Tag Archives: Alternative Relationships

A Major Point of Failure

Multiple partner relationships get set up for a lot of good reasons and let’s face it – one of those reasons has everything to do with sex which, for the most part, is a no-brainer… but it’s also, as the title says, a major point of failure when it comes to multiple partner relationships.

If you think you know how to have sex, you get into this and you just might learn that you don’t know as much about it as you think you do which – and I’ll always keep saying this – is why when you decide to go in this direction, you pretty much have to learn how to have sex again and much of the reeducation is dependent upon how your relationship is structured as far as the participants in this.

It’s not so much of a “group sex” kind of thing although, um, yeah, ah, when you get all of the members of the family together for some sexy fun, wow. Just wow. This kind of sex isn’t as easy as it sounds and even when the sex is one-on-one, which you’d think would be another no-brainer, eh, I’m about to tell you why it might not be so make yourself comfortable because this is gonna take a while.

“Sharon” and “Mike” have not only decided to open their marriage, they’ve decided that being more polyamorous in their endeavors is really what makes the most sense up to an including having everyone involved living under the same roof (if and when possible) and, indeed, there are a lot of advantages to this arrangement that have nothing to do with having sex.

Now, our hypothetical couple is used to having sex with each other and if they’ve been “out on their own” and having sex, okay – it’s probably one of the reasons why the relationship got opened in the first place. Maybe our couple has decided that the two of them “sharing” a girlfriend or boyfriend – or one of each – is a good idea and, importantly, they both believe that they can easily handle this because, after all, they’ve been out on their own and having fun sex with other people.

So all of the new “family” members are in place, things are settling in and, yup, sex is happening between one and all, and in all possible combinations… and that’s where the problems can crop up because the real danger here isn’t actually having sex in some way – it’s how others are gonna feel about the sex that is taking place and, in particular, that moment when someone starts to think that they’re not getting the sexual attention that they need – someone is getting more than their “fair share” of those moments.

One of the things that causes this problem is that a couple, when planning this out, doesn’t think about how new it’s gonna be to have sex like this and more so when a new partner (or partners) are all under one roof. Our couple, again, is used to having sex with each other, they understand that under this new arrangement, things are gonna be different and, I think that innately they understand that with the new folks, there’s gonna be a learning curve… but not think about how that learning curve can lead to the utter destruction of the arrangement and that someone is almost always winding up getting more attention than someone else because, um, we don’t really stop to think about how our new partners think and feel about sex (other than, fuck, yeah, we wanna do all of that) and what their needs really are.

And this kinda thing should be expected and with the understanding that in such an arrangement, everyone is going to behave differently and the appearance of a situation where some favoritism is perceived is going to happen and the mistake is assuming that it shouldn’t happen or doing things to prevent it from happening.

It can leave someone feeling out in the cold, neglected and other such connotations and once someone starts feeling like this, you’re pretty much doomed unless you use the other skills needed for this – time management, conflict and problem resolution, and exceptional communication skills – things are gonna go south fairly quickly. Some couples go about this by placing sexual priority on the core relationship and with the needs of the others as a “secondary” concern of sorts and thinking about “us” in the wrong way because “us” isn’t just the two of you – “us” are the two of you and whoever else has joined you in this. Yeah, the core relationship is still in place and that is your husband or wife after all and the new folks “need to respect this” and not let their excitement about all of this get the better of them and start “demanding” more time with either member of the core relationship than is allowed.

And that’s pretty much the wrong way to go about this. You cannot approach the sex in such a relationship as a one size fits all kind of thing, shouldn’t invoke “priority sexing,” for lack of a better term. Yeah, there’s a time and place for everything but if you’ve got a somewhat shitty attitude about sex – and you’re thinking more about what you want and when you want it – yeah, things are gonna get messy and in a hurry.

You cannot be jealous or possessive in this and, really, if you have any reason to think that you’re not getting your fair share of the sexual action, remaining silent about it is really gonna fuck shit up because while everyone else is enjoying this new way to have sex, no one is going to be aware that there’s a problem – or a potential problem – if you don’t say anything and you choose to just sit back in the cut and have a private hissy fit about it and one that’s going to very negatively affect the smooth execution of the relationship as a whole.

Oh, yeah… if you’ve never seen someone else making love to your partner, wow, get ready for a shock and, to be honest, you can run this through your head a million times and convince yourself that you’ll be okay… until the first time you see it and, you bet your ass, this is gonna be the first real test other than merely knowing that someone else is doing them.

Are there any rules for this? Some kind of pecking order that must be established? The thing that fucks up this part of the multiple partner relationship is that, usually, this is exactly what happens… and it shouldn’t. Dependent upon sexual orientation, everyone is pretty much fair game for everyone else in the relationship and it’s at this point where I’m gonna point out that if everyone in the partnership happens to be straight, um, don’t expect that to stay that way and it’s because more bisexual-like behavior can appear literally out of nowhere and that no one expects it to happen can really throw a major wrench into the works.

“Mike” comes home from work or wherever he’s been and finds “Sharon” in the middle of getting done by another member (or members) of the partnership; how should Mike react when seeing that there’s some heavy duty sex taking place and without him? How do you think he’s gonna feel about this and, importantly, how do you think he should feel about it?

Or “Sharon” is feeling somewhat miffed because “every time she turns around,” Mike is dick deep in a female partner and not during a time where such activities have been “scheduled” – and, yeah, I know about couples with live-in partners who actually have a calendar to schedule who gets to have sex with whom. Should our girl Sharon be totally pissed off about this and to the point that if she gets invited to join the party, well, she should just decline and pitch a bitch about this breech of conduct immediately or just leave and sulk?

Do you think Sharon would be right in her assumption that Mike prefers to have sex with their girlfriend more than he prefers to have sex with Sharon?

And I’m here to tell you that if anyone in the partnership gets to thinking like this, this is not a good thing and the perfect example of why a couple wanting to do this has to – absolutely has to – purge themselves of having such thoughts and emotions because now it’s not just about “us” – it’s about all of us.

Trying to regiment everyone’s sexual behavior ain’t gonna work and neither is trying to limit how, when, etc., sex can happen between the partners isn’t going to work, either. To be frank about it, if you’re not gonna be of a mind to get in there and revel in the hopefully open sexual situation between the partners, you’re pretty much defeating one of the main purposes relationships of this kind happen.

Let’s be for real about this, okay? Yes – couples (in particular) get into this kind of relationship to better take care of those needs that they can’t easily, readily, or even consistently provide and that includes sex… but you cannot and should not go into this using conventional thinking about sex or, gasp, going into this thinking that whatever sex is taking place is “just for your benefit” and going into this with a huge list of shit you ain’t gonna do. If you’re not gonna rearrange your thinking about sex and you’re not going to do your best to have a more… adventurous and open mind about sex – and more open than you thought just having an open relationship requires – well, you’re gonna be fucked… just not in a good way.

These relationships serve as a portal to experience sex in ways that, bluntly, can make other people soil themselves and the possibilities are only limited when the people involve impose limits or start finding reasons to feel some kind of way because things aren’t happening in they way they’re expecting it to. If anything, the thing you should expect is that you won’t really know what to expect but instead of having a lot of fear about it, be excited by it.

Yes, yes – everyone has sexual boundaries but for this aspect of the multiple partner relationship to work as well as it possibly can, ya need to rethink them or, again, unlearn every damned thing you’ve ever learned about having sex so you can learn a new way to have sex.

And you talk about it because, fuck, it makes no sense not to talk about it. You not only talk about any “issues” like feeling left out but you also have discussions about what we can do to make our sex lives even more exciting than they already are and, yeah, if some of that treads into the realm of bisexuality, by all means, don’t run away from it because it still remains true that if you all really do love each other, there shouldn’t be too many things you won’t do in order to make sure everyone is happy.

Which, uh, is why all of this probably got started to begin with. Not what “we” want to do – it’s what “we” can do, those things which are possible and things that “normal” folks would have strokes and heart attacks over because they are, bluntly, incapable of thinking way outside the box.

Good lord… I can tell you my own horror stories about this which, um, is how I am very much aware of how this can really fuck shit up and what, ideally, should be done so that it doesn’t get fucked up.

If you’re seeing this post again, it’s because I had to edit a few things and there’s something else about this I wanna warn you about: If someone in the core relationship seems to be having way too much fun, do not get bent out of shape about it because, um, the whole idea is to have more fun than you’ve been having. If you’re not going to dive right in and immerse yourself in the sexual activities and with the clear purpose to enjoy this new way to have sex, well, what are you doing this for?

This level of intimacy is supposed to be enjoyed to the max and holding back, well, lemme ask you: Does it make sense to hold back? And the other thing I forgot to mention is that fear some have about falling in love with one of the other partners in this.

It happens and, I think, it should happen. I’ve been talking about the sex but relationships like this are also about loving and being loved because love is the thing that binds us in this and, indeed, it’s because of love that we’re breaking a whole lot of rules in the first place.


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The Hard Parts of Breaking the Rules

Damn, and here I thought I had emptied my head about this but Wildwestangel, in her comments to the last scribble, reminded me of some of the initial… discomfort that one has to bear up with when getting into this discussion and one of them is finding out that you really aren’t the answer to everything your partner needs or, bluntly, you’re just not enough when it comes to some things.

People break the rules for a lot of reasons but, as I’ve said, one of them is all about sex, loving, and being loved and to find out that these things aren’t as static or consistent as you think they are is a huge kick in places where you’d rather not be kicked. See, it’s not always a matter of someone not being up to the task (to be nice about it) but, again, when we hook up with someone and start a relationship, we just don’t ever think about how someone’s needs might change or somewhere down the road, they will have new needs or that a hidden need has resurfaced and is begging for attention.

When I learned of my [then] wife’s infidelity, I was hurt by it and when I found out why, I was crushed and pulverized into paste… until I somehow managed to get past that terrible emotional moment and my intellect kicked in and having it say to me, “Um, you know, she has a point there because, last time we looked, uh, you’re not female.” But the emotional pain didn’t stop there because as we talked about it, shit, there were a couple of guys she slept with and the reason, at first, didn’t make sense to me when she told me that she slept with those guys because they weren’t me.

Now, that might sound like an insult to end all insults and, emotionally, it sure as hell felt like one but, once again, the intellect kicked in and rewound the key thing that she had said about this, namely, it wasn’t that I was unequal to the task – she just needed something different. It told me that being consistent in these things – and as much as anyone can be – is both a good and “bad” thing.

Emotionally, it still hurt because just like everyone who gets married, it is assumed and implied that the person you marry has to be – and should be – all you’ll ever need for the rest of whatever… until you find out that it just doesn’t work like that and you feel kinda devastated and even, well, stupid, because you believed what you were told about being married more than a sense of hubris or ego – you think you’re all that for your partner and learn that, nope, not so much all that.

A deeper conversation took place that exposed all of the things we thought we knew about each other and, my god, that was even worse than finding out that I wasn’t all that she needed and I cannot begin to tell you how hard it was to hear this for the both of us and how it irrevocably changes the way you look at the person you thought you knew.

A lot of tears were shed getting all of this out in the open. But, strangely, once the initial shock wore off, not so much in the way of being angry. Well, wait a minute – there was anger but not over what had happened or why it happened but because we both failed to communicate at a very open and honest level so to that end, we both fucked up big time. Then came some very hard questions we both had to answer for ourselves and to each other.

Did we still love each other? Did we want to stay together? Clearly, there are some very major problems that need to be addressed; do we address them and try to resolve them or just say, “Fuck it – I can’t deal with this shit!” and literally throw it all away?

I spent a lot of sleepless nights pondering these things and one of the things that plagued my thoughts was did I love her and need her enough to hold up my end of the vows we took and do whatever was necessary to keep her, make her happy, and prove to her that when I said that I would do anything for her, I meant what I said? Was I man enough? Strong enough? So when we got to the part in our discussions where the question of, “What do we do now?” came up, I had to ask myself was I committed enough to truthfully and honestly answer her question with a question:

“What do you want to do?”

You ask this question and with the sure knowledge that, frankly, opening Pandora’s Box would be child’s play in comparison to what you might be opening yourself up to. She told me what she wanted to do, what she needed to do and, importantly, that no matter what I said in opposition, she was gonna do it anyway.

Whoa. You wanna talk about what it means to be between a rock and a hard place? You have no idea – you really don’t. Now the ball was back in my court and I had a major and life changing decision to make. Do I throw it all away? Do I try to “man up,” put my foot down, and go all “Me Tarzan, you Jane” on her and, my god, beat her into submission and compliance? Could I really live with knowing that whenever she was out of my sight, she could be getting her needs taken care of outside the remit of marriage and, fuck me, even if she was sitting right next to me, knowing that she has this on her mind and planning on how she could pick her moments to get the things she needed that I couldn’t give her?

Or do I bite the bullet and get my head around the fact that it would be better to know what – and who – she was doing than it would be not knowing? And I responded to her statement of fact in the only way that made sense if, indeed, I did love and need her as much as I said I did.

So I said, “Okay. How can we make this happen?” More talking and we eventually hashed out how we were gonna take all of the rules of being married and obliterate them then remold them in a way that would, hopefully, make our time together better. As we talked about the new rules, it became clear that there were some… occupational hazards (again, to be nice) that became apparent and hazards that would test the strength of our love for each other, namely, what if someone met someone else and fell in love with them? Would that cause the marriage to dissolve… and should it? She could no longer have children but, um, that didn’t mean that I couldn’t and if shit happened, how to deal with this?

Come to find out that creating the new rules wasn’t as easy as we thought it would be and it required more soul searching than all the other stuff did but eventually we got the new rules created and with the understanding that they would and could be subject to change at any time, up to and including calling all of this off.

You’d think that when you’ve managed to get through this and you’re pretty beat up but still intact and functioning, well, that’s the hard part, right? Well, no, not really. Not even close. See, it’s one thing to know that your partner is out there getting jiggy with other people… and something very and terribly different to see them getting jiggy… and having big time fun getting jiggy with someone who isn’t you.

You get it into your head that you can handle it then find out – and in no uncertain terms – that handling being there and watching your partner getting laid is about the hardest thing you ever had to do and you’re either gonna survive such a moment (and depending if you’ve agreed to literally do this together) or you aren’t… but one thing is certain: You’re gonna really find out if you’re as grown up as you think you are and if the love you share with each other is as strong and powerful as you thought.

Wanna know what’s even worse than that? Talking to each other about it after the fact and I mean getting all into the details of it from what was being thought and felt. Holy shit.

Holy shit. If nothing else, you learn that being able to always communicate at this level becomes even more important and one of the rules we set was to always talk to each other about what went on, whether we were out on our own or doing it together with others. And, yes, it hurts like a motherfucker to hear and see it and it will test everyone’s resolve – are we really doing the right thing for us? Should we stop this and figure out some other way? And, just as important, are things between us getting better or worse?

Do we have to make any adjustments? One of the things we figured out was that the more rules you put in place, well, it doesn’t make things easier because you’re trying to put limits on something that actually works better with fewer limits, like how some folks who open up and get into swinging don’t have a problem with them having sex with other people… as long as things like kissing doesn’t happen because, for reasons I still don’t pretend to understand, kissing is seen as being more intimate than having sex with someone else is or saying that certain sexual things, like oral sex, is off the table and reserved for only the two of you to be doing.

There’s a definite need to preserve and protect the core relationship but when you put in rules to this effect, most people put them in and with the assumption that they can never be changed for any reason which puts them pretty much right back in the situation that caused all of this to happen in the first place: The denial of providing what’s needed and, as such, having those needs go unattended and, gasp, deemed to be of no great import.

So the fewer restrictions you put in place – and you must put some in place – can be the best area to operate in. You cannot set your obligations to each other go by the wayside; even though you’ve decided to take the rules as we know them and kick them into the next county does not ever mean that the things you have to do for and with each other gets ignored or otherwise supplanted so Rule Number One should always be, “Take care of home first.”

It’s so easy to forget this rule as you and your partner open the doors and step into what is new and exciting territory for the both of you. So while any other rules you may have put in place can be subject to change, this one should never be changed.


Should you get past this point, well, things should be easier, right? No… not really, because just like any other relationship, this is not going to take care of itself – it’s not gonna run on autopilot, as it were, so it makes being able to talk about it even more important; you have to be aware of any difficulties that may be encountered and, together, resolve them. The biggest mistake people make when attempting this is that once they get the ball rolling, they stop talking to each other about it and stop sharing their thoughts with each other which makes Rule Number Two important: Full disclosure of all things and no exceptions and that includes any “future plans” one might have in mind.

This rule isn’t always easy to keep up with because, well, ya tend to get caught up in whatever you might be doing and it just slips your mind so it also makes sense to put in a “better late than not at all” sub-clause and more so when, before disclosing anything, it might take some time to gather one’s thoughts about whatever happened or what direction one’s other thoughts about this might be headed in.

But don’t be too late about it because it’ll appear that you have something to hide and when you’re not supposed to be hiding anything any longer from each other.

Another important thing to take into consideration: Do you need to be able to veto a partner’s decision? I’d say that most people feel that installing some veto power makes sense and, to a certain extent, it does and in the sense that if you’re partner is thinking about doing something (or someone) you don’t necessarily agree with, you should be able to say something about it – and, really, you’d better say something… but that doesn’t mean that your partner has to agree with your disagreement and this, too, is a major test that many fail to pass.

If you cannot trust your partner’s judgement of a situation, you’re gonna have problems that will, ultimately, cause you to fail. You go into this and, hopefully, with the understanding that you can only protect them so much if you’re out there operating independently; you really don’t want anything bad to happen to your partner but, again, if you have no faith in their ability to think things through before enacting them, that’s not a good thing and the message that gets sent is that you don’t trust them to make the right decision for themselves or for the relationship as a whole.

Maybe it goes as expected – no harm, no foul. But what becomes even more important is that if it doesn’t go well, be ready, willing, and able to pick up the pieces as well as talk about what went wrong and, if applicable, what can be done to make sure – or as sure as anyone can be – what whatever got fucked up doesn’t happen again (or any time soon).

Even when the two of you make a joint decision, you could both – and unknowingly – wind up making a mistake – it happens and mostly because even though the two of you know where each other is coming from, you can’t possibly know where the other people are coming from, what their intentions are, and other such things. So if there’s some doubt, sit down and talk it out; put your concerns on the table and together decide whether the concerns are valid and warrants inaction or, really, trust your partner to make the most right decision as possible.

Because it’s not just about your partner – it’s about the whole relationship that can be affected and, again, things are going to go wonky and it’s not that they can go wonky – it’s about what the two of you do when they do go wonky. And, what makes this even harder to do is almost literally being of two minds about things.

There’s what you think, what they think, and what you both think is best for us. It’s “what are you gonna do about it?” as well as “what are we gonna do about it?” and those two things aren’t always mutually inclusive and tends to put into place what’s really a conflict: What’s better for “me” against what’s better for “us” in a given thing.

Are you getting the impression that being non-monogamous is harder than being monogamous? Some people screw the pooch and think this is easy; some are… wiser and understand that it isn’t all that easy.

The truth is that it’s harder than you can imagine because, usually, people get near-sighted – they’re only paying attention to what’s going on “right now” and not paying much attention to what might occur down the road. But while no one can see into the future, it always pays to pay attention to the fact that things might change for some reason or another and if you keep this firmly in mind, when something does change, you don’t wind up being blindsided by the fact that something you didn’t think of has cropped up.

You kinda say, “Whoa – didn’t see that coming!” or maybe kick yourselves in the ass because you didn’t “plan” for something but be assured that it’s practically impossible to plan for something you don’t know is going to show up.

Then there’s the shared vision and I cannot stress how important this is. You see, it’s not about what one person wants, needs, wants to do about any of this – it’s always about what we want and hope to accomplish by daring to take the rules and flush them down the toilet. You want to be the best for each other that you can be and you both have to decide on what form this is going to take, you know, like having a main goal, for lack of better words for it. You have to say, “This is what needs to be done; this is why it needs to be done in order to be able to do right by each other and in the best way possible.”

And if you think this is easy, I beg to differ with you because a lot of what it takes to develop a shared vision are things that hasn’t happened yet… or might not even happen. Ultimately, the shared vision should be about that which will not only make each other happy but do its best to insure that the core relationship remains intact, strong and vital. What makes this not so easy is the question, “Where are we going with this and where is this going to take us?”

If someone had told me way back when the decision was made to trash the rules that we’d go from being open to engaging with other people together to the two of us sharing (and living with) a girlfriend, I would have told them that they were crazy and mostly because during the initial talks and planning, those other things never came up and, embarrassingly, neither of us were able to really see where all of this would lead us – and there was no way to know it.

Which is also why couples who are thinking about doing some rule-trashing of their own should remain open to the possibilities that might show up and at any time. Yes – you say, “This is what we’re gonna do, this is how we’re gonna go about doing it – but we need to keep ourselves open to other things that might show up.”

Or, locking it down and encasing it in tons of concrete might not be the wisest way to approach this because, don’t forget, the reason why you’re thinking about breaking the rules is because of something that cropped up that you didn’t know about and weren’t prepared to deal with.

Once you start down this path, it’s is an ongoing work in progress. You have to keep your fingers on the pulse of the relationship as well as your “partner in crime” so that everyone is always aware of what’s going on and to insure that you’re both still sharing the same vision for the present and future of your relationship.

There’s just nothing easy about doing this and I’ve shared the hard parts I had to deal with in the early going and, believe me, it was a lot more painful to endure than words could ever explain. It made me question and rethink everything I thought I knew and believed in as well as making me – forcing me – to look at my wife in a way I could have never imagined.

And maybe now y’all can understand why I’d tell a couple who wants to do this that they really need to very seriously consider not doing it because things will most certain get worse before they begin to get better. But if they choose to go for it, at least ya got an idea of what you could be facing and depending on why this has to be done in the first place.

Again, thanks to Wildwestangel for reminding me of this very important aspect of kicking monogamy to the curb.


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Kicking Monogamy to the Curb

Another of those combination category things as my mind ponders some stuff about, well, not being so monogamous as is expected. As I scribbled in the last blog, some couples can manage to pull this bit of impossibility off while many can’t and to the point where they can’t even have a conversation about it even if the resolution to their relationship issues happen to point in this direction.

The thing that’s been running around in my head isn’t one of those “this is how you do it” kind of things; no, my mind is cruising along and thinking about all the shit that has to be done before making the “final” decision and turning a plan into action. And it’s a nightmare and that’s being nice about it.

One of the questions I found myself having to answer wasn’t how things were getting done: It was why it was being done in the first place and in developing an answer to this question – and without sounding like an idiot – I had to look back at the beginning and take a close look – a very close look – at the many flaws being monogamous glosses over or tries to get around and recognizing that unmarried couples are also being subjected to this flawed school of thought.

Years ago, I used to read a lot of blogs written by women who bemoaned being cheated on and always asking why they were being cheated on and my entry into non-monogamy taught me the answer or, really, one important aspect and one I’ve said here many times: Cheating happens when someone’s needs are being neglected or otherwise unattended; that some people are just incapable of being monogamous plays into this but I’m not talking about them.

Monogamy actually doesn’t allow much room for growth as individuals or as a couple; “for better or worse” is invoked right alongside “keeping only unto yourselves” and, again, goes for the unmarried, too. Indeed, it is considered to be bad form to be single and date several people “at the same time,” right? No one can foresee problems or issues that might crop up down the road and the tenets of monogamy are rather silent about what a couple should do when problems show up; the usual resolution is to dissolve the relationship and start over with someone else, only to find themselves right back in the same situation at some point.

And monogamy never accounts for the fact that over time, a person’s needs can change because, um, let me put it like this: Monogamy requires and demands that a couple become static but people are really dynamic, meaning that, literally, a person changes a hell of a whole lot just going through a “normal” day while billions of “yes/no” and “if/then/else” decisions go through their minds. Most people are very much in touch with themselves or they know what they need now and we tend to keep going in that direction until we discover that we need something else.

The problem is that monogamy implies and insists that if you find that you need something that a partner cannot or will not provide, well, that’s your ass and the only recourse is to do without whatever it is you need to keep yourself growing or break up with them and go through the process again with someone else.

Another problem many couples run into is the sure knowledge that dissolving their relationship just isn’t going to be the smartest thing they could do; their relationship is, on the whole, pretty damned good but, ya know, it needs a boost, something to rekindle the sun-hot flames they both felt when the relationship first began and I’m sure there are a lot of you reading this who have either thought or have asked a partner, “What can we do to spice things up in our lives?”

And spice is called for and even mandated after a fashion and there are some things that monogamy will allow a couple to do… but even the most inventive couples find that only so much can be done between the two of them… but monogamy doesn’t allow a couple to get, ah, outside help. Once a couple runs out of the things they can do together, they wind up getting stuck again, not because they want to be stuck but being monogamous demands that they remain stuck in place.

A guy I knew was pretty distressed and wanted to talk about it and the short version was that his lady was cheating on him and he didn’t know what to do because the person his lady was cheating on him with happened to be another woman. He was frustrated, angry, and about as bamboozled as anyone can get with feelings of great betrayal tacked on for good measure.

He asked, “Why would she do this to me?”

My answer – and because I had learned it – was, “Because you don’t have a pussy, man.”

His response: “She’s not supposed to want anyone other than me!”

My response: “Is that what you really think? What makes you think that?”

Him: “Because that’s the way the shit is supposed to be!”

Me: “Hmm; apparently not, huh? Did she tell you why?”

Him: “Yeah,but I ain’t buying that bullshit; she told me that I’m not taking care of her emotionally and in a way she needs to be taken care of – what kind of shit is that?”

Me: “Sounds like a legitimate thing and more so when we both know that women are emotional creatures, that and one of the beefs they have with us is that we seem incapable of providing them the emotional comfort that they need.”

Him: “What kind of shit is that?”

The conversation continued along these lines and homey’s absolute belief in monogamy wouldn’t allow him to see what was really going on here and the one thing that monogamy doesn’t mention, that being, it is practically impossible for one person to provide for every conceivable need their part might have and that includes any future needs no one is aware of.

He did ask this: “Well, what if your wife told you some shit like this? What would you do?”

My response: “Funny you should ask because that’s almost exactly what she told me and what I did was say, “Okay. What do you wanna do?””

Ah, you should have seen the look on his face. He couldn’t figure out why I’d go along with something like that and I tried to explain it to him like this:

She needed something I couldn’t provide and, at the moment she decided to go get it anyway, she was sure that telling me about it wasn’t going to accomplish anything and, honestly, until I had some time to think about it, she would have been right. So I was faced with a dilemma; do I “kick her ass” behind this? Do I leave her? Or do I give my “blessing” for her to get that which she needed but I couldn’t provide and with the sure understanding that if I said no, she was gonna do it anyway?

And if I did, indeed, vowed to love her no matter what and it’s implied that I am to do whatever I can to make and keep her happy – short of going out and killing someone just for the “fun” of it – well, okay; not an easy decision for me to make but just for myself, I’d feel better knowing what she was doing than not knowing.

And a lot of couples often find themselves in similar situations – but not all of them have anything to do with sex, as mentioned in the last scribble. They’re faced with a huge question: What can we do without breaking the rules? Toss in the usual “issue” of the things an individual has determined that they’re not gonna do or, as I like to say, that “I love you, but…” thing that I’m sure we’ve all said to someone at some point in our relationship dealings.

One of the things I was told about being married was, “Your marriage is only be as good as the two of you are willing to make it…” and the fact of the matter – and the fact that true believers in monogamy tend to shit themselves over – is that not only is the thing I was told true, but it also implies that if the two of you have to break some rules to stay together and be happy with each other, well, why not? Don’t they say that some rules are made to be broken?

They do, indeed. However, the rules of monogamy aren’t so easily broken and kicking monogamy to the curb calls for a shared and combined effort on both people’s part and as I’ve said, such a couple has to unlearn everything they’ve learned, everything they’ve ever believed in where love, sex, and relationships is concerned… so they can learn a new way to do these things.

Seriously not easy to do because going about kicking monogamy to the curb begins with taking a very close look at yourself. See, some guys are of a mind that seeing their woman getting banged by another guy or with another woman is the shit to end all shits and some actually do believe that they can handle such a thing…

Right up until they find out that they can’t handle it and the reason why they can’t is because of how ingrained being monogamous is in our culture and how it fosters and promotes feelings like possessiveness, jealousy, selfishness, etc., and I will tell anyone thinking about this alternative that if you cannot get rid of these things, you will fail – and miserably.

If you can’t sit down with your partner and have a totally and completely honest conversation about everything that’s leading up to this decision point, ditto – you will fail. If you go into such a conversation thinking only about yourself – and as opposed to thinking about “us,” again, expect to fail. If you have a huge list of shit you’re not gonna do – even for the sake of being and remaining in love, fail.

If your partner comes to you with this and the first thing out of your mouth is, “I don’t believe in that shit!” – you’re fucked and in a very not-so-nice way. If you think, feel, or otherwise believe that you, all by yourself, are the only thing your partner will ever need, well, hmm, apparently not if they’re trying to talk to you about this, huh?

This whole being non-monogamous thing is so… involved and complicated that most people can’t get their head around it and, oddly, this is one of those things that if you looked at it logically, it actually makes sense… except, the thing that really drives things and makes having such a conversation is emotional, not intellectual.

And in the war between intellect and emotion, emotion tends to win – a lot. I’ve actually sat and listened to couples having this conversation and have heard a lot of, Yeah, but…” being said; simply, you get a response like this because, intelligently, it makes sense… but here comes the emotional counter-arguments that are mostly centered on what one believes in.

Which is exactly and precisely why doing a brain dump so that you can learn a new way of doing this is important. Not only do people fail to pull off having the conversation to begin with, if they should manage to get past this part, the next point of failure is trying to be non-monogamous… while holding onto the rules of monogamy and I can tell you that this won’t work. Yes, a couple can maintain and preserve what’s called the core relationship – that’s the two of them, bound both by love and the commitment to each other while kicking monogamy to the curb but there’s a certain way to do this without invoking monogamy and, sorry, I’m not sure I can really explain that except to say that if you don’t believe in the power of love and have no faith in the strength of your love for each other, well, that’s a problem.

I’ve seen couples have this discussion and be very worried about loss; what we if add a person or two and one or both of us falls in love with them? Well, um, that’s kinda the whole point and more so when it’s bound to happen. What if they love the other person more than they love me? Tough question to answer except to say that if the love the two of you share is as strong as you think it is, it’s not that much of a problem and more so since we do tend to love people differently.

Being non-monogamous is a very scary thing to think about, let alone do. Even I can admit that it’s more difficult than being in a one-on-one relationship could ever be and in any way you care to think of but, ideally, you cannot begin to kick monogamy to the curb if the two of you don’t firmly believe that you can make it work and for everyone involved.

What’s another key to this? The much-dreaded open relationship and I apologize for this scribble being as long as it is but if a couple can survive being in an open relationship, taking the next “logical” step – polyamory – becomes easier. Problem is most people don’t survive being open because, again, any emotional turmoil they may be experiencing – and there will definitely be some turmoil – can easily override things, like one blogger who wrote that their poly relationship got flushed down the drain because she felt that her husband was paying too much attention to their shared lover than he was to her.

You see the difficulties involved? Monogamy creates a lot of these problems all by itself and, you betcha, this solution is going to bring up some problems, too, because, um, when people are in a relationship – any kind of relationship – problems are part and parcel of it – it’s an occupational hazard that’s hard to avoid.

You have to have the right mindset, the right attitude; your love for your partner should have few conditions in place where the “but” in, “I love you, but…” are few. You have to be committed (or, perhaps should be committed to a mental health facility) to the core of your relationship and at every turn think “us” and not “me” although, sure, you cannot just stop thinking about yourself in any of this – but that’s why being able to sit down and openly and honestly talk about what’s going on with “me” becomes an absolute necessity as well as keeping a finger on the pulse of how “we” are doing with this outlandish and blatant breaking of the rules.

Problems will crop up and fussing and fighting about them will solve nothing; putting your heads together and working toward an amiable and doable solution is the trick and working toward resolving problems until there’s agreement among everyone involved is just as important.

Expanded relationships aren’t any different from traditional ones: In order for them to work and continue to survive, thrive and grow, understand that they just do not run all by themselves – you still have to work at making it work and, again, be committed and dedicated to making it work at both the individual and joined levels.

It is always a work in progress and, as you can see, it’s a lot of work. Many people trash the rules of monogamy… and then impose a whole different set of rules that, as it tends to turn out, makes doing this harder and not easier – but methinks some folks do this because they’re doing their best to protect themselves. Couples who try to pull this off and wind up failing often do so because the lack a shared vision; it’s not, “How are you gonna make this work?” but “How can we make this work? What are the goals and other stuff we hope to achieve by inviting others to come and share our life with us?”

And it’s the kind of conversation that doesn’t lend itself to being taken care of overnight but how quickly that conversation takes place depends on the two people involved in it and you can pretty much bet that if one partner is suggesting this, the other will be opposed to it and, thus, making having the conversation damned near impossible.

How does one avoid the specter of infidelity? By eliminating as many of the causes for it. Yes, yes… there’s the whole being honorable thing; you gave your word (and before God if married) to not “let no man put asunder” which, as many have discovered, puts them right into that impossible situation of trying to take care of and provide for every need their partner has now… and might have down the road.

Um, sometimes, some agreed upon sundering is just what the doctor ordered. They say that you can’t have your cake and eat it, too; yet, many people are finding that, uh, sure you can. Not only can you have your cake and eat it, you can share the cake with the one you love with all your heart and soul because it’s what just might – and if we do it to the best of our abilities – be the thing that will make us and keep us happy with each other and, oh, yeah, banish the specter of infidelity altogether.

It’s a question of whether or not a couple is going to hold true to an idealism that, by its very nature, is terribly flawed, restrictive, repressive and oppressive… or is it in their best interest to take matters “into their own hands” and make their relationship as good as they can make it?

And what are they willing to do toward the goal of being together for as long as humanly possible? Do I recommend it? No, not really; I’ve actually tried to talk people out of trying it because it requires great changes that not everyone can get their head around, let alone implement. It’s not an insult or anything like that; it’s just that I know how horribly difficult to set aside everything you’ve ever believed about love, sex, and relationships and that it takes a special pair of people to not only make it happen but to make it work and, again, to the best of their abilities.

By comparison – and I gotta point this out again – being married or otherwise hooked up is easy; kicking monogamy to the curb is anything but. Ah, but when done the “right” way and for the “right” reasons – and by this I mean that shared consensus of what the right way and reasons are – it can be an amazing journey and unlike anything you’ve previously experienced.

But only if you strive to make and keep it amazing.

I think I’ve gotten all of this out of my head – for now. This… situation can affect any couple and regardless to sexuality, you know, in case you’re of a mind that I forgot about that aspect and, bluntly, if your wife/girlfriend needs a woman’s touch to allow her to be the person she needs to be, well, fellas, you’re just not equipped to provide it. If she needs it in order to be or remain whole and you won’t provide it, maybe she accepts this and sinks into the Pit of Misery and, as a result, makes your life a living hell because, well, you just made her life a living hell.

I tell bisexuals who fuss and fight about this that the issue of one’s sexuality usually doesn’t have shit to do with the person they’re in love with unless the person they’re in love with isn’t, let’s say, holding up their end of that deal… or maybe they are and it’s “just” a matter of a partner not being properly equipped to take care of this need. It’s what they need to be the person they need to be and now there’s a choice to be made: Provide them with the one thing you cannot do for them… or dismiss it out of hand and tell them it sucks to be them.

Guess what’s gonna happen after that? Cheating? It’s likely. Finding yourself having to deal with a very miserable and unhappy partner? Count on it and if you’re of a mind to not give a fuck how miserable and unhappy they are – but you’re not liking how it’s now affecting things, what’s the answer? I know – break up. Kill the relationship. Just let it die and move on and start over.

But. What if you didn’t have to and more so if you get an answer to the question, “What’s in it for me?” Would you be interested in finding out what could be in it for you?

Normally, the answer is no because monogamy says the answer is always no. Doesn’t change the fact that a lot of couples are learning and discovering that being monogamous isn’t the only way to live and love.


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Because She Asked

I made a comment on a post written by DDJennifer ( and she suggested that I copy and paste it into a blog of my own… so here it is:

Methinks some people see the phrase “open marriage” and immediately fear the worst right along with not understanding what this really means. In my first marriage, I went through the “process” from being monogamous to being open to being poly and it was one hell of a trip and experience and while no relationship is immune to the problems inherent in having a relationship, it is about equity more than equality and, as I like to say, being able to adopt a mindset where the relationship is about “us” and not about “me” so much.

And while you can never discount individualism in any relationship, being open is about everyone involved working toward the same goal and with the same shared vision. It’s certainly about the core relationship and the mindset of, “What can we do to make our lives together the best it can be?” and then doing whatever that entails and, importantly, remaining vigilant and determined to make it work.

By the time I got to poly, my god, I learned so much about love, sex, and relationships that it wasn’t funny just as I learned that living and loving like this is actually harder than being monogamous – in this, you only have one person to deal with as opposed to dealing with two or more other people in the mix. I learned that you cannot treat your partners under the auspices of equality – that’s a nightmare waiting to happen that, um, sure, I’d wish that on my worst enemy and it would serve them right for being dumb enough to think that equality, as we understand it, can be easily established. Being open/poly is an investment that requires equity and creating an environment where one and all can flourish and as comfortably as humanly possible.

It’s still not easy to do… but it can be done and once you’ve learned how to live like this, you never want to go back to being monogamous if you can avoid it.

When people would question how and why we were living the way we were, the answer was always, “Because we want to and it just works for us and it makes the most sense.”

Now for the other side of this thing, namely, how people who attempt this get it wrong more often than not.  In previous writing about this topic, I’ve repeatedly said that in order to be in an open relationship, you first have to unlearn everything you’ve ever learned about love, sex, and relationships so you can learn another way to do these things.  Monogamy is mandated and to the point where people who aren’t married carry on relationships as if they were married; the same rules, the same restrictions, and the same problems married folks experience except folks in an unmarried relationship can usually walk away from it without getting any lawyers involved.

One of the other things I learned and, again, said a lot in previous posts on this, is that being in an open and/or poly relationship isn’t for the weak at heart or those folks subject to experiencing and displaying certain negative emotions – jealousy and possessiveness among them; I’ve also said that when considering being open/poly, the rules of monogamy are, in essence, null and void because, duh, you can’t “keep only unto yourself” if you’re considering expanding what will hopefully become what’s known as the core relationship.

And I’ve said that if you don’t think you can do any of the things necessary, don’t even try it.  You see, we barely understand what it takes to be in a relationship with just one person and the tenets of monogamy are hammered into us almost as soon as we are able to understand them and said tenets are assumed to be inviolate and, importantly, the right thing to be done at all times… except, don’t we find out that this doesn’t work as advertised?  I’ve said and asked not to be taken wrong but for many, being monogamous works and works well but for others?  Eh, not so much.

Relationships erode, decay, become stagnant and wind up ending because, seemingly, there’s no recourse or other alternative to breaking up when, in fact, there’s always been another course of action a couple can take:  Open the relationship and more so when it becomes apparent that there are needs that should be taken care of but monogamy (and a few other things) doesn’t allow for any, ah, outside assistance.  People fret over cheating and I’ve read other blogs about this and their authors asking what, if anything can be done to prevent cheating and other than being single and by yourself, the answer is found in yet another thing I’ve said a lot:  It’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission… but what if you could get permission?  How does a couple combat the ever-present threat of infidelity?  Remove the mindset that suggests that infidelity is always a bad thing.  The bad part is that getting permission is deemed to be impossible given what we – as a whole – tend to believe.  But getting permission brings a new set of issues, namely, ya just don’t know how to have a relationship that involves more than one person.

But it can be done, as DDJennifer’s blog indicates.  It’s not without some issues but as I said in my comment, it’s about having a shared goal and vision – everyone should be on the same page while doing their best to avoid the negative emotions.  For instance, I read someone’s blog a few weeks ago and the author said that her and her hubby were now in an open relationship (and she asked for it) but there were times when she felt the need to stake out her territory and even admitted that she felt… neglected at times when her hubby and their new female partner would interact. It’s actually a normal kind of reaction, given what we’ve been taught about relationships… but harboring these kinds of feelings can, eventually, slam the door on an open relationship.  You quickly learn some shit that’s hard to process:  The open/poly relationship is about you… but not really and I’ll keep right on saying that in these things, if you are unable to think “us” more than “me,” you’re usually gonna fail in your attempts to find happiness in this arrangement – and an arrangement that’s a lot more involved than just sex, you know, just in case you were of a mind that these things is purely and solely about sex.  Again, it is… but not as a main focus of being open and poly; the purpose of the open relationship is to improve the core relationship or being able to answer this question:

“What can we do to make our lives together the best it can be?”  Sadly, this question is often difficult to answer because we – on the whole – tend to think in terms of what we’re not going to do, even for the sake of love… and as long as your mind is stuck in this place, being open/poly just ain’t gonna work.  I’ve said that being open/poly is even harder than being monogamous and I’m being nice about it when I say it… but it can be done.  As DDJennifer wrote in her blog, being open/poly isn’t about equality – it’s about equity and it’s an investment of the highest order.  I read and know of single folks who are poly and while I’d not say that, for the most part, they’re not successful at having multiple partners, many of them manage their relationships while employing the rules of monogamy and finding that doing this is kinda hard when you don’t have that one person at your side who not only shares this vision but is willing to stick by your side as part of the core relationship.

Which is why it’s my belief that openness and polyamory works best for couples who are already in an established relationship; the core is already present and, importantly, the core partners are secure in their relationship and their love for each other… and even more important, they are dedicated to doing whatever’s necessary to make sure that core relationship lasts as long as humanly possible… and even if that means adding as many other people as they can and implementing a plan that makes sure that everyone involved shares the investment, goals, and vision of the expanded relationship.

Equity… not never equality and I say this because it’s virtually impossible to establish equality when you’re dealing with different personalities as well as different wants and needs and that, my friends, is the really hard part.  You can’t show favoritism and you do your level best to not to try to treat everyone the same way – equally – but according to who they are; if you think communication is important in a “normal” relationship, you can’t begin to believe how very important this becomes when two becomes three or four; if you suck at time management, problem and conflict resolution, um, you’re already behind the eight-ball.

If you’re reading this and you’re thinking that, fuck, this open/poly thing is a pain in the ass, you’d be right – it is and unlike anything you’ve ever experienced.  At the same time, it can be the most liberating thing a couple could do but as I say, you gotta really and seriously be grown up enough to do this.  Like in any other relationship, you’ll have regrets, problems, and other things that make the day-to-day management of the relationship a bitch to deal with and even I’ll admit there were times in my experiences when I asked myself – and a lot – “Why did I agree to do this crazy shit?”  But I’d remember why I did – because it made sense to.

Is there a sure-fire way to do this and have it work?  Uh, no; the bad part is that while there’s a lot of information available as to how to accomplish this, you’re gonna have to find your way in this.  Hell, if I knew the definitive answer to getting it done and correctly so, I’d be rich beyond the dreams of avarice.  What I do know is how not to do this, what the pitfalls are and, if nothing else, what the basics are.

After that, you’re on your own.

So, Jennifer – how did I do?

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Posted by on 23 June 2018 in Life, Living and Loving


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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Sexual Fidelity

I got this link in an email last night – – and I gave it a read and thought, “Really?  Straight people and bisexuals figured this shit out quite some time ago…”  One of the things my nameless friend (and, yes, I forgot to ask his permission to name him here) and I talk about is bisexuality and monogamy and how our mindsets have to change in order for bisexuals, in particular, to be able to handle their business on the other side while being in a good and loving relationship.

We were recently talking about how gay men “despise” bisexual men because they worry about us cheating on them – and with a woman – and how much better things could be if they could understand what’s really something kinda simple:  Change the Matrix’s rules about monogamy and relationships so that cheating could essentially be eliminated.  Ah, yes, I can hear the hearts of those who are fiercely monogamous going into v-fib all over the blogosphere but as I’ve written quite a few times, it’s not that monogamy can’t work but its premise that one person is expected and required to take care of every need of their partner is unrealistic and, yes, serial monogamists, just because you don’t know of your partner’s “hidden” needs doesn’t mean that they don’t exist, okay?

You can go to a lot of site and see people pondering the question of why people cheat on each other and offering up all manners of suggestions that are supposed to ward off infidelity except the most obvious one:  Change the fucking rules so that you and your partner can be all about each other in this without this blind obedience to the Matrix’s mandate to keep only unto yourself and the seriously unnecessary reason why this was invoked to begin with and, yes, I’m mentioning it again, the conditions that existed when all this shit was created do not exist today… yet, even when we know this, we keep being lemmings and following along with the rest of the group, don’t we?

The Matrix would have you believe that sexual fidelity is mandatory, that “Barb” and “Glen” couldn’t possibly be happy if they were seeing other people or had other people involved in their lives and, yet, there are a lot of couples who are quite happy with such arrangements because they understand a few things that the Matrix would prefer they not understand, like, if you can’t take care of your man or woman, someone else can and will… but instead of this causing all sorts of drama, why not do this in a way where the drama wouldn’t exist?  People cheat for a lot of reasons and, I think, with the thought that it’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission… but what if you could ask permission… and what if you got it?

It goes against everything we’ve ever been taught about love, sex, and relationships and we act as if the things we learned about this can’t be changed… but if you vow or otherwise promise each other to be committed to them and the health and growth of the relationship, which thing is the most important:  Obeying the Matrix and pretty much setting yourself up to ultimately fail or making sure that you and your partner are the happiest y’all can be and no matter what it takes to make that happen?  It’s not as if the logic of the situation can’t be understood but emotionally?  I point out yet again that logic and common sense don’t fare well against raw emotion; Barb could logically agree with her man, Glen, that he would be a happier camper in their relationship if he was able to get some dick when he needs it; she could see the logic when he emphatically says to her that even though he needs this – and she sure as hell can’t give it to him – that has nothing to do with his love, desire, or commitment to her and their relationship.  But, emotionally?  Barb’s gonna need some Xanax – lots of Xanax because in her mind – because of what she was taught to believe – Glen should never, ever, want or need anything that she can’t provide nor should he ever give one nanosecond of thought to breaking his word to her and getting what he wants anyway.

She’ll agree to the logic and tell him in no uncertain terms that if he goes out and does this, don’t come back… and is this really necessary and more so when other aspects of the relationship are golden?  Is she all that willing to cut her nose off to spite her face when?  While this actually doesn’t make any sense, all the fans of monogamy will readily say that, yes, she should cut off her nose even though doing so is going to cause her some unrecoverable loss.

My nameless friend gives a real-life example of this via his interactions with his gay FWB.  The FWB has told him on several occasions that, yeah, he wouldn’t mind one bit if they played house and since he knows that my friend is bisexual, sure, if my friend wanted to get some coochie when he needed it, it’s not going to be a problem.  I like this about his FWB but, at least to me, this isn’t anything new but I will say that it’s taken long enough for gay folks to get on the bandwagon that straights and bisexuals have been on for a while; a great many of us figured out that it makes no damned sense to throw the baby out with the bath water, that the dreaded “having your cake and eating it” can actually be a good thing for the individuals involved and the relationship as a whole.

It can be done… but reshaping the face of monogamy isn’t going to easily happen because we cannot logically agree that it needs to change.  Yes, more and more couples – and regardless to sexuality – will find out that, hey, we can do this and still be happy and in love with each other; they might become swingers, have an open relationship, might even dip their toes into the polyamory pool in some way and bring a lover (or two or four) into their fold.  Yep, there are some rules – there has to be rules because as I told my friend last night, humans without order are a train wreck that’s just waiting to happen.  Jeez, I could probably write these rules down in a single blog that, yeah, would also take me days to finish because this is some really complex shit and so deep that it makes being monogamous look easy.  But it can be done and couples will continue to find ways to make it happen.

The article says that we could learn some shit from gay men – and with respect to any gay men reading this, I found that to be pretty damned funny because a lot of bisexual men have successfully negotiated this… freedom way before gay men realized that being monogamous was really for the birds.  But this is, on the whole, a good thing because we need to change the way we have relationships so that we can be as happy as humanly possible in them and without all the roadblocks that monogamy puts in place.  My nameless friend is currently searching for that woman who will not only easily accept his bisexuality but who’d also be open to the prospect of a modified relationship state and one that can benefit the both of them and I do wish him the best of luck in his quest; he has the advantage of living in one of the most sexually diverse cities in the country so he stands a pretty good chance of finding her… but, yeah, if he can’t, there’s the offer his FWB has put on the table, too, which does, in fact, speak to what the referenced article is talking about.

This mindset just isn’t restricted to homosexuals, though, so I had to point this out…

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Posted by on 30 December 2015 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts


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How Do You Feel?

Many years ago now, I learned some important lessons about something I had thought I knew already and they were taught to me when I fell deeply in love with someone I had “no business” falling in love with:  The wife of a friend and co-worker.  While I had spent a lot of time talking to her on the phone, the day I actually met her, the chemistry between us hit me so hard that I almost passed out – and that was before I shook her hand in greeting and when we touched, I was grateful that I didn’t have far to go to sit back down because my legs wouldn’t support me.

For a period of time after that fateful introduction, we talked about the way we felt, acknowledging the powerful and dangerous chemistry between us; we even talked about where we were being led and we desperately fought against doing something about the way we felt, our logic impeccably laid out as to why we dare not do what we both knew had to be done.  It wasn’t right; it was so totally immoral and dangerous to us both because just being in love with each other threatened our very lives and our respective families.

As I’ve written hundreds of times now, this woman was the one who taught me that you can’t do anything about the way you feel; you can only do something about how you may act on your feelings.  She was the one who taught me that just because you loved someone, that didn’t mean you had to do anything about it other than accept that this is how you feel.  I thought I knew about being in love, thought I understood all the aspects of it but this, dear God, this blindsided me, exposed an ignorance I hadn’t been aware of because I was, hands down, in love with this woman and every fiber of my being wanted to do everything I could about it… and I knew damned well that I shouldn’t.  She knew it, too; she had accepted all of this better than I had but, admittedly, felt the same thing I did, that something had to be done about this… and being the intelligent and perceptive people we both were, we knew that we would not be able to avoid the inevitable.

God knows we tried and it seemed that the more we tried, the stronger the pull became; it opened up things for the two of us that neither thought was even possible, things that only existed in cheesy romance novels, or only in our dreams.  Every moment that passed kept pushing us forward even when we logically agreed that if we stopped talking to each other, the compelling force drawing us together would go away and, in time, be forgotten… but we couldn’t even do that, not when I would be making a business call and when the phone was answered on the other end, I discovered that I had dialed her number instead… even when I was looking at the phone’s keypad when making the call.

Holy mother of Christ… what was going on here?  Just the same, the more we talked, the more we shared with each other, the stronger our love became and we just accepted it – it is what it is and maybe, just maybe, people weren’t meant to be limited to loving just one person because I loved my wife just as she loved her husband… but we also loved each other and it was insane… but it felt right even in its moral wrongness.  The pressure to do something about our feelings seemed to subside and we both thought that we had succeed in heading off the inevitable, that we were now in a safe place with each other.

And we were wrong.  We were sitting in her kitchen, drinking coffee, and just talking when the pressure returned full force; I felt it at the same time she did and we were both stunned by it because, foolishly, we thought it had gone away when, in fact, all we had subconsciously done was accept that something was going to happen and when she asked, “Are we gonna do this or what?” for a split second, I wanted to say no – I had to say no – and the truth was that I was still screaming at myself to say no as we kissed for the first time… and that sealed our fates. She took me by the hand, her intention to lead me upstairs to the comfort of the bed in her spare room… and we didn’t make it, losing our clothes before reaching the stairs… and we feasted on each other right there on the steps, on the landing, in the hallway, on that bedroom floor and it was incredible; it was powerful and all-consuming… and we just couldn’t stop.

If that first kiss sealed our fates, the moment I entered her did much more than that; it marked and bonded us for life.  We made love for hours and as if we had never had sex before, driven by both lust and love.  I kept taking her and taking her and in every way I knew how and the more I gave, the more she wanted, the more she needed.  Our very souls had joined together and we were so lost in each other that reason and common sense had no meaning; the sheer wrongness of what we were doing spurred us on further, pushing us beyond anything we had previously experienced until she could take no more… but I still had much more to give and that, all by itself, shocked and amazed me.  She was more than spent and sated… which didn’t stop me from taking her one last time as we showered because I just couldn’t not take her again.

“I hate you.”

Her words crushed me; how could she hate me after what we’d just spent the whole afternoon doing?  But she explained by saying that she hated how I made her feel and not for what we had done and in all its terrible wrongness, it all felt right.  We reveled in our love, astonished each other in the way we’d make love for hours on end and we both thought that we had gone as far as we could in this until the love we felt reared up and had us thinking about leaving our spouses and making a life together… and we learned that if we did that, it would be the biggest mistake ever made in our lives.  We kinda came to our senses after facing the pure, raw power of love and how it can remove rational thought, how it could crush intelligence and logic, how it could utterly obliterate common sense.  The love was still very much there and we knew that no matter what happened, it would always be there.  The lust was there, unabated and unfettered and we basked in it at every opportunity.

At one point, we “broke up” because it had to be done; the danger of our love had taken us from running away together to wanting to make a child of our own… and the only thing that stopped that from happening was her joking about not being able to explain to her husband why “their” baby was born with a permanent tan… so we had to break it off.  The breakup lasted all of a month and it was painful… but it made sense.  She accidentally called me one day and the sound of her voice made all my feelings for her stand up (as well as something else); she apologized for the mistake and we laughed about it until she said, “I need you.  Now.  Come to me…”  I should have stayed right where I was; I should have let the distance between us act as a shield to protect us both… and I was powerless to do so.  I came to her… and took her over and over as if that month we spent apart never happened but with one very notable difference:  We were now under control and immune to what love’s power was pushing us to do.

Now, there may be some of you who are reading this and thinking, “How could you do such a thing?  How could you work with her husband – your friend – every day and not feel the guilt and shame of what you two had done?”  Actually, it was easier than you may want to believe.  I admired him and, as odd as it sounds, respected him more than I had before.  Yes, I was well aware of the fact that if he ever found out, he would strike out at me in some way and I was prepared for that… but I didn’t hate or despise him in any way.  Yeah, it was like that and we did our male bonding thing rather well and more so because he and I had something very much in common:  We both loved his wife with all our heart and soul.

We “broke up” for the final time and, again, because we knew it had to happen and the necessity of it all was painful for us to accept… but we accepted it… and we have never stopped loving each other even though we’ve not seen each other since the very last time we made love one stormy, snowy night and, romantically so, by the fireplace.  There was, in fact, one last thing that had to be done, something I believe I innately knew but hadn’t actually thought about until she told me what that thing was as we undressed each other.  You see, during all the times we made love, I had cum in her mouth; I had cum in her ass and had cum all over her in various places… but I had never cum inside her and, yes, I did her raw because she wouldn’t have it any other way.  She said to me, “Just once, I want to feel you cum inside of me and I don’t care what happens when you do.”

Despite my reminding her of the danger of this, I knew this would be the last thing we’d ever do, one final piece of an incredibly complex puzzle.  I spent the next couple of hours filling her with my seed, all caution set aside as we were scorched by our love, the heat of our passion, and the fireplace.  The first time I spilled inside of her, she said, “Oh, my God… it’s so wonderful… I can feel it… I can feel you… give me more, please give me more…” and I cried openly and shamelessly and did as she bade – nay, as our love for each other demanded.

And nothing happened.  The last time I talked to her after that fateful night, it was her telling me that she wasn’t pregnant but that she was both relieved and unhappy that she hadn’t been impregnated by me… and I felt the exact same way.  It would be a whole decade, maybe a little more than that, before we found each other again and confirmed that our love for each other was still very much in place.  Indeed, I was a little shocked when she told me that she had told her husband that she was very much in love with me and that I was in love with her – of course, she didn’t tell him all we had done.  She shocked me even more by telling me that he said that he knew we were in love from the beginning… and that he was okay with it and, nope, it didn’t hurt their love and marriage one damned bit.

Holy shit…

Now… I told you this to tell you something else that is oh, so very important.  It is, in fact, okay to love someone because, truly, you cannot do anything about the way you feel.  You do not have to do one damned thing about those feelings; you don’t even have to let the other person know if you don’t want to or can’t tell them.  All you have to do is accept that this is how you feel, that there’s just something about them that compels you to love them.  Oh, yes, it is difficult to fight the urge to act on your feelings, as you’ve just read… but, no, all that love really requires is that you accept it as-is and for what it is.  Actions, like making love or returning those feelings, isn’t a necessity and the hardest lesson I learned about being in love is that there are times when doing nothing is the right thing to do – just accept your feelings and, indeed, bask in the headiness of it all because, after all, everything you’ve ever learned about love says that it’s impossible to be in love with someone and still very much love someone else.

What you’ve learned – what I had learned prior to this – is 100% wrong… because it is very damned possible to be in love like this, whether you risk doing anything about it or not.  We all are made to believe that such things can only cause pain and irreparable damage to existing relationships… but that, like many other things about this, isn’t the whole truth because it’s improbable that we could be the only people to have experienced this and caused no damage of any kind.  Yes, the monogamy purists are apoplectic at this point, ranting about the betrayal of our vows and, to that end, they’d be right because that’s exactly what happened… but the point they’d overlook, the point they’d go out of their way to ignore and/or otherwise deny, is that love doesn’t care about our promises, that nothing conceived or contrived by man can stand against the power of love; all those things that we believe can’t and shouldn’t be done are, in fact, possible because all love really wants you to do is accept it and if you can do something about it, fine… but it’s very much okay if you never do anything except take love into your heart and feel that sense of comfort and bliss because you are more capable to love than you ever believe is possible.

The purists would point out that even if you didn’t physically break your vows, you did so emotionally so you’d be just as guilty as if you had done something… like it’s really possible to not think or feel love… and as if there’s really anything that can deflect the power of love and keep it from touching us once it has already touched us.  Yep, even I would say that if I could be imprisoned for what went on in my head, shit, I would have been locked up way before I learned just how powerful love can be; you can tell me to not think of these things and I could – and I have – tried not to think like that… and it’s impossible and quite unnatural, I think, to suppress one’s thoughts and emotions and against something that cannot be stopped despite our best efforts.

It’s okay to feel what you feel but it’s now all about how well you can accept those feelings and that you understand – and even if it’s because I’m telling you – that you don’t have to do anything else about how you feel, that your feelings can only destroy things if you allow them to.  Maybe there are those of you who think this is nonsense and sheer folly and if you do, fine… but it can’t ever change the fact that it happened to me and the woman I will always love… and we’re not the only people this has happened to and regardless of the outcome.

We were made to love and be loved and the rules, such as they are, don’t always prevent us from feeling more love than what’s “allowable;” our innate need to love and be loved just trumps the rules and, again, you don’t have to believe me but all you really have to do is think about any time in your lives when you were in love… and you knew that you loved someone else, too, and then how it made you feel to have to suppress, dismiss, and work to ignore what you were feeling… and maybe how that didn’t quite work the way you thought it was supposed to.  You may have stopped yourself from acting on those feelings… but did you really stop feeling it?  Is it still there, deep inside of you and warming you with its presence even though you’re really not thinking about it actively?  How many times have you told yourself that you shouldn’t be feeling this way… even though you know good and damned well that you do… yet, it escapes you that the one thing you thought to be impossible is, in fact, possible?

We do know that we are more than capable of falling in love more than once; what we don’t understand or that thing we try to prevent is that we can fall in love at any time and with anyone and no matter what our current situation is.  Like you, there was a time when I didn’t think such a thing was possible… and I was proved to be quite ignorant of what love can really do.  I just knew that falling in love while being in love was just a clusterfuck waiting to happen because it’s not as if other folks had not only learned what I learned but, sadly, had it all go horribly wrong… but there are some things I now understand about this; it’s not really cause and effect – just because we can be in love and fall in love with someone else doesn’t mean we have to do anything about it other than accepting the obvious fact that you are very capable of feeling love and in ways that makes all the staunch monogamists want to soil themselves.  They say it can’t and shouldn’t ever be done… but love says otherwise.

While I did what I did in this, I did learn that, no, you really don’t have to do a damned thing but, yeah, I learned that if you can do it, okay…  but, no, if you can keep yourself from acting, that’s okay, too, but you don’t have to reject your feelings or look at them as being improper either.  If someone tells you that they love you – but you’re already in love with someone – you don’t have to give anything back if you don’t have it to give. Don’t look at it as being impossible because it is possible; don’t kid yourself that such things aren’t ever supposed to happen because they do.  And, maybe it’s just my opinion but if you believe that you cannot allow yourself to feel multiple instances of love, perhaps you don’t really understand what love is.  I’m not trying to insult anyone by saying this and I’ll even apologize if you do feel insulted… but I know something about love that you don’t want to believe, just as I know that I’m not the only person to have learned about love and what it can really mean and despite what our morality demands in this:  To only love one person at a time and that to love someone else alongside that initial love is just wrong.

My friends, that just isn’t the whole truth of things; we are capable of so much more than what we’re being limited to.  We see it as a problem, an accident just waiting to happen… but the truth is that it doesn’t have to be that way, that being in love like this always means that you have to do something about it because we’re taught that when you love someone, you’re supposed to do X, Y, and Z and, yeah, sometimes, even if it complicates our lives because love isn’t always neat and clean, is it?  All you really have to do is accept it, that you can love and be loved by someone else even though you’re already in love with someone who is dear to your heart and soul.

I’ve learned that most people cannot get their heads around acceptance and that’s quite understandable since, again, we’ve been taught that it can’t and shouldn’t ever happen… and blatantly choosing to ignore the fact that it can happen and when you don’t even expect it to; ah, damn, that Murphy dude really knows how and when to just fuck shit up, doesn’t he?  So, yeah – just “merely” accepting it isn’t easy to do… but it can be done.  I have, in fact, fallen in love with someone else quite a few times since learning this valuable lesson… and have done nothing about it other than to accept that I love them.  I bask in it, I revel in the fact that I am capable of doing something that most people can’t allow themselves to do and all because we’re told not to do things like this and that because I do feel the way I do, the only thing that has changed is, well, how I feel; otherwise, it’s business as usual.

Not because I don’t want to – I just know that I don’t have to do anything except accept my feelings.  Likewise, I’ve had people tell me that they love me… and I’ve just accepted that this is how they feel even if I don’t feel love for them; I don’t fault or blame them for their feelings and my “lack” of reciprocating feelings don’t bother me because, duh, I can’t return a feeling that I don’t have, can I?  And it’s no big deal if I can’t return the sentiment and/or feelings – but I can accept it and be happy that someone finds me worthy of their love – and that’s a precious honor that I never take lightly anymore, not after what I learned about love.  We think… we are made to believe…  that there’s only one way to love, that love can only happen in a certain way and at a certain time and only in a specific way… and that’s not the truth – it just isn’t.  You may not believe it but there are others who will read this and they believe it because they’ve experienced it and the reality of it has hit them so hard that they can no longer deny that such a thing is very damned possible even if it’s not actionable.  Yes, it can be problematic, I’d never deny that or sugarcoat it in any way… but only if you allow it to be a problem by thinking you have to do something about it other than accepting your feelings.

I know it… others have learned what I learned so they know it as well… and the questions I will now leave you with are simply this:  Do you know it?  Do you believe it’s impossible?  Can you accept that love truly knows no boundaries?


Posted by on 20 November 2015 in Life, Living and Loving


Tags: , ,

On Being a Side Piece

It’s been widely accepted that being a side piece is the worst relationship scenario there is, a clear violation of the rules of monogamy if there ever was one.  Getting involved with a married person is never, ever supposed to happen; there’s supposed to be no form of logic or common sense that can explain why someone would willingly violate the directives of keeping only unto and letting no one put asunder as well as not coveting, committing adultery, etc..

It’s just not ever supposed to happen… which (wait for it) has never changed the fact that it has always happened and, in some bygone era and cultures, having a side piece or being one was okay as long as one’s duties to the person they were married to were being carried out.  Those folks who staunchly and fiercely believe in the tenets of monogamy have said that not only is this wrong but it doesn’t make sense:  Why would someone want to be a side piece?

Um, because it works for them?  Because monogamy is, basically, logically flawed and the concept of one person being able to take care of every single need of another person until one or both of them dies can’t always be true when you look at life and how people can really behave?  It’s not that people can’t do this – a lot of people do and they stay true to the rules with dogged determination and purpose… but the reality is that not everyone can do this and the truth of this – and as much as a lot of people never want to admit – is kinda obvious.

Why would a woman want to get involved with a married man and become a homewrecker?  I can explain this with an explanation of something I noticed when I got married.  Now, I can’t say that before I got married, I had a big problem getting involved with women but after I got married, holy shit:  There were women all up on me and some who, if they knew me before I got married, wouldn’t give me the time of day if their life depended on it.  And, as I observed, it wasn’t just happening to me; guys that wouldn’t even speak to my wife were now very interested in getting to know her in a very biblical way and as I worked on trying to figure out what was up with all of this, almost every married person I knew told me about this, that for some reason, the moment others found out they were married, they were swamped with people who wanted a piece of them – and even if their target was the least popular (or desirable) person around.

The explanation is… complicated.  I’ve had women tell me that a married man is a much better man than a single dude; the married man represents stability, security, and a proven commodity because if he wasn’t, um, his wife wouldn’t have married him and, yeah, some women very much want that for themselves; when you turn this the other way, the married woman is damned attractive because, simply, she must have some high-quality shit going on with her if her husband married her; she’s now a known and proven commodity and this is much better and attractive than some single chick who seems like she ain’t got much of anything going for her.  And, yeah – the taboos against fucking with married people can be more of a rush than the deterrent it’s supposed to be.

The much shorter version is that some people would rather be a part of something than to be a part of nothing.  It’s kinda the same dynamic that causes cheating which, no matter how you care to look at it, happens when someone’s needs are being ignored or otherwise not met to their satisfaction.  Single folks have needs, too, and needs that, by and large, go ignored or unfulfilled since they’re not in a relationship so if they can be a side piece to someone in a relationship, they can have their needs met albeit illicitly because the person in the relationship isn’t supposed to be a part of this for any reason.  Now, some people raise all kinds of hell about being a side piece, saying that such a person wants all of the benefits but none of the responsibilities of a relationship – and for some, this is true… but like so many other things, not the whole truth because for someone who’s willing to be a side piece, they are assuming some responsibilities, oh, like, say, taking care of those things that the rightful partner ain’t handling.

Those of you who are fiercely monogamous probably can’t accept this but I’m telling you – and yes, from experience – that it does happen – it has always happened; indeed, there are experts in this who suggest that humans weren’t meant to be monogamous, that putting ourselves on lockdown like this wasn’t the way we existed prior to religion/morality taking hold and, well, being monogamous is really an unnatural behavior for humans.  Those of you who are rabidly monogamous will say this is bullshit but, um, nah, not really and there’s way too much evidence that says that it’s not the bullshit you believe it to be because, yep, some people want to be a side piece or they need a side piece – and, sometimes, not because their partner is failing at anything.

It’s not supposed to be that way… and none of this changes what the reality is.  Okay, so the whole side piece thing has been known to wreck homes, which is always seen as a very bad is, in and of itself, a fact of the matter.  Like I said, this whole thing is horribly complicated and complex because you’re pitting moral behavior against human behavior and, well, when has that ever worked as expected and consistently so?  We tend to see the whole side piece thing as a purely sexual one… but, sometimes, there’s no sex involved or even wanted; what is wanted and needed is another emotional connection and simply because for some, just having one emotional connection to someone isn’t enough.

Ah, now you fanatical believers in monogamy are about to pull the “greedy card” out, aren’t you, and then slap down the “unable to stay committed to anything” card along with the “dishonorable cretin” card, right?  You believe, without question, that if you’re in a relationship with someone, you are – and can – be everything that the other person will ever need… even though you also know that, um, ya might not be when you get right down to it; you get into a relationship and the one thing you fear is that you won’t or can’t be everything to the other person but, like everyone who believes in being monogamous, that if for any reason you can’t be the alpha and omega for the other person – whether you find this to be the case or your partner does – oh, well – that’s just the way it is and the way it’s supposed to be and if you can’t deal with it, get the fuck out and stay out.

Except the people who’d gladly be a side piece – and someone who finds themselves in need of one – don’t necessarily agree with that assessment, do they?  This whole dynamic not only exposes the flaws in monogamy but does a great job of exposing personal flaws and ones that are expected and required to be accepted without question… except that’s not always the case, is it?  It can be summed up with something I’ve said time and time again:  If you don’t (or can’t) take care of your man/woman, someone else can and will.  This is a truism that pretty much everyone doesn’t want to accept, which is quite understandable since monogamy and morality says that it can’t be true and that it should never be true… but there’s an out available once the truth kicks you in the crotch:  Divorce or breaking up because it’s also inconceivable for one to have/be a side piece and keep the relationship alive and well, right?  It can’t be done, it’s not supposed to ever be done… but the reality, well, now, it can say otherwise, can’t it, because it works rather nicely for a whole lot of people in a relationship and, yeah, for both people in the relationship.

If you don’t understand how all of this works, then there’s some shit you’re missing or, sorry to say, in denial about.  The simple thing about side pieces is that being one or having one meets needs that being solely monogamous cannot provide.  Most people would rather eat shit and die before taking or becoming a side piece… and the operative word is “most” because, well, like it or not, being or having a side piece works for a lot of people and couples – alternative relationships or ethical non-monogamy or even negotiated infidelity have always been options and ones that have been exercised, explored, enabled – pick a word that goes along with this.  We refused to believe this, we insist that this shit ain’t the way things are supposed to be… and in the grand scheme of things – read this as life itself if you want to – it can mean absolutely nothing.  All one has to do in order to implement the side piece dynamic is to put together a list of things you aren’t going to do for anyone and that includes the person you’re in a relationship with; the moment you stop trying to be all that your partner will ever need, well,  you might find out what’ll happen or, inversely, the moment your partner develops that list and has stopped being your alpha and omega, hmm, that side piece thing suddenly makes sense.  Sure, the dissolution of the relationship is “easier” to do and our morality says that if y’all can’t make it work the way it’s supposed to work, throw it all away and start over… which belies that fact that some people don’t want to throw it all away, that starting over “from scratch” is a worse-case scenario they’d not want to find themselves in and, so, despite how morally wrong it is, having a side piece or being one – and remaining in the comfortable confines of their relationship – just makes sense.

Like I said somewhere in this, there are some people who don’t have a problem with having just a slice of the pie instead of the whole thing; for them, it’s better to have a piece of something than it is to have all of nothing.  It is wanting all of the perks but none of the responsibilities?  Depends on the person, doesn’t it?  There are, in fact, people who are a side piece or who has one… and responsibility isn’t impacted at all; indeed, some are very damned happy to have more responsibility, as crazy as that might sound.  And, even in this, there’s one responsibility that, in my opinion, can never be avoided:  If you are a side piece or you have one, you have the additional responsibility for taking care of them and in whatever form that takes and in addition to any other responsibilities that exist.

The whole side piece thing is problematic, not just from a moral point of view, because when it comes to relationships, um, no one ever learns how to multitask because we’re all told to never learn how to multitask when it comes to love, sex, and relationships.  Again, we act as if it can’t be done and it’s not ever supposed to be done and, since all of this is supposedly and allegedly true, it will always fail.  Yep, it usually does… but not always… and this is the truth that we, on the whole, don’t ever want to see because that truth just fucks up everything we were taught to believe in.

Y’all can come back and barbeque my cute ass over this matter, point out that I’m wrong, hammer me with your personal beliefs about this and, yeah, I expect that to happen… but I’m just the messenger, the guy who has the fucking nerve to tell you that what you believe isn’t the whole truth of things and from the position of knowing that it isn’t the whole truth; this just ain’t some cockeyed theory – I know it for a fact and, yep, I’m anal retentive enough to dig down deep into the muck and nastiness of this to find the truth, your unwillingness to accept it notwithstanding.  So go right ahead and flame me to your heart’s content, if that makes you secure in what you know and believe and despite running the risk of being flash-fried, yep, you’ll still have my respect.

I just happen to know that what you believe in isn’t the whole truth of things, that’s all, and given the things I’ve experienced, eh, there’s not a whole lot you can say to me that’ll change what I’ve learned about this shit first-hand and by mere observation of others.  Maybe you’d insist that you’d never do such a thing or that it could never happen to you; you’d never find a reason to want a little something extra on the side – and that’s fine and, again it is respected.  But, I’m the guy who’ll say that a whole lot of people – and myself included – have said these very same things, only to have reality deliver that swift kick in the crotch or that cold slap in the face that serves as a wakeup call and opens our eyes more to reality than idealism.  Sure… it may never happen to you; you may never see reason to have a side piece or to be one – married people can be side pieces to other married people just in case you think this only involves single folks – and if it never happens, that’s a good thing.

I know that it can happen even though we’re taught otherwise… and I have the balls to speak on it.


Posted by on 23 July 2015 in Life, Living and Loving


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Water bound girl

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bouncing between happy and anxious

ann st vincent

My journey through marriage, open marriage, divorce, being a Mom, sexual rebirth, online dating, failed relationships, and lots of sex

The Self-Actualized Life

Have a fulfilling life sexually and every other way!

Larry Archer's World (

------ Erotica from the dirty mind of Larry Archer


is there a path to a successful open marriage?


The silent inside of an anonymous Indian rebelling against society

The (Bi)te

The uninteresting world of a young bisexual girl


What Perspective Matters Most Depends on Your Perception


Just my random thoughts and meanderings... I'll try to keep you entertained


when and why size matters


I write when the choice is to die if I don't

My SEXuality

Why am I afraid to tell you who I'am?

Confessions of a Cheating Housewife

...because love just isn't enough ;)

Apparently I Don't Exist

The Many Adventures of a Bisexual Genderqueer

foreverdreamingoflove 💋

WARNING **This Blog Is For Mature Audiences OVER THE AGE OF 18**

Writing Myself into a Hole

The flailing scraps of a struggling writer. Original fiction and creative whining, whenever my petulance will allow it.