Is it a must? After yesterday’s scribble, I spent some time thinking about those moments when sex with a guy would turn into more than that and, back then, the only time I really saw guys being romantic with me was when the other guy was gay or close enough for government work. There were always situations where a guy would tell me how much he liked me as well as times when there would be a guy who was found to be much more interesting than someone to have sex with and I really liked the guy to want to hang out and do other things, well, um, if we could keep our clothes on long enough to do those other things.
It wasn’t like having a boyfriend; it wasn’t exactly having a friend who was a boy and having a Friend With Benefits… but, sure, if you were tight with a guy and sex would “eventually” happen, okay – not that big of a deal and more so when myself – and along with other bi guys I was coming into contact with – were of a mind that having sex with someone you liked enough to want to do it with them was okay and more so when it didn’t make sense to do it with someone you didn’t like in any way, shape, form, or fashion.
Sometimes a guy would say that he wished we could be boyfriends but, I dunno – guys have a weird kind of understanding about this that said, well, we’re both boys and we’re friends so that works, huh? That we were probably having sex wasn’t “really” a part of that discussion but I felt, at the time, it was an expression of how close we were as friends and, honestly, we’d find that other than getting naked with each other, we really did have other things that were dear to our hearts in common. We were all very much aware of how gay guys were hated and reviled and even the more… gayer fellas would say that if we were boyfriends, that would be nicer… but especially for them, it was very risky and would paint a huge target on them – and their boyfriend – and subject both guys to some really rotten shit from unbelievable ridicule to being subjected to violence.
No one wanted to be subjected to that shit so, by and large, guys who were, let’s say, much more than friends but were definitely lovers would just keep it under their hats and, besides: Was there really a reason to go there when, for one, we were friends already and, for another one, we were having sex just the same. How deep the friendship was or wasn’t… eh, it just was whatever it was; it was often good enough that we were more alike in that we had a secret we weren’t of a mind to let everyone else in on. The first time I can remember another guy telling me that he loved me – and looking back at that moment – I think I had already known that he was in love with me before he said that he was; in today’s terms, we’d say that he was clingy and quite the overtly emotional kind of guy. Not necessarily “gay” but, yeah, when a guy feels that his day hasn’t meant anything without being all up under you, well, that was weird since “everyone” knew that guys who were in love with each other were very gay… except this guy wasn’t gay and neither was I.
Guys were being friends and telling each other that they loved each other like a brother; whether it was in a romantic sense, well, that’s hard to put a finger on and more so when it was quite possible to bond with a guy but there was nothing sexual about it, well, not in the sense that we’d always want to rip each other’s clothes off but we could and would talk about sex – and even sex with other guys – and felt safe to do so; it wasn’t like either of us were gonna go tell everyone what we were talking about and while it may have crossed our minds to do it to each other, sometimes, it just never happened even if we happened to mention that, um, you know, if you ever wanted to do it, I wouldn’t say no to that.
That didn’t mean that there weren’t guys – bi or gay – out there looking for romance but it sticks in my mind that while it was or might be nice to be romantic, it wasn’t a necessity so much if one guy liked the other guy enough to want to have sex. At a high level, I think guys knew that having feelings for someone and having sex with them were two different things and that you didn’t really need the first thing in order to do the second thing and, besides: Having those feelings was awkward since we also knew that if you were gonna have those feelings, they were to be directed at and expressed to girls/women. You could tell a guy that you really liked him and even care about him with or without the sexual component and it was like, “Cool – I really like you, too, not like we’re gonna be boyfriends like that, right?”
Right… and more so when a lot of us would learn that some guys? Hmm… they didn’t react well knowing that feelings were getting that deep. Hanging out together? Cool. Having sex with each other? Nice! Things being more than that? Um, let’s not and say we did but, again, the overall thing we all seemed to know is that you didn’t have to like a guy “like that” in order to have some good, nasty sex with each other. Indeed, a lot of guys – and myself included – were of a mind that really falling in love with a guy was impossible; it just wasn’t gonna happen… and a lot of guys – and myself included – found out how wrong we were about that and that it was very damned possible for two guys to be in love with each other and not in that “brotherly” sense.
Nothing shook me up more than the day a guy told me that he was in love with me and I not only saw the truth of his words but the truth of how I felt about him and it was an even bigger shock to hear myself say, “I love you, too!” – and I knew I meant it and it was very damned real. Just when you think you have other guys – and yourself – figured out, you wind up getting your whole world turned upside down. A lot of guys were literally feeling the love and a lot of friendships – and let’s call it “sexships” – were falling by the wayside because that lovey-dovey stuff? Oh, hell, no – I ain’t gay! It’s not to say that two guys didn’t feel this way about each other but if ya didn’t want to rock the boat so much that it would sink, if you told him that you loved him, it had better been, “I love you like a brother, man!”
Even though I had found out what it’s like to be in love with a guy and how crazily wonderful it could be, still – and at the “high level” of things – guys were throwing it down with other guys with no more emotional connection to each other than liking each other because, again, you just did not ever have sex with anyone you didn’t like that much. Of course, there were those guys who only liked you because, um, because you had a dick and he wanted to get at it. Did they care about what you liked or other stuff like that? Yeah… not so much and finding myself in those situation would teach me what it felt like to be just a piece of ass and very much unappreciated. For myself, it wasn’t so much a need to feel or be romantic but, damn, dude, you just wanna have sex with me because I look good to you and not much more than that?
Oh, yeah – when I tell you that bi guys find out a lot of shit about why women behave the way they do, it’s no joke. I mean, you don’t really have to like me but it sucks when a guy doesn’t give a shit about you unless he’s having sex with you, um, not that the sex would be all that bad… but still! At least give a fuck about me being the person I am! But the reality was that giving that much of a fuck? Not really needed and I spent a lot of private time ripping this apart to see that while a guy giving a fuck about you makes you feel warm and fuzzy, getting some dick was and could be just as warm and fuzzy and then some so I learned -as did other guys – that if there wasn’t a whole lot of “extra liking” going on, that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing and more so when, once again, you just had to like something – anything – about a guy and enough to want to have sex with.
If there were guys who were of a more romantic bent, I gotta say that there were a lot of gay men who, in their great eagerness to be in a relationship with you, would purge that feeling right out of you. At this point, I knew what it was like to be in love with a guy and to be romantically bonded to him and, really, it did, at least for me, complete the circle and gave me an understanding of what love could really be like… but I was learning – and so was a lot of bi guys – that gay men? They had a whole different agenda and nothing riled them up more than them telling you how much they loved and wanted a relationship with you… and you just weren’t feeling that and more so when one of the conditions they insisted on was giving up women and pussy.
Yeah… not even gonna do that. And to be honest, if I was feeling that way, yup – you just killed the shit out those feelings, fella. Us bi guys operated under the premise that if we liked each other enough for sex to happen, that was fine… but you want me as a boyfriend and talking about us living together and all that romantic stuff? Yeah, um, no. I like being around you and like having sex with you but feeling love or otherwise being romantically involved with you? Sorry but no thanks; women are “bad enough” in these things but I – and other bi guys – were learning that romantically minded guys were a lot worse than any women we knew of. If nothing else, I learned the way a lot of gay men thought and felt and in the single-minded way they tended to think and feel so for a guy who had a thing for both men and women? Yeah… not sure how that’s gonna work.
Besides: Just because that’s the way you feel doesn’t mean I feel the same way or that I’m going to… or that I have to; why make this more complicated than it already is? In this period, there was a lot of romantic intent in the air but the lack of it didn’t really mess up opportunities to get dicks out and put them to use on each other and, again, some guys would be so insistent about the romantic aspect that it would just ruin a good thing. If being romantically involved with a guy wasn’t your thing, it wasn’t that big of a deal because there were still a whole lot of guys who didn’t want to be bothered with romance; they might like you and definitely like having sex with you and, well, that worked; no need to fuck up a good thing when it doesn’t have to get fucked up.
Then the NY Times, many years later, would publish a piece that said that bisexuality was real… and I was laughing my ass off and rolling my eyes so much that they really did work. And the kicker? Bisexual males were real, too! No shit, Sherlock! Really? I mean, who knew? To me, it seemed like the whole fucking world was off and running with this and, um, “stupidly” so, I thought. Everyone was acting like bisexuality and male bisexuals were something new and astonishing under the sun, which had me wondering what rock they’d been living under. People were saying, “There’s no such thing as a bisexual man – he’s either gay or he isn’t!” and I was genuinely stunned to see/hear something that I had first heard decades ago and the even bigger kicker?
People insisting that if you weren’t in a same-sex relationship and romantically so, there was no fucking way you could be – or call yourself – bisexual. Wait, what? I spent a lot of time reading the stuff that was appearing all over the place including items written by those who said that since they had no interest in being romantic and being in a same-sex relations, they couldn’t be bisexual… could they? Ever since then, wow – I’ve seen and heard a lot of bisexuals jump on the bandwagon that in order to truly be bisexual, you must be romantically involved and in a relationship in the same-sex way.
What the fuck? I admit that this blew my mind so much that it actually took me a while to recognize what was driving this… nonsense: The heteronormative way of doing things where love, sex, and relationships have always been mandated. Men and women were speaking out about how much they wanted and needed both the sex and its intimacy but that relationship thing? Not feeling it and they were of a mind that not wanting or needing to be romantically attached to someone just totally invalidated their bisexuality. And bi guys? Holy crap… there were – and still are – a great many men who insist that if you’re not going to be into them and more than just wanting to have sex with them, well, you ain’t getting nothing here! Having sex with a guy and “just because” it can be done? Preposterous! Cannot and should not ever be done! Even implying that it was a certain guarantee that if you threw it down with a guy and there was no romantic involvement and no relationship-like situation in place, you were gonna get infected with something.
Years before, I had read something that said that the only legal sex in the United States was relationship sex which, in fact, played right into what I – and others – had been told about having sex including caring/being in love with the person first and foremost and, of course, having sex outside of a relationship was a sin – fornication – and, well, if you were doing things like that, you might want to have your fireproof undies on since you’re gonna burn in hell for fornicating. All across the Internet, I was reading things that kept insisting that if you weren’t bi-romantic, you weren’t bisexual; if you had no thoughts or feelings about being in a romantic relationship with someone who was the same sex – and, later, gender – as you were, there’s no way in hell you could say that you were bisexual.
And me being the very bisexual guy I’ve always been and way before any of this came to be? I was stuck on stupid and if you’ve ever really wondered why I keep saying that things didn’t used to be like this, well, now you know because being bi-romantic – and all that it’s said to imply and involve, did not exist; it wasn’t even a real or serious consideration unless you found yourself involved with a gay man… and not even all that much then. On the many forums I’d been a member of? If a guy said that he didn’t like guys like that, he’d get flamed big time because “the majority” was firmly of a mind that there was just no way in hell that you could like and want some dick but not like men like one likes women and, yeah, after that stupid article came out, so did all the people who insisted that being bisexual was a 50/50 thing and that you had to like the same sex and you did the opposite sex and without exception.
Are you reading all of this and shaking your head? Welcome to my bisexual world as it exists in the here and now. I’ll repeat what I said yesterday: This isn’t necessarily a wrong way to go about being bisexual and if you’re more of a bi-romantic kind of person, all well and good… but romance and relationships aren’t a hard set necessity when all you really want and need to do is be intimate with someone and, ironically and as Mrs. Fever pointed out in her comments yesterday, bisexual women are not all that romantically inclined when it comes to wanting to be intimate with other women; it’d be nice… but works quite well without it. Bi guys used to be like this and many still are but it seems to me that more and more bi guys are requiring and demanding that before you can have sex with them, you’d better be into them and prove that you are without your dick getting involved.
Maybe now you can understand why I tend to scratch my head a lot about this and why I really can’t say that the push in this direction is a good or bad thing because where acceptance of bisexuality is concerned, it seems that if you’re romantically and relationally bonded in the same-sex way, well, okay; that means you’re doing things just like everyone else is and has been doing them. Romance and relationships good, not having them involved, very bad. It really does crack me up and makes me roll my eyes to have a guy tell me that just because I don’t require a guy to be my boyfriend and we’re all into each other, I’m not really bisexual… and even more so when I was bisexual before most of those guys were even born… and their parents hadn’t been born.
The good thing is that a lot of bi guys are really getting more in touch with their emotions and are accepting that however they feel about other guys is not only how they feel but it’s really okay for them to feel this way… because it really is and I will never discount this or say it’s not a real-deal thing… I just don’t think it’s a hard-set necessity because I know, even if they don’t, that it never was a hard-set necessity and, again, not even when gay men were interacting with each other. If it went down like that, fine… but if not? We can still have sex, right? Sure we can but in these things, everyone has their own idea about what being in love is supposed to be like and “just having sex,” well, that happens but shouldn’t happen without some being into – and, at the least, being Friends With Benefits, being established and in place first and foremost.
And if you’re a bi guy and not doing things in this way, well, you’re doing it wrong. If you’re not waiting for Mr. Right to come along (and then not doing one damned thing to find him), settling for Mr. Right Now is not only fucked up but instantly and immediately dangerous and potentially fatal. And I sit back, day after day, and see this going on and wonder what the fuck is happening and, importantly, why it is happening. Again, I’ll never say that being bi-romantic is going about things the wrong way… but I do very much question the hard-set need for it since there are still a lot of guys who really don’t like guys like that… but they sure as hell like dick a whole lot more.
And if you needed more evidence about why I keep saying that if you think women are funny about this stuff, men are even funnier about it, well, here’s my take on it and everything I keep hearing and seeing has done little to dissuade me from being of a mind that being bi-romantic is the way it should be and not being bi-romantic, well, you must be some kind of fucked up individual to like dick – but not be into the guy attached to it. Early on in this debacle, it was being said that if you were really bisexual, you would – and should – be more into the person than having sex with them; otherwise, there’s no way you’re bisexual. This sentiment really had me stuck on stupid because it was being implied that people – bisexuals -were just running around all over the place and having sex without one iota of consideration about the person they were looking to have sex with… and it’s never been like that even if it appeared to be that way because, again and all along, having sex with someone you didn’t or couldn’t find something likeable about? No one in their right mind does that and especially when you can run into someone and see something – anything – about them that just rubs you the wrong way; you might talk to them but you sure as fuck ain’t gonna have sex with them.
So, yeah – I just do not know anyone who would have sex with someone that they haven’t given some thought about first, whether it’s only a few minutes of thought or a longer period of time; even I will take however much time I need to think about the person who’s looking to get into my underwear or I’m of a mind to get into theirs… so where is this “hearts not parts” crap coming from? Well, I know where it comes from and it stems from something I heard when I was a wee lad: You do not ever have sex with anyone you don’t love or care for and especially don’t know a whole lot about, and aren’t in a relationship with and if they wanna have sex with you without any of those things, run away – just run away.
Not wrong… but not really right since, if you know anything about humans, we, um, we do have sex just for the hell of having sex and if it can be NSA, so much the better. Like Mrs. Fever said, it’s interesting that bisexual women are becoming more NSA about it while bisexual men are looking for, expecting, and demanding that strings get attached and with Gorilla Glue (nope – just couldn’t resist that one). Relationships do not validate sexuality nor does being romantically inclined; still not bad or wrong if one is romantically inclined and relationship-minded but it’s optional… not mandatory as it continues to be insisted that it has to be. And don’t get me started on the attraction thing and I just might want to write something about that but, for now, I’ve written enough, methinks.
Bi-romanticism is a real thing and something that’ll either work for a person or is deemed to not be a great necessity because it doesn’t really lend itself to validating one’s sexuality. I am bisexual; I’ve been this way for a very damned long time and I validated this about myself without romance or relationships even being a consideration – but knowing that I liked guys and their cocks – and still a fiend about women? I’d say that validates my bisexuality in a nutshell. Romance? Been there; absolutely wonderful as was the relationship. Is is needed when I find something I like about a guy and enough that, hmm, you know, getting that dick wouldn’t be a bad thing?
No… and I’m not the only bisexual – male or female – who thinks and feels this way but it’s starting to look like we’re quickly becoming a minority in these things.