Cityman hit me up just a few minutes ago and shared a profile he came across that, when read, oh, dear, was so exacting and precise about what the author wanted that my eyes rolled so hard they hurt for a moment. I read the profile, read what Cityman had to say about it, and my first response was, “I want what I want and the way I want it!” Indeed, one of the things I often sit and think about these days is how complicated people make things compared to the relative ease of days gone by when it came to getting laid or, if settling down with someone was more your cup of tea and a primary goal in your life, having a relationship that not only included sex but could lead to something more lasting.
In my opinion, people today seem to be more worried about what they want than what they’re able to work with and if you’re into checking out the various sites that exist for the purposes of sex and relationships, you can see a gazillion examples of what I’m talking about. Now, I don’t say that a person doesn’t have a right to want what they want and the way they want it… I do, however, say that there’s a good chance that if you’re putting yourself out there to get what you want and the way you want it, ya might not get it because the person you’re saying that would be “perfect” for you probably doesn’t exist.
Except in that space between one’s ears. In the bi guy world, I see on a daily basis guys writing about the perfect dude they want to get busy with… and they’re also the guys who also write about not being able to find someone to get busy with and in the way they want to do this. Cityman occasionally shows me other profiles written by both men and women with requirements that set the bar so high that it’s no wonder they’re still on the various sites looking for someone because there’s not a person on the planet that can meet and/or exceed the profile author’s demands and requirements… or that person hasn’t been born yet… or the chances that such an amazing person is a member of one of the many sites and will actually see such a profile are fairly astronomical.
And these folks who write such profiles sit around and wonder why they can’t find someone and for whatever purpose they’re asking for? I’m not surprised because while “I want what I want and the way I want it” is a fine statement of personal purpose, because such a statement lacks flexibility and doesn’t take into account that people change, not just over a given period of time but literally from one moment to the next… and then I guess they expect that person to always be what they wanted, you know, as if people are truly static. It’s unrealistic and while it is true that there’s someone out there for everyone, when you write down a lot of very exacting criteria, you’re gonna eliminate a whole lot of people who could, if you were willing to work at it, give you what you want and the way you want it.
Again, it’s okay to think about that one person you’d give yourself to mind, body, and/or soul; what would they look like, what qualities would they have that would make you all warm and fuzzy as well as willing and able to get your freak on comfortably. Is it okay to take that imaginary person and try to breathe life into them? Maybe… if you actually manage to run across that person but given that it’s unlikely that’s gonna happen, doesn’t it make sense to create a set of flexible criteria that sets the bar at a reasonable level so that someone can, at the least, get close to meeting them?
You’d think that would make better sense but these days you see more and more people putting up some pretty exacting specifications and conditions and in the world of bi guys, I often wonder if they do this in order not to do what they say they want to do. A lot of guys want a guy whose prime feature is a really big dick and lord knows there are a whole lot of guys with dicks literally down to their knees… and if you asked them if a guy who’s cock is around average size would work for them, eh, they might say yes… but you can see in their words that an average sized cock doesn’t match the specifications they’ve set in their head. Many of these same guys are adamant about a certain level of “being into” as well so that they can avoid the dreaded hookup when (I guess) the truth they don’t wanna face is that the majority of men looking to throw it down aren’t in the least bit interested in being into a guy, um, except literally be into them if you catch my drift.
Instant gratification, while sounding like a good thing to pursue, doesn’t always work the way it’s thought to work… or expected to work. I will keep saying this for as long as I can draw breath – or work the keyboard – that if you’re not thinking about the person you can work with to take care of your wants and desires, you’re gonna find yourself all by yourself and not getting what you want. I know that as a bisexual man, the “perfect” man I can create in my head, in all likelihood, doesn’t exist and, realistically, it’s not as if I’m going to take the time and put forth the effort to search the entire fucking world looking for this most perfect guy; sure, the Internet has made the world a smaller place by connecting everyone electronically…. but the world is still a pretty big fucking place. Now, if I had chosen to hold out for that “perfect” person, um, chances are damned good that I would have never gotten laid, would have never been in a relationship of any kind… and the people who hold true to instant gratification are finding out that this is the fate they’ve set for themselves and I will always wonder why people set themselves up to fail and, importantly, why they feel that depriving themselves of human interaction is a smart – and healthy – thing to do.
The thing that makes instant gratification utterly fail is, again, not taking into consideration that no one is perfect or even close to being perfect; even better, we’re not as consistent as we think we want and/or need to be. Our thoughts and feelings change and in slices of time that, often, we aren’t always aware of and our day to day stuff can affect or otherwise alter our thoughts and feelings. Now, if you’re aware of how all of this can affect you, I’m sure you can imagine how these same things can affect someone else and, if so, does it really make sense to go on the hunt for someone and lay down a set of criteria that probably cannot be met? Or a person could meet those criteria at a particular moment in time… then fail to meet them – and literally – seconds later and if not them, over any period of time you care to think of. The guy today who says that his ideal guy has to have eight or more inches of dick, be into him and willing to, at the least, be a FWB might find out the next day that instant gratification has failed them (again) because Mr. Perfect, you know, being human and all that, has failed to meet those expectations.
And I just don’t pretend to understand why people behave like this when it doesn’t make sense to pin all your hopes and dreams on a human being that may or may not exist or you’ll never come in contact with in your lifetime. “I want what I want and the way I want it,” to me, is a sure way to set yourself up to fail or, as I often suspect again, to make sure that whatever it is you want someone else for – sex and/or a relationship of some kind – ain’t ever gonna happen. I see so many examples of people talking about what they want in another person… and not so much about what person they can work with. Indeed, women talk a lot about settling and as if that’s such a horrible thing to do… but they also find out that holding out for the guy or even gal they want to be with causes them to overlook everyone they could be with, you know, if they were willing to put in the work that’s required and that, my friends, seems to be the gist of this whole instant gratification thing: People want all of the perks but don’t want to do any of the real work required.
I went back and re-read the profile that Cityman shared with me and I thought, “Hmph – this person is going to be one really lonely ass…” because anyone reading it would, in all likelihood, tell that person to get over themselves for having the utter gall to lay down what reads as some pretty arrogant requirements that someone has to meet to get with them in any imaginable way. And I will say to anyone reading this that if you’re sitting and wondering why you’re alone or not having the sex you want, or ya don’t have someone who’s gonna be in your life longer than a couple of weeks, you might want to take a close look at how high you’ve set the bar and the complexity of the conditions you’ve set for acquiring love, sex, and relationships. I say to you that, sure, you have the right to want what you want and the way you want it… but I ask you is it realistic and achievable? Are you, in fact, doing the best thing for yourself by invoking instant gratification and sticking to your right to want what you want and in the way you want it?
This isn’t just a bisexual thing – people, regardless of sexual orientation, seem to behave like this and, indeed, a lot of people find themselves unsexed and lonely because they don’t meet someone else’s very exacting requirements and no one would ever give them a shot because it’s all about what they want… and not even close to what they’re willing and able to work with.