I have the most interesting conversations with Cityman and, the other day, he mentioned an interview with Morrissey where Rolling Stone tried to get him to admit/confess that he was gay and he replied that he wasn’t homosexual – he was “huma-sexual.” Cityman went on to say that it was well-known that Morrissey would often be seen in the company of both men and women and was known to sleep with both, back when the interview was conducted, sure, let’s forget about the part where he’d sleep with women and focus on him sleeping with guys and if he’s doing that, well, he has to be gay.
From there, the conversation went to whether or not labels – straight, gay, bi, lesbian, transgender – have any importance or it’s a thing of those words not having any real meaning and, thus, should be dropped from use. I’ve never had an issue with using the word “bisexual” to describe my sexuality – if the shoe fits, wear it and while it’s never an exact, perfect fit for everyone, it’s usually close enough for government work. For a lot of years, I’ve heard and read a lot of people pretty much having a hissy fit over having the bisexual label slapped on them; they don’t like it and some feel that it doesn’t describe them in any way, shape, form, or fashion… and over all this time since this angst has been displayed, I’ve been trying to figure out what’s going on with this and whether or not this is a good and positive thing… or a form of “proof” of the claim that bisexuals, in particular, are in denial. I can see being in denial about being homosexual because, as I’ve pointed out countless times, bisexuals are only homosexual when they’re doing the same sex thing or, as I had said to Cityman, people hear “bisexual” (and where men are concerned) and thinking cock suckers and ass fuckers – but skip over the fact that we’re also ecstatic pussy pounders and baby makers.
I’d still point out that there are gay guys who don’t suck cock or get fucked in the ass – but no one would say that they’re not gay, would they? I’d also point out that, once upon a time, homosexuality was officially a mental illness, right along with masturbation – just saying.
Labels are identifiers and we need them; otherwise, we could not interact with the world around us. It is true that, being the way we are, we also use labels for evil purposes and it seems to me that there are a lot of people who think that being labeled as bisexual is… evil? I don’t know but even to me, it seems pretty strange that a person can look like a duck, quack like a duck, and insist that they’re anything but the duck they resemble. True enough, there’s lots of shame connected with being anything other than straight and I’ve allowed that when I was growing up, to be tagged as a switch-hitter was more of a joke than an actual insult – being tagged as being a faggot (another of the many derogatory labels we invented) was more serious and fighting words – and whether it was true or not.
Going forward, sure, if it happened to be known that you were bisexual, some folks would give you a pretty funny look because, even then, folks were of a mind that there were only two ways a person could be – straight or gay; it was just unimaginable that someone could be both… or even wanted to be. But even if folks today – and I’m talking about the bisexual haters specifically – are riffing that bisexuality isn’t real and there’s not such animal as a bisexual person, I’ve been around long enough to know that this allegation ain’t even close to being true… and I think y’all can figure out how I know this; it’s a very inaccurate assertion and pretty narrow-minded on the whole. The thing I find bothersome – intelligently – is that there’s been so much bullshit flung around about bisexuality not being a real sexual orientation that some bisexuals seem to be buying into it and despite knowing that they are, in fact, a duck.
I’ve seen people slicing and dicing being bisexual and to the extent where I’ve asked – rhetorically – “What the fuck is going on here?” I’ve seen words like homoflexible and heteroflexible, heard phrases like “bi with the right person” and “socially bi” and, yes, I even know of some folks who are even more bisexual than I am and will swear on a stack of bibles that they are not bisexual. I’ve seen and heard people say that because it’s not something they’d do all of the time, being bisexual doesn’t apply to them, like one guy who, in one breath, said that when he got a little high, he loved sucking cock and said, in the very next breath, “But that doesn’t make me bisexual!” Or, kinda famously, that guy I’ve mentioned on occasion who declared that, yes, when him and his wife are swinging, he sucks cock and gets fucked in the ass… but not because he’s bisexual but because he and his wife play D/s games and he’s just following orders. We’re not even gonna talk about the fact – and as admitted to by him – that this was the things always went when they played with other guys in the mix. I’ve seen and heard guys deny that they’re bisexual because while they will gladly and eagerly present their dick to be sucked and wouldn’t have any qualms about sliding homie into a guy’s butt, since they don’t suck cock and wouldn’t present their ass to be fucked, they’re not bisexual.
Hmm… sounds bisexual to me but what do I know?
I noticed a disconnect – and I use this word because I still can’t think of a better one and I’ve had a lot of years to think of one – where, on the one hand, we tend to live by the credo that actions speak louder than words… except when we’re talking about bisexuality; those who eschew the bisexual label stand firm on the position that their words – “I don’t consider myself to be bisexual” speaks even louder than their actions… and if you don’t find this to be kinda/sorta odd, I don’t know what else to tell you.
“I think, therefore, I am…” Now, I’m never gonna say that people don’t have the right to think of themselves in any way that makes them comfortable – I’m just the guy who’d ask them why they do. Historically, there’s a lot of pre-programmed shame plugged into us about having sex to begin with, like all those guys who’d want to start a fight if you implied that they ate pussy; they’d want to kick your ass for saying such a thing about them when, um, they did, in fact, eat pussy. So, on the one hand, it makes sense that when it comes down to how we like to get freaky, we’re not of a mind to reveal how that happens; it’s too personal, too private, none of your damned business. Thanks to decades (or longer) of homosexuals getting their heads handed to them (and, sometimes, literally) because of their sexuality, sure, it might not be a good thing to let others know (as a matter of course) that you swing both ways (except if you’re a girl – then it’s okay). So, publicly, it makes sense that a bisexual isn’t going to be of a mind to volunteer the fact that they’re happily bisexual – again, people hear “bisexual” and automatically think “homosexual” – but I’m still the guy who sits back and scratches his head to hear a guy say that he’s a submissive bottom who loves to suck cock and get his butt pounded and still enjoys sex with women… but the bisexual label doesn’t apply to him.
What? Hold up…
I’ve seen the definition of the word change to include the word “gender” (don’t get me started on this) and the implication that if you’re not having a same-sex relationship, you can’t possibly be bisexual. I’ve seen the word “pansexual” coined and, as best I can figure it out, it exists to better include gender in the mix – and I suppose transgendered folks – but, um, even transgendered folks can be bisexual. I’m aware that a lot of bi guys aren’t of a mind to be in a relationship with another guy; either it’s too gay for them or, in most cases, they can’t do this because they’re already in a relationship or, simply, it just does not suit their purposes to invoke a relationship. I’ve seen “Friends With Benefits” begin to morph from a convenience kind of thing – all the perks, none of the responsibilities (and headaches) to being just short of “Dave’s my boyfriend!” and invoking exclusivity as well. And it occurred to me that all of the people who are actually worried about this bisexual erasure bullshit are, in fact, kinda/sorta erasing themselves by saying, implying, and even demanding that the word does not apply to them and even insisting that it shouldn’t apply.
Perhaps the day will come when we – humans – won’t keep acting like moody children and accept the fact that whatever label you apply to yourself won’t be a major bone of contention… but that day ain’t here yet. More and more these days, I see newly arrived bisexual men (via the forum) who have that conflict within them about their bisexual thoughts and feelings; I’ve seen this conflict happen over a lot of decades and I’m of a mind that this conflict pops up and not because there’s really no such animal as a bisexual – it’s because that’s something that happens to other people… but now it’s fallen on them like the proverbial ton of bricks so, sure, it’s pretty fucking confusing and even upsetting – how did this happen to me and why? These guys will say that don’t believe that they’re gay but, man, that bisexual thing is a bitch to get one’s head around, ain’t it? And, yes, some guys will and have said that despite what they’re feeling and thinking, they don’t think the word “bisexual” applies to them.
The bisexuality haters have to be sitting back and laughing their asses off because by invoking this label angst, those who have it are doing the haters’ job for them; why should they work hard to disavow bisexuality when there are bisexuals who are more than happy and willing to disavow themselves? I’ve seen and heard folks say that the word doesn’t have,… real meaning or value… but all words have power (you know, just in case you weren’t aware of this) and in the world of human sexuality, “bisexual” has a great deal of power assigned to it. Are those who eschew the word aware of this power and, as such, unnerved by it… or is ditching the word and it’s meaning something we should be doing because it shouldn’t matter how we choose to live and love as long as we’re doing it?
I’m not sure and I may never be sure.
I’m from the old school; I’m not heteroflexible, homoflexible, bi with the right person (Jeez, this one is really cray-cray when you stop and think about it), nor am I socially bi: I am bisexual because, again, while the shoe isn’t a perfect, exact fit, I can wear it – it’s my shoe, after all. I look like a duck, quack like a duck, and because I am a duck and a duck who wouldn’t go as far to say that I’d never have a same-sex relationship (and more so since I did, in fact, have one in the past) because, um, you just never say never about too many things. Do I put any emphasis on gender? Fuck no and I just do not pretend to understand why this is as important as those who are redefining bisexuality insists it is… but what I know, what I’m fairly sure of, is that if bisexuality wasn’t a real-deal thing, um, there are a lot of people doing a whole lot of riffing about something that, supposedly, doesn’t exist.
Tell me if that doesn’t sound insane. The current and ongoing hype is that anyone who thinks of themselves as bisexual should just admit and confess that they’re homosexual; other forms of hype suggest (and often demand) that we pick a side and stay on that side – and once you pick that side, you cannot ever change your mind and decision about it. More hype: If you really believe that you’re bisexual, then you should let everyone know that you are and, if you don’t, well, you must not really be bisexual. Sure, right… like every bisexual on the planet is gonna do that while knowing that a lot of the world still doesn’t like anyone who isn’t heterosexual and are of a mind to put anyone who isn’t straight to death – or worse. I’ve been around long enough to have seen this erasure thing go from trying to erase homosexuality to, now, erasing bisexuality and the thing I see – and the thing I understand – is that not only did “we” fail to erase homosexuality, that failure will include bisexuality as well.
I’m just saying that we shouldn’t help the haters in their battle to erase us by not admitting to ourselves that those of us who are bisexual are, ah, bisexual. You don’t have to tell the whole fucking world that you are but bisexual erasure fails when one can admit to themselves that, yeah, I’m that duck – quack, quack. Are we invisible? Well, yeah,oddly enough and simply because you cannot look at a person and see anything that would tell you that the person being observed is bisexual and because of this, anyone could potentially be bisexual and you’d never know it. Your friends, family, neighbors, co-workers; the man or woman standing with you at Starbucks waiting to get their caffeine fix or waiting for the bus/train with you. Anyone you might come across, even in passing, could be bisexual so we’re not so much invisible as we are hiding in plain sight and as I said on the bi guy forum, the bisexuality haters are fairly shitting their pants and demanding that all bisexuals stand up and be recognized because they have no way to tell who’s bisexual and who isn’t. And history shows and proves that bisexuality ain’t as new as it’s purported to be – bisexuals have always been in the mix, haven’t they?
And that includes the bisexual haters themselves; just because they’re speaking out against bisexuality doesn’t mean a whole lot and, as one forum member said, ya tend to find out that the person who’s talking the most shit about bisexuality is hiding the fact that they know a lot more about bisexuality than they’re willing to admit – and I don’t know how many times I’ve seen this proven first-hand – but image is everything, after all.
I’ve been scribbling this for a while now so let me try to wrap this up. If you’re bisexual and the word gives you issues, you are well within your right to be bothered by it so if it makes you feel better about yourself to say that you’re not the duck you know yourself to be, as long as you’re happy with it, you’re good to go. I’m just and still the guy who’d tell you that there’s no real shame in being bisexual; you don’t have to admit it to everyone but, at the least, you should admit it to yourself – own it and the shoe that you can put on. I maintain that we – bisexuals – cannot be erased unless we allow ourselves to be erased; I also maintain that the notion that bisexuals and bisexuality doesn’t exist is pure and unadulterated bullshit – because I know that I exist… and I am bisexual. It’s been suggested and inferred that there aren’t any Black male bisexuals and I’m living proof that there are… and I know good and damned well that it is fucking impossible that in a world that has billions of people, I’m the only Black male bisexual.
And if there’s one bisexual, there are more bisexuals; otherwise, I ask this question again: If we supposedly don’t exist and bisexuality, as a sexual orientation, is invalid, what the fuck is all the ruckus about? Bisexuals are being shamed into being bisexual and to the point where they won’t admit to themselves that they are and since this is something that’s really happening, doesn’t it totally negate the position that bisexuality and bisexuals don’t and can’t exist? I think it does but it seems as if I’m the only one who thinks it does. Those who seek to erase us play on our fears; they insist that we’re either straight or gay… and they’re wrong and when we kick the word “bisexual” to the curb, it’s just my opinion that we’re making the haters’ case for them by being shamed into saying that we’re not the ducks we know ourselves to be.
This bi guy ain’t hearing any of that and more so because until I eventually die, I cannot and will not be erased and I’m never gonna help the haters erase me by saying I’m not the bisexual I know myself to be. They say we’re in denial about a great many things… and I feel pretty sure that if anyone is in denial, it ain’t us…