lot of the same reasons.

As a result, I totally lost faith in the tenets of monogamy. Oh, it has its good parts and for many, it works well since many are quite content to abide by the rules and no matter what’s going on with things. In a way, it’s a matter of honor, isn’t it? You vowed or promised to keep only unto yourself and let no one put asunder… but you also vowed or promised to be in this together through better or worse… and it doesn’t get any worse than knowing that even at your very best, you’re not all they will ever want and need and while such things can be suppressed, there might come a time, a tipping point, where their survival – and in their view of things – is in jeopardy and something has to be done… and by any means necessary.

And I was made to understand that this doesn’t apply to just those who are married; we deal with being in a relationship but not being married under the same tenets and guidelines and the only real difference is lawyers don’t get involved when things go south or otherwise break down. As we discussed how this very drastic change in our lives was going to take shape, I spent a lot of time kicking my own ass over believing something that, again after really and seriously looking at it, was about as flawed as anything can be; who in their right mind vows and/or promises to never want anything or, in the case, anyone else; who in their right mind actually sets themselves up to either fail or to find themselves stuck in place and without any other way to get unstuck outside of taking that relationship and throwing it all away.

But then seeing and beginning to understand that, hah – you can have your cake and eat it, too; you don’t have to throw it all away and that this? This not being monogamous thing? That’s well within the realms of something that’s humanly possible to do and more so when you really do love someone as much as you think and you’ve said that you do… and now it’s time to shit or get off the pot and to prove that those things you said about loving them weren’t empty and meaningless and that, you are willing to stick with them for better or worse. Holy shit, right?

So we went there and I’m not gonna lie and say that everything went swimmingly well… because it didn’t; even in this, I came to understand that not only do we really don’t know how to be in a relationship to begin with, this not being monogamous thing is an even bigger unknown. We know the theory of being in a relationship and we develop our own idea about how this is supposed to go – but based on something that, again, has more holes in it than a screen and, at the worst, prevents people from being who they really need to be as well as suppressing a lot of shit that is more damaging that breaking the rules seems to be.

Even after the long years after making that fateful decision, I still sometimes ask myself if by agreeing to not being monogamous, did I really make a mistake… and I found that no, I really didn’t even though things were rocky in the beginning and as in any relationship, shit doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to… but you improvise, overcome, and adapt and even more so when you really don’t want to lose what you already have; you just gotta take the good with the bad and keep making the best of things and to the best of your ability to do so.

The things that took place were exciting and all that but when I look back at it all, the biggest thing I took away from this departure from the norm is what I learned about myself. It was pretty fucked up to find out that I wasn’t as grown-up, worldly, or even as smart as I thought myself to be. I thought, once upon a time, that I could handle anything… right up to the moment I found out that I couldn’t handle this. The one thing I found that I could pat myself on the back about was being willing to step into very unknown territory and deal with it and, oddly, it became a matter of personal honor; I could have thrown in the towel but since I didn’t, time again to shit or get off the pot… and for better or worse.

Because of what being in love can really mean and that this? This not being monogamous thing? Yeah… love says you can do that if you’re not afraid to because, sure enough, love conquers all. The challenge of a lifetime and one wrought with more pitfalls, sink holes, and other hazards; it’s everyone’s worst nightmare and greatest fears come true and made real… now it’s a question of whether you’re really grown up enough to face the fears and nightmares… and for the sake of love itself.

Those of you who’ve been following and reading, you might remember the things I’ve said about this situation and they always bear repeating: You have to unlearn everything you thought you knew about love, sex, and relationships in order to learn a very different way to do these things. You have to be willing and able to break a whole lot of rules and see the reason for breaking them because the love you have for each other pretty much demands that those rules be tossed out and newer ones be put into place.

I am really and seriously not joking when I say it was the most insane thing I ever agreed to and have been a part of… and the thrill of a lifetime all at the same time. We grew together in this; we learned together; we reveled in it together and we suffered through the missteps and failures together; we not only learned much about ourselves as individuals, we learned about ourselves as a couple and even then, there was much joy and pain in the learning. One of the big things I learned was just because you can do a thing, you don’t always have to do it… but if you can, well, why not? It wasn’t so much what we were doing that held a lot of importance to me but the fact that we were sharing it all with each other was the thing that made such an insane decision for either of us, oddly and strangely, probably the best thing we could have ever done.

There are always regrets and nothing is forever… but you learn to be and live in the moments and I’m not sure if even now if I can really explain this state of mind. I know all that went wrong, the mistakes both of us made along the way; I realize that we were learning how to do this as we went along – since there was no Internet at the time, there wasn’t the current wealth of information that could be referred to and it wasn’t like we knew of anyone who was also doing this very crazy thing before the fact. Things could have gone better… but they could have been much, much worse.

And the craziest thing? I’d do it again. There really is no such thing as loving and being loved too much and that feeling alone is amazing beyond mere words and, yeah, the sex? It’s amazing how good it can be once you free your mind from the way it’s supposed to be. Even in this, it’s fascinating to see how we grew in this, from going about it individually to doing it together, to having and sharing lovers and that poly way. If nothing else, you won’t ever look at monogamy the same way ever again and, really, the lesson to be learned is that no matter what kind of relationship you’re in, you do have a duty – a responsibility – to make the relationship as good as it can be; you have that same duty and responsibility for your partner’s wants and needs and if there’s one that they have, it’s not impossible to provide it and, believe it or not, it can make you feel rather wonderful knowing that you are able to provide for those needs.

And because love says that you should even though the rules say that you can’t and shouldn’t. For most people and when you ask them what they’re willing to do for the sake of love, the answer is, “Not a whole lot.” When we tell the person we love, “I love you,” there’s an unspoken “but” that can be present and, of course, that usually represents what you’re not going to do. There are, of course, some things that shouldn’t ever be done like, I love you… but I’m not gonna go kill someone just because it would make you happy and other such stuff along those lines. But giving you that “more” that you know you need and it will require some… outside help? We can do that; all we have to do it put our heads together and decide the best way to get it done for each other…

And for the sake of the love we have for each other and for love, itself. Most people will say that they couldn’t do it; that they wouldn’t do it even if it could literally save a life; they don’t believe in such shit and the promises, vows, and affirmations are inviolate and resolute. They’d rather throw away an otherwise good relationship. Some might even give the sense of that they care about their own ass more than they do the person they’re with. It reminds me of that song by Meatloaf – I’d do anything for love… but I won’t do that and, in this, the “that” is putting yourselves in that seemingly impossible situation of having your cake and eating it, too, and the cake eating is being enjoyed and even shared.

If it sounds like a lot of work, believe me – it is and this is a rabbit hole that is even deeper than you can imagine it to be and while doing it ain’t easy the hardest part is all of the stuff that I think has to happen before any doing gets close to happening… and I’m pretty sure that you’re gonna learn some stuff that you’re gonna wish you hadn’t learned about your partner and yourself, too. That part alone is a good enough reason for not even going there and for many, love isn’t a good enough reason and, well, shit – I really don’t know what to say about that mindset.

Writing the TMI Tuesday piece brought back so many memories, some beyond pleasant and those that just weren’t pretty at all. It’s something that is hard to wrap your head around even in theory because it calls for one to be able to set aside that which they believe and going to places that our morality deems to be forbidden territory. You think you know what it means and is like to love someone? You really have no idea of what that really means until what you think you know or otherwise believe gets challenged and put to the test. Most people would run away from this… and, let’s say, only the most bold and daring will run toward it and for no other reason that they believe more in the power of love than they do the tenets of monogamy.

I don’t believe in it any more and haven’t for a very long time. It has value and there’s no denying that and for many, it works… and for many more, nope – not really. A lot of people these days are seriously looking at being ethically non-monogamous or, my favorite phrase, negotiated infidelity and many are finding out how to make it work for them. They are, today, finding out what I did so many decades ago:

I would do anything for love… including that.

 

Life, Living and Loving: Fits and Starts… and Hiccups

If you manage to get through all of the stuff that needs to be done in order to agree to open up your relationship, there remains yet another hurdle: Finding someone – or someones – you can explore your newly-found (or newly won) freedom with.

If you had asked me, before all of this took place in my life, who’d I’d give my right arm to sleep with, I could have spent a week writing down the names of everyone I may have wanted to sleep with. After this life-changing moment?

Couldn’t think of anyone. Even worse, couldn’t even run into someone who, upon first glance, I could say, “Okay… that person might be fun!” Being bisexual, well, the male part of the equation wasn’t all that difficult since, in the majority of times, I didn’t have to go looking for a dick to play with – they’d find me and from “directions” that would have me getting that, “Who knew?” look on my face.

My biggest problem with women? Convincing them that I wasn’t lying to them when I’d tell them that I really did have permission to have sex with them, you know, if they were interested. It got to the point where I’d even tell them that if they didn’t believe me – and they didn’t – they could call my wife and hear it from her. Sometimes that worked, sometimes it just made women even more suspicious and suggest that I could have faked the confirmation and the woman they were talking to really wasn’t my wife.

As a guy, you get used to being summarily dissed by women and to the point when one tells you, nope, ain’t gonna happen, you just shrug, lick whatever tiny wound the rejection created – and as opposed to the huge, gaping wounds you could received and before you learned to get used to it – and keep searching for one who just might say yes. In this environment, whew – the rejection aspect was even more profound and in the early going, I thought, “What’s the point in being free to do something when it’s harder to make happen?”

Fits and starts… and hiccups. Even if you’ve developed a plan of action in these things there’s that saying the military has: No plan survives first contact with the enemy… and it is so very true! You learn that just because you and your partner have a plan – and maybe even several plans – in place, that doesn’t mean that those you might interact with, one, is going to go along with your plan or, two, doesn’t have a plan of their own that they’d prefer to put into play.

One of the things about being open that tends to defeat couples isn’t always what they may wind up doing – it’s the inability to do anything at all or you get someone interested, plans are made… and the whole kit and caboodle falls into a crack or otherwise never sees the light of day; the other person or persons gets cold feet, or realizes their own plan in this has way too many flaws, or one of their rules are in violation, or even, with couples, someone realizes that they’re in a position to wind up taking one for the team and/or the green-eyed monster arrives with all its bells and whistles on and, yeah – they just don’t believe a word you’re saying.

It’s frustrating to ask your partner, “Have you gotten any interest?” and they reveal the fits, starts, and hiccups they’ve been experiencing as well that might have the two of you asking what, if anything, you’re doing wrong… and chances are that you’re not doing anything wrong… you probably just kinda overlooked the fact that you still gotta be able to convince other people to have sex with you… and that can include anyone you do happen to know who may have said or even hinted that they wouldn’t mind having sex with someone who isn’t their partner.

Doesn’t mean that someone is going to be you. For a lot of couples, swinging is a “logical” solution and choice because, you know, swingers are just wild and crazy sexual animals who often have parties just for that purpose… and even in this, many find that this solution ain’t what it appears to be and being rejected – and for the tiniest of things – is just a way of life in the world of swinging. The hard thing to swallow in this is that they will tell you that if you get rejected, it’s not personal and, well, shit – I don’t know about you but rejection sure feels pretty damned personal to me.

Who wants to be told or have the feeling that you’re just not good enough for them? Now, it’s not that newly open couples cannot and do not have success in this venue – they do but it remains true in any of this that in order to have sex with someone, you still gotta convince them that doing so would be in their best interests.

Getting off the ground and running isn’t always that easy, from being able to find like-minded individuals or couples, to the ever-present specter of rejection and including all the fits, starts, and hiccups that seem to appear and more so when – and this the not-so-funny part – before y’all decided to be open, you were turning down offers for sex and almost as a matter of course.

What’s the solution? There’s only one that I know of and that is to not give up. Stick with it; remain dedicated to this; talk about any or all fits, starts, and hiccups and take a close look at your plan to see if there’s something that needs to be changed. Keep in mind that if you’re out there searching for others to play with, there are others out there doing the same thing… and the problem here is that unless you somehow make contact, there’s no way to know that they’re out there and looking just like you are.

You might even know someone – or someones – who might be interested and more so if you’ve ever heard them talking about it; hell, you may know someone who’d been hinting and hitting on you and you’ve – yeah – rejected them and, as such, they just might be gung ho to throw it down with you… but it might not be the slam-dunk you think it is.

That’s about the time you learn something very important: Thinking and doing really aren’t the same things. Even I learned that some folks can talk up a blue streak about how they’d love to get you in bed, you know, if you weren’t married (or otherwise in a relationship) but the moment you tell them, “Well, now you can!” um, shit, ah, all of a sudden, they don’t seem all that eager to make their fantasy about having you a reality – and if they believe you in the first place.

And they probably won’t. Again, it’s frustrating and a lot of couples just give up on their plans to be open. Sometimes it’s a waiting game; it can include being… daring enough to put out feelers to see if the person – or persons – you think would go for it are, in fact, of a mind to go for it. In this, you gotta be the ultimate salesperson and gain the skills necessary to counter – and even negate – any and every reason the others will offer about why they’re not going to get naked with you.

You have to be able to suspend their beliefs and, yeah, convince them that you’re not lying to them or – gasp – setting them up for something that’s gonna get them into trouble. You have to be ready and willing to tell them the whole story of why you’re asking them to have sex with you… while, at the same time, having the sure and certain understanding that they still – and probably – aren’t going to believe that your proposition to them is 100% legitimate.

And… it happens. It’s so easy to have spent an untold amount of time putting this being open thing together and now you’re ready to rock and roll… and it’s not happening or, worse, the fits, starts, and hiccups arrive to dash plans upon the rocks of failure. You should be proactive and learn from the failures, not only about yourselves and whatever plans you have but to take a look at the people you’re trying to entice into your bed and examine what their objections are – and then come up with a way to counter their objections.

It’s not easy and more so if, by chance, you already know someone – or some someones – who would be good playmates. It’s always good to know who is that open-minded about sex and that they just might have the same mindset about the flaws and fallacies of remaining monogamous… doesn’t mean that they’re gonna jump at the chance to have a roll in the hay with you and more so when we tend to abide by and hold true to the notion that friends don’t fuck their friends.

Which, of course, isn’t as true as it seems and, indeed, it tends to defy logic because we also tend to agree that it’s better the devil you know than the one you don’t. We say that screwing people we know – and know well – can destroy friendships and, yep – that can happen but – yep – it doesn’t always happen which, if anything, should make you pay closer attention to the people you know and determine if you can approach them or otherwise feel them out on the matter because the truth is that unless you ask, you’re never going to know.

Do your best to not let the rejections, fits, starts, and hiccups get you to thinking that doing this ain’t worth it and/or all you’re going to do is keep failing. More often than not, getting off the ground and running requires a great deal of patience as well as the ability to cultivate relationships with others and provided you’re fairly sure they can be convinced that not only are you as serious as a heart attack about this and as sincere and honest as possible, it’s going to be in their best interests for y’all to get together to, ah, gain some very biblical knowledge of each other.

In the first month of being officially open, I failed more than I succeeded and most of that was because I’m a guy – and everyone knows that men will say and do anything to get into a woman’s panties. Good lord… I don’t know how many times I said to someone, “I don’t know what I can do or say to convince you that I’m not lying and this is very much a real-deal kind of thing!” Sometimes you just gotta dust off those skills you put on the shelf, you know, the ones you used to convince people to have sex with you… when you were single.

It can take time… lots of time… or, yeah, sometimes, you hit gold right out of the gate. I can tell you what it takes to be able to be open; I can tell you – and in no uncertain terms – how not to do this… but I can’t tell you how to get other people into your beds – that’s something you’re gonna have to figure out for yourself. Do women have an “easier” time with this?

Not as much as you might think. Sure… they have the potential to get any dick they want… still gotta convince the guy that it’ll be in everyone’s best interest. Getting pussy? Might seem like a no-brainer… and it often isn’t and even if your female partner happens to knows women who are – or might be – kinda/sorta into women because there are a lot of such women who have been plied with the fear of the dreaded “L” word – lesbian. Or, if they are down with it, chances are they’re on the DL and doing everything they know how to do to keep their male partner – or even female partner if it’s like that – from finding out that they’ve been getting some on the side.

Does this give you any idea of why a lot of couples who try this wind up giving up on it? In the swinging pool, it’s often the woman who decides who gets to have sex with them… and even they are – and can be – funny about who gets to have sex with them, not to mention the guy who thinks he’s the one in control and calling the shots – and the guy who’s usually making a ton of rules about what his lady can’t do and what others aren’t allowed to do.

To that end, I stand by what I say about going out of your way to protect your relationship because you can invoke rules in a way that might protect your relationship… and it’s not going to get you what you want in this. It’s fine and dandy to have rules – to not have them, well, that makes no sense. However, when it comes to rules, the thing to remember is they do not have to be locked in lead or deemed to be unchangeable or non-negotiable. You still have to protect yourself at all times but when it comes to being open, y’all should talk about making it easier to do this more than talking about making it harder.

And throughout it all, you talk to each other… and keep talking because it’s the only way you’re gonna stay on the same page; it’s the only way you’re gonna be able to make adjustments and to be able to compare notes about those you are interested in can be very damned valuable.

If the fits, starts, and hiccups show up to toss huge monkey wrenches into the works, just do your best to remove them and keep moving forward. Being rejected or otherwise not believed that what you’re saying and proposing isn’t true? It’s gonna happen and you can’t – you shouldn’t – let these things dismay you whether y’all are going at this solo or going about it as a team.

Make a plan. Stick to it but be ready to revise it as necessary. Just don’t give up on it… and don’t just sit back on your cute asses and think that now that you’re open, suitable people are just gonna start flocking to you and lining up for their chance to experience sex with you.

Because one of the hardest things about being open is, in fact, the work you have to put in to be successful and that level of work can make remaining monogamous look like the easiest thing in the world to do. I can think of only one thing that’s even harder:

Starting a polyamorous family which has a lot of same “failure rates” as merely being open… and many more complications.

Did I mention how seriously deep this particular rabbit hole can be?

 

Life, Living and Loving: The Green-eyed Monster

Open marriages/relationships. Guys drooling over having a “hot wife.” On the surface, oh, yeah, this sounds like the shit to end all shits and while one tends to hear men talk about this a lot, it’s not outside the realm of possibility that a woman in a relationship would want more… intimacy than just being his sex partner can afford.

It’s the thing that always sounds good in theory. A couple can, if they’re not afraid to, sit down and talk about breaking free from monogamy – and usually in that “how can we spice things up” way. At this time, closely held fantasies can be revealed and even a very in-depth analysis of their sex life can take place and, um, that can be pretty brutal and hard to listen to, let alone hard to say to your partner.

I’ve told a lot of people who are of a mind that going this route would, they think and feel, be a fantastic thing that, okay, yeah – having been where they want to be? Absolutely amazing… and of the things that exposed some shit in me that I didn’t like and revealed that I was dumb enough to think that I could handle watching my woman having sex with someone else and like it was no big deal. Even after we spent an untold amount of time talking about a whole lot of stuff – and stuff that, as it turned out, neither of us really wanted to know or hear about – wow… and I can’t begin to tell you how upsetting that was.

The logic of it all makes sense; a couple can, if they’re forward-thinking enough, open-minded enough, grown up enough, and dedicated to each other enough, come to the joint conclusion that doing this will make them – individually and as a couple – better together. The thought of this is – and can be – exhilarating and very damned scary; it’s one thing to know or be aware that other couples have done this… something else when it’s the two of you trying to do this.

“How can me and my lady get into this?” A guy I knew asked me that question and I told him what I had learned about this and what it took for us to get to the moment when, instead of us being out there one-on-one with other people – and that really fucks with your head just to think about what you’re partner is out there doing with someone else and you don’t know what’s going on – making the decision to include others, well, yeah – that just made sense.

I told him how long we talked about this; what we talked about; what we even kinda argued about and especially how very hard it was to have these conversations because you tend to find out that you don’t know each other as well as you think you do or that you’ve both been going right along thinking that everything is A-OK… only to find out that, shit, not so much.

He asked, “Well, can’t we just agree to check this out?” and I said that, sure – you could… but that agreement isn’t going to happen easily. I told him that, obviously, he had his own thoughts about it but what he didn’t know – at that time – was what his lady might think about this. I also told him that I had learned – the hard way – that thinking about this is fairly easy; that knowing your partner is out there screwing other people is one thing and, again, not all that easy to wrap your head around… but seeing it? Being right there while it’s happening?

“I can handle it,” he said.

“I said the same thing,” I said. “Then found out that, for a moment that seemed to last forever – but was only a few seconds – that I couldn’t handle it as well as I thought I could.”

“Did you freak out?” he asked.

“I almost did but I got my shit together and remembered why we were doing this,” I said. “I got over it and everything turned out fine… but the conversation we had after the other couple had left was – let’s say it was very revealing; it exposed some things that we both had kinda glossed over or otherwise didn’t give as much thought to as we should have.”

“But I’ll tell you what your biggest problem is going to be right off the bat,” I said, shaking my head because while the guy was rather intelligent, he had no idea what he was trying to get into.

“What’s that?” he asked.

“Bringing it up to your lady,” I said. “I’m thinking that you’re thinking that you know her, that y’all can talk about every- and anything and discussing this isn’t going to be any different but I’m also thinking that the moment you mention this, you’re gonna find out some shit about her that you didn’t know about. Even if you manage to bring it up and keep your head on your neck – and even if you can get her to agree that checking this out would be a good thing for both of you, that doesn’t mean that it’s gonna happen and no matter how much sense the whole thing makes.”

“I don’t see why she wouldn’t want to check it out,” he said.

“You don’t? Hah… you don’t know a whole lot about women, do you? Even if she tells you that she wouldn’t mind having more sex and with someone else, do you really think that means she’s gonna jump on the bandwagon and actually do it? Look… I can tell you and in no uncertain terms that this thing always sounds like a good idea… until you get into what it’s gonna take to do it – and I’m not even talking about getting to the point where the two of you are getting ready to do it!”

“You make it sound impossible,” he said.

“It isn’t impossible,” I said. “But you’d have to be able to explain to her – and in very great detail – why doing this would be a good thing for her to be a part of. A lot of women will profess how much they love sex and how much they love getting laid and they’re not lying about that… but you’re talking about introducing other people into your sex life together – think about that one for a moment.”

“So she’s just gonna say no?” he asked.

“Probably… and maybe not. Either way, you’re gonna find out some shit about her that you didn’t know about her – and that’s if she even bothers to let the conversation continue,” I said. “Do you really think she’s gonna reveal to you all of her secret sexual desires and like y’all are just talking about the weather?”

“Shit… so what should I do?” he asked.

“I can’t tell you that and I wouldn’t try to. If you think she’d be down with this, well, ask her… just don’t be surprised at how she might react to your proposition,” I said. “You know what they say – if you don’t ask, you won’t know… but they also say that you should never ask someone something that you really don’t want to hear the answer to.”

He did, as I found out later, propose being open to her. He said that after some long discussions – and having some painful shit revealed on both side – they agreed to give it a go. They found another couple to get busy with… and he freaked out something fierce and started a fight with the other guy – and while giving his lady a raft of shit for having the nerve to be enjoying the other guy more than she’d “normally” enjoy him.

Yep… that didn’t go or end well at all and it’s a hard object lesson. You really do have to relearn some shit about this and you sure as hell have to learn how to master – or keep in check – your emotions and, as always, I’m talking about the negative ones. He, like a lot of guys, thought he could handle watching someone else fuck his lady silly but, as I had told him, “Thinking it is one thing… but seeing it is a whole very different thing and more so when chances are you’re gonna find something else about her that you didn’t know… and you are most definitely gonna find out some shit about yourself that, before the fact, you didn’t give a lot of thought to because you thought you could handle it.”

I’ve seen so many couples try this… and fail… and catastrophically and fatally so…. and that’s just by being open in the first place, let alone introducing the group sex piece. Just trying to convince your partner that this would be of great benefit to one and all can be one hell of a thing to do and the more they believe in monogamy and marriage vows – and keeping in mind that unmarried couples are held to the same standards as married folks are – the harder it will be to convince them to do something that violates principles… even if they would agree that, yeah – that sounds like it would be fun.

Or, as I said to one couple, “If it was that easy, everyone would be into it…” Yeah, it’s one of those “lame” statements that kinda makes no real sense when you tear it down and look at it closely but it is a statement that says, even in a sort of backhanded way, that if you think this is gonna be easy, well, hmm.

The main issues? Jealousy is at the top of the list, followed by envy and possessiveness tends to arrive and, of course, anger, both with your partner as well as with yourself. Another issue is doing this for the “wrong” reason; to me, this means that if you’re not doing this for the betterment of your relationship and for the powerful love you have for each other, yeah, this might not be a good thing to do. If you’re not as mentally prepared to see your partner behaving in… very different ways, it’s going to make seeing it – and even knowing about it in the one-on-one, solo aspects of being open – you both just might be setting each other up to fail, not only in trying to do this but causing the relationship to suffer what might be a premature death.

Knowing what I went through in this? I’m pretty quick to try to talk couples out of going there. Is it possible a couple can do this and be successful as well as thriving as a couple? Indeed it is! It’s just not all that easy because, like I told that guy, the first roadblock to face is putting this proposal up for your partner to consider. Before you even let the words come out of your mouth, you need to have plans… and those plans need to have plans; you have to be ready to not only talk about the pros but all of the cons that are, most certainly, going to come up…

Provided your partner doesn’t shut the conversation down before you have a chance to explain why you think this would be a good thing to get into. If you think that men would be more… agreeable to this? Guess again and it might help to remember how territorial we can be about “our pussy.”

What does it take? A love so strong that you both just know that nothing can touch it and tear it apart. It takes a level of communication that is severely deep and the type that goes to everyone’s “secret” place, that and being able to tell each other about each other’s positives and shortcomings – and without getting totally pissed off about it. This level of communication takes time to get through so it’s not as if a couple is going to talk about it for a few minutes; it can take much longer than that and I can’t think of a more serious and even personal conversation a couple can have with each other.

And even if you manage to get through this, you still have to arrange to do it which usually means trying to convince another couple that getting naked with the two of you is gonna be fun and in their best interest… and being ready to deal with being rejected time and time again. Even if you manage to get through this part, you still have to bear witness to each other having sex with someone else – a moment of truth that is quite the bitch. Some go for the gusto and leave their inhibitions at the door; sounds like a good thing but the other member of the couple might not think so all that much.

Or, the opposite can happen; someone’s inhibitions slam into place – and they bring some friends and just make someone either freeze up or otherwise not allow them to enjoy things as much as they thought they would. I’ve heard so many guys talk about how excited – and painfully hard – they get to think about himself and his lady being in this moment… only to be in it… and they just cannot perform and to the point where they couldn’t get hard even if their life depended on it.

I’ve seen couples get into this and discover that they didn’t talk or plan things out as much as they thought; I’ve seen them create rules – which are needed – that, sometimes, makes sure that they will never have sex with another couple… or anyone else outside of the relationship. If you go into this with the thought in mind that doing everything you can to protect the relationship – like the real possibility of falling in love with someone outside of the relationship and the specter of loss hovering over everything – well, ya might not want to go there. Some couples go out of their way to control the actions of each other in this; to that end, if you have insecurities, chances are this ain’t gonna go well for either of you.

I say, over and over, that if a couple finds that this is what they need to do with and for each other, they first have to unlearn everything they thought they knew about love, sex, and relationships so they can learn a totally different way to go about this. I’m not joking or making light of things when I say that you really and seriously have to be grown up to get into this and you sure as fuck have to be able to keep whatever negative emotions you have – or wind up having – at bay, in check, and under as much control as you can manage.

And you have to talk. And talk some more. Not just in the planning phase but all throughout the life of this. People change; situations aren’t always so easy to control; and if the two of you aren’t working hard to stay on the same page with each other – and keep closely in touch with each other’s thoughts and feelings – both the good and bad – your success in this might be in jeopardy.

If you talk about this and your list of things you ain’t gonna do and cannot be allowed is longer than the list of things that can be done and is allowed, well, that’s not gonna work, not so much because such things cannot be agree upon but because the one thing I think a lot of couple who fail at this doesn’t take into account is, simply, someone changing their mind about what they want to experience. A lot of couples just fail to leave room for “shit” to happen; they don’t – or I think they don’t – consider how someone is going to react to someone else… and then there’s that whole “taking one for the team” thing that few people I know of care about all that much and the thing that, personally, makes me wonder about some stuff, like, how can you not be excited and raring to go to have sex with someone? Yeah, I know – attraction plays a huge role in this but the thing here is that attractions means different things to different people… and, honestly, it doesn’t work the way everyone thinks it does – or it should.

Do ya still think getting into this is easy? Lord… I hope not. It is complicated and I’m understating it and so much that a lot of couples rarely get out of the talking about it phase because this is a seriously deep rabbit hole that seems to be bottomless and you have to be “beyond” dedicated to each other and the relationship to have even the slightest chance of making this work.

Because if there’s one seriously glaring failure in this, it’s thinking “me” and not “us.” What’s gonna be good for me more than hashing out what is going to be good for the two of us and our journey through life with each other. Another is getting each other to suspend pretty much everything you believe in and while a lot of things can be set aside, belief is one that is never easy to set aside… and if you really and truly do not believe that this is going to be a good thing to do, well, I’ll be blunt and say you’re fucked – and most definitely in the good way that’s being proposed.

Having said all of this, if you can get through all of this, it’s an adventure and the kind that I’ve heard some couples say, “I don’t know why we didn’t do this before now!” It will change your lives, both as individuals and as a couple. There will be ups and downs and it makes the need to communicate even more important and understanding that if this thing gets up and running, it will not run all by itself. You gotta work at it… and in most cases harder than you would just keeping only onto yourselves.

And, I think, just as important, if everything isn’t negotiable or you’ve set up things that doesn’t allow for change… you will fail. If the communication isn’t wide open and honest – even if some of what’s talked about is kinda/sorta fucked up – you will fail. If you don’t learn to master the art of compromise, ditto. If you’re trying to convince your partner that this is what the relationship needs in order to thrive and survive – and you’re not gonna be willing to offer the reluctant partner anything they might want in this, guess what ain’t gonna happen?

Got insecurities? Trust issues? Thoughts of losing your partner makes you wanna throw up? Stuff like that? If you can’t learn together how to get rid of these things, well, I don’t know what to tell you other than don’t even go there.

And, yeah – the green-eyed monster will most certain show up and its only purpose is to take your most grandest plan for the greatest adventure of your lives… and just fuck it up in anyway it can. If you get it into your head that your partner is getting more out of this than you are – or they’re thinking the same thing, yep: That’s a problem and, again, I know I’m understanding the severity of the situation. If, in group settings, you feel like you’re being left out or even ignored, well, ya might want to, first, get that out of your head and, second, just get in there and have all the fun you can; otherwise, guess what’s gonna happen… and I can assure you that it’s not going to be good.

Sounds really good “on paper;” not even easy to make a reality. If you go there, failure in any of this cannot be an option and, believe me – a lot of shit is going to happen that’s gonna want to make you fail.

It can be done. I did it and for a very large portion of my life and I will point out that I was totally and completely against it – but I saw the necessity of it because the only thing worse than knowing what your partner is doing is not knowing what they’re doing. Heard some shit that, even today, makes me cringe just to think about it. None of it was easy but, yeah, if it were that easy, everyone would and could do it. The reality says otherwise and, as always, I remain the guy who has the nerve to say something about this.

I ain’t saying to never go there and especially if everything in your lives is, in fact, pointing in this direction; I’m just saying that getting into this will, most likely, be the hardest thing you’ve ever done, from bringing it up to actually doing it and making it work. It will expose you and your partner and, yes, uncomfortably so to find out some stuff about each other that you didn’t know about and no matter how long you’ve been together. Keeping secrets? Forget that. Not being honest about stuff? Forget that, too. Saying, “We can do this… but I don’t ever wanna hear about it?” Big mistake.

And if the two of you aren’t doing this for the “us” that you are and supposed to be, well, damn…

 

Life, Living and Loving: “I Didn’t See That Coming!”

When it comes to discussing alternative relationships – being open, polyamory, etc., there’s a lot of planning involved and so much that a lot of couples, even when interested, can be loathe to bring it up because just thinking about it as an individual can bring up a tsunami of things that have to be thought and talked about, from why this is being brought to the table to how things are gonna work and, jeez, so many things that it becomes an information overload.

But couples manage to wade through it all, get their rules all hashed out and, provided they’re fortunate enough to find others to join them in this, they’re off and running. I’ve had the honor and privilege to have sat with quite a few couples to help them sort all of this out and one of the things that can trip a couple up comes when I ask them about same sex stuff.

Some come right out and say that this is off the table; ain’t gonna happen and better not happen; some say that they talked about it briefly… but dismissed the possibility and, sure, some have, tentatively, said that they didn’t think it would be a problem but not something they’d talked and they’ll worry about that if such a thing happens.

And I’ve told them, “That’s a mistake…” and then I’ve told them why it’s a mistake. In these things, couples tend to think about what they want to do and experience… but not think so much about what could happen. Many do believe that no “funny business” is gonna happen because neither of them are into that – and it’s understandable… but. still, some “funny business” should never be dismissed out of hand because, at the very least, shit does happen and when you’re not expecting – or wanting – it to.

Then tack on that you never know when one or the other person is going to change their mind about that and, sometimes, on the fly and then because something inside of them is saying, “Go ahead… do it… you know you want to…” In this, a lot of couples think that “heat of the moment” stuff can’t and shouldn’t happen, that everyone involved should always be in complete and total control of themselves and, well, hmm, let’s just say that I’ve seen this happen so many times that thinking this way is a mistake.

It becomes a huge shock to the system and can start some pretty nasty arguments… and usually because it’s something they didn’t discuss, didn’t plan for, figured that they didn’t have to allow for such a thing to happen

One couple I know got off the ground and running and were having the time of their lives. One day, I happened to run into the male half of the relationship and asked him how things were going and he had said it was going very well until, one night, his lady suddenly went down on the other woman.

“I didn’t see that coming!” he had said.

“Well, um, when we all talked about that, I remember telling you that such a thing could happen – and you both insisted that it wouldn’t and couldn’t. I also remember telling you that it would be a mistake to dismiss the possibility, didn’t I?”

“Yeah, you did, but, shit, I didn’t think it could happen,” he said.

“I hope you didn’t jump in her ass about it,” I said. “I also hope that this… surprise didn’t ruin the moment for everyone.”

“Nah, nothing got ruined – the other couple was pleasantly surprised,” he said.

“Good… and I hope that the two of you talked about this later and y’all weren’t arguing about it,” I said.

“We talked about it and, I dunno, I wasn’t mad… but I was just surprised because she never said anything about that,” he said.

“Let me guess at something. I’ll bet that when you asked her what happened, she first said she didn’t know but then she said that it just felt like the right thing to do,” I said. “That sound about right?”

He blinked then asked, “Did she talk to you about that?”

“No, she didn’t,” I said. “But I’m right, aren’t I?”

“Yeah… how the fuck did you know what she said?” he asked.

“Because I’ve both heard and seen it happen before,” I said. “I’ve even seen guys do this and they’ve said that it just made sense or it felt like the right thing to do in that moment. I’ve heard both men and women say that they’ve even shocked themselves to realize what they were doing and, later, would say that they didn’t know what made them do it or, in some cases, allow it.”

The situation turned out well for them… but it doesn’t always turn out well and what started out being a good thing has turned into a bad thing… because no one really wants to factor any of this in. They don’t want to acknowledge the possibility and they most certainly never take into account that someone might change their mind about this. Ideally, this should be part of the conversation to begin with and, just as ideally, if one is feeling this at any time after the rules have been set, it merits some discussion. Doesn’t mean that the next time out, something’s gonna happen but it’s always important to find out and know what your partner is thinking about all of this.

And the main reason why this isn’t given a lot of real consideration and attention is because that’s not the way things are supposed to happen; it’s not what they want to experience and other such things that causes a great disturbance in the Force if/when it happens, whether it’s in the heat of the moment or it’s something someone had on their mind and in that moment just said, “Fuck it… I’m gonna do it!” and, perhaps, thinking that it’s better to beg forgiveness – and say, “I don’t know what made me do that!” – than it is to plan ahead for such a thing.

Maybe it comes up… maybe it never does but I’ve learned that the biggest thing that fucks up such arrangements is the one thing no one planned for, allowed for, and didn’t see coming. I’ve seen people discuss it… and dismiss it; they’ve said, “We’ll worry about it if it ever happens!” Sometimes, someone is really thinking about this… but they don’t say anything about it and usually out of fear of some shit getting started but, of course, that’s a mistake, too; since you need to talk about everything and I do mean everything, well, this is part of that everything.

Any thoughts you might have about it. Any experiences you may have had or came close to having. Yeah, you can say that things shouldn’t come to that but at the very least, you both have to seriously and truthfully acknowledge that the possibility exists for shit to happen. Those folks setting up a poly “family” should equally be aware of the potential because even in closed family environments, the more you interact with each other, the more some…. stuff tends to surface.

Maybe it comes up, maybe it doesn’t but if you don’t plan for it and make it a legit part of the conversation, you can either be pleasantly surprised or everything you’ve worked on in this will disintegrate.

Let’s not have that happen, aight? Whether you’re into it or not, plan for it; talk about it and, maybe not expect it to happen but put yourself in a position where, if it does happen or come up, you won’t get surprised by it.

 

Life, Living and Loving: A Royal Pain in the Ass

One of the things that drove me batshit crazy was having to explain why I had “two wives,” one I was legally married to and the other in spirit. If I hadn’t already known how most people look at marriage and relationships, I would have been bitch-slapped and with great, devastating effect over what I’ve heard people say about the way we were handling our relationship.

Most – and not surprisingly – didn’t give a fuck about why things were the way they were; they didn’t care to be bothered with the details, thinking that what we were doing was something that “just happened” instead of accepting that the situation we were in had actually begun many years before and at one specific moment in time.

I got so very sick and tired of the blame for this… ungodliness dropped on my head and being cast in the role of some kind of megalomaniac and one that was really full of himself, you know, like I was God’s gift to women or being such an asshole to have conned two women into being my harem and other such bullshit that would, in the early going, would make me want to bury my foot in their asses up to my knee.

If I hadn’t already known that you can explain something to someone in very great detail and the end result would be that you just spent a whole lot of time pretty much talking to yourself, I would have been beyond exasperated at how dense some people can be, that and how slavishly they hold onto to a relationship concept that, we found, looks good on paper but doesn’t always work the way they say it’s supposed to be.

I got so tired of people telling me what we should have done and I really got tired of the many unmarried people who had a lot to say about it. For the married folks giving me a raft of shit about it, good lord… I got so sick and tired listening to them telling me what they wouldn’t have done – but I’d often get a measure of satisfaction when I throw them a fastball and ask, “Did I ask you what you would do?”

It’s really a royal pain in the ass when you tell the truth about something… and no one believes you. Why in the name of all that’s holy did I decide to do this? Well, I didn’t – I just agreed to it because it made sense. Why isn’t one woman enough for you? Well, who said this was the case? Did you hear the part when I said that doing this wasn’t my idea? Did you not hear me when I said that before I agreed with this, I was throwing out everything I could think of that could go wrong like it was confetti? Did you miss the part where I had said, once the conversation started, “I have a bad feeling about this…?”

Oh, dear lord… the looks we’d get whenever we were out and about. People aren’t stupid in that some can really take a look at something and they just know that they’re looking at something that’s more than three people out shopping or whatever; they can sense that we were more than friends and more than good friends. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I “died” with the looks I’d get from both men and women, married or not. I’d see them looking at me and I could tell what they were thinking.

And while there were times I’d get that “you lucky bastard!” look, yeah, more often than not, I’d suffer death by eyeballs. One day, some strange lady actually stopped me and asked, “Why are you doing this to those poor women?”

Wait, what? I started to tell her to mind her own fucking business but that would be rude even for me so I said, “I’m not doing anything they didn’t want me to do and if you don’t believe me, go ask them; trust me, they will tell you.”

The look on her face was priceless; I could see her mind trying to parse this and I could tell she was having a really hard time trying to take what she believed in and equate it to what she had obviously sensed just by looking at us. She started to give me some shit but I cut her off by saying, “Look, just leave it alone; you can say whatever you want to but I can and will tell you that whatever you say, it’s not going to change anything and if you wanna push it, you’re not going to like how I respond to it. Just leave it alone. We’re doing it and we’re happy. Mind your business.”

Explaining it to our families. Believe it or not, that was actually easier than I thought it would be and, of course, I was the one tasked with explaining it. Lucky me, huh? They all said two things: One was, “I hope you know what you’re doing” and the other was, “As long as y’all are happy.” To the first, fuck no – I had no idea what the fuck we were doing but I was working hard to figure it out and, for the other, yeah – we were happy.

Whatever “bad” thoughts our families may have had were left unsaid, not that it would have changed anything for us; we were committed to doing this crazy-assed thing and to the best of our abilities.

Now, some of the people we knew that either figured it out on their own or we told them, they were cool about it and some of them were… “envious” and said that, wow, they wished they could do something like that. Once it was explained to them, they agreed that it made sense for us to pool our resources in this way… and, at least with the guys who knew, yeah – I was the luckiest motherfucker ever born to be able to sleep with – literally and sexually – two women every night.

I’d be “off on the side” and the women would be talking to other women… and you know what they say about your ears burning? My whole body would be engulfed in flames and sometimes I’d look in their direction and all of them would be looking at me in a way that, well, to say it made me feel uncomfortable didn’t begin to cover it. Let me see if I can explain it: When a bunch of women – including the ones you’re involved with – are looking at you with a predatory kind of look and one that says if they could, you’d get shredded by all of them, yeah – it makes you feel some kind of way and not a good one.

One of the girls’ friends said to my face, “I’d trade places with one of them in a heartbeat.” They smiled… and I had a great urge to be somewhere else. Can you imagine what it feels like to hear the ladies laughing and giggling – while looking at you – and you know what they’re talking about?

I got to a point where I’d be aware of the negativity and I’d just ignore it. Someone would ask, “What the fuck is going on with y’all?” and I’d say, “You really don’t want to know…” because I really did get very tired of explaining it. One person we all knew walked up to me and started to ask, “Are the three of you…?” and I cut them off by saying, “Yes, we are, okay? Just leave it alone or, if you really wanna know, go ask one of them.”

As I said earlier, my biggest issue with this was dealing with the perception that I was the reason why this was happening. One woman gave me the impression that she wanted to kick my ass for having the nerve to put together a harem – who the fuck did I think I was?

And very much unlike me, I laid into her; to say I read her the riot act doesn’t even come close to the scathing response I let loose on her. I didn’t cuss… a whole lot but I did climb in her ass about how fucking stupid and ignorant she was for, one, sticking her nose in our business and, for the other, being so obtuse and close-minded to not accept the truth when I said this wasn’t my idea to begin with – I just agreed that it was the best way to proceed and despite any misgivings I had.

Yeah, I hurt her feelings and badly. Yeah, I felt pretty shitty after the fact but she had it coming because one thing I learned is that friendly persuasion is nice… but nastiness gets better results. She said to me, “I hope you burn in hell!”

And I said, “That’s probably a given so I’m not worried about it…” then walked away and feeling all kinds of very sharp implements stabbing me in the back. And I didn’t give a fuck one way or the other. I’d had enough of this crap and no more Mr. Nice Guy. If you didn’t like what we were doing, fuck you – all you can do is not like it. Don’t believe that things went down the way I said they did? Not my problem and you’d be wise not to try to make it my problem or, as I said to one couple, “Do you really want to go there with me about this? Do you?”

The three of us would often sit down and talk about what others were saying about us; sometimes we’d laugh our asses off and sometimes we’d wonder what part of “We’re doing this because we want to” didn’t they understand? I’d sometimes feel some kind of way because the two of them, more often than not, got more positive feedback than I was getting but, okay, yeah – I’m the bad guy here.

One of my friends asked me, “Do you regret it?” And, honestly, I did… but not really. Was this one of the hardest things I’d ever done and the most insane thing I’ve ever been involved in? You bet your ass it was. How was I managing things? Finely so… and not so much. Guys would say how lucky I was and I’d respond by saying, “Is that what you think?” On the one hand, yes – lucky beyond belief… but if you thought it was a picnic dealing with two women with similar, yet very different personalities and all that, you need a wakeup call.

Okay… the sex. Incredible and complicated as fuck – and that’s being nice about it. No less than twice a day, damned near every day. One guy said, “Dude, they gotta be wearing your ass out!” and I said, “You have no idea – you really don’t.” I knew a lot of guys – in particular – were of a mind that having threesome sex with two women is the holy grail of having sex… but without understanding how incredibly difficult it really is. I got humbled, embarrassed; I’d feel inadequate, ineffective and a few other things I have no words for but I didn’t give up trying to do my best with, to, and for two women who had very different thoughts and feelings about sex as well as differing needs. Sounds like fun? Well, honestly, it really was… and not so much when I’d find myself dealing with the expected complaint that one was getting more than the other.

Having sex with them pushed me to my limits and beyond. I recall getting up for work one morning and looking at myself in the mirror… and to say that I look haggard and rough was being nice. In one week alone, I got pushed to the brink of total exhaustion between having sex with one or both of them every day and night to dealing with their ideas of what having sex with each other had to be and look like. As a part of a song goes, “I had complaints but too few to mention…” and I did get complaints and it was always about doing it more… and more. I’m one guy and, by the way, asking for another guy to join us so I could get some help with them was out of the question.

One guy said to me, “You’re living every man’s dream, you know that, don’t you? A lot of guys would kill to have what you have!”

I said, “If they knew what I know, they’d kill themselves trying to avoid it; this ain’t as easy as it sounds.”

I learned so much and a lot of it wasn’t easy to swallow. Mistakes were made and I made more than my fair share of them, too. But even I had to stop kicking my own ass over the mistakes I made when I had to admit and realize that we were doing something that none of us knew how to do; we were just going with the flow of things and while, in my mind, it was implied that there were going to be potholes along the road, they were such that I don’t think any of us could really imagine.

And while we were working on the internal stuff, there was still the external stuff that was still a royal pain in my ass, like people telling me what marriage is supposed to be and refusing to give any thought to the realization that a marriage – any marriage – is only going to be as good as both people are willing to make it and, as such, the way it’s supposed to be just does not come close to covering the ability and need – when it arises – to do whatever you gotta do to make it the best it can possibly be… and even if it looks the like biggest mistake ever.

The thing is… we did it. For a whole lot of years. For better or worse. Maybe even against all odds. Then three became four and while some things got better, some things were just even more complicated and complex. Things went well… and they didn’t. I’d be asked, “Why would you even try this?” and the only answer I could – and would – give was, “Because it had to be tried and done.”

I remember the night it all went down and I was asked, “What… you saying you’re not up to the challenge? That you can’t handle it?” Oh, it’s game on! Was I up to the challenge? Yes… and not so much which is why, today, I say with great conviction that if I knew then what I know now, yeah – I still would have said, “Okay… let’s see what happens!”

Insanely and given all that I experienced in this, I would do it again because there’s something about being a part of something that is much bigger than yourself and your partner. It’s… belonging. It’s being so far out of the box that you can’t see what the box looks like. It’s about an intimacy that goes beyond sex, to love and be loved in ways that few people can imagine and more so when people still tend to believe that being married can only go one way and monogamously so. I learned that monogamy doesn’t work they way they say it should; I learned that it’s very inhibitive and prohibitive and makes you ask questions like, “How are we supposed to (add something here) when they say you’re not supposed to do it, let alone think it?” What happens when two people look at each other and ask about how and what can they do to make their lives better, richer, fuller, exciting, etc., well, that gets to be a problem because what you might be able to do, the rules prohibit it.

Sigh. The internal issues are what they are and inherent in any relationship; you’re gonna get along fabulously and be at each other’s throats over this, that or the other. You learn to deal with them as best you can but, again and still, the royal pain in my ass was other people and being told that we couldn’t do what we were doing and all that other shit. I’d be asked, “Don’t your vows mean anything to you?”

Of course they did and especially the for better or worse part. When I was sitting down and thinking about, one, what the hell did I just get myself into and, two, how was I gonna make this work, I thought about that part and, not for the first time, asked myself why “worse” has to be worse when it’s implied that you’re supposed to do all you can do for your partner? If ya had more better than worse, well, what difference does it make when it comes to the form that “better” winds up taking?

And this kind of stuff is what really had me sitting up at night and wondering what was wrong with everyone else that they couldn’t see that being married, despite what the vows say or not, means doing everything humanly possible to stay together and, yeah, even unto death does us part if that’s the way it goes down. Why was it automatically assumed that I was the bad guy in this since, “duh,” this just had to be my idea and I coerced everyone else into doing it?

And I’d sigh and try to put it in the back of my mind, knowing full well that when the sun rose in the morning – and if it hadn’t already – there would be more of the same shit being tossed our way about doing that which should never be done. Another day of me rolling my eyes to hear someone telling me that they’d rather get divorced than to do some shit like that and even if it meant throwing away a good relationship. Another day of my patience and tolerance being tested by people insisting that I didn’t know what I was doing, how selfish I was, conceited, arrogant and other shit – and shit coming from people who may have known of me… but didn’t know shit about me… or the women who were a part of my life.

Best thing I’ve ever done… and the most insane thing. I loved it. Hated it. It was as much uplifting as it could be depressing at times and, yeah, there were many a day where I wanted to say, “Fuck it – we’re not doing this anymore!” But it was personal and, yeah, a bit of ego because for me to say that meant that I couldn’t handle it, that I wasn’t equal to the challenge presented. I can admit when I can’t do something… but this? This I could do… if I could figure out the optimal way to do it. The good part? I did figure it out. We did make it work for well over twenty years, for better or worse, in sickness and in health until we couldn’t make it work.

Such is life and this experience taught me some shit about life that, perhaps, I wouldn’t have been aware of had I not experienced it. Life really is way too short and short enough that saying, “Fuck the rules!” is better than being at the end of your life and thinking about what might have been or regretting not doing something when you had the chance to do it. It taught me that if/when you love someone, nothing is impossible and everything is negotiable and, really, if you’re not gonna do everything that’s humanly possible to make your relationship the best it can possibly be, what the hell are you doing? Why are you not thinking like this and more so when, at some point, you realize the relationship needs help and more help than the two of you can bring to bear?

Because you’re not supposed to. Ever. For no reason and even if your very survival depends on doing something so out of the box it’s said to be impossible. It reinforced what “being in love” really meant and what it means to be committed – not to the institution but to the person you married and the one you promised to do everything in your power for up to and including trading your life for theirs.

Makes what we did look easy… and it wasn’t. You think just being married is hard? It isn’t… being more than married is. It’s the ultimate relationship, hands down which, oddly enough, a lot of people are “just now” beginning to realize and try their hand at. Works for some and, sadly, is a disaster for others and I think the biggest thing I learned from this is not what you do: It’s how you go about doing it. It’s the thing that I will forever say that you have to be grown up enough and be able to unlearn every damned thing you thought you knew about love, sex, and relationships so you can learn a whole new way of doing it.

And even if you can, one thing remains true: Your relationship is only going to be as good as you, collectively, can make it. Others are going to talk shit to you about it, either behind your back to your face; they’re gonna tell you how wrong you are, how fucked up you are and, yeah, y’all must be out of your ever-loving minds. And you keep your own counsel every step of the way and learn not to let the negative shit you will surely encounter bother you and yours.

Stay the course. Live and love together for as long as you can and the best way you can. Why? Life’s too short and tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone.

 

Life, Living and Loving: Two Questions

When folks who knew us figured out what we were doing, there were two questions I’d get asked that weren’t easy to answer. The first was, “Why would you do this?” and the other is, “How can I/we do this?”

Explaining why we threw the rule book out wasn’t easy to explain. Sure, I could go through the chain of events from beginning to that particular moment and it would either make sense to some or leave others asking, “Okay, but why?”

Wait… didn’t I just spend all,this time explaining it to you and you can’t see why? Sheesh…

Worse were those folks who, after hearing whatever explanation version – long or as short as I could make it – would launch into a discussion of what they wouldn’t have done and why they wouldn’t have and their man/woman better not even think about bringing up some shit like that or (add a bunch of threats and other actions here).

Um, what part of this is what we decided to do didn’t you understand? Ya know, just because you think something shouldn’t be done doesn’t mean it can’t or shouldn’t be done.

I disliked being preached to and having people unnecessarily tell me what marriage is supposed to be and like I didn’t know it already. I had a decision to make and, yes, I did think about it a lot more than you think I did and I made the best decision given the situation and other conditions.

It’s not my fault if you’re not capable of that level of thought and you believe that throwing away a loving relationship is the best and only solution.

I got to the point where, admittedly, I’d do that husband thing and look like I’m paying attention when I really wasn’t. Probably me being rude but after a while, you get tired of explaining something and being told that there’s some shit I didn’t understand or my mother didn’t raise me right – and, yeah, someone actually said that.

And regretted it – don’t you ever talk about my mother like that.

So the naysayers got kinda/sorta ignored; the decision was made and it wasn’t going to get changed or revoked just because of that which you don’t believe in, okay? No? That’s your problem, not mine.

The other question. Very difficult to answer since there is no definitive way to do this; what works for one couple might not work for another. How do y’all do it? I really couldn’t tell those who asked without getting all into the dynamics of their relationship and, even so, I could think about how I’d do it if I were them… but I’m not.

That and there are too many variables and unknowns but, sure, I’d listen to what they had in mind and paying close attention to what was said, how it was said, and reading body language and maybe I’d wind up saying, “Well, maybe y’all shouldn’t try it until (add a bunch of reasons why they shouldn’t) but once you get this squared away between yourselves, yeah, it might work – or not.”

“What rules do we need?” You’re asking me like I know! I know what rules we needed and, I’ll say, we were “smart enough” to know that the rules might be subject to change and more so when there was no telling how we, as individuals, might change along the way or what we might run into that would require a change or two.

I could tell those interested what our rules were but that’s us; you’re gonna have to come up with your own rules but I’d suggest that they contain stuff like take care of home first, don’t bring anything home that you can’t deal with or otherwise accept the responsibility for and, most important, talk about everything and as openly as possible and in detail – nothing in this should be deemed as unimportant.

And finally – as well as ideally – whatever you decide to do should be about “us” and not just “me.” Oh, and good luck.

I’ve seen couples be successful… and I’ve seen them fail and for various reasons. Over the years, I’ve seen a lot of stuff out there about how to be open/poly/whatever and I really can’t say whether it’s good or bad stuff since this dynamic comes in many, many different flavors and, end of day stuff, it’s really about what a couple – together and individually – wants from this and with th sure knowledge that changes – or the need to,change something – is going to show up and has to be dealt with in some way.

“How do we pick people to be with us?” I dunno – what do you think? Got anyone in mind and have you talked about how you’re going to approach them and what might happen if your proposal is rejected? Today, there are websites for those looking to be poly with lots of like minded people but when we did this, those sites didn’t exist and, indeed, the World Wide Web was still in its infancy.

This situation got to a point where I’d tell hopeful couples, “Look – there are some things you gotta do like forgetting everything you’ve learned about being in a relationship so you can learn a whole new way of having one. You have to sit down and literally talk about everything and some of what you may hear isn’t going to be pleasant, if you’re being totally honest with each other – and I strongly recommend that you be 100% honest. You will or may discover that you’re not as grown-up as you think you are and, if so, don’t even try to go there.”

Can it be done? Yes. Should it be done? Well, that depends on y’all, doesn’t it? If after you’ve talked each other to death and find that you can’t, then don’t – but if you both believe you can make it work, well, give it a shot but remember this: It’s not going to run all by itself and you’re probably going to find yourself doing a lot more work to keep whatever you come up with working, alive, and well.

I identified these verifiable things: Communication, problem and conflict resolution, and time management. I’ve told folks, “If you don’t have these skills, learn them because you’re gonna need them – and get really good at them.”

Another key thing I learned: Dealing with negative emotions like jealousy,me by, possessiveness, selfishness, etc.; if you can, get rid of them because if any of these things show up, you’re gonna need those problem and conflict resolutions skills I mentioned. An example, if I may?

I talked with a couple who were interested in having an extended family and their plan sounded good at first until one of them said something that made me ask, “How do you think you’d feel knowing that your partner is being made love to? How’d you feel seeing it, seeing how they’re reacting to it and maybe in ways that they don’t react with you?”

Well, it seems they didn’t think about that in this context or maybe thought it was a no-brainer or whatever. What I know is that my questions changed the whole time of the conversation just by the looks on their faces and I said, “Yeah… that might be a problem, huh? Listen, I know that it sounds good on paper – you think you can handle it but I’m telling you that when you see it or otherwise know about it for the first time, wow – that can be a very major shock to the system and I’ll go as far as to say that this is normal… but it’s a reaction that you gotta get a grip on and under some kind of control because if you don’t, it will become a bigger problem. Even if you don’t witness it first hand, just them telling you – and honestly with every juicy detail – can invoke those negative feelings and that’s provided they don’t sugar coat any of it because they know ya might get totally bent out of shape.”

Some folks believed me and took this into consideration – and some didn’t… and you can probably guess about the results that were anything but nice and pretty.

It’s a lot of work just talking about it and it is a really complex thing to consider that includes thinking about stuff that may or may not even show up or happen days or even years down the road – it’s a lot to think about and that’s the level of thinking one person has to do and the other person has to do – then both of the come together and decide how “we” can do this crazy-ass thing as well as the individual stuff – W5H stuff.

For some, this is “easy…” but for some it’s anything but easy. If you don’t have a comprehensive plan in mind and in place, wow, just saying, “Let’s try it and see what happens!” might not work but, yeah, sometimes it does.

Some people just get lucky like that.

And, lest I forget the most difficult part, let me say it here: You still have to convince your partner that this is gonna be a good thing to do and that you both can benefit from stepping way out of the normal relationship box. You’re trying to convince someone who believes that relationships are supposed to be the way everyone says they’re supposed to be and there are those marriage vows to be considered… and now you’re asking them to think about – and agree to – something that’s not supposed to be done for any reason and, yeah, even if doing so will keep the relationship from going down the drain… but doing it might have the same result; it could be the best thing two people can do for themselves and each other or their worst nightmare made real.

And you don’t have to be married to face this situation since we treat unmarried relationships like it’s a marriage – same rules minus the need for lawyers.

Does that sound like something you’d be interested in? Do you think you could convince your partner? And as you can see, those two questions can generate more questions or put you in a position to answer some questions you’re probably not gonna want to answer – or you’re just gonna get sick and tired of answering them.

One other question I was asked: “What do your families think about this?” The answer? They thought we were crazy, to sum it up in one word.

 

Life, Living and Loving: Non-monogamy

The older I get, the less sense being monogamous makes. I’ve been of a mind that I kinda/sorta understand why the rules insist that everyone be monogamous and everything I’ve looked into keeps pointing back to making babies and being able to control how that’s done – think of it as highly selective breeding.

We get this pounded into our heads via social programming and how it’s the worst thing in the world to, say, have a girlfriend and wanting to have more than one girlfriend; guys and gals who, while single, date several people “at the same time” are not looked at kindly and get told to pick one person and stick with them and if it doesn’t work out, go pick one person to try to make it work.

The push to be monogamous is so insidious that people who aren’t married but having a relationship are held to the same standards of behavior that married folks are; keep only unto yourselves, let no one put asunder and all that happy crappy. And we believe it; we live by it; and we get our heads all fucked up thinking and worrying about being cheated on and to the point where we get paranoid about it and, indeed, just assume that the person we’re with is, at some point, going to cheat on us… and we’re thinking that before we even agree to be with that person and in whatever way that’s gonna be.

We’re told how to be in love, i.e., only love one person at a time. Many people believe that once they fall in love, that’s it for them – it’ll never happen again, well, unless they become single again. We approach any relationship with the mindset that once we’re with that person, they are always going to be everything we will ever need for the duration of the relationship, well, right up to the moment when we find out that we can’t be, they can’t be, and that shit just doesn’t always and consistently work the way they say it’s supposed to.

So people cheat. They break up. They get all fucked up in the head about it and start asking why, what did they do to deserve this – I’m sure y’all know what I’m talking about here. I’ve seen women get cheated on and going forward, retreat into a shell and close themselves off or, if they get into another relationship, they’re highly paranoid about being cheated on again. I’ve seen men act some kind of way when they get cheated on and, yeah, sadly, violently so depending on the guy. Some guys “swear off” of women and some just say they ain’t ever gonna be in another relationship because you can’t be cheated on if you’re not in a relationship.

The thing is that before this was put into play, humans weren’t monogamous; just to be able to survive, doing it “as a group” was the best way to ensure survival and, yeah, that meant a lot of interaction of the carnal kind in the group until, as I’ve read, humans became more agrarious, taking a mate and kinda/sorta moving away from the crowd to farm, hunt, have babies and, oh, yeah, obey the religious mandate to do things like this or else.

But the very, very dead people who decided, for whatever reason, that everyone has to be monogamous probably thought that by mandating this and trying to enforce it would stop humans from being human and not want anything or anyone other than the person they chose to be with.

They were wrong, by the way – humans do not really work like that and there are many experts today who have discovered and are saying that being monogamous is an unnatural state for humans to be in, you know, given how much of a social animal humans are…

That and people change even though, when in a relationship, you’re made to become static and if you can’t stay static, well, pack your shit and leave before you get tossed out on your ass. Oh, there’s some interesting natural history shit behind this and in the area of sperm being plentiful… but eggs aren’t and if you understand what this means, you also understand why women are the way they are about giving up the booty although, today, it’s more of a knee-jerk reaction that’s been programmed in over our evolution and reinforced by young girls being told to only have sex with a man who is going to be devoted only to her, can provide for her, and loves her… and having sex without this very serious commitment is a very bad thing and, “really,” for anyone, male or female.

Somewhere in the 1950s, wife-swapping surfaced. Some things I’ve read say that this began with military personnel and their families and having been in the military, yeah, I can see why this might be true. It became more… prominent in suburbia and for reasons I don’t pretend to understand but it is what it was and all that – who doesn’t know about the movie, “Bob, Carol, Ted & Alice?” The practice of wife-swapping was seen to be so heinous that it eventually went underground – on the DL – and, I’m guess, found its way out of suburbia and spread almost everywhere.

Even I heard a lot of people saying that this shit didn’t make sense, that it was immoral, and in direct violation of marriage vows… even if you weren’t legally married and included those areas where common law marriages were allowed and recognized. It was unholy behavior that would result, if not called to a halt, in a very long vacation in a very, very hot place.

People today are still of a mind that there is no good reason for a couple to not be monogamous and because the rules say this is the only way to be given that fornication – that’s sex without being married – is a bona fide sin. What wasn’t – and isn’t – taken into consideration is that people do change; they find that they can be happy in a relationship and, oh, shit – someone will catch their eye, the chemistry that most people don’t really understand kicks in and they want to explore it… but they can’t… and while some people can shake this off, some people just can’t.

Relationships start out in a whirlwind of things; heady, spontaneous, mad crazy sex along with other expressions of deep love and affection and we believe that it’s always gonna be like that right up until “the honeymoon” is over. And how many people have been in a relationship and have found themselves asking, “How can we spice things up and recapture the heat and passion of when we met?”

Oh, the shit gets even deeper. We get so wrapped up in handling the business of being in a relationship that we can get tunnel vision – focused on only what’s in front of us – that we “forget” there are things we should be doing with each other, oh, like having sex and otherwise being emotionally intimate with each other. A lot of shit tends to form that even in the best of relationships, what they have isn’t really enough for them, although they may not be of a mind to say anything about it.

And, yeah, we do go about having relationships with a mindset that once it’s on its feet and running, it’s just gonna take care of itself and, again, the person we’re with should never, ever want anything or anyone other than that which we can provide them…

You know… if we’re in a mind to provide it. This mindset is so bad that I’ve seen and heard couples argue fiercely because the woman in the relationship wants to better herself – go to school, get a job, stuff like that, only to be shut down by the man who believes there’s no need for her to want or even think about such things – that bullshit about a woman’s place is in the home, barefoot and pregnant.

We assume, again, that once we fall in love or, um, have carnal desires for someone, it cannot happen again… and it does. Men and women find reason to stop having sex with each other even though the need to have sex is still there or, bluntly and as I have, myself, asked the woman I was in a relationship with, “If you’re not gonna fuck me, who’s supposed to?”

And the answer is forever and ever: “No one.”

Some people accept being made celibate… and some people ain’t trying to hear any of that… and infidelity is introduced. It’s not just the sex, although that’s a huge part of this dynamic – it’s the emotional succor that winds up missing as well. You love the person you’re with and you’re reasonably sure they still love you… and not showing or saying it. Have you ever gone to hug your partner and you feel their body stiffen up at first before relaxing… or remain stiff? If you, you’re seeing a bit of what I’m talking about.

How many people have asked their partner, “Why don’t you tell me that you love me?” Sure… the love is “implied” and once it’s there, uh, why keep talking about it; you know I love you, baby – don’t you? As such, we wind up getting emotionally disconnected from each other and then, one day, we run into someone we get emotionally connected to. Not love in that sense but it’s a void that’s being filled, for lack of a better phrase. We need those we are with to give a shit about us and when they don’t, that need doesn’t go away and, inevitably, either someone is going to come along and give it to us or we will remain “stuck” with someone who has, for various reasons (and some legitimate) become emotionally unavailable.

We do, in fact, run across people we’re just attracted to… when, by rule, we’re not supposed to be. It could be a sexual attraction or not so much but the fact remains that the attraction is felt and it’s both exciting and disturbing all at the same time. I’ve heard people say, “I shouldn’t feel the way I do about you!” and while that sentiment doesn’t mean any infidelity is gonna happen, it does make people wonder why the person they’re with isn’t doing such a good job of making them feel this way… and when it’s their “sworn duty” to do this 24/7 and without fail.

Yeah… people just don’t really work like that, do they?

Cheating. We worry about it. Have great angst about it. We ask why people do this heinous thing and I think I know the answer: When someone’s needs are not being met or otherwise ignored, well, something has to be done about it. Ideally and by rule, you’re supposed to go to the person you’re with to have those needs addressed and taken care of and if they do, fine… but if they don’t, well, that’s a problem.

“If you don’t take care of your man/woman, someone else can and will.” It’s a truism that we all are aware of – and if you weren’t, now you know – and knowing this scares the shit out of us. Some of us say and mean with great purpose that if you don’t like the way you’re being taken care of – or not, in this case – leave and go find someone who wants to be bothered with you – I ain’t got time to be holding your hand or whatever and you damned sure better not do that while we’re still together!

And some people do just that and by doing so, accepting the risks of loss and other nasty shit like violence or the involvement of lawyers. And you gotta wonder if this makes any sense to put each other in a position where some infidelity just might happen. How do you prevent cheating?

By removing the reasons and conditions under which will foster it. But we’re only human – we can only do so much to, with, and for each other. Most of us are aware that we’re doing shit – or not doing shit – that just might make the person we’re with cheat on us… and we dismiss it and say shit like, “They’d better not even think about cheating on me!” but they’re very unwilling to do anything to prevent it and, again, if you don’t like it, get the fuck out.

And, sometimes, that’s the thing that has to be done because once a person decides to stop doing those things that keeps a relationship alive, you’re never gonna change their minds about it and, really, if you decide to leave the relationship – or are told to leave – they’re of a mind to tell you to not let the doorknob hit you in the ass on the way out.

But sometimes leaving the relationship isn’t the thing that has to happen. There is still love in some form and, usually, financially it’s just not a viable option and, indeed, the relationship, as a whole, works well… except for some shit that’s missing, being ignored, whatever.

This is the part of this really long scribble where I usually ask, “What if you could get what you want and still keep what you already have? Would that be something you’d be interested in?”

Wanna guess what most people would say? Then, for extra credit, do you wanna guess why they’d answer in what I’d call a predictable manner – that would be “no fucking way!” if you were wondering.

What a lot of people are learning is that monogamy sucks. It has its good points and a whole lot of bad ones. And – gasp – some couples (in particular) decide that the rules of monogamy just ain’t helping them as a couple and definitely doing nothing for them as individuals. Cheating? Eh, no one wants to do that… and now I’m talking about having your cake and eating it and a whole lot of it, too. You can defeat infidelity by eliminating it from the relationship and, wisely, under controlled conditions because, um, there’s no getting away from the need to have rules.

Do you know why people don’t do this or fail at it? Because we don’t know how to do it although we do know how to love more than one person at a time – we were taught to do this as we were growing up, believe it or not and more so if you had siblings as well as other family members. No, I’m not talking about the “I” word – just that we’re taught to have positive feelings for those who are around us – then told to narrow that down to one person because the rules demand this.

And we abide by it even when everything we are is screaming at us that this ain’t working as advertised. True enough, some people resort to cheating because, to them, it’s the only way.

But it isn’t… and many people are finding this out and, yeah, I found out a long time ago that monogamy ain’t all that and that more often than not, it creates more problems than it has to the ability to solve and the solution is, oddly, to be monogamous… and not so much and, in this, very ideally and I think very necessary, if it’s good for the goose, it’s good for the gander… provided you can convince them that staying together – but not really being monogamous, is not only a good thing for them but a good thing for “us.”

Hmm… how many of you are reading this and thinking this is a bunch of bullshit? How many of you are reading this and saying, “Yeah, but…” and are thinking of all the reason why something like this shouldn’t happen and there’s no reason for it to happen? And, as I tend to do when I scribble about this, ask yourself why you’re thinking like this and, more extra credit, I’ll even point out to you that if you’re thinking this is bullshit or otherwise impossible and undoable, um, perhaps you don’t realize or are aware that these thoughts aren’t really your own.

They were given to you and you are actually believing something that isn’t as true as you were told it is. You don’t have to believe me and I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t because, once upon a time, I believed the same thing you did about this… and I found out that I was sadly mistaken about that which I believed in. I’m not saying it’s outright wrong – it’s just not as correct as we’ve been told.

There are those of you reading this who will say, “I’d never do some shit like that!” as well as, “I don’t believe in that shit!” and that’s all well and good; you are more likely to dispose of someone – and, perhaps, someone you shouldn’t let get away from you – than to give a single thought of stepping out of the box our social morality has put us into to not only keep them but to keep growing as in individual.

Just ask yourself why you don’t believe in such a thing then consider the source of your belief and maybe, just maybe, all this shit I’ve been writing will start to make sense. Now, not being 100% monogamous does have its bad points because we don’t know how not to be 100% monogamous but, yeah, people are smart and adaptable and do figure it out how to make this immoral thing work for them.

It’s not for everyone and I’ll even admit there were times once monogamy packed its bags and left that I wished we’d never agreed to not be monogamous… but it was less problematic than being cheated on and otherwise deceived. The hardest thing for me? Admitting that I really wasn’t and couldn’t be all that she wanted and needed and lemme tell you that saying that it hurt doesn’t even begin to cover how I felt to find this out. But, logically, “getting rid” of her was out of the question and beating her to a pulp was even more out of the question and I found myself saying the equivalent of, “If you can do it, I can do it, too.”

Because nothing else made sense. And it worked… and sometimes didn’t. It was the best thing I’ve ever done and the worst thing. The most sensible thing… and the craziest thing ever. Yet and still, I learned a lot about myself and my wife and things that, had infidelity hadn’t come to pay us a visit, I would have never learned and I sure wouldn’t have seen the flaws in the tenets of monogamy. It’s idealistic at best but in application, it just does not always work the way it’s supposed to – it’s how some long dead people decided we needed to behave… and not so much how we can behave if left to our own devices, oh, like having a partner and having other partners join in the fun – and headaches – right along with us, from just getting laid because that’s what works for the moment to the establishment of an extended family that employs some parts of monogamy while throwing away most of it.

So that we can be happy, not only with ourselves but with the person we’re with. We avoid this like the plague; we assume that suffer loss is a better option. Hell, some people get into this and still fret over loss or behave as if it’s not ever supposed to happen but the fact is nothing is forever.

Nothing. The moment you decide to join with someone else, the loss is implied – the risk is very real and we do go out of our way to prevent it… and not so much. We do, indeed, throw up shields around ourselves and do shit – or don’t do shit – that we think is going to keep that other person by our side until death do us part. Experience does shit to us that makes us say, “I love you – but I don’t love you that much…” or we decide that there are things we will not and cannot do “simply” for the sake of love.

And as such, many of us are in miserable relationships or not in a relationship at all… and all because we believe in something that isn’t as true as purported to be and just as we believe that those rules we’re held to are inviolate and can’t be changed.

But don’t we also hold true that rules are made to be broken and breaking them ain’t always a bad thing? What… allowing your spouse to have a lover is dishonorable on their part for wanting one in the first place? Well, aren’t you being just as dishonorable when you refuse to give them that which they need, that your vow of “for better or worse” has gone by the wayside and because of that which you don’t believe in? Haven’t you lied like a rug when you’ve told someone you love, “I’d do anything for you because I love you…” and then there’s some shit you won’t do and love for them be damned?

Do we not put conditions on love when love, in and of itself, is unconditional? Okay… I’m not gonna go rob a bank or kill someone because that’ll make my lady really happy but if she wanted something I couldn’t provide for her and someone else could, well, hmm, why not make it possible for her to have it… even if it means I might wind up losing her? If we take this from being about “me” to being about “us,” might that work toward keeping us together despite what we may or may not be doing individually and, wait – isn’t it possible that we can even do that together?

It is possible. We just don’t believe that it is because we’re not supposed to believe it. Ever been cheated on? Ask yourself – truthfully – how and why it happened and even if you are fairly sure that you did nothing to allow infidelity to come visit. Ever ask yourself what you could have done – or what your ex-partner could have – should have – done to keep cheating from knocking on the door and ruining everything?

And do you know, understand, or even think that the one thing you’ve been told never to do for any reason could have kept the two of you together, you know. How do you prevent cheating? Remove the reasons why it can happen. We believe that it’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission because it’s assumed that we can never get permission so we don’t ask – because the answer is usually, “You’re out of your fucking mind!”

But what if giving each other permission is the thing that will keep you together? What if being able to share this with each other will result in the two of you loving and appreciating each other more?

Would that be something you might be interested in? Here’s the sad part: Most of us wouldn’t be and I think you know know why… but does it really make sense?

People are learning quickly and “in droves” that it really doesn’t. Your relationship is only going to be as good as you are willing to make it so what are you willing to do to make and keep it as good as it can be?

Not much, as it turns out.

 

Life, Living and Loving: The Rant

I see people having all kinds of relationship woes; I see people who can’t have one or can’t keep one going for any appreciable amount of time because of infidelity. I see people totally disheartened because a good relationship is starting to circle the drain and nothing they can do will stop it.

I see people in decent relationships looking for that fiery spice that they hope will recapture the intense heat experienced in the early days of their relationships; I see relationships get shattered because someone discovers bisexuality – or reveals it in that time-honored aspect of being open and honest with their partner. I see people who have… desires, wants, and needs that are ignored and disallowed…

And all because we’re stuck in place when it comes to relationships, living by a set of rules that a lot of people get around to understanding don’t work the way they’ve been told they do – and have to. They experience it, have their relationships trashed and/or irreparably broken and instead of being together and enjoying their lives to the fullest extent possible, they wind up just being two people who just live together. Maybe they get around to talking – or arguing – about the sorry state of their relationship, pointing the finger at each other and assigning blame… but not laying any blame for their situation on the rules they’ve been told to live by and no matter the cost and those rules say that if you can’t live by those rules, throw the relationship away and start over.

Why do people cheat? The answer is a lot simpler than you might think, e.g., any time someone’s needs aren’t being taken care of, denied or ignored, cheating can happen. It doesn’t always happen; some people are “happy” to keep being miserable, unfulfilled, etc., because the rules say that there’s nothing you can do about it other than to, again, pack your shit and get in the wind.

Those rules are so pervasive in our existence that you don’t have to be legally married to someone to be bound by these rules and rules, by the way, that are often open to interpretation and/or taken out of context; one person has their own idea of what these rules mean and even when you try to give them some different insight about them, you get into one of my now-famous “Yeah, but…” moments because we tend to stick with what we believe over what the reality of a situation is.

It’s not supposed to be; this is the way it’s always been done; I don’t believe in this, that, or the other; you know that others are twisting, bending, and even breaking these rules and you’re content to say that maybe, just maybe, this makes sense to the people involved to you, it never will and you don’t care if your relationship winds up committing suicide as long as your beliefs are intact.

And you gotta ask yourself if this really makes sense in the year of our Lord 2019. Maybe you have asked yourself if it makes sense; maybe you’ve determined that it doesn’t make sense. Maybe you start to realize that you’ve been trying to do things by a set of rules created by a bunch of very dead people who couldn’t envision what the future would be like… but maybe they could in a way because those rules also carry some dire consequences for breaking them so those rules, supposedly handed down by God, are enforced with fear; break them and die a horrible death… then burn in hell or purgatory for the rest of eternity.

And centuries after all this got laid down, we still believe this or, sometimes, if we don’t really believe it, we err on the side of caution – let’s not tempt fate just in case that burning in hell thing is for real. In the process, we get into relationships and, at some point, just fuck them up or let them get fucked up… because the rules are what they are and we believe what we believe…

And many of us sit around wondering why we’re not as happy as the fairy tale – something else we believe and take on faith – says we should be. We don’t always stop and think about the fact that any relationship we may find ourselves in is only going to be as good as we can make it… and we are strangely opposed to this even though it is implied and even sworn to that we are bound by honor and duty to make our relationships as good as they can be… except, we all have different ideas on what that’s supposed to mean as well as we pay much more attention to those things we’re not ever going to do, whether based upon prior experiences or their beliefs supposedly cannot ever allow them to do.

If you’re not as happy in your relationship – and if you even have one – then that’s your problem and one that only had one approved resolution. The United States of America has, for the longest time, led the world in the number of divorces and if you live here, that should tell you something and it should disturb you, oh, like, this is gonna be your fate when you keep playing the game by a set of rules that aren’t as applicable as they were when they were created.

Here’s the thing: A lot of us know these rules suck donkey dick; we know that what probably worked in those BC days of our history don’t work that well today. Yes, some people make them work… but at what cost to them? That “happily ever after” shit is just that… because the onus for this is solely on the shoulders of those who dare to relate in this fashion and instead of doing whatever they have to do to create their own happily ever after situation, they’d rather keep believing how this fairy tale is supposed to be… then find themselves all by themselves and wondering what the fuck went wrong.

What went wrong is that you were following and believing a set of archaic, outdated rules that, today, only serve to set you up to fail… or making you so miserable it ain’t even funny.

Even when some of us figure this out, there’s another problem: It’s not hard to figure out what to do… but we don’t know how to do it. Some people get lucky; they take the rulebook and toss it in the trash and make up a new set of rules and that’s works… except, they never really get rid of that damned rulebook or their belief in that rulebook.

I sometimes sit here and read how some folks got smart and got rid of the rulebook; they realized that it’s up to them – and not that stupid fairy tale – to make and keep each other happy and sometimes they fail catastrophically because, in my opinion – and maybe in others – they forget that this relationship thing, even when it gets changes, is still about both of them. You’ve allowed each other to look for and get both sexual and emotional succor from others? Great! Wait… one person is having more fun in this than the other? Oh, hell, no – that’s not supposed to happen!

And another promising relationship gets ripped to shreds and discarded because of selfishness, jealousy, envy and other such negative emotions that do, in fact, have their roots in the rulebook that was previously discarded. I say time and time again that if a couple is going to be smart enough to reshape the rules in their favor, thinking “me” and not “us” ain’t gonna cut it. Yes… it can be good for the individual but the goodness should never stop there since, um, what’s usually good for the individual can be good for the relationship; think “happy wife, happy life” and perhaps you’ll have an idea of what I’m talking – er, ranting about.

They say it can’t be done. They say it shouldn’t be done. They say that if you do it, disaster awaits you as well as going to hell wearing kerosene drawers, you sinful heathens. All in denial of the fact that it can be done and, in many cases, should be done and disaster is only going to show its ugly face if the people involved don’t do some very serious work to make sure that disaster never shows up.

Why is your man/woman cheating on you or thinking about it? Because they need something that either you can’t provide for them… or you just won’t provide it and they’re not of a mind to sacrifice their sanity on the alter of those stupid rules that don’t always ensure anyone’s happiness.

Where did the fire go in your relationship? Complacency, for the most part. Who among us have never had that, “What can we do to spice things up?” conversation? Maybe we’ve tried to spice things up within the confines of the rules and, at best, the added spice is temporary before complacency sets back in. Maybe a bit of rule bending is offered for consideration? Oh, no… we can’t do that… can we? We’re not supposed to and this is one of those crazy moments when rewriting the rules actually makes sense… but we’re afraid to do it. We fear loss; we fear retribution; we fear being shunned by our peers and, yes, we even fear for our immortal souls for breaking the faith and the rules…

And millions of couple languish and wallow in depressive states; good relationships are allowed to suffer an early death and all because we keep playing by rules that continues to prove that they just do not work. We’d rather let an amazing love go to shit because of these rules and, again and again, I gotta ask if allowing that to happen really and truly makes any sense.

Honor, you say? You promised or swore before God and company to stick by the rules no matter what? Let no one put asunder… even if you’re not married? Keep only unto yourself and for better or worse? What can be worse than two people in a relationship and they feel they are powerless to take their lives and fates into their own hands and, uh, fuck the rules?

When are we going to learn that the people who set the rules up are a long time dead… and the people who are charged with enforcing them don’t give a shit about you and your partner – all they care about is the rules and, yeah, the control they have over everyone who’s been made to believe the rules and, oh, yeah, might I be allowed to point out to you that some of those who enforce the rules don’t, themselves, play by them?

The minister who stands in the pulpit every Sunday preaching about the wages of sin… but wasn’t he seen last night at the club with a woman… and it wasn’t his wife? Ministers of faith all over the world who preach fire and brimstone against the sin of homosexuality… but, when no one is looking, they’re committing the same sin they’ve promised you’re gonna die and to to hell for. Governments that are sworn to uphold the laws of the land and to the letter of those laws… while breaking every last one of them because it suits their needs and purposes to do so… while standing ready to hand your head to you if you were to do as they do.

Rules are made to be broken, a sentiment we live by because it’s true… except when it comes to preserving or reestablishing a happy environment in our relationships. We won’t bat an eye if we’re doing 75 in a 65 zone even though we’ll have an eye out for the cops… but we’ll let our man/woman suffer great depression, allow them to feel empty and worthless and without purpose when it’s within our power to not allow this to happen to them. We even turn into a bunch of hypocrites when we tell our partner that we love them and would do anything for them to make and keep them happy… but we won’t do anything that could ensure this and, really, not make us a liar of sorts.

I see all of this shit. I know about it. Been there. Experienced it. And I keep asking myself why do we keep doing this shit to each other when, most of the time, we know we shouldn’t. How many of us have been out and about, going about our business and minding it… and then you see someone who really gets your attention, maybe gets your blood to start simmering and piquing your curiosity… and you banish the thought because those fucking rules say that it’s what you’re supposed to do… and while you do banish it, you might even wonder why you should?

Because it’s the way you feel, even in that moment. How many of us have gotten close to a person… and going out of our way not to get too close to them… and it doesn’t feel right and then you start thinking about all the trouble you could get into because you were “too close” to them?

It’s because those fucking rules imply that you’re not ever supposed to think, feel, or do anything when you’re feeling something for someone else and, yeah, this gets so fucked up in practice that we will alienate our friends and family – or be made to – and because of what the rules say about not letting anyone put asunder. How about the gazillion of bisexuals in the world and in a relationship… and completely unable to do a damned thing about the way they’re feeling about both men and women? If “Sarah” would be the happiest wife/girlfriend in the world if she could have a girlfriend, someone she could confide in and, yes, someone she could have sex with, why does her man go out of his way to deny her this and thinking that the solution to her “problem” is to throw more dick at her or, worse, start mentally and physically abusing her and all because of some shit he doesn’t believe in?

And we allow this shit to happen… when it’s in our power to not allow it to happen. Why? Why do we continue to believe that we have the right to make someone else a miserable wretch when, supposedly, we’re not supposed to do that?

Read this rant and you’ll see why. Maybe you agree with it, maybe you don’t… and if you don’t, ask yourself why you don’t and you might see that you’re not alone in your assessment that you don’t believe in shit like this… and that maybe you need to rethink some shit and more so if you’re stuck in a relationship that isn’t going well or a relationship that got trashed because no one in the relationship was willing to do whatever had to be done to preserve it and keep it alive.

Go ahead. Ask yourself why you don’t believe that you should rewrite the rules so that you and the person you allegedly love can be happy together and be of sound mind and body. People do it and they succeed at it; ask Jennifer, who has been patiently waiting for this rant. Ask any of the bloggers on this site who have taken the rulebook and tossed it – and created their own rules and rules that will do more to ensure that their needs – and the needs of their partner – can be addressed and taken care of… and just like it should be done… and in way that the fucking rules don’t allow you to.

Thus endeth the rant. Agree or don’t. Change your life and relationship if you can or let it die and when, chances are, it doesn’t need to suffer an early death.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Bisexuality and Alternative Relationships

One of the things about being bisexual is becoming aware of how things can be and as opposed to how they are and a lot of bisexuals almost instantly find out that being in a relationship is a huge problem but one that can be solved by instituting an alternative relationship – being open, swinging, poly, whatever works to serve the purpose to allow sexual expression.

We’re worried about infidelity coming along and wrecking things and I maintain that infidelity can be a non-issue if we were of a mind to remove the conditions under which infidelity can happen… and that means changing what being in a relationship means and I’m not talking about what we already think they should mean.

Yes, some bisexuals cheat because they have to; it’s the only way they’re going to be able to indulge themselves like this since getting permission ain’t likely to happen – or so it’s believed but it’s such a consistent thing that bisexuals won’t even ask for permission because they “know” they aren’t going to get it.

Bisexuals get a lot of grief when the word, “threesome” comes up and it is assumed that this is just a thing bisexuals do… when it isn’t; straight folks and gay folks have alternative relationships that allow group sex and sex outside of the relationship so it’s just not a bisexual thing.

But we are aware of it and we wind up being aware of it because it becomes clear that if we’re bisexual and need to do stuff about it and we’re in a relationship, well, that’s not gonna work for us unless the relationship changes… and good luck with that because in order to effect this kind of change, you need your partner to buy in to this level of rule breaking.

Maybe they do, maybe they don’t… but this is about the awareness of the possibilities that “normal” relationships cannot ever allow for. To many bisexuals, an alternative relationship just makes sense, not just because it will or could allow them to pursue their sexual desires, but because they can see the inherent flaws in how “normal” relationships are handled and how things are designed not to allow any alternatives at all.

Oh… you wanna be able to go get some dick when you feel like it? You can – just as soon as we break up, you nasty motherfucker! It begs the question, “What if breaking up isn’t the best solution here?” and for many, it just isn’t… but that also kinda limits the available choices: You’re either going to be consigned to doing nothing or you’re gonna try to negotiate a change to the relationship so that you can do something… while providing benefits to your partner as well.

And, again, good luck with that one but, once more, it’s about seeing the possibilities as well as having a better understand what this sex thing is really about and why some folks are likely to take the matter in their own hands to get what they need because not being able to isn’t a viable – or healthy – option.

We see it and, yeah, we want it but getting it is a whole different matter but, yeah, we know it can be done without setting off the nitro and destroying the relationship. Bisexuality almost literally opens one’s mind to certain realities and one of them is how fucked up relationships are when it comes to a couple taking care of each other’s needs and not so much.

You see the fallacy in believing that one person can take care of every need their partner may have and we even insist, imply, and/or emphatically state that we’re all that someone else will ever need and that whoever we’re with should not and will not ever need anything than us and that which we want to provide.

The truth is a motherfucker, ain’t it? And, really, you don’t have to be bisexual to see this but being bisexual kinda brings it all home faster than it does with other people. And then those seeking an alternative solution to the issues that relationship norms cannot allow find out that having these desires and being in a relationship is about the worst thing imaginable. You also find out that the person by your side who promised or otherwise swore to do and be the best they can be and all in the name of love… and you find that they love you, but… – and now there’s a list you may not have known about covering what they’re not gonna do for you, for love, or for all the money in the world… and all based on what they believe more than what reality is telling them.

That’s some fucked up shit, huh? Bisexuals feel this, I think, a bit more acutely than, say, a straight couple looking to spice up their relationship. They may want to do it but, eh, they really don’t have to… but bisexuals are strangely driven to do something about being bisexual and, no, I’ve never been able to explain it in a way that makes sense… but I know what happens to many bisexuals who can’t do what they want to do… and none of it is what I’d call pretty.

There’s a great need to change what being in a relationship means; we need to rewrite it so that needs can be met while keeping relationships intact and moving right along. When alternative relationships hits the table, the person who might be totally against this almost always asks, “What’s in it for me?” And you can tell them… and hope like hell that they can see this as you’re seeing it. We talk about sacrifice in relationship and how it’s required when I think this is true… but excessive; compromise is the thing that should be highlighted more than what someone is giving up for the sake of someone else’s sensibilities or in accordance to a set of relationship rules that are flawed, suppressive, inhibitive, and just flat out fucked up because they do not allow for partners to adequately take care of whatever needs may arise and especially where intimacy – emotional and/or physical is concerned.

Or, like I say, if you’re a guy and you want some dick, the woman you’re with doesn’t have on – normally, I’d have to say because there are… exceptions. You can throw all the pussy you want to at this guy and, okay, that works… but won’t make the need for a dick to go away and there are a lot of people who just do not understand how bad a thing this is for us. It’s like even if they did know how this is fucking us up, they don’t care… because they will remain steadfastly true to a set of rules that are, in fact, destroying that person who has needs the relationship cannot provide.

Again, you don’t have to be bi to suffer this and if, at any time in your life, you had a desire for someone else when you were already with someone, you know how frustrating is can be to know that the rules will not ever allow you to do anything about it…

Unless the rules get changed. And we need to change them to fit life as we know it in the 21st century and not so much how this was decreed to be in those BC days of human existence. Otherwise, any needs that someone has will not be taken care of, causing them great harm and taking good and promising relationship and throwing them away… which, in my opinion, defeats the purpose and reason for being in a relationship.

The rules are an idea, the way things are supposed to be… and they do not match the reality of things. A woman wants to go back to school and learn something that would not only better herself but allow her to, say, get a really good job and with all the perks that brings… but she’s with a guy who firmly believes that he should be the one bringing home the bacon and all that other man-shit we’re told we are responsible for so he forbids and denies this need she has.

Now, how do you think that’s going to affect her and, ultimately, how it’s going to affect the relationship? You see that this fatal flaw in how we go about having relationship isn’t just about things sexual – it impacts a lot of things in a person’s life but, yeah, bisexuals are acutely aware of this.

Should we change? Yes. Will we change? Eventually it will and pretty much “on its own.” Should we jump start the inevitability of change and make things happen so that we can be happy in our relationships and know that there are really no limits for what we can do for each other to insure happiness and, importantly, good mental and physical health?

Yeah, we should… but we ain’t. Because we cannot think “us” in these things; we’re always thinking “me” – what I like and don’t like, what I believe and what I don’t believe even when we become aware of the fact that what we believe is so totally incompatible with the reality in which we all live in.

There are probably some folks reading this and saying that they wouldn’t step outside the rules even if their very lives depended on it… and without know that their life, such as they know it, could depend on bending or flat-out breaking some rules. There are those folks reading this who believe that the way things are supposed to be is unchangeable and never should be… even when they can see how their beliefs are doing a number on the person they’re with as well as having detrimental impacts on the relationship.

And, strangely, by and large, we’re okay with letting things be fucked up when it’s within our power to not let them get fucked up… and all because we believe some shit that might have made sense centuries ago… but not today.

What would you do if faced with an alternative relationship situation?

 

Life, Living and Loving: When Rules Attack!

First, a few things about alternative relationships. People form relationships, follow the rules of monogamy, and think that things not only won’t change, they’re not supposed to change; whatever the prevailing conditions are, that’s what you have to work with which is fine, right, and proper.

But Change is an unstoppable beast – a force of nature, if you will. Humans don’t much like change – we are creatures of habit and once we adopt a habit of any kind, changing it – stopping, modifying its behavior, etc., isn’t easy to do and the way we go about relationships is a habit as well as a decree set down by some very long-dead peoples who decided that the way we were living – think of polyamorous groups/clusters that were conducive to survival – was just plain wrong and that settling down – and staying down – with just one person was gonna be the best way to do things going forward.

Even way back in those very early days, um, that shit didn’t quite work the way they said it should and, many centuries later, it still doesn’t quite work the way they said it should because the one thing I think those rule makers never really took into consideration is Change except to mandate that if Change does come to visit and certain changes were needed, your only recourse was – and still is – to reject any such changes, dissolve the relationship, and try your luck again and, hopefully, with someone who wouldn’t be swayed by Change and who was quite fearful of the consequences of having the audacity to want things to change.

Even as far back as the 1950s – and for the purposes of this scribble it’s the time I arrived kicking and screaming into the world – things like wife swapping were all the rage in suburbia although I suspect that it was always on the DL since the first couple who broke the rules looked at each other and said, “This shit ain’t working – so what are we gonna do?”

Ah, those blasphemous, hedonistic heathens! Being non-monogamous while still being officially a couple? Not playing by the rules and rules that not only applied to the legally married but to anyone in a relationship? Impossible! Never to be done! All manner of fire and brimstone will be visited upon you shameless sinners!

Yet, despite all the ruckus, alternative relationships kept right on going, maybe not as much of a “mainstream thing” but, yeah – couples in a relationship were becoming more aware of the fact that the rules we were meant to live by and at all costs just weren’t allowing a couple to be as happy with their conjoined lives as they could be.

But figuring out how to bypass the rules isn’t easy because what you want is to have your cake and eat it, too… and there were no instruction manuals on how to do this, leaving people to their own devices to bend, twist, and even break the rules and make this non-monogamous thing work.

Enter the nitroglycerin and a habit that was developed to prevent something that is anathema to us all: Losing the person we’re with. Some really smart folks, way back in the day, figured out that if you got rid of the rules, you needed new rules to take their place and since the original set of rules supposedly were able to prevent loss of this type (not counting dying, of course), well, any new rules had to be able to do this… and this is where things got iffy and, yes, I’m understating things.

An unmarried couple makes the decision to open their relationship so that a MFF threesome can happen; the guy in the relationship – and for whatever reason made sense to him – thought it would be hot as fuck for his girlfriend to have sex with another woman… but the girlfriend, eh, wasn’t really feeling that but, okay, let’s give it a try. He arranges the threesome, they all jump into bed and his girlfriend starts having sex with the other woman… and, who knew – she liked it and dove in with a gusto, leaving the boyfriend in a spectator mode. He didn’t like that, got mad because he was being summarily ignored and even madder because his girlfriend was having way too much fun than he was… and broke her jaw in three places.

A married couple decided that opening their relationship was a better option than getting a divorce but the husband, who feared losing his wife to any guy who could make love, have sex, or fuck her better than he could, stuck in rules that would allow him to control what his wife could and couldn’t do – and in this case, one rule was that she could suck all the cock she wanted to… but couldn’t partake of the other guy’s sperm in that fashion. They engaged with another couple, things were going well; the wife was happily sucking away on the other guy’s cock and he lost his load and the wife happily partook of it since, in her mind, this was what she wanted to do (among other things). Because she broke the rules, they were divorced a few months later. He contended that, for one, she had planned to break the rules and that she wasn’t paying the required amount of attention to know when the other guy was going to cum – and she should have known this and dutifully stopped sucking him; that the guy wasn’t able to hang on to his load was deemed not to be his fault. So a ten-year marriage that, up to that point, had been going very well got thrown away.

Another married couple opened their marriage and with a lot of rules designed to prevent loss of the relationship but to also control each other’s behavior, i.e., only pre-approved and supervised activities were allowed and any spontaneous activities were prohibited. That meant that if the wife or husband ran into someone who pushed all of their buttons to make sex happen right away, nothing was supposed to happen. The husband – and the one who pushed for supervised sex – wound up in such a situation and handled the matter and as it called for. The wife found out and, bluntly, tried to kill him by stabbing him in his sleep for the rules violation; he spent months in the hospital recovering and she wound up being a guest of the state for a number of years.

Yet another couple decided to do this rather than dissolve their relationship but the guy, knowing of his lady’s desire for, ah, people of color, prohibited her from exploring this avenue. Another spontaneous “shit just happened” moment found her with a man of color and when her boyfriend found out hours later, he threw her out of their home, turning his girlfriend of many years into a destitute homeless person.

Another couple went for the gusto but the woman, who argued for this change was told that she could not partake of any cock that was bigger than his and let’s say that he wasn’t as endowed as he would have liked to be. They didn’t have a rule against spontaneous interactions… so when one happened, that wasn’t the reason why their relationship went down the toilet – it was because the guy she fucked had a cock that was, reportedly, only about an inch bigger than her man’s dick.

All up and down the line, people who try on alternative relationships tend to make similar mistakes that either makes the attempt fail and/or destroys an otherwise good relationship: Trying to prevent loss and trying to control how they have sex with others. On top of such restrictive and suppressive rulemaking, the other mistake often made is trying to be monogamous in a situation where monogamy cannot work; it’s kinda hard to “keep only unto yourself” when you’re trying to do the opposite.

One couple decided they wouldn’t exactly be open but they’d have an approved boyfriend or girlfriend and while this was deemed to be a fair thing to do, both people in the relationship inserted nitroglycerin-laced rules to limit when they could have sex with their new partners, how they could do it, stuff like that. The husband felt that the rules imposed were being violated by the wife who was having sex with her new boyfriend like there was no tomorrow… but not finding any fault in himself as he was banging his new girlfriend in a similar manner. Further compounding the problem was the fact that the new girlfriend and boyfriend were having sex with each other and going for all the gusto. The alternative relationship was dissolved and the marriage was obliterated six months later with both parties pointing the finger at each other for rules violations.

A woman asked for and got permission to have a girlfriend and it was agreed that the girlfriend could be shared with the boyfriend. Things got off to a stunning start; the chemistry between the three of them was amazing until the girlfriend started to feel that she was being left out of things and unhappy that her boyfriend and their girlfriend were having more and better sex than she was. In this case, no rules were violated but more baser things were in play – jealousy, possessiveness, envy, self-loathing, etc., and as a result, the alternative relationship was terminated because things weren’t going the way she envisioned they would.

Another couple set themselves upon this path and with the non-negotiable rule that no feelings other than lust take place. After months of engaging with her male partner of choice, she found that she was in love with him and he with her and the nitro went off big time; she was guilty of a major rules violation and was sent packing… but it was discovered later that the woman he had been involved with, well, he was in love with her but neglected to mention this. Their relationship went to shit because of these violations and eventually went down the drain.

Another couple set off the nitro they put in their alternative relationship because they both spent more time being with others than they did taking care of business at home. The problem here wasn’t exactly a rules violation but something that happened because a rule wasn’t put in place, namely, take care of home first. Since they didn’t have this rule, the relationship didn’t survive the resulting explosion when the nitro went boom.

In all of these real-life examples, copious amounts of nitroglycerin were added to the relationship mix and shook up in a way that would guarantee that the whole thing was going to blow up in everyone’s face because of micromanaging something that really shouldn’t be micromanaged.

There should be rules; to operate under these conditions without rules is just plain crazy. But rules should be put in place with some things that are, in my opinion, very damned important, beginning with if a rule is made, it can be changed if necessary or, everything is negotiable. Likewise, people change; playing by the established rules is all well and good but doesn’t take into account of how the power of sex can effect changes – and many act as if this should never happen. People put in loss-prevention rules that, on paper, make sense – the core relationship should be preserved at all times – but without considering that, well, shit happens and when you don’t want it to. A couple can promised to do this and not let this break them up – and while you can do your best to control what your partner can or can’t do in this, you can’t control their feeling or their thoughts.

A lot of these endeavors go awry, not because of rules violations, but due to a failure to communicate; they set things in motion after a lot of talking about things… and nothing more is said unless a rules violation is detected and then it’s all about how the violator is to be punished and then more restrictions are added – right along with even more nitro and other stuff that likes to go boom when you mess with it too much.

No one seems to take into consideration that Change wants to happen even when it’s deemed not to be in a couple’s best interest – then they find that if Change isn’t allowed to happen, well, boom goes the nitro. If you set down a very rigid set of rules to prevent loss and to control everyone’s actions, you’ve also set down enough nitroglycerin to, let’s say, blow up a good-sized city. Yes, you want nature to run its course in this but you also want everyone involved to be aware of the consequences of their actions and how those actions can and will impact the alternative relationship just as much as the core relationship can get jiggled enough to cause an explosion.

The trick – and one that most people who try to do this never learn – is to put the minimum amount of rules in place like take care of home first, don’t bring anything home that you’re not of a mind to be responsible for and, I think, a very important rule, talk about whatever has been taking place and making adjustments as necessary to ensure that the core and alternative relationships can continue to operate as smoothly as possible.

Some couples agree to do this thing but put in a rule that says whatever you’re doing – or whomever – they don’t want to know anything about it. In this, the “whole purpose” of the alternative relationship is set aside, that being, sharing the experience with each other. Now we get into the most fatal and nitro-jiggling thing: Thinking “me” and not “us.” Many folks get on this path thinking about what they want and being of a mind that because it’s what they want, their partner – who they expect to agree with this – has no involvement at all… and the endeavor fails due to a lack of communication and zero experience sharing so that any changes that might be called for never happen – and changes that could keep things running smoothly.

What many find out is that instituting an alternative relationship is a lot harder than a regular relationship. When you go +1 (or more) the whole relationship dynamic changes and there must be attention paid to a few very key elements: Communication, time management, problem and conflict resolution. I maintain that if you do not possess any of these skills – and they are all needed – you will set off the nitro and this will blow up in your face and catastrophically so. These things are not static… any more than being exclusively monogamous is as static as it they say it’s supposed to be. Why? Because people aren’t static – they’re dynamic or they are always subject to Change showing up and nudging them in different directions and the simplest example of this is how many times in any given day you change your mind about something or how your feelings are flowing from one moment to the next.

The thing here is that we go through these changes… and we don’t always notice them but delving into an alternative relationship will sure as hell make you aware of changes… if you’re smart and observant enough to pay attention… and you should be. Where there are some rules that shouldn’t be broken, any other rules should allow a lot of wiggle room or if you don’t allow for someone to screw up, boom! Rules should be adjusted as needed; if the woman in this needs to have the “don’t cum in her mouth” rule revised, she should be able to sit down with her partner and talk about changing this, the pros and cons and, importantly, how changing this rule is going to impact the core relationship as well as how it’s gonna make her feel.

If scheduled and supervised activities is making things difficult, it’s time to sit down and talk about revising this particular rule. Someone feeling left out? Not getting “their fair share” of things? Sit down, put it on the table, and work the issue until a solution is reached that everyone can live with – and with the understanding that such a solution might need more work at some point.

If a couple isn’t diligent and dedicated to making this work – and willing to put in the huge amount of work that’s necessary, you’re gonna set off all that nitroglycerin you’ve added to the mix… and when it goes boom, it ain’t gonna be pretty. And then there’s this: Most of the shit that will make the nitro go off can be avoided but, as I always say, to not set it off, you have to unlearn everything you thought you knew about love, sex, and relationships so that you can learn a new way to do these things.

Those who fail to learn get blown the fuck up. If you try to control or micromange things, like retaining the “right” to choose your partner’s partner, this will blow up in your face and, indeed, anything you put in place that will serve to be restrictive and designed to not let someone be the way they need to be in this, boom.

If you try as hard as you can to prevent loss, you’re gonna experience and suffer it and I can almost guarantee that this will blow up in your face. Yes, you have a duty to preserve the core relationship but when you do the “logical” thing and construct very restrictive and inhibiting rules to ensure that the core relationship will remain intact, you’re gonna set the nitro off pretty quick when those rules lack flexibility and you take away someone’s ability to adapt to situations.

And, really, if you aren’t aware of just how powerful sex is, whew, I hope you have a blast-proof suit on… because you’re gonna need it.

So, Jennifer: How did I do? It is to note that I didn’t include things like Jennifer’s DD stuff; that’s a very different kettle of fish and, well, you should go read her blog to see how she and her cadre manage this kind of relationship – it’s impressive as fuck and I’m not easily impressed. The thing is that Jennifer and all those involved found a way to manage their +1 (or more) relationship without setting the nitro off and utterly destroying things. They found the right mix of things to make it work; they communicate, manage things without micromanaging them and when change is called for, they get together and work it out so that things keep working as smoothly as humanly possible.

It’s a lot of work and something I know for a fact; it makes being in a one-on-one relationship look like child’s play and ridiculously easy by comparison. But it can be done… if you’re willing to put in the work that will be necessary to make sure the nitroglycerin never goes boom.