Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 18 September 22

I saw on the forum that the poll/post about preferring to suck dick or eat pussy is still very much alive and well and… reading what the guys have and are saying tends to amuse me because it’s another of those “choices” things that are of the either/or variety and one that I think tends to lock bisexuals into boxes that bisexuality tends to free one from.

It’s not sucking dick or eating pussy – it’s sucking dick and eating pussy. I see guys responding to this and it’s always about which thing they prefer to do over the other. I’m not surprised that a lot of guys have responded that, oh, yeah, for them, it’s sucking dick over eating pussy and even kinda saying, “Yeah, I like to eat pussy, but…” and I read this stuff, laugh, and wonder why guys do this and why a lot of bisexuals tend to think “or” instead of “and.”

Stuff like this is too much like that silly notion that people are either straight or they’re gay. It’s an absolute or, as I often like to say, thinking like a Sith straight out of Star Wars. I know that I can have sex with a man or a woman and it’s all about availability and all that but at the high level of things, I can and do have sex with men and women. It’s sucking dick and eating pussy. One isn’t all that preferred over the other because there’s no reason to. I love doing both even though I also know that there are up and down sides to giving someone head and, well, that’s just how it goes in these things.

How many times have I been hit with one of these choice kind of questions… and the person asking them gets stuck on stupid when I say, “Both!” Or my favorite response of, “Yes!” It’s both. It’s not preferring one over the other but preferring both. Bisexuals often talk about this being two-sided and, yeah, it is, but they do it in terms of having a straight side and a gay one which gives them the impression that being bisexual is living two different lives instead of living just one life that includes wanting and being able to have sex in the “gay mode” of things. We tend to see this as two different things… and it is… but not really because at the root of this is… it’s sex.

I’ve often thoughts that because bisexuals break that “straight or gay” nonsense – and because we are both but, importantly, not exclusively one or the other – getting into stuff like do you prefer to suck cock or do you prefer to eat pussy is… silly since, um, sexually active bisexuals tend to do both and that’s because they prefer to give head. Period. Questions like this are… nitpicky. Tends to try to shove one back into the social “mindset” that you’re either straight or you’re gay and then those annoying question of preferring to be one way over the other and… being nitpicky and, I think, just losing sight of the big picture.

My answer to this was, “Yes!” And, as expected, someone asked me why I responded like that instead of stating my preference and my answer was, “Because I prefer to suck dick and eat pussy.” There is no “or” in the way I think and feel about this. Not sure why this is so hard for some people to understand but, okay, I do know why and it goes back to either being straight or being gay. One or the other… but not both because who does that?

Oh, yeah – bisexuals do. Well, which do you prefer more? Men or women? Dick or pussy? Sucking or eating. Giving or receiving? Top or bottom? It says something about how humans think and, yeah, not all that different from how computers “think;” a bit is either on or it’s off. Yes or no, true or false but also if, then, and else and, yeah, it’s interesting and more so when you consider that we program computers or try to and in the same way we think. Makes sense. But you can easily send a computer into a looping mode when it’s presented with an argument or statement that creates a conflict; it’s not on but it’s not off; it’s yes and no and getting to if, then, and else, well, that’s not going to happen until a programmer goes in, finds the erroneous piece of the code that caused the loop and fixes it.

But humans are… hard to fix in this sense and it’s why bisexuality tends to fuck with people because it’s something that our social programming takes into consideration and… it can’t be both or it’s on and off; it’s yes and no. What the fuck? Pick a side and stay on it! And, yup, prefer one thing/aspect over the other. It’s not men or women; it’s both. It boggles the minds of many. It should be one or the other, but it isn’t. Okay. I know guys who wouldn’t eat pussy if you paid them to, but they do suck dick. I know guys who won’t suck dick but will eat pussy. That’s preference but not one that applies to all bisexuals. We still get stuck in this either/or loop when we ask if we like eating pussy more than we like sucking dick and… not being able to see that, sure, eating pussy is da shit… but so is sucking dick.

Bisexuality defies everything we know about sex and sexuality. But we still think in absolutes and, again, I’ve baffled a lot of people because I don’t prefer one or the other; I prefer both and in no particular order. It all depends on… availability. Whomever I can convince to let me give them head first. Being in that “perfect moment” where I can suck dick and eat pussy and like I’m at a buffet because I prefer to do both. It’s not two different things but just one thing: Oral sex. Giving head. Any other consideration is being… nitpicky. And then being of a mind that one thing has to be preferred over the other; you’re either going to have sex like you’re a straight dude and prefer to only eat pussy or you’re gonna have sex like a gay dude and prefer to only suck dick. Preferring both and not being… wishy-washy about it is, well, who does that?

Oh. That would be me and not just because I’m orally fixated but the logic says that it doesn’t make sense to prefer one over the other when both are so much damned fun to do. I like both. I do both. Eat pussy and suck cock. Kinda makes me the weirdo because I will not and cannot say that I prefer eating pussy over sucking cock… because it’s not the truth for me. And I would learn that the secret to keeping this simple is to not think of this as being two different things because it’s all one thing: It’s having sex. Realizing that, anatomical differences aside, I can do to a man the same thing I can do to a woman: Give them head. Lick it. Suck it. Make them – and myself – feel really damned good.

Good and bad things about both aspects. Occupational hazards and you learn to deal with and adjust to them. I’m sitting here and really trying to think why I would prefer one over the other and it’s not working. I know what I like and don’t like about doing either thing but that doesn’t create a preference for one over the other since, um, it can be fun and not so much and that depends on some… stuff that I may or may not encounter or experience it in the exact same way every time. I do remember the first time someone asked me this specific question and… I got stuck on stupid because I knew, right down to the core of what I am, that I preferred… both. Whichever one I could get my mouth on first and not caring about it.

Doesn’t much matter to me as long as I get to give someone head. I do believe that my oral fixation “erases” the “or” in this question and I’m good with that and, logically and even emotionally, there’s no need for the “or” to be in the equation. Eat that pussy right off her body and do the same thing to his dick. Ravish them. “Abuse” them in that delightful way that, hopefully, will make them cum, orgasm, squirt, or whatever happens when they get shoved over the edge.

And me right along with them. It’s so exciting to do both. I have orgasmed doing both and, yeah, I have busted a nut doing both and without anyone’s “assistance.” Embarrassing the first time that happened but, uh, isn’t eating pussy/sucking dick supposed to be very exciting and pleasing to me as well? The logic said, “Yup…” and my emotions agreed. Eat it. Suck it. Both are good and… I prefer to do both. The logic suggests that I can, in fact and in deed, eat dick and suck pussy… because, um, yeah, that’s what I’m doing.

The oral fixation says, “It’s all good and there’s no need to prefer one over the other.” It’s not so much about what I “feel” like doing but what I can do. I can be sucking dick and thinking about eating pussy and in the reverse. Shit yeah. Gimme, gimme. Let me do it to you like this. That annoying question: If you had to choose between eating pussy or eating dick, which one would you prefer to do and/or which would you do first?

What kind of question is that… and why are you trying to make me choose one over the other? Oh, that would be because our social norms insists that we choose one over the other and, preferably, straight sex over gay sex and then totally overlooking the fact that it’s all… sex. Do I prefer to top or bottom? Yes. What do you mean I have to pick just one when I know that I enjoy both roles? Okay. To the question of cut or uncut, yeah, I had a problem with uncut and it was irrational, and I knew it. I got over it (all late and wrong) so, yeah. Both. And then understanding and remembering that women are all uncut. Well, shit. How can I be weird about sucking a guy who isn’t cut when I habitually eat pussy and knowing that women have… foreskin covering the head of their clit?

But this was part of me eliminating both preferences and that annoying “or” that we just perpetuate because we think it’s two different things and we must choose or prefer one over the other. Where’s the fun in that? And, intelligently, does this make any real sense? To me, it doesn’t make sense because sucking dick/eating pussy isn’t a “take it or leave it” thing for me. The only legitimate “or” is I’m either going to go down on you or I’m not going to and if I don’t, there’s a good reason for it and that includes running into someone who doesn’t like getting head.

And at least in my most humble opinion, the only “or” involved is either you give head both ways or you don’t or at all. I understand preferences and how nitpicky we can get about them and all across the spectrum of having sex. But it begins with preferring to have sex. Cityman and I get into this a lot and, well, he cracks me up at times because he perceives this just like most bi guys do. He prefers to eat pussy over sucking dick, and this makes sense to him because it’s always about what he prefers to do and with whom – male or female – but just now getting to the point where he’s understanding that it’s really both that is preferred because he does like and enjoy giving head and, yeah, he really cracks me up when he talks about how much he now loves sucking dick and sucking the guy off. But he still thinks in terms of it being men or women and, well, he’s a smart guy – he’ll figure it out and see the sense of eliminating that “or” out of the way he thinks about sex and giving head.

Some people figure this out and see how “or” doesn’t make a lot of sense. Most people are stuck in place because “or” makes them choose between one or the other and preferring one over the other. My protege gets to talking about preferences and I still think he’s… baffled that I don’t have any because I’ve seen the fallacy in having them and sticking to them and making them not subject to change. I prefer to give head. Doesn’t matter if I’m going down on a woman or a man. I prefer both. I love both. Nothing else really makes sense, well, it doesn’t make sense to me.

I read the latest responses to the poll/topic and the fellas are all into that which they prefer over the other and getting all nitpicky about why they prefer one over the other and a lot of other stuff that, I think, doesn’t allow them to be more focused on the big picture which, in this, is eating pussy and sucking dick. True enough, not all men eat pussy and don’t even think about asking them to suck a dick… because it’s not what they prefer to do. A lot of focus on what one’s likes to do and not so much on what can be done provided one can get out of the box they’ve stuck themselves in.

I’d never say that no one should have preferences. I do ask, “Why do you let your preferences limit the sexual fun you could be having?” and… how dare I questions someone’s right to want what they want and in the exact way they want it. Hmm. I’ve been seeing this all of my life and, as such, I’ve always pondered this and seeing how that “being straight or gay” thing plays into this “or” mindset that a lot of bisexuals seem to be ensconced in.

I find it… curious. Even being bisexual, we’re into that “picking a side” thing that people keep telling us we have to do and what bisexuality just destroys. It’s… curious. You can point this out to someone and, yup, it’s “Yeah, but…” time. What is preferred. Choosing one over the other and it is implied that you either like eating pussy more or you like sucking dick more and saying that you unconditionally like doing both is like, dude – what’s wrong with you?

Sighing. Yeah, I know what the deal is. It all serves to teach me some stuff about how other bisexuals think and why they do stuff like asking if you prefer to eat pussy or suck dick when the question should be do you prefer to eat pussy and dick and as opposed to not liking to do either thing. People make bisexuality interesting. You can eat pussy but not suck dick. You can suck dick but not eat pussy. Not a problem and, yes, preference. But if you do both – and a lot of us do – is there really a need to prefer one over the other? Apparently, there is and to me, it speaks to how we think about this aspect of having sex.

See ya tomorrow.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 12 September 22

Way back when I was a member of the now-defunct MSN Forums and the group of married bisexual men, I got to communicate with quite a few of those members off-line and, today, I’m recalling (for some reason) one such member writing me and asking me about why the guys who came to me for their first time – or information about having it – well, why did they decide to take such a “drastic” step?

I’d written him back after going through my head to “summarize” those encounters and said that while a lot of those guys were curious about it, a large number of them wanted to know about it because they had zero success convincing girls that it’d be okay for them to have sex. Any kind of sex. I had told him that between the ages of 16 and 25 or thereabouts, there seemed to be a lot of guys in this particular predicament which made sense given that the ladies had some pretty stringent requirements and, I thought, because the pregnancy rate in the state for this age group had skyrocketed and as did incidents of contracting an STD.

So, the babes weren’t giving it up… and what’s a guy supposed to do?

The curious guys were fun to talk to and to have sex with because they’d been wanting to for a long time and many said that they weren’t able to find a guy they could talk to about it, let alone do anything. How they wound up talking to me about it was coincidence; I’d meet such a guy somewhere and we’d get to talking and at some point, having sex with guys would come up and, yeah, usually because they’d find me to their liking and felt that I could be trusted with knowing this about them. Once I’d reveal that I’d been having sex with guys for a long time (at that point), their eagerness to know all about it was… refreshing and if that’s the right word.

I’d say that most of them were very eager to suck dick. Was it true that cum is an acquired taste? When a guy fucks you in the ass, does it really hurt as bad as everyone says it does? Is it really okay to do these things with a guy but still like girls? One of the things that made encountering them fun was they were pretty much fearless because they’d resolved any fears while waiting for a guy like me to give them the introduction they’d been wanting. Like, this one guy and I got to revealing our secrets and he asked if he could suck my dick and I said that he could… and he was on me like a bad habit! We settled into a 69 and I couldn’t remember a guy being so… wired after sucking dick and being sucked off! He was literally running around in circles in the room and speed-rapping (talking really, really fast) about how good it was for him to finally experience this and what took this so long to happen and, wow – he made me tired just watching and listening to him.

Some curious guys were eager but not all that confident and from them, I’d learn more about how girls/women could utterly destroy a guy’s self-confidence by being pretty vicious when rejecting them. Those poor chaps just knew that there was something wrong with them that no girl/woman would want anything to do with them but, as it would turn out, the only thing wrong with the guy was his total lack of confidence to have sex and able to please a partner. I would find these guys somewhat fragile, for lack of a better word. I’d hear a guy say, “I want to do this (and whatever that was) but I know I’m not going to be good at it…” and, sometimes, I’d have a hell of a time trying to get them out of this headspace. Yeah, sure – we all want to be good at having sex and there’s that expectation that you’d better be good which, of course, is impossible to determine without having sex and telling them to not worry about being good at it but be willing and able to do the best you can – and just like the rest of us winds up doing.

They’d have to be… eased into things. This one guy was so worried that he wasn’t going to be good at sucking me that he was shaking like it was freezing cold outside – and it was a rather steamy 85 degrees. Calming him down took some effort and time and, honestly, I was just about the point where I didn’t want to be bothered with helping him get past this “not good enough” shit that was dominating his thoughts and feelings. But I managed to and with the aid of a couple shots of rum. He blew me and did a good job of getting me off but now it was all about letting him know that, yes, he did it right; yes, I enjoyed every moment of it; yes, we can do this again if you want to. No, none of this happened like “mercy fucks” tend to happen; I wanted him to finally find out what’s it’s like to suck dick and be sucked and… it’s okay.

The guys I had the “most problems” with were the guys who were desperate for sex and at the point where jerking off only served to piss them off. They knew there were guys who’d have sex with other guys, but their heads were already chock-full of all the dumb shit, like, if you do something with a guy, you will instantly turn gay – and I’m not joking about that one. They had a lot of fear about the being gay thing as well as being very worried about their reputations but what’s a guy to do when women flat out refuse to have sex with them? Being worried sick because they were being told that their dick wasn’t big enough and other such things and like one guy who told me that this one babe he really wanted to get with rejected him… because he wasn’t wearing an Afro.

I would see that some of those guys were getting rejected because their attitudes just flat-out sucked and, more often than not, if they got to have sex with a guy, it wasn’t going to be with me but, sure – I’ll tell you what I know about it and I’ll tell you why we’re not going to do anything unless you take care of this attitude problem you have. The guys that would often have me scratching my head were the ones who’d get turned down because they refused to eat pussy… but they wanted to find out what it was like to suck a dick. I didn’t pretend to understand that one but “in bits and pieces,” I’d find that their resistance to eating pussy stemmed from believing that bullshit that Black men don’t, won’t, and shouldn’t eat pussy.

One guy said, “Nah, man – I ain’t eating no fish… but I gotta do something so if I gotta suck a dick so I can get mine sucked, well…” Honestly, I didn’t like dealing with the desperate guys, not because they weren’t really decent kind of guys but their levels of desperation were… bothersome. Made some of them aggressive, pushy and demanding and often insultingly so at times. Oh, you’re gonna call me a faggot because I won’t blow you and that’s because your attitude is pretty shitty… but you’re still demanding that I do it and not realizing that if that makes me a faggot, it makes you one, too.

I would… help some desperate guys with this but the majority of them would have to find that relief with some other dude who’d be willing to put up with shit like this.

The forum member and I exchanged a lot of snail-mail with each other before getting on the phone and having hours-long conversations. He was still looking for his first experience to satisfy his curiosity and felt that I was the “perfect guy” to do this with… except we lived in different parts of the country. Which always seems to happen and for reasons I’ve never understood except to say that Mr. Murphy just loves fucking up shit. He had asked me if I’d ever given a guy his first experience… because it just happened, and I said that I had and quite a few times and now, after the fact, we’re both sitting and talking and trying to figure out how the hell that happened.

I regaled the member with one such experience when I was 16 and hanging with a guy at his house and we were playing chess. I’d made a move that told me it would be mate in three moves, and I could tell the moment when he saw it. He started to move, and I thought he was going to tip his king over and got the shock of my life when he kissed me! The whole thing devolved at that point and we’re on the floor sucking each other like it was the end of the world and when I say that he blew a huge load, it’s not any exaggeration!

We’ve both cum and we’re on the floor gasping for air and he gets enough air in his lungs to ask me, “How the fuck did that happen?”

“You’re asking me? You started it!” I replied.

“I know! Why did I do that?” he asked.

“I have no idea,” I said, and it was true: I didn’t. I still don’t. He couldn’t really tell me what he was thinking about in that moment and the best he could say was, “I… just had to do it. I don’t know why I had to. You’re not mad at me, are you?”

Oh, hell, no I wasn’t!

The hardest questions that member had asked me was, “Why does this happen to you?” That was a good question and one that I had wanted to know the answer to as well. We’re on the phone and I had him laughing hysterically when I told him that I thought I had a sign on me that only guys could see and it said, “For a good time, ask me!” – because that’s what it felt like to me. I said that sometimes, it’s about being in the right place at the right time although I’d had some guys specifically looking for me and because someone they knew – and I’d had sex with them – had “recommended” me. I didn’t know how I felt about that since it technically violated the “I won’t tell if you won’t” rule but, okay.

This was before the notion of “gaydar” came to be, but I’d told the member that it just seemed to me that some guys could sense that if they wanted to find out what it was like to have sex with a guy, I’m the guy they need to talk to about it. True enough and with some guys, they’d tell me that I was easy to talk to about this and I answered all of their questions and in a way that, if they were afraid to go for it, they just stopped being afraid and the one thing a lot of those guys told me when I’d ask them, “Why me?” was that they felt or I had proved that I could be trusted.

The member said, “Damn… I wished we lived closer together!” It was a sentiment I’d hear from many of the forum members I would be in touch with, and I was learning so much from them even as they were learning some stuff from me. One guy had said, “Man, you are seriously real about this, aren’t you?” and my first thought was that, yeah, I’m seriously real about it because it didn’t make any sense to me to not be real about it and that’s what I’d told him. Sure, getting some dick is “fun and games” and all that but taking that step into shattering the taboo and risking getting caught up in all the anti-homosexual bullshit? Yeah, that’s some shit that I felt could not be taken lightly. I learned from guys who had a bad first experience that bullshitting a guy about any of this is… a huge mistake.

Is it really an acquired taste? Yeah, it is and even when you get used to it. Does it hurt that bad? Yep, it sure can and the pain doesn’t always go away and that depends on some stuff that involves both guys. Can it make you gay? Well, no, not really but I knew guys who, after having their first time, they realized that they were gay or they’d decided that being gay was “better” than playing games with women and jumping through all of the hoops – then being told, nope, you ain’t getting any of this good stuff.

This level of desperation can be devastating. A guy would tell me that he wanted to try this out because he couldn’t get any pussy and after listening to him and getting a feel of him, well, hmm – I don’t know why the ladies were kicking him to the curb because he’s really a decent kind of guy. Some guys would be like, “I kinda don’t want to do this… but I gotta do something!” and hearing – and sometimes feeling – their desperation was often heartbreaking for me to experience… but this was just the way it was and very likely the way it’s always been.

One such guy had asked me, “Why the fuck does this sound like a good idea?” and… I told him that I didn’t know; it just sounds like the thing that has to be tried and how this pops into a guy’s head? Still don’t know how that works and more so when the guy in question honestly says that until this moment, the thought had never crossed his mind. I just had no explanation for it. I would find it hard to relate to a guy’s level of desperation because while I’d have my share of being kicked to the curb, it wasn’t that big of a deal because I knew there were guys who’d be more than willing to do something and by the time I got married (and things went to being open), it wasn’t like I was hurting from a lack of sex and like so many guys were.

I couldn’t relate to it… but I could learn what it was like for them, and it was important since, in that timeframe, I was having sex with a lot of guys from the very curious to the very desperate. In later years, I would be thinking about this and all the guys who’d come to me and… I wouldn’t have sex with them because they were doing it for all the wrong reasons – and that for me meant they didn’t have a positive attitude – or they had really bad attitudes and/or they just didn’t… feel right. Sometimes, I’d feel so much empathy and compassion for a guy’s plight because I would have the sense that if he didn’t experience this, things would go badly for him, and I still don’t know what would make me feel this way, but I’d learn to not question it a whole lot since I wasn’t getting any answers.

Sometimes, shit really does happen and for no apparent reason. Or maybe it does? This one tends to give me headaches like the guys who I’ve been talking to about general “guy stuff” and they’ve asked, “Why do I want to suck your dick?”

I dunno; you’re asking me like I should know why and more so when they’d also say that if they’d thought about that before, it was the last thing on their mind. Was it something about me, some wakeup call they got in that exact moment, the moment was “ripe” for this to happen, all of the above, or for some other unknown reason? I didn’t know then and I don’t know now. And me sounding like an idiot to respond to such a question with, “Um, do you really want to?” or something along those lines and… dicks would get sucked… but why did he want to in the first place?

I would learn, over this period of time, that once a guy could get over his fears, the next hurdle to get over was being confident and not worried about not being good at it. Being good at it comes with practice and I’d tell them this but I’d also let them know that I’d had some first-time guys blow me like they’ve been doing it all of their life instead of it being their first time. I would learn that some guys have this… stuck in their head so much that they just “figure out” how to do it and when they get that chance to, holy shit – dude, did you tell me the truth that this is your first time? Guys would say, “It felt like the right way to do it…” and did I know why? Nope – sure didn’t!

I would feel a great sense of… honor to be able to give a guy his first sexual experience with another guy. A lot of that came from encountering guys who had already had that first experience, but it didn’t go well for them and hearing some of the ways it went south on them would sometimes infuriate me because they got tossed into the pool to sink or swim, would wind up sinking, and the other guy wasn’t of a mind to stop them from sinking. So being able to show and prove to them that it’s really not that bad and just because it was fucked up then doesn’t mean that it’s going to be fucked up now… because I don’t believe in doing that shit. I mean, I got tossed in and it was an amazing experience but, yeah, some guys got shafted and not in a good way so it was on me to not be that guy.

Even if that meant trying to talk him out of it. Their head… wasn’t in the right place. Their reason for wanting to do this wasn’t quite right. Sometimes, now wasn’t the time for them to experience or I wasn’t the right guy and even not the guy they really wanted to experience this with. I would sometimes tell a guy that he really needs to think about this and, preferably, when his mind is more… settled. If they do this and they still want to experience it, okay, come on back and we’ll see what’s up.

And, yeah, despite everyone’s best efforts, sometimes that first time didn’t go quite right for them. A guy gets into that “after the fact” period and his mind is pretty messed up because he did something that he wasn’t supposed to do and they’re unable to reconcile things and no matter how much I’ve tried to help them do this. That doesn’t feel good and, to me, it always felt like a failure on my part when, in truth, it’s just what can happen with some guys so it’s no one’s fault. I got to understand this… but it still didn’t feel good.

Now it was on me to accept the failure and learn from it. A lot of those guys on that forum were either very curious or very desperate. It sometimes didn’t help that there were gay men in this group, and some were trying to convince other members that they were really gay and all that crap. We eventually got those guys out of the group, but the “damage” had already been done for a lot of the members. Their fears were escalated big time and myself, as well as the other knowledgably members, had a hard time convincing those guys that, no, having sex with a guy does not frigging mean that you’re really gay! Dude, this is a forum for bisexual men!

It was a sad day when Microsoft made that forum go away; there were a lot of really cool guys there and it was a good and safe place for bi guys to gather… after we got rid of the riffraff and other troublemakers. Before it got shut down, a lot of the guys who were sitting on the bench gain the confidence to get off the bench and do whatever it was they wanted to do with guys and not allowing the stigma to fuck with them. Some of the married ones came out to their wives and successfully so, well, most of the time which is a good thing considering the difficulties involved in this.

One guy actually traveled to meet me in person, and it was an amazing experience and one that I might write about some other time if I haven’t already. That first experience makes all the difference in the world and it’s better to go into it via an informed decision than it is to dive in and not really knowing how deep the pool can be. And it’s an honor to give a guy that first experience and some of the funnier moments have been about me letting them know that, sure, if you want to do this with me, it’s not about me. I might be horny but there’s nothing new about that and, as an aside and in these situations, I’m usually not horny and probably because being horny might color what I say and, sheesh, that might not be a good thing since it could get me to push him into a decision he might not want to make and that’s a mistake.

And, yeah, if I am horny, I have to be mindful not to let that “do the talking.” But, sometimes, I’ve had to let them know that, yup, all of this talk has me very horny because I learned that it’s sometimes very important for the guy to know that I do want to blow him or I want him to learn how to blow me, whatever happens to be on the menu and, usually, fucking isn’t the first thing a lot of guys want to get into but it could – and has – come up later. Letting a guy know that, yeah, buddy – I want to do this with you gives them the confidence that I believe is needed to do it so not coming across or giving a vibe that could say, “I’m not really all that interested” could be a very bad thing for him… and me, too.

Guys want to know if they are going to be cared about in this. Not in a romantic sense but I’ve heard a lot of horror stories where a guy wanted his first time with a guy and that dude was like, “Why you bothering me with this?” and then having sex with the first-timer just to get him off his back and stop bugging him about it. That’s yet another mistake and one I was not going to make because as I’ve said in the many times I’ve written about this specific moment, I know how it can go seriously wrong since I’ve sometimes have had to do “damage control” because of what some other fool did.

Sometimes I think that there are people who think that bi guys just have sex just for the hell of it and there’s some truth to this but that’s usually with guys who are already experienced in these things and not so much for guys for which this is some new and scary shit for them… and I don’t hesitate to let them know how scary it can be and how important it is for them to, well, don’t be scared. We’ll take it nice and easy; you can stop this at any time you want and for any reason you want to and, in this, it’s important for them to know that I am not going to be pissed with them or otherwise think badly of them.

Because I also know how guys can freak out at any point… and it still ain’t pretty when they do so it’s on me to not let them freak out and if they do, let them know that everything is okay. And, yeah, sometimes getting bashed by other guys because I do care what happens to them because if I’m not going to care about how this life-changing thing is going to impact them, who’s supposed to?

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 11 September 22

I will never forget and none of us should.

I was just re-reading a TBT I wrote some time ago about swallowing and after re-reading it – which is often interesting for me since I get to see what was on my mind at the time I wrote it – I stand by what I wrote.

If I suck ten guys, I will swallow with nine of them. Why not all ten? Um, because… I didn’t want to for some reason. Sometimes I miss that tenth guy because I’ve taken him out of my mouth and to come up for air and – pow! He’s spurting all over the place and, well, sometimes, it’s just not “worth” trying to catch up with it although, in that situation, I’ve “rushed” to get whatever’s left and Younger Me used to feel bad because it didn’t get into my mouth… and like it was supposed to.

And getting to understand that swallowing a guy’s spunk wasn’t just about whatever thrill I got from doing it but from the expectation involved. Okay the… rule was like if you suck a guy’s dick, the only reason why you don’t suck him off and swallow his cum is if he’s supposed to fuck you and, yep, one of the things we learned early on is if you suck a guy’s dick and he shoots his stuff in your mouth, he’s not going to be able to stick in it you and fuck you for (then) a few minutes and waiting for him to get it back up and in can disrupt the flow of things. The good thing about that back then was it did only take a few minutes before he was ready to do some sticking but as we got older, well, um…

It was bad enough, back in the day, to be called a scum sucker. Really bad. Well, unless you were a girl and that’s because it was their thing to do; either swallow it or get in the pussy. Yeah, stupid and all that but I’m just telling you like it was. Given the utter hatred of homosexual men back then, the last thing you wanted someone throwing in your face as an insult was being a scum sucker, a fudge packer, or a butt bunny which, um, if you were one and/or all of these, it didn’t make being a fun thing while also knowing, deep down inside, that slurping down a guy’s spunk was a fun and pleasurable thing to do and it also raised your popularity with those who didn’t mind letting a guy blow them and, yeah, usually because a lot of girls didn’t want to have anything to do with spunk one way or the other.

I would, one day, wonder about the expectation so many guys had and not feeling too good about myself because I had that expectation as well but it was… different. Sure, if a girl was blowing me and she wanted me to cum in her mouth, yeah buddy but that wasn’t usually the case or it was the exception rather than the rule… except when it was a guy doing it and, well, I thought there was something wrong with that… because, as I would come to understand as Adult Me, there is something wrong with that. I corrected that one in a hurry but what remained to be a given is that unless I was supposed to fuck a guy, if he sucked my dick, he was going to suck me off and whether I “expected” him to or not… because that’s just the way it’s supposed to be.

The guy you didn’t want to be was the guy who wouldn’t swallow it. Your reputation amongst the fellas would take a very serious hit which had the effect of some guys who didn’t like doing that doing it even though they didn’t like it and with some guys, if you didn’t like it, too bad. Peer pressure would often come into play but the thing I couldn’t understand was why, if you suck a guy’s dick, you’re supposed to swallow his spunk to begin with; we just “knew” and learned that this is the way sucking a guy’s dick is to be done and finished. I would, one day and after hearing a guy complaining about some dude he sucked not cumming, get to thinking about a blow job really being a job that didn’t get completed, either as it was supposed to (and not too unlike any real kind of job) or as expected. I would find that the expectation… bothered me.

Not that I had a problem sucking a guy’s balls dry, mind you, but even when we agreed to do this thing to each other, we both knew what had to happen and there was no “excuse” for it not happening. I would start running into guys who wanted to suck my dick but with the caveat of not shooting in their mouth. They didn’t like the taste or the way it felt in their mouth and some guys got traumatized by some dude telling them that if they sucked their dick, they wouldn’t shoot in their mouth – and then, that’s exactly what they did.

Ladies, that sounds familiar, doesn’t it? It should.

If you swallowed his cum, that made you a good to damned good cocksucker. If you didn’t, eh, being mediocre to plain old lousy was what would be said about you and whether you were male or female, as it would turn out. On the real, you don’t have to swallow it if you don’t want to, and no one should argue your reason not to but, yeah, all too often, that wasn’t the case at all. I would get totally pissed to hear a guy tell me, and just before I start sucking him, “And you’d better swallow it, too!”

Really? Guess what I’m not gonna do, you know, since you wanna be that way about it? I’d suck them and I would feel and sense that they’re about to cum and… just step away from the dick and watch him either spurting all over the place or take in the painful look on his face because now, he can’t cum. Yeah, motherfucker – that’s what you get for telling me what I’d better do! The “bad” part was that I knew that I was supposed to and on top of my liking to swallow it. What remained true, though, was that I’m doing you “a favor” by sucking your dick and making you cum and whether I swallow it or not, you should be grateful because I could have said no. And learning that a lot of guys just don’t see it that way.

And it can make one not want to suck dick at all. But now the whole thing, at least from my perspective, got interesting. Girls were now of a mind that unless you were in a relationship with them and “proved” that you loved them for more than their pussy, maybe they’d suck you off and as long as you didn’t make any demands about it. A lot of guys were getting frustrated because… they weren’t following instructions. Girls would learn that if they sucked a guy’s dick and he came, if they were looking to get screwed, it wasn’t gonna happen any time soon or if at all. Their solution to this was to not suck a guy’s off and including not sucking his dick at all. Ah, but what some guys knew or, at best suspected, was that there were guys who’d not only suck your dick and not be all fussy about it, but they’d also suck you off and swallow your cum.

Which was, I’d say, fine until some guys started being “funny” about it and, interestingly enough, not all that dissimilar to how the ladies were being funny about it. What that really did was create a lot of opportunities for those of us who liked/loved to swallow cum… but if homey was gonna act like an asshole about it, guess what wasn’t going to happen? Yeah, even I was prone to being funny about it and all a guy had to do to not get sucked off was to say or do anything I didn’t like at that moment. Anything. A guy said, “Yeah, suck my dick, baby!” and… I stopped sucking him, put my clothes on, and left without a word. Or, one time, a guy grabbed my head and started fucking my mouth like he’d lost his motherfucking mind and it was causing me some problems I didn’t want to deal with.

He came in my mouth, and I let it dribble out and the moment he let go of my head, I sprang up and punched him in the face hard enough to break his nose, which was exactly what I was going for. The bad part? He didn’t think he did anything wrong to deserve a broken nose and, yeah, the fight broke out and I left him with the understanding that it was a big mistake on his part. Again. Later, I would be in a very foul mood and thinking about how it all went down and had the presence of mind to ask myself (1) if he really did do something wrong and (2) should I have reacted the way I did and, yeah, I asked myself the same question about homey calling me “baby.”

And stuff like this affects both the desire to swallow a guy’s nut and the decision to do it at all. With both of these situations, I had to ask myself some tough questions along the lines of whether it was more important to get the satisfaction and pleasure I found in sucking a guy off or letting “petty” things rob me of said pleasure. I had an even tougher time answering those questions but, yeah, I suck dick and I swallow because it pleases me… but I don’t have to put up with any shit I don’t want to put up with. Which led to me having that one condition: Don’t be my idea of an asshole and that includes doing or saying “asshole” shit while I’m having fun working to get you off so I can swallow it.

And, yes, it can be a chore. I can remember “too many” times when, shit, okay, I’ll do it and I really didn’t feel like doing it – and usually because I was tired or just not feeling good. I found that just going through the motions wasn’t… fun. Well, not for me all that much but there was always that tiny bit of satisfaction in knowing that I did him good enough for him to cum. I would feel that way about eating pussy, too, and for those same reasons but in this one, I knew I was expected to eat that pussy because, well, I had to because I didn’t want her to get it into her head that I didn’t want to do it or I didn’t like doing it and while they could understand that I didn’t want to because I was too tired or not feeling good and that would definitely affect how good I would make it, yeah, when they know that you eat pussy, just eat it and make them happy so that you’ll get another chance to eat and fuck them.

The best way to avoid any dissatisfaction for myself and, potentially, for them, is to not do it at all. Yeah, I’d love to suck you off… I just don’t feel like it right now. While Younger Me would feel… compelled to do it anyway was what it was but Adult Me? Nah. I know it’s expected of me, and I still feel some kind of way about that all by itself, but I don’t have to if I don’t want to, and you can argue over whatever reason I might give… and it’s not going to change my mind which is how it should be. Still – and unless there’s reason not to – if I agree to suck your dick, I will do it until you cum and I will swallow it unless, of course, it tastes nasty and if it does, I will invoke that bit of etiquette that says that spitting it out is allowable as it not letting you cum in my mouth at all.

I don’t expect anyone to suck me or to suck me off. I learned to be very appreciative that they’d want to put their mouth on me to begin with because they didn’t have to. I learned this because I do suck dick and I eat pussy and I am all too aware of the expectations involved in both things, but it remains true that unless you give me a reason not to do it for you, I will do it. And have fun at your expense in the doing. I would learn that this swallowing thing isn’t just about what the other guy wants or expects; this is about me, too. Yes, I want to do both things: Suck your dick and swallow your cum and as long as you don’t make it unpleasant for me, that’s what’s gonna happen because I want it to happen and that’s because it undeniably makes me very happy for it to happen. And sooner is better than later for me – sometimes. It depends on how I’m feeling and how much I’m enjoying what I’m doing.

The old-assed argument guys tend to get into with the ladies: You want me to put my mouth on you and deal with all that juiciness and stuff going on down there… but if I asked you to suck me off, you ain’t having any of that? What kind of shit is that? Well, I know what kind of shit that is but, a long time ago, I learned that if a guy’s coming to me/asking me to suck him off, it’s usually because there’s a woman who won’t suck him off and he’s not feeling that it’s her right not to and despite the expectation that has always been a part of giving head. A long time ago, I decided that I will not suck the dick of any guy who doesn’t suck dick. Ya don’t have to swallow if you don’t want to but it’s purely a question of why should he be the only one getting this pleasure?

The desire to suck and swallow can get spoiled by a lot of shit and I learned the hard lesson of never letting anyone steal your joy. Let’s be clear about something, okay? I love to give head and there are times when I love doing that more than I do fucking. I know why I love sucking dick – I’m orally fixated on it. It feels so good to do it. The only thing better is eating pussy and having my face all down here in the heat and wetness and stickiness and, yeah, even the funkiness of it. Why swallow cum? The only “reason” I have been able to come up with is that if I don’t do it, I don’t… feel right. I don’t feel… complete. It’s absent that sense of accomplishment even if it’s not my “fault” that the other guy didn’t or can’t cum. I don’t like not doing it.

It’s not so much about “acquiring the taste” and all that because experience has taught me that it’s going to be whatever it’s gonna be and I acquired it a long time ago. It’s about what makes me… happy. Unlike a lot of guys are saying, it’s not all about making him happy since I know that if I’m not happy, he’s not going to be happy and he’s not going to get that happy ending he’s expecting me to give him… and if there’s a way a guy can fuck this up for someone, they’ll find a way to do it. I had to learn to understand that what someone says or does while I’m doing them isn’t something I can really control unless I tell a guy right upfront to not try or even think about making me do it… because I will hurt you. Just let me do what I have spent decades learning and refining so I can swallow your cum and I’d not object to you swallowing mine because let’s face it: I like being sucked off and just like a lot of guys do. But if you don’t, I’m not going to give you any shit about it or think any less of you… and that goes for women, too, since I know a lot of the reasons why they don’t like to swallow cum or, yeah, suck dick at all.

It… just makes sense to swallow it. At the least to let him do it in my mouth and if I spit it out, fine. A lot of guys say it’s the reward for all of their hard work – and it can be hard work. Okay, I get that even if I know that I don’t see it that way. A lot of guys say that it’s their purpose in life to suck guys off and swallow their cum and for the express purpose of making him deliriously happy… and I don’t see it that way, either because I learned a long time ago that it’s not him that I’m trying to make happy – I’m trying to make this oral fixation I have happy and part of that is swallowing cum.

Maybe that makes me a… weird kind of guy and if it does, I’m okay with being weird. I know the expectation of swallowing is there and it’s okay for the other guy to expect it… doesn’t mean that I have to comply with his expectation if/when I have reason not to and that would be anything he can say or do that threatens to steal my joy of doing it. I hear guys today talking about them not swallowing a guy’s cum until they get to know them better or not doing it unless a more… relational state has been reached and agreed to… and I’ve never been one of those guys even though I understand why they take this stance about sucking cock and guzzling cum.

As far as I’m concerned, such… things are joy-stealers. Old enough, healthy enough, and not my idea of an asshole? I’ll suck your dick and get you off and swallow every drop you have to give because that’s what I do and what I love doing and… fuck your expectation because this ain’t just about you. The question I would, one day, ask myself was, “Why is this different with women?” Those same three requirements apply to women, too, but I don’t expect them to suck me… but I do expect them to allow me to eat them and I am not happy when I’m not allowed to. Yeah, my “job” is to please her in whatever way she wants – and expects – to be pleased because, um, that’s the way it’s always been and continues to be. Which really shocked me when I heard myself say to a woman, “What about what I want? What about my feelings in this? Why don’t you understand that it’s not just something I want to do – it’s something I need to do?”

Which is how I feel about sucking cock and swallowing cum. I need to do it. I know why I do and I’m okay with it. I’m sighing because I do stand by what I wrote in that earlier TBT piece about swallowing and the things that makes folks… funny about it and learning, over all this time, what makes them funny about it and then not trying to be funny about it myself… because where’s the fun in that? Yep, guys have pulled that, “I’m not gonna cum in your mouth!” thing on me and it is some fucked up shit to do to someone unless it’s accidental and, yeah, sometimes it is – and I know why. Now, having had this one foisted upon me? Does it mean that I should let that steal my joy of doing it going forward? No. That not only defeats the purpose but does nothing to satisfy my fixation.

You fool me once with this and you can’t fool me again and, really, I don’t know why you even said this because of two things: You want to cum in my mouth… and I want you to. But, yeah, I know the game and I take a measure of pride in knowing that I have never said that to someone and make that mistake that so many guys have made. I’ll try not to and I will let you know that I’m going to cum so you can get away from it and if I can’t get the words out of my mouth, I will do my best to get away from you but with the understanding that I really don’t have any control over it. Yeah, I’ve cum in someone’s mouth because neither of us could prevent it from happening and I have been truly sorry about it and I’ve hoped that it won’t sour them from sucking me again… but, yeah, it has… and that, too, is just the way it can be.

Gimme your dick to suck. Cum in my mouth so I can swallow it… because that’s what I like to do. If nothing else, it… satisfies the oral fixation and satisfying it makes me happy which usually has the result of making the other guy happy, too. It’s the reason why I love eating pussy so much, too. Lemme get in there and spend all of the time I can doing to you what pleases the shit out of me and, hopefully, it’ll please the shit out of you, too. Yeah, there are expectation in this, too, but for me, it’s not about that. I know about it and when the ladies insisted that us guys lick it before we can stick it, well, okay – ya might want to hold onto something because I am going to lick that kitty right off of you… and not just because you expect me to but because I love the shit out of doing it.

Which might make me weird. I’m good with that. Being bisexual taught me this “weird” thing about myself and a thing that I spent a lot of years trying to make sense of, not just for my own edification but to try to answer all those questions about (a) why I suck dick and (b) why I swallow cum. It’s funny that no one has ever asked me why I eat pussy and that’s probably because… I’m expected to. It’s not… optional. A woman can tell me that I don’t have to but I know what’ll happen if I don’t and, yes, I have encountered women who do not want to be eaten. I respect that… but I think they’re crazy but that’s me and my oral fixation talking.

I share this – again – because it’s not about what a bi guy does but why he does it. That which drives him to take the ever-present and stupid taboo and… ignore it. I share this – again – because a lot of male cocksuckers – and those who love to swallow cum – can’t tell you why they do and because it’s not something that’s easily explained, it makes it difficult for others to understand if they’re trying to figure out why guys blow each other and swallow cum since, forever and ever, we’re not supposed to be doing that. I share this – again – because of the many women who, themselves, suck dick and swallow cum but can’t understand why I do even though I can explain that, um, I do it for a lot of the reasons they do and reasons that get boiled down to, “It makes me feel good to make him feel good.”

Which is fine and one hundred percent correct, of course. It feels good because it’s supposed to feel good but, sometimes, that’s not… a good enough answer and I share this – again – so that anyone who cares to pay attention can, at the least, get a better understanding of why I suck dick and swallow cum and, yeah, how it’s connected to me eating pussy.

It’s not just a “bisexual thing” – it’s a me thing. Being aware of my fixation but also being aware of that expectation that men have and how it… fucks some shit up for cocksuckers – period. Having some folks say, “Oh, you suck cock because you’re bisexual!” and there’s a lot of truth in this… but not the whole truth and now it’s about telling the whole truth about this thing about me and a thing that I happen to love so very much.

Because stuff like this needs to be talked about and someone has to so that those who really want to understand will be able to.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 09 September 22

I’m in the shower this morning and thinking about what I have to do today – the laundry – and I got to thinking about the Much Dreaded and Despised Blow and Go. While it’s been associated with blowjobs, that would be any time a guy is having sex, busts a nut and… he’d rather be digging around in the city dump on a hot summer day than to keep having sex and he’s in a hurry to get to the city dump.

I know why. The science isn’t that important for the purposes of this scribble but it’s just one of those things that you just learn to deal with and especially any “emotional” impact when you drain homey’s balls and before you can tell him how nice it was to do that, he just ain’t there and you’re talking to yourself.

I seem to recall that I was 16 when a guy vanished on me after I’d sucked him off. I’m trying to get him to stay so (1) he could blow me as promised and (2) I could blow him again and he was making every excuse he could think of not to be there. It seriously hurt my feelings, too. Made me think that he didn’t enjoy what I’d done to him and had me walking around later in Sad Sack mode thinking about what I did to displease him. Someone giving you grief because they think you didn’t do it all that right for them is bad enough; it’s even worse when you find yourself kicking your own ass because you think you fucked the blowjob up.

About, oh, a week later, this rather gay dude wanted to blow me and I was all for it. He was good, too, taking his time and prolonging my pleasure and when I came, before my dick even started to soften, I wanted to be… anywhere other than where I was. He was ready for a long cocksucking session and so was I… before I came. I just told him, “I gotta go…” and I left and as I was pretty much walking aimlessly, I was wonder what the fuck just happened because I was super horny, and I’d had a grand time sucking him and getting him off and he got me off and… I almost walked into traffic and I would have if some man hadn’t grabbed me by the shoulder and sternly said, “Pay attention, son!”

I then realized that there were quite a few times when I’d been happily screwing a girl, I’d cum and now I don’t feel like having any more sex with her which would sometimes be a bad thing because she’s lying there and waiting for me to get things cranked up again but, somehow, I didn’t really “pay attention” to this because I’d make myself start over again with her but, nah, I wasn’t feeling it so much but, then again, after spending some time eating her pussy again, I was raring to go.

But what the fuck is wrong with me? As it turned out, nothing. That’s when I learned the science behind that nasty-assed feeling that I was now very much aware of after I came, whether it was via sex or just beating my meat. I thought, “Shit…” because I realized that there’s nothing a guy can do about that other than to make himself keep going even though he’s feeling very shitty after cumming. And I now understood why that guy disappeared like Scotty had beamed him up. It wasn’t because of anything I’d done wrong – that’s just how our bodies behave.

Shit. Going forward – and especially with guys – if he got me off first, I would make myself stay in the game so I could get him off and if both of us would rather be on the moon, okay – I knew why but it’s still some fucked up shit to have in your mind that you’re gonna have sex and more than one time but your body winds up telling you something different. With women, yeah – just hang in there even though I’d rather spend the rest of my day gutting rotten fish. If she wanted me to stay for more of the same, just resist that sickening urge to just… run away. And then becoming aware of how this made some women feel – like I didn’t enjoy them, and they did something wrong… and you do not ever want to put this thought into a woman’s head.

It’s one thing when time is the enemy. There’s “just enough” time to get each other off and once that’s done, thanks and maybe I’ll see you later or something. But when you have the time and your need to get laid is seriously great, yeah, shit, busting that nut – or making him do it – can make for a very short session. Other guys were aware of this, too, and wanted to know what they could do about it and it’s pretty… fucked up to know that unless you can find a way to make yourself work through this period, there’s nothing they can do about it. Which is also the very thing that gets us into the very deep doo-doo with women and especially the ones who aren’t easy to make orgasm when you’re dick-deep in them. They want and need more and… you’d rather tap dance on broken glass barefooted. Or, worse, we bust a nut and… drop right off to sleep and for the same reason why we can cum and disappear like a wisp of smoke on the wind.

I’m showering and thinking about how pissed off bi guys today are about this and/or wondering what’s wrong with them and all that and it’s an object lesson about how much some of us do not know how our bodies work and, believe me – I wish I hadn’t found out about it but since that dude had ghosted me big time and I thought it was my fault – and the funny thing is that it was my fault… because I made him cum – I needed to know if there was really something wrong with me and if I was really fooling myself into believing that I was better at sucking dicks than I “really” was.

Moving forward, if a guy got that urge to head for the hills, it was okay. I understand because I know why. It’s that occupational hazard that few men can escape and, yes, it’s different from guy to guy and, as I learned, it can be different from one ejaculatory moment to the next. For instance, there was this one time screwing my girlfriend and I did her five times before I wanted to go swimming in a pile of shit. The next time? I was one and done. She thought it was her and now I didn’t like or want to have sex with her but when I explained it to her, she understood but she did have that “What kind of shit is that?” look on her face as well.

It can be… consistently inconsistent. That nasty-assed moment is different between men and women, but they go through the same thing; some moments they really can go all day and night and sometimes, well, that’s when they jump out of bed and do anything other than hanging around so you can keep doing them… and if you even feel like it now. I would notice that the nasty-assed feeling could hang around for a short period of time or a long one – and I’m talking hours and even days. You can have a seriously bad case of sex on the brain and thinking your filthiest, sexiest thoughts and… nothing. Maybe barely a rise in the underwear. One could spend time trying to jerk off but their dick isn’t… cooperating. Either not staying hard or not getting all that hard and, I hate to admit it but I’ve had moments where I pretty much wore myself out jerking off and… nothing happened. And I had noticed that this would sometimes happen… after I’d had sex already.

This is some fucked up shit to end all fucked up shits. I got to understand this one: The mind is willing, but the flesh is weak. In your mind, you want to go again but your body just ain’t feeling any of that either right now or later on. I remember blowing a guy and he’d sucked me off first and, yeah, yucky, nasty, just kill me now feeling. He came and, bleh, he came but two minutes later, his dick was hard and he was ready for me and I’m thinking, “He can’t be serious!” but, shit, okay – I blew him again. He’s working to get me up again and my body is returning a busy signal and, fuck, I think I was five or ten minutes into blowing him again before I started to get a rise. He came again and so did I – finally – and both of us were in a damned hurry to be somewhere else and my knowing why didn’t help matters any.

Just the way it is and can be. Not something we can control and the person who figures out how to make this not be a problem for men will, mostly likely, be a billionaire pretty quick. I sometimes get emailed ads from that site claiming to have something that’ll make you last longer and keep you going all night long and into the next week and maybe that stuff works and maybe it doesn’t but what I know is that when you run out of the gas needed to keep having sex, you’re out of gas. Viagra and other such drugs might make and keep you hard for x-amount of time and maybe it… shorts out that process we go through after we cum. I don’t know because I’ve never taken such drugs.

I needed to be on a transdermal fentanyl patch after my stroke. It had two interesting side effects on me. The first was delayed ejaculation and the other was a stupidly short refractory period. At that time, I could fuck one of the girls, bust a nut, and keep right on going and much to their chagrin sometimes and as I would learn. Man, if only there was something that could do this for men and without the very scary aspects of fentanyl! And if there really is something like this, I don’t know about it.

We have sex. We cum. Game over for a while. I remember Cityman and I talking about this and I explained it to him like this: Since it’s our “job” to sow our seed, once we do it, the job is done for now – and now can be an indeterminate period of time because it’s not the same all of the time. I’d gotten into the science of this with him and confirmed that, yeah, it’s pretty “normal” to have sex, bust a nut, and you’d rather base jump off a tall building without a parachute than to stay put and keep having sex – and it’s even more fucked up when this happens… and you’re at home.

It is, I think, one of the main reasons why there are so many guys in the school of “It’s better to give than receive” because they know that if the other guy makes them cum, it’s game over man – game over! It is about the shittiest feeling I can think of; it can make throwing up feel good. I learned to not get mad with anyone who find themselves dealing with this after they cum/orgasm – it just is what it is and how our bodies are designed. It has gotten us into so much hot water with women (been there, got scalded to death) and even when you know why and you can explain it, eh, why isn’t there something you can do about that?

Because, as far as I know, there isn’t. I would sometimes find myself laughing after a guy flew the coop on me because when we cum/orgasm, the Japanese call it “The Little Death” and it’s an apt analogy because you cum… and it kills the shit out of your sex drive for a few and on top of feeling like you’re about to die. Interesting fact about this: When a man cum, in that moment, if he were to be examined by a doctor, he would present with the symptoms of having a heart attack. I was… stunned to learn this one and from my doctor who had asked me, during a yearly physical, if I had any problem ejaculating. I said that I wasn’t having any problems that I knew of and the conversation included this little factoid although I don’t quite remember how we got there but we did.

Interesting, huh? Anyway, a lot of bi guys are hating on the blow and go big time, whether it’s the other guy or it’s them who’s getting in the wind after cumming and feeling like they’d rather run down the street buck naked than to hang around to have more sex. They moan, groan, and bitch about this and I find myself shaking my head because they apparently don’t know why this is happening and it’s been happening to them for the longest time. Guys who bust and haul ass are the worst motherfuckers ever born and being the one looking to get in the wind is disturbing and, again, can lead to some self-induced ass kicking over something that we have zero control over and, again, there’s nothing we can do about it except learn how to work through it – and that’s if your body will let you.

Lemme take a short nap and we can go again, okay? I don’t know about other guys but for myself and sometimes, working through the nastiness can be a motherfucker and a half because my body is screaming at me to cease and desist immediately if not sooner and ignoring it, whew, what an unnecessary pain in the ass that is to have to use my mind to “bully” my own body into staying in the game.

And, yeah, when I had two women to have sex with? Yeah, did not even want to be on the receiving end of any of that female wrath and rage for not keeping it going until they’d cum to their satisfaction. It’s one of the reasons why I tell guys who dream of having two women in bed that it might look like fun – and it is – but it’s not… that easy since when you cum, that’s it as far as your body is concerned but, yeah, it’s consistently inconsistent and you just never know when that quirk is going to show up. I’ve cum in one of them and gone on to cum in the other because that fucking urge to jump off a cliff… isn’t there or not there all that much. Hmm. Not that I’d complain about that, but it was just one of those things that “mystified” me about this despite understanding what’s going on when that urge to flee shows up… and you know you’d better not flee unless you like having your skin peeled off of your body and salt rubbed into the wounds.

Shit. It winds up making a difference when it comes to blow jobs. Do you get him off first and then hope he hangs around to get you off or do you get off first and stay put and finish getting him off? Is it really better to give than to receive? Well, as far as blowjobs go, yeah, and depending on which end of the blowjob you happen to be. I remember my boyfriend showed me the “trick” of sucking a guy off and how to keep on sucking him until he cums again and, yeah, it’s some cool-assed shit since, um, homey is feeling like he’d rather take a bath in boiling oil. And, sometimes, “double sucking” a guy works, definitely for him but for me as well and especially after I’ve already nutted but my mind is saying that I need to suck more dick.

Ya just gotta learn how to work through the nastiness. It’s not how long can you last but can you find a way to keep it going after you’ve busted your nuts wide open. Here’s the thing I find… funny. A lot of guys prefer not to be sucked or even touched when they’re giving head because they know that when they cum, they’re out of the game but some of those same guys get pissy and bitchy because they’ll suck homey off or he cums in their ass and… he’s outta here. I’m thinking, “How can you get mad at a guy for doing this when you won’t let him do anything to you and for the same reason he wants to get in the wind after busting a nut?”

I’m thinking that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. He can’t do anything about that and any more than you can. I mean, I get it: The way to avoid this is to not cum because once you do, all bets are off for x-amount of time. Sometimes, the blow and go is about time and the lack thereof. There just enough time for a quickie and, well, that just works since you’re probably gonna want to get ghost after cumming anyway. But when time isn’t an issue, yeah, I can see how disturbing this can be for both guys and unless I’m wrong, if you can’t work through this moment, there’s not much that can be done about it except to wait it out.

I learned to not let the Much Dreaded and Despised Blow and Go bother me. I’ve been guilty of it, and it sucked to have to admit to it when I had to. I want to stay and keep having sex but my body ain’t hearing any of it yet. Just might be nap time for me and, yeah, lemme snooze for a few and I’ll be good to go or, I’m gonna take out the garbage, put the cat in the oven, and go find some horseshit to shovel because I do want to have sex again but, yeah, let’s not and say we did.

I can’t think of too many things that are more fucked up in the world of having sex. Well, maybe not being able to cum at all is worse but, yeah. This fucked up shit.

I’m out of the shower and drying myself off a little so I can (a) get my boys deodorized and (b) get some lotion on me so I don’t get ashy. I’m looking at myself in the mirror and I’m sighing to understand how I – and so many men – wind up being victimized by our own bodies and all because its doing what it was designed to do. Deliver the seed and… find something else to do and do it yesterday, if ya don’t mind. You did the “job” and there’s no need for you to stick around… except there is because you’re not the only one who wants and needs to cum and, yeah, chances are good that if and/or when they do, they’re gonna want to be doing anything other than to keep on having sex.

Multi-orgasmic women and women who find it hard or impossible to orgasm… exposes this thing about us. My god… there is nothing more… embarrassing to screw a woman, bust a nut, you’re about to pull out and she asks, “Where are you going? I know you ain’t done yet because I didn’t get mine!” And forcing yourself to go down on her or something you hope is going to get her off because your body does not want to be there doing this. Ah, but I would realize that this is also why you can have mad crazy sex with a woman and the second you pull out of her, she’s out the bed and doing… something. Baby, where you going? Let’s do it again!

And she says, “Maybe later.” And maybe “later” happens and maybe it doesn’t. Hmm. I would realize that I’d had a lot of girls/women do this and, yeah, I’m thinking it’s because I didn’t get the job done and I’m kicking my own ass when the same thing that happens to me just might have happened to them; they “got their nut” and, oops, time to do anything other than to keep on having sex – and even when they wanted to keep going. Or, um, realizing that she’s gone to sleep after sex and thinking it’s because you wore that pussy out when it’s very damned likely that she came and… ran out of gas and it’s time to go to sleep… and just like you’ve probably done after cumming and going to sleep wasn’t what you had in mind.

Sometimes that’s not really the case but let’s not talk about that one, okay? Okay! In this, the mind is willing, and the flesh is weak and it’s only an effort of will to be able to work through this moment of weakness. You just ran out of the gas that, before you came, you had a whole lot of in your tank. Just one of those dirty tricks Mother Nature plays on us and men more than women but they’re not as immune to this as might be believed. If you’re doing her and, at some point, she tells you that she’s had enough and you need to stop, it might not be because you’re not doing her right but because you did do her right enough that… she ran out of gas and now she wants to go get the kids out of the dryer and get them folded and put away.

And if you didn’t know this, now you do. One hundred percent normal for this to happen and, again, more with men than women. I say that you shouldn’t let this bother you but, yeah, it does. It still fucks with me, and I’ve “trained” myself to keep going rather than to just go sit on the sidelines and like my body is now telling me to do. And it doesn’t always work. Shit. Oh, well, hopefully, there will be a next time…

Some guys get all bent out of shape because after nuts have been busted, homey doesn’t want to hang around and cuddle and all that and, sometimes, it’s not because he doesn’t want to – it’s because he can’t because his body is telling him to just get outta Dodge. It’s not his fault and, once more, if there is a fault, it’s that… he came. If there’s someone to blame, well, that would be the person who made him cum – and ain’t that about a bitch? Even if no one leaves “the scene of the crime,” I think it’s okay – and should be okay – to just go do something – anything – and just give each other time to get some more gas in the tank.

But that’s just my thought about this.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 07 September 22

It’s raining today and I had to go (1) take out some trash and (2) go to the UPS Store and the moment I got into the rain, I had a major flashback that hit me so hard, I actually stopped walking for a moment and shaking my head as if I’d just woken up.

Or got hit in the head with something.

A memory of being outside on an early September weekend and enjoying not being in school. Ripping and running all over the neighborhood, literally chasing girls – and who knew they could be so damned fast? – and… it started to rain. Lightly at first but it started to pour and at the level where you knew you were going to get wet so there was no sense in trying to run for cover.

And, later, making me understand why I’d hear adults say that someone doesn’t have the sense to come out of the rain, which is exactly what a friend’s father said to the two of us after yelling at us to get our asses inside and out of the rain. We’re both classically soaked to the bone and we’re laughing about it; his dad, of course, didn’t think it was funny and he’s griping at us to take our wet shoes off and go get dried off – and don’t drip anymore damned water on his floor!

We comply and head to his room, still laughing about getting caught out in the rain. We both strip down naked; when I say we were soaked, it was like we’d jumped into a swimming pool with our clothes on. The good thing about it was we wore the same size clothes. The better thing about it was it took a while before we wound up getting dressed.

We’re naked and drying off and still laughing like idiots when he said, “I like your dick!” I automatically looked at his and said that I liked his, too. We went from liking each other’s dicks to commenting on how nice they looked because now we were both very erect from all the rubbing we were doing to get dry down there. This guy wasn’t one of “the fellas” I’d routinely have sex with so seeing him naked – and being naked in front of him – was kinda thrilling.

When he said, “Hey, um…,” I knew what he was going to ask me so I just said, “Yeah, okay.” His face lit up with a big smile as he walked over to me, knelt down, and started sucking my dick and he clearly knew what he was doing.

“I’ve wanted to do this for a long time,” he said when he came up for air. “Let’s get on the bed!”

“Can we do it together?” I asked, climbing onto his bed.

“Sure!” he replied as he laid down alongside me and with his feet near my head… and we went for it and it didn’t take too much effort or time before I felt the warmth of his stuff flowing into my mouth which enticed me to get my own stuff flowing. We let each other go and we’re smiling and giggling (and I’m wondering why we always did that after shooting); it’s raining harder outside and now there’s rumbles of thunder along with flashes of lightning and it all just added to this moment of us discovering that we were the same kind of guy.

We can hear his dad downstairs yelling at us that it’s raining like a bitch and for us to stay inside and in his room until the rain lets up as well as grumbling about something I knew neither of us were paying attention to because the looks we were giving each other said that we’d be happy to stay in the room until the rain stopped because we would definitely keep ourselves occupied.

We’d sucked each other off three times before it finally decided to stop raining and we both knew that we’d better hurry up and get dressed and, at the least, act like we were doing something other than what we’d been doing. We had both agreed that each other’s stuff tasted really good and we were both laughing and giggling like idiots again after he said that he didn’t need to eat anything because he was full already.

His dad is bellowing that the rain has stopped so I need to get my shit and head on home before it starts raining again and I did that but, deep down inside, I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to spend more time sucking my friend’s dick and thinking about him maybe doing it to me almost had me hard again and let’s say that I wasn’t happy about having to head home. He saw the look on my face and it was like he was reading my mind when he said, “Don’t worry – we’re definitely gonna find a way to do this again and I really want to!”

As I’m leaving, I thank his father for letting me stay there until the rain stopped and promised to bring back the borrowed clothing as soon as I was able to. My friend came over and actually gave me a hug, which had his dad laughing and telling him to stop that “sissy shit” so I could head on home. My sneakers, well, they were still soaked so it wasn’t like I was going to put them on but that was okay because I was used to being outside barefooted. I said my goodbyes and stepped out of the door to make the four-block walk home and before I got to the first corner, it started raining again.

Oh, great. By the time I got home, I wasn’t soaked but I was quite damp. My mom looks at me and mumbles that I really don’t have the sense to come out of the rain and notices that I’m holding the clothes I had had on when I went outside and, of course, wearing different clothes and, yep, I had to tell her why I was wearing someone else’s clothes and… off to my room I went to get out my friend’s clothes that were damp and get redressed in my own clothes and underwear. As I stepped out of the shorts I was wearing, I heard a crinkling sound and that told me that there was something in one of the pockets and after searching them, I found… a note.

It was from him, and it was a pretty long one, too, but now I’m wondering when he had time to write it and how he wrote it without me seeing him writing it. As I read it, I started to realize that he had already written this a while ago and it was like a love letter… to me. How much he really liked me. How he wished that we could find a way to do it to each other even though he liked girls, too, but some of the girls didn’t like him and didn’t want to do it with him and said again that he hopes that we could do it because he really liked me and wanted us to do it.

I’m remembering this note and I’m shaking my head and laughing at how… silly the note sounds to me now but also feeling quite sober because it wasn’t silly or funny at the time. It was… touching and more so on the heels of us having spent all that time sucking each other’s dicks and like we’d been doing that to each other all along. As I got to the end of the note – which ended with him saying that he hopes that I write him back and let him know how I feel and if I wanted to do it with him… so I grabbed my notebook and started writing to him.

I was telling him that even though we’d already done it, I hadn’t known that he liked guys and girls like I did and how glad I was that we were so much alike and… things got a bit mushy at that point and, at one point, I realized that I was writing a love letter to him and like I’d write one to a girl I liked and wanted to do it to. It felt weird but also quite exciting and my dick thoughts so as well because as I continued to write, I could feel my boner throbbing against my belly and trapped within my underwear and it was as if I could still feel his mouth on me and I could feel the raspiness of his tongue touching me everywhere and…

I, um, I shot in my underwear. Oh, man. I didn’t have to look down to know that there would be a big and very wet spot in the front of my shorts – and a wet spot that I knew my mom would notice when she went to wash my pants and underwear that were in great need of being changed. I went to the bathroom, stripped off my pants and underwear and spent a couple of moments cleaning the rest of my stuff off of me and, man, it had even and somehow gotten all over my stomach, too. Jeez! Back in the room; clean underwear and shorts on and having a bad moment because I knew my mother would notice that, once again, I wasn’t wearing the shorts I’d been wearing when she had stuck her head in my room to see what I was doing and, oh, boy.

As I climbed back up into my bunk, I spent a few years – seconds, really – thinking about how I’d had a wet dream one night and really messed up my underwear and PJs and my mom laughing when she found them in the hamper while telling me that, um, what had happened was normal for guys but I would, later in life, also remember the look on her face because she had realized that I was ejaculating way before boys “normally” did – but she hadn’t said anything about it and I’m glad she hadn’t because it was bad enough that she thought it was funny that I’d shot my stuff all over the place while I was sleeping.

I re-read the letter I’d written back to him – all three pages of it – and now I’m trying to figure out how to get it to him; we went to the same school but weren’t in the same room – but then, I had a brilliant idea; all I had to do was fold it up and put it in the pocket of his pants I’d worn home and make sure that I handed them back to him and not give them to one of his parents!

And that’s what I did and I got lucky because when I knocked on the door, he had answered it and I felt… relieved to know that he would find my letter because I made sure to hand the shorts to him so he could feel it in the back pocket. He did and his eyes got as big as saucers just before he started to smile. His mom was yelling for him and I said that I’d see him later and if he’d be allowed outside after doing his homework.

As I headed back home, I was so… excited because in my letter, I had told him that I would love to do it with him again and I even knew some places we could go to do it and we wouldn’t get caught and I felt like I wanted to shoot in my underwear again. It was a weird but good feeling thinking about him like this and I’d had a bit of a “bad moment” when I got home because my father had stopped me and asked if I’d taken the clothes back and I said that I had and he’s got this… look on his face like he wanted to bust out laughing and I didn’t know why until I looked down – and because he was looking down…

And I was hard. He didn’t say anything about it and I was glad he didn’t since I was already embarrassed but as he told me to go to my room, he did say, “You might want to do something about that…” And, yeah, as I headed to my room, I could hear him chuckling to himself. Jeez. How embarrassing!

And, yeah, I did make a trip to the bathroom to, um, do something about that and I did it with visions of doing it to my friend flooding my mind as I made quite the mess of things.

The older version of myself would one day wonder if what I had felt for my friend was love or just plain old ordinary lust. At that time, I thought that, nah, I didn’t love him because guys were only supposed to love girls but as I’m writing this now, yeah, maybe I was, at the least, seriously infatuated with him but what I do know that whatever it was we were feeling for each other made having sex really good and more so when there were a few times when we were able to convince a couple of the Hot In The Ass gang to come to the hideout so we could do it to them together and proof that he was, very much, just like me.

It was one of the reasons why, almost a year later, I was totally and completely pissed the fuck off to come home from camp and finding out that while I was there, we had moved to the projects way on the other side of the city.

I’m leaving the UPS Store and making the short walk to where I had parked and I’m getting rained on and just dealing with it because that damned stroke robbed me of my ability to run but I’d been reliving this memory just the same and… it felt good to have this memory triggered by today’s rainy moment. Those early days of my development as a male bisexual were some of the best times of my life because there was so much I had to do and make sense of and, well, just all of the stuff I went through so that I could better understand this bisexual thing going on with me and really beginning to understand how my feelings really worked or, actually, trying to understand them.

There were guys I liked and guys I really liked, and I was beginning to see… differences. How doing it with guys I liked made me feel one way but doing it with guys I really like made the sex so much better. There were “always” the guys who I’d do it with and, eh, I knew them and knew that if they wanted to do it, oh, okay, let’s go. Whatever sex we had would be… okay but not “as good” as having it with a guy I liked or a guy I really liked, and it took me a very long time before I could really put this into a proper perspective.

And, one day, finally understanding that I could feel for a guy the same things I could feel for a gal and it wasn’t as much as someone being male or female but very much about how I felt about someone, that the feelings were really more… interchangeable than what I was told about what I should feel, who those feelings should be directed at and even for the express purpose of having a relationship with them and one that would make any sex… allowable. And at yet another later day, realizing and understanding that friendship is… a relationship, too, and if it included sex, well, okay, even though the “rule” was and still is, “friends cannot have sex with each other.”

It would make me wonder that if you couldn’t or weren’t supposed to have sex with a friend, who were you supposed to have sex with – someone who wasn’t a friend? And, even then, despite the fact that, most of the time, you had to get to know and get comfortable with someone even if all that would happen would be… sex. They might not exactly be a friend in that sense, but I would recall a lot of instances where me and a guy – or a girl – would have sex and… become friends instead of it working the other way around.

Which makes me very damned glad that I learned this when I was younger so I wouldn’t find myself trying to deal with my feelings as an adult. Lust, it seems, doesn’t care much if the person you’re lusting after is a friend or not but I’d admit that lusting after a friend… feels pretty good but, again, I learned that you can have sex with a friend and it does not ruin the friendship one bit but what does and can ruin it is if someone wants more than what the other person is willing to give and usually a relationship. I’ve had girl friends – not girlfriends – tell me, “Let’s just have sex and it’s not going to be more than that!” One such friend told me, “Look, we both feel this and I don’t know why we’re acting like we don’t. I know you want me and I know I want you so let’s just do it and get it out of the way, okay?”

And, of course, not wanting to be in a relationship that was more than being friends was something that us guys were all in favor for. It would be like, I like you and, um, I was wondering if you’d be interested in doing something and if they were, it would be on and if they weren’t, oops. Sorry about that and it could be rather embarrassing but feeling the lust remained as a very real thing and one that our morals say is a sin and that’s not how we should think or feel about each other.

Those were some of the best days and times of my life because of what I learned about myself…

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 30 August 22

There was a guy I knew back in the teenaged years who gained some notoriety because he, rumor had it, could cum three times before going soft. The word had spread among us because “all of a sudden,” the girls who were more amenable to giving it up to you were refusing to because “Jay” could cum, stay hard, keep fucking, cum again, ditto, and at least one more time before finally getting soft.

According to the girls who were… enamored of him, it wasn’t that he had that long, fat dick that was “mandatory” because whatever he lacked in that area he made up for with this amazing ability. Needless to say, we didn’t like Jay all that much, not because he wasn’t a friendly kind of guy but he was responsible for a lot of us experiencing The Drought… and right up to a moment when he began to fall out of favor with those girls who were once singing his praises for his amazing stamina and how much cum he was putting into them.

The word was that girls were now very afraid of Jay getting them pregnant because, again, he could cum and keep right on stroking and not giving his cum a chance to… clear out. Girls were also complaining that he was taking way too long to fuck them, and it was making them sore for days on end and we heard these complaints and snickered a lot because homeboy went from being a “good” kind of freak to a “bad” one. Were the rumors and stories about him really true?

At first, I didn’t think so but after a while, there were too many girls talking about him for this to not have some truth to it and more so when girls I had screwed several times were talking about (1) not giving me any and because they were, (2) looking to get a shot at Jay to see if what they’d heard was true. But apparently, it was true and, yeah, we, as a peer group, didn’t like him all that much because he was getting all of the primo pussy and getting those girls hooked on him.

Other than that, Jay was a very likeable guy. That didn’t stop some guys laying into him about being a freak (not the good kind) and that went on enough to see him get forced out of our group and I felt sorry for him because I learned – and because this… ability had piqued my curiosity something fierce – that his being able to do this consistently wasn’t any fault of his; Mother Nature had just “gifted” him with this and while this sounded like a fantastic thing, it was turning out to be a curse for him when one of the girls he had “stolen” from the rest of us had a pregnancy scare and, well, that word spread amongst the other girls faster than the speed of light and precipitated his “fall from grace.”

I ran into him one day and a couple of months after his “fall” and the poor guy looked like he was looking for a Mack truck to come by so he could step out in front of it. He looked depressed and haggard and like he wasn’t sleeping well; he was walking with his head down and the smile he usually wore on his face had been replaced by a frown and if I had felt bad for him after hearing how he was being dissed by even the sluttiest girl we knew of, I really felt bad for him because his male friends had also turned their backs on him.

So I spoke to him and it was painful to see him flinch; word was some of the guys who weren’t getting any decided to take their frustration out on him. He flinched and I held up my hands in that “I ain’t gonna do anything” gesture and asked him how he was doing… and he responded with a sigh that chilled me to my bones. At first, he didn’t want to talk to me but I kept at him until he eventually told me why he was looking like someone had stolen his lunch money and killed his dog… but he didn’t tell me anything that I hadn’t known already since the word of his “fall” had raced like wildfire amongst us guys.

But I knew that it might help him to tell me what was going on with him. Not only had he not gotten laid for quite a while, he was also struggling with being kicked out of our peer group and he didn’t know what to do about any of it since he didn’t have a friend he could talk to… and I volunteered for the job. Over the next week or so, I made it a point to hang with him – and let the others see that I was and that I wasn’t worried about whatever they were saying and he opened up to confirm that he didn’t understand why everyone hated him for something that he had no control over and there wasn’t anything he could do about.

And he needed to cum. He specifically said this and I’d asked him if he was jerking off – and like any of would readily do when that need was upon us and he said that it wasn’t the same and since it wasn’t, that just made him even more depressed and did I know of a way he could do it so that he could get back to feeling better about himself.

And… I told him that I knew of a way, but I wasn’t sure if he’d find it to his liking by telling him, “Well, um, I could suck your dick and it might help.” Why did I say this? Because I not only had a lot of compassion for him and his plight, but it was also the only thing I could think of and, years later when I would think about this, I’d see that it was the thing to say and do. His reaction to my response seemed to hit him like he had never considered such a… solution and I probably shocked the shit out of him by letting him know that I sucked dick.

Wasn’t I afraid of this freakish thing about him? I told him that, well, I kinda was but not really since if he agreed, this wouldn’t be the first time I’d sucked a guy’s dick and, yeah, I had to tell my story to him. He bombarded me with a lot of questions including the ones about being gay and I laughed and said that if it was really gay, um, he was kinda responsible for a few of our group being “gay” since he – Jay – was getting all the pussy that we weren’t getting but while that was… bothersome, none of it really affected me all that much since I was sucking dick and guys were sucking me.

He seemed to latch onto this like it was a life preserver and, honestly, I kinda knew he would but, also being honest, I had no idea how I was going to handle blowing him if what everyone said about him was really the truth. Part of me was hoping that he’d turn down the offer, but he didn’t, and it took us another couple of days before we had a time and place for me to do this for him.

He was eager and nervous as we sat on his bed and I kept telling him to relax as much as he could and let me know when he was ready but I could see that, um, part of him was quite ready. After a couple of minutes of him asking me questions I’d already answered for him, he said that he was ready, and stood up to strip out of his clothes and my first thought was that he had a nice dick and of a size that would be stupidly easy for me to suck. I’d stripped down and as he laid down, I settled in next to him, asked again if he was ready and – again – suggested that he just relax, close his eyes if he needed to and just don’t think about it.

He nodded that he was ready and I went right to work on him. I really wanted to help him with this and, um, I was horny as hell on top of it. He was tense at first and I could feel it because I had one hand on his belly and, as such, I felt the moment he finally relaxed and “got into it.” I’m sucking him – it felt so good, too – and he’s gently fucking into my mouth when a few minutes later, I heard him say, “Oh! Oh!” and…

My mouth got flooded with cum. The first shot kinda startled me and by the third big shot, I was of two minds. One part was yelling, “Oh, hell, yeah!” and working quickly to swallow all of his goo and another part was saying, “We’re in trouble…” and that bore itself out when he’d stopped cumming… and his dick wasn’t even close to starting to get soft. That one part was screaming, “That what the fuck I’m talking about!” as I continued to suck him while the other part was saying, “Um, you might want to stop and call it a day…” and, well, in retrospect, I should have stopped but I didn’t.

He did, indeed, blast three huge loads of cum into my mouth and stomach before he got soft. The rumors were true! Even the part of me that had been losing its mind over being able to keep blowing him was feeling some kind of way about it. I had so much of his cum in my stomach that I felt full and that was something I hadn’t experienced in a long time. The other part of me that was against continuing to suck him said, “So much for going to Gino’s for something to eat, huh?” Yeah, I wasn’t going to be doing that and I was feeling so… overwhelmed that I had missed him asking me to lie down so he could see if he could suck my dick.

Which he did and he didn’t do bad for his first time but what touched me was him saying, after I came, “I wish I could do that.”

“Do what?” I managed to say.

“Cum and get soft right away,” he said. For a moment, I thought he was going to start crying but he didn’t.

“It’s not your fault,” I said – and because I was too… distressed to say anything other than that. One part of me was “poking” me to blow him again and the other part was saying, “Don’t even think about it!” and… we did the side-by-side 69 thing and it was good and it was bad because I was now so full of his cum that the next load would very likely make me throw it all back up.

And I almost did. Jay is… happy. Relieved. Rather proud of himself and for good reason since sucking a guy’s dick – let alone sucking him off – was, well, really bad. I wasn’t… feeling all that good; his cum in my belly felt like a brick and I was burping over and over and, sheesh, I was tasting all of that cum again. I shut down that part of me that was saying, “One more time! One more time!” and I unanimously agreed with the other part of me that was saying, “Shut the fuck up already!”

Jay was acting like he’d gotten a new lease on life and I was glad that he was feeling better even if it was all I could do not to upchuck all over the place. He had told me that he had considered… killing himself and hearing this shocked me into forgetting my, ah, gastric distress and before I could say anything about that he said, “Don’t worry; I’m not gonna do that because you showed me a way to get off that I didn’t think I would like but, yeah, I really like it!”

And then he asked me what I was doing tomorrow. One part of me said, “You know you’ve created a monster, right?” and the other part was saying, “Go for it again! That was fucking amazing, dude!” and the next day found me not sucking him off but being fucked by him and if I hadn’t really understood what all those girls were now complaining about, I understood it now. I had “stupidly” thought that him fucking me might have a different result for him but, nope; he filled me way past overflowing with cum three damned times before he got soft. He had wanted to stop fucking me after the first dump truck load of cum but, apparently, I’m a glutton for punishment because I had told him to keep going because, um, he felt good in me and a sentiment that changed after the second time Mount Jay erupted and making me more of a sticky mess than I already was.

Even the part of me that was gung ho to have sex with him was having second (and third) thoughts and by the time he unloaded in me for the last time, I was just… there and had been before he filled me up the second time, to be perfectly honest. I could have begged off but this was… a matter of honor; I’d given him my word that it would be okay for him to fuck me and that I wanted him to and, nope, I’m not afraid of what’s going to happen. And I wasn’t afraid… but I was of a mind to not do this again with him any time soon. He… wore me the fuck out and my ego wasn’t all that happy to admit that, but I told myself that this was better than him being all messed up in his head and thinking about hurting himself and, really, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been so totally and completely fucked and satisfied.

Hell, he handled me fucking him better than I had handled him doing me and I hated admitting this to myself but, still, it was for a good cause that was more than having sex with a guy and a guy who was born a certain way that I could now understand could be a good and bad thing. Jay had gotten his confidence back and would profusely thank me for that and not making him feel like the freak of nature everyone insisted that he was. He even got back to having sex with girls but, as he said, with the condition that (1) he wore a condom and (2) he’d stop to not only change it but to give the girl a break in the action.

Some of the other guys, ah, had the “Jay Experience,” too. I was… glad that he was now able to slack his great lust on someone other than me – and not that it was really that bad but, yeah – sex with him pushed me to my limits and beyond them and I had had some serious thinking to do about that.

Jay had gone missing. No one seemed to know what had happened to him and his parents were beyond frantic. The word on the street was saying that someone had offed him but that was bullshit and some of the guys eating a lot of sour grapes over Jay again getting “all the good pussy” and they weren’t. We’d finally found out that Jay had gotten a girl pregnant, and they ran away so they could be together and, well, that whole deal was seriously messy but, in the end, – and as it was being told – their parents had agreed to sign for them to be married.

I had hoped that everything was now right for him. His… condition was both a blessing and a curse and depending on one’s point of view and something that all the negative shit coming from our peer group had him thinking about taking his own life… over something he couldn’t do a damned thing about. Having sex with him… pushed me beyond my known limits whether I was blowing him, or he was inside of me and making one hell of a mess. It was good sex but, yeah, holy shit. I was so… jealous of him being able to fuck and cum repeatedly (and a hell of a whole lot) and I – and probably no one else – could do that. It was… easy to not like him for this but, at the same time, being somewhat proud of myself to be able to bear up under things when I thought that I wouldn’t be able to.

I had some shit to deal with myself about that. How far do you go to help a friend? What was I willing to endure for such a worthy cause. Was there really such a thing as sucking too much dick, swallowing too much cum, and being fucked too much? And the jury said, “Yeah and not really because you know you enjoyed every bit of it so don’t lie and say you didn’t.”

I’d done a good thing. The funny thing is, as I’m thinking and writing this, is that I feel… full and my butt feels… squishy. I know this is my brain “fucking” with my body because I’m not only remembering this, I’m reliving it in my head and my body is just… reacting as it did when I took it upon myself to introduce Jay to a way to have sex that proved to be a boon to him…

And to me, as well… because sex with him was pretty damned good. I would realize that it wasn’t a thing of it taking him “too long” to cum; as far as that went, it didn’t take him “that much longer” than it did any other guy I’d suck or be fucked by; it was just that he could cum like you wouldn’t believe and his refractionary period just didn’t kick in and like it does for so many guys and that allowed him to keep right on going until it eventually kicked in and he’d finally get soft.

A freak of nature? Probably and I’d often hear about other guys who were like this, and I was… thankful that I never ran into them and experienced them because Jay was, for me, the experience of a lifetime. Yes, I found that I was a glutton for punishment in that sense and it took me a while to deal with this because there’s physically “too much” but that… love of having sex with guys proved to be more “powerful” and demanding and to the point where it just “made sense” to hang on in there even when my body would say and ask, “Haven’t you had enough?”

And understanding that I hadn’t so much. When I sat that I’ve seen bisexuality save a guy’s life, that’s some real shit. When I say that a guy experiencing sex with another guy is a life-changing event, that’s also some real shit. And… what are friends for?

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 27 August 22

One of my favorite cocksucking topics on the forum is anything that has to do with sucking off multiple guys and the number of members who’d just love to do that…

And I get to thinking, “Yeah, been there, done that, wouldn’t do it again because it’s not as much fun as you might think it is…”

It makes a difference, though, and the category usually gets broken down between “How many cocks have you sucked in one day?” and “How many cocks have you sucked at one time?” – and “one time” meaning in a single setting. A lot of guys who’d love to experience this are self-professed submissive cocksuckers, guys who are of a mind that it’s their life’s purpose to service men who want to be sucked off. I understand what they say about being submissive in this – intelligently – but as one who has sucked a lot of dicks in one day and in one setting, wow, yeah – what the hell was I thinking about?

Rhetorical question because I know good and damned well what I was thinking about: Sucking guys off is way better than sliced bread! Adult me wouldn’t want to do that again since adult me has learned so much about sucking a guy’s dick – and stuff that younger me was just finding out about while being totally caught in the throes of the amazing thrill of putting a guy’s dick in your mouth and sucking on it until he cums.

I think the thing that “broke me out of the habit” of sucking multiple guys in a day was realizing that… I was being used and taken advantage of, not in a bad way but it was well-known that if you were horny and you wanted to get sucked off, just come find me and I’ll do it until you can’t get hard again. I hadn’t realized that until, one very hot and sultry summer day and as I roamed around fairly aimlessly, by the time I’d gone home for dinner, I had sucked off eleven guys that day and it wasn’t until I’d gotten the last guy’s load in my stomach that I realized that I hadn’t just come across these guys: They’d been specifically looking for me and the last guy confirmed that, yeah, he was told that he should track me down to get a good blowjob.

My feelings were so hurt and got even more hurt because now I could see that a lot of the guys I thought I’d been lucky to suck wasn’t really luck but I’d gotten a reputation. Adult me looks back at this point in time and, sigh, okay, it was what it was and, in my defense, sucking dick was one hell of a thrill and I was so caught up in it that I couldn’t see that, sometimes, I was being used more than anything else. Now, adult me understands some shit about that and I’ve accepted it as being one of the many occupational hazards of being a bisexual male in a world where there are a lot of men who want to be sucked off and without having to go through a lot of… complications to receive this pleasure.

If only I knew then what I know now… but adult me also understands that this is how you learn shit; you learn what to do and how to do it and… you learn when not to do it, too. Some guys were using me and it wasn’t like they really liked me as a person, and it wasn’t like they were like those who I’d sucked time and time again and they found there was more to like about me other than my love of sucking dick. It’s a shitty feeling realizing how some guys can be about this and it took me “a while” to get past this shitty feeling because the question I had to ask myself was what was more important: Being able to express myself like this or worrying about having a reputation as an easy cocksucker?

And understanding that this rep was responsible for me being able to express myself. A lot. Several times a day and multiple times a week. Hmm. It made me understand that sucking a guy off is about him but it’s more about me since, um, if homey wanted me to suck him off, he needs to convince me that it’s worth my time and effort to do it and more so when the guy in question wasn’t someone who was well-known to me. Now, when I say that it took me “a while” to work through this so I could be okay with things, I mean it took me a couple of days – and a couple of days where I would be in cocksucking sessions with my close friends and including the one guy who “put the word” out on me to begin with – and we had a really serious conversation about that and I’ll say that, um, there was a bit of bloodshed before he understood how much I didn’t appreciate what he had done – he’d broken the “I won’t tell if you won’t” code and the code was… sacred.

I didn’t mind being… referred if I knew about it before the fact but that’s not how things always went down but, okay. I took ownership of it because I realized and understood that there was no shame in doing something that I loved doing – and I knew that I loved doing it. This was, oh, maybe a month before the famous/infamous day when me and nine of my friends decided that it would be fun for all of us to take a turn sucking everyone else off.

If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have done it but since I didn’t know, it was such an exciting proposition that I’m surprised that I didn’t cum on myself because in one-on-one session, I had been sucked by these guys and had sucked them so to be able to line them up and suck them all off? Does it get any better than that? I thought that it didn’t so after we figured out how to do this and the question of who was going to go first came up, yeah, I hurried up and volunteered to go first and… I learned some shit that, on the one hand, I’m glad that I learned and in that “this is how you don’t do something” way and, on the other, I wish I hadn’t learned it since halfway through the guys, I wound up throwing up all of the cum I had swallowed. What I learned was how semen can upset the water balance in your stomach and when that happens, well, yuck and ew.

You would think that at this point in things, I would have “waved the white flag” and more so when I hate throwing up with a very deep passion but, nope – that’s not what I did; I rinsed my mouth out, drank some water, and finished sucking the guys off. Adult me looks at this and… I kinda don’t know why I continued other than I didn’t want to get my ass busted for being a chicken and too afraid to continue. It was a matter of pride and something I also learned about myself: I knew I could suck all nine of them off and there was no such thing as my not being able to do it and no one was gonna tell me or say that I couldn’t.

Pride goeth before the fall, as they say, and my pride took a big hit… but it was also uplifted in that, okay, I barfed… but I didn’t quit even though, by this time, I was so tired (and barfing, it seems, can make you tired, too) that the last few guys were just fucking my mouth more than I was sucking them. They were nice about it; after I barfed, they all said that I didn’t have to continue, and it would be okay if I didn’t, and I appreciated that, but I had to and because of something my parents would always tell me:

Once you start something, finish it. Well, that and despite barfing, I was having fun sucking them off and adult me cringes to admit that… sometimes. But you can bet anything you want to that it’s something I’d never do again because the most important thing I’ve learned being a cocksucker is that some guys don’t know how to get their dick sucked and, as such, they can make sucking them… not a lot of fun. Yeah, sometimes, I’d be at a house party and sometimes a free-for-all, no holds barred orgy would break out and I’d find myself sucking quite a few dicks in the course of the action and I’m talking about maybe three or four guys at the most – but having more that this number of guys sucking me. One of the things I learned to appreciate about this intoxicant-driven mayhem was how… open a lot of guys and gals would be about stuff like this when, normally and stone-cold sober, it wouldn’t even cross their minds.

It’s not that I couldn’t suck and finish off a lot of men in one setting. I know I can do it… I just know that I wouldn’t want to because guys have a… different mindset about what sucking a dick means and I know – and because I learned the hard way – that I do not like having some guy ramming his dick down my throat like he’s fucking a pussy; just my opinion but face/throat fucking isn’t cocksucking… and it gives me unpleasant chills to read posts about sucking multiple guys and how some of those who would love to experience this “prefers” to be face/throat fucked and because this is what being a submissive cocksucker means to them.

Whatever floats one’s boat. The guys who have done it have said that it was all that and then some and they wouldn’t mind doing it again and I get it (except the doing it again part) – but it’s the guys who want to experience this and many of them have yet to suck a dick and, as such, I don’t believe that they really understand what they might get themselves into. Yeah, porn. I’ve seen some stuff where there’s that one guy who is literally getting his mouth used by a lot of beer-holding guys and in a lot of those scenes, I’ve seen the moment where the guy being fed dick after dick after dick realizes that he shouldn’t have agreed to do this. I tend to sympathize with the poor schmuck because I know what that feels like but, then again, um, you’re a lot older than I was when I experienced this so what, exactly, did you think was gonna happen at some point and more so when it’s a bunch of guys who have been drinking?

I’d never tell a guy not to do this; it’s just something that I wouldn’t do again. Now, adult me has had moments where I’ve sucked off three or four guys in a single day because… why not? I’m sure there were moments when I’d sucked off as many as five guys in a single day but it’s not really a numbers game in that sense but something that was just a good idea at the time and it was fun to not only suck them off but to be sucked off… because if I haven’t learned anything else about this, it’s that I can never ignore or set aside the fact that I do very much love being sucked off so, yeah, if you wanna get sucked off, you’re not going to be the only one because… why should you be the only one getting this pleasure?

It’s not a reciprocation thing but, at the same time, it is. Those self-professed submissive cocksuckers are totally against reciprocation, and I get it… and I don’t. Even my protege, who is one of these modern-day bisexual men, says that cocksucking should be a mutual experience to be shared and I don’t disagree with him on this one as well as his position that he’s not ever going to have sex with a guy who doesn’t suck dick. You don’t have to finish him off but, yeah, guess what you’re going to be doing and if you don’t suck dick, don’t ask him – or me – to suck your dick.

Now, I’ve sucked guys off and it didn’t matter to me if they reciprocated… not because I didn’t want to be sucked but because… I didn’t want to be sucked. This might not make any sense but it does when you consider that I decided that I wanted to suck a guy off… and that’s all I wanted to do. If the guy wanted to reciprocate, I wasn’t going to tell him that he couldn’t since, um, well, yeah – I’d never tell anyone that they couldn’t suck me if they wanted to and if I did, you can bet the house that there’s a damned good reason for it and with the understanding that if there was a damned good reason for it, there won’t be any cocksucking happening at all. I’m just fortunate to have never had a damned good reason to tell someone not to suck me.

The one-on-one experiences are exciting and fun. In situations where there’s more than one cock to be sucked, yeah, it can be… challenging and a challenge that can be hard to resist since, I believe, one’s pride and ego is saying, “Yeah, go for it – you can do it!” but, yeah, the end results could be quite different because as I said earlier, some guys do not know how to get their dick sucked. This kinda neatly ties into another post about sucking a guy’s dick and preferring him to be passive or aggressive when sucking him and, sheesh, I don’t know what guys are thinking about these days but, again and for me, there’s a difference between sucking dick and having it fucked into your face. Aggressive doesn’t work for me and, yep, learned that one the hard way, too. I’ve thought that, okay, I could take on a bunch of guys as long as they let me do what I know how to do and not decide that I need… help in the doing.

But since I know that’s not likely to be the way it’ll go down, let’s not and say I did. Younger me might have let a guy get away with that but adult me? Even in this, younger me didn’t experience guys trying to deliberately ram their dicks down my throat or deliberately give my gag reflex problems and if I made that somewhat embarrassing “urp” sound, they’d back off or wouldn’t get “pissy” if/when I backed off. I had to learn to… contain my hatred of someone holding my head while I’m giving head and more so when I’ve given women head and, whew, some of the shit I’d be subjected to? I was being a hypocrite about that and saw that if I let women put me in headlocks and damned near smothering me by pressing my face very hard against their pussies – and I didn’t get ticked off about it – then why act that way when a guy just merely puts his hands on my head?

Yeah… I had some shit to learn about giving head and the difference between myself and the guys I read about who want to suck a lot of guys at one time is… I did it when I was young, and I had a lot of time and experiences sucking dick to be able to process this in a way that wasn’t detrimental to me in any way. Yeah, finding out that guys were “taking advantage” of me because they knew or heard (a) how much I loved sucking dick and swallowing sperm (b) how ‘good’ I was at doing it and (c) how stupidly easy it was for them to get me to do it was a very painful lesson to learn and that, um, fuck, just being a piece of ass to someone was just one of those things that you either accepted as “the way it can be” or you hated it and you let this hatred make decisions about how you’re not going to have sex going forward.

Or as adult me would be told one day, “You never let anyone steal your joy. Never.” I learned this way before I ever heard these words and, okay, a lot of those guys saw me as merely a means to an end but the question I had to ask myself – and had a hard time answering – was: Did I have fun sucking them off despite what I would eventually learn? And the answer was… I sure as fuck did. The next question was: Should I let just being a means to an end spoil my fun in this?” And the answer was… no and more so when I knew a lot of guys and gals who let shit like this pretty much ruin sex for them and either pride or ego demanded that I never become one of those people.

Did I have fun sucking off nine of my friends? I sure did and, yes, I’m quite proud of that accomplishment as well as being determined to finish what I started even though, um, yeah, I barfed. Yeah, we won’t be doing that one again and simply because I fucking hate having to throw up. Adult me would start looking back at these specific moments in my development as a bisexual male and it made me understand myself and it wasn’t always… comfortable to face some truths about myself like, um, I just love sucking dick and eating pussy even though too many of these experiences, after the fact, shit, let’s just say they’d left me wondering why I thought it was a good idea to do them…

And facing the hard truth about myself: I did… because I really do love doing it. There’s so much joy in putting my mouth on someone and enticing them to cum and/or orgasm and nothing or no one should be allowed to steal my joy. Guys can be assholes about getting their dick sucked and some women, whew, if I thought guys were bad about this, I’ve gone down on women who make those guys look like saints and you suck enough dick and eat enough pussy and you not only learn some shit about yourself, but you also learn some shit about those who you’d go down on… and some of what you learn isn’t nice.

I’m just not of a mind to take on a bunch of a guys all in one setting. Been there. Done that. I know what some guys think “getting my dick sucked” means these days and, nope, not having any of that shit. I could because I know I could because, again, I’ve done it. Especially that multiple guys in one day thing and since a lot of dudes like thinking about the worst that can happen, the worst thing that has happened to me is some guy’s cum… giving me the runs and that was something I had to deal with after sucking off nine of my close friends that day and on top of barfing. Unpleasant but adult me understands the question that must be asked and answered:

Did I have fun doing it? Hell yeah. Sucking off four or five guys in a single day might sound… excessive but the way I explain this is that when you’re hungry, you eat, right, and you eat until you’ve had enough to eat, right? These “multiple guy” experience taught me that I have a… hunger that has to be fed by sucking dick and eating pussy and, um, I can be seriously hungry. I understand this about myself but another important lesson I learned is that just because you can do it doesn’t mean you should do it and, well, taking on a bunch of guys in these modern times is something I shouldn’t do because I know some stuff about sucking dick that the guys who want to experience this – and they haven’t even sucked one dick – doesn’t know about and I shudder to think how this, as a “first experience” would affect them…

But that’s them. Sounds like a great idea. Probably won’t be all that great when it’s all said and done. I sincerely wish any guys who wants to experience this all the luck and success because experience remains to be the best teacher ever. Some have asked adult me if I’ve ever sucked more than one guy (or eaten more than one pussy) and… I just laugh. Not because I think the question is funny, but the answer is – well, I think it’s funny and more so when it’s a safe bet that they have no idea how much I love to give head and getting it, too.

A nice, happy sigh about this one.

PS: As I clicked “Publish,” it occurred to me that this writing, um, puts the “sexual” in bisexual and it is to note that I have zero shame about it – and that’s important for those who are feeling and thinking this way to understand that there is never any shame in doing something you know you wanted to do. How it might turn out is something else to be considered and if it wasn’t all that good of an experience, don’t let that steal whatever joy you’ve found. It’s a mistake that a lot of people make and it’s also a mistake that I almost made or I was about to when I learned that I was being used and taken advantage of.

Don’t let that happen to you. People will try to steal your joy and you should not ever let them do it. Never, ever.

Just needed to add this… and now I’m clicking “Update.”

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 26 August 22

I awoke today and not because my traitorous bladder decided to interrupt my sleep. Nope – I woke up because I felt hot and sticky and thinking that the people who claimed that our memory foam mattress would also keep us nice and cool were full of shit. I’m kinda tossing and turning as I’m waking up and like my body is looking for a cool spot and whenever I moved, I could feel the heat from the previous spot and that’s about the time my bladder decided to join in and bring me to full awareness and right along with an immediate need to take a shower.

Once I made my bladder happy and getting stuff together to shower, that’s about the time when the asshole that lives in my head decided that I needed to recall a hot summer night from my youth and being awakened in the dead of night because I was hot… and on top of the heat of the night.

It was the first night of a planned weekend sleepover with a kinda new friend. We’d known each other for a while but scheduling the expected sleepover took a while to coordinate between the parents and much to our dismay but things fell into place nicely and I was exciting to be able to spend this time with him because, well, he was cool and all that. And as it turned out, it was the last weekend before it was time to go back to school and neither of us were looking forward to it so it was upon us to make the most and best of this moment.

Once I got there, it was the two of us trying to cram in as much fun as we could and to the point where we were commanded to get our dusty and sweaty backsides in the shower before dinner; we’d gone to his room and stripped down and spent a couple of “second” ogling each other’s nakedness before busting out in giggles. We didn’t shower together but there was that moment when we were very naked before each other before getting dressed in clean clothes and heading down for dinner, which was really good, by the way.

After dinner, I played Monopoly with him and his family and he had warned them that I was really good playing it and, well, they found out that they should have listened to him as I cleaned them all out in short order and wiped them all out again when a rematch was demanded. It was a lot of fun but, oh, around 8pm, we were ordered to his room to get ready for bed and told that we’d better be asleep no later than 9pm. We dutifully acknowledged the instructions given to us while knowing that we were going to ignore them but, of course, his parents knew that, too.

It’s PJ time. We strip down to our underwear and I kinda blinked when he stepped out of his underwear before putting on his PJ bottoms. I guess he realized that I was staring at him and he kinda shrugged and said that he never slept in his underwear while wearing PJs and I kinda shrugged and in a “who does that?” kind of way but, okay – I stepped out of mine as well and we took note of the fact that we had the same PJs right up to their powder blue color. We dive into his bed, laughing and acting like a couple of idiots and even did a bit of rassling which got his father’s attention since he decided to pay us a visit to tell us to cut out the horseplaying, turn out the light, and go to sleep.

Yeah, like we were gonna do that but that’s what we wound up doing after a few more minutes of talking about how much we didn’t like going to school.

As I recall, the home didn’t have air conditioning, but it had been rather cool in his room and his bedroom window was open and letting in the cool night air but, at some point, I was… hot. Not quite to the point where I would start sweating but I was hot and I knew that I was even though I was asleep. Not only that but I was having the weirdest dream of having sex with someone and the thing that I remember about that moment was kinda being aware of both things but not being able to wake up but also not wanting to wake up because I was dreaming about someone sucking my dick and making it feel really, really good.

And it started feeling “too good.” I’m kinda awake or, at least, my body seemed to be awake but the rest of me hadn’t caught up yet but there was that… pressure in my balls that, awake or not, I knew meant that I was about to shoot and there was nothing I could do about it unless I could wake up and with a bit of mental effort, I “forced” myself to wake up…

To find my friend quietly and gently sucking on my dick. That just made the pressure in my balls increase and, shit, I’m gonna shoot and I can see that he had no idea that I’m awake and looking at him – and I can see why I was feeling so hot because he’s draped over the middle of my body as he sucked on me and he doesn’t know that I’m awake because he can’t see me. I was in what I would later learn to be a Catch-22; I could let him know that I was awake by telling him I was gonna shoot but if I did that, that might startle him and he’d stop sucking me and I didn’t want that to happen because, jeez, he was making it feel really good and…

It was like that bomb went off, not only in my head but my whole body as I shot my jizz. I heard him moan and I could feel him sucking a little harder and like he was drinking from a straw, and I had the thought that if I wasn’t in the middle of shooting my stuff, I would have been laughing about silly that “image” was in my head. I must’ve moaned – or I’m sure I did but not really sure – because he finished swallowing my stuff, raised up and turned to look in my direction to find me just now being able to open my eyes to look back at him.

“Oh, you’re awake!” he whispered into the night.

“I was hot and thought I was dreaming,” I whispered back.

“I’m sorry but I couldn’t help it,” he said. “When I saw you naked, I knew that I had to. Are you mad at me? You must think I’m some kind of a freak.”

“No, I’m not mad and I don’t think you’re a freak but I wish you had told me that you liked doing that so, um, so I could do it to you, too,” I said.

“Really?” he asked and that got us revealing that we both liked doing it to girls… and boys, too. Which was the perfect excuse and reason for me to help him out of his PJ bottom so I could suck his dick and it was heavenly. He had his pillow over his face to muffle his moaning and that told me that he liked what i was doing and that I should keep doing it and more; he was fucking into my mouth and moving around so much that I had a moment of fear thinking that it could be enough noise to get one of his parents coming in to see if we were all right – and then almost laughing (with all of his dick in my mouth) because I was pretty sure we were both all right.

A few minutes later – and minutes that felt much longer than that – he shot his stuff into my mouth and I moaned as I started to swallow it because (a) there was a lot of it and (b) man, his stuff really tasted good! I’m all hot and bothered and… hot. I’m sweating like a fiend and the breeze that had been blowing in through his window was still coming in but not doing anything about how hot I was on top of being hot and bothered and then feeling… something to have learned that we were more alike than we had previously known or thought.

“Oh, that was very nice,” he said. I knew that he had whispered that but it sounded really loud to me. “Um, uh, do you fuck?”

“Yeah,” I said and because there was nothing else to say. His smile, even in the darkness of his room, seemed to light things up.

“Hang on for a moment,” he said. He slipped out of the bed and went to his dresser, rummaged around in a drawer for a moment, and returned to bed with… a jar of Vaseline and telling me that his parents didn’t know he had swiped this from them and all I could do was smile because I was sure that they did know and the probably knew why he had swiped it… but they might not have known what we were about to do with it.

“Hurry up and put it in me,” he whispered, and I hurried up as much as I could to slather us both up and the moment I got done putting some between his butt cheeks – and putting some in his hole, he flipped over onto his back and opened his legs “high and wide” and urged me again to hurry up and put it in him and I did.

My “greasy” dick slid right into him; it made both of us gasp. He wrapped his legs around me and then he wrapped his arms around me and pulling me tight to him. He kept whispering in my ear a litany I’d heard so many times: “Do it to me, do it to me, do it to me…” And I did it to him and it was so good and not just because my dick felt good inside of him but I was liking how he was moaning and grinding back against me and just like some girls would do when I screwed them.

I don’t know how long I was screwing him but seemed to be “forever” before he whispered for me to shoot my jizz into him, his breath hot against my face and ear and just adding to how hot and sweaty and sticky I was already feeling. He kept saying, “Do it…” over and over and something inside of me obeyed him and… I shot my stuff into him, and I felt like someone was beating me with a baseball bat.

He moaned. He groaned. He bucked against me and was using his hands on my ass to pull me tighter to him and I had a funny moment of thinking that I wasn’t going to get any farther in him than I already was and almost giggled at the thought of him shoving the rest of my body into him – but I didn’t… but maybe I did because he was giggling in my ear. God, this was so good and despite being uncomfortably hot and bothered and hot and sweaty, I knew I wanted him to do it to me and told him as much.

“Your turn to fuck me,” I whispered in his ear. We got separated so fast that if I hadn’t known that I was between his legs and still in his ass, I would have sworn I never was. He got us slathered and I stayed on my belly since (a) I was already lying like that and (b) he didn’t try to turn me over. I felt him on top of me and, a moment later, gasped to feel his prick dive into me in one movement and, god, it felt so good!

“Do it to me,” I whispered to him and the night air. Man, his dick felt good moving in and out of me and I felt my body pushing up against his and hearing our sweaty bodies smacking against each other and the sound seemed to be loud enough for everyone in the world to hear but I didn’t care one bit – all I cared about was his dick in my ass and him screwing me and I could wait for him to shoot his stuff into me and…

He did. I could feel his dick pumping in me as well as his whole body shuddering against mine and like he was being electrocuted. It felt good. It felt very nasty. I didn’t want him to stop putting his stuff in me but I knew that, at some point, he’d be finished, and he would pull out of me and when he did, I felt good but… empty. It wasn’t the first time I’d had this feeling and I didn’t understand it now and no more than I understood it the first time I felt this way. I wanted him back inside of me because maybe that would make this empty feeling go away but “reason” returned to tell me that it’s gonna be few minutes or so before he’d be able to fuck me again. But first, we both had some serious cleaning up to do.

Needless to say, we didn’t get any more sleep that first night. We sucked each other off. We fucked each other. Got cleaned up and talked (and giggled like girls) in between doing it all over again. I remember him telling me at some point that he liked having sex with boys but he hadn’t had a single thought about having sex with me before we wound up naked together in his room prior to showering. He had said that he felt bad about sneaking me like he did but he couldn’t resist sucking me and he even mentioned that it felt weird because he wanted me to wake up and “catch him in the act” but he hoped I would stay asleep at the same time and… I understood what he was saying but, yeah, I was wishing we had been able to talk about this before anything happened… but what’s done is done and what made all of it okay, at least for me, was that we were good at having sex with each other.

Somewhere around 7:30 or so, we both were awake to hear the tapping on his door and his mom telling us to “get our lazy behinds out the bed and cleaned up for breakfast” and we both hid some giggling behind our hands because, um, if we were anything, it wasn’t lazy. Yeah, we both agreed that his mom came to wake us up a half an hour after we got done sucking each other off one more time and, yeah, if she had showed up ten minutes sooner, we might have been in serious trouble… and that gave us another case of the giggles despite how very serious that would have been.

We get to the table to eat and his dad asks us, “Did you guys sleep okay? It was kinda hot last night, wasn’t it?”

Uh oh! Was this his way of him telling us that he knew what we’d been doing all night long? I had to fight that incredible urge to run to the bathroom, but I heard him telling his wife that maybe they should invest in a couple of those new air conditioner things because, during the summer and at night, the house tended to be warmer than it was during the day. I know that I breathed a sigh of relief and I snuck a peek at my friend to see if he was doing the same thing and… he’s eating pancakes and like he didn’t have a care in the world or maybe he didn’t hear his dad but he did hear him because he said – and like I had – that he’d slept just fine but, yeah, it was kinda hot. Yeah, we lied our asses off about sleeping but it wasn’t like we were going to tell him that we didn’t sleep because we had spent the night creating even more heat.

The rest of the weekend was… more of the same. His parents had tossed us out of the house and he took me to the place he would go with his friends in the neighborhood so that they could have all the sex they wanted to and without risking getting caught. We got there and, to my surprise, some of his friends were already there and doing it to each other. They saw us, greeted us and he introduced me to them and let them know that I was not only okay but really okay which made them relax and go right back to what they were doing and, well, let’s say that things… devolved pretty quickly and probably because his friends wanted to find out what it was like to do it to me and for me to do it to them and, man, let’s see:

We got tossed out just after 8:00am; we got to his secret place around 8:15 or so and, let’s say, by 8:30 or so, the “orgy” got started and didn’t break up until maybe 11:00 and only then because we all had to get back to where we belonged for lunch. And… off to get showered and this time, we showered together. No sex but we had fun rubbing our soapy bodies against each other and especially the erections we were both sporting (and he had a very nice one, by the way and he had complimented me on my boner). We got fussed at for getting water all over the the bathroom floor and our lunch was delayed because we had to clean it up but we did that, had lunch, and right back to his secret place and found that we were the only ones there.

We were doing it like neither of us had ever done it before. We admitted that we wish we had known this about each other when we first met because we could have been doing this way before now, but we were doing it now and it was so good. We talked about how… right it felt to like boys and girls and, as I recall, he got… introduced a couple of months after I’d been introduced – and we were the same age – and that made things… special. We… bonded at a level that just felt right and we spend a long time silently thinking about all of this before I felt it was time to empty his balls again. We spent, oh, maybe a couple of hours alone in his secret place before leaving there and kinda wandering around and talking about this and that but also talking about how good it was going to be once it was bedtime and we both laughed when he said, “Who knows? Maybe we’ll get some sleep tonight!”

In the here and now, I’m in the shower and adjusting the water temp down to be cooler and thinking that the thing that made this memory so… memorable was me waking up at some point because I felt hot and sticky and seeing that I felt that way because my friend was snuggled up to me – really kinda draped on me, to be honest – and… it was okay and I went back to sleep. I woke up later because the sun was cooking my face and I went to move but couldn’t because he was still… holding onto me and when I tried to move, he pulled me tighter to hm. I remember being moved by this moment and being “bothered” by it because it felt like I might be in love with him but that was silly – boys can have sex with each other but falling in love? Preposterous! I do remember wanting to make love to him so bad that it kinda hurt but I also knew that if I did, that would be right about the time one of his parents arrived to roust us out of bed.

It was a great weekend and I felt some kind of way about having to head back home. I knew we’d see each other again and especially when school started up again in a few days but… I missed him and not just because we’d shared a lot of sex and other things with each other. We never spent the night or weekend with each other again but we would hang out with each other and I even took him to one of my secret places since he had shared his with me and, well, you know what we spent our time doing. But as these things tended to go, well, it wasn’t like I moved away or he did because we still saw each other in school and all that but I would say that girls got more of our attention but we kinda… grew apart. That kinda bothered me and so much that my mom had asked me why I was being a Sad Sack and while I didn’t tell her exactly why I was being one, I told her about my friend and how we were kinda not friends but we were and she explained to me that as we grow and experience different things and meet new people, things like this just happen and it doesn’t feel good but that’s what memories are for.

Her words of wisdom made me feel better and I had good memories of the two of us hanging out and having sex and, well, they’d have to serve me as I continued to grow and learn about the world around me and, yeah, doing homework and school shit but being able to share some stuff with a guy who was very much like me but also so very different.

I’m done showering and in the process of drying off (so I can put some lotion on me before I start getting ashy) and I can feel myself smiling at this memory of a time where I was hot and sweaty and sticky because I had a friend who took it upon himself to do something to make me feel that way… and even better. So much better and it wasn’t us having mad crazy sex that made me feel that way but also what I learned about myself and my feelings as well as kinda/sorta accepting that I could have “deep feelings” for a guy but at the same time, nah, because that was something gay guys were into and I wasn’t gay.

Which served to remind me, just for a moment, about really falling in love with a guy. The impossible made possible and, I’d say, confirming to me that guys can fall in love with each other and being bi or gay or even straight doesn’t mean a whole lot but, yeah, we’re still guys and we just get weird about stuff like this but knowing that, yep, we feel what we feel and it’s not always lust.

I’m walking around nice and naked and thinking about how glad I am to have had the experiences I did when I was younger and being able to absorb everything and having the wherewithal to put it all into perspective so that my bisexuality wasn’t… two different thing and as I’ve heard so many bisexuals say: It’s all one thing because I’m not two different people – just one person with dual interests in people.

I’m sighing a happy sigh today. Who know what tomorrow will bring?

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 24 August 22

I was furiously scrolling through Twitter last night trying to find the tweet I’d seen previously where Xbox announced that a revamped “Saints Row” game was now available. Yeah, I like this game’s franchise so of course I wanted to get it downloaded to my console, only to have it tell me that the game wasn’t available, which got me scrolling through all those tweets to see if, by chance, I read it wrong… but I don’t think I did.

I had stopped scrolling for a moment to pay attention to the game I was playing – No Man’s Sky – because there was a bad storm happening and I got caught in it so I’m hustling back to my ship and watching my health meter rapidly decreasing. Once I got to safety, I returned to my search for that damned tweet and saw that I had stopped on a tweet that said that the smiling guy frozen in the video was cruising for the first time.

Cruising is “simply” guys, well, cruising areas in search for dick and ass, from men’s rooms to the great outdoors and while I think it’s a given that a lot of cruising clips are staged and that you can’t believe the captions that often accompany such clips, I decided to take a break from being a little frustrated by Xbox and check this first-time cruiser out. He’s smiling nervously; his eyes are darting left and right and understandably so since one of the dangers – and thrills – of cruising is knowing that you could be discovered doing whatever and by someone who might be of a mind to let law enforcement know.

He approaches the camera, and he’s got a look on his face that tells me that he’s not sure that he wants to be doing this but he’s trying to man-up; he reaches down and the camera also moves down to find the guy’s hand wrapping around a rather nice dick. His eyes and head are moving quickly from left to right before he addressing the dick in his hand that he’s been pulling on before he tentatively starts to first lick, then put the head of the dick into his mouth.

I’m thinking that this might have been his first time cruising and possibly his first time sucking a dick or, yeah, the former is a first for him but the latter may not have been since I can tell you how… weird it is to be out in the open and sucking a guy’s dick and that somewhat delicious feeling of paranoia that’s trying to trigger your flight-or-fight instincts. Anyway, I’m paying attention to him more than what he’s trying to do. He takes the guy’s knob into his mouth and backs away from it and I can tell by the look on his face that he’s trying to decide if he likes the taste of the dick or not. He decides that it’s okay and he’s tentatively sucking the dick and being bolder by trying to take more of it into his mouth and with some help of the guy’s hand on his head.

That particular moment got me thinking about that particular moment and the many times I’ve watch a guy go through that same kind of nervousness when he’s got my dick in hand and now he’s trying to decide if he really wanted to suck me and like he said he did. That moment of being very nervous and tentative; a lick or a kiss which is usually followed by the guy licking his lips and I have watched guys doing this and it’s fascinating to actually watch them thinking about this… new taste and sensation their lips have discovered. I have seen the moment their brain decided that it’s not… bad. More kissing and licking before I’ve seen guys make that “fuck it” decision and close their mouth around the head of my dick and more tasting, more decisions and sometimes a glance at me; sometimes, what I see in their eyes makes me remind them that they don’t have to do this and they can stop and it won’t be a problem.

And they continue. Their movements become more… confident and I’m not faking it when I start to sigh and moan because it seems to me that the best head I’ve gotten from a guy is when it’s his first time doing it. And since it is, I have learned to be still and let him find his way and even in those moments when I’ve closed my eyes to savor things, I can tell he’s looking at me to see whether or not I’m liking what he’s doing. If they determine that I do like it, it… emboldens them; they get to be more confident and now he’s sucking my dick and like he’s been doing it all of his life and, sometimes, making me wonder if he was yanking my chain about this being his first time and more so on those occasions where the guy got really bold and deep-throated me (which I never expect or insist upon) and there was none of the gagging that I’ve seen happen with a lot of guys and making me gently say to them, “Don’t try to do more than you’re able to, okay?”

I’ve got this going on in my mind as I’m watching Mr. First-time Cruiser sucking dick and with the guy holding the cellphone shoving the guy’s head down more and more and there was that brief moment when the guy looked up at the dude and there was some panic in his eyes and in the same instant when his hand wrapped around the base of the dude’s dick to prevent anymore dick going into his mouth… and I’ve found it interesting that a guy who has never sucked dick until now just seems to know how to do this but, then again, if he’s ever had a woman suck him, I’m sure he would have seen her do this very same thing upon getting more dick in her mouth than (a) she can handle or (b) wants to be bothered with.

Mr. First-time is having his mouth fucked more than he’s sucking dick and, personally, I’m kinda ticked off about that but I get a grip on that and continue to watch this guy sucking dick and his facial expressions as he does so including the looks I picked up on in his eyes. Given how long this clip has been running, I’m thinking that it’s going to be one that just might show how the guy reacts to getting a mouthful of cum. Homey takes the dick out of his mouth, looks up at the guy and he smiles but it’s still somewhat nervous and I thought that this was because he either knew what was going to happen next or the cameraman told him what he was going to do. The guy goes back to sucking and pumping what dick he had in his hand and I noted that he’s got a… higher grip on the dick that is only allowing, oh, maybe a third of the length of the dick in hand.

I saw the moment the guy came in his mouth because Mr. First-time got that look on his face. Okay, it’s like you know what’s going to happen and most of the time, the other guy will say that he’s cumming (but sometimes not) and that first shot of spunk just gets one to have that look on their face and this guy seriously had it which kinda told me this could be the first time he’s taken a load in his mouth because I’m looking at his eyes and I can see him thinking about some stuff about it and deciding on whether to swallow it or just get away from the rest of it. He blinks and I see his throat working – he’s swallowing it and as he does so, he’s got his eyes screwed tightly closed and the “grimace” on his face is telling me that he’s having a bit of trouble in the swallowing; could be the taste of the cum, the consistency of it, or even the amount he’s found himself dealing with.

He backs away from the dick and as another drop falls from the guy’s cock slit, homey is smiling like he stole something and has gotten away with it. His face was already flushed a nice shade of red from the efforts of sucking and trying to keep all of that dick out of his mouth and in this moment, it’s flushed an even deeper shade of red that spoke to me about how proud he was of himself that he did this. Now, it could have been an act for the camera, but I didn’t think it was because I have, again, watched a lot of guys suck my dick and I’ve learned to pick up on any sign that he’s not liking any of what he’s doing and… that “Hey, I did it!” look is something that cannot really be faked… if you know what to look for.

The clip ends at this point and I can feel myself nodding although I’m not sure why I’m doing this but I am thinking about how cruising seems to have really taken off and some guys being pretty bold in where they’re doing this and my own biases arrive to put their twenty-cents worth in. I’d never deliberately go somewhere looking for some action like this but, yeah, sure – I’ve been in a park and talking to a guy and we decide that, hey, this would be a great time to suck each other or to do a quickie fuck and, yeah, we’re outside and “in the open” and anyone can wander by and see us and it’s both scary and exciting.

I’d never sit in my car somewhere with my dick out and hoping some guy – or a gal – will come along and do something with it. I mean, it’s not like I’ve never had sex in a car and I do remember this one time when I was walking home in a downpouring of rain and a guy – and a guy I knew of – stopped to give me a ride and I blew him to show my appreciation and, um, I had always wanted to suck his dick anyway. But that’s different. Like, sure – I’ve been sucked off in the men’s room a few times but the difference – and if you wanna call it that – is that I didn’t go in there for the express purpose of being sucked off.

It… just happened. I’m at the urinal and since there’s only two of them, I’m almost shoulder to shoulder with the other guy; he looks down at my dick and says, “When you’re done, lemme suck that…” and, well, I’m nicely buzzed after three glasses of my favorite Scotch and I’m horny and he sucked me off in less than five minutes, thanked me, and we both went to the sink to wash our hands after he declined my offer to suck him off. But, again, that’s different.

I’m just sitting there playing my game and thinking about all of this and getting a grip on the whole cruising thing that, again, has taken wings and flying like an F-22 Raptor. One of the bugaboos in things M2M is the inability for guys to host and, well, doing it in a park or wherever is a lot less expensive than getting a room that you’re probably not going to use until the place’s checkout time the next day. I say that one of the highlights of sucking dick is that it can be done almost anywhere and cruising bears this out and happens in places that sometimes makes me say, “I wouldn’t do that…” or, um, reminds me that I did but, again, the difference was that I didn’t go to wherever I was with the purpose of looking for sex and even then I was usually with someone I knew, not that I’m afraid of some guy I don’t know approaching me and wanting to blow me or whatever – I do know how to protect myself and with lethal intent if necessary. Hell, I’m even used to someone watching me do my thing but when they have, it’s because they were already there and I not only do not like being surprised, but I also don’t react well to being surprised by someone showing up and blurting out, “Hey, what are you guys doing?”

That’s a nice way to get hurt.

I get to a stopping point in my game; there’s something I have to build, and I need to acquire the materials to build it and I know it’s going to take some effort to find the materials and I’m not feeling doing all of that work right now so, save the game and get out of it. I’m still thinking about Mr. First-time and how he went about sucking that guy’s dick and that if he was acting, it was most excellent acting… but my instincts told me that he wasn’t putting on a show and, well, in these things, you can tell that there’s some acting going on because the person sucking the dick is staring into the camera which, personally, I think is pretty insipid but I know it’s a “porno trick” that’s supposed to make the viewer get the “don’t you wish this was you?” impressing that, apparently, staring into the camera is supposed to do.

This guy, when he was looking, wasn’t looking at the camera – he’s fixing his eyes on the guy he was sucking and I can even see how aroused he was because his pupils were dilated despite it being a sunny day wherever this place was. I was thinking that this was most likely a double-first time for him; doing in “public” and sucking a dick for the first time. I mean, there are ways to fake this but if you know what to look for – and what you’re looking at – well, you can tell and especially in the many times I’ve seen one of these cruising clips and the cocksucker is experienced because homey just gets after the dick and there’s no hesitation and he might even glance at the camera once and as to say to the viewer, “Watch what I’m about to do!” And you can tell that it’s… scripted because, again, they’re either staring at the camera or they keep looking at it and not really paying attention to what they’re supposed to be doing and, well, yeah.

Which really isn’t the point so much… but guys having to resort to cruising parks and other public places is the point and one that I do understand since good sex is where you find it… and you can find it anywhere and cruising, again, proves this to be true. I’m deciding to start another game and idly thinking about the parks in my area and the possibility of cruisers hanging out in them. Like, there’s this one park not too far from me that gained some notoriety and attention from the state police for… um, illicit activities, mostly drug dealing and usage but a few times, guys have gotten busted and arrested for having sex in public and doing it in a state park, which just worsens whatever charged are handed out.

I know this park. I’ve been there a few times to fish with guys who like to fish (and I’m not a fan, by the way, because I tend to catch stuff that aren’t fish more often than not) and, um, okay, this one time, the four of us decided that catching fish wasn’t working but this was a good spot to catch some dick in our mouths and we were more, ah, successful in this kind of fishing than the aquatic version… but that was us being spontaneous and a bit daring; why wait to go back to someone’s crib when we can do it right here, right now and with the thrill of knowing that someone could wander by and see us doing it.

This is about the time where I sigh, and I am sighing. I get it. It reminds me that just because I wouldn’t be of a mind to do any cruising, it never means that there aren’t guys for which this is the only way they can get their dick fix and, yeah, they have the nerve to capture it on their phone’s video and then decide to put it out there on the social media that will allow it. If someone said to me, “Hey, let’s do a video of us sucking dick/fucking and put it on Twitter!” I would look at them like they lost whatever mind God gave them and say, “Oh, fuck no. Just no.” I’ve never been a prude and I do have a sense of adventure when it comes to having sex and I remain fearless in these things but, well, no. I’ll suck you off but if you like your phone, leave it in your pocket because I’d not want to have to replace it after I take it from you and throw it as far as I can. I’m not camera-shy, either but I have a problem with being… a cliche and/or proving some of those stereotypes I’ve had to live with that says that guys are so desperate for sex that they’ll do anything, anyone, anywhere, and at any time.

There is some truth to this, by the way, but what’s not needed is… video proof of it. I see clips of guys doing the deed while cruising and… wearing masks or otherwise trying to hide their faces which is another indication that whatever you’re looking at has been staged/scripted and, well, I wouldn’t do that because I don’t much give a fuck who knows that I suck dick but there is such a thing as taking shit too far and, besides, I’d find it distracting and I’d rather not be distracted any more than I might be over being somewhere that has a great chance of an encounter with law enforcement and, as such, I’d rather not wind up in a courtroom and explaining myself to a judge and one who just might decide that I need to spend some time in jail to think about the error of my ways.

Yeah, let’s not do that and say we ain’t gonna do that. Yet and still, I understand it and the pornographic aspects set aside for a moment or two. I understand it because growing up with this, me and the gang knew of every place in our area where we could go have sex and the chances of us getting caught or seen doing it, well, the chances were good but also not all that likely since, again, we knew of every nook and cranny and some of them were right under the noses of the adults who would beat the shit out of us for having sex then take us home, tell our parents, and they would beat the shit out of us, too, and for us, again. You just… do it whenever and wherever you can and there is that very scary thrill of knowing that at any moment, you could get caught in the act… but proceeding with the act anyway.

It never helps that our society is still so very much against men having sex with each other but it’s also one of those things that if you’re doing the deed with homey and out of the public eye, that’s all well and good or no face, no case and what no one else knows is going to give you any problems. Fine, but it’s this same… sense of privacy that also doesn’t allow a whole lot of guys to do their dirt behind closed doors and the only recourse is to do the dirt wherever and whenever they might be able to get away with it since, um, parents and baby momma’s, wives and girlfriends, tend to not have a sense of humor about such sexual acts between men and being done in their home.

My mind goes back to those early moments of that guy about to suck a dick in public. He… kinda didn’t want to do either thing but I gave him props for doing it anyway and for the camera, too. I saw the moment where he went from being unsure of what he was doing to being sure about it and the way he was doing it also told me that this could really be his first cocksucking experience and, well, you really can’t fake this. I’ve seen clips of guys acting like they have no idea what they’ve been asked to do and all that but I’ve also seen the moment where they’ve dropped the pretense, too, because I’ve seen that one personally. Yeah, some guys have tried to bullshit me into thinking that they’ve never done this before and the reason why they fail to bullshit me is because I can see it in their eyes that they’re lying their asses off but, okay, I’ll play your silly game and I’ll let you know that you didn’t fool me and now it’s about what grade you get for trying to pull the wool over my eyes.

Yeah, I’ve been fooled plenty of times and I’ve had to be a “good sport” about it but, um, I got my dick sucked and my balls emptied just the same. Thinking about this guy served to “remind” me that people who don’t suck dick can’t imagine what it takes to do it and I’m not talking about the actual attempt to do it – I’m talking about what goes on in a guy’s head that kinda debunks the notion that we will blow each other without a care in the world and indiscriminately. That’s not what really happens and I’m the guy who has been in this situation way too many times who’ll let this truth be known.

Another truth is some guys are just… naturals at it. That or they’ve had all the time they needed to get it into their head that they want to suck a dick and they’re just gonna get right to it no matter what. But that’s not a lot of guys and there is great… trepidation involved. Shit is about to get really real. That first taste and how it’s being processed by their brain always makes a big difference and you can tell if (a) a guy finds it to his liking, (b) eh, maybe not so much but it’s tolerable and, of course (c) just ew and there won’t be anything else after that first taste. I’ve had guys taste me – and dick – for the first time and take a moment to say, “It doesn’t taste all that bad!” but I knew they had decided this because I’ve been watching them for any sign that they’re gonna freak out and, yeah, I’ve seen that one too many times as well and I’d rather they not freak out.

Yeah, I care. Sue me. This guy showed every sign of this trebled first time: First time doing something in public; first time being videoed doing it; and the first time sucking another man’s dick and having cum in his mouth to swallow. I felt happy for him, but I also felt bad for him because a guy’s first time should be in a better setting and without cameras being present… but that’s just me. And I do and still understand some stuff about this, well, not the camera part, but doing what you want or have to do even if it’s in a place that doesn’t afford a lot of real privacy… because needs always must.

And folks who don’t understand why guys blow each other should be aware of some stuff about this that, hopefully, allows them to better understand this but, yeah, probably not since one has to suspend that which they believe in order to see the truth of something: There are, indeed, men who are not gay who suck dick and are okay with other guys sucking their dick… and we will do it wherever we think we can get away with it and all because this behavior is not acceptable and so many cannot do it behind the closed doors that society would prefer this… immoral act to be done.

More sighing. And I’m done writing for now.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 23 August 22

Inseminate.

The first time I heard this word, I was with my, um, well, female fuck buddy and we had planned to screw each other silly but it started out with us playing “Hard to Get” where I was kicking my best seduction game at her and she’s playing hard to get and we’re both trying to be serious about this but that was difficult since we were both laughing and giggling about it.

She finally said, “Okay, we can do it… as long as you do your job!”

“My job…?” I asked and, yes, it threw me for a big loop.

“Yes, your job,” she said, flashing that smile at me that attracted me to her in the first place. “You’re a guy, aren’t you?”

“Um, yeah,” I said, wondering where this was going.

“Okay, so your job is to inseminate me, and I expect you to do your job!” she said – then proceeded to strip down to her very naked glory.

And I… inseminated her and twice more but I had no idea what “inseminate” meant and I’ll admit to being somewhat distracted as I, um, went about inseminating her because I heard a word I’d never heard before but after the first time, she confirmed that I had inseminated her nicely and that got me “invited” to inseminate her two more times. Now, you gotta know that I asked her what that word meant and where she heard it and you gotta know that the only answer I got was her smiling at me and telling me she’d see me tomorrow.

Yeah, that was helpful. I remember walking home and being totally absorbed about this word and to the point that I embarrassed the shit out of myself by walking into a mailbox… and one of the fellas saw me do it. I had to suffer through him laughing his fool ass off but he eventually settled down and asked me what I was thinking about so hard that I didn’t see the mailbox and I tried to not really tell him, but I did tell him that I learned a new word and it had me puzzled enough to walk into the mailbox.

But it wasn’t just the word that had me… bothered. I got home and broke out my dictionary and looked it up and once I saw the definition, I was like, “Oh, okay – that’s what I thought it meant!” You’d think that having shot three loads of cum into my buddy, I would have instantly figured out the connection but, um, I could be the dumbest smart guy you knew at times. In fact, I did make the connection, but it was the word itself that had me walking into mailboxes and putting another thought into my head:

Every time a guy fucked me, he was inseminating me. The dictionary gave me the definition of the verb: “[to] introduce semen into (a woman or a female animal) by natural or artificial means” and, okay, I really made the connection (but still wondered how she learned this word and I was sure it wasn’t in school) but, again, the “disturbing” part was knowing that guys were introducing semen into me and quite naturally either in my mouth or in my butt.

There was something… nasty about the word and I’m not saying that it was a good or bad nasty but the implication of the word was, well, nasty. Directly related to reproduction and I understood this – no, babies were never delivered by storks, mailmen, or milk delivery guys – and just saying the word kept sending shivers through me that were both good and kinda not so good. Which eventually led to that moment a few days later when a guy was fucking me and started to cum and I thought, “He’s trying to get me pregnant!” and how it… bothered me that I was, in fact, being inseminated and the thought felt… nasty but a good kind of nasty and I remember smiling to myself as he finished… inseminating me because that thought of him trying to get me pregnant was both very real and very damned impossible.

Which, um, which was one of the reasons doing something with a guy was “preferred” because of this impossibility. The word was stuck in my head like it got nailed there and it would make me run the gamut of emotions, from being disturbed by the reality of it to laughing to myself – and sometimes, out loud – about how it felt to say the word and it felt… nasty. My buddy telling me that she expected me to do my job really brought that reality home to me. She didn’t get pregnant (well, not by me) but it was the act and what it meant that bitch-slapped the piss out of me and more so when I’d been getting inseminated both orally and anally… and pretty much loving every time it happened.

And having to accept the very stark reality that I liked being inseminated. It felt good to be inseminated and, yeah, semen, more often than not, tasted really good and while I knew what role semen played in making babies, that damned word being stuck in my head brought even more starkness to the reality I was experiencing.

Girls/women/females weren’t the only ones who could have semen introduced into them and as far as the use of the word “animal” in the definition, I knew that humas were also animals – but I inferred that the definition meant cows and horses and, yeah, I’d learned that artificial insemination was a method used by farmers to make more of whatever animals they needed. I understood this but taking it to the human level of things, I was not only inseminating girls but guys, too, and being inseminated by them and the thought of this very natural thing was… nasty. A good nasty but still nasty and made even nastier when I knew that cum is a two-part thing: Semen is the medium that contains our sperms and what we called pre-cum was, in fact, seminal fluid minus the sperm although some sperms could be present and, yep, that’s how some girls got pregnant even though the guy didn’t cum in her.

Ah, science!

It took me quite a while to get inseminate out of my head. Hell, me and my fuck buddy made a game out of it like me giving her a call and telling her how much I would love to inseminate her if she was of a mind to be inseminated and we’d laugh and giggle and she’d get inseminated orally, vaginally, and a couple of times, anally and it was all good clean but nasty fun… but with some human nature realities that couldn’t really be ignored when I was the one being inseminated.

And loving the shit out of it. Finding out that I liked that part more than whatever it took to get to that part. Really understanding what that pumping action meant and making it all nice and nasty to feel that pumping in my mouth or my ass; to swallow the guy’s semen; to feel it oozing out of me after it got pumped into me. Oh, yeah – inseminate me! I would catch myself thinking this while a guy was, um, going about inseminating me and I’d have to bite my lip or something to keep from laughing because it was a silly thought and an unnecessary one because one way or another, the guy giving me his dick was going to do his job.

Well, hopefully he would… and he’d better.

Once I understood what this damned word meant, I could see that even if a guy didn’t know the word existed, they knew what cum was and some guys were very afraid of it because it was believed that a guy’s cum would make another guy… gay. No, I am not joking about this because I had fucked quite a few guys who told me not to cum in them because they didn’t want to be gay. Later, I would hear some guys say that as long as no cum was involved between two guys, it wasn’t gay at all and…

Have I ever mentioned how weird guys can be about cum?

Inseminate. I’ve done it to guys and gals and guys have done it to me. I inseminated my wife three times, and the result was that she got pregnant. All well, good, normal, and just as nature intended but I’d also understand with a great deal of clarity that it’s also well, good, normal, and natural for guys to inseminate each other because, um, it felt good to be on either end of the insemination and that the only thing really “gay” about it was knowing and understanding what being homosexual meant and, indeed, why it became a sin…

Because a guy can inseminate the daylights out of me… and the only result is I have a mess to clean up afterward. No babies. Being gay is more than the sex, of course but, yeah. No babies. And making babies was a very big thing and deal early in our emergence as a species so it made sense to me that we – human males – were being restricted to only inseminating females but somewhere along the line, it became a recreational thing to do as well and, um, being able to inseminate females was whatever fun it was going to be but I maintain that somewhere in our species’ existence, two guys found that inseminating each other was a lot of fun, too.

As a sexually active bisexual man, I have inseminated… and I’ve been inseminated. Whew! Understanding some… weird stuff about it like how… upset one can get when they’re expected to be inseminated and it doesn’t happen for some reason or the other. Or why I’ve heard women say that being screwed with a condom doesn’t feel the same when the guy’s body does the insemination thing – and a sentiment that I found myself agreeing with given how totally pissed off or otherwise discomfited when I didn’t get inseminated and as I wanted and expected to be.

And understanding that women aren’t the only ones who like feeling a nut being busted inside of them. And it feels just as good in the moment of inseminating a guy as it can and does inseminating a woman, you know, if she allows it. Guys doing this to each other is, by definition, a very gay thing to do but it got a bit confusing for me early on because… I wasn’t gay so how is this gay when I’m not gay? Yeah, I’d get around to understanding the… distinction but it remained true that I loved being inseminated but I’m also not gay and even in those early days of my evolution and development as a male bisexual, I knew there was more to it than it being a gay thing.

It just took me a while and learning the word inseminate to really understand the sheer and very natural thing that was really going on and while morality and other social norms forbid men from inseminating each other, that never meant that it wasn’t good to be on either end of the insemination process.

Sigh. I had learned a new word that day and learned a lot of other stuff about sex, men and women and, importantly, myself. Sex without insemination was, well, kinda blah; not all that bad but, bleh, could’ve been better but, sex with insemination? Ahh! So much better if not having the potential of being… messy. And getting an idea of why some guys were seriously afraid of being inseminated and that was because of the permanent association with this being a gay thing to do.

Man, I would get some looks on my face hearing a guy say that he’d suck my dick or I could fuck him… but don’t cum in either place. Yeah, sometimes when it was a blow job, it was about the other guy not acquiring the taste but I would learn that it wasn’t just that – it was the gay implications behind taking another man’s cum in mouth or ass and, yeah, how… “girly” it felt because of the permanent association that says only women are to be inseminated which, of course, had begged the question in my mind of how I could feel so girly in that moment when I’m not a girl but, yeah, if you understand what we’re told about the way sex is supposed to be, it’s kinda not rocket science if you also understand how we associate things in our minds and then the shock and awe to find out that guys can be inseminated… and like the shit out of it, too… and, technically, they’re not homosexual… but the sex is.

Hmm. I think that I either had the good or “bad” fortune of having learned this word and probably way before I would wind up learning it by some means. This is one of those “the jury remains out” kind of thoughts because it doesn’t change what actually happened… and I never found out how she learned the word, by the way and it wasn’t for a lack of me asking her about it. She’d just smile and laugh and ask me which thing I would rather do: Talk about insemination… or inseminating her and, well, you can guess what thing I chose but thanks to her, the word was etched into my mind I got my mind opened even more to some stuff like, yeah – guys inseminate each other. Duh. And that it’s just human nature at work but also that our social norms and contracts are pretty specific about who’s supposed to get inseminated and, um, it’s not us guys so much.

The best part of having sex with a guy? When he cums. That’s something a lot of us bi guys agree on as well as whatever was going on to get him – or ourselves – to that literally seminal moment. Understanding that we can simulate the act of insemination – and they call that masturbation. Hmm. I had felt… messed up because it wasn’t like I didn’t know about this; I just hadn’t known there was a word for it and, well, the asshole I had learned that had taken up residency inside my head took this word and ran “buck wild” with it and made some shit very, very clear to me.

It was… disturbing. Sometimes nasty in both good and bad ways or, um, why does it feel so good? Because it’s supposed to and you don’t have to inseminate a female to understand this and it’s one of things that if you’re a guy and you enjoy being inseminated, you have learned some stuff that women know about why it feels so good to have a guy cum inside of them as well as them having reason to not want to be inseminated.

We sometimes talk about this on the forum and, again, we agree that feeling a guy’s cock pumping away in our mouth or ass is… all that and then some. We agree that it’s upsetting to not get a guy’s cum and to the point where we get it into our heads that we’re at fault that he didn’t… inseminate us where we wanted him to. The embarrassment behind not being able to do it is… awful because, yeah, we had one job and we failed to do it. Me having a good laugh or two because I understand that not all sex results in insemination and, yep, I’m talking about females having sex and, yeah, I hear that someone invented a dildo that can simulated insemination, from the pulsations to some kind of fluid being expressed; as I seem to recall, there are a couple of guys on the forum who has one of these puppies.

Understanding what’s… going on when a woman cums while I’m eating her and I can feel her clit pulsing in my mouth and just like my dick does when I cum. Yeah, she’s not gonna inseminate me but my discovering this was also very damned eye-opening and, hmm, it really isn’t that much of a coincidence that a woman’s clit looks like our dick – just smaller. Mother Nature is something else, ain’t she?

While bisexuality – and like any of the other sexualities – isn’t just or all about the sex, isn’t it fun to go about the business of inseminating someone and being inseminated? Yeah, yeah, it’s in our nature to be messy about it but when everything has been agreed to, it’s insemination time! Or those moments when you’d rather not be bothered with someone else’s hot and sweaty body all over you and you have… ways to simulate inseminating someone or feeling your body going through the motions because masturbation is fun and also very normal and no matter all that crazy shit you might hear about it being unnatural and believing that it’s a sin (and it never was, by the way).

Being inseminated by a guy. That’s some heady shit and, okay, let’s say the pun is intended this time, shall we? Just as heady to be the one doing the inseminating and understanding the pure human nature of doing it but also being aware of how… nasty – and not in the good way – it can feel because it’s been implanted into our minds that we – men – are not ever supposed to be involved in this very natural thing with each other. Asking myself time and time again – and sometimes after me and some guy inseminated the daylights out of each other – which thing is right? The sin of it or that it’s just what we were designed to do and enjoy because, well, humans are animals – we’re just different from, say, that cow that has to be artificially inseminated but we know that human females sometimes have to be inseminated this way when they want children but, hmm, not counting this, it sure is fun having sex and some insemination is happening.

Or being a bi guy and into the sex and you’re the one being inseminated or, for some reason, eh, ya don’t want anything to do with it and on either side of the deal. I understand the porn “money shot” thing but I also know that some guys are just afraid of this part of the sexual act and it’s not “all because” of the disease card that, these days, some guys love to slam down on the table as the reason why they won’t inseminate a guy or be inseminated in turn.

Because it is defined as a homosexual thing to be doing and homosexual is bad. If I had never heard a guy say to not cum in them because they feared becoming gay and someone had told me this, I would have had a hard time believing them but, then again, I had the… advantage of learning all of this before a lot of guys did and, as such, I knew that as far as they were concerned, giving or getting cum made one gay and gay was to be avoided at all costs or else. I sit and read on the forum where guys talk about how much they love getting a facial or how they enjoy being fucked and the guy pulls out and shoots all over them and I don’t really doubt what they say in these things… but is there another reason why they won’t take a man’s cum orally or anally and the dreaded disease card has nothing to do with it?

It’s not always about not acquiring the taste. It’s not about how much it can hurt to have a hard dick easing its way down that one-way street. It can be, I tend to believe, some internal and socially created dissonance that has a lot to do with our morality and the ever-present taboo and, yeah, maybe, some kind of… belief that if you don’t get inseminated, it’s not… gay and if it’s not gay, no “sinning” has been done. I get that and accept it as one of the many truths involved because, again, I have had too many guys tell me how they feel about getting creamed and how scary a proposition it is for them and even, yeah, that’s a girl-thing and it’s “their job” to be the recipient of our semen.

This is the part where I ask any or all females who just read this to put away the sharp and pointy objects because I’m just the messenger and since I’ve been inseminated, um, quite a few times, I know that it’s not your “job” and like social norms insists it is. I can admit that in some of the times I’ve been going about and being inseminated, I’ve felt “girly,” but I know why I do, and it has nothing to do with being a girl, but I have never, ever been inseminated and felt… gay.

Never. I don’t think there’s a bi guy who hasn’t wondered if they’re really gay because, um, getting and giving some dick with insemination feels fucking amazing, um, once you get used to it. But there is also not a lot of guys who have wondered if they’re gay while also knowing that they aren’t since they love the shit out of women. Giving a guy your cum and getting some cum from a guy doesn’t make one “gay by injection” to put it in this kinda crude way.

But some guys avoid insemination because, well, they believe it’ll make them gay. It’s not exactly the sex that bothers some guys – it’s the insemination and what it means and implies that I’ve learned can really fuck with a guy’s head and in some very unsettling ways. Like, when a newbie has sucked me off and gotten a mouthful of my cum – and they say that it wasn’t as bad as they thought it would be – I would learn from then that they weren’t talking about the taste of my spunk; what they’re really saying that it ain’t bad being inseminated this way. Taking my cum into their body. Or they’ve inseminated me and, how about that? It wasn’t that bad and… it didn’t make them gay at all.

Well, I told you that it wouldn’t – and only if it was me telling you that it didn’t make me gay, but you had to find out for yourself and wasn’t it fun finding out? Now, is this… a lot of overthinking?

I don’t believe it is and more so when there are so many people who don’t know “all of the details” about why men are bisexual or, as we often get asked, what do we get out of sucking a guy off or being fucked in the ass when the answer is obvious but not really: What we get is… inseminated. Orally. Anally. Other good feelings involved but the preferred end result is being inseminated and it feels good to be inseminated… because it’s supposed to feel good but, yeah, sometimes, getting to that moment might not be a whole lot of fun and even as evidenced by the many times I’ve found myself wishing, hoping, and praying that he hurry up and cum – and second-guessing myself about being in this position to begin with – but when he cums?

Ahh… It makes everything… complete. I could even “forgive” the guy making me feel some kind of way while waiting for him to cum because he did and… ahh. Yassss! Give me all of it and, yeah, I’ve felt myself feeling some kind of way once he’s done giving me whatever he had to give. I’ve heard so many guys say pretty much the same thing.

Many years later, I would run into my former fuck buddy. I was downtown and I had my daughter with me in her stroller and she was having a baby moment and then said, “I see you’ve been doing your job!” For a moment, I didn’t know what she was talking about, but that early memory returned and all I could do was laugh and say that, yeah, this is the second time I’d done my job in this miraculous way and she allowed that she had been… miraculous three times. I did remember to ask her how she learned that word that caused me some interesting confusion and just as she had when we were younger, she just smiled, laughed and said, “See you around – and keep doing your job!”

I had wanted to tell her how much I also enjoyed guys, um, doing their job but I didn’t get the chance to and that was okay. But as I went on about my business, I was thinking that inseminating – and being inseminated were both good things but things that not every guy can find enjoyable since, forever and ever, we are never to do this to each other.

Yet, we have been all along and you don’t have to be a gay man to enjoy any of it.