I’ve been writing about this for a while now, writing about a topic that tends to give some folks the creeps or otherwise makes them uncomfortable and, perhaps, providing some insight into this because someone has to do it – someone has to talk about the sexual elephant that’s never left the room. Over the last couple of years, I’ve been in contact with a whole lot of men, from guys who are still waiting to get into the game to guys who’ve been in the game for a while as well as guys who are, as I like to say, are late to the game; guys ranging in age from 25 (or so) to some guys who are in my own age group; guys from all parts of the world, from different cultures, some that have experimented in their youth and some who are just now getting around to that youthful experimentation.
I’ve seen what thrills them, what scares them shitless; I know what they dream about, what they desire in this and what makes them doubt themselves. I’ve seen them agree on many things, disagree on many more things and through all of this (and then some), I sometimes sit and think in a “comparing notes” kinda mode to look at bisexuality as I’ve come to understand it and how guys today are seeing it. At a high level, guys today are still worried about the same things guys worried about when I was growing up with bisexuality, from the bowel-loosening fear of being outed and drawing the ire of friends and family to the inability to find other and like-minded guys they can relate to (and, yes, have mad crazy sex with), right along with catching something they’d rather not want to catch.
I ask myself, “What’s different today?” and the one thing that stands out is the issue of being in a relationship, something that when I was growing up, eh, not many bi guys were even interested in, let alone wanted to talk about. “Back in the day,” sure, guys weren’t exactly opposed to having a guy they could turn to when, um, when dick is what the doctor ordered but it wasn’t so much of a requirement as it seems to be today. Back then, casual sex just made sense because, well, guys generally don’t mind casual sex but today there seems to be great angst about it to the point where hooking up with another guy for sex is seen as being meaningless, empty, and just not worth doing. Back in the pre-Internet days, the only way you knew a guy was into dick was by accident – and that’s provided a guy was “obviously” gay, mind you; today, there are apps and websites that will, if nothing else, put you in contact with literally millions of men who are fond of dick and pussy, either for the purpose of having sex or to just talk about having and living with this dual sexual – and sometimes emotional – need.
You’d think with all this information at hand, guys would have an overall better understanding of this… and I’m often surprised that they don’t; many of them put their “faith” in stereotypes and misconceptions that existed when I was growing up. Now, some of the available information is of the kind that even I would take with a block of salt – a grain of salt just isn’t enough when it comes to some of the stuff I’ve read. Back in the day, you knew – either by rumor or fact – that there were guys who went both ways… yet, today, there’s much ado about whether or not such guys (and gals, in case you’ve forgotten their involvement in this) really do exist but all that does is perpetuate a fallacy that was alive and well way back when I was growing up: If you weren’t straight, you absolutely, positively, undoubtedly had to be gay.
Really? Through all of my observations, it just continues to amaze me how we, on the whole, keeps believing something that’s been documented to not be true and if you don’t believe me, go Google “famous bisexuals” and see how far back in time the list will go. The truth is that bisexuals do exist… they’ve always existed but, yeah, sure, so much attention was placed on those damned homosexuals who were making a whole bunch of noise that bisexuals just got overlooked or, as it is still being said, bisexuals are just homosexuals who are in denial about being homosexual. I’ve seen the “war” between heteronormativity and homosexuality (as well as the casualties this war created) but with greater social acceptance of homosexuality, the new target of social and moral ire are those non-existent bisexuals who’ve seem to come out of nowhere, the damned greedy bastards and bitches! You’ve seen me write about how insane all of this angst is, that being, there are a lot of people arguing against something they say doesn’t exist while, at the same time, the attempts to apply heteronormative rules to a behavior that, at least in my opinion, isn’t a good fit, like the insistence that if you’re not having a same-sex relationship, you can’t possibly be bisexual. That and the insistence that if all you’re interested in is the sex that’s possible – but you’re not gonna be into the other person, well, fuck, no – no damned way you can be bisexual… that and bisexuals don’t exist in the first place.
Back in the day, if you were a bi guy, all you really wanted was to find another guy you could have sex with and, yep, even on the sly (aka the down low) because this is still seen as morally reprehensible behavior. Without a doubt, if you were married or otherwise hooked up with a woman, well, that was a problem – and it’s still a problem just like it’s still a problem with double standard implications, i.e., your woman can be bisexual and that’s fine… but you? Don’t even think about it, homey! I’ve seen couple have knock-down, dragged out arguments because girlfriend, who’s bisexual, insists that her getting some pussy on the side is, in “fact,” different from home boy getting some dick on the side; if she does, it’s not really cheating but if he does, well, may you burn in hell, you cheating, fudge-packing son of a bitch!
Today, everyone is quick to pull the disease card and slam it on table like they’re playing Spades. Yes, the risks are real but what I’ve been seeing over all this time is how many guys seem to believe that if they sucked a guy’s dick, they’re gonna instantly and fatally be infected with something. Indeed, there are CDC statistics that point the finger right at bisexual men for the rise in STDs… when, once upon a time, that same finger was pointed at homosexual men as a prime vector, especially HIV/AIDS. Still, those same CDC statistics also say that if you throw down in the same-sex mode, there’s a 4% chance that you might catch something… but it seems that not many people pay a lot of attention to this and choose to believe that if “Hank” and “Greg” get together and jerk each other off, it’s a guarantee that they will infect each other.
On the issue of bisexual visibility, there is a great cry throughout the land for bisexuals – and those bisexuals who, again, can’t possibly exist – to step forward and prove that you are what you say you are… even though it’s just as true today that if you stick you head up, you’re gonna get it shot off. I read about a lot of guys debating the pros and cons of bisexual visibility as well as theorizing that today’s biphobic behavior is some kind of fear of the unknown and that’d be true if bisexuality of any kind was something truly new under the sun… which it isn’t. It’s just that the Internet has taken this rather large planet and made it smaller in some aspects and it has made bisexuality a lot more visible than it was when I was growing up or, in this case, just because you don’t easily see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. And thanks to today’s technology, we can easily see that there are a lot of men (and women) who are embracing bisexuality as they question our current morality – and it is being questioned; the rules are still being transformed so that people can be bisexual – it’s just that today, you can see it happening when, back in my time, you couldn’t see it on such a large scale.
Today, coming out as being bisexual is just as “dangerous” as it was, say, back in the 1970s; your chance of being accepted are still quite slim. Women who come out as bi are being discredited as faking the funk – they’re just trying to get more attention from men and men who come out, well, they’re just perverts, plain and simple – no other way to put it, right? On the other hand, back in the day, if you were into dick, well, now, perhaps you weren’t as manly as you appear to be, huh? Today, that’s changed; if you’re not into the dick, well, perhaps you’re not as manly as you appear to be. In the old days, such behavior by men was seen as a loss of masculinity but we see today that men can get busy with other men and without any loss of masculinity and this kinda makes sense since I know – even if others don’t – it takes some very manly courage to play with another guy’s dick and even more to lie down and let some dude fill your backside with said dick.
So… where are we on this? In some ways we’ve been making progress and in other ways we’re still stuck in the same mindset even though humanity is more, ah, enlightened about such things than ever before. We see the tendency to stick with a certain belief about this when there’s so much evidence that says that what you believe isn’t the truth of things; men do, in fact, have sex with each other as well as having sex with women (and the other way around)… yet we continue to behave as if it isn’t supposed to happen and the singular – and even insular – belief that just because it’s not supposed to be done, it’s not being done… and shouldn’t be done. All in all, we are no more grown up about this as we were back when I was growing up… or before I was ever born. There’s more of a fight for social and moral acceptance and similar to what homosexuals went through and those who fought against homosexuality will, inevitably, lose this fight against bisexuality as well because time and history has shown that you cannot defeat human nature and suppressing this nature has never been effective and never will be.