A Major Point of Failure

Multiple partner relationships get set up for a lot of good reasons and let’s face it – one of those reasons has everything to do with sex which, for the most part, is a no-brainer… but it’s also, as the title says, a major point of failure when it comes to multiple partner relationships.

If you think you know how to have sex, you get into this and you just might learn that you don’t know as much about it as you think you do which – and I’ll always keep saying this – is why when you decide to go in this direction, you pretty much have to learn how to have sex again and much of the reeducation is dependent upon how your relationship is structured as far as the participants in this.

It’s not so much of a “group sex” kind of thing although, um, yeah, ah, when you get all of the members of the family together for some sexy fun, wow. Just wow. This kind of sex isn’t as easy as it sounds and even when the sex is one-on-one, which you’d think would be another no-brainer, eh, I’m about to tell you why it might not be so make yourself comfortable because this is gonna take a while.

“Sharon” and “Mike” have not only decided to open their marriage, they’ve decided that being more polyamorous in their endeavors is really what makes the most sense up to an including having everyone involved living under the same roof (if and when possible) and, indeed, there are a lot of advantages to this arrangement that have nothing to do with having sex.

Now, our hypothetical couple is used to having sex with each other and if they’ve been “out on their own” and having sex, okay – it’s probably one of the reasons why the relationship got opened in the first place. Maybe our couple has decided that the two of them “sharing” a girlfriend or boyfriend – or one of each – is a good idea and, importantly, they both believe that they can easily handle this because, after all, they’ve been out on their own and having fun sex with other people.

So all of the new “family” members are in place, things are settling in and, yup, sex is happening between one and all, and in all possible combinations… and that’s where the problems can crop up because the real danger here isn’t actually having sex in some way – it’s how others are gonna feel about the sex that is taking place and, in particular, that moment when someone starts to think that they’re not getting the sexual attention that they need – someone is getting more than their “fair share” of those moments.

One of the things that causes this problem is that a couple, when planning this out, doesn’t think about how new it’s gonna be to have sex like this and more so when a new partner (or partners) are all under one roof. Our couple, again, is used to having sex with each other, they understand that under this new arrangement, things are gonna be different and, I think that innately they understand that with the new folks, there’s gonna be a learning curve… but not think about how that learning curve can lead to the utter destruction of the arrangement and that someone is almost always winding up getting more attention than someone else because, um, we don’t really stop to think about how our new partners think and feel about sex (other than, fuck, yeah, we wanna do all of that) and what their needs really are.

And this kinda thing should be expected and with the understanding that in such an arrangement, everyone is going to behave differently and the appearance of a situation where some favoritism is perceived is going to happen and the mistake is assuming that it shouldn’t happen or doing things to prevent it from happening.

It can leave someone feeling out in the cold, neglected and other such connotations and once someone starts feeling like this, you’re pretty much doomed unless you use the other skills needed for this – time management, conflict and problem resolution, and exceptional communication skills – things are gonna go south fairly quickly. Some couples go about this by placing sexual priority on the core relationship and with the needs of the others as a “secondary” concern of sorts and thinking about “us” in the wrong way because “us” isn’t just the two of you – “us” are the two of you and whoever else has joined you in this. Yeah, the core relationship is still in place and that is your husband or wife after all and the new folks “need to respect this” and not let their excitement about all of this get the better of them and start “demanding” more time with either member of the core relationship than is allowed.

And that’s pretty much the wrong way to go about this. You cannot approach the sex in such a relationship as a one size fits all kind of thing, shouldn’t invoke “priority sexing,” for lack of a better term. Yeah, there’s a time and place for everything but if you’ve got a somewhat shitty attitude about sex – and you’re thinking more about what you want and when you want it – yeah, things are gonna get messy and in a hurry.

You cannot be jealous or possessive in this and, really, if you have any reason to think that you’re not getting your fair share of the sexual action, remaining silent about it is really gonna fuck shit up because while everyone else is enjoying this new way to have sex, no one is going to be aware that there’s a problem – or a potential problem – if you don’t say anything and you choose to just sit back in the cut and have a private hissy fit about it and one that’s going to very negatively affect the smooth execution of the relationship as a whole.

Oh, yeah… if you’ve never seen someone else making love to your partner, wow, get ready for a shock and, to be honest, you can run this through your head a million times and convince yourself that you’ll be okay… until the first time you see it and, you bet your ass, this is gonna be the first real test other than merely knowing that someone else is doing them.

Are there any rules for this? Some kind of pecking order that must be established? The thing that fucks up this part of the multiple partner relationship is that, usually, this is exactly what happens… and it shouldn’t. Dependent upon sexual orientation, everyone is pretty much fair game for everyone else in the relationship and it’s at this point where I’m gonna point out that if everyone in the partnership happens to be straight, um, don’t expect that to stay that way and it’s because more bisexual-like behavior can appear literally out of nowhere and that no one expects it to happen can really throw a major wrench into the works.

“Mike” comes home from work or wherever he’s been and finds “Sharon” in the middle of getting done by another member (or members) of the partnership; how should Mike react when seeing that there’s some heavy duty sex taking place and without him? How do you think he’s gonna feel about this and, importantly, how do you think he should feel about it?

Or “Sharon” is feeling somewhat miffed because “every time she turns around,” Mike is dick deep in a female partner and not during a time where such activities have been “scheduled” – and, yeah, I know about couples with live-in partners who actually have a calendar to schedule who gets to have sex with whom. Should our girl Sharon be totally pissed off about this and to the point that if she gets invited to join the party, well, she should just decline and pitch a bitch about this breech of conduct immediately or just leave and sulk?

Do you think Sharon would be right in her assumption that Mike prefers to have sex with their girlfriend more than he prefers to have sex with Sharon?

And I’m here to tell you that if anyone in the partnership gets to thinking like this, this is not a good thing and the perfect example of why a couple wanting to do this has to – absolutely has to – purge themselves of having such thoughts and emotions because now it’s not just about “us” – it’s about all of us.

Trying to regiment everyone’s sexual behavior ain’t gonna work and neither is trying to limit how, when, etc., sex can happen between the partners isn’t going to work, either. To be frank about it, if you’re not gonna be of a mind to get in there and revel in the hopefully open sexual situation between the partners, you’re pretty much defeating one of the main purposes relationships of this kind happen.

Let’s be for real about this, okay? Yes – couples (in particular) get into this kind of relationship to better take care of those needs that they can’t easily, readily, or even consistently provide and that includes sex… but you cannot and should not go into this using conventional thinking about sex or, gasp, going into this thinking that whatever sex is taking place is “just for your benefit” and going into this with a huge list of shit you ain’t gonna do. If you’re not gonna rearrange your thinking about sex and you’re not going to do your best to have a more… adventurous and open mind about sex – and more open than you thought just having an open relationship requires – well, you’re gonna be fucked… just not in a good way.

These relationships serve as a portal to experience sex in ways that, bluntly, can make other people soil themselves and the possibilities are only limited when the people involve impose limits or start finding reasons to feel some kind of way because things aren’t happening in they way they’re expecting it to. If anything, the thing you should expect is that you won’t really know what to expect but instead of having a lot of fear about it, be excited by it.

Yes, yes – everyone has sexual boundaries but for this aspect of the multiple partner relationship to work as well as it possibly can, ya need to rethink them or, again, unlearn every damned thing you’ve ever learned about having sex so you can learn a new way to have sex.

And you talk about it because, fuck, it makes no sense not to talk about it. You not only talk about any “issues” like feeling left out but you also have discussions about what we can do to make our sex lives even more exciting than they already are and, yeah, if some of that treads into the realm of bisexuality, by all means, don’t run away from it because it still remains true that if you all really do love each other, there shouldn’t be too many things you won’t do in order to make sure everyone is happy.

Which, uh, is why all of this probably got started to begin with. Not what “we” want to do – it’s what “we” can do, those things which are possible and things that “normal” folks would have strokes and heart attacks over because they are, bluntly, incapable of thinking way outside the box.

Good lord… I can tell you my own horror stories about this which, um, is how I am very much aware of how this can really fuck shit up and what, ideally, should be done so that it doesn’t get fucked up.

If you’re seeing this post again, it’s because I had to edit a few things and there’s something else about this I wanna warn you about: If someone in the core relationship seems to be having way too much fun, do not get bent out of shape about it because, um, the whole idea is to have more fun than you’ve been having. If you’re not going to dive right in and immerse yourself in the sexual activities and with the clear purpose to enjoy this new way to have sex, well, what are you doing this for?

This level of intimacy is supposed to be enjoyed to the max and holding back, well, lemme ask you: Does it make sense to hold back? And the other thing I forgot to mention is that fear some have about falling in love with one of the other partners in this.

It happens and, I think, it should happen. I’ve been talking about the sex but relationships like this are also about loving and being loved because love is the thing that binds us in this and, indeed, it’s because of love that we’re breaking a whole lot of rules in the first place.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Men: Still Funny but Not Humorous

I find my mind returning to this notion and mostly because I find it so utterly fascinating, not so much in how some guys are behaving but what their behavior seems to be indicating in the grand scheme of things sexual. My initial thoughts were that people seem to think that bisexuality is radically different from the way people “normally” behave when, in fact, it isn’t – the only difference is the direction – or directions – one’s lust and/or romantic interests is pointed and bisexuality, speaking generally, is that middle of the road thing that’s between being totally straight and totally gay.

Was on the forum a few minutes ago and looking at some new responses to older threads like the one about having sex with someone you don’t know all that well and the fact that there were guys who were all for it – and preferred it – and guys who weren’t so much for it really stood out to me and gave more weight to my own thoughts about what being bisexual can be about other than bumping uglies in the same-sex mode.

I’ve been saying that in this, men are funnier about it than women can be, not because I find male behaviors in this to be funny in the humorous sense (although some of it is hilarious) but, without insulting anyone, some bisexual men aren’t really all that different from women when it comes to who they want to get involved with and what that involvement should look like. Let me see if I can put this into a context that’s understandable…

There are men and women who just wanna have sex and scratch that itch because, um, it needs to be scratched and it’s fun to have it scratched and if there’s no other or deeper interests in the works, that’s fine but this mindset is also one that has historically given men a very bad reputation because, generally, we’d rather hit it and get in the wind rather than to hit it and hang around… unless the sex is all that and a bag of chips. Men get called dogs, women are labeled as sluts and all because they prefer to answer this call of nature, nothing more, nothing less.

Then you have those men and women who have, for all intents and purposes, bought into the reason for having sex and a reason that has nothing to do with the biological imperative to have sex, namely, love and affection must be involved before giving up da booty. It goes back to the thing I heard and was told growing up, that being, you never have sex with anyone you don’t have feelings for and doing it just for the sake of doing it – and because it can be done – well, don’t even go there.

In either case or scenario, men behave one way, women behave in other ways and depending on why they wanna get laid; this doesn’t mean that there’s no… selectivity going on, though. In one camp, the person who gets to hit it just has to seem to be competent enough to get the job done satisfactorily or, sometimes, just simply be in the right place at the right time while in the other camp, the person who gets to hit it has to, in some way, prove themselves worthy to have access to our body in this way.

Are you with me so far?

So, on the one hand, NSA sex is preferred by some, while relationship sex – or, let’s just call it “strings attached” or SA sex – is mandatory and preferred by others. Historically, men are more NSA, women more SA and there’s a shitload of reasons for this that, for this scribble, I’m not gonna get into because this is gonna be confusing enough as it is.

Totally straight and totally gay folks actually share a behavior – it’s either NSA or SA sex and, again, the only difference is the sex of the other person, that and homosexual sex has always been seen as amoral; still, not really the point here. Bisexuals – those poor, confused folks – straddle the line between being straight and gay but, believe it or not, still share the same behavior as straight and gay folks do: Sex is either gonna be NSA or SA despite bisexuals having… options in this.

We presume and assume that female bisexuals behave differently than their male counterparts but I think we don’t pay much attention to how women are bisexual because not only do the ladies get a pass in this, it’s just too much fun to vilify guys for liking dick. Still, some bi ladies – and the ones who will talk about it – often highlight the emotional content that another woman can provide as opposed to us poor and emotionally bankrupt men but, okay, this goes hand in hand in what we normally think about women and sex.

We also presume and assume that any man who likes dick – but requires that emotional reason connection must be gay because, you know, that’s how gay men behave… except gay men can be just as NSA or SA about doing the deed as anyone else can be – it’s just that, as always, the perception doesn’t speak to the truth of things.

And that truth is that regardless to whether or not someone is NSA or SA about getting their sexual jollies, um, we all kinda/sorta behave the same way about it and, again, it’s about who we choose to slake our lust or fire up our hearts with. We get to this: We know that women are funny about who they sleep with, that they’re more SA than NSA and, well, if they don’t know jack shit about you, chances are you’re not gonna get into their panties until and/or unless you get to prove to them that you are worthy of this honor.

Bisexual men, infamously known for pouncing on anyone who gets lined up in their sexual sights, are becoming more SA than NSA in their quest for both sex and emotional succor… but, despite that perception I mentioned, these guys are still bisexual and not really homosexual in that “totally gay” sense we think is always in play.

Are you still with me? I hope so.

When I was growing up – and you had to know we were gonna have yet another “back in the day” moment – boys did the nasty with other boys because of raging hormones, female reluctance to drop their panties and, yeah, just because it could be done and because of the admonishments for us not to do these things. If you liked the guy you were doing it with, okay, that works – makes it easier than having to make a snap decision about the guy who wants to do it to you (and you want to get done) that you don’t know a whole lot about or even like in whatever way that means to someone.

Simply, if you wanted to do it and he wanted to do it and there was no chance or risk of getting busted doing it, okay – let’s do it and, again, if those three things I just mentioned were in play and you happened to like the guy, so much the better since you’re friends of a kind and in some way. Now, underlying all of this hedonistic behavior is attraction which everyone is subject to in some way but men, in particular and in this period of time, weren’t so much of a mind to really put much weight into; we could admit that, well, simply, you look like someone I’d want to do it to so, um, hey, do you wanna do it? But, for the most part, guys did it to guys because, well, you’re here, I’m here so why not just do it?

And if we liked doing it to each other, we can do it again if that’s okay with you.

And it was pretty much like this for a long time but guys who needed that emotional connection, eh, you didn’t hear much from them… which isn’t the case today. It doesn’t mean that those guys who held true to the mandate of “no sex without romance first” didn’t exist because they did – you just rarely ran into these guys and if you did, many were afraid to admit that they liked you for more than having sex with you because, then and now, such a declaration was just “too gay” and even gay men didn’t want to be known as being gay since, at the time, it could prove to be hazardous to one’s health.

I go through a lot of reading about bisexuality and in men particularly and I’ve been seeing, over a period of time, where more bi guys are behaving more along the lines that women have historically behaved and in that SA sex is preferred over NSA sex and some emotional investment is just mandatory because without that investment, the sex doesn’t mean anything and is cheap and tawdry.

And I don’t think this is some weird coincidence and it seems to me that going about being bisexual has been going in this direction all along but more modern thinking about sex and the reasons for having sex are, let’s say, opening up and, it seems, normalizing the whole thing and erasing that perceived difference that says that it’s all quite different when it comes to motive or reasons.

Whew. Man, I hope all of this made sense and I’ll say that you really wouldn’t have wanted to be able to read my mind as I was trying to write this – ya might have needed some motion sickness medication.

Men are being just as funny about who they get naked with as women have historically been. Yep, there are still guys who wanna bone women… because they’re women and guys who wanna do the same with guys… because, um, guys can do it to other guys and quite similar to how they’d go about doing it to a woman. Once upon a time (yeah, here we go again with this), it was “determined” that men are easier to have sex with than women and because men were and are able to cut right to the chase about why they wanted to do it to you while women would (and still will) make you jump through quite a few hoops… and even if you successfully navigated the hoops, ya still might not get to do her.

There are a lot of bisexual men who are of the same mind or, realistically, there have always been guys who feel the same way about this as women do but are now making their presence known. You wanna to get with me? Prove that you’re worthy of it and I don’t mean crowing about how big your dick is or how long you can go before busting a nut but more along the lines of proving that you can be into me because I need you to be into me because just having sex for the sake of doing it makes me feel cheap, dirty, used, and unnecessarily slutty – and I don’t wanna feel like this at all.

And the other side of the coin – the NSA side – is still there but it seems like this is becoming more of a minority situation than it used to be; don’t get me wrong here – there are still plenty of guys out there who aren’t interested in being all romantic with some guy they wanna get with – they’re just “emotionally disconnected” while there are plenty of guys who want that NSA deal because they think that by invoking NSA, there’s no chance of them getting bit by the romance bug and can avoid anything that looks like romance or, gasp, a “serious” relationship.

You might have managed to read through all of this and could be saying to yourself, “So what? Doesn’t mean shit to me because I’d never some shit like that.” I actually wouldn’t blame you for thinking like this but it is significant in that a lot of people turn their noses up at bisexuality because it’s perceived as being different than “normal” sexual behavior.

I’m just the guy who’s telling you that it’s not as different as you think it is because while it’s about the sex, it’s not always just about the sex and the decisions that are being made in this regard don’t really differ as much as they’re perceived to be. It’s not really about what’s being done but why it’s being done.

Men are going about dating each other and in pretty much the same way we’d go about dating women up to and including invoking “no sex on the first date” as well as requiring multiple dates before any sex happens and invoking “I need to get to know you better” as well as being able to decide if there’s going to be some “being into” involved. Maybe not in the traditional relationship sense but as a means to also invoke exclusivity and as much as possible because even in this, we can’t really escape being monogamous about such things, can we?

We’re generally of a mind that bisexuality is abnormal behavior and as if it’s even more abnormal than homosexuality is. I’m just telling you that it isn’t as abnormal as you might think because many of the same requirements that have always been mandatory still exist. NSA sex, while doable, is deferred in favor of SA sex – it’s just a matter of how many strings are involved. It’s not enough that you wanna do it to me – you also have to like me for more than merely being a sexual object because I am, indeed, much more than that.

Sure… “I” want and need you to do it to me – “I” need you to do it to me otherwise it’s gonna make me pretty damned crazy if you don’t – but if we’re not going to be into each other beyond that, you’ve got the wrong guy.

And if this sounds familiar to anyone and regardless to your sexuality, it should sound familiar… because it’s they way we’ve always tended to behave, isn’t it? People are of a mind that having sex in the same-sex mode is difficult and it really isn’t; what is difficult is the justification for doing it like this in the first place and outside of the fact that it can be done.

It just shouldn’t be done without a good reason. Attraction – and whatever that means to an individual – is still a key factor but it’s not enough just to be sexually attracted to anyone; a reason, some kind of justification is still quite mandatory and, again and again, beyond and more than “we can do this because it can be done.”

It’s never about what we can do – it’s about why we wanna do it and, importantly, how we go about doing it and I’m still just saying that the way we go about doing it isn’t as different as you might think it is. From my perspective, you know, having been exposed to all of this for as long as I have been – it represents a major shift in the dynamic and, I think, an important one that should be paid closer attention to. True enough, not everyone can (or wants to) be bisexual and I’m thinking that the sex itself isn’t so much of the reason why as it is someone lacking the level of justification required and necessary for doing it like that – you still need a justifiable reason to buck the system in this way. Sure, there’s that whole moral thing to be considered and not to ever be ignored… but it begs the question that if you could have sex and the current “relationship sex only” mandate can be satisfied to some degree or another, could it conceivably make a difference in how a person thinks about this?

Maybe… and maybe not. Still just the guy who’s pointing out to you that things are moving in this direction and becoming more… homogeneous with the way we normally and traditionally go about being intimate with other people. The lines are becoming quite blurry, it seems. Less NSA sex, more SA sex and, um, if it happens that we both have cocks, well, okay – we’re just not doing it to each other because it can be done because with SA invoked, any sex we have has meaning and continues to defy the fact we don’t wanna pay much attention to, that being, we can have sex just because we need to have sex.

Man… the shit that often goes through my mind at times…

PS: I forgot to mention something and just as I was clicking Publish and about to close my browser. There’s another reason – and a justifiable one – for people to explore bisexuality: They’ve tried everything else and it’s just not working for them so why not do something different?

Just wanted to toss that one in before I really did forget it…

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: That Moment of Perfect Clarity or “What Did I Just Do?”

If you’ve gotten your head around the fact that you like both men and women and you’ve managed to sort out what sexy thing you want to experience and have decided to take the plunge, there’s a couple of things the inexperienced bisexual has to consider that are important and both will have – can have – a major impact.

The first is getting up the courage to actually do whatever you were thinking about doing.  It irks the shit out of me to read stuff the biphobic bunch likes to write and implying that bisexuals – and men, in particular – just run around having sex with anyone over ambient temperature and without giving any thought to what they’re doing when the truth is that there’s a lot of thinking going on – ya just don’t get to hear about what’s being thought all that much.

A guy who is ready to strip down and dive in will, if he’s done his due diligence, get all the information he can acquire and from the many sources like porn and, if he’s lucky, anyone he can find and talk to about things M2M.  It is said that if you can see yourself doing a thing, you can do it and a lot of guys do have very active imaginations although, in my observations, even the guys who aren’t so imaginative can discover that they can do that which they can’t envision themselves doing.

And that’s all well and good… but you still have to do it.  Guys who have a hankering to suck cock just might find inanimate objects to practice on; guys who are eager to find out what it’s like to have something long and hard in their ass will also employ said objects.  And, again, that’s all well and good… but none of those things really prepare you for being in that moment where you’ve agreed to do something – like sucking a dick – and now there’s a dick just waiting for you to give it some attention.

I call it “the moment of truth” and I can’t think of a better way to put this.  You’ve [perhaps] studied sucking a dick, just might have gone through a bunch of bananas as a rather tasty dry run (unless you don’t like bananas), and perhaps even watched some porn just to see dicks being sucked – straight or gay porn, doesn’t matter.  So you know what to do right up to the moment when there’s a, say, seven-inch cock in your face and the guy attached to it is eagerly waiting for you to open your mouth and get started.

And some guys just freeze up in this moment; hell, some guys can’t even bring themselves to touch the other guy’s cock and I’d have to say that this particular moment of clarity can be quite traumatic and embarrassing to discover that, um, fuck – ya can’t do it.  I also cannot begin to tell you what might be going through a frozen guy’s mind in this moment other than a great deal of fear and uncertainty and, once again, one gets to learn that thinking and doing really ain’t the same things.

For some, that frozen, paralyzing moment brings everything to a screeching halt and there’s just no going forward.  However, some guys are able to, ahem, thaw out and proceed; that’s the moment where I like to say that a guy, after running a lot of shit through their heads in what’s really an incredibly short period of time just says, “Fuck it…” and starts sucking on that dick.  He’ll say this (or something similar to it) because his brain is pretty much on overload at this point and thoughts/impressions are flashing through his mind so quickly he can’t keep up with them.  Everything gets jumbled up and, in a kind of paraphrasing way, his brain just says, “Just go ahead and do it already!”

And now it’s on.  It’s a little different (an understatement, trust me) when he’s the one watching another man lowering his head to his dick and it just feels so… weird and strange even though it’s not like he’s never seen anyone moving to suck his dick before… but because there’s a guy about to do this, it can be quite surreal.  Now, honestly, I’ve not seen or heard of too many guys in this moment call it off… but I do know what some guys have said once their dick starts to get sucked and it’s along the lines of, “I don’t believe there’s a guy sucking my dick!”

Some guys, in this moment, experience some… performance issues – they can’t get hard and no matter what the other guy is doing.  The reason?  Too much sensory input or, simply, being in that moment is just too much for their minds to handle and, usually, it’s that moment where the guy doing the sucking should tell the newbie, “Hey, just relax – breathe; it’ll be okay.”

Once he can relax, a guy will learn a few things as his dick gets worked on, namely, it’s not all that different from when a woman does it and it’s about that time when a guy might start asking himself, “What was I afraid of?”  He’s getting into it and, quite possibly, he’s into it enough to do some sucking himself; some call it being in the heat of the moment and this moment is really one of where a guy (in this case) just kinda stops thinking and goes with the flow of things.  If he goes after the other guy’s dick, he then learns that, hmm, sucking dick isn’t really as bad as he’s heard it is.

Having said that, it is true that some guys have another guy sucking on their cock for the first time and, um, they just lose it and way before they wanted to and, sure, it’s pretty horrifying and more embarrassing than anything I can imagine… but it’s normal, believe it or not and, again, sensory overload can be responsible for this, ah, early release.  Some manage not to lose it in those first thirty seconds or so – and, yes, it can happen that quickly and depending on how much they’ve been able to relax and all that, at some point, they’re gonna cum – but it’s true that some guys can’t and that’s because their brain has conspired against them and they’re overstimulated, making ejaculation damned near impossible as well as being able to maintain an erection so they can cum.

Yeah… sometimes we’re our own enemy.  Just how shit goes.

Now we get to that moment of clarity that arrives post-ejaculation – that “What the fuck did I just do?” moment that’s so guilt-laden that I’ve seen guys throw up and even break down and start crying.  To say that in this moment of perfect clarity that a guy is gonna feel bad does not even begin to describe how it really feels – it just doesn’t.  I happen to know the reason for this God-awful feeling has to do with what’s known as the refractory period of sex and, basically, that moment when all the chemical “fuel” that was driving one’s lust and desire, simply, runs out.  Here’s the thing about this that ya might find interesting.

Even when we have sex with women, we go through the refractory period and the easiest way I can explain this is that while you’re having sex, ya just don’t want to stop doing it to her and even thinking ahead a little about ravaging girlfriend again… until ya bust that nut… and now, the last thing you wanna do is have sex again and, yeah, you just might be feeling a little “guilty” to boot.  The thing is that we kinda/sorta get so used to this that even when we jerk off, we notice this absence of desire but, eh, don’t really pay that much attention to it…

But when a guy has made you bust that nut, oh, yeah, you sure as hell are paying attention to it now!  Every dire warning you’ve ever heard of is now racing through your brain and the guilt, oh, man, the guilt is overwhelming and guys have always attributed this guilty feeling with the social prohibition that men should not ever have sex with each other and now, oh, shit (yeah, another one of those moments for ya), what the fuck did I just do?

And how the fuck am I gonna deal with this?  I’ll try to tell you and make sense of it for you.  First, the refractory period is what it is and there’s nothing you can do about it; secondly, okay, you broke the rules… not like you’re the only one who broke the rules because there’s a guy nearby who is probably feeling the same thing but it’s not fucking with him like it’s now fucking with you.  Thirdly, take a very deep breath to calm yourself – you can do it – and instead of letting all those post-release emotions beat you down, focus on what’s really important in this, beginning with the fact that you just did something that confirmed a few things, namely, something you wanted to do and you were able to do it.

And highly important:  You had fun doing it.  You see, dear readers, the post-release feelings can be so overwhelming that a guy just forgets, albeit temporarily, that he did, in fact, have fun sucking and/or being sucked but because that sickening guilty feeling is so powerful, it’s all he can really think about.  What is just important is how the guy you just did this with handles this post-release moment, beginning with asking you if you’re okay even though you, as sure as shit is what it is, aren’t feeling okay.  Well, wait – you are but, eh, not so much.

For some guys, this moment of perfect clarity passes quickly or, the worst of the refractory period has passed and, for the record, it isn’t exactly the same every time – but it always happens.  The problem comes in when a guy’s brain settles down and starts to process all that has happened and if they’re having a really bad refractory period, it can go a long way to making a guy change his mind about doing it again.

Did you really do something wrong?  Truth is, no – not really and that’s despite what the social programming says.  Yes, I know it’s hard to understand how this makes sense but trust me – it does make sense once you’re able to really think about it.  But when you combine that nasty-assed refractory period with the social programming, it’s really gonna fuck with your head unless – and as I’ve been saying – you let your intellect handle the after-action reports.

Oh, I know what you’re thinking (I think):  What about the guy who has cheated on his wife to do this?  That makes him wrong, doesn’t it?  Yes, it does – different kind of wrongness and one that could have legal implications but while some guys will think that, holy fuck, I just cheated on my wife/girlfriend, that’s usually the second though after after the more glaring one:  I just had sex with a guy.

Fuck.

Some guys feel like a ton of shit after the fact; some guys are rather energized after the fact because their intellect kicked in quickly and informed them that, hey, this wasn’t as bad as they thought it would or as they’ve otherwise heard and, by the way, um, can we do this again if there’s time to do it?

It is incredibly difficult for some guys to accept that they’re feeling bisexual; it’s not all that easy to jump in there and do something because, once more, thinking and doing really aren’t the same things in every instance… and dealing with themselves after the fact can be unimaginably difficult and to the point where a guy will have this first experience… and never have another one.  Many guys will hold off having a second experience so they can process the first one and to the best of their ability but one of the reasons why guys have so many problems trying to process this is not having someone they can talk to about this and as I’ve mentioned, when I’ve given his guy his first experience, I feel I have a duty not to leave him floundering with all of this emotional shit because I know how badly this can affect someone and the first question I’ll ask in this moment – and after asking him if he’s okay – is, “Did you have fun?” and because it’s important – and I think it is – to get him thinking about anything other than making himself sick thinking that he just committed the crime of the century.

It’s believed that we – bisexuals – just do this and without any regard to the consequences of our actions and, well, I just beg to differ with you because in that moment of perfect clarity, you are good and damned well very much aware of the consequences because shit just got really real.  Some guys adjust well… and some never get their head around it and see what they did as the biggest mistake they could have ever made.

Which usually gets me asking them, “If it was such a horrible mistake, why did you go for it?  I mean, you had to know that a lot of people do, in fact, believe that doing it with another guy is about as wrong as anything gets, right?  Yet, here we are, sitting here and talking about it and after it’s all said and done, aren’t we?”  I will even point out that he could have called a stop to things at any point… and he didn’t.  And, yep, I’ve had guys tell me that they wanted to stop… and not so much and I don’t have the words to really explain this except to say it’s not all that unusual for these conflicting thoughts to show up.

The reason for this is to jump start his intelligence – to get him thinking about why he wanted and/or needed to do this in the first place because, again, those icky refractory period feelings have the ability to short-circuit one’s ability to look at what happened using their intellect.  And this moment is just one hell of a game changer and more so if/when a guy cannot get past this moment of perfect clarity and a moment, I might add, that is really only a few seconds long and goes something like this:  “Oh, shit!  I’m gonna cum!” followed damned near instantaneously by, “What the fuck did I just do?”

His body is going, “Ahh, damn, that felt good!” but his mind is freaking out as the reality sets in:  This dude just sucked me off… a dude!  What really causes the severe conflict is them knowing that, uh, they enjoyed every moment of it, well, right up to those scant seconds after they busted their nut.

What about the guy who’s sucking cock for the first time but isn’t, at least in that moment, not being sucked?  Oh, there’s a whole lot of shit going on inside their head and along the lines of, “I don’t believe I’m doing this” right along with, “I don’t believe I’m enjoying this!”  In this situation, I’d have to say that it doesn’t get real until the other guy says, “Oh, shit… fuck… I’m gonna cum!”  Now it’s decision time, believe it or not:  Do I stop sucking him so he won’t cum in my mouth or do I keep going so he can cum in my mouth?  Some guys stop… and some just kinda/sorta say, “Fuck it…” again; if they find the taste not their liking they either spit it out or, um, just deal with it and their mind will sort it out later.

Oh yeah… some guys don’t get that warning, not because the other guy doesn’t want to warn the newbie – there’s just no time to issue it; one moment it’s feeling more than wonderful and literally a split second later – oops.

Some guys, after sucking their first dick, do feel somewhat guilty because, over and over, the social programming is still screaming at them about doing what he wasn’t ever supposed to do.  By and large, however, the worst of it is a guy giving his first blow job is centered around whether he enjoyed the experience as much as he thought he would and, yeah, there’s that whole acquired taste thing that might have to be thought about.  Without going through that refractory period, eh, it’s probably hard to feel that sense of overwhelming guilt when you’re not the one busting the nut, not to say that a guy can’t feel guilty about breaking the taboo – it’s just that that moment isn’t always that bad.

In fact, it’s quite the ego trip and pretty exciting to finally learn that sucking a dick isn’t really all that bad – and spunk notwithstanding but, yeah, even guys who get their first taste of it often determine that it’s something they can deal with.  If there’s something that plagues the first time cock sucker, it’s usually being worried about whether he’s doing a good job of it and whether the guy he’s sucking will think he’s doing a good job… and, yes, right along with the nagging thought in the back of his mind that is, again, screaming that he shouldn’t be doing it and sure as hell shouldn’t be having fun doing it.

I know this scribble has been going on for a while and for that I apologize… but it’s important that this moment be understood.  It’s not what was done that’s really the problem:  It’s what happens after the fact that’s problematic for a lot of people – and not just men, in case you were wondering.  One winds up having to process the fact that they did it, has to make a determination on whether or not they enjoyed it, and then deal with any guilty feelings that may show up – and then hang around for a while until they can deal with it.

I’m just the guy who’ll tell you that not only does this happen, I’ll also tell you that some people adjust without any further issues… and some can’t adjust at all and the failure to adjust is rooted in their belief that they did something morally wrong (and marital infidelity notwithstanding for the purpose of this discussion) and, perhaps, not knowing about or understanding that damning refractory period that no one that I know of is immune to and one that can either make a person feel beyond wonderful… or so dirty and filthy that no amount of soap and water will ever get them “clean” again.  It’s that moment that can make someone – anyone – feel “used” and, yeah, make them totally forget that before they were feeling this way, um, they were having one hell of a good time.

This moment of perfect clarity is a life-changing moment and one that could go either way:  Either they’re gonna do it again… or they never will.  I didn’t have the advantage of someone explaining this to me when I was growing up, which is exactly why I sit here and scribble these things – and because these things are some very necessary and important information for the budding bisexual looking to have their first experience and what to expect after they do – and even for those experienced bisexuals who have, indeed, noticed how they feel sometimes after sex but, until now, maybe they didn’t understand what’s really going on.  It’s never about what you do – it’s about how you deal with it after you do it that truly matters the most.

I’ll leave y’all to think about all of this if you’re of a mind to and to let you know that if, even having the sex of your choice, you feel kinda/sorta shitty after the fact, there’s a reason why you do… and to ask what might be a rhetorical question:  Why would you – or should you – feel guilty about something you wanted to do in the first place?  And, just in case you happen to not believe any of this and require some proof, all you have to do is pay attention to your thoughts, feelings, and behavior – and your partner’s – right after you have sex:  You might be surprised and more so if you happen to notice that, after the fact, you’re basking in something that isn’t quite that happy afterglow…

This should keep your mind occupied for a few, huh?

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Next, What to Do?

So you’ve gotten past your “Oh, shit!” moment and have realized that the only thing that’s really changed about yourself is your thoughts about sex and sexuality although, admittedly, there still may be some “issues” still running around between your ears.  Perhaps you’ve decided that there’s nothing you can – or want to – do about this but maybe this has been on your mind enough and you’ve been thinking about what you’d like to do about this, you know, if you could.

Another of those “way back in the day” moments.  When two guys decided they wanted to “do it to each other,” it was accepted that “it” was pretty much doing everything, from playing with each other’s dick, to sucking each other’s dick, to dicks going in each other’s butt or, at the very least, dicks going between butt cheeks… then repeat if necessary or possible.

I’d have to say that guys then didn’t have much in the way of preferences other than wanting to do it and it wasn’t like guys were in the habit of asking what one liked (or being asked); again, “doing it” was a package deal so if there was a question to be asked and answered, it was usually, “Where can we do this?”  “What” was the whole nine yards; “why” was kinda self-evident; “when” was usually right this moment (but dependent upon the answer to “where”).

Experiences and time would eventually start to shake things out into “I like this” and “I don’t like that” which also included that, “Put it in my butt – but don’t stick it in too far” and the “I’ll suck your dick – but don’t shoot in my mouth” things that would crop up from time to time.

No Internet and the only form of porn were paperback books so if one was clever enough to swipe their father’s stash (or their mom’s stash), the only visualization of the sexual acts you were reading was whatever your mind could conjure up; other than word of mouth, there wasn’t much in the way of helpful information other than knowing what guys liked to do it and what guys didn’t or were too afraid to give it a shot.

There was almost always – and usually – that one moment when one boy would look at another boy and ask, “Have you ever done it with another boy?”  If the answer was yes, the next question would usually be, “Do you wanna do it?” and if the answer was no, um, the same question would be asked – and the answer could still be no… but sometimes it could be, “I don’t know…”

One might not have had any specific preferences when it came to doing it outside of wanting to do it out of that combination of raging hormones and the thrill of doing something that we all knew we weren’t supposed to be doing.

Today, guys have the “advantage” of being able to determine and decide what things they’d want to do once they get past that “Oh, shit!” moment – and thanks to the wealth of information the Internet can make available as well as an understanding of what gay men do when they do it to each other –  and deciding that doing just might be a good idea… but what to do?

And a lot of guys ask this question, believe it or not; it’s one thing to know what two guys could do to, for, and with each other, something else to figure out which of those things will turn out to be just what the doctor ordered.  It’s one thing to know that guys suck each other’s dick, another to imagine one’s self doing it and the same goes for having anal sex and even jerking each other off.

Guys ask this question of me and I’ve answered their question with a question:  What would you want to do?  Some guys would ask this question and it’s a rhetorical one – they already know what they wanna do but the question is more of a… confirmation of sorts so a conversation about what can be done begins and at a basic level:  Mutual masturbation, oral sex, anal sex, all of the above, any combination of those things which could also include kissing and cuddling (or not).

Guys today are able to sort out their preferences before they ever do it for the first time; they’ve already decided that they’re going to be a top (the guy in the male-dominant sexual role) or a bottom (the guy in the female-submissive sexual role) and, yeah, sometimes, a guy will start out wanting to be in both roles and as he feels in the moment.

What gets… amusing is that some guys do, in fact, have an idea of what they want to experience… but will still ask what it’s like to do it, oh, like sucking dick, for example.  Now, you’d think this would be a no-brainer and more so for any guy who’d ever had his dick sucked by a woman and for some guys it is a no-brainer – just not for every guy.  Having your cock sucked is one thing… being the one doing the sucking a whole different thing and, of course, there’s the whole matter of what to do when the guy cums – swallow it, wear it, avoid it at all costs and by any means necessary.

Guys are well-versed about fucking coochie and you’d think that there wouldn’t be much of a disconnect about sticking their dick in a guy’s ass – and more so if they’d ever had anal sex with a women – but, again, there’s this perceived difference but the main thing about this is a sense of revulsion because, well, we know what that orifice’s main purpose is, don’t we?  On the receiving end of the high hard one, again, we see that knowing that guys get boned as being one thing… wholly different when you’re the one with the hankering to get boned because the other thing we know, even via word of mouth, is that, um, it can hurt going in.

True enough, some guys prepare themselves for this moment by using toys, from butt plugs to dildos to prostate stimulators and while this is all well and good, most guys find that while using toys can get them used to being penetrated, having the real thing in their butt is rather different; it’s one thing to do this to yourself, another when you’re not really in control of that moment and there’s a very horny guy on the other end of the dick that’s about to meet your acquaintance.

So we see that when it comes to deciding what to do, there are choices… but choices that aren’t always easy to make because along with all the things two guys can do, there’s also a laundry list of reasons why guys shouldn’t do any of them.  One major one is, “What if someone finds out I (add an M2M thing here)?”  Yes, there’s the whole “What if I catch something?” thing to consider but it’s nothing a case of condoms can’t take care of.

Guys find that it’s easy to sit back and think about all of this but to get to the point where one does those things they’ve been pondering just might provide some added “stress” to the list of things to stress about in this, up to and including wondering, even here in the 21st century, if doing whatever they’re thinking about is going to make them gay.

Yeah, guys back in the 1960s were worried about this, too, so that hasn’t changed a whole lot.  Sometimes I think that guys looking and/or waiting for their first experience tends to suffer from an informational overload – just too much information to process but it is important for a guy to process all of that information and to the best of their ability because one thing they may discover is that the best thing for them to do is…

Nothing.  Certainly, there are a lot of reasons for a guy not to give into the great urge to get out there and do something about what they’re thinking and feeling but it just doesn’t pay to dive in there without thinking things through and beginning with being able to imagine themselves all up into whatever they wanted to experience.

Which is a kind of lead-in to the next thing I’ll scribble about – and you’ll know it when you see it…

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: A First Time for Everything

We’ve all heard this truism and something that’s so obvious that sometimes we don’t pay a whole lot of attention to first times after they’ve already passed, except maybe to have a reason to remember them fondly or while grimacing.

One of the things I learned early on about this bisexual thing – and mostly through the experiences of others – was how fucked up a lot of guys’ first time went and they were fucked up because they weren’t really sure of what they were getting themselves into; they had an idea – and one based on rumor and hearsay – but short of that, nope, not really a clue.

Then there were those guys who did have a clue but their first experience was anything but the mind-blowing event they had anticipated; not because the sex they experienced wasn’t all that but because when they had that moment of internal crisis after the fact, there was no one to help them, one, understand it and, two, help them get through it.

One guy I was talking to had said something along the lines of he’d be more receptive to playing with a dick if it wasn’t for the fact that the guy who gave him his first experience didn’t finish the job by leaving him hanging with a lot of doubts and fears.

I recall making a mental note to myself saying that if/when I gave a guy his first time, don’t leave him all fucked up about having done it.  Also around this time, I was seriously and studiously learning as much as I could about this bisexual thing and from every aspect I could and whatever was available, which wasn’t a whole lot.  I don’t know or remember how many guys I talked to, hearing their stories, their successes and failures, as well as their hopes in this and as opposed to how and why some were totally disillusioned, like the one guy who had, in his view, a very bad first experience; he had said that if the guy who did him had told him what he was getting himself  into before the fact, he wouldn’t have taken the plunge at that time.

I found myself talking to a lot of guys who were interested in checking out dick but, clearly, they weren’t sure what they would be getting themselves into and I’d tap into the wealth of knowledge I had obtained and told them what I knew and, yeah, what I’d experienced.  For some guys, it made them rethink wanting to do the nasty with another guy; for others, well, they were still gonna go for it with someone but now they learned that forewarned is forearmed – it’s better, much better, to have an understanding about this before the fact.

I also found myself having such conversations with guys and after listening to their thoughts about doing this (and, yeah, sometimes they wanted to do it with me), it was my thought that, you know, maybe you shouldn’t do this until you’re either more sure or you’ve got your head screwed on more or better.  I understood, and even if they didn’t yet, that diving into this is a life-changing event and that’s putting it mildly because while it could be an amazing thing to experience, it could also ruin someone’s life with a lot of things that, left unattended to, well, to say things would be bad going forward was a gross understatement.

I’d give them the good old fashioned third degree and would really dig around inside their head to determine whether or not their desire to do this thing would be, at least in my own opinion, a good or bad thing for them.  I’d tell them about all the horror stories I’d heard, share with them those moments where I’d walk away from an encounter with a guy and kicking my own ass because something about the encounter rubbed me the wrong way.

A lot of guys I had this conversation with would just stop whatever they were trying to experience and rethink it all… and some guys would want to proceed despite now being armed with information.  For those guys who had decided that I should and would be the one to, ah, introduce them, the one thing they wanted to know, the one thing they wanted to be assured of,  was that I wasn’t going to leave them hanging should they encounter problems after the fact.

I’d tell them that it was okay and pretty normal to be scared shitless right before the fact, that there was really no shame in backing out at the last moment and that if things got going and they decided they couldn’t deal with it or otherwise found things not to their liking, it was okay to call a halt to things and not continue.

To me, it just seemed to be the right thing to say to a guy, to tell him what he was seeking to get himself into, the pros and cons of it all and, importantly, chances were good that at some point after the fact, some internal chaos could show up and turn their lives upside down.

And I learned so much more, like how some guys were 100% sure that this is what they wanted and needed… only to find out that this wasn’t as… glorious as they had thought – yet another of life’s lessons that teaches us that it can sound damned good in theory but in practical application?  Not so much and, hence, the importance of being there for a guy as much as possible when the shit hit the fan for them and their actions, instead of answering their questions, created even more questions that had to be answered.

I recall, a whole lot of years later, talking to a guy about dealing with first timers… and his approach, in my mind, was just totally irresponsible; to him, if a first timer didn’t understand what he was getting himself into, that wasn’t his problem or concern and if the first timer had issues during or after the fact, well, that wasn’t his problem, either.  His opinion of my adopted approach wasn’t a kind one; he had asked me why I should care one way or the other about any guy who was “stupid enough” to get himself into something that he didn’t know shit about or, as he so callously put it, “You pay your money, you take your chances…”

And if there’s an inherent problem with male bisexuality, it’s attitudes like this and such attitudes get developed because some guys just forget that, once upon a time, they, too, had a first time.  Maybe their first time didn’t go so well at any point in the experience and maybe it was the greatest thing since sliced bread… but to go forward and find themselves in the position of giving a newbie his first time – and not doing all that can be done in order to make that newbie’s first time the best it can possibly be, well, that’s just so totally fucked up.

True enough, even armed with all the information possible, not every first time experience goes swimmingly well, as evidenced by the many times I’ve seen guys just fall to pieces at some point.  The reality of taking that first step into both the unknown and the forbidden, to be polite about it, can be a motherfucker and a half because a lot of guys don’t find out whether or not they can deal with this until they find themselves trying to deal with it.  I’ve seen guys break down and cry; I’ve seen them get physically ill; I’ve seen them stop in their tracks and ask, “What am I doing?”

I’ve seen guys say, with much bravado, that they can handle this… and have seen them, after the fact, learn that, nope, not handling it well at all, are you?  Today, I sit and read about guys fantasizing about their first experience and, frankly, it makes me nervous to see how much about actually doing whatever they want to experience they don’t know.   They have an idea that it’s not really all that easy and while I can admire their determination to go through with their first time, often, you can tell that in their certainty, there’s still a lot of uncertainty and that’s to be expected:  Hearing about how it’s done just ain’t the same as being the one in the position to do it.

And a lot of those guys do, sadly and in fact, find out that it’s a lot harder than they could have imagined – and that’s just getting to that moment of truth where one does… or does not.  Some guys find themselves hung out to dry after the fact; again, now there are more questions than answers and, at least in my opinion, there is nothing worse than a guy having a very bad moment after the fact and there’s no one he can turn to who can help him get through this moment.

Maybe it’s a lot of “unnecessary hand-holding” or maybe even “babying” grown ass men who, in theory, should know what they’re getting themselves into but what really makes a guy’s first experience a good or bad one isn’t always up to him – it also depends on the guy giving that first experience.  There was a time where I’d talk a guy out of going for it at that time and I’d feel pretty crappy about it until I found that more often than not, I did him a favor by insisting that he do more thinking about this or ask a busload of questions before “blindly” jumping into the pool because those waters are so murky that you just aren’t really aware of how many “sharks” are swimming around in there, those guys who just don’t give a fuck about you or your feelings as long as you do what they want you to do.

Again, I’ve felt that those guys who don’t give a fuck don’t remember their first experience or are of a mind that because someone made their first experience a bad one, any guy who comes to them for their first time is gonna bear the brunt of that bad first experience – if it wasn’t all that good for me, why should it be all that good for you?

At some point, there’s only so much thinking one can do before the fact and for the new guy looking to have that first experience and breathing life into his fantasies, now it’s about that moment of truth where they’re really gonna find out if they can, in fact, do all that shit they were thinking about.  Fact:  Some can.  Also a fact:  Some just can’t.  And, again, my opinion, but guys need to know this before the fact.

Fact:  Some guys do extremely well during and after the fact.  Also a fact:  Again, some guys don’t do well at all… and they need to know this, too, when doing their before the fact thinking.

Some guys find having these thoughts and feelings to be scary and they can be but as I tell the guys on the bi guy forum, that ain’t even as scary as being naked with a guy and moments away from dealing with his cock or having him deal with theirs.  So you think you can suck a dick, huh?  Well, there’s now a dick right in your face waiting for you to do something to it… and now it doesn’t seem to be as easy as you thought it would be, huh?

Oh, you’ve read about having a dick in your ass, have you?  Think you know how to go about being fucked and even think that infamous pain just might not be as bad as you’ve heard and because you’ve stuff some toys in there and in preparation for your first dick?  Wait until you really feel the real thing going in there and the whole thing is being driven by a seriously horny guy.  Maybe he’s given his word that he’ll go slow and take it easy – and I’d never say that the guy’s word is invalid but the reality is shoving an inanimate object into your butt just really ain’t the same thing as feeling the real thing in your ass.

And guys looking for their first experience do need to know this, to have someone tell them the reality of it all… and I am often taken aback at how many guys aren’t willing to take the time to, at the least, make sure that the first timer before them is as ready as he can be to take that plunge.

As I’ve said, I’ve seen guys after the fact just… lose it.  They’re now asking if they really did do the right thing for themselves, asking if, oh, my god, are they really gay and other forms of mental duress.  And now the important thing is to assure them, and as best as can be done, that they’re really going to be okay and that what they’re going through in that moment isn’t unusual and, indeed, it was expected – and now here’s how we’re gonna handle this, okay, and it begins with a question:  I know what you’re feeling right now but I want you to go back to when you were all into doing it and the question I wanna ask about that moment is were you having fun?

You see, in that moment of after the fact distress, a lot of guys do “forget” that before they found themselves all bent out of shape, there were having a fun good time doing it… and this is the thing they should be focused on more than feeling guilty or now second-guessing themselves about something that they’ve already done – there ain’t no take-backs in this, after all.

Bi guys have a lot of “problems,” from finding someone they can talk to about this before any fact and finding both the confidence and even courage to take the plunge for the first time.  Ideally, they seek out and find a mentor, someone who will do their best to answer their questions and ward off any before the fact fears while telling them the unfiltered truth about having sex with another man and then in no uncertain terms.

And if a guy gets this valuable information and goes for it, it’s pretty damned important to have someone who’s gonna be willing and able to pick up the pieces should things fall apart… and because expecting them to fall apart can really and truly happen and in some rather spectacular and, sadly, devastating ways.

Call it stewardship, mentoring, or just being responsible but I’d rather talk a guy out of doing this and fill his head with a shitload of information than to see him go into his first experience and not so informed.  And anyone who’s reading this and contemplating their own first experience?  I’d encourage you to keep what I’ve written here in mind before you dive into the pool; understand what it is you’re thinking about getting yourself into but, importantly, do not fear it; sometimes, a first experience seems to go bad because one’s fears have already decided that it’s gonna be bad.  And if you can find a mentor, by all means, do so – it could be the difference between having an amazing first experience or having your worst nightmares realized.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Casual Sex

A bi guy is out on the town, runs into another guy, and they wind up having sex and, all after the fact, the bi guy is feeling cheap, tawdry, disgusted, and a few other adjectives I can’t think of at this moment not because he had sex with some guy he just met in a bar… but because he had sex and just for the sake of having sex.

And the question I ask is whether or not feeling like a hot mess in this situation makes any damned sense.  One of the things I hear a lot of bi guys (as well as the curious ones) talk about is not wanting to be bothered with casual sex – aka, the most-dreaded hookup, aka having sex with someone simply for the sake of having sex.

We’ve been mindfucked into believing that the only valid sex is relationship sex and it doesn’t make matters better when, religiously, fornication – sex outside of wedlock – is a sin.  We accept this to be the way things are supposed to be and why pre-marital sex was once (and maybe still is) very much frowned upon.  But another question I ask is that if casual sex is bad and the only good and proper sex is relationship sex, if one is without a relationship, um, how do they expect to get laid when they need to get laid – and especially men since, um, we’re kinda hard-wired to have sex?

We kinda/sorta no longer live in a time where men and women were greatly encouraged to save themselves for that one person who they’d fall in love with and, only then, have sex with and while men and women go about this in different ways, if someone has casual sex, eh, it’s not really that big of a deal and, methinks that having sex during the dating phase is not only about scratching an itch that needs to be scratched but part of the “interview” process because, um, who wants to be in a relationship with someone they can’t have good sex with… and the only way to determine this – and without a “formal” relationship in place is to have casual sex and even if it’s casual with a purpose.

This has become a big deal of a thing in the world of M2M and from my perspective – you know, having been around for a while – this is a departure from what was once consider to be par for the course, i.e., guys would have sex with other guys and for the sole purpose of having sex and if some “being into” happened, well, that could be a problem a lot of guys didn’t want to deal with; let’s just keep things less serious and just enjoy making each other bust a nut should we find that, er, we really like busting nuts with each other.

Somewhere along the line – and you’ve seen me scribble about this before, the concept of Friends With Benefits (FWB) came to be – all of the perks of being in a relationship but none of the responsibilities and a departure from the notion that one should never have sex with their friends.  This departure made sense because, um, sometimes, all you need is some sex and without the… complications that can happen from “catching feelings” and wanting to be all monogamous.  And while FWB can be considered to be a form of relationship, it’s not a committed, traditional kind of relationship so, depending on how you care to look at it, sex via FWB is still… casual sex.

Hmm.

Don’t get me wrong in that I do understand the moral implications involved; I’m just the guy who’ll question that and, once again, ask that if you want and need to get laid, how are you supposed to accomplish that if you’re not ensconced up to your eyeballs in a relationship… and more so if being in a committed relationship isn’t on your list of things to do or, duh, trying to hook one up is proving to be problematic?

As mentioned, NSA sex was the hallmark of things M2M and it seems that, today, eh, there’s not as much NSA sex happening as there once was; it hasn’t gone by the wayside by any stretch of the imagination, mind you, but the M2M dynamic has undergone a shift that now seems to imply that if you’re not, at the least, in a FWB situation with someone, just having sex with someone for the sake of scratching that itch is about as wrong as anything gets… which still heralds from a period of time when doing the nasty just because you could and wanted to made you a slut or a dog.

Where once upon a time, sex was something we were all encouraged to wait on, it’s like that old cartoon with the vultures sitting on a tree and talking about some poor soul about to shuffle off below them:  “Patience my ass – I wanna kill something!”  We’ve come to understand that having sex is a need just like eating is a need… and that if you keep waiting to take care of that need, uh, bad things tend to happen.  People started talking about instant gratification and in two ways – one of how selfish (and even immoral) such thinking is and the other along the lines of if you need it, go get it and to hell with what anyone else has to say about it.

Men had long ago figured out that you don’t have to be in love with someone to have sex with them; hell, you didn’t even have to like them a whole lot as long as there was mutual consent and agreement to do the nasty with each other.  That, um, had the unfortunate result of giving men a very shitty reputation that continues to exist today.  It brings to mind something that I’ve been saying a lot here lately:  Women look for a relationship and find sex while men look for sex and find a relationship; I don’t remember off hand where I read this and who wrote it, but it’s making a lot of sense to me and does, I think, explain why guys are more… favorable to casual sex than women.

And, perhaps not so much and, again, indicates a shift in the M2M dynamic that is either honorable or somewhat disturbing, depending on your point of view.  The thing is that people do have casual sex – despite the admonishments about doing it like that, people have always had casual sex and will continue to and simply because it suits their needs and for whatever other reasons makes sense to them.

My question is that if you have casual sex, is there any reason why one should feel horribly shitty because they had sex for the sake of having sex?  And if relationship sex is all that and a bag of chips, um, why are some people not all that happy about it?  That’s probably a question for another discussion but I mention it to make a point and that point is how we are all ready to deprive ourselves of something we know we need and for the sake of being respectable.

We do this – we seem to prefer to maintain that air of respectability over being tagged as slutty or doggy in our sexual behavior – again, I just ask if any of this makes really and truly makes sense.  Bi guys (and even bi gals) talk about being sexually repressed and that’s not too difficult to understand… but if a guy isn’t a fan of casual sex, um, isn’t that repression something of their own doing more than it’s someone else’s “fault?”  Granted, the rules don’t favor the same-sex thing but, sure enough, we skirt around that easily enough… but if you’re not willing to engage in some casual sex – and in the absence of relationship sex – is there any wonder why so many bisexuals feel repressed?

Cityman, in one of our many discussions about sexuality, said something about things appearing to be “normalizing,” i.e., M2M sex was shifting from the much-dreaded hookup to a more relationship-based thing and that if someone wasn’t interested in just having sex because they could do it, wow, very major and serious deal breaker.  His pointing this out got me thinking about it and more so when, in the early days of the “biphobic revolt,” a lot of people were, indeed, saying that they didn’t think they could be bisexual because they didn’t think they could be in a same-sex relationship – as well as those people who were saying that if you weren’t – or couldn’t be in a same-sex relationship, there’s no way you could be bisexual.

Except… bisexuality, in and of itself, was never about being in a same-sex relationship unless, of course, that’s how things worked out – it just wasn’t a given.  As I pondered this… normalization, yeah, I began to see what Cityman was talking about and a lot of guys on the forum were saying that they wanted to be able to avail themselves of this form of sexual expression… as long as casual sex wasn’t involved.  Some of those same guys would also say that while they weren’t interested in being someone’s “boyfriend,” casual sex?  Not gonna happen!  It’s meaningless, has no substance, is empty – stop me if you’ve heard this before.

Such things have made me scratch my head because there’s a contradiction going on here. You wanna have the sex, you don’t want to have a same sex relationship, but you also feel that just having sex because you want to has zero meaning and since this is the “case,” continuing to be sexually repressed is the only “logical” choice.  It’s that thing that makes a lot of guys stay on the bench and say that they can’t find someone they can have the sex with when, in fact, there are so many guys they can have the sex with that it alarms a lot of people.  What they really mean is that they can’t find someone to not have casual sex with; they can’t find that guy who’d be interested in being into them and, at the least, becoming their FWB – but short of having a “real” relationship.

I have told you that if you think women are funny about this, men are even funnier, haven’t I?

If you wanna play with a dick and you’re not ready or otherwise prepared to deal with a relationship, how are you gonna be able to play with a dick if you don’t engage in some casual sex?  One of the guys on the forum once said that he’s been looking for that one guy he can be all into and in every way that means but since that guy hasn’t magically appeared, his solution to this “problem” was to not have casual sex with other guys until Mr. Right came along.

And I asked him that if he wasn’t willing to, ah, interview guys for the Mr. Right position, what the fuck is he really doing?  Sure, a Mr. Right should be more than his ability to lay pipe and all that – there are other factors involved but keep in mind that men look for sex and find a relationship so, um, if you’re not willing to get naked with a guy and conduct that part of the interview, well, maybe you see the problem here and more so when, by and large, a lot of men want to do the nasty with other guys (and, yes, women) and without the hassles and complications of what having a relationship implies.

And maybe you don’t.  I’m still just the guy who points these things out and how these thing also makes what the biphobic bunch say about bisexual not really have as much weigh or import as they think that bullshit does.  We do think about what we’re doing and we do think about who we wanna do the nasty with and in some pretty exacting and specific ways… and casual sex is becoming one of those ways and is, seemingly, non-negotiable for a lot of folks.

And if y’all need something to think about, ask yourself why casual sex – sex for the sake of scratching that itch – is such a bad thing to do… then ask yourself why you think it is and you just might find out something that may surprise you… and, no, I’m not gonna tell you even though I know the answer – it’s on you to figure that out, if you want to or if you even care.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Top or Bottom?

On the heels of having scribbled, “TBT:  Reflections,” I saw this on the bi guy forum and it spurred me to write about it.  Of all the things M2M, this is one of the things that tends to mystify me and it’s in the form of a question:  How does a guy decide to be just a top, just a bottom, or to be both… and then, how does he decide on this without any actual sexual experience with another guy?

The terms of top, bottom, and versatile didn’t exist when I began my trip down this sexuality road and with the very horny guys I grew up with, you just did it all; you topped, you bottomed, you switched, you sucked dick and all in one “session” because nothing else made sense and to not be engaged in every aspect was deemed to be unfair.

So when one guy looked at another and asked the magic question:  “Hey – do you wanna do it?” it was implied that everything two guys could do to and with each other was gonna be done.  Eventually, guys began to settle into that which they liked the most but the main point here is that this… settling in didn’t happen unless one had engaged in all three of the modern roles of top, bottom, or versatile.

We learned by doing or, if you will, getting done.  Today, there are a lot of guys who somehow are able to decide which role they’d prefer to adopt and without any real experience whatsoever.  The bi guy forum seems to be “top heavy” with bottoms and wannabe bottoms; a lot of the experienced bottoms grudgingly admit to liking to top every now and then but express the preference of being on the receiving end of things.

Indeed, a lot of the forum’s bottoms got their “start” being bottoms and I’d suppose that it just made sense for them to remain bottoms because, um, they really liked bottoming more than anything else, that and some guys adopt the bottom role because when they’re having sex with women, they are always topping and as strange as it might sound, eh, that gets rather pedantic after a while and more so when a guy wants to experience being the one getting dicked and creamed.

And, perhaps, this is the same reasoning used by those guys who haven’t had a M2M experience yet and the one they want to experience is being a bottom?  I’m not sure and because there are aspects to this that evade every attempt to put it into words that make sense, it’s often not easy for a guy to explain how and why he’s made a choice about something he’s yet to actually do.

Over the decades, I’ve seen M2M stuff make what is to me an odd progression, that being, guys settling into a role and one that is “clearly” defined, i.e, tops do this, don’t do that and bottoms follow an identical “guideline.”  Tops may or may not suck cock (many don’t); their job is to offer up their cock to be sucked and as a prelude to getting it into the bottom’s bottom and busting that nut.  Bottoms seem to be relegated to sucking cock then offering their butts to be reamed and creamed…

And there’s no deviation allowed or expected; if you’ve declared yourself as a bottom, the thought that you could be called upon to top someone is… unthinkable and even undesirable; likewise, if you’re a top, having someone ask you to bottom for them is deemed to be undoable.  I recall having this discussion with Cityman way back when we first started talking to each other and his asserting that he was all top and that bottoming just wasn’t gonna happen.  Nothing unusual about this because I’d seen guys “automatically” assume this role and if for no other reason than for them, it was all about fucking and with zero thought to being fucked.

Which made me ask him, “What are you gonna do when you find yourself wanting to be topped?”  And then tell him – and with a certainty he wouldn’t have been familiar with at that time, “There will come a time when despite being a top, you will want to be topped.”

Needless to say, he didn’t believe me – but I knew he wouldn’t because it seems that even between bisexual men, once you adopt a role, it’s never supposed to change and there’s no reason for it to change.  This mindset speaks to a certain kind of “black or white” thinking and perhaps even a large amount of hubris to think and/or believe that finding themselves in the opposite role that they’ve adopted just can’t happen.

But I still don’t know or fully understand how a guy who has never had a sexual experience with another man can make such at hard-set decision.  I know that there are actually guys who think/believe that if they’re the ones doing the fucking, what they’re doing to the other guy isn’t gay and the same applies to sucking dick… and, at least to me, that’s so far from the truth that it’s really kinda funny to find a guy who believes this.  I get that a guy who tops wants to continue being a man and masculine so being the one laying the pipe is simply an extension to the sex he has with women; then you add in the known fact that taking a finger in the ass – let alone a hard dick – um, well, that shit hurts so it does make sense that there are guys who would rather avoid that.

A lot of bottoms talk about being/feeling submissive… or wanting to be made to feel this way and for the longest time, I’ve suspected that these guys are “automatically” adopting the female/submissive role in sex and all that’s been implied by this role and determined by how women are placed into this role and almost by default, as it were.  I know – and even if they’ve yet to learn – that while this sound rather attractive, to actually be subjected to a man’s lust isn’t always what it’s thought to be.  Comparatively speaking, sucking cock and sucking a guy off is easy… taking the preferred “big cock” in their butt – and then having it hammered “unmercifully” is a very different kettle of fish.  It’s not that the guy who lacks experience being topped doesn’t understand this because, for real and on the forum, there are again a lot of bottoms who are more than happy to share their experiences, both good and bad and I’d never say that having access to the experiences of others doesn’t go a long way to allowing an inexperienced guy to decide which role he’d prefer to be in.

I just don’t think that they’ve really given any thought to how the dynamic can really work… and it’s not always the way you’d prefer it to.  Cityman tells me about the push back he gets when he does, indeed, wants to be topped… and the guys he’s surrounded himself with just flat out refuse to top him; they’re bottoms, first, foremost, and always and he asks me why they won’t use their dicks and like they’re supposed to be used.

And the only answer I can give him is that either they believe – or have been made to believe – that they’re “lousy” at topping or otherwise believe that they can’t top… and even they’re not supposed to change horses in mid-stream.  In similar discussions with Cityman, I’ve asked him, “What happens when two tops or two bottoms find each other interesting enough to hook up?”

If you buy into the whole M2M top/bottom thing, logically, nothing can happen because these guys have locked themselves into a singular role while dismissing the fact that something could happen if two tops found each other “irresistible” or two bottoms did; the thought here – and it probably sounds a bit insane – that when it comes to sex, someone always has to be “the guy,” and someone always has to be “the girl” – and, as always, I don’t mean any disrespect to any woman reading this – it’s just the dynamic everyone knows about, like it or not.

If a guy settles into a particular role because he’s tried them all, well, I can understand that because nothing teaches you better about what you like and don’t like than actual experience… but I remain a bit flummoxed to make sense of how a guy “understands” this without one lick of experience and even basing their decision on what other men have spoken to or, gasp, what they’ve seen watching gay porn.

And maybe, just maybe, things M2M have progressed in a way where a guy doesn’t really need any actual experience?  See, I know that there are guys who have, indeed, wondered what a woman feels when she’s getting boned and, by extension, what it would feel like to be boned himself… and somewhere in his thoughts, he just decides that should he have that first M2M experience, it will be as a bottom – and I’m just not able to confirm that this is really the “legit” mechanism outside of some inexperienced guys saying, “I think I’d like this more than topping.”

What I’ve come to understand is how rigid these roles are and how some “dedicated” bottoms, when asked, will tell you in no uncertain terms that they know for a fact that they wouldn’t want to top a guy and they sure as hell wouldn’t like it… and when they’ve never topped a guy or has been asked to.  Tops aren’t all that different in this school of thought; they know, without any doubt whatsoever, that they wouldn’t like being topped and they’d never want to be topped and no power in this whole world could convince them to be topped…

Which also explains how totally surprised a dedicated top or bottom can be when they find themselves in the opposite role… and find it to their liking despite their thoughts otherwise.  That’s about the time when the waffling begins:  It’s not something they’d do all of the time but, sure, with the right guy, they’d engage in topping or bottoming.

And I just wonder what the hell is really going on in their minds about their adopted roles and why they’re of a mind that one role is “better” than the other and that it’s not possible to literally go both ways and within a sexuality whose hallmark is having the ability and desire to go both ways.

End of the day, this is one of those things that, in a way, I do kinda understand… and don’t.  If a guy has gone both ways with another guy and has decided on which role best suits his needs, okay, that makes a lot of sense to me… but to decide on a role with zero experience makes me wonder how a guy can be so sure that his chosen role is gonna be the one that’ll best suit his needs and, by extension, why a guy would and can decide that once he picks his role, it can’t be changed or, at the least, interchanged with the other roles.

Life is full of examples of people making decisions that are not based on experience, like eating sushi, for example.  People think it’s just raw fish and, ew – not gonna like that, let alone eat it!  But sushi isn’t just raw fish and a lot of it isn’t even fish – it’s veggies and even if it is seafood, it’s seafood that has to be cooked before it can be served.  Ah, but some “sushi haters” get convinced to try a California roll and, what do you know?  That ain’t bad at all!  And, yeah, some take that leap of faith and give, say, a piece of sushi topped with tuna… and find it to be quite delicious when it’s not cooked.  And, oh, yeah, if you’re a sushi hater, I gotta mention that sushi isn’t about the fish or whatever – it’s about the rice.

Anyway, I wanted to get this off of my mind even as I continue to work on this “mystery” in the background.  I am very much aware that how guys today go about things M2M is very different from the way guys went about it in decades gone by; we learned what we liked/disliked by doing – the mechanism guys today use to determine their likes/dislikes is unknown or, at the least, uncorroborated and undocumented other than guys saying, “I know this is what I want to do with another guy…”

And maybe that’s all that’s needed here in the 21st century.