“…join me in this?”
You kinda/sorta don’t generally hear this question outside of the thing that if you’re bisexual, the first thing you wanna do is have a threesome. One of the things I’ve been aware of – and have been kinda curious about – are those bisexuals who’d be happy if their partner would jump in the pool with them… and then the partner asking about this often becomes frustrated because they don’t or, what tends to happen, they get their head handed to them for having the nerve to even suggest such a thing.
There are a lot of things that play into a non-bisexual partner not wanting to join the party. One is they ain’t like that and wouldn’t be for any reason. Another is the sanctity of the relationship itself and keep in mind that unmarried couples are held to the same standards as married ones are. Yet another is, um, yeah, they’ve been thinking about it for themselves but afraid to say anything about it. Now, for this one, you’d think that being asked to jump in with their bisexual partner opens the door for discussion… but that doesn’t always happen – it’s one of those, “Yeah, but…” things I like to point out at times.
I understand that when one has their bisexuality in hand it “makes sense” to bring their partner along for the ride with them… except the logic of such a thought rarely matches the reality of what the partner being invited is thinking. A guy asks why his woman doesn’t want to have sex with another woman and, really, you gotta scratch your head wondering why (1) he’d even ask this question and (2) why he doesn’t know the answer already.
Let’s see… she won’t do that because she doesn’t believe in it. Maybe tried it before and either liked it or didn’t – but now she’s in a relationship with you so all bets are off. Maybe she wants to but she’s not concerned about herself – but she’s worried about how her man is gonna behave with another woman in the mix. One of the biggest gripes bisexual women have is that their guy wants to be all up her business, from wanting to join them when they have sex to claiming he has the right to choose her partners for her. And let’s not overlook the obvious: Women aren’t known for their ability and willingness to share.
But neither are guys so much. Why won’t he jump in with his bisexual lady? He doesn’t believe in that shit, might be scared shitless to find himself being tagged as gay, and some guys actually are afraid that if they try it, they’re gonna like it. Ooh… scary stuff! Most guys can’t deal with sharing their woman with anyone else because of the rules of being in a relationship and being monogamous to fears of loss and being made to “look bad” – nothing will trash the male ego faster than a guy watching his lady with another guy and she’s having “more fun” with the other guy than she’s ever had with him and, of course, the fear is that some guy – or even gal – will have sex with her and it’ll be so good that she’s gonna ditch him in favor of the better and more exciting sex.
Why won’t/don’t they join the party? They don’t have to if they don’t want to! A lot of people pondering this ask what they can do to convince their partner to be “just as bi as they are” and, well, you gotta convince them; you’d have to be able to explain it all to them and convince them that going this way is going to be of great benefit to them or, as I’ve heard it asked, “What’s in it for me? What am I getting out of this?”
Most people have a very hard time answering this one and more so since, perhaps obviously, you’re asking them to do something that’s gonna be way out of the box for them. Even if ya happened to know that they were… party-goers in their past – and usually when they were single – well, that was then and it has no bearing on what’s going on now.
Some of the pushback and resistance that takes place is the asker being unable to really explain why their partner should be all up into something that has little or nothing to do with them… but everything to do with the person asking. So any discussion has to be framed and centered on us or give me a reason how me doing this is going to make things better for us. And, oh, yeah, “more sex,” while probably nice, isn’t the main answer and shouldn’t be the only answer.
And if you can’t put forth a very compelling and convincing response – and especially for someone who has no prior experience in this and other reasons why they haven’t even thought about it (except to say they’d never do it for any reason), well, chances are good that you’re going to be all by yourself in this and there’s a good chance that because you’ve brought this up and have revealed yourself to be bi, ya better not even think about sneaking behind their back to do any dirt ya might have in mind to do.
I hear people asking this and I tell them, “Good luck with that…” and I’m not being facetious or making light of the matter because the success rate in this is pretty much non-existent. I’d go as far to hazard the guess that if you had 100 couples facing this particular situation, you’d be doing something if 2 of them said, “Okay! Let’s try it and who knows – I just might like it!”
On the one hand, it’s an intellectual exercise that requires thought and logical processing… but the reason why it probably won’t happen is, again, more emotional than logical even though the emotional response appears to be based upon a logical decision because, sure – a person can think of a gazillion reasons why they wouldn’t want to get into any same-sex stuff.
And few reasons why it just might be a good thing to do. You’d be hard-pressed to convince someone how them joining the pool party is going to be good for the relationship and I’ve heard many say, “It’ll bring us closer together!” It would… if the person you’re asking could see them doing something they’ve been told never to do. Do people fantasize about doing the bi thing?
Yep, they do… doesn’t mean they’re gonna do it. You might be able to get the partner to admit that they do or have at any time fantasized about it but the thing about fantasies is that… they’re fantasies; figments of one’s imagination and all that. Presenting them with an opportunity to make that fantasy real? Convince them that it’s going to be in their best interest and in the best interest of the relationship.
And I really do wish you a lot of luck doing that. If ya don’t get told, “No fucking way – you done lost your goddamned mind!” you can probably consider it a minor “victory” to get a “Yeah, but…” kind of response from them – but that doesn’t mean that they’d consider it; that’s just them saying they understand what you’re saying… and here comes every reason they can bring to bear for why they’re not gonna do it.
It makes me wonder if bisexuals who ask their partner to jump in with them ever think about what it took for them to accept their own bisexuality and then get up the nerve to actually have sex like that. I wonder if the logic ever clicks in their heads to think, “Well, I had a hard time adjusting to it so they’re gonna have a hard time, too!”
And given all the angst and other bullshit being spread around against being bisexual, well, yeah – good luck trying to convince someone who isn’t bisexual that becoming bisexual is gonna be a good thing for them right along with, again, how them “going bi” is going to make the relationship better… and more so if they’re of a mind that there’s nothing “really wrong” with the relationship as it currently stands.
And, sometimes, even if things on the home front are… shaky, have fun trying to convince them that being bisexual right along with you is going to make things better. Now, it’s not as if one can’t muster the brain power to present a very compelling argument in favor of this but most arguments tend to fall apart during the “what if” phase of the discussion and you can bet anything you care to that you’re going to be asked “what if” kinds of questions you will not be able to answer… because there’s no way for you to know what the answers are.
“We’ll worry about that if/when we have to” is not a good answer. How does one answer, “What if I don’t like it?” How does one answer the even trickier thing of, “What if I like it… and I really like it?” And it is a trick because if you respond with, “Well, that means you like it and that’s the whole thing!” you just set yourself up for some shit down the road. It’s really a trick question and one that gets asked to see if you’ve really thought about the consequences, whether they’re good or not.
See, a lot of people who want their partner along for the ride tend to think short-term and not as long-term as is really required… because it’s a lot to think about and tends to require a crystal ball. They also think about this in ways that won’t cause the relationship to end or otherwise “go out of control” oh, like, they’ve gotten their partner to dive in and they not only like it but now they get “candystoreitis” and they want and need more… a whole lot more and in excess of what the asking partner wants and needs.
Some folks won’t even bring this topic up because they usually know that if their partner agrees, there’s going to be no containing them; they’re gonna want more than what’s been planned to provide, oh, like, going off on their own to get their bisexual fix whenever they need to.
I’m gonna tell you that if this isn’t something that crosses your mind – and you don’t have an answer for it or don’t have a plan in place to cover it, well, hmm, I think you should think about this… and think about it a lot. If you don’t get flat-out rejected asking them about this, yeah, you could be opening Pandora’s Box and now you’ve created a monster… and one ya might not be able to control.
If you’re brave enough, sure – you can ask them but if you believe that there’s no harm in asking, ya might wanna rethink that one. You might stand a better chance asking them for a heterosexual-like open relationship than you do asking them to become bisexual and “just because” you are. It’s difficult – and that’s putting it mildly – to convince someone who doesn’t have a “bisexual bone” in their body to try to be bisexual; it’s difficult to convince someone who is firmly and deeply rooted in monogamy to not be monogamous.
It’s difficult to put together a compelling and comprehensive argument for why they should do this. It’s at times and situations like this when one tends to find out that they really don’t know the person they’ve been in a relationship with. I know of a guy who put this on the table with his woman and because he heard her say that she’d sleep with that hot chick she saw on TV… then he found himself searching for his head after his lady lopped it off and sent it bouncing somewhere.
Just because your partner might say something like that doesn’t mean they’d want to actually do it. This whole thing calls for a level of conversation that is beyond deep: This is about as personal as it can get because you’re putting their beliefs, feelings, and personal views about themselves under a lot of stress… and stress they’re not gonna want to be bothered with. You’re probably asking them to do what is to them, unthinkable. And if you’ve not given this particular point a whole lot of thought and consideration, well, hmm.
Go ahead. Ask them to join you in being bisexual. Don’t get me wrong – some people actually do agree to it and for whatever reason makes sense to them. But usually and generally? Ain’t gonna happen and they won’t give a fuck about how eloquently you make your presentation. I’d say that there might be one slim glimmer of hope in that you could, after getting kicked to the curb on this now, ask them again later… and much later because, who knows – they could have reason at a later date to change their mind.
Or not. Why won’t they? They don’t want to. They don’t have to. They don’t need to and the biggest hurdle: They don’t believe in it. Now go on and do your best to both challenge and change someone’s beliefs in this… and you’ll better understand why I say, without any jokes or other shit like that, “Good luck with that one.”
You’re gonna need it.