DDJennifer, in her latest blog – https://ddjennifer.wordpress.com/2019/09/15/335-the-bond-of-sex/ – said this:
“Sex must remain an invulnerable, untouchable, inalienable, non-negotiable, unassailable, sacred, absolute, BOND exclusively between TWO people. “
“This bond is the wrapper on most relationships. The slightest threat can puncture the wrapper, spilling the contents of the relationship on the ground like roadkill.“
“I am going to try and contain my rant as that is not the point of this post, but, it’s sad. People who are otherwise loving and nurturing to each other will allow the relationship to vaporize due to a violation of that bond. I almost agree with that bond, except the exclusive part. There is no reason for exclusive sex to be the super-glue to a relationship that, once dissolved, takes the relationship with it.”
She goes on to talk about some stuff that’s unique to her situation but I was wowed to see this part because there aren’t that many people who actually gets this and how clinging to this very archaic way of doing things can, bluntly and frankly, fuck shit up and irreparably so.
Even people who are of a +1 (and more) frame of mind don’t always gets this and it winds up being a matter of manhandling nitroglycerin (and not dynamite as DDJennifer went on to say – nitro is some really finicky stuff that really could blow up in your face if you looked at it the wrong way) which, ultimately, winds up obliterating everything.
It is not to say that when a relationship goes +1 (or more) that there can’t be any rules in place but in my observations, people add a lot of nitroglycerin to the mix right off the bat and, usually, to insure that their core relationship will and can remain intact and with the addition of inhibiting sex in that who, what, when, why, and how way. Not only do they put a “suicide vest” on things, they break out the super glue (thanks for that one, too, Jennifer!) to make sure that once the “vest” has been placed, it can never be adjusted in any way and removing it, well, I’m sure you can imagine what’ll happen.
I commented that there’s a difference between the sex you have with your core partner and the sex you have with others. What some folks kinda/sorta overlook or sometimes totally discounts is that everyone has their own idea of what sex is supposed to be like even in a +1 (or more) arrangement… and a lot of people look at it just like Jennifer said… and as strange as that might sound.
In the swinging lifestyle, it’s par for the course for couples to have rules that limits how everyone can have sex; the woman can suck cock but she’d better not even think about finishing off the dick even if that’s what’s going to enhance her participation in things. I’ve seen folks emphatically state that there will be no cross-couple kissing; the guys can eat all the pussy they want to… but their kisses are confined to those lips below the waist.
In this, they say that kissing is too personal and intimate and is only for the couples alone and this particular sentiment makes my eyes roll painfully hard because, I dunno, maybe it’s just me, but I’m not 100% sure how putting your mouth on another woman’s coochie is deemed to not be personal or intimate. Yet, many swingers insist that this is gospel and canon and should this rule be violated, there will be consequences – boom goes the nitro.
Folks with very restrictive rules seem to miss something I – and many others – find important: If you expand your relationship to be able to have sex with others, the expansion is part of your sexual bond with each other so that you can establish other sexual bonds and make no mistake: Sex binds. People are going to behave in whatever way that bond forms and since, again, a lot of people try to handle this bonding by decrying any emotional connection that isn’t plain old lust, well, no wonder the nitro tends to go off more than it should.
Now, you might be thinking, “Well, that makes sense!” – and I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t, not if you really understand how sex affects us. It’s like this: You can’t do anything about the way you feel; you can only do something about how you might act on those feelings so when you go +1 (or more), telling each other that catching some feelings for the other person isn’t allowed just adds a lot of nitro to the mix; you now have two people suppressing their emotions as well as adding inhibitors and, get this, inhibitors that had to be removed so that a couple can be +1 (or more).
There’s a reason why I tell people that if you’re gonna do this thing, you gotta unlearn everything you know about love, sex, and relationships so that you can learn a whole new way to go about these things – and that stuff I swiped from Jennifer is one of the things you have to unlearn and, really, redefine by getting rid of “exclusively between two people.” It gets kinda confusing at this point.
You have your unique bond with each other and it should be unbreakable and all that but monogamous exclusivity? Eh, not working for either of you but that can be remedied. The biggest question asked in this is, “How can we do this without screwing up our relationship?” and they go about figuring out and, as mentioned, adding lots of nitro into the mix that, at some point, is going to destroy everything… and sex – along with the emotions it can invoke – is the detonator that few people learn to keep their fingers off of.
Not having rules is a bad thing, too; you just gotta have them but they must be constructed so that the nitro doesn’t get jiggled and explode… while allowing everyone involved to be bound by the sex and the way it’s going to happen and trying to wrap your heads around just how fucking powerful sex is and, preferably, before you open the doors for any potential applicants.
We worry about losing our partner… and that is to be prevented at all costs, right? What we forget – or don’t think is supposed to happen – is that the moment you enter into a relationship, loss is in play – nothing is forever. I’ve been asked, “Well, what if they fall in love with the other person?” The answer they don’t want to hear is, “If they do, they do – not sure how you can really stop that from happening.” To this end, it’s not that your partner falls in love – it’s what, if anything, they think they need to do about that. We believe that being in love with more than one person is a very bad thing and, in and of itself, it isn’t – it’s what people tend to do and this is the part where I’ll tell people that if the love you have for each other isn’t strong and durable enough, ya might not want to do this.
Your relationship, at its core, has to be all of that stuff Jennifer wrote and it can still be that way without that “exclusively between two people” part… except, um, we don’t know how to do this because we’re taught not to even think about stuff like this. So figuring out how to do this and without winding up blowing shit up is, indeed, difficult and it’s my thought that a lot of attempts to do this go badly because, in many situations, the couple looking to go +1 (or more) is thinking “me” and not “us.”
What can we do to make our relationship better; how is this going to make us happier with each other and those who may join us. I think that when the focus on “us” gets waylaid, the nitro is gonna have a field day blowing shit up. And, I think, the moment you try to put the sex on lockdown, you’ve got your finger on the detonator and that finger is going to slip and…
Boom. Congratulations! You just destroyed your relationship. When you put too many hard-set rules into the mix, you’re setting yourselves up to fail. Okay… make your rules… but with the understanding that they can be changed if needed. If someone runs into the wall you’ve created with your rules, well, okay – time to sit down and talk to each other to see if the wall can be removed and more so when removing it will continue to allow us to keep being better, happy, all that good stuff.
Some walls should remain in place… but those that can be removed should be torn down; if the woman in the core relationship, say, wants to finish off a guy in the +1 (or more) mix with a mind-blowing blow job – but you have a rule that says she can’t – well, get rid of it; we should be of a mind that whatever makes our partner happy will, in turn, make us happy as well as the whole core relationship. If you have a rule that sex with any of the +1 (or more) participants can only happen when supervised by a member of the core relationship, eh, get rid of it; it takes the spontaneity of sex out of the equation, can screw up any attempts to schedule times to have sex and other logistical nightmares that make managing the +1 (or more) relationship difficult and subject to upsetting any nitroglycerin that may be in the mix.
That’s not a good thing. Yes – create rules and stay within the rules but if changes are required – and it’s a sure bet that they will be – sit down, talk, and work out the best way to effect change without blowing everything straight to hell.
It’s not easy and I can tell you that for me, it was the most amazing thing I’ve ever done and been a part of in my whole life… and the most insane thing I’ve ever had to deal with because another common mistake is not taking into consideration what the other +1 (or more) members are thinking and feeling about all of this.
Makes me say that if you don’t have excellent communication, time management, problem and conflict resolution skills, ya might want to learn them before you even try this; otherwise – boom.
And you want to do whatever has to be done to make sure it doesn’t go boom.