RSS

Tag Archives: Relationships

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: “Why Won’t He/She…”

“…join me in this?”

You kinda/sorta don’t generally hear this question outside of the thing that if you’re bisexual, the first thing you wanna do is have a threesome. One of the things I’ve been aware of – and have been kinda curious about – are those bisexuals who’d be happy if their partner would jump in the pool with them… and then the partner asking about this often becomes frustrated because they don’t or, what tends to happen, they get their head handed to them for having the nerve to even suggest such a thing.

There are a lot of things that play into a non-bisexual partner not wanting to join the party. One is they ain’t like that and wouldn’t be for any reason. Another is the sanctity of the relationship itself and keep in mind that unmarried couples are held to the same standards as married ones are. Yet another is, um, yeah, they’ve been thinking about it for themselves but afraid to say anything about it. Now, for this one, you’d think that being asked to jump in with their bisexual partner opens the door for discussion… but that doesn’t always happen – it’s one of those, “Yeah, but…” things I like to point out at times.

I understand that when one has their bisexuality in hand it “makes sense” to bring their partner along for the ride with them… except the logic of such a thought rarely matches the reality of what the partner being invited is thinking. A guy asks why his woman doesn’t want to have sex with another woman and, really, you gotta scratch your head wondering why (1) he’d even ask this question and (2) why he doesn’t know the answer already.

Let’s see… she won’t do that because she doesn’t believe in it. Maybe tried it before and either liked it or didn’t – but now she’s in a relationship with you so all bets are off. Maybe she wants to but she’s not concerned about herself – but she’s worried about how her man is gonna behave with another woman in the mix. One of the biggest gripes bisexual women have is that their guy wants to be all up her business, from wanting to join them when they have sex to claiming he has the right to choose her partners for her. And let’s not overlook the obvious: Women aren’t known for their ability and willingness to share.

But neither are guys so much. Why won’t he jump in with his bisexual lady? He doesn’t believe in that shit, might be scared shitless to find himself being tagged as gay, and some guys actually are afraid that if they try it, they’re gonna like it. Ooh… scary stuff! Most guys can’t deal with sharing their woman with anyone else because of the rules of being in a relationship and being monogamous to fears of loss and being made to “look bad” – nothing will trash the male ego faster than a guy watching his lady with another guy and she’s having “more fun” with the other guy than she’s ever had with him and, of course, the fear is that some guy – or even gal – will have sex with her and it’ll be so good that she’s gonna ditch him in favor of the better and more exciting sex.

Why won’t/don’t they join the party? They don’t have to if they don’t want to! A lot of people pondering this ask what they can do to convince their partner to be “just as bi as they are” and, well, you gotta convince them; you’d have to be able to explain it all to them and convince them that going this way is going to be of great benefit to them or, as I’ve heard it asked, “What’s in it for me? What am I getting out of this?”

Most people have a very hard time answering this one and more so since, perhaps obviously, you’re asking them to do something that’s gonna be way out of the box for them. Even if ya happened to know that they were… party-goers in their past – and usually when they were single – well, that was then and it has no bearing on what’s going on now.

Some of the pushback and resistance that takes place is the asker being unable to really explain why their partner should be all up into something that has little or nothing to do with them… but everything to do with the person asking. So any discussion has to be framed and centered on us or give me a reason how me doing this is going to make things better for us. And, oh, yeah, “more sex,” while probably nice, isn’t the main answer and shouldn’t be the only answer.

And if you can’t put forth a very compelling and convincing response – and especially for someone who has no prior experience in this and other reasons why they haven’t even thought about it (except to say they’d never do it for any reason), well, chances are good that you’re going to be all by yourself in this and there’s a good chance that because you’ve brought this up and have revealed yourself to be bi, ya better not even think about sneaking behind their back to do any dirt ya might have in mind to do.

I hear people asking this and I tell them, “Good luck with that…” and I’m not being facetious or making light of the matter because the success rate in this is pretty much non-existent. I’d go as far to hazard the guess that if you had 100 couples facing this particular situation, you’d be doing something if 2 of them said, “Okay! Let’s try it and who knows – I just might like it!”

On the one hand, it’s an intellectual exercise that requires thought and logical processing… but the reason why it probably won’t happen is, again, more emotional than logical even though the emotional response appears to be based upon a logical decision because, sure – a person can think of a gazillion reasons why they wouldn’t want to get into any same-sex stuff.

And few reasons why it just might be a good thing to do. You’d be hard-pressed to convince someone how them joining the pool party is going to be good for the relationship and I’ve heard many say, “It’ll bring us closer together!” It would… if the person you’re asking could see them doing something they’ve been told never to do. Do people fantasize about doing the bi thing?

Yep, they do… doesn’t mean they’re gonna do it. You might be able to get the partner to admit that they do or have at any time fantasized about it but the thing about fantasies is that… they’re fantasies; figments of one’s imagination and all that. Presenting them with an opportunity to make that fantasy real? Convince them that it’s going to be in their best interest and in the best interest of the relationship.

And I really do wish you a lot of luck doing that. If ya don’t get told, “No fucking way – you done lost your goddamned mind!” you can probably consider it a minor “victory” to get a “Yeah, but…” kind of response from them – but that doesn’t mean that they’d consider it; that’s just them saying they understand what you’re saying… and here comes every reason they can bring to bear for why they’re not gonna do it.

It makes me wonder if bisexuals who ask their partner to jump in with them ever think about what it took for them to accept their own bisexuality and then get up the nerve to actually have sex like that. I wonder if the logic ever clicks in their heads to think, “Well, I had a hard time adjusting to it so they’re gonna have a hard time, too!”

And given all the angst and other bullshit being spread around against being bisexual, well, yeah – good luck trying to convince someone who isn’t bisexual that becoming bisexual is gonna be a good thing for them right along with, again, how them “going bi” is going to make the relationship better… and more so if they’re of a mind that there’s nothing “really wrong” with the relationship as it currently stands.

And, sometimes, even if things on the home front are… shaky, have fun trying to convince them that being bisexual right along with you is going to make things better. Now, it’s not as if one can’t muster the brain power to present a very compelling argument in favor of this but most arguments tend to fall apart during the “what if” phase of the discussion and you can bet anything you care to that you’re going to be asked “what if” kinds of questions you will not be able to answer… because there’s no way for you to know what the answers are.

“We’ll worry about that if/when we have to” is not a good answer. How does one answer, “What if I don’t like it?” How does one answer the even trickier thing of, “What if I like it… and I really like it?” And it is a trick because if you respond with, “Well, that means you like it and that’s the whole thing!” you just set yourself up for some shit down the road. It’s really a trick question and one that gets asked to see if you’ve really thought about the consequences, whether they’re good or not.

See, a lot of people who want their partner along for the ride tend to think short-term and not as long-term as is really required… because it’s a lot to think about and tends to require a crystal ball. They also think about this in ways that won’t cause the relationship to end or otherwise “go out of control” oh, like, they’ve gotten their partner to dive in and they not only like it but now they get “candystoreitis” and they want and need more… a whole lot more and in excess of what the asking partner wants and needs.

Some folks won’t even bring this topic up because they usually know that if their partner agrees, there’s going to be no containing them; they’re gonna want more than what’s been planned to provide, oh, like, going off on their own to get their bisexual fix whenever they need to.

I’m gonna tell you that if this isn’t something that crosses your mind – and you don’t have an answer for it or don’t have a plan in place to cover it, well, hmm, I think you should think about this… and think about it a lot. If you don’t get flat-out rejected asking them about this, yeah, you could be opening Pandora’s Box and now you’ve created a monster… and one ya might not be able to control.

If you’re brave enough, sure – you can ask them but if you believe that there’s no harm in asking, ya might wanna rethink that one. You might stand a better chance asking them for a heterosexual-like open relationship than you do asking them to become bisexual and “just because” you are. It’s difficult – and that’s putting it mildly – to convince someone who doesn’t have a “bisexual bone” in their body to try to be bisexual; it’s difficult to convince someone who is firmly and deeply rooted in monogamy to not be monogamous.

It’s difficult to put together a compelling and comprehensive argument for why they should do this. It’s at times and situations like this when one tends to find out that they really don’t know the person they’ve been in a relationship with. I know of a guy who put this on the table with his woman and because he heard her say that she’d sleep with that hot chick she saw on TV… then he found himself searching for his head after his lady lopped it off and sent it bouncing somewhere.

Just because your partner might say something like that doesn’t mean they’d want to actually do it. This whole thing calls for a level of conversation that is beyond deep: This is about as personal as it can get because you’re putting their beliefs, feelings, and personal views about themselves under a lot of stress… and stress they’re not gonna want to be bothered with. You’re probably asking them to do what is to them, unthinkable. And if you’ve not given this particular point a whole lot of thought and consideration, well, hmm.

Go ahead. Ask them to join you in being bisexual. Don’t get me wrong – some people actually do agree to it and for whatever reason makes sense to them. But usually and generally? Ain’t gonna happen and they won’t give a fuck about how eloquently you make your presentation. I’d say that there might be one slim glimmer of hope in that you could, after getting kicked to the curb on this now, ask them again later… and much later because, who knows – they could have reason at a later date to change their mind.

Or not. Why won’t they? They don’t want to. They don’t have to. They don’t need to and the biggest hurdle: They don’t believe in it. Now go on and do your best to both challenge and change someone’s beliefs in this… and you’ll better understand why I say, without any jokes or other shit like that, “Good luck with that one.”

You’re gonna need it.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on 29 April 2020 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

Tags: , , ,

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Emotional Loyalty

I think I’m about to take a trip across a minefield, in the dark, blindfolded, and both hands tied behind my a back while wearing steel-toed boots with two-inch cleats to write about this. So, fuck it – here goes!

A lot of years ago and on a now-defunct MSN chatroom for bisexuals, a guy shared with us that his wife divorced him (an ugly affair) not because he confessed to her that he was bisexual, not because he was running around having sex behind her back… but because he was guilty of emotional infidelity. He was thinking about all things sexual and bisexual with other people and along the lines of, “I wonder what it would be like…?”

He said that the judge agreed that her claim of infidelity was valid and took the guy to the cleaners and, as he said, left him with little more than the clothes he wore to court that day by the time it was all said and done.

I remember thinking, “How the fuck did that happen?” At the time, I couldn’t make any sense of what had happened to this guy and many of the membership had asked him if there was more to this than he was willing to share but I had remembered that in all of his posts, he made it clear that he was only “bisexual inside his head” and had no intentions to act on anything he could think about.

Going down the road, I’d occasionally see – and sometimes hear – about people being accused of emotionally cheating on someone and, at one point, conversations about this got to be hot and heavy and with both sides of the argument pretty much deadlocked on the matter. On the one side, it was being said that the rules of relationships didn’t cover what someone thought while the other side went all Old Testament and consistently quoted one of the Ten Commandments about not coveting which, even the way it’s written, does say, in short, thou shalt not want anything that doesn’t belong to you.

The “you better not even think about it” thing seems to be implied, depending on how one cares to interpret what that Commandment not only means but why it was written in the first place. Now, it’s a given that when you’re in a relationship, you belong to them “mind, body, and soul” although, heh, heh, there are some folks who’d bridle at such a level of ownership and we, generally, I guess, stand up for our right to think whatever we want to and having the wisdom or common sense to know that there are some things you might think about that you shouldn’t let come out of your mouth.

It took me a while to gather my thoughts about this and to see the disconnect at work and once I did, I was like, “Wow… you mean that you can’t really think about stuff if you’re with someone? What kind of craziness is that?” and I felt it was a valid question since, as far as I knew, there’s no way you can control what some thinks. But, yeah, I’d also seen plenty of evidence where people would do just that. At this point, that judge’s decision started to make sense even when, at the same time, it made no sense at all.

Years later, I’d see the movie, “Minority Report” starring Tom Cruise and the premise of that movie was if you thought about committing a crime, some tricked out machine would catch it and you’d be arrested and prosecuted for a crime you didn’t actually commit… except inside your own head.

One of the things I learned was that the whole “only love one person at time” thing was actually bullshit; how can one only love just one person when we don’t have any control over it… other than being told that it can’t and shouldn’t be done? We believe it and we try to live by it which usually sets the stage for some heavy-duty confusion when, one day, you’re madly in love with the person you’re with and you find that you’re actually in love with someone else – and the reason you are isn’t important at this point in the discussion.

Or you’ve been 100% faithful to your partner but, one day, while you were at the deli getting your favorite pastrami on rye (extra onion and mustard) and you happen to see someone else… and your body reacts to seeing them and your mind might even say, “Wow… they’re hot, sexy (or whatever)!” That doesn’t mean you’re gonna approach them and ask if you can jump their bones but, um, since we can’t control what’s going on inside our heads like we think we can (or are supposed to), sure – ya might think about it and, indeed, “have sex” with them and in the space of time it takes you to blink (about 300 to 400 milliseconds).

In that slice of time, did you commit the crime of emotional infidelity? Would you be surprised at the number of people who’d say that you did and even if the thought never crossed your mind, oh, let’s say, 401 milliseconds later? Many of us subscribe to this: You can look but can’t touch or it’s okay to window shop as long as you don’t get it into your head to try it on for size.

And there are a lot of people who subscribe to this: Don’t even look. Don’t even think about looking. I’ve seen guys and gals who are, presumably, under this rule who are probably making themselves crazy trying to not look at someone.

So this isn’t totally about being in love or being in a relationship as it is about being in total control of someone else. What’s being said, to some degree or another, is that your thoughts and feelings no longer belong to you and that your every thought and feeling should only be about and for the person you’re in a relationship with.

And while that just might sound all well and good, does anyone see how patently ridiculous this really is? If having such thoughts and feelings about or for someone else – even someone you happen to only see in passing – is considered to be emotional infidelity, wow – methinks that’s a “crime” everyone is guilty of and if you say that you’ve never had any thoughts like that, chances are I’m not going to believe you because another thing I learned is that if you say that you’d never have any thoughts like that, you have, in fact, thought about it even in that “I’m not gonna do that” way.

We fall in love with someone and, over time, those initial feelings get… diminished by a great many things including time itself. It happens. We sometimes realize that we love the person we with… but, eh, not as much as we did when we first met and fell in love. We have gotten to the point where we nitpick the shit out of a presumed difference between loving someone and being in love with them or, as I overheard a woman telling a guy – hers, I thought – “I love you but I’m not in love with you, okay?” or the other one that kinda cracks me up: “I’m in lust with you but I’m not in love with you, aight?”

So if “Pam,” who happens to be bisexual, is involved with “Greg” and they’re all nice and happy – but Pam is having thoughts, feelings and maybe even dreams of exploring her bisexuality with another woman – but has no intentions on actually doing it – is she guilty of emotional infidelity? Would she be even more guilty if, by chance, there was a particular woman she had these feelings for – and whether the other women knew it or not?

The funny part is that some people would say that poor Pam is not only guilty but guilty as fuck and should be ashamed of herself, you know, on top of being bisexual in the first damned place. Some might feel that Greg is being victimized and even emotionally abused because Pam isn’t all about him mind, body, and soul and that he should get rid of her the first chance he gets, her punishment for the crime of emotional infidelity.

It all plays into the misconception we all kinda buy into that says if you think it, you’re going to do it, well, unless you’re tuned in enough to understand that thinking and doing aren’t the same things but, sure, because it can be that way, we just assume it always works that way.

By declaring that there is such a thing as emotional infidelity, we are – and for some reason I don’t even pretend to truly understand – taking away a major part of what it means to be human. We think. We feel. We react to stimuli and, often, visually so. We’re not as much in control of ourselves as we’d like to think we are and to the point where we can tell and even admonish ourselves for, let’s say, feeling a rush of lust looking at someone who our minds tell us is our idea of sexy and lusty and clamp down on that thought and any follow-on thoughts… then feel some kind of way because we had the thought/feeling in the first place because, as everyone knows, you should only have those thoughts and feelings for the person you’re in a relationship with… and only them.

I know a woman who is very much in love with her husband; she fell in love with someone else and ever since that moment, she’s been beating herself over it and wondering how the hell it happened in the first place since, again, it’s never supposed to happen and, of course, her confusion and dismay only deepens because, um, it did happen.

It occurred to me that there’s a reason why some people get into a relationship and any/all friendships with other people get squashed and broken apart and due to how territorial we are in relationships and based upon the rules that are supposed to merge our lives together but more often than not serve to isolate us from friends, family, other acquaintances which plays into the curious behavior we display when we get into a relationship but find ourselves only relating to other people who are in a relationship as well.

And lord help you if one of your friends is also someone you happened to sleep with or have feeling a bit deeper than just being friends. You are expected, required and demanded to forget that they ever existed; you can’t even say their name lest you become guilty of the crime of emotional infidelity. If you’re walking down the street somewhere and you see someone who gets your attention, you’re guilty of this and more so if your gaze is on them longer than a couple of seconds. I have heard both men and women get their heads handed to them in public: “What? You think they look better than I do? I bet you wanna fuck them, don’t you?”

Ever hear this one before? I’m sure you have. You’ve just been found guilty of a crime. “Do you think she’s pretty/he’s handsome?” Guilty of the crime of emotional infidelity and that question is a trap; you’re fucked if you answer it and you’re fucked if you don’t.

Sigh… and I mean a really deep one that borders on hyperventilation. The fact that, try as we might, you cannot control or do a damned thing about what someone is thinking or feeling and you sure as fuck cannot do shit about the purely human thing of being attracted, in some way, to someone other than the person you’re in a relationship with. The funny part is that many of us will “hurt the shit” out of ourselves to not have this very human and natural reaction. And because we do, in fact, are very aware of this, we wind up developing a lot of insecurity and self-doubt and start thinking of all kinds of shit and to the point of accusing our partner of many forms of infidelity… that they haven’t even done and, sometimes, a few things that we’re not even aware of, like, your eyes see a good-looking man or woman and your brain registers this and at the speed of thought, well, some shit goes on inside your head but because you’re doing something else that requires your full attention, you just might not be aware of it or it hits you later that, hey, that person was kinda hot.

And if you’ve ever had this happen to you, yep – you could be found guilty of emotional infidelity. If you have a friend that’s close to you and close enough for your friendship to be at intimate levels – not sexual, mind you – where you know some very personal shit about each other, you could be deemed guilty of emotional infidelity and if you happen to be bisexual, well, you’re hosed… even if you know good and damned well that doing whatever you happen to be thinking will be very detrimental to your relationship.

The sad truth is that we’ve made this a very real thing and love has nothing to do with it. It’s about control; it’s about the word “ownership” in that you belong to me mind, body and soul and there is no one else you should ever want and need other than me. The truth is that, um, it doesn’t work like that. I’ve had women tell me that if I didn’t look at that gorgeous woman who just walked by, well, there’s gotta be something wrong with me and I’ve told women that if they didn’t sneak a peek at that good looking guy standing over there, well, honey, is there something wrong?

Are they – or even myself – guilty of anything? Actually, no… unless being human is a crime. I’m sure there are those of you who are gonna read this and maybe offer up their own thoughts about it and start talking about specific scenarios that proves that emotional infidelity is a very real and serious crime. Should our hypothetical Pam, who is in a relationship with the equally hypothetical Greg have… intimate conversations with another woman and, if she does, is she guilty of emotional infidelity?

Many would say that she is; those kinds of conversations are for Greg’s ears only, right? That Pam has no business or right to be feeling “that way” about anyone that Greg? That she should be in total, complete control of her thoughts and feelings at all times? That should she have such thoughts means that Pam is disloyal?

That her real “crime” is being human? The tenets of monogamy are both clear as well as a matter of interpretation – who’s definition of monogamy are we working with? Monogamy controls what we do… and it is presumed to control what we think and feel and specifically if/when our thoughts and feelings aren’t totally and completely about the person we’re in a relationship with.

And it really doesn’t work that way and more so if it’s true that your thoughts and feelings are yours and no one, presumably, can tell you what to think or feel. But we try to do it anyway… and I’m the guy who’d ask if this makes any sense to find someone guilty of a crime of this magnitude when the reason is purely human in nature. We engage with others one-on-on – monogamously – because we’re told this is the only way to do it. You are expected, required, and demanded to forsake everyone else in your life for that one person and I’ll be dipped in shit if we don’t go out of our way to do that… even when we all can point to moments and situations where we haven’t done that. In that 400 milliseconds, a whole lot of shit can go on inside our heads just by looking at someone – and how many of us have kicked our own asses because the mere thought crossed our minds in that very brief moment of time?

How many of us have avoided being close friends with someone else? Broken off or had shredded long time relationships with other people? Have had a wall put up to distance ourselves from friends, family, past loves and lovers? And because we are aware that we could find ourselves tried and found guilty of emotional infidelity?

Is cybersex – including phone sex – an act of emotional infidelity? A lot of people say that it is even when there is no real physical contact going on, well, unless you’re getting yourself off while it’s happening. Is our Pam guilty because she’s in love with “Gail…” but she’s in love and in a relationship with Greg? Many would say that she is guilty on all counts.

And my question to you all is… why? Another question is are we really that insecure or, really, slavishly tied to a concept – and, perhaps, even that arrogant that we fully believe that we can control what someone else is thinking and feeling and that they are guilty of something and so much that even if you asked them what their intentions are – and the answer is there are no intentions – well, they’re guilty of having them anyway because we do believe that if you think it, you want to do it and you’re gonna do it.

I’ve wandered into the minefield – who wants to join me? But before you suit up, I’d like for you to consider something you’ve seen me write time and time again: There’s the way things are supposed to be… and then there’s the way things really are. Okay… suit up and walk the minefield with me.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on 23 April 2020 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

Tags: , , , ,

Life, Living and Loving: A Royal Pain in the Ass

One of the things that drove me batshit crazy was having to explain why I had “two wives,” one I was legally married to and the other in spirit. If I hadn’t already known how most people look at marriage and relationships, I would have been bitch-slapped and with great, devastating effect over what I’ve heard people say about the way we were handling our relationship.

Most – and not surprisingly – didn’t give a fuck about why things were the way they were; they didn’t care to be bothered with the details, thinking that what we were doing was something that “just happened” instead of accepting that the situation we were in had actually begun many years before and at one specific moment in time.

I got so very sick and tired of the blame for this… ungodliness dropped on my head and being cast in the role of some kind of megalomaniac and one that was really full of himself, you know, like I was God’s gift to women or being such an asshole to have conned two women into being my harem and other such bullshit that would, in the early going, would make me want to bury my foot in their asses up to my knee.

If I hadn’t already known that you can explain something to someone in very great detail and the end result would be that you just spent a whole lot of time pretty much talking to yourself, I would have been beyond exasperated at how dense some people can be, that and how slavishly they hold onto to a relationship concept that, we found, looks good on paper but doesn’t always work the way they say it’s supposed to be.

I got so tired of people telling me what we should have done and I really got tired of the many unmarried people who had a lot to say about it. For the married folks giving me a raft of shit about it, good lord… I got so sick and tired listening to them telling me what they wouldn’t have done – but I’d often get a measure of satisfaction when I throw them a fastball and ask, “Did I ask you what you would do?”

It’s really a royal pain in the ass when you tell the truth about something… and no one believes you. Why in the name of all that’s holy did I decide to do this? Well, I didn’t – I just agreed to it because it made sense. Why isn’t one woman enough for you? Well, who said this was the case? Did you hear the part when I said that doing this wasn’t my idea? Did you not hear me when I said that before I agreed with this, I was throwing out everything I could think of that could go wrong like it was confetti? Did you miss the part where I had said, once the conversation started, “I have a bad feeling about this…?”

Oh, dear lord… the looks we’d get whenever we were out and about. People aren’t stupid in that some can really take a look at something and they just know that they’re looking at something that’s more than three people out shopping or whatever; they can sense that we were more than friends and more than good friends. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I “died” with the looks I’d get from both men and women, married or not. I’d see them looking at me and I could tell what they were thinking.

And while there were times I’d get that “you lucky bastard!” look, yeah, more often than not, I’d suffer death by eyeballs. One day, some strange lady actually stopped me and asked, “Why are you doing this to those poor women?”

Wait, what? I started to tell her to mind her own fucking business but that would be rude even for me so I said, “I’m not doing anything they didn’t want me to do and if you don’t believe me, go ask them; trust me, they will tell you.”

The look on her face was priceless; I could see her mind trying to parse this and I could tell she was having a really hard time trying to take what she believed in and equate it to what she had obviously sensed just by looking at us. She started to give me some shit but I cut her off by saying, “Look, just leave it alone; you can say whatever you want to but I can and will tell you that whatever you say, it’s not going to change anything and if you wanna push it, you’re not going to like how I respond to it. Just leave it alone. We’re doing it and we’re happy. Mind your business.”

Explaining it to our families. Believe it or not, that was actually easier than I thought it would be and, of course, I was the one tasked with explaining it. Lucky me, huh? They all said two things: One was, “I hope you know what you’re doing” and the other was, “As long as y’all are happy.” To the first, fuck no – I had no idea what the fuck we were doing but I was working hard to figure it out and, for the other, yeah – we were happy.

Whatever “bad” thoughts our families may have had were left unsaid, not that it would have changed anything for us; we were committed to doing this crazy-assed thing and to the best of our abilities.

Now, some of the people we knew that either figured it out on their own or we told them, they were cool about it and some of them were… “envious” and said that, wow, they wished they could do something like that. Once it was explained to them, they agreed that it made sense for us to pool our resources in this way… and, at least with the guys who knew, yeah – I was the luckiest motherfucker ever born to be able to sleep with – literally and sexually – two women every night.

I’d be “off on the side” and the women would be talking to other women… and you know what they say about your ears burning? My whole body would be engulfed in flames and sometimes I’d look in their direction and all of them would be looking at me in a way that, well, to say it made me feel uncomfortable didn’t begin to cover it. Let me see if I can explain it: When a bunch of women – including the ones you’re involved with – are looking at you with a predatory kind of look and one that says if they could, you’d get shredded by all of them, yeah – it makes you feel some kind of way and not a good one.

One of the girls’ friends said to my face, “I’d trade places with one of them in a heartbeat.” They smiled… and I had a great urge to be somewhere else. Can you imagine what it feels like to hear the ladies laughing and giggling – while looking at you – and you know what they’re talking about?

I got to a point where I’d be aware of the negativity and I’d just ignore it. Someone would ask, “What the fuck is going on with y’all?” and I’d say, “You really don’t want to know…” because I really did get very tired of explaining it. One person we all knew walked up to me and started to ask, “Are the three of you…?” and I cut them off by saying, “Yes, we are, okay? Just leave it alone or, if you really wanna know, go ask one of them.”

As I said earlier, my biggest issue with this was dealing with the perception that I was the reason why this was happening. One woman gave me the impression that she wanted to kick my ass for having the nerve to put together a harem – who the fuck did I think I was?

And very much unlike me, I laid into her; to say I read her the riot act doesn’t even come close to the scathing response I let loose on her. I didn’t cuss… a whole lot but I did climb in her ass about how fucking stupid and ignorant she was for, one, sticking her nose in our business and, for the other, being so obtuse and close-minded to not accept the truth when I said this wasn’t my idea to begin with – I just agreed that it was the best way to proceed and despite any misgivings I had.

Yeah, I hurt her feelings and badly. Yeah, I felt pretty shitty after the fact but she had it coming because one thing I learned is that friendly persuasion is nice… but nastiness gets better results. She said to me, “I hope you burn in hell!”

And I said, “That’s probably a given so I’m not worried about it…” then walked away and feeling all kinds of very sharp implements stabbing me in the back. And I didn’t give a fuck one way or the other. I’d had enough of this crap and no more Mr. Nice Guy. If you didn’t like what we were doing, fuck you – all you can do is not like it. Don’t believe that things went down the way I said they did? Not my problem and you’d be wise not to try to make it my problem or, as I said to one couple, “Do you really want to go there with me about this? Do you?”

The three of us would often sit down and talk about what others were saying about us; sometimes we’d laugh our asses off and sometimes we’d wonder what part of “We’re doing this because we want to” didn’t they understand? I’d sometimes feel some kind of way because the two of them, more often than not, got more positive feedback than I was getting but, okay, yeah – I’m the bad guy here.

One of my friends asked me, “Do you regret it?” And, honestly, I did… but not really. Was this one of the hardest things I’d ever done and the most insane thing I’ve ever been involved in? You bet your ass it was. How was I managing things? Finely so… and not so much. Guys would say how lucky I was and I’d respond by saying, “Is that what you think?” On the one hand, yes – lucky beyond belief… but if you thought it was a picnic dealing with two women with similar, yet very different personalities and all that, you need a wakeup call.

Okay… the sex. Incredible and complicated as fuck – and that’s being nice about it. No less than twice a day, damned near every day. One guy said, “Dude, they gotta be wearing your ass out!” and I said, “You have no idea – you really don’t.” I knew a lot of guys – in particular – were of a mind that having threesome sex with two women is the holy grail of having sex… but without understanding how incredibly difficult it really is. I got humbled, embarrassed; I’d feel inadequate, ineffective and a few other things I have no words for but I didn’t give up trying to do my best with, to, and for two women who had very different thoughts and feelings about sex as well as differing needs. Sounds like fun? Well, honestly, it really was… and not so much when I’d find myself dealing with the expected complaint that one was getting more than the other.

Having sex with them pushed me to my limits and beyond. I recall getting up for work one morning and looking at myself in the mirror… and to say that I look haggard and rough was being nice. In one week alone, I got pushed to the brink of total exhaustion between having sex with one or both of them every day and night to dealing with their ideas of what having sex with each other had to be and look like. As a part of a song goes, “I had complaints but too few to mention…” and I did get complaints and it was always about doing it more… and more. I’m one guy and, by the way, asking for another guy to join us so I could get some help with them was out of the question.

One guy said to me, “You’re living every man’s dream, you know that, don’t you? A lot of guys would kill to have what you have!”

I said, “If they knew what I know, they’d kill themselves trying to avoid it; this ain’t as easy as it sounds.”

I learned so much and a lot of it wasn’t easy to swallow. Mistakes were made and I made more than my fair share of them, too. But even I had to stop kicking my own ass over the mistakes I made when I had to admit and realize that we were doing something that none of us knew how to do; we were just going with the flow of things and while, in my mind, it was implied that there were going to be potholes along the road, they were such that I don’t think any of us could really imagine.

And while we were working on the internal stuff, there was still the external stuff that was still a royal pain in my ass, like people telling me what marriage is supposed to be and refusing to give any thought to the realization that a marriage – any marriage – is only going to be as good as both people are willing to make it and, as such, the way it’s supposed to be just does not come close to covering the ability and need – when it arises – to do whatever you gotta do to make it the best it can possibly be… and even if it looks the like biggest mistake ever.

The thing is… we did it. For a whole lot of years. For better or worse. Maybe even against all odds. Then three became four and while some things got better, some things were just even more complicated and complex. Things went well… and they didn’t. I’d be asked, “Why would you even try this?” and the only answer I could – and would – give was, “Because it had to be tried and done.”

I remember the night it all went down and I was asked, “What… you saying you’re not up to the challenge? That you can’t handle it?” Oh, it’s game on! Was I up to the challenge? Yes… and not so much which is why, today, I say with great conviction that if I knew then what I know now, yeah – I still would have said, “Okay… let’s see what happens!”

Insanely and given all that I experienced in this, I would do it again because there’s something about being a part of something that is much bigger than yourself and your partner. It’s… belonging. It’s being so far out of the box that you can’t see what the box looks like. It’s about an intimacy that goes beyond sex, to love and be loved in ways that few people can imagine and more so when people still tend to believe that being married can only go one way and monogamously so. I learned that monogamy doesn’t work they way they say it should; I learned that it’s very inhibitive and prohibitive and makes you ask questions like, “How are we supposed to (add something here) when they say you’re not supposed to do it, let alone think it?” What happens when two people look at each other and ask about how and what can they do to make their lives better, richer, fuller, exciting, etc., well, that gets to be a problem because what you might be able to do, the rules prohibit it.

Sigh. The internal issues are what they are and inherent in any relationship; you’re gonna get along fabulously and be at each other’s throats over this, that or the other. You learn to deal with them as best you can but, again and still, the royal pain in my ass was other people and being told that we couldn’t do what we were doing and all that other shit. I’d be asked, “Don’t your vows mean anything to you?”

Of course they did and especially the for better or worse part. When I was sitting down and thinking about, one, what the hell did I just get myself into and, two, how was I gonna make this work, I thought about that part and, not for the first time, asked myself why “worse” has to be worse when it’s implied that you’re supposed to do all you can do for your partner? If ya had more better than worse, well, what difference does it make when it comes to the form that “better” winds up taking?

And this kind of stuff is what really had me sitting up at night and wondering what was wrong with everyone else that they couldn’t see that being married, despite what the vows say or not, means doing everything humanly possible to stay together and, yeah, even unto death does us part if that’s the way it goes down. Why was it automatically assumed that I was the bad guy in this since, “duh,” this just had to be my idea and I coerced everyone else into doing it?

And I’d sigh and try to put it in the back of my mind, knowing full well that when the sun rose in the morning – and if it hadn’t already – there would be more of the same shit being tossed our way about doing that which should never be done. Another day of me rolling my eyes to hear someone telling me that they’d rather get divorced than to do some shit like that and even if it meant throwing away a good relationship. Another day of my patience and tolerance being tested by people insisting that I didn’t know what I was doing, how selfish I was, conceited, arrogant and other shit – and shit coming from people who may have known of me… but didn’t know shit about me… or the women who were a part of my life.

Best thing I’ve ever done… and the most insane thing. I loved it. Hated it. It was as much uplifting as it could be depressing at times and, yeah, there were many a day where I wanted to say, “Fuck it – we’re not doing this anymore!” But it was personal and, yeah, a bit of ego because for me to say that meant that I couldn’t handle it, that I wasn’t equal to the challenge presented. I can admit when I can’t do something… but this? This I could do… if I could figure out the optimal way to do it. The good part? I did figure it out. We did make it work for well over twenty years, for better or worse, in sickness and in health until we couldn’t make it work.

Such is life and this experience taught me some shit about life that, perhaps, I wouldn’t have been aware of had I not experienced it. Life really is way too short and short enough that saying, “Fuck the rules!” is better than being at the end of your life and thinking about what might have been or regretting not doing something when you had the chance to do it. It taught me that if/when you love someone, nothing is impossible and everything is negotiable and, really, if you’re not gonna do everything that’s humanly possible to make your relationship the best it can possibly be, what the hell are you doing? Why are you not thinking like this and more so when, at some point, you realize the relationship needs help and more help than the two of you can bring to bear?

Because you’re not supposed to. Ever. For no reason and even if your very survival depends on doing something so out of the box it’s said to be impossible. It reinforced what “being in love” really meant and what it means to be committed – not to the institution but to the person you married and the one you promised to do everything in your power for up to and including trading your life for theirs.

Makes what we did look easy… and it wasn’t. You think just being married is hard? It isn’t… being more than married is. It’s the ultimate relationship, hands down which, oddly enough, a lot of people are “just now” beginning to realize and try their hand at. Works for some and, sadly, is a disaster for others and I think the biggest thing I learned from this is not what you do: It’s how you go about doing it. It’s the thing that I will forever say that you have to be grown up enough and be able to unlearn every damned thing you thought you knew about love, sex, and relationships so you can learn a whole new way of doing it.

And even if you can, one thing remains true: Your relationship is only going to be as good as you, collectively, can make it. Others are going to talk shit to you about it, either behind your back to your face; they’re gonna tell you how wrong you are, how fucked up you are and, yeah, y’all must be out of your ever-loving minds. And you keep your own counsel every step of the way and learn not to let the negative shit you will surely encounter bother you and yours.

Stay the course. Live and love together for as long as you can and the best way you can. Why? Life’s too short and tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on 22 April 2020 in Life, Living and Loving

 

Tags: , ,

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Loyalty

https://acquiescentsoulblog.wordpress.com/2020/04/21/how-can-you-be-loyal-to-your-partner-when-you-want-both/

Acquiescentsoul wrote this because of the question it asks and as asked by someone he knows. I saw it, read it, thought he expressed himself rather nicely on the matter so instead of commenting, I took a big sip of coffee and thought, “Lemme write about that…”

The perception is that bisexuals are disloyal and cheating people with bad commitment issues and as such perceptions go, it’s only partially true – we still are so petty that when we bad mouth something, we always go with the parts that are real and truly fucked up, lump some more stuff/people into it and, with righteous indignation, declare that if one bisexual is like this, they’re all like this.

The truth is that there are a lot of bisexuals who are as bisexual as the day is long… and they are 100% loyal and faithful to their partner and wouldn’t be anything less than that because this isn’t so much about the rules of the game but a matter of honor. There are also a lot of bisexuals who are in alternative relationships which allows their relationship to keep going strong as well as allowing any needs in this regard to be taken care of.

The clueless people never want to hear or talk about anything other than the perception and many won’t even bother to do what I did when I saw the title of the blog, namely, instantly understand that wanting both doesn’t mean you’re gonna get it… or that you want to get it. In a lot of situations, sure – a bisexual might want both but what they usually wind up getting is a lot of headaches due to the frustration over not being able to get what they want because their honor trumps the needs of the flesh for them.

One of the curious things about bisexuality is how it just seemed to not only broaden someone’s horizons regarding sexuality, it also seems to open one’s mind to the possibilities and there’s some “built-in” kind of thing that makes a newly minted bisexual just want to get out there and be all bisexual. The perception is that no bisexual can resist the urge to get all freaky and the sooner, the better; the truth is many do resist the urge and, really and honestly, would rather err on the side of caution and let the urge go unattended lest they wanna find themselves no longer in a relationship and getting lawyers involved.

The thought of stepping outside of the relationship is anathema to them; it can’t be done, it shouldn’t be done and there is no reason in the world that they can justify that will make them break the bond of their relationship. They’d rather deal with the temptation than to push their luck and tempt fate because, as everyone knows, if you do that, only bad things will happen.

Doesn’t mean that these worthy individuals don’t want both; oh, they most certainly do but since they’re not allowed to, they won’t do anything to try and get it. When it comes to relationships, one of the words that comes up is sacrifice or, to quote a line from one of my favorite movies, “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few… or the one.”

You are expected, required, and demanded to give up that which you might want that just might run counter to the rules of engagement when in any kind of monogamy-based relationship. It makes no difference if by doing so you wind up being in anguish over making such a sacrifice because the needs of the many – the two of you – will and should always outweigh the needs of the few or the one: You, specifically.

One of the other things bisexuals in a relationship winds up discovering is that monogamy sucks and if they didn’t have what I’d call a real notion of what being monogamous means – in the letter and spirit of things – you can bet whatever you care to wager that they understanding better than most. It is, indeed, the absolutely, positively, worse situation for a bisexual to be in, to have this very powerful urge and need churning away inside of them… and there’s nothing they can do about it.

Which, of course, isn’t true because some bisexuals can easily figure out what can be done… if they’re willing to, again, tempt fate and in a way that can be like sticking an arm or a leg into a running wood chipper. And, yes – many would just love to tempt fate and take their chances… and they don’t. They won’t. Not for all the tea in China or all the money in the world because to go back on their word and be seen as dishonest, disloyal and all that just isn’t worth the aggravation.

Just like thinking and doing aren’t the same things, wanting and having aren’t either; we often say that if wishes were horses, beggars would ride or, kind of crudely and as I read in a favorite book, “Want in one hand and piss in the other and see which one gets filled up first…”

Even though there’s a “trend” these days where a lot of people in relationships have figured out that they can retain and maintain their relationship while inviting others to join them in their relational bliss, there remains a great many people who just aren’t gonna do that even when the potential is there and even if doing things like this can be logically inferred to be a better option than just the two of them against the world.

The perception about this is that it’s just about the sex; the truth is that it’s about more than just the sex. The perception that such… arrangements are highly immoral but the truth is that before the advent of the rules prohibiting such arrangements, it’s the way humans use to live and exist. Two people can get some stuff done… but if you get more than two people working toward a common goal, oh, like surviving, well, your chances of doing that becomes better, provided you can get and keep everyone working toward the same goal and the sex, such as it may be, is some pretty tasty gravy.

Things like open relationships and polyamory goes against the rules of any relationship but the fact remains that over all this time – and flying under the radar – such changes and adaptation of the rules have always been going on. I can remember when “hippy communes” were “all the rage” and how many people ranted and raved against the basic premises of a whole lot of people living and working together like a single entity… and sex was handled in a very open manner and gleefully so… and just as it was, again, before the prohibitions were instituted.

Because there were – and probably still are – a lot of cults that operate in a similar way, well, we know that this isn’t a good thing and the truth is that some cults really are as fucked up as they eventually appear to be and since we know this, any… consolidation of people who have decided that “a bunch of us getting together and working toward a common goal” is seen as, well, some seriously fucked up shit and it’s assumed it’s being done in some very heinous ways.

Not in every situation, though, and if you don’t want to believe me, go ask DDJennifer and some of the other bloggers here who have defied the rules of engagement, have created their own rules, and they’re happy and prospering… and having sex like it’s gonna be declared illegal and in as many combinations they care to.

The “holy grail” of bisexuality is not only to be in a relationship and able to get what you want… but if you can convince your partner that this would be a good thing for them, so much the better. Except – and as I’ve written – that’s a lot easier said than done… even if your partner happens to want both but honor, along with the strict adherence to the rules, say that they must sacrifice what they may want for the “good” of the whole.

And even if, in their mind, doing that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

Bisexuals may appear to be slaves to their libido but they’re also “slaves” to their beliefs when it comes to relationships and if they believe that doing some sundering goes against their beliefs, they’re not gonna do it and even if, again, the two of them sit down, take stock of their situation, and theorize that if they were to get into something like that, not only would some needs get taken care of – and can pave the way for future and yet unknown needs – if nothing else, if, say, four of them were to work together and pool their resources, yeah, that could work.

I see on the forum where a lot of guys make themselves sit on the bench for the sake of their relationship. They want to get out there and do what they want but not at the expense of their relationship and their personal honor. They won’t cheat, they won’t ask for permission, and they are sacrificing their wants and needs at the alter of monogamy because no matter what, it’s the right, proper, and moral way to do things. For some of those guys, you can’t even get them to agree in theory that there’s another way to do this without trashing the relationship.

Wanting both isn’t really disloyal unless you subscribe to the notion that if you even think about wanting something other than what your partner is willing or able to provide, well, you’re just as wrong and as if you actually did it. People talk about emotional infidelity and they have little or nothing good to say about it because the rules say you cannot do any coveting… except, how do you control what someone is thinking and feeling. As sure as shit is what it is, we do, in fact, try to do just that and often with unseen and deleterious impacts.

I’ve heard people say, “I want (add whatever they want) but, fuck, I know I’ll never be able to get it so what’s the point in wanting it?” Truth is that you always want what you want… doesn’t mean you’re gonna get it and, yeah, sometimes, if you wanna get it, ya might have to, ah, break some rules. The premise behind relationships is two becoming one and at the cost of one’s individuality – the sacrifice everyone knows about. Whatever “you” want doesn’t matter unless what you want is something your partner also wants and if they don’t – and they deny you – well, end of discussion and why are you such a selfish asshole (or cunt)? What about my feelings? What about what I want? Why does shit always have to be about you?

You get the picture and I’m fairly certain that there isn’t anyone who is reading this who hasn’t had this conversation before and no one who hasn’t just thought along these lines. And therein lies the problem for bisexuals – really everyone – and just lends itself to the thought that if someone in the relationship – or, by chance, both participants – want both, they’re being disloyal for wanting both and it’s being assumed that because they want it, they’re gonna do everything in their power to get it and the rules be doubly damned.

It is partially true – some do just that and even by conspiring together to trash some rules. Many don’t. They just will not do it and no matter how much harm comes to them. They sacrifice themselves at the alter of monogamy even when the instinct of self-preservation asks, “What the fuck are you doing? You’re really screwing us up big time!”

We hold true that sacrifices must be made for the good of the whole and if some shit goes badly because the sacrifice as been made, well, that’s just the way it has to be. A great many bisexuals believe this as firmly as they believe the sun rises in the morning and sets in the evening (except in those locales where the sun actually doesn’t do that).

They resist the temptation to get what they want even when they know – and if no one else does – they’re also doing themselves great harm and then harm that they convince themselves isn’t actually happening to them. They get depressed, might turn to doing drugs or drinking in excess; some become irritable, moody, even violent; some retreat into a shell and are diminished in a great many ways while wondering why life is treating them so unfairly.

Being bisexual, by comparison, is stupidly easy; being bisexual in a relationship is anything but. Is it disloyal to want both? No and I don’t particular care if someone disagrees with this. The disloyalty comes when one actually does something about what they want and their relationship cannot give them; it’s just easier for us to think that if someone wants to do something, they’re gonna do it, the selfish, uncaring bastards/bitches. That means they don’t really love me, don’t really want me, I’m not enough for them, so on and so forth… well, until they happen to find themselves in a similar situation where they want something and the rules say that they can’t have it and regardless to how badly they have to have whatever it is.

Whole different story now, huh? The vicious cycle then comes full circle and will keep circling until the people involved do something to stop it… and usually in the form of dissolving the relationship because we all know that this is the only way.

No wonder it’s being said that bisexuals suffer from mental illnesses because, yep, it makes you pretty ill to be in a relationship and want something that the relationship cannot and will not provide and, yep, many bisexuals would rather deal with this than to be disloyal to what it means to be monogamous.

And they’ll deal with this rather than seeing themselves – or being seen – as being without honor.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on 21 April 2020 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

Tags: , , , ,

Life, Living and Loving: Opening the Box (and some TBT Stuff)

That some bisexuals in a relationship become interested in open relationships isn’t surprising. It sounds insane but in a lot of way, it makes sense to ask for permission rather than to beg for forgiveness. Now, sexuality isn’t the only reason for opening the box – and if you wanna think of it as opening Pandora’s Box, you’d not be wrong about that.

People have reason to open things up but at a very high level of thought – and I mean high as in at the edge of space high – it comes down to taking care of needs, both your own and those of your partner. At some point, everyone in a relationship gets to the place where they realize that there’s only so much the two of them can do together and putting their noses to the grindstone and taking care of business puts them into a rut, a repetitive loop where they find themselves pretty much doing the same thing each and every day and without any real sense of variety other than what one’s “normal” day can bring to things.

Most notable is the fact that somewhere along the line, sex and other intimacies start to drop off both in quantity and quality – loads of reasons for this that I’m not really going to get into in any real detail at this time. Conversations become more… generalized, tend to be business-like – when are we gonna get the car fixed, what’s for dinner – you know the kind of conversations I’m talking about, right?

And where having sex, in the beginning, was quite “automatic,” now someone finds themselves having to ask the other person if they feel like having sex and can find themselves getting turned down more than they did before they got hooked up and was out there dating.

How many of you have had the, “What can we do to spice things up again?” conversation? How many of you know that this question needs to be asked but are afraid to ask it? Usually – and I mean “usually” in a general sort of way – the plan is to return to being more involved with each other – more sex, more talking to each other that’s not daily routine kind of stuff; getting out for date nights (and especially if you have children) and, together, trying to rekindle the hotter-than-the-sun fires that torched the two of you when you first met.

Some people manage to do it and some even manage to do it for an extended period of time before and eventually, they fall back into the rut again and the rekindled spark fades away once more. Some folks are actually bold enough – or a great glutton for punishment – to propose that what might be a good way to fire things up again is to open the relationship so that, at the very least, the things they can’t “take care of” for each other – or aren’t doing a good job with – well, they can get some outside help…

Which is pretty much forbidden, right? The odd thing about this is that when things have gotten to the point where this is thought about and/or presented, it’s not as if both people don’t know that doing something like this just might be what the doctor ordered; it’s just one of those things that should never be done even if, by doing so, the relationship can be preserved, renewed, and refreshed.

And the first problem to crop up – if you’re “crazy” enough to mention it – is bringing it up in the first place… and then trying to explain why it’s being mentioned. I mean, before you even decided to be very brave and bring it up, you’ve had some time to practice your speech inside your head and covering all of the pros and cons that you think will benefit the both of you… but pros and cons that, in some cases, you really don’t have any hard facts to support things because when you get stuck in the rut, that level of communication is usually the first thing that falls into a crack and never sees the light of day again.

So you’re basing your “presentation” on what you think you know as well as thinking about what you want and need… and then hoping that your partner will be open-minded enough to sit and talk about these things in an grown-up, intelligent way.

Yeah, right – sure they will. Again, the funny thing is often that a partner does want to have this conversation because they, too, knows that some stuff needs some serious intervention and changes, oh, like someone discovering their bisexuality, for instance. The logic is easy to follow but even as I learned – and as I’ve said a lot – logic tends to fail miserably in the face of emotional response. It’s like, “Yeah, you’re right… but I believe in the sanctity of the relationship….” Sometimes, this conversation comes up and the first reaction is one of being offended: “You trying to tell me I’m not enough for you? You don’t love me? Don’t want me anymore?”

At this point, you can construct the most eloquent and logical argument you can manage… and it means nothing because this kind of emotional response will take your carefully crafted logic and obliterate it. Utterly. At this point, you’d probably have a better chance having this conversation with your pet or some other inanimate object because the person you mentioned this to will tune you out, shut the conversation down… and you’d better not even think about bringing it up again – what the fuck is wrong with you?

What’s wrong is that the relationship needs major fixing and we’ve done some stuff to fix it but it either doesn’t stay fixed or it’s not enough. It’s not so much what’s wrong with me… it’s what’s wrong with us and, surely, you can’t sit there and tell me that you’re 100% happy and satisfied with the way things have been going.

See, this is the one main reason why people cheat on each other; whenever a person’s needs are being ignored or otherwise not being taken care of by the person tasked to do just that, there are – has been – only two things to be done. One is forget about what you want and need and maintain the status quo and no matter how fucked up it is and the other is to dissolve the relationship and start over with someone else… and with the understanding that you’re gonna wind up back in this situation.

It’s never a matter of it… it’s a matter of when it’ll happen… and it will happen.

The hardest thing about opening the box is convincing the other person that it’s going to be in their best interest as well and they’re gonna think that it isn’t and won’t be… even when, in fact, they’re aware of the same things you’ve become aware of and if sexuality is a part of the equation, well, that just makes shit even more interesting, doesn’t it? The sad part is that no matter the need and reason to open the box, most people would be ready and willing to throw it all away rather than to make the attempt to fix things so that they can stay together and more so when, as far as the rest of the relationship is concerned, things have been pretty damned good.

But the work has only just begun and as difficult it is to even broach this subject – and it’s very hard to do – you haven’t even gotten close to the really hard parts and one of them is putting all thoughts and feelings – both good and not so good – out in the open for discussion. It’s probably going to be the most intense and painful conversation you’ll ever have with someone because chances are good you both are gonna hear some shit you never knew about and once you hear it, you’re gonna wish you hadn’t.

Even if you manage to survive this part of opening the box, the next problem is, “How are we gonna do this?” What usually makes this a problem is that the people having this section of the discussion have differing needs and their own idea about what can be done, who, when, etc., and this isn’t the kind of conversation where you can talk about it for a couple of hours and come to an immediate agreement. Well, wait a moment – you could do this except you’re likely to find out that it was a mistake and one that’s not easily corrected.

In this planning phase – and provided y’all have agreed to give this a shot – it’s time to lay down some rules and I’ve observed (and know for a fact) that the more rules you have, the more difficult it’s going to be to put the plan into action. And I’ve heard some doozies that are constructed more to preserve the intimacy of the relationship, which is important, but also tends to make it harder for someone to be their “new” self in this. Which is kinda odd since intimacy – any kind of intimacy – is the thing that’s not working as expected so in a way, some folks are trying to preserve something that, chances are, has fallen through the cracks.

If you manage to get through this part, wow, now it gets even harder and it comes in the form of a question: Can you imagine your partner being with someone else? I can tell you that it’s kinda/sorta easy to imagine it – and if you’re thinking about taking things in this direction, yeah, you’ve thought about it to a degree. I can tell you, however, that thinking about it is one thing… knowing that someone else is [hopefully] showing your partner a good time… and if that has you cringing as you read this, seeing it is even harder and harder still when you see your partner reacting to someone else and in ways they’ve either never reacted with you or hasn’t since the early phases of your relationship.

This is that part of things that will separate the children from the adults. I can’t begin to tell you how much of a fucked up feeling that is and that’s on top of it coming out into the open that you aren’t really all they’d ever want and need. Like the thing with bisexuals I’ve mentioned: If your man/woman needs another man/woman, well, unless there’s something very special about you, you’re not equipped for it physically and/or emotionally… and being made aware of this hurts like a son-of-a-bitch.

Or, somewhere in the mix – and provided that you’ve managed to work things out so that it can be done – you find out something about your partner that even they didn’t know about themselves.

Some people manage to survive all of this and now they’re out of the box and surviving and thriving and, sometimes, beyond their initial expectations… and most people totally, utterly, and completely fail because, again and as I’ve said repeatedly, in order to do this, you have to unlearn everything you thought you knew about love, sex, and relationship in order to learn a new way to do these things… and let’s add doing these things without trashing the relationship.

One reason this doesn’t happen when, maybe it should, isn’t that we’re not supposed to go there – it’s usually because we have no fucking idea how to do it which makes sense when we really and barely know how to have a relationship in the first place; despite any advice and no matter how many relationships you’ve been in, it’s usually on the job training – and many find that opening the box is OJT times ten to the one-hundredth power.

Most people won’t do this because it’s so fucking hard to do.

When this popped into my head – and, no, don’t even bother to ask me why it did because I really don’t know – I knew I would write this in a way that might suggest that if you’ve been thinking about this, eh, ya might not want to do it. I do, in fact, tell people not to do this if they don’t think they can. If you haven’t sat down with each other and put everything on the table, don’t do it. As always, if you are prone to those negative emotions – envy, jealously, selfishness, etc., – and you don’t think you can overcome them, nah, don’t even go there.

But if the two of you think it can and should be done, well, it’s not gonna be all fun and games because just like any other relationship, it has to be constantly worked on and requires even more communication of the deep and meaningful kind than ever before. To this end, some people say, “Okay… we can do this… but I don’t ever want to hear about what you’re doing and I’m sure as shit not gonna say anything about what I’m doing!”

That’s a mistake, believe it or not since, should things not be working out or some other issue comes up, keeping it under your hat and thinking that you can figure it out and/or handle on your own isn’t a smart thing to do. The most common mistake made other than a breakdown in communication?

Rules violations. I’ve actually and literally have heard people sit down and make a shitload of rules that says what can and can’t be done and, I dunno, perhaps naively thinking that every- and everyone involved is going to abide by those rules and as if shit, as presented by Mr. Murphy, can’t, won’t, and shouldn’t happen. And when shit happens, it usually hits a really big fan.

No one can account for every single and little thing that might happen if the box has been opened and conventional wisdom in this suggests that the two people who wanna give this a shot, at the very least, be aware of this very important fact. The whole purpose of this is to be able to take care of those needs that have appeared albeit with some outside help and the biggest mistake I’ve seen has been people diving into this… and “forgetting” to take care of each other, which is kinda understandable because this is some new and pretty exciting stuff. It’s why I say that the first rule to be made should be, “Take care of home first.” Oh, and don’t half-ass it.

The real trick of this is to improve your relationship with each other and one other failure I’ve seen is that some folks go into this thinking “me” and not “us” – as in how will being out of the box benefit “us” the most.

God… this has turned out to be a very long scribble even for me… which speaks to how much of a critical and life-changing subject this is. What’s the right way to go about this? That’ll be whatever way the two of you come up with – I’m just the guy who’ll tell you how you can easily fuck this up. I’m not telling you how to do it – I’m telling you how not to do it. An open relationship means more than engaging with other people: It also means being open with each other and, very likely, in ways you’ve never been open with each other before.

Getting out there and doing something? Believe it or not, that’s the easy part compared to what has to be done before you even think about mentioning this. I tell guys – in particular – that if you’re not prepared to offer whatever your partner might want and unwilling to negotiate and compromise, you will fail to convince them that this is something the both of you should do and for the sake of love for each other… and even if your partner doesn’t think they need this. For the partner who gets hit with this? If you’re not willing to “come clean” with things you feel needs to be fixed and, even in theory, how this could work for you, well, that’s a problem.

Just talking about this is about the ugliest conversation you are ever going to have with your partner… I do mean ugly like you’ve never experience emotional ugliness before. It just flat out sucks to know that you’re not all they’re ever gonna want and need – and no matter what the rules say. I know how it made me feel and when I think about it, it still makes me want to throw up. It’s so incredibly difficult to see the logic and sense in this when every emotion you own and everything you ever believed in is, bluntly, getting trashed and unimaginably so.

It’s not your fault and, yeah, even if it is your fault, the decision to open the box comes down to a few questions. What are you willing to do to fix things? Are their things in your mind that you just will not ever do for the sake of love itself? And, I think, the most important question of all: Do you really love them as much as you say and think you do?

Most people find out that they don’t. They’re not wiling to do all which is possible to fix things and their whole MO about being in a relationship is everything they’re not gonna do. And that crazy-assed thing that tells someone and makes them say that if I’m not enough for you, well, you can leave and the sooner, the better. One of the expected questions should this conversation come up is, “What about me?”

And it’s very, very hard to get them to see and understand that this opening the box thing is just as much about them as it is about yourself.

Good luck with it. I really mean that. It can be done. These days, a lot of people are doing it and in some pretty innovative ways that provides some stuff outside of “just sex” or whatever. Some couples are more poly than open because if you have more people working toward a common goal – everyone being as deliriously happy as humanly possible, well, that just works…

If you can figure out how to make and keep it working. Shit… even you’re even brave enough to even bring it up. Your choices are simple, actually: Do nothing and remain in whatever ruts you’ve created for yourselves. Dissolve the relationship and just toss the baby out with the bath water. Or, try to do the unthinkable and break every relationship rule that ever existed because, well, you’ve tried everything else, huh?

 

Tags: , , , ,

Life, Living and Loving: When Two Becomes Three (or more)

https://ddjennifer.wordpress.com/2020/03/25/342-kayla-part-i/

https://ddjennifer.wordpress.com/2020/03/27/343-kayla-part-ii-kayla-ours-the-new-addition/

https://ddjennifer.wordpress.com/2020/03/31/344-kayla-interview-part-iii/

If you’re at all interested in what it’s like to be married and having a new person join the relationship, take some time and read these three posts. While the content is about domestic discipline, the posts are rich with a sense of what it takes to break some rules and doing some sundering – on purpose – and for the benefit of one and all.

I know for myself, it was the adventure of a lifetime, both one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done and one of the most insane things. Some might think that these… arrangements are just about sex but there’s much more to it than that although, yeah – the sex is probably unlike anything you could experience since it’s a lot more than just the much-dreaded threesome.

You go along, just the two of you… and somehow, some way, and for some reason, two becomes three (and not counting any existing children). It’s an option that’s becoming more of a thing these days and, in my opinion, it’s the ultimate relationship and one that will put everything you thought you knew about love, sex, and relationships to one hell of a test. Man, talk about life-changing? Talk about how much you’re gonna find out about yourself, the person you’re married to, and then whomever was chosen to join you?

I’ve sometimes thought that if I knew then what I know now, I probably wouldn’t have done this – easy to say, right? At the same time, I do know and the question I’ve asked myself has been, “If you could, would you do it again?” The “bad” part is, yeah – I would… because there’s nothing else like it, nothing you can compare it to. It takes being in an open relationship and seriously expands it; many find that being in an open relationship is difficult enough and, comparatively speaking, being in an open relationship is easy.

This isn’t. Jennifer and her clan figured it out; they’ve made it work and is, in my opinion, the perfect example of how to do it and she’s been gracious enough to share her experiences in this and how she deals with things and how her extended family works. I think you’d have to hit her archive to get the full flavor of her journey in this, to see the high and low points, a few personal struggles, but with the commitment to not only go this route, but to do her part to make it work.

For me, her domestic discipline thing is icing on the proverbial cake; you don’t have to have a “kink” to be able to do this but the gist of it all is that you sure as hell have to be willing and able to step way out of the box and be so unconventional in this kind of relationship… while making it look and feel like it’s been like this since “the original” couple got married and instead of two “standing at the altar,” there were three – and all committed not only to each other but to the scope and vision of the expanded relationship.

I know that, as more people found out about what we were doing, they said that I was either the luckiest motherfucker who ever lived… or the most insane one. One guy told me, “Having one wife is bad enough… and now you have two? What the fuck were you thinking about?” Well, I had three but that’s not really the point. There is so much stuff you have to deal with, so much stuff you have to learn – like I said, everything you thought you knew about being in a relationship gets rewritten to the point where you’re pretty much always in unknown territory.

While one can search the Internet and find all kinds of information on how to form such a family, at best, it’ll be more of a guideline, more like suggestions, because how the dynamic works depends on the people involved, why they’ve come together like this, and being able to work out how this is gonna work… and with the sure and certain understanding that there are going to be sinkholes – not bumps – in the road to be traveled.

You not only have to deal with the internal stuff – but if you think you’re gonna do this and other people aren’t going to notice or figure it out – and then start asking questions, I’d say you’re sadly mistaken. One of the hardest things I had to do in this was explaining it, sometimes in detail, sometimes being rather vague about things like someone asking, “Hey… are the three of you in a relationship?” and me responding with, “Yeah, we are…” – and leaving it at that.

“How the hell did that happen?” My answer? “You really don’t wanna know and you’re probably not gonna believe me.” I caught a lot of flak from women who’d roast me for being such an arrogant asshole to have a harem and it would piss me off big time and more so when I would try to explain the dynamic… and now I’m not only an asshole but I’m a liar on top of it. I got so “used” to be some kind of bad guy that whenever some woman figured it out and wanted to read me the riot act, I’d just ignore her because I saw no point in trying to explain something that they’d refuse to believe, oh, like the fact that doing this wasn’t my idea to begin with.

I just agreed to it. Then I had to figure out how to make it work and I’ll ask you to once again believe me when I tell you that it might sound “easy” but it’s anything but. I remember too many nights when I laid in bed between the two of them, watching them sleeping… and wondering just what the fuck did I get myself into and trying to peek into the future to see what tomorrow was gonna be like; to borrow a phrase I read in a book, the only easy day was yesterday.

When I’ve written about this in the past, I’ve pointed to some skills that are very necessary: Time management along with problem and conflict resolution. You have to be a negotiator, a referee, an arbitrator and if you know something about psychology, that’ll help. Dealing with different personalities, well, it’s a bitch and a half and dealing with the emotional aspects, and, oh, my god; it didn’t take me long to figure out why someone would think I had lost my mind in being a part of this… because I questioned my own sanity quite a bit. Along the way, I learned some very important shit and in terms of what not to do; I’ve said it before and I’ll keep on saying it.

If you’re not grown up enough, don’t even think about doing this. If you are unable to get rid of emotions like envy, jealousy, selfishness and possessiveness, well, bluntly, you’re fucked – and not in a good way. And if you have no idea how to deal with these things in others, well, what do you think? Doubly fucked would be a good way to put it… and that doesn’t even come close to what it’s really like.

The sex? Not as easy as it sounds. It’s hard enough “keeping track” of what one woman likes, doesn’t like, whatever… but for two of them? Ha… I know some of the guys who knew would tell me how lucky I was and I’d say, “Well, yeah… if you say so.” This ain’t like an one-off kind of threesome thing; this is an everyday part of your responsibilities in the relationship and while some might say that it’s not all about the sex or it’s “not really that important,” well, guess again. It is important and if you really want to have your limits put to the test? This will do it… and it is humbling. And let’s not talk about sexuality issues… unless you’ve got something for the headache you’re gonna get handy…

And that’s being nice about it. Oh, yeah – you also have to be to “see the future” or, perhaps more accurately, you have to see the problems before they show up. It’s not enough to know that some shit is gonna get and be fucked up – you have to figure out what’s gonna get fucked up, when it’s gonna happen, why it’s gonna happen… then “see” what’s gonna have to be done to fix it… and if it can be fixed. Then you have to be as proactive as you can be to head off any issues you feel, think, and/or believe is going to show up… then convince those who are with you that whatever you’ve “seen” coming down the road is gonna happen.

Now, don’t get me wrong. This is an experience to top and end any experience you’ve ever had; like I said, there is nothing else like it. It is rewarding beyond belief but is also like walking a minefield in the dark… and blindfolded. When things go right, sheer heaven… and when they go wrong – and things will go wrongly… yeah: What were you thinking about when the two of you decided this would be a good thing to do?

What makes this even more difficult is the fact that we barely learn how to have a relationship with one person; while there are, again, loads of guidelines and suggestions on how to make your relationship simply stellar, that’s all they really are – guidelines. Suggestions. Lots of pie-in-the-sky shit and every relationship is more like on the job training than really knowing how to do this… and keeping in mind that the person you’re with has their own ideas about how this is supposed to and gonna work.

Then add someone else to the mix. Then, for shits and giggles, add someone else. Then try to take everything and everyone and mold it all into one “seamless” thing. Is your head hurting? It should be. And it will. It’s the reason why I say that you not only have to be really grown up, you have to take everything you think you know about relationships and throw it all away so you can learn a very different way to be in one.

And if you can’t to this and can’t manage to get and keep everyone involved on the same page, well…

Jennifer and her clan figured it out. In fact, a lot of people do. It is, without a doubt, the hardest thing one can ever do as well as the craziest, most insane thing you will ever do in your life…

And it’s worth it. It really is even when you will have moments where you’ll be wishing you never decided and/or agreed to do this. But if you can make it work, it just doesn’t get any better than this.

If you want to get more of a real-deal perspective of this, go read Jennifer’s blog. Most people who try this don’t last very long; our relationship lasted a couple of decades and Jennifer celebrated five years of being in this kind of relationship so as far as I’m concerns, she’s a heroine of the highest order and so are the members of her clan – and especially her husband.

Do ya really think it’s heavenly to be the only guy and “surrounded” by women? It is… and not so much. Are you of a mind that this is totally and completely insane? It is… and probably more than you can imagine. Don’t think you could do this? You probably can’t and more so if you believe in the way relationships are supposed to be… and this sure as shit ain’t the way things are supposed to be… but in many way, it also is. It’s polyamory… but much deeper; it’s not “just sex” but way much more than just that. Monogamy? Forget that shit – not gonna work.

I’ve seen stuff written about this that talks about the core relationship and how important it is to preserve it and there’s some good sense in this… and it’s also a good way to fuck shit up because it tend to evoke an “us and them” kind of thing when, in reality, there should only be “us” and regardless to how many people are involved. I’ve seen where single folks are going about this and, um, it’s not all that easy when there’s no real core relationship to build upon… and even harder when there is a core relationship to build upon. And harder still when you and your “partners in crime” live under the same roof.

Glorious. Beyond anything you could dream of… and it can be your worst nightmare made real if you’re not willing to see it all through for as long as it can go. You have to be committed… which also means you probably should be committed because this shit is beyond crazy.

But if you can do it – and do it as right as everyone can make it – there’s just nothing else like it and nothing else will ever compare to it. A long time ago, our family of five became a family of nine with five kids, three wives, and me. Holy shit. I would think that if someone had told me I’d find myself up to my pretty brown eyes in this, I would have laughed so hard and told them they were out of their fucking minds.

I’m not laughing and maybe, just maybe, I was the one who was a few fries short of a happy meal. Absolutely the most wonderfully insane thing I’ve ever done and been a part of.

Thanks go to Jennifer for the inspiration to write this. You rock, Jen!

 
3 Comments

Posted by on 2 April 2020 in Life, Living and Loving

 

Tags: , , ,

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Inequity: The Unlevel Playing Field

One of the relationship problems I’ve seen involving bisexuality is things not being equal or a bisexual partner stands up for their right to be bisexual and pursue their interests while the other partner is left high and dry and invoking “If you can do it, I can do it, too!” is met with a great deal of resistance, fussing, fighting and, honestly, a total disregard for someone’s sensibilities other than their own.

I knew a guy many, many years ago who was married to a bisexual woman and, as it turned out, he was bisexual as well but extremely frustrated because his wife – a bit of a harpy if I might say so myself – felt that she had the God-given right to slake her lust whenever she wanted to and with whomever she damned well pleased while promising and threatening to leave him and take their two children away if he ever even thought about doing things the way she was doing them.

Ah… I remember the day I met her. We both worked for the local cab company and it had been a very busy – and profitable – night (we worked the 10pm to 7am shift) and things had been so good and hectic that we wound up working until 8:30 or so. He had asked me to give him a ride home and to come in to not only meet his wife but also to confirm that we worked a little overtime as his reason for not being home when he’d normally be there.

Right away, that set off yellow alerts in my head but, okay, I could do this for him because he was a really cool guy. On the way to where he lived, he said, “Don’t be surprised if my wife starts flirting with you, okay?”

The alert in my head started to shift more toward red but, eh, I was used to married women flirting with me… covertly and had said as much – then the alert went fully to red when he shook his head and said, “That’s not what I’m talking about; she’s gonna take one look at you and want to fuck you right then and there!”

Maybe he was exaggerating, maybe he wasn’t – but forewarned is forearmed. Once at his place, wow – his wife lit into him with a verbal barrage that made me want to hit her – and I don’t hit women – and she was so busy shredding him that not only did he not get a chance to get a word in edgewise, she never noticed that he wasn’t alone.

Then she noticed me standing next to him… and her whole demeanor changed and I mean it changed so quickly that had I not bore witness to her diatribe, I would have sworn she wasn’t pissed off about him being late coming home. I backed him up, of course, and I honestly don’t know whether she eased up on him because I verified his reason for being late… or there was something else going on but I’ll be damned if she didn’t proposition me… right in front of her husband.

I was horrified at her callousness and regard for his feelings; I mean, okay – if you’re gonna hit on someone, shit, at least wait until your spouse leaves the room for something, ya know, or try to be subtle about it! She’s eyeballing my crotch and all that and I’m looking at him giving me that “I told you!” look but it was the whipped puppy look in his eyes that really bothered me. She sashayed off to the kitchen to fix him something to eat – and I could tell this shocked the hell out of him – flinging her hips all over the place and I took that moment to let him know I was outta there but if he wanted to talk later, I’d be all ears.

Business was slow by the time our shift got started and we had plenty of time to hang out at our assigned cab stand to sit and talk… and even though I was “recently new” to this open marriage thing, what my friend was telling me shocked me to my very core. She was bisexual and that’s when he confessed to me that he was bisexual as well but he wasn’t allowed to pursue his interests while allowing her to, basically, bully him into submitting to her will… and I was both pissed and very sympathetic toward him and his plight.

He asked me, “How did you and your wife agree to be open?” and I kinda laughed and said that we didn’t agree to it until she hit me with an ultimatum and talked everything out and that the transition wasn’t what I’d call easy but, sure, we were making it work.

“I wish you could explain this to her,” he said and the way he said it just broke my heart. I knew it was probably a mistake on my part but I told him that if she’d listen, I’d talk to her about this one-sided bullshit that was not only making a mockery of their marriage but really doing a number on his state of mind. I did, however, ask him a question: If she’s not gonna let you do your thing the way you need to, why haven’t you just done it anyway?

His answer? He said he was very afraid she’d find out and leave him, taking their children, too. I rolled my eyes and asked him, “Um, how would she know? Dude, do you have any idea how many offers for sex I get being behind the wheel… and how much sex I’ve had?”

He smiled and said, “I know… I get offers, too, but I turn them down; I’m just scared shitless that she’s gonna find out!”

I couldn’t say how she could possibly find out but, okay, he was obviously convinced that she could and would. I felt very badly for him and his plight and so much that since we were sitting in the back seat of my cab, yeah – I just proceeded to give him a blow job because, for one, he needed one (think bro job) and for another thing, I wanted to find out if she would find out.

This… heifer was a piece of work. I think it was a couple of days later when I gave him a ride home and I had a couple of days to see the results of my impromptu blow job – he was happier, less sullen, even invigorated. Good! We get to his place and we go in… and there’s his wife on the sofa, buck naked, and not only in a 69 with another woman but there was a guy plowing her from the back! My second thought was it was a good thing their kids were in school… but my first thought was, “What the fuck? She knew he was on his way home and do you mean to tell me that she chose not to finish doing her dirt before he got there? Really?”

He said… nothing. The trio on the sofa heard us come in and she looked up, saw me – smiled – and said, “Hey! Bring that dick over here and join the party!”

I said, “Hmm, okay, but, ah, how about inviting this guy right here while you’re at it?” The guy in his wife’s pussy said he didn’t mind and the gal being eaten said, “Shit, yeah – the more the merrier!”

His wife went apeshit crazy! She actually got off the sofa and got in his face over what I had said and what her two partners had agreed to and like it was his fault! I glanced at the two on the sofa and got the thought that not only were they more “regular” than the situation appeared, they, too, had probably been subjected to her venomous dialogs at some point; they just sat there and trying not to draw her ire.

She went to slap her husband… and I broke the rule about not getting in between a husband and wife fussing and fighting. I grabbed her hand in mid-swing and they both looked surprised and as she tried to pull away from me, I said, “Enough!” then turned to the two naked people on the sofa and said, “Time for you two to go – I need to have a conversation with these two… now, get in the wind!”

They hurry up and get redressed and out the door; I’m still holding her arm and when I let her go, yep, she took a swing at me which I easily blocked and I told her, “I don’t hit women but if you swing at me again, I will put you on your ass. Get over there and sit the fuck down!”

My friend is stunned because I intervened… and she went and sat the fuck down. He’s looking at me and I can’t decipher the look but I told him, “This bullshit needs to end… and it’s gonna end right the fuck now.”

And proceeded to read her the riot act. In retrospect, I shouldn’t have done it; it was none of my business but I couldn’t just stand there and let this travesty continue. I had her in tears pretty quickly as I told her how fucked up this was for both of them, that instead of shit going the way it had probably been going, things could be better for and between them if he was allowed to do what she’s obviously been doing – what’s good for the gander should be just as good for the goose and all that.

Her reason for not extending the courtesy? She was afraid that he’d get with someone else and leave her and I understood that but, as I pointed out to her, that didn’t explain or even excuse throwing her sexual proclivities in his face like this and not even considering that he might want to join in or, at the least, pursue his own interests. Then I told her that I sucked his dick and that seemed to change his whole mood and demeanor and, yeah, I regaled her with every nasty detail and it was funny to watch her face run through the gamut of emotions, from being totally pissed to… being excited.

I spent almost two hours talking to both of them and getting them to hash out an agreement between them. I understood what she said about her need for sex and I understood that she really didn’t have any complaints about his ability to provide her sex but I told her that if she was as smart as she thought she was, it should have occurred to her that, given that he was just as bisexual as she was, they could work together to take care of each other’s “extra needs” instead of this one-sided, heavy-handed crap she was laying on him and more so since, in reality, there was no real reason for them not to be on the same page about this.

Told her what my wife had laid on me and she did ask, “Weren’t you mad?” and I confirmed that I was beyond livid – but I let my intelligence work the situation rather than to let my emotions do that. It hurt, didn’t feel good, totally trashed everything I believed in… but we did it anyway because this was about the two of us doing whatever we had to do to make and keep each other happy… and to stay together.

“So, you two are gonna come to terms over this before I leave here; I am not going to take his word – or yours – that you’ve come to an agreement and I’m not here to witness it and, believe me: I will hold both of you to it and if you think I can’t or won’t, think again!”

Yeah… like I could really do that… but it sounded good and the important thing is that they believed me. While they talked, I called home and explained my absence to my wife and she was just as shocked over the scene we’d walked into as I was. She said, “Do what you gotta do, baby…”

Two more hours later, they hashed out an agreement; she wanted things to be more in her favor by telling him what he couldn’t do but I reminded her that it was blatantly unfair for her to prevent him from doing something she could do – and had been doing all along. I told them that trying to be equal in this was really a waste of time and energy but it was about working together to take care of these needs instead of one person doing their own thing and with no visibility or anything else that would make this situation more equitable and tolerable.

Yeah… I imposed my will upon both of them. I shouldn’t have done it but I did and I do have to say that if their relationship hadn’t gotten better because of my intervention, shit, I’d probably hate myself. But it did get better for them. Of course, since I worked with him, he’d tell me about the progress they were making with their relationship and that the rough spots I told them would happen did come up – but they worked through them.

“You scared the shit out of her that day,” he said to me one night when we were having dinner. “I’d never seen anyone make her back down before and it took me a couple of days to convince her that you weren’t gonna show up and kick her ass!”

“I’d never do that but I meant what I said to her; she swings at me again, I’m putting her on her ass,” I said. “Shit… I should have just minded my own business but I couldn’t just stand there and do nothing.”

“I understand,” he said. “Things are so much better now; there’s less stress, less tension, and she doesn’t yell and scream at me like she used to. Yeah… it took some doing for me to actually watch her getting laid and she admitted that it wasn’t easy for her to watch me having fun with someone else… but I think we’ve gotten past that, thanks to you.”

“Somebody had to do something about this,” I said, waving off his thanks. “She wasn’t gonna do it and you were too afraid to do anything to fix things. You two have been together too long just to let something like this fuck everything up when you both could have done something to keep it from getting all fucked up and thrown away… and, forgive me, but I wasn’t gonna let that happen.”

“I’m glad you didn’t and she is, too,” he said. “By the way, I’m supposed to ask you if you and your wife can come over for dinner Saturday.”

I said I’d check with my wife but for now, I thought we could and, no, I didn’t even ask him why we were being invited – I knew why and I’m sure you can guess why just as easily as I did…

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on 6 February 2020 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

Tags: , , ,

Life, Living and Loving: Two Questions

When folks who knew us figured out what we were doing, there were two questions I’d get asked that weren’t easy to answer. The first was, “Why would you do this?” and the other is, “How can I/we do this?”

Explaining why we threw the rule book out wasn’t easy to explain. Sure, I could go through the chain of events from beginning to that particular moment and it would either make sense to some or leave others asking, “Okay, but why?”

Wait… didn’t I just spend all,this time explaining it to you and you can’t see why? Sheesh…

Worse were those folks who, after hearing whatever explanation version – long or as short as I could make it – would launch into a discussion of what they wouldn’t have done and why they wouldn’t have and their man/woman better not even think about bringing up some shit like that or (add a bunch of threats and other actions here).

Um, what part of this is what we decided to do didn’t you understand? Ya know, just because you think something shouldn’t be done doesn’t mean it can’t or shouldn’t be done.

I disliked being preached to and having people unnecessarily tell me what marriage is supposed to be and like I didn’t know it already. I had a decision to make and, yes, I did think about it a lot more than you think I did and I made the best decision given the situation and other conditions.

It’s not my fault if you’re not capable of that level of thought and you believe that throwing away a loving relationship is the best and only solution.

I got to the point where, admittedly, I’d do that husband thing and look like I’m paying attention when I really wasn’t. Probably me being rude but after a while, you get tired of explaining something and being told that there’s some shit I didn’t understand or my mother didn’t raise me right – and, yeah, someone actually said that.

And regretted it – don’t you ever talk about my mother like that.

So the naysayers got kinda/sorta ignored; the decision was made and it wasn’t going to get changed or revoked just because of that which you don’t believe in, okay? No? That’s your problem, not mine.

The other question. Very difficult to answer since there is no definitive way to do this; what works for one couple might not work for another. How do y’all do it? I really couldn’t tell those who asked without getting all into the dynamics of their relationship and, even so, I could think about how I’d do it if I were them… but I’m not.

That and there are too many variables and unknowns but, sure, I’d listen to what they had in mind and paying close attention to what was said, how it was said, and reading body language and maybe I’d wind up saying, “Well, maybe y’all shouldn’t try it until (add a bunch of reasons why they shouldn’t) but once you get this squared away between yourselves, yeah, it might work – or not.”

“What rules do we need?” You’re asking me like I know! I know what rules we needed and, I’ll say, we were “smart enough” to know that the rules might be subject to change and more so when there was no telling how we, as individuals, might change along the way or what we might run into that would require a change or two.

I could tell those interested what our rules were but that’s us; you’re gonna have to come up with your own rules but I’d suggest that they contain stuff like take care of home first, don’t bring anything home that you can’t deal with or otherwise accept the responsibility for and, most important, talk about everything and as openly as possible and in detail – nothing in this should be deemed as unimportant.

And finally – as well as ideally – whatever you decide to do should be about “us” and not just “me.” Oh, and good luck.

I’ve seen couples be successful… and I’ve seen them fail and for various reasons. Over the years, I’ve seen a lot of stuff out there about how to be open/poly/whatever and I really can’t say whether it’s good or bad stuff since this dynamic comes in many, many different flavors and, end of day stuff, it’s really about what a couple – together and individually – wants from this and with th sure knowledge that changes – or the need to,change something – is going to show up and has to be dealt with in some way.

“How do we pick people to be with us?” I dunno – what do you think? Got anyone in mind and have you talked about how you’re going to approach them and what might happen if your proposal is rejected? Today, there are websites for those looking to be poly with lots of like minded people but when we did this, those sites didn’t exist and, indeed, the World Wide Web was still in its infancy.

This situation got to a point where I’d tell hopeful couples, “Look – there are some things you gotta do like forgetting everything you’ve learned about being in a relationship so you can learn a whole new way of having one. You have to sit down and literally talk about everything and some of what you may hear isn’t going to be pleasant, if you’re being totally honest with each other – and I strongly recommend that you be 100% honest. You will or may discover that you’re not as grown-up as you think you are and, if so, don’t even try to go there.”

Can it be done? Yes. Should it be done? Well, that depends on y’all, doesn’t it? If after you’ve talked each other to death and find that you can’t, then don’t – but if you both believe you can make it work, well, give it a shot but remember this: It’s not going to run all by itself and you’re probably going to find yourself doing a lot more work to keep whatever you come up with working, alive, and well.

I identified these verifiable things: Communication, problem and conflict resolution, and time management. I’ve told folks, “If you don’t have these skills, learn them because you’re gonna need them – and get really good at them.”

Another key thing I learned: Dealing with negative emotions like jealousy,me by, possessiveness, selfishness, etc.; if you can, get rid of them because if any of these things show up, you’re gonna need those problem and conflict resolutions skills I mentioned. An example, if I may?

I talked with a couple who were interested in having an extended family and their plan sounded good at first until one of them said something that made me ask, “How do you think you’d feel knowing that your partner is being made love to? How’d you feel seeing it, seeing how they’re reacting to it and maybe in ways that they don’t react with you?”

Well, it seems they didn’t think about that in this context or maybe thought it was a no-brainer or whatever. What I know is that my questions changed the whole time of the conversation just by the looks on their faces and I said, “Yeah… that might be a problem, huh? Listen, I know that it sounds good on paper – you think you can handle it but I’m telling you that when you see it or otherwise know about it for the first time, wow – that can be a very major shock to the system and I’ll go as far as to say that this is normal… but it’s a reaction that you gotta get a grip on and under some kind of control because if you don’t, it will become a bigger problem. Even if you don’t witness it first hand, just them telling you – and honestly with every juicy detail – can invoke those negative feelings and that’s provided they don’t sugar coat any of it because they know ya might get totally bent out of shape.”

Some folks believed me and took this into consideration – and some didn’t… and you can probably guess about the results that were anything but nice and pretty.

It’s a lot of work just talking about it and it is a really complex thing to consider that includes thinking about stuff that may or may not even show up or happen days or even years down the road – it’s a lot to think about and that’s the level of thinking one person has to do and the other person has to do – then both of the come together and decide how “we” can do this crazy-ass thing as well as the individual stuff – W5H stuff.

For some, this is “easy…” but for some it’s anything but easy. If you don’t have a comprehensive plan in mind and in place, wow, just saying, “Let’s try it and see what happens!” might not work but, yeah, sometimes it does.

Some people just get lucky like that.

And, lest I forget the most difficult part, let me say it here: You still have to convince your partner that this is gonna be a good thing to do and that you both can benefit from stepping way out of the normal relationship box. You’re trying to convince someone who believes that relationships are supposed to be the way everyone says they’re supposed to be and there are those marriage vows to be considered… and now you’re asking them to think about – and agree to – something that’s not supposed to be done for any reason and, yeah, even if doing so will keep the relationship from going down the drain… but doing it might have the same result; it could be the best thing two people can do for themselves and each other or their worst nightmare made real.

And you don’t have to be married to face this situation since we treat unmarried relationships like it’s a marriage – same rules minus the need for lawyers.

Does that sound like something you’d be interested in? Do you think you could convince your partner? And as you can see, those two questions can generate more questions or put you in a position to answer some questions you’re probably not gonna want to answer – or you’re just gonna get sick and tired of answering them.

One other question I was asked: “What do your families think about this?” The answer? They thought we were crazy, to sum it up in one word.

 
2 Comments

Posted by on 21 December 2019 in Life, Living and Loving

 

Tags: , , ,

Life, Living and Loving: Non-monogamy

The older I get, the less sense being monogamous makes. I’ve been of a mind that I kinda/sorta understand why the rules insist that everyone be monogamous and everything I’ve looked into keeps pointing back to making babies and being able to control how that’s done – think of it as highly selective breeding.

We get this pounded into our heads via social programming and how it’s the worst thing in the world to, say, have a girlfriend and wanting to have more than one girlfriend; guys and gals who, while single, date several people “at the same time” are not looked at kindly and get told to pick one person and stick with them and if it doesn’t work out, go pick one person to try to make it work.

The push to be monogamous is so insidious that people who aren’t married but having a relationship are held to the same standards of behavior that married folks are; keep only unto yourselves, let no one put asunder and all that happy crappy. And we believe it; we live by it; and we get our heads all fucked up thinking and worrying about being cheated on and to the point where we get paranoid about it and, indeed, just assume that the person we’re with is, at some point, going to cheat on us… and we’re thinking that before we even agree to be with that person and in whatever way that’s gonna be.

We’re told how to be in love, i.e., only love one person at a time. Many people believe that once they fall in love, that’s it for them – it’ll never happen again, well, unless they become single again. We approach any relationship with the mindset that once we’re with that person, they are always going to be everything we will ever need for the duration of the relationship, well, right up to the moment when we find out that we can’t be, they can’t be, and that shit just doesn’t always and consistently work the way they say it’s supposed to.

So people cheat. They break up. They get all fucked up in the head about it and start asking why, what did they do to deserve this – I’m sure y’all know what I’m talking about here. I’ve seen women get cheated on and going forward, retreat into a shell and close themselves off or, if they get into another relationship, they’re highly paranoid about being cheated on again. I’ve seen men act some kind of way when they get cheated on and, yeah, sadly, violently so depending on the guy. Some guys “swear off” of women and some just say they ain’t ever gonna be in another relationship because you can’t be cheated on if you’re not in a relationship.

The thing is that before this was put into play, humans weren’t monogamous; just to be able to survive, doing it “as a group” was the best way to ensure survival and, yeah, that meant a lot of interaction of the carnal kind in the group until, as I’ve read, humans became more agrarious, taking a mate and kinda/sorta moving away from the crowd to farm, hunt, have babies and, oh, yeah, obey the religious mandate to do things like this or else.

But the very, very dead people who decided, for whatever reason, that everyone has to be monogamous probably thought that by mandating this and trying to enforce it would stop humans from being human and not want anything or anyone other than the person they chose to be with.

They were wrong, by the way – humans do not really work like that and there are many experts today who have discovered and are saying that being monogamous is an unnatural state for humans to be in, you know, given how much of a social animal humans are…

That and people change even though, when in a relationship, you’re made to become static and if you can’t stay static, well, pack your shit and leave before you get tossed out on your ass. Oh, there’s some interesting natural history shit behind this and in the area of sperm being plentiful… but eggs aren’t and if you understand what this means, you also understand why women are the way they are about giving up the booty although, today, it’s more of a knee-jerk reaction that’s been programmed in over our evolution and reinforced by young girls being told to only have sex with a man who is going to be devoted only to her, can provide for her, and loves her… and having sex without this very serious commitment is a very bad thing and, “really,” for anyone, male or female.

Somewhere in the 1950s, wife-swapping surfaced. Some things I’ve read say that this began with military personnel and their families and having been in the military, yeah, I can see why this might be true. It became more… prominent in suburbia and for reasons I don’t pretend to understand but it is what it was and all that – who doesn’t know about the movie, “Bob, Carol, Ted & Alice?” The practice of wife-swapping was seen to be so heinous that it eventually went underground – on the DL – and, I’m guess, found its way out of suburbia and spread almost everywhere.

Even I heard a lot of people saying that this shit didn’t make sense, that it was immoral, and in direct violation of marriage vows… even if you weren’t legally married and included those areas where common law marriages were allowed and recognized. It was unholy behavior that would result, if not called to a halt, in a very long vacation in a very, very hot place.

People today are still of a mind that there is no good reason for a couple to not be monogamous and because the rules say this is the only way to be given that fornication – that’s sex without being married – is a bona fide sin. What wasn’t – and isn’t – taken into consideration is that people do change; they find that they can be happy in a relationship and, oh, shit – someone will catch their eye, the chemistry that most people don’t really understand kicks in and they want to explore it… but they can’t… and while some people can shake this off, some people just can’t.

Relationships start out in a whirlwind of things; heady, spontaneous, mad crazy sex along with other expressions of deep love and affection and we believe that it’s always gonna be like that right up until “the honeymoon” is over. And how many people have been in a relationship and have found themselves asking, “How can we spice things up and recapture the heat and passion of when we met?”

Oh, the shit gets even deeper. We get so wrapped up in handling the business of being in a relationship that we can get tunnel vision – focused on only what’s in front of us – that we “forget” there are things we should be doing with each other, oh, like having sex and otherwise being emotionally intimate with each other. A lot of shit tends to form that even in the best of relationships, what they have isn’t really enough for them, although they may not be of a mind to say anything about it.

And, yeah, we do go about having relationships with a mindset that once it’s on its feet and running, it’s just gonna take care of itself and, again, the person we’re with should never, ever want anything or anyone other than that which we can provide them…

You know… if we’re in a mind to provide it. This mindset is so bad that I’ve seen and heard couples argue fiercely because the woman in the relationship wants to better herself – go to school, get a job, stuff like that, only to be shut down by the man who believes there’s no need for her to want or even think about such things – that bullshit about a woman’s place is in the home, barefoot and pregnant.

We assume, again, that once we fall in love or, um, have carnal desires for someone, it cannot happen again… and it does. Men and women find reason to stop having sex with each other even though the need to have sex is still there or, bluntly and as I have, myself, asked the woman I was in a relationship with, “If you’re not gonna fuck me, who’s supposed to?”

And the answer is forever and ever: “No one.”

Some people accept being made celibate… and some people ain’t trying to hear any of that… and infidelity is introduced. It’s not just the sex, although that’s a huge part of this dynamic – it’s the emotional succor that winds up missing as well. You love the person you’re with and you’re reasonably sure they still love you… and not showing or saying it. Have you ever gone to hug your partner and you feel their body stiffen up at first before relaxing… or remain stiff? If you, you’re seeing a bit of what I’m talking about.

How many people have asked their partner, “Why don’t you tell me that you love me?” Sure… the love is “implied” and once it’s there, uh, why keep talking about it; you know I love you, baby – don’t you? As such, we wind up getting emotionally disconnected from each other and then, one day, we run into someone we get emotionally connected to. Not love in that sense but it’s a void that’s being filled, for lack of a better phrase. We need those we are with to give a shit about us and when they don’t, that need doesn’t go away and, inevitably, either someone is going to come along and give it to us or we will remain “stuck” with someone who has, for various reasons (and some legitimate) become emotionally unavailable.

We do, in fact, run across people we’re just attracted to… when, by rule, we’re not supposed to be. It could be a sexual attraction or not so much but the fact remains that the attraction is felt and it’s both exciting and disturbing all at the same time. I’ve heard people say, “I shouldn’t feel the way I do about you!” and while that sentiment doesn’t mean any infidelity is gonna happen, it does make people wonder why the person they’re with isn’t doing such a good job of making them feel this way… and when it’s their “sworn duty” to do this 24/7 and without fail.

Yeah… people just don’t really work like that, do they?

Cheating. We worry about it. Have great angst about it. We ask why people do this heinous thing and I think I know the answer: When someone’s needs are not being met or otherwise ignored, well, something has to be done about it. Ideally and by rule, you’re supposed to go to the person you’re with to have those needs addressed and taken care of and if they do, fine… but if they don’t, well, that’s a problem.

“If you don’t take care of your man/woman, someone else can and will.” It’s a truism that we all are aware of – and if you weren’t, now you know – and knowing this scares the shit out of us. Some of us say and mean with great purpose that if you don’t like the way you’re being taken care of – or not, in this case – leave and go find someone who wants to be bothered with you – I ain’t got time to be holding your hand or whatever and you damned sure better not do that while we’re still together!

And some people do just that and by doing so, accepting the risks of loss and other nasty shit like violence or the involvement of lawyers. And you gotta wonder if this makes any sense to put each other in a position where some infidelity just might happen. How do you prevent cheating?

By removing the reasons and conditions under which will foster it. But we’re only human – we can only do so much to, with, and for each other. Most of us are aware that we’re doing shit – or not doing shit – that just might make the person we’re with cheat on us… and we dismiss it and say shit like, “They’d better not even think about cheating on me!” but they’re very unwilling to do anything to prevent it and, again, if you don’t like it, get the fuck out.

And, sometimes, that’s the thing that has to be done because once a person decides to stop doing those things that keeps a relationship alive, you’re never gonna change their minds about it and, really, if you decide to leave the relationship – or are told to leave – they’re of a mind to tell you to not let the doorknob hit you in the ass on the way out.

But sometimes leaving the relationship isn’t the thing that has to happen. There is still love in some form and, usually, financially it’s just not a viable option and, indeed, the relationship, as a whole, works well… except for some shit that’s missing, being ignored, whatever.

This is the part of this really long scribble where I usually ask, “What if you could get what you want and still keep what you already have? Would that be something you’d be interested in?”

Wanna guess what most people would say? Then, for extra credit, do you wanna guess why they’d answer in what I’d call a predictable manner – that would be “no fucking way!” if you were wondering.

What a lot of people are learning is that monogamy sucks. It has its good points and a whole lot of bad ones. And – gasp – some couples (in particular) decide that the rules of monogamy just ain’t helping them as a couple and definitely doing nothing for them as individuals. Cheating? Eh, no one wants to do that… and now I’m talking about having your cake and eating it and a whole lot of it, too. You can defeat infidelity by eliminating it from the relationship and, wisely, under controlled conditions because, um, there’s no getting away from the need to have rules.

Do you know why people don’t do this or fail at it? Because we don’t know how to do it although we do know how to love more than one person at a time – we were taught to do this as we were growing up, believe it or not and more so if you had siblings as well as other family members. No, I’m not talking about the “I” word – just that we’re taught to have positive feelings for those who are around us – then told to narrow that down to one person because the rules demand this.

And we abide by it even when everything we are is screaming at us that this ain’t working as advertised. True enough, some people resort to cheating because, to them, it’s the only way.

But it isn’t… and many people are finding this out and, yeah, I found out a long time ago that monogamy ain’t all that and that more often than not, it creates more problems than it has to the ability to solve and the solution is, oddly, to be monogamous… and not so much and, in this, very ideally and I think very necessary, if it’s good for the goose, it’s good for the gander… provided you can convince them that staying together – but not really being monogamous, is not only a good thing for them but a good thing for “us.”

Hmm… how many of you are reading this and thinking this is a bunch of bullshit? How many of you are reading this and saying, “Yeah, but…” and are thinking of all the reason why something like this shouldn’t happen and there’s no reason for it to happen? And, as I tend to do when I scribble about this, ask yourself why you’re thinking like this and, more extra credit, I’ll even point out to you that if you’re thinking this is bullshit or otherwise impossible and undoable, um, perhaps you don’t realize or are aware that these thoughts aren’t really your own.

They were given to you and you are actually believing something that isn’t as true as you were told it is. You don’t have to believe me and I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t because, once upon a time, I believed the same thing you did about this… and I found out that I was sadly mistaken about that which I believed in. I’m not saying it’s outright wrong – it’s just not as correct as we’ve been told.

There are those of you reading this who will say, “I’d never do some shit like that!” as well as, “I don’t believe in that shit!” and that’s all well and good; you are more likely to dispose of someone – and, perhaps, someone you shouldn’t let get away from you – than to give a single thought of stepping out of the box our social morality has put us into to not only keep them but to keep growing as in individual.

Just ask yourself why you don’t believe in such a thing then consider the source of your belief and maybe, just maybe, all this shit I’ve been writing will start to make sense. Now, not being 100% monogamous does have its bad points because we don’t know how not to be 100% monogamous but, yeah, people are smart and adaptable and do figure it out how to make this immoral thing work for them.

It’s not for everyone and I’ll even admit there were times once monogamy packed its bags and left that I wished we’d never agreed to not be monogamous… but it was less problematic than being cheated on and otherwise deceived. The hardest thing for me? Admitting that I really wasn’t and couldn’t be all that she wanted and needed and lemme tell you that saying that it hurt doesn’t even begin to cover how I felt to find this out. But, logically, “getting rid” of her was out of the question and beating her to a pulp was even more out of the question and I found myself saying the equivalent of, “If you can do it, I can do it, too.”

Because nothing else made sense. And it worked… and sometimes didn’t. It was the best thing I’ve ever done and the worst thing. The most sensible thing… and the craziest thing ever. Yet and still, I learned a lot about myself and my wife and things that, had infidelity hadn’t come to pay us a visit, I would have never learned and I sure wouldn’t have seen the flaws in the tenets of monogamy. It’s idealistic at best but in application, it just does not always work the way it’s supposed to – it’s how some long dead people decided we needed to behave… and not so much how we can behave if left to our own devices, oh, like having a partner and having other partners join in the fun – and headaches – right along with us, from just getting laid because that’s what works for the moment to the establishment of an extended family that employs some parts of monogamy while throwing away most of it.

So that we can be happy, not only with ourselves but with the person we’re with. We avoid this like the plague; we assume that suffer loss is a better option. Hell, some people get into this and still fret over loss or behave as if it’s not ever supposed to happen but the fact is nothing is forever.

Nothing. The moment you decide to join with someone else, the loss is implied – the risk is very real and we do go out of our way to prevent it… and not so much. We do, indeed, throw up shields around ourselves and do shit – or don’t do shit – that we think is going to keep that other person by our side until death do us part. Experience does shit to us that makes us say, “I love you – but I don’t love you that much…” or we decide that there are things we will not and cannot do “simply” for the sake of love.

And as such, many of us are in miserable relationships or not in a relationship at all… and all because we believe in something that isn’t as true as purported to be and just as we believe that those rules we’re held to are inviolate and can’t be changed.

But don’t we also hold true that rules are made to be broken and breaking them ain’t always a bad thing? What… allowing your spouse to have a lover is dishonorable on their part for wanting one in the first place? Well, aren’t you being just as dishonorable when you refuse to give them that which they need, that your vow of “for better or worse” has gone by the wayside and because of that which you don’t believe in? Haven’t you lied like a rug when you’ve told someone you love, “I’d do anything for you because I love you…” and then there’s some shit you won’t do and love for them be damned?

Do we not put conditions on love when love, in and of itself, is unconditional? Okay… I’m not gonna go rob a bank or kill someone because that’ll make my lady really happy but if she wanted something I couldn’t provide for her and someone else could, well, hmm, why not make it possible for her to have it… even if it means I might wind up losing her? If we take this from being about “me” to being about “us,” might that work toward keeping us together despite what we may or may not be doing individually and, wait – isn’t it possible that we can even do that together?

It is possible. We just don’t believe that it is because we’re not supposed to believe it. Ever been cheated on? Ask yourself – truthfully – how and why it happened and even if you are fairly sure that you did nothing to allow infidelity to come visit. Ever ask yourself what you could have done – or what your ex-partner could have – should have – done to keep cheating from knocking on the door and ruining everything?

And do you know, understand, or even think that the one thing you’ve been told never to do for any reason could have kept the two of you together, you know. How do you prevent cheating? Remove the reasons why it can happen. We believe that it’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission because it’s assumed that we can never get permission so we don’t ask – because the answer is usually, “You’re out of your fucking mind!”

But what if giving each other permission is the thing that will keep you together? What if being able to share this with each other will result in the two of you loving and appreciating each other more?

Would that be something you might be interested in? Here’s the sad part: Most of us wouldn’t be and I think you know know why… but does it really make sense?

People are learning quickly and “in droves” that it really doesn’t. Your relationship is only going to be as good as you are willing to make it so what are you willing to do to make and keep it as good as it can be?

Not much, as it turns out.

 
8 Comments

Posted by on 18 December 2019 in Life, Living and Loving

 

Tags: , ,

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: A Major Shift

One of the advantages of being bisexual for as long as I’ve been is being able to see the “then versus now” picture and how the dynamic has changed over the decades of my existence and what I’ve been seeing has been fascinating to watch.

A guy wrote on the forum yesterday about the scarcity of men who want more than the much-despised blow and go and he was wondering – and like a lot of guys seem to be doing today – what the hell is up with that. I’m guessing this is being seen as a problem when, from where I’ve been sitting, it represents a change in the dynamic that is having some growing problems and pains.

Time for yet another of those back in the day moments I know y’all just love seeing…

When a guy wanted to have sex of some kind with another guy, well, that’s all that was wanted in the majority of times but, sure, if you got with a guy and it was the bomb, getting together again was quite negotiable and doable but even that fell short of being committed to being returning customers. While it wasn’t what I’d call unusual for two guys to go back to each other when time and other circumstances allowed, if it didn’t happen like that, it wasn’t that big of a deal so it was on to the next guy who’d be interested.

Indeed, back then, a lot of guys would stipulate that being in something that remotely resembled a relationship was out of the question. For one, a lot of guys were already hooked up with a woman and, for another, a lot of guys saw having a “boyfriend” as being too gay for their sensibilities and, besides, it was really about scratching this particular itch more than anything else – it just was the way it was and while some guys would “complain” about a lack of returning customers, eh, there was just too many dicks out there to really be concerned with this.

If you got with a guy and you never saw each other again, no biggie; you got what you wanted from each other and when it was needed and, again, it’s now about waiting or looking for the next opportunity.

If I remember correctly, it wasn’t until somewhere in the early 1990s when I started to see guys getting into that Friends With Benefits thing so that they could get the dick they wanted without appearing to be in a relationship and with the understanding that “free agency” was a given, meaning, you could have that “steady” friend you could throw it down with but that didn’t mean you had to turn down other guys who you’d be interested in getting with. For guys already in a relationship, this “all of the benefits but none of the responsibilities” thing worked well since, duh, most of their focus had to be on the relationship they were already in with someone.

It was NSA sex with just a bit of exclusivity of a kind; if that little voice in your head said, “I need some dick…” you could call your friend, see if he was available and, if so, arrange a time to meet to scratch each other’s itch but, sure, okay – if you happened to come across a guy in the meantime, that worked as well.

Yes, some guys were quite keen to have that one guy they could go to when it was time to answer the call of cock but if it couldn’t go down like that, well, that sucks… but that’s okay because, really, the only thing that actually mattered was being able to find a guy who was willing to have sex with you.

Then the dynamic changed and, I think, in a major way. Guys started turning their backs on casual hookups and, at least for the M2M dynamic, FWB started to take on a new meaning and with a new and mandatory requirement: Exclusivity. A lot of guys cited and, I feel, correctly so that safety in these things was paramount and there’s a lot of good sense in this… except that blow and go thing was still very much the predominant thing to do. So while it made sense to have a single source of cock, the fly in the ointment was, um, not many guys were interested in establishing a relationship kind of thing and, indeed, if you were looking for more than just a hard dick to play with, it was a deal breaker.

Today, if you’re not interested in being someone’s exclusive FWB, this is now a major deal breaker and safety isn’t the only concern. I get it; guys are – or should I really say still – very much into the emotional aspects of being bisexual and more today than at any other time I can recall. You see, it wasn’t always just about getting some dick and calling it a day; a lot of guys even back in the day were in it for the emotional content as well but, okay, if some other guy wasn’t feeling that, it was a bummer but not one of those “end of the world” kind of things.

A lot of guys, for all intents and purposes, want a boyfriend and a guy who is going to be exclusively committed to them, not just physically but emotionally as well. I’d not say that this is a bad thing but the “problem” I see is that male bisexuality is still very much in that now-despised blow and go/NSA/casual mode so finding a guy who is more likely to want to be an exclusive FWB is a bit of a rarity.

The dynamic appears to be headed in that direction and I find it utterly fascinating because it’s beginning to resemble normal relationship behaviors including a bastardized form of monogamy. Guys are saying, “If you’re not gonna be into me, you ain’t gonna get into me!” and they are adamant about it from a safety point of view… but more from an emotional one. The thing about change that is so aggravating is that is slow to happen and now you have a lot of guys wondering why they can’t find that exclusive boyfriend in an environment that, until now, never worked like that.

It’s the reason why I see a lot of guys saying that they can’t find another guy to have sex with… and what they’re really saying is that they can’t find a guy who’s ready, willing, and able to be their exclusive boyfriend and the mindset currently is that this is the way it has to be.

Do you recall that some time ago, I scribbled about bisexuality appearing to be more “normalized” and that bi guys are of a mind to deal with men and sex in the same way they’ve always dealt with women and sex? As men – and what we know – is how and what we have to do in order to convince a woman that being by our side isn’t going to be a bad thing for them to do. We date women, woo them, try to get into their panties and, um, let’s say most of the time, that last thing ain’t gonna happen unless girlfriend feels that you’re going to be committed to her and she’s just not gonna be another notch in your belt.

And bi guys, oddly and, perhaps, strangely enough, are behaving the same way which kinda makes sense because this is something we know… and the problem is whether or not this knowledge actually works when dealing with other bisexual men… and, apparently, it’s not working and the changes in the dynamic aren’t happening fast enough to make a whole lot of men happy.

Don’t get me wrong here: Some guys do find Mr. Right… but there are still a gazillion Mr. Right Nows out there who want all the sexual pleasure they can and not of a mind to do so in a relationship kind of way. Making this even more complicated are those men who are currently in a relationship and having their desire for cock handled in a relationship setting and, I think, creating a mudslide of sorts where exclusivity and monogamy are concerned and begging the question of whether one is within their rights to demand exclusivity from another guy while not being monogamous with their current partner. You’d think this would be one hell of a disconnect and it is… and it’s fascinating to see how guys are trying to make this disconnect go away… and, for the most part, failing.

It’s almost like some guys are trying to “blend”monogamy and polyamory and those two things just do not play well with each other although, in a poly mode, there is emphasis on maintaining the core relationship but in order to do that, um, there has to be a core relationship and that usually means that both people in the relationship are onboard with not being wholly monogamous.

Yeah… can you see the clusterfuck that’s in play? I can. What escapes me is I don’t know why this is happening the way it is. Well, wait – that’s not true because I get it so what I really scratch my head about is why guys think this should – and is going to – work the way they want it to, that and it has to happen immediately if not sooner.

While other men – and their relationship status notwithstanding – just want to have sex with another guy, nothing more, nothing less. Bringing bisexuality into a more “normal” range of interaction does make sense and if only to allow people to stop seeing bisexuality as being weirdly different from how others interact and by others I mean hetero- and homosexuals who are all about finding and establishing a relationship and, yeah, even when they’re already in one.

Somewhere down the road, all of this might settle down… but that’s later and some guys need the whole thing to settle down right this very moment and that’s not likely to happen. A lot of guys are still very much of a mind that there are way too many cocks and asses out there to get “tied down” with just one cock and ass and more so when, really, they don’t have to if they don’t want to.

Guys who are looking for their Mr. Right almost all say that safety is the most important issue and I’d agree… to a point and I think I remember saying, the last time I scribbled about this, that even in an exclusive FWB mode, you just do not and cannot know where the other guy’s dick has been when you’re not getting it. Guys are being expected to be faithful in the EFWB mode and, honestly, that’s unrealistic and even more so when a guy is already in a relationship and being unfaithful should he be giving guys a test drive to determine compatibility and acceptability as an exclusive male sexual partner.

I see this… and I just shake my head over it. I’m never gonna say that a guy is wrong for wanting a Mr. Right of his own. Likewise, I’m never gonna say that a guy is wrong for just wanting to get some dick and get in the wind and maybe even never to pass that way again should this fit his purposes.

Once upon a time, only gay men “dated” and courted each other and for them, it makes sense and they’re really not being any different from straight folks who date for the purposes of establishing a relationship. Bi guys, well, the early version, didn’t “date” guys; we met, hooked up, got together or just hung out and if the dicks came out and got hard, okay – I won’t tell if you won’t. Now guys are losing their minds over not being able to date, have almost the same dislike of those men who just wanna have sex and leave it at that as some women do and, yeah, it makes sense because who really likes being treated as just a piece of ass and, as such, being in a situation where you’re not gonna be just another piece of ass is seen as the better alternative.

The problem, of course, is that right now, those guys are in the minority albeit one that is growing. Establishing any kind of relationship takes time and effort and some guys just ain’t feeling that. Why bother with working toward being into a guy just so you can have sex when it’s still possible to have sex with a guy without any being into involved?

Why buy the whole cow when you’re already getting the milk for free? Sound familiar? It should and I think you already know why it sounds familiar.

It just fascinates me to see this at work. Is it a good or bad thing? I don’t know but what I do know is that there are a lot of very unhappy bisexual men out there who can’t seem to find their Mr. Right and even unhappier about all the Mr. Right Nows that are out there… and I just do not find this to be unusual or horribly problematic since this bi guy thing has – or was – historically about the dick and not much more than that.

And if you happen to be wondering about it, there are a lot of bisexual women in this exact same situation and there doesn’t appear to be a solution or some kind of resolution in sight.

 
2 Comments

Posted by on 14 November 2019 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

Tags: , , , ,

 
The Three of Us: Kit, Kitten, and Kitty

This blog is mostly about personal growth. It’s random and it’s ever changing.

Corrupting Mrs Jones

Often unfiltered thoughts.

Gemma - Journey of Self discovery

So, I've been spanked, hard! I have spanked myself hard, I have spanked others even harder! I'm now heading for a different road, one that still includes all the best bits of me, all the naughty bits, all the hot steamy bits, and plenty of spanking still to be had! But this time I'm creating characters to play out my delightful erotic fantasies, I hope you enjoy the new ride as much as the previous one...

Marla's World

Sporadic randomness from a disheveled mind.

Miss D

My BDSM adventures and accounts as a kinky sadomasochist

The Middle-Aged Bisexual

Struggling with my bisexuality in a heterosexual relationship

Porn Girl

BDSM, Femdom, D/s, sex and life in general

Water bound girl

A Submissive Journey

Binerd88

Musings & Interests of a Bisexual Man

wildwestangel.wordpress.com/

A journey into surrender

Finding Strength in my Submission

Mature audience only, 18+ NSFW...kinky sex & spankings ahead!

Acquiescent Soul

Internal Perspective

Domestic Discipline, Jenny style!

Unconventional journey to unimaginable fulfillment.

Life

by Hannah

Hopeful Heartache

Ramblings about life, relationships, anxiety, depression, and questions.

SeXXy Julie

Sordid Sex Stories & Erotica of a Cougar

Temperature's Rising

Still hot. (It just comes in flashes now.)

Bellaelena

Random thoughts from a random mind

thewritingofpassage

Writing about recovery.

Wake Up- Get Up- Stand up

"We the People" need to stand together.

The Watering Hole

Where everyone comes to quench their thirst for insight to life's challenging questions.

afortnightaway

Parts Of My Life

Date A Bisexual

Love the one you love

ophisophia

The Wise Serpent

a worried whimsy

bouncing between happy and anxious

The Self-Actualized Life

Have a fulfilling life sexually and every other way!

Larry Archer's World (LarryArcher.blog)

------ Erotica from the dirty mind of Larry Archer

theopenwife

is there a path to a successful open marriage?

thesinofindia

The silent inside of an anonymous Indian rebelling against society

The (Bi)te

The uninteresting world of a young bisexual girl

The Bi-Love-Ed RESEARCHER

What Perspective Matters Most Depends on Your Perception

Kittykat-bitsandbobs

Just my random thoughts and meanderings... I'll try to keep you entertained

smallpenisbigissues

when and why size matters

undermounted

I write when the choice is to die if I don't

My SEXuality

Why am I afraid to tell you who I'am?

Confessions of a Cheating Housewife

...because love just isn't enough ;)

Apparently I Don't Exist

The Many Adventures of a Bisexual Genderqueer

Writing Myself into a Hole

The flailing scraps of a struggling writer. Original fiction and creative whining, whenever my petulance will allow it.