Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Summer Heat

I love summer. The heat. The laziness of it. Well, ah, the younger version of myself loved it even more than I do now. No school until September, looking forward to going to summer camp somewhere along the line and daily moments of… boys being boys.

There was always something to do on those hot summer days, from hiking along the creek to scrounging up enough bottles to get the refund for them so we could go swimming which, come to think about it, never really gave much relief from the heat but it was better than sweating… almost… because summer meant there were plenty of days where sweating was the thing you wanted to do when boys were being boys.

I think about those summer days and how many times we’d get together – as a group or one-on-one to hang out and go through the whole list of things we could do for fun… or to get in trouble – and there was always that sense that we were just putting those things out there and paying lip service to them so we could do what we really wanted to do.

Have sex with each other. Summer was perfect for it since we’d all get tossed outside and pretty much left to our own devices and since we rarely left our neighborhood – unless we were going to the creek or swimming and that called for letting our parents know where we were going – we could vanish for hours, giving us more than enough time to do the things boys weren’t supposed to do to and with each other.

Then there were the days when there was just nothing else to do; too hot to be running around, no bottles to collect to go swimming and just being outside was… boring as anything could get… except, hmm, there was one thing that could be done and provided you could find someone who was just as bored as you were.

One of the things those summer days taught me was that when you leave guys to their own devices, there’s no telling what might happen or what gets thought about or even being in one of those “weird” moments where one or both guys just somehow know what they should do; now, whether it comes up or just goes unaddressed is something else but in the summer days of my youth? No question about what had to be done and the only thing standing in the way was waiting for someone to ask, “What do you wanna do?”

It was funny in that we’d go through this process even though we knew exactly what we wanted to do… even if there was, in fact, something else to be done. People chalk all of this up to experimentation but as I mentioned a while back, it was more like exploration. Not just exploring sex itself but exploring it in a way that was very taboo and forbidden. I’d even go as far to say that the first time a guy did this, that was the experiment and if he felt it was a success, then the exploration would begin in earnest.

And summertime provided many chances to explore. Going away to summer camp? Just a greater opportunity to explore as guys from all over the area came together to do summer camp stuff – and to get us out of our parents’ hair for a time – but even in this environment where there was always something to do, there were still those times when boys being boys was the thing to do… and because we could. We’d want to. Maybe to dispel the belief that we – and in our local group of male friends – weren’t the only ones deep into this kind of exploration. Always exciting and promising to hear some kid you just met ask The Question: Have you ever done it with another boy?

And, most of the time, if the answer was no, well, chances were very good that you were gonna find out what it was like to do it with another boy… and I stopped being surprised by the number of guys who hadn’t done it yet, were actually afraid to do it, but would be more than eager to do it anyway. Even that environment was ripe for exploration and more so since, at least at the camp I went to, the showers were just like those in school so there was always that exposure to naked male bodies and, yeah, guys looking while trying not to look; you could even tell the guys who were eager to do it from those who weren’t because the ones who didn’t would set world records for showering and hauling ass out of there… and the guys who did would, ah, take their own sweet time showering to both enjoy the view… and hope that maybe something would happen.

And sometimes it did; a lot of dicks got sucked in the shower and some asses would get fucked since, you know, soap is pretty slippery and all that. The risk of a counselor barging in and asking why we were taking so long to shower was always present but it was worth it and, honestly? I think the counselors knew and maybe even expected it and, just like at home, “allowed” it… as long as you didn’t get caught doing anything… and I can only remember maybe one or two times when some guys got caught and even then, instead of being shipped back home and ratted out to parents, they just got a stern lecture and warned to never do that again.

But they knew that, yeah, it was gonna happen again anyway.

You grow up and summertime takes on new meanings with fewer chances to explore and indulge in such sinful behavior… but it’s still a good time of the year for boys to be boys even when they become men. The days are hot… and our blood and lust runs hotter and there’s no denying it and more so if you were a guy who, when younger, loved the hot, summer days where dicks would get sucked and finished or wind up in someone’s backside to finish that way. Or just to sit side by side and jerk each other off and do some oohing and ahhing to see fresh, young sperm spitting into the air and creating sticky puddles wherever it landed.

Knowing it was naughty. Forbidden. Just so unspeakable in so many ways… but so much fun to partake in. Being very aware of the risk of getting caught in the act and pretty much not giving a damn about it. Maybe the guys who shied away from the exploration were missing out on something… important and even vital – and maybe, ah, maybe they were the smart ones not to get hooked on the forbidden pleasures to be found and had with another guy’s prick and the indescribable joy found in getting him to spill his seed in your mouth, ass, and sometimes both… while having the sure knowledge that you were gonna get to spill your own seed with him or, really, any guy who wanted to do it.

Some even say this is a sort of rite of passage and despite the forbidden nature of it and that it prepares us for sex and intimacy with women – well, at least the basics of it. And while this could and would be a year-round endeavor, summertime was… perfect for it and at least where I lived and among the guys I hung out with, we couldn’t wait for school to let out for the summer so that the “real lessons” could begin.

Hot. Sultry. The unrelenting heat… and I’m not talking about just the weather. Sometimes intense and stormy and that, too, described the weather and season. Spending time indoors with a fellow member of the secret society while it rained cats and dogs? A lot more fun than one might think because one got very good at sound like having some harmless fun… while having a very different kind of fun. Lightning would flash; thunder would roar… and not all of it was due to the weather.

How could one not love summer when it finally arrived? The freedom from the tedium of going to school and being free to explore things since, again, most of the time? We were left to our own devices, commanded and demanded to get out of the house and do something – and something other than getting into trouble and as boys are wont to do. Just a thing that if you were gonna get into some kind of trouble, er, ah, there was always that one thing that could be done that was worth getting into trouble over…

If you got caught doing it. Oh, it happened but for the most part? Not so much and even then I had wondered why more of us didn’t get busted and punished for our wickedness… and I thought that those in charge of us probably did know what we were doing when out of their sight… and sometimes right under their noses. They knew… because it’s always been a boys being boys kind of thing and, I guess, it was easier to just let it happen, to let it run its course, than to keep it from happening since, at least for the horny motherfuckers I grew up with, telling us not to do this was the same as telling us to go ahead and do it.

Just. Don’t. Get. Caught.

I think of Sly and The Family Stone’s song, “Summertime” and the part of the lyrics that says, “Hot fun in the summertime…” and, yeah, buddy, we had lots of hot fun in the summertime because, um, there wasn’t really anything better to do when you and your pal were left to your own devices on those hot, steamy, summer days…

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: The Secret Society

As I’ve mentioned, I grew up with some pretty horny dudes and it seemed to me that we all got “awakened” to sex at almost the same time including masturbation. But those of us who were “unknowingly” bisexual, it was quite the secret society since you had to be “one of us” to know that we weren’t straight and that we were having sex like it was nobody’s business.

It wasn’t about being outed as being gay that kept this a secret – it was the very real fear of some neighborhood adult catching any of us in the act… and I grew up in a time where the adult neighbors could whup your ass for something, take you home, rat you out, and you’d get your ass whupped again by your parents.

So if you didn’t need to know – or we didn’t want you to know – you might suspect that we were up to something… but we’d never confirm nor deny the allegations.

Or so we thought. Today I can look back at our “secret society” and how we thought that we were the only ones who knew what we were doing and there was no way anyone else could find out; what we didn’t know about was that a lot of other guys were feeling the same things we were and looking for other boys to do it with. Nothing else explained how one of us could be hanging out with a guy who wasn’t a known member of the Society of Really Horny Motherfuckers and that guy would pop the question:

“Have you ever done it with another boy?” Sometimes panic would set in – who was the rat who ratted about what we were doing? Yeah, sometimes, our… activities got spread by word of mouth but outside of that, it never occurred to us that we weren’t the only guys in the ‘hood looking to check this out.

We were some horny fuckers… didn’t say we were all Wile E. Coyote brilliant and that the obvious couldn’t just sail right over our heads; we just didn’t think like that and I thought that our tendency to always be in the moment allowed the obvious to fly right past us.

Guys were “inviting” themselves into the secret society either by asking The Question or, even at our ages, trying to be slick and/or trying to appear to be ‘innocent’ of any of this… and sometimes being subtle about it wasn’t a consideration, oh, like, hanging out with a guy who wasn’t a known member and he just pulls his dick out and starts playing with it… and hoping this in-your-face hint would jumpstart you to do what he wanted to do while hoping that you wanted to do it, too.

They call it experimentation and I guess it remains to be an accurate description although, in later years, I’d see it more like exploration and, perhaps, the “experiment” was to see if one could do it or not; if they found that they could, then the exploration began and, um, in our “branch” of the Society of Really Horny Motherfuckers, the exploration was off the chain… and our numbers were growing and it didn’t take one very long to realize that things weren’t just contained and confined to our particular neighborhood:

There were branches all over the city… and even more that many of us didn’t know about like going away to summer camp and finding yourself rooming with another society member from another city or state. From all walks of life; things like race and color didn’t mean a whole lot and despite the early racial tensions of those early days, there were a lot of guys who were society members and, in this, totally colorblind.

With the one and only caveat and “rule:” Don’t. Get. Caught. Now, many societies had a second rule that, for the most part, was upheld: I won’t tell if you won’t. But, yeah, some would tell anyway, not for the purpose of starting some shit or getting someone into trouble but because all of this was so damned exciting that you just couldn’t keep it to yourself…

Which usually had the effect of adding more members to the society. While there were many young horny fuckers who weren’t of a mind to join the society, well, yeah – a lot at least wanted to give it a try and those experimenters would either walk away from it or join the society.

A whole lot of boys. Of difference ages and other demographic stuff. Masturbators. Cock suckers. No real qualms about anal either way. Some members reveled in doing it all while others had their favorite things to do. Things like guilt and shame were usually quickly conquered because the amazingly intense urge to do it would pretty much override guilt and shame and the logic, at least for us, was easy: Does it make sense to feel guilty/be ashamed of something you wanted to do?

It didn’t. I don’t know how many times another society member and I would be doing something and one of us would say, “You know we shouldn’t be doing this, right?”

And the other would respond, “Yeah, I know…” and things kept right on going. Were we ignorant of the risks? No… well, perhaps ignorant of all the possible risks but, again, the only one any of us were concerned with was not getting caught having sex with another boy. The need for secrecy was important because all it took was for the wrong guy to find out that you were a “fag” and the word would spread faster than wildfire and you’d be subjected to just how fucking evil and brutal some kids could be.

Nobody wanted to deal with this aspect of growing up and especially for this reason so the society remained… under cover? Not all that widely “advertised?” If you didn’t need or want to know, you just weren’t gonna know who was a member of the society and who wasn’t. Today we say that what you suspect is one thing but what you can prove is something else… but within young peer groups? You didn’t have to be suspected of anything to get “outed” as being a fairy or some other derogatory term.

Once you get a reputation for something – and even if you did nothing to earn it – “fixing” it was pretty much impossible. Despite that – and in my local chapter – the society flourished and we learned some shit about sex that, of course, we weren’t supposed to know about but, as I began to suspect, it was known that we were gonna find out about it. We weren’t supposed to experiment with sex, let alone in the boy/boy way of things but it wasn’t unexpected. Wasn’t allowed but you only got in trouble if you got caught and sometimes if too many people were running their mouth and word got back to those who would seriously take you to task for disobeying the order not to do that… or, in rare cases, being dumb or careless enough to get caught or letting it be known you were a member of the secret society.

Society members would come and go (seriously, no pun intended) while the more die-hard of us stayed the course and, often, more so because trying to talk your way into a girl’s panties wasn’t even close to being easy – and some girls preferred to do it to each other before letting some boy with his nasty, scary, and horrible cock do it to them. The way girls were made to be traumatized before they even gave a single thought to having sex was, well, I still shake my head over some of the things I’ve heard that women were told.

So because of this, the secret society remained. Faces changed. Some guys “resigned” from the society and regretfully so in order to do what men are supposed to do – meet a girl, fall in love with her, marry her, have babies – all that stuff.

I’d say that at the height of the great prejudice aimed at homosexuals, it became a great necessity for the secret society to be even more secret. It wasn’t just the few gay guys among us that had to worry – all of us who were going both ways had to worry; the older we all got, the more… vicious people one could come across and they were to be avoided at all costs since a lot of them would be of a mind to do you bodily harm.

Yeah… pretty sure I don’t – or didn’t – know anyone who liked to be bullied and made to fight or even get their ass kicked to even being suspected of being a society member. And I’d like you to keep in mind that this was, for me, between 1964 and perhaps through 1974… or thereabouts. The social angst was still very much on homosexuals, which allowed bisexuals to keep flying under the radar and, as I’ve said time and time again, not without good reason.

What makes me scratch my head a lot these days is that call for all bisexuals to come out and be known… when we still live in a society that isn’t exactly kind to those who aren’t straight – and homosexuals “won” a long and hard fought battle to be recognized like everyone else is… and suffered many casualties of war in the process. It makes me scratch my head to see those “you all gotta come out” people insisting on it even when it’s explained to them how inherently bad it can be and the potential to suffer losses that, well, are intolerable like family and friends. That faction insists that because we ain’t feeling that as an entire demographic group, well, we’re not real. We don’t really exist. We’re invisible.

But the secret society has always been invisible and not really as a matter of course but out of necessity since, again, those of my generation know all too well what happened to anyone who was outed as being gay. Not bi. Gay. Because people are, sorry to say this, stupid. Ignorant. Totally and completely clueless and narrow-minded beyond belief.

Let me get this straight: There’s a faction out there who want you to stand up and literally paint a target on yourself so that those who ain’t fans of anyone who isn’t straight can take pot-shots at you? So that the opinions others have of you can go from good to so bad it ain’t even funny? So you can be subjected to a great deal of sexual prejudice?

No wonder the secret society is secret; unless you want or need to know, you’re not gonna know because just like anything else connected with sex, what the society does ain’t none of your fucking business… unless you wanna join but that, unfortunately, can be difficult since many of the society’s membership don’t exactly go around letting everyone know they’re a member of the society.

We don’t look “the type” because we look just like everyone else and, as I’ve said, you could be standing next to a member of the society and not even know it unless they want you to know it. People see this as a problem when it’s pretty much business as usual for the Society of Really Horny Motherfuckers and, yes, indeed, some of the members are female.

What… you thought it was a boys-only thing? Silly you!

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Why Group Sex?

I’ve heard this question a lot: Why is it that when someone is bisexual, the first thing they think of is a threesome (or some other form of group sex)? A lot of people hear “threesome” and get pretty freaked out about it and, yep, some hear it and they’re all for it. Some of this is all about how they believe sex is supposed to be done – one-on-one and definitely no witnesses and for many, group sex is pretty scary and for some can conjure up some even more scary shit in their mind and, sure, being self-conscious about some stuff will lend itself to avoiding any kind of group sex like the plague.

But is there a reason for this group sex thing? I think there is and I don’t expect anyone to agree with what I’m about to say but for a lot of people – including bisexuals – participating in group sex is the ultimate in sexual expression. One of the things I learned early on was that when one says, “Okay… I’m bisexual!” it almost literally opens their mind about sex, going from what it’s supposed to be and expanding to include all of the possibilities… and group sex is one of them.

It’s not so much to put their bisexuality on display as it is a chance to put their changed attitude and thoughts about sex not only on display but being able to shed their previous thoughts about having sex and as proof that they’re as open about sex as they think and even feel that they are.

Now, it’s not that all bisexuals want to try this on for size; not all bisexuals will bring the subject up but a lot do think and fantasize about it. It’s kinda “forbidden” in that “sex is only between two people” way and many people say that until you’ve had some kind of group sex, you really haven’t had sex. Opinions in this differ, of course, and many people ain’t feeling this because, just like everything else in sex, there are horror stories out the wazoo about how these things go wrong and sometimes terribly wrong.

Well, that’s usually because we don’t know how to have sex with more than one person and, yes – you actually have to learn how to. For some it’s “easy” while for others, well, to say “not so much” is a gross understatement. Between what we believe about having sex, our experiences and, yup, the horror stories, being a participant in group sex is, again, pretty scary for a lot of people and even for those who’d say, “I’d try it, but…” and following the “but” is a long list of why they wouldn’t, from believing “it’s not right” to being very self-conscious thinking about their bodies… and the fact that there’s going to be other people watching them being vulnerable having sex.

Shudder. The horror of it all. What are people gonna think about me? Well, on that one, um, unless you or someone else kisses and tells, how is anyone else gonna find out? But the concern is valid since it’s said that people who have sex like this are sluts and dogs and shamefully so. I know a lot of people who will tell you straight up how much they love sex… but mention group sex to them… and watch them backpedal.

Let me get this out of the way and I’m going to also say that I’m not even trying to offend anyone so don’t take this the wrong way but a lot of women will not get into group sex because of their fear of being raped and, yes, I’ve heard women say this and it is understandable because one guy going at them is okay… but two or maybe more guys? Oh, hell, no! What are guys like in this? Well, there’s the “homo” thing and then given how territorial we are about the pussy, eh, sharing it with some other dude? Not gonna happen. Then add on any concerns they might have about their dick and performance issues and, yeah – not gonna do that.

So, in a lot of ways – and ya still might not agree – group sex is a test of one’s true desire and love of having sex… and many people find that they don’t love it as much as they say they do. We are made to be inhibited about sex and it’s not a coincidence that when some folks have their inhibitions removed – and you can surely blame it on the alcohol in most cases – finding themselves in a pile of bodies “all of a sudden” sounds like a fun thing to do and turns out to be a lot of fun… until they sober up and their inhibitions slam back into place.

Some are mortified beyond belief and some manage to grudgingly accept that when they get cronked, um, yeah – ain’t no telling what they might do. Again, some pretty scary shit and more so when they remember everything that took place and, shit, how wild and uninhibited they were and, yep, sometimes, they did some stuff that, if they weren’t all cronked up, they wouldn’t do for all the tea in China.

Personally, I’ve had people ask me, “How can you do that shit?” A couple of reasons (really a few of them). One, I grew up with it. Two, I don’t have much in the way of inhibitions to get rid of and by any means. Three, um, er, I really love sex that much so the more, the merrier and even more so when things turn into a huge no holds barred, free for all where everyone in the mix is fair game and whatever happens, happens.

And no regrets whatsoever. No embarrassment. Don’t know the meaning of the word “shame.” Well, okay, I do know the meaning of the word – I just don’t feel any shame. We’re supposed to have sex but we do get shamed to death about it and in a whole lot of ways.

“Dude, you are one freaky motherfucker!” I’ve been told and I’ve said, “Yep, I sure am…” but to me, it’s not being freaky – it’s just me enjoying having sex and with a lot of other people in attendance, both watching and participating. It’s fun and, yep, sometimes it isn’t and I’ve seen sessions go very badly and there are a slew of reasons why they do but at the top of the list, in my opinion, is that we never learn how to do this… and we don’t learn because we’re not supposed to know how to do it.

Shit, some of us are funny about having sex with just one person. Still, a lot of people are of a mind that when a bisexual brings up a group sex thing, it’s because they went from plain vanilla to a super freak in the sheets when that’s not really the case since a lot of bisexuals still wouldn’t go there for any reason. It’s just the “next” form of sexual expression; it’s “proof” that you’re really free and liberated from what everyone else thinks sex is supposed to be and how it’s supposed to be done. For many, a threesome is about sharing that liberation and sexual expression.

Even among those who participate as a matter of course, there are usually rules of engagement that sometimes turns a good idea into a not so good one; I’ve seen so many limit what can be done and who can do what and while this makes sense, it kinda doesn’t since, once more in my opinion, you’ve removed one set of inhibitions in order to enforce and employ a different set of inhibitions and, as I’ve observed too many times, discounting how shit can happen in the heat of the moment and when it’s not expected to happen. I say again that there are a lot of people who really do believe that shit ain’t ever supposed to happen… and it better not happen.

Insecurities, jealousy, envy, possessiveness, self-consciousness and even a very inflexible view of thinking where sex is concerned. There are those who would literally give you the shirt off their back… but they’d never share themselves in sex and for couples, hell, no – this is my pussy/dick and I ain’t sharing it with anybody.

The topic makes a lot of people feel some kind of way and I do tell newbie bisexuals that, depending on the person they’re with (or who they hang around with), eh, you might not want to mention it or bring it up unless you’re fairly sure you can do it without winding up being tarred and feathered. What if someone else brings it up? Okay, that takes any pressure off of you where bringing it up goes and, if nothing else, you can say that you’re all for it… or you aren’t. And you should always be aware of the fact that you don’t have to engage in any form of group sex if you don’t want to.

Some say that for bisexuals, group sex is a sort of rite of passage and further proof of their bisexuality and I don’t necessarily disagree with that. Again, I know that being bisexual – or otherwise finding yourself sexually liberated – just allows one to slip their sexual chains and opens up a lot of the possibilities that we’re not supposed to get into. I’ve said that bisexuality changes one’s views about sex – because it really does. Still, for some, some… inhibitions remain in place; sex is still only to be done one-on-one, no witnesses, no other participants. Just ain’t ever gonna go down like that. Too private. Ain’t nobody else’s business. The usual stuff and that can also include any situations that might have gone badly for some reason.

It’s too easy to assume that if the shit went bad that first time, it’s always gonna go bad and, sure, it might… and it might not and, yes, some have had a bad first experience with this but have gone on to discover that, if anything, that first time was a fluke of sorts. At the end of any day, it’s really about how much you really and truly enjoy sex and having an understanding of what your own inhibitions are and why you have them… and then being able to get rid of them so you can engage in and enjoy a form of sex that is just as old as humanity is.

It’s just not an easy thing for a lot of people to do. You not only have to want to do it – you have to learn how to do it and even then a lot of people carry with them that list of what they’re not ever gonna do when it comes to sex, whether it’s one-or-one or the infamous “drunken orgy.” Even in this, everything is negotiable.

For bisexuals, it’s a test. I’ve said that having the sex this way is a serious test for a lot of bisexuals and this group sex thing is an even bigger test. Some pass with flying colors. Many do not and because they may have changed their sexuality but not the way they look at sex specifically and generally. Some folks are aware of the power of sex and how it can unlock some shit about them that they’d rather not have unlocked and, believe me, that’s some very scary shit. Some folks aren’t aware of the power of sex and/or they believe that they can always exert control over sex’s power.

And many find out that they really can’t. Hidden things get unlocked. Vulnerabilities get exposed and even one’s skill and ability to perform can have a bright light shined on it. Group sex will test your limits; it’ll test your sensibilities; it will expose you in ways that a lot of people just do not ever want to be exposed.

And then you have the people like me. Someone says, “Let’s all get naked and have sex!” and chances are I’ll be the first one naked and raring to go. Let’s do this. Don’t worry about this shit you “normally” worry about. Let’s get naked and explore the possibilities with each other and have fun doing it. It’s not about being careless in that sense – it’s really about being able to enjoy sex in a way that tends to make a whole lot of people soil themselves… and even bisexuals.

It’s not for everyone and I’m not ever gonna bullshit you about that. You gotta have a certain… mindset about sex and you pretty much have to be fearless in this. People, if they should find out that you did this, are gonna look at you with either great disdain… or with a lot of awe. They might jump all in your ass for doing such a heinous thing… or they’re gonna be very jealous that you’re able to do something that they can’t do.

“Shit… I’d never do that shit…” is, again, something I’ve heard time and time again. “You gotta be some kind of fucked up in the head to do that shit!” and I’ve heard this one, too, but, ah, last night, me and a bunch of other people had sex – what did you do last night?

It tends to crack me up to hear people talk about how they’re all wild and all that when having sex… but they can’t or won’t have group sex… and for some, the thought of having a bisexual in the mix just fucks with their head too much. What scares some people about this? It’s usually because bisexuals aren’t limited in their ability to sexually express themselves – but it never means that they’re not in control of themselves. In a MFM threesome and one guy is straight? Oh, yeah – chances are that both guys are going to be very, very worried about anything happening between them and even incidental contact can cause some issues. Do women worry about that when the threesome is FMF or even FFM? Some do… and some don’t so much.

It’s all about what you think sex is supposed to be like and how it’s “always” supposed to be done. Bisexuals? We don’t tend to think in those terms but, again, some of us still do. Just because this form of sexual expression might get unlocked doesn’t mean that it absolutely and positively has to happen – and it usually doesn’t, for the most part. And if it does, it’s just like any other kind of sex in that it’s only going to be as good as you’re willing to make it for yourself and whoever else happens to be with you.

I’ve been in a lot of very controlled and scripted group sex; I’ve also been in a lot of “we don’t need no stinkin’ rules!” situations where everyone is fair game and if you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. I’ve seen guys suck cock who’ve never done it before; I’ve seen women get seriously up close and personal with other women, too. I’ve seen people have more fun than they’ve ever experienced before… and I’ve seen people just not have a good time with this form of expression.

Bisexuals get their head handed to them because group sex just seems to be so “automatic” when, again, while some bisexuals do think about it, it doesn’t always happen because, duh, you still have to be able to convince other people that this is gonna be fun and there’s nothing to worry about.

Good luck with that one. There is some very human shit one has to be able to get past and beyond to be able to engage in any form of group sex. Some people can. Many just can’t and regardless to their sexuality.

That’s just the reality of this. A lot of people dream and fantasize about this… and that’s as far as it’s going to go. A lot of people actually throw it down like this and especially those in poly families (and how well do I know that). It just makes sense to not only have sex one-on-one but to have it as a group since, in a poly family, you’re really and truly in this thing together so having sex with each other as a group, well, it makes sense for everyone to be able to enjoy everyone else in a nice hot and sweaty pile of bodies. Even in this, people are usually only going to do that which agrees with their sensibilities… but, yeah, some other… stuff might jump off and “simply” because it should jump off.

Just really a matter of how you’re willing and able to sexually express yourself and, yeah, if you can do this without being fearful of getting your head handed to you, why the hell not? If you can get rid of your fears and inhibitions and rethink what sex is and see it for what it can be, you might be good to go.

And if you can’t, then you just can’t. No shame in this. You gotta learn how to have sex in this way and not everyone can learn it. Not everyone can manage to leave their inhibitions at the door and, again, not every bisexual is that sexually liberated. And, yeah, I have the nerve to say that if you tried it before and it wasn’t all that, well, why not try it again? I know why most people won’t and that’s because once we deem something to be bad, we will always see it as bad even when we’re astute enough to understand that the conditions that existed at that time we didn’t have a good time won’t be exactly the same or, to simplify, that was then.

This is now. Nope… not trying to convince anyone to do something they can’t or won’t do; I’m just the guy who tries to explain this group sex thing where bisexuals are concerned and that you don’t have to be bisexual to enjoy sex this way.

It helps, though, even because of the way one now thinks about sex. My bisexuality took everything I was taught about sex and threw it away and I learned some new ways to have sex and to express myself in this way. Lots of good times… and probably more than my fair share of not so good times. But that’s just how sex tends to go for all of us. One-on-one? Sure, we can do that. Do it as a group? Okay – I’m game if you are! No shame. Not much in the way of inhibitions. Pretty much fearless. Carefree but not careless. It’s “just sex” and in one of the many ways we – humans – can have and enjoy it… if we can learn to have it and enjoy it.

There are rules about having sex… and a whole lot of people – and regardless to sexuality – say, “Fuck the rules – let’s get naked and do this!” and because it’s fun… and it’s sex.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: “What Am I Doing Wrong?”

There isn’t a day that goes by when I’m on the forum and I don’t see someone wondering why they are having such a hard time having the sex they’re craving as a bisexual. Guys are asking about the best apps to use and more so since Craigslist shut that avenue down and, from what I hear, places that are trying to fill that void don’t seem to be doing all that well.

They wanna know where other men hang out – bookstores with glory holes, bathhouses, places like that and these places exist in some places and don’t in others. You’d think that this would be kinda simple to find like-minded individuals who have the same goal as you do: Having the sex. Except, it’s never been easy or as simple as thinking, “Well, if I’m bisexual and they are, too, then we should be able to do something!”

Again, I point to my own and early experiences to make a point, that being, for us it really was as easy as asking another guy a couple of questions: Have you ever done it with another boy… and do you wanna do it with me? If yes, then it was on but if no, eh, okay – you sure you’re not gonna change your mind?

But then people get older, become more wary and leery about things and if this doesn’t stop someone dead in their tracks in this pursuit, they become… picky. Very picky. And sometimes so much so that there isn’t a human on the planet anywhere who could meet their requirements and many have a lot of requirements and conditions. Tack on a great need for discretion, which is a good thing since most bisexuals don’t ever want to get outed and it limits the number of people “available” to have sex with since being discrete can be taken to extremes as well and as evidenced by the number of people who won’t even let another person know that they’re interested in them and even when the mutual interest is sometimes very obvious.

Then there’s the casual sex versus relationship sex rift that makes it damned near impossible for a lot of bisexuals who need the sex to get it and, yeah, toss the disease card onto the table and things get even more iffy. There are times when I see both men and women just “sitting on their asses” and as if they’re waiting for the right person to magically appear and, to make matters worse, they’re not really putting forth any effort to find someone, oh, like getting an app and signing up… and then not really trying to engage the membership or, if they do, shit – so many fakes and flaky people that makes it too much like work.

Many are, indeed, risk-adverse and even more worry about being rejected out of hand. Now, I admit that I don’t know a whole lot about how women go about this but I do know how guys go about it and some of the things I’ve seen are such that it makes me say that we make this harder than it has to be. Many of us will “engage” with a guy and proffer our laundry list of what we want to do and what we ain’t gonna do. Many get “hit” on by really aggressive guys who are very pointed in what they want and what they expect you do to and if you’re not gonna drop whatever you’re doing to accommodate them in the next ten minutes, you ain’t shit and now you’re the flakey fake.

It’s not that women don’t have their own issues in this because they do and women can be very picky about who they wanna get naked with although I’ve been of a mind here of late that men make women look ridiculously easy in this regard. But, as I’ve said many times, women want someone they can relate to at the emotional level and if that can be established, the sex isn’t that big of a deal so much. And while men are also trying to do things this way, well, shit – a lot of other men aren’t trying to hear anything that has to do with that desired emotional connection; let’s just get naked and do something, jeez! You act like we’ve got all the time in the world to establish an emotional connection that will allow us to feel comfortable enough to have sex!

I’ve said time and time again that there are many of us who set the bar so high that we become the unreachable and unattainable. We want it the way we want it and we’re not accepting any substitutions or deviations from what we want and, yeah, who we want it from. Even when I’ve asked people, “What’s the minimum thing a person has to meet in order to have sex with you?” I’ve often heard a list of things that isn’t all that different from their “normal” requirements. I’ve had people push back against having a minimal set of requirements because, again, they want what they want and in the exact way they want it; it’s their right to do this and they don’t have to change anything in this regard… because they don’t have to.

And, usually, they’re not going to… even when you can point out to them how high they’ve set the bar and, as a result, how impossible they’ve made it to get the sex they want and need. Then they become despondent, disillusioned, and frustrated and in many situations I’m aware of, it’s everyone else’s fault except theirs.

When I chat with my protege about this – and even he has his own set of gripes and complaints about this, I always tell him that the one thing a lot of do wrong is giving more weight and importance to what we want to do and not so much consideration to what we can do and even then what’s the least thing we are willing to do and then can we be satisfied with the least.

He likes to ask me why there aren’t more men willing to just whip their dicks out and suck each other dry and I tell him that some guys aren’t cock suckers and for some that’s just foreplay and not the main thing, so on and so forth. I keep asking him a question – what happens when two tops get together? And then I give him the answer: Nothing. But now it’s an exercise for him to tell me why nothing happens. You’d think that, at the very least, two tops – or even two bottoms – can get together and blow each other’s brains out, right? And it could happen…

But it probably won’t. Again, I don’t know how women deal with this and mainly because they don’t wanna talk about it… but I know that men have totally and completely mind fucked themselves about the whole top/bottom thing and have stringently defined these roles so much that, say, just getting together to suck each other off is a difficult thing to do.

Not all men suck cock. Not all men are into anal sex. Likewise, not all women eat pussy or are into tribbing. The general perception is that this is always true and, I’ve thought, based upon how gay folks are “known” to do and the glaring thing, in my opinion, is that, um, no – we, as bisexuals, aren’t gay despite being able to have sex that way.

Men rift about reciprocation. It’s either needed or not so much. It’s expected or you’d better not even think about asking for reciprocation. Even I will tell a guy that if he’s not gonna suck my dick, I’m not going to be of a mind to suck his because why should he be the only one having that particular bit of fun? You wanna bone me in the butt? Well, fella, if you’re not gonna bend over and grab your ankles, too, how much fun do you think that’s gonna be for me?

What we do wrong is pay more attention to what we want to do and what we’re not ever gonna do for anyone or for any reason. What we do wrong is that we don’t want to put forth the effort to be the hunter and the hunted; very few of us have a minimum set of requirements and even fewer of us are willing to literally negotiate things.

What we do wrong is make this harder than it has to be. Let’s not make any mistakes here: We all learn what we like and what we don’t like but we’re human in that we’re more likely to stay with that which we like and avoid that which we don’t like… even if we’ve never done that particular thing. We talk about the fluidity of bisexuality… but not so much about the flexibility that’s also inherent in this. In this, many of us are quite rigid and, I think, a lot of us don’t really rethink what we know about sex – again, the way it’s supposed to be versus the way it can be.

It doesn’t mean that someone has to be willing and able to do it all but, again, men have boxed themselves into a corner with the top/bottom thing and have very rigidly defined these roles and to the point where a lot of tops will reject those bottoms are more… girly in their sexual mannerisms and there are bottoms who aren’t fans of really assertive or aggressive tops. And we do go about this – any of this – like it’s impossible to change our minds about something. It really is… frustrating to be an avid cock sucker and find yourself with a guy who doesn’t ever want his cock to be sucked; some don’t even want you to touch their cock. They don’t like that. It ruins things for them. They’ve convinced themselves that it’s their whole reason to be to give the pleasure and never to receive it.

Even in negotiations we’ll ask each other what we’re into which makes sense but, more often than not, a lot of deals get broken and negotiations break down because we never talk about what we’re willing to do and even if we tack on a condition or two like, “I’d like to get to know you better before I let you blow/fuck me…” It’s not that there aren’t guys who’d be okay with this – it’s the number of guys who aren’t okay with this. They want what they want right now or, in their minds, that getting into each other more thing ain’t working for them because in much of this, time is the enemy more than it’s a friend.

What we do wrong is not make it easier to have sex with each other. It’s okay to have that list of what you’re not gonna do but it’s also okay to have that list and make some exceptions and along the lines of, “With the right person (or situation) I might do (add something here).” If you go about this with a high degree of inflexibility, chances are you’re not gonna get the sex you want and need. What’s the least thing you’re willing and able to do? Most people can’t answer that question because, I guess, habitually, we go for max effort and max results.

A lot of bisexuals are going to remain frustrated and disillusioned until they fully realize that the reason why they’re frustrated and disillusioned is because very few people – including themselves – are willing to make it easy to have the sex… but they are willing to make it hard to get someone – and themselves – into bed. You can point this out and a lot of people will say, “Yeah, but…” and you’re just not going to convince them that making themselves more available or getting out there and do more hunting so they can also be hunted and even having a minimum set of requirements is going to be in their best interest.

A lot of bisexuals say that other people are stopping them from being able to explore their sexuality and this is, sadly, very valid. But the person who’s really stopping them is… themselves. For the man or woman who really wants to know what oral sex is like on the other side of the fence? What are you willing to do in order to experience this? What are your expectations? What things, in your mind, are non-negotiable? Do you have issues with casual sex and by this I mean do you believe that doing it just to be doing it doesn’t mean anything?

And if you’re not getting any like this, well, why aren’t you? Are you pointing the finger at everyone who might be out there? Are you not looking at how you’re going about things or, perhaps, willing to admit to yourself that you’ve set the bar way too high? And, importantly, have you considered that there are a lot of other people out there who have set their own bars impossibly high?

To the question of, “What am I doing wrong?” the answer might be that you, right along with a whole lot of other people, are just making this harder than it has to be.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Is It Gay?

Growing up, er, um, yeah – a lot of us guys wanted to do the sex thing we were told to avoid at all costs and specifically with each other. We, for the most part, ignored both things. We were told about sissies, faggots, and queers and the word “gay” meant “happy and carefree” as far as we knew but we’d later learn that “gay” meant “homosexual.”

Well, okay, if you say so. What I know is that while we were aware of the negative words (and a lot more than the ones I wrote already), eh, most of us didn’t care about that while others didn’t want to be targeted as being a sissy, faggot, or queer which was a reality and a concern since, kids being kids, all it took was for someone to say you were a faggot and you were in for a lot of grief… and even if the accusation wasn’t true.

Funny and somewhat random thoughts about this. Every so often a guy would be keen to do it but they’d say, “Don’t stick it in too far!” I didn’t know about the other guys but I assumed that this request would be made because everyone knew that when you stick your dick in somebody’s butt, it was gonna hurt… but I was finding out that this wasn’t the only reason and as illustrated by a time when a friend and I were gonna do it, he said not to stick it in too far (and as he always said) but added, “I don’t wanna be a faggot!”

It was confusing since we all knew that if a boy did it to another boy, that meant you were a faggot and whether you stuck it all the way in or not. The funny part was that among the guys who didn’t want it stuck in too far, they still wanted to be screwed even though, again, we were learning about things homosexual – sissy, faggot, and/or queer… but were we really those things? The question would come up because except for one guy we knew of for sure, the rest of us would do it to a girl quick, fast, and in a hurry and even then we could see that some guys, if they couldn’t get a girl to do it to, they knew there were plenty of guys they could do something with.

Bisexual? Didn’t even know the word existed but we heard about switch-hitters, playing for both sides, batting from both side of the plate and a few more I can’t remember off the top of my head. A lot of us knew we fit the description and a lot of us didn’t care because just being able to do the nasty to and with anyone just worked.

Even for those guys who didn’t want it stuck in too far. Now, by the time I’d say that “all of us” were shooting the dreaded baby-making stuff, some guys would be eager to suck on your dick… as long as you didn’t shoot the stuff into their mouth. I didn’t think it was so much because it made you a sissy et al… it, um, yeah – it’s an acquired taste but one a lot of us thought was better than, say, eating liver or brussel sprouts.

So along the way a guy would want to blow you as long as you didn’t shoot in his mouth but we seemed to pick up on something, that being if you didn’t shoot it in a guy’s mouth, you could shoot it in his butt… as long as you didn’t stick it in too far. Some guys were content to just have you stick it between their butt cheeks and do it to them that way – it’s call frotting these day – and sometimes a guy would lie on his back and let you hump him like that until stuff got shot. While some guys preferred to be able to stick it in, eh, it was still doing the nasty and there just wasn’t anything more fun and exciting than to be doing the nasty.

Decades later I’d wind up learning more stuff about guys who were like me, willing and able to do it with a guy or a gal… but some guys were really funny about it. Oh, they’d want to do it but would stop short of cumming and the reason seemed to be that if you did it with a guy but no cum was involved, it wasn’t gay.

Wait, what? That “don’t stick it in too far” thing from the early days made a lot more sense that this did since, by now, myself and a whole lot of guys knew that if a dude had sex with a dude, it was gay sex. It didn’t mean that you were gay but that was the assumption… and it still is because, as everyone knows, only gay men have sex with other men. Except…

I wasn’t gay. I knew I wasn’t. Had proved it more times that I would care to admit to. I even knew that I didn’t “like” guys in the way that a lot of gay guys I knew did. We could be friends and friends enough to want to have sex with each other… wasn’t gonna be your boyfriend, though, and there was no way in hell I was gonna give up having sex with girls just to only have sex with guys.

I was becoming much more aware of something I say a lot these days: Perception versus truth… and no one really wants to be bothered with the truth so much. If you’re a dude and you have sex with a dude, you’re gay; if you’re a chick and have sex with a chick, you’re a lesbian. Hell, if you even looked at another guy, say, in a locker or shower room, you were mostly certainly gay. Someone could accuse you of being gay and you could tell them about every time you had sex with a woman… and they wouldn’t believe you even if you told them to go ask the woman; they’d just assume that she’s lying to help you cover up the fact that you were really gay.

I was quickly learning how stupid some people could be and that they’d rather wallow in their ignorance than to deal with the truth that I was bisexual and a lot of men and women were as well. Not one or the other: Both. But it was worse in that once you were tagged as being gay, well, you obviously were spending a lot of time being fucked in the ass by other guys but, um, no one really said that if you were fucking another guy, you were gay.

No – you were only gay if you were the one being fucked and sucking cock just made you even gayer. But if you were the one being sucked, well, no one would say that you were gay and to me, that didn’t make any sense and it still doesn’t since, even today, there are a lot of people who believe this to be true… including “straight” guys who’d let another guy blow and finish them off and will tell you in no uncertain terms that they’re not gay and they’re not bi.

I’d run into guys occasionally who’d say, “We should go somewhere and suck each other’s cock… but I’m not gay, okay?” Well, wait a minute: If guys having oral sex with each other is considered to be gay/homosexual – and it most certainly is – why would you even say what you did and in the way you did? I was reading between the lines a lot to gain an understanding that some guys didn’t really think or believe it was gay to blow each other silly… but it was definitely gay if any fucking was mentioned and, specifically, being the one with a dick in your ass.

Even funnier were the guys who’d declare that they weren’t gay but, sure, go ahead and stick it in me and fuck me… just don’t stick it in too far and/or don’t cum in me. Why? Again, it’s because if you don’t cum, it’s not gay and even more so, it didn’t mean anything – it would be like it never happened. I really did have a guy tell me, one night, that he very much wanted to blow me but don’t “bust a nut in my head” and before I could say, “Okay…” he said I couldn’t do that because to him, that was very gay and he wasn’t gay.

But sucking my dick isn’t? That didn’t, by the way, stop him from busting a nut in my head but, then again, I never had a problem with it. Knew it was gay and all that but I was learning that the bottom line – and no matter what kind of sex you wanted to call it – it was just and merely sex.

I read in a book that once one gets a reputation, it’s almost impossible to get rid of it even if you didn’t really do anything to get that reputation… and “being gay” got a reputation a very long time ago and almost every attempt to diss the reputation of being gay – when you knew good and damned well you weren’t – wasn’t impossible but it was pretty damned difficult.

Or like I told a guy one day, “You want proof that I’m not gay? Go get your woman and bring her back here… and watch what I’m gonna do to her. The funny part? He said that it didn’t prove that I wasn’t gay and that I’d screw his old lady just to prove him wrong. Just more proof that once someone makes up their mind about something, good luck trying to convince them that they’re believing something that isn’t true.

By the way, I’m pretty sure he really believed that I wasn’t gay since he wasn’t of a mind to be provided with the proof he was originally insisting on which, honestly, was shame because his lady was pretty hot. It was becoming more apparently that people just didn’t want to know the truth, that not everyone who had sex in the same-sex mode wasn’t gay.

So, okay. If two dudes get together and have sex, it’s considered to be gay sex… and assumed that both guys are gay… and they may not be. Hell, one guy, again, could be up to his eyeballs in this and continue to insist that he’s straight.

I was learning that humans really are clinically insane. You know how we always insist that actions speak louder than words? Not in this. Don’t pay one bit of attention to what we’re doing – believe the words that are coming out of my mouth and those words are I’m not gay or bi. I’m straight, aight? You ready to go again or what?

I do understand why people get their panties in a bunch about labels and the great resistance to them because a whole lot of people really and truly believe that what they do is one thing… but what they think of themselves is a whole different thing and their actions do not really define anything. Okay… could a guy who thinks of himself as straight give me a blow job? Sure he could… but does it make sense for him to keep thinking that he’s straight? He’d tell you that it does… and I’m gonna look at him and think, “Okay, what planet did you come from where that is true?”

People are ranting and raving against bisexuality and insisting that all bisexuals are really gay when, duh, seriously? I’ve said time and time again that these people just overlook the fact that we’re straight, too, and those who know this accuse us of having some kind of privilege and even I have a hard time trying to figure out how my being straight – as well as gay when I’m doing something gay – is a privilege.

Ah, but I know why. It’s because we just cannot get out of our collective heads that if you do something gay, that means you’re gay and nothing you’re gonna say or do is going to change anyone’s mind about it. I also know that there was a time, oh, beginning somewhere in the late 1980s, where a lot of gay men turned to being straight acting; they’d date women and even get married and all for the purpose of not letting their real gayness be known which made sense given how homosexuals were getting their heads handed to them big time… and I’m being nice about that.

Bisexuals, however, aren’t straight-acting. We are straight… except when we aren’t. I know I could be seen giving my best friend a hug and someone will see us… and assume that one or both of us are gay and even if we’re doing the “A-frame” hug and, by the way, there’s a reason for that – the clasped hands between our bodies is a “barrier” against that which might be perceived as being gay. To find out more about this, you’d have to do some research about body language and the significance of certain things we do that we don’t usually think about, like crossing our arms and even crossing our legs when sitting.

Interesting shit. Still, if “Ted” had some kind of sex with “Al,” is it gay? By all definitions it is… doesn’t mean that either one of them are gay – we just believe this to be true. If “Grace” is seen in a serious lip lock with “Candance,” well, they’s lesbians… but they may not be. They may not even think of themselves in such terms but an observer will automatically assume they’re gay through and through.

We even take this shit further and say that if our hypothetical people (above) are in a relationship, that proves that they’re gay and not one thought or consideration will be given to the fact that, um, neither of them are gay. It just looks that way… and aren’t we quick to believe what we see and not of a mind to be bothered to find out what we’re looking at really means?

People hear “bisexual” and think “homosexual” and don’t give a fuck that they’re only partially right; um, did you miss the part where I’m straight, too? Once homosexuality got the bad rep, it was a wrap. Straight is good. Gay is very bad. No such animal as a bisexual or someone who really does go both ways because it’s so implausible that anyone would want to go both ways and, as such, they must be gay. The have to be.

Because that’s the thing that makes themselves comfortable. We’ve long since gotten comfortable with “you’re either straight or gay” and we believe it so much that, sure, bisexuals just fuck up everything one believes in this – seriously, who does that? Isn’t it easier and better to pick a side and stay on it?

It is gay? Only when we’re doing something homosexual; otherwise, it isn’t. It’s not gay if it’s something you don’t do “all of the time,” right? Wrong. It’s still homosexual by definition. If you only do it when you can’t have “regular sex,” well, that doesn’t make it gay when you do it like that. Um, yes, it does and by definition, that would make you some kind of a bisexual… unless you say that you aren’t and we should believe what you say more than what you’re doing – and regardless to why you’re doing it in the first place.

“Don’t stick it in too far because I don’t wanna be a faggot!” Well, um, what would make you faggot, how far the dick gets stuck in… or the fact that you wanted to have it done to you in the first place? And if you do, does it really mean that you’re a sissy, faggot, queer or, gasp, gay?

No, it doesn’t. You are whatever you say you are and if you say you’re none of the above, well, you’re none of the above… but it’s still perception versus truth and the truth may be that you’re not gay… but you’re not as straight as you want to believe you are and chances are good you’re gonna believe that because you’re expected, required, and demanded to be straight.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: One of the Biggest Problems

For the longest time I’ve been of a mind to think that when someone takes the plunge and things don’t go the way they envisioned them, well, what’s up with that? It should work, shouldn’t it? It’s supposed to work! Why didn’t it?

Lots of reasons why but the biggest one, in my most humble opinion, is expectation. Thinking and even believing that something is going to take place in the way you want it to, believe it should, even imagine that it should. Like a lot of bisexuals of my era, I learned some “painful” lessons when expecting something to happen the way I thought it would and by “‘painful,” I don’t mean literally; it’s quite the motherfucker to be both “unpleasantly” surprised and wholly disappointed.

My mom, one day and when I was in a very funky mood because something I had expected to happen didn’t happen, told me that if you don’t expect anything, you can’t be disappointed – that and things don’t always happen the way you want them to. Having had this knowledge laid upon me had me rethinking a lot of things… and especially sex with anyone and got expanded to include anyone you might have sex with regularly.

I understand the thought processes and it’s normal for us to give some thought about something and then project it forward to a particular outcome and, preferably, a good one but under the cover of “those who fail to learn from history,” well, hmm: We go about our lives using this process and knowing that it doesn’t always work the way we expect… but we keep doing things the same way until one eventually learns – and most of the time the hard way – that having expectations of any kind tends to set one up to fail more than it sets one up to succeed.

Us guys get all into that good and bad shit and mostly where blow jobs are concerned and women most certainly do the same thing… but what makes it bad? Things like technique and all that do contribute to something being seen as bad but it’s expectation that’s the real killer and that includes expecting – and assuming – that the person your with not only knows how to do something, they also know how you want and expect it to be done.

That all by itself got me into the habit of asking a bunch of questions that most people aren’t of a mind to want to answer. One woman, when I asked the questions, responded by saying, “You’re supposed to know all that!” My response was, “I know how to make love; what I don’t know is how to make love to you.”

You should have seen the look on her face; it said to me that she never gave a single thought to this and, if you’re wondering, no: She didn’t tell me and it was yet another lesson in what happens when you leave someone to their own devices. More often than not, what’s gonna happen isn’t going to be what you expected.

Guys often get totally disillusioned and disappointed – again, when giving/getting head – because there’s an expectation of how it’s to be done that is kinda/sorta unreasonable and more so with guys who are giving/getting head for the first time with another guy. We tend to rely on our past experiences and what has worked on/for us and what didn’t and while this is good information to have stored in your head, um, that was then… this is now. We know that not everyone who sucks dick does it the same way or is even consistent at doing it… and we often don’t give that a whole lot of thought. It’s not a problem if the roll of the dice just happens to meet one’s expectations – the problem comes when the expectations aren’t met and when they aren’t, disappointment is sure to follow and whatever happened is now deemed to be bad.

“Have you ever gotten a bad blow job?“

Not since I learned not to expect anything other than we’re about to get into it and even that, in some cases, might not be a given since people can and do change their minds even at the very last moment. I even went back and reviewed all of the times I’ve ever had my dick sucked and came to the conclusion that if I thought it was bad, it was usually because I was expecting to be all that; things like technique, again, do play into things but absent poor technique, yeah – I was guilty of expecting something then was bummed out when what I expected didn’t happen.

If someone wants to blow me, I really am very happy and grateful that they want to because they didn’t have to so right out of the gate, this is a good thing. I’d even go as far as to say that if I expect anything, it’s that they do the best they can do since even I had learned that all you can ever hope to do is the best you can do… and hope the other person is okay with that.

Sometimes they are… and not so much. We still tend to assume that both people involved do, in fact, know what they’re doing and sometimes we do that even when we know that the other person hasn’t done this before which is, again, another one of those lessons that teaches that thinking and doing really aren’t the same things. It’s one of the reasons why a lot of bi guys, for their first experience, often prefer to have it with someone who is also not so experienced since experienced guys tend to unreasonably expect a newbie to know what to do when they’ve been told that this is the other guy’s first time.

If you don’t expect anything, you can’t be disappointed. It’s is not unreasonable to want a good experience but, yeah, if you get it into your head that something is going to happen the way you expect it to, well, isn’t that a bit of a problem? I think it is and, again, it’s a lesson I learned via the hard way more than any other way. And it’s not just your expectations that can fuck things up: It’s the expectations of the other person, too. You’re gonna be dealing with their idea of what’s good and what isn’t and compounding the problem is that we can be weird when it comes to telling someone what’s gonna work on you and some people, well, don’t even think about trying to tell them how to do this… even if it’s your first time doing it.

Expectations will fuck up something that, absent them, could be more enjoyable and, sure, a little verbal “instruction” doesn’t hurt. Even when you’re dealing with someone who is experienced in things sexual, they know how to do stuff… what they don’t know is how to do them to you and, yep, we expect them to know this or even expect them to figure it out on the fly.

Looking at things from this perspective changes a lot of shit, I think. Do I know how to eat pussy? I do and I’ve had decades of experience. Do I expect that what worked the last time is gonna work the next time? Yeah… not doing that and, again, another of those lessons learned the hard way. I don’t expect it to work… but I’m gonna do my level best to make it work and that includes a coochie I’ve spent a lot of time eating.

“Are you overthinking this?“

Maybe… but I don’t think so and more so given the number of times I’ve been told what the other person was expecting and, most of the time, I had no idea what they were expecting and that’s because I didn’t ask… and because you’re not supposed to ask, I guess. And I am the one guy who will investigate those expectations, not just for the next time – and if there’s gonna be a next time – but to put into perspective how expectations do tend to fuck shit up and makes a sexual thing good or bad. Even trying to live up to someone else’s expectations can be a killer since you don’t know what’s going on inside their head at any given time.

Which is why communication is a very important thing… and something we don’t do a lot of. If you can get an idea of what it expected before the fact, that might go a long way to a more pleasurable outcome for one and all… but when you leave someone to their own devices, chances are you’re gonna be disappointed since your expectations weren’t reached, met, or even close to being exceeded in any way.

“How did you learn to deal with this?“

By taking things “one thing at a time” for the most part. We’ve agreed that we’re gonna do this and I know shit can happen to prevent it so if by some chance it doesn’t, well, I’m not disappointed. If it gets going and I’m the one sucking the dick (or eating the pussy), I’m gonna at least try everything I’ve ever learned in this to find what’s gonna work and what isn’t and I’m not opposed to being instructed. If the other person “goes first,” my only expectation is that they’re gonna do whatever they can do… or even want to do so let’s not dwell on any of that and do my best to enjoy whatever they have on their mind. Am I gonna think that the blow job was bad because I didn’t cum? No… because I learned that it’s not the only good part of things and I stopped expecting the other person to make me cum a long time ago because, duh, they don’t have to if they don’t want to and, sure, they could have started out with that in mind but then had reason to change their mind.

Do I get bent when someone I give head to doesn’t cum? I used to… and I stopped doing that. Sure, I want them to but I don’t expect them to because I’ve learned how much shit can happen that will make that not happen for them and, yep, sometimes it could be me… and it could be them and including whatever they were expecting.

I’ve learned that the best thing in any of this is that if you have any expectations, the one that should matter is that you both are gonna do the best you can and within your ability to do so… and if you’re of a mind to put forth your very best effort and with the understanding that, um, fuck, that might not be the case.

When it comes to the good/bad stuff, we tend to point to skill and technique but, I think, overlooking the one thing that drives skill and technique: Desire. Even I’ve learned that one can have kick-ass skill and technique but if they’re just phoning it in, well, hmm, that does kinda take some of the shine off of things. It’s not… bad but if the desire is there, well, doesn’t that make things better?

Depends on how you think about such things. I can sit and think of a lot of outcomes both good and “bad” and, again, you just can’t really stop thinking about things in these ways… but what I can do is not expect things to be good or bad until they’re proven otherwise and even then, there is, for me, the appreciation factor because we could have rejected each other and nothing at all happened.

What do I expect of myself? To do the best I can… because, realistically, it’s all I can do. I know – and painfully so – that my best might not be good enough for them or sometimes even myself. It’s said that nothing beats a failure but a try because not trying, well, that ain’t working… but it does often matter whether trying is good enough for someone who, at some point, is going to deem whether what you did – or tried to do – was good or bad and because of expectations.

People say, “Well, I have a right to expect it to be good!” and I don’t really disagree with that… I just don’t think – and experience has taught me – that it is, at best, unreasonable to expect someone to meet and/or exceed your expectations and more so when chances are, you don’t know what their expectations are, let alone whatever’s going on inside their head at any given moment. We worry about being good enough and that’s all about meeting the expectations of others and those we have set for ourselves.

And it’s okay to have them… just don’t count or rely on your expectations being able to match the reality of what happens and how it does. Do I expect the other person to do their best? Not really; I mean, I hope they do but, again, experience and hard lessons have taught me to not hang my hat on my hopes. Good or bad. Arbitrary. Depends on who you’re asking. People can only do what they’re capable of doing and sometimes they might not want to do that for some reason.

So it’s being able to make the best out of any situation and not seeing it as being good or bad in that sense because to really bottom-line it, they could have said no to any sex you were proposing. Even my mind might say, “Well, that could have been better…” because, after all, I am my own worse critic and even when I “do it right.” But the bottom line is always, “Did you have sex?” The answer is yes and if you got laid, well, that’s still a good thing, ain’t it? And ain’t it better than not being able to get laid at all?

I think so… but that’s me. Expectations wind up being the biggest problem in this and, I’ve found, prevents many of us from just being in the moment and in favor of an expected result… and don’t we tend to the same things over and over and expect a different result?

Yeah, we do…

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: “Do It to Me…”

As a bunch of hormone and sex-crazed boys, we pretty much found the answer to a question that none of us knew to ask: “What does it feel like to be screwed?” Some of us would be screwing a girl and she’d [hopefully] be enjoying it and she might say, “Do it to me…” and some guys, when we’d get together to gossip, would wonder why a girl would say that.

Well, um, there’s a way to find out… and even without the question being a “main concern,” any excuse we could come up with to do it to each other just worked. Giving each other blow jobs – with or without spunk – was a “default” thing to do; it was pretty automatic and, in later years when I’d think about that, it was clear to me that not only was it fun and it felt good, it was the easiest thing for a couple of guys to do and as I’ve said, we could do that pretty much anywhere and at any time.

But to have someone do it to you, well, that was very different and in a lot of us, having someone on top of us and humping us – with or without actual penetration – tended to evoke some pretty “strange” emotions and emotions that were shockingly familiar to those of us who were doing it to girls and, namely, it felt weirdly good.

I’ve heard a lot of guys ask the question and a lot have been “brave” enough to ask a girl what it felt like, only to have a girl not being able to explain it other than to say, “It feels good!” It’s an answer… but it doesn’t really answer the question and, again, later in life, I’d find that the reason why answering that question would get reduced to, “It feels good” was because there aren’t many words in the human vocabulary that can explain all the thoughts and feelings in play when one is being screwed.

Of course, it was “inconceivable” that boys would do it to each other which was a major contradiction in and of itself since, um, we were doing it to each other like there was no tomorrow. Sure… nasty and all that and we knew it which just added to making it feel good to do it. Admittedly – and without a whole lot of embarrassment – I’d have plenty of moments when someone was doing to me and it was comfortable and feeling good in ways my limited vocabulary couldn’t handle and I’d hear myself saying, “Do it to me…” which usually had the effect of the guy doing it to me to step up his efforts to make it feel even better.

The “weird” thing, of course, is that boys aren’t only supposed to fuck each other, they’re not supposed to know some shit about this that girls would know. Many of us found out what girls liked about having it done to them as well as what they didn’t like about it. We’d find out how it could make us feel when we didn’t really want to do it but, okay, let’s do it and one would find themselves going from not being happy about doing something they didn’t want to do in the first place… to finding themselves buried in all those wonderful feelings and then egging the guy on to keep doing it, don’t stop, just do it to me.

“I don’t see what the big deal is about it…“

A lot of guys have been heard to say this and justifiably so since in order to know what the big deal is, they’d have to experience it. Again, you could ask a guy who’d had it done to him and his explanation would wind up getting boiled down to, “It just feels good…” and leaving the inquirer with an answer that kinda doesn’t answer anything. I’d usually wind up telling a guy, “If you really wanna know, there’s only one way to find out…” and, well, they weren’t gonna do that and most of the time they weren’t because if they didn’t know anything else, they knew what everyone was saying about being screwed in the butt:

It hurts. And it does… at first. In later years, I’d equate it to getting a tattoo in that, at first, it hurts – and can hurt like a motherfucker depending on where you’re getting inked – but after a while, the pain of it goes away and is, at the worst, irritating and depending on one’s tolerance for pain. And, sure enough, for some folks, getting inked doesn’t hurt at all; hell, getting a splinter hurts more than getting inked does.

I often get a kick when guys on the forum are trying to describe to others how it feels to be fucked and mostly because I know how hard it is to put it into words – and without resorting to saying that it feels good since it kinda stands to reason that if it didn’t feel good, ya wouldn’t be doing that. Early on for me, I found it possible to lie there with a guy doing it to me and pay some attention to what I was feeling other than his dick in my ass and, holy shit, trying to make sense of all of the thoughts and feelings would just shut my brain down or, at the least, everything I was thinking and feeling would turn into a jumbled mess and not too dissimilar to trying to undo a huge ball of string that has a lot of knots in it.

There is just a lot of stuff going on when someone is doing it to you. Guys try to section out what part of it feels the best and while a lot of guys say that it’s indescribable to have in inside you and working your butt over, a lot of guys agree that the best part of it is when the other guy cums in you… and I don’t necessarily disagree with that. Being the overly curious person I was, oh, yeah, I was very much aware of this… but I didn’t know why and more so when ya knew that when the guy shot his stuff into you, it was gonna be game over for a few and signaled the end to the fun for the moment.

It goes from being… uncomfortable at first, to being very comfortable, and then to being uncomfortable again and in cycles but you learn to just relax through these moments and either ignore the discomfort or embrace it and use it to heighten your pleasure. A lot of guys, including myself, would say that things would get to a point where if there was one clear thought in your head, it was the point where you wanted him to cum; you not only wanted him to, you needed him to cum. And if he didn’t, couldn’t, took “too long” to do it or, son of a bitch – pulled out and shot it all over you, it could make you feel some kind of way that wasn’t all that good.

I know I’d feel… incomplete. The job was left unfinished. You mean to tell me you put me through all of that and didn’t do the one thing you were supposed to do? In today’s vernacular, “You had one job…”

It was – and probably still is – assumed that guys don’t have orgasms and, indeed, we’ve been of a mind that, for us, ejaculation and orgasm are the same things… and I can tell you that they aren’t. I’ve been in discussions with other guys about this and they’ve sworn that they’re the same thing and I’ve asked them, “Have you ever felt like you just came but found out that you didn’t?”

And if they said that they did I’d tell them, “That was an orgasm.” They’d disagree because “everyone” knows what an orgasm is supposed to feel like and boys just didn’t have them. There were a lot of times a guy would be doing it to me and it would get intense and then I’d think, “Did he just make me shoot?” – only to find out that I hadn’t… but it sure felt like it… and I’d have that feeling more than once, some pretty intense, some like a warm, fuzzy kind of feeling.

We didn’t know shit about prostate stimulation – we just knew that it could not only feel good but feel really good and even better when the other guy shot his jizz into you. Now, how you felt after the fact, well, that could be something else from being exuberant to thinking, shit, maybe I shouldn’t have done that and in that case, you almost wind up asking yourself if it felt good at all and you realize it did; still, many guys wouldn’t be able to look at it like this so if they felt shitty (no pun intended) after the fact, well, it didn’t feel good at all.

“What do you like about it… and what don’t you like?“

Well, if ya ask me, I liked everything about it… and didn’t like everything about it which sounds strange until you consider the other “common denominator” in this equation: The other guy. Some guys are good at it, some guys just aren’t. Some could make it feel incredibly good to have them doing it to you… and some guys could make you leave yourself a “note” to punch them in the face as soon as he let you up.

My protege, when we talked about this, said that he couldn’t get his head around the supposed pleasure many guys talk about when getting boned and I said to him that you have to find the pleasure in it; it’s not “just gonna happen” because you think it should and finding the pleasure in it begins with not paying a whole lot of attention of where the other guy’s cock is going. He had asked how I got past that part and I’d said that it occurred to me that other than a guy’s mouth, um, there was only one other place a guy could do it to another guy… and if you wanted him to do it to you, well…

What about that girly, bitchy feeling? That, too, is what it is and I can tell you that it doesn’t feel good since the social programming insists that it shouldn’t feel good because you’re not a girl. You learn, as I had to, that you either ignore it or embrace it, let it carry you away and for no other reason than it’s not supposed to and if you can, sure – you can find out almost exactly how women feel when you do it to them…

And it feels good. I’ve said that in these things, your body doesn’t care how it’s being pleasured… but your mind does and if you don’t find it enjoyable, it’s usually because you can’t convince your mind to “forget” all that “this ain’t supposed to happen” shit so that you can just let your body tell you how good it can feel.

Strangely good. Weirdly good. Maybe even “unnaturally” good. More so if you’re not really paying “that much attention” to the guy who has his dick in your ass but just thinking about having a dick in your ass which isn’t easy to do, either. It’s exciting and scarily so; you know what’s going to happen once you’re in position and you damned well know you shouldn’t be in that position in the first place. You feel his slick hardness press against that forbidden and nasty place and you don’t want it to go in… but you want it to go in. It’s gonna not feel good then it’s gonna stop not feeling good and now it’s about being immersed in your thoughts and feelings – both good and bad – as you wait patiently (or not) to notice the change in him when he’s about to cum, feel his dick swelling inside you, then feel it pumping away and sending your thoughts and feelings all over place, like the one time a guy was unloading in my butt and I had the very clear and weird thought, “He’s trying to make me pregnant!”

Felt good, too. Felt nasty. Wrong but right. You’re not gonna do this again but you can’t really wait to do it again. How you feel about it depends on how you feel about it and we all don’t feel the same way about it. It’s not unusual for a guy being boned to blame himself if the other guy couldn’t or didn’t cum but some some, whether he does or not is literally icing on the cake because it’s how being screwed in your butt is making you feel.

Girly. Comfortable and not so much at times. Vulnerable… extremely vulnerable. Kinda scary but not so scary. Nasty. Eh, really nasty. Doing something bad that feels good. Going from feeling full and then, when he finally pulls out, feeling disturbingly empty.

Do it to me. Stick it in me. Cum inside me. Make me feel good and very bad about having you do it to me. And when you’re ready, do it to me again.

Because it feels good and there’s no other way to describe it with your words… but you know why and just as you know that if it didn’t feel good, you wouldn’t do it.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: What Do I Want to Do?

Decisions, decisions, decisions. Even if one doesn’t take their first physical dip into the bisexuality pool, one will usually think about what, if anything, they want to do; answering those “what would it be like” questions can be pretty important.

One can ask someone they know who also has already answered the questions or they can hit the Internet and read… and, um, see a lot of what can be done but while it might look and sound good – and as I say repeatedly – actually doing it could be “that easy” or it may not. Time for a back in the day moment!

Growing up with this with my friends, we did it all… except kissing and cuddling and I’d have to say that we “knew” that these two things were things that girls liked… for the most part. But, eh, we’re guys – we cut right to the chase! Sucking, fucking, jerking each other off and sometimes all of the above and, along the way, you learn what you like and what you don’t like and, importantly, who does what in the ways you wind up liking and not liking so much.

JuneBug could suck a mean dick… but was like a monkey fucking a football when sticking it in. Phil wasn’t all that good at sucking dick but, boy, could he stick it in and make it feel amazing. Charlie, who in today’s terms would be an effeminate gay bottom, was spectacular at sucking dick and could take a fucking and no matter how you did it or how long you did it to him.

We all learned by doing. We also learned that even if, say, it was you and JuneBug, just because he “couldn’t do it right” when he stuck it in, he could still stick it in because, for us, not being fair about it didn’t make sense to us: Whatever I’d do to you, you could do to me even if I didn’t like it or didn’t like the way it was being done all that much.

It was the biggest crime: Doing the nasty with another boy. Who wouldn’t want to do that? Well, sure – some guys wouldn’t… but I’m not talking about them. In great and frequent moments of youthful debauchery, we found out the answers to the questions of what it was like to suck dick (and to be sucked), what it was like to fuck a boy (and be fucked) and, yup, what did the baby-making stuff taste like; what would it be like to have more than one boy do it to you (and be one of a few guys to do it to another boy).

That we’d eventually sort things out into those “like” and “don’t like” categories – and then have our favorite friends to do it with – well, that was to be expected but there wasn’t one of us who had something on their “don’t like” list that we hadn’t already tried… and more than once or twice. Okay, back to the present.

Thanks to the wealth of information out there, both written and, um, visual, bisexuals who are ready to dive in can pick and choose what things they want to do and what things they want to avoid. Because of sexuality forums, they can interact with the membership to ask questions and learn what others like and don’t like and then go through the process of deciding if they, too, will like – or not like – this, that, or the other. They also make or confirm a decision whether to be a top, bottom, or both, based upon their own thoughts and feelings as well as any other information they’ve managed to gather before they disrobe and get ready to test the waters.

And they still have to actually do it and, again, might be easy as pie and it might not be as easy as it sounded and looked. Which brings me to something Cityman and I were talking about last night and it comes in the form of a question:

“Why won’t some guys use their dick like it’s supposed to be used?”

These days and pretty much right out of the gate, guys make decisions about not wanting to suck cock and not even being interested in fucking a guy and the obvious question is why, right? To be able to answer this question, you’d have to ask the guy… and then hope he’s able to answer the question. The part in this I find interesting is how guys are able to make these decisions before having an actual experience but, really, it’s just a matter of them thinking that they’re not gonna like this or that so if/when the time comes, they’re just not gonna do it and, indeed, guys make the decision on the top/bottom/both thing based on their feelings and whatever information they’ve obtained.

Some guys, well, hmm. Some guys don’t ever want their dick to be sucked and there are a lot of reasons I’ve heard about this including thinking that their dick, such as it is, isn’t worth sucking or they have the “bottom mindset” that seems to say and insist that if you’re a bottom, your job is to suck dick and be fucked and returning those favors, well, that’s just not to be done and even, simpler, it’s not what they want to do when they get naked with another guy. Some guys say that they don’t like having their dick sucked but to find out exactly why they don’t, you’d have to ask them why they’re of a mind that it does nothing for them.

Similar things about fucking and sometimes that gets… weird. Guys can fuck women “easily” enough and some can – and even want to – fuck women in the ass (if she’s gonna let him). A lot of guys believe that fucking a guy in the ass is different when it really isn’t but because they do, wow, that’s pretty scary and sometimes a guy won’t fuck another guy because he doesn’t want to be fucked. Wait… it gets better… or not.

Some guys can be diamond-hard and the moment they go to stick it in da butt, bye-bye erection and the more they try, nope, ain’t gonna happen… but the moment they stop trying, it’s back to being diamond-hard again. The usual cause for this is one’s mind saying that, um, you do know what comes out of there, don’t you and knowing this just flips a switch so that it can’t be done. Just like a guy can be diamond-hard, put on a condom… and no erection and, no – I’ve never figured that one out and believe me, I’ve tried to.

Being fucked? Well everyone knows that shit hurts going it and because plenty of people have said it does. It’s more than that, though, because somewhere in the deepest reaches of their mind, something is insisting that only girls are to be fucked and that “girly feeling” some guys admit to experiencing is a huge turn-off and one that they can’t get their head around and even if they’ve ever wondered what it would be like to be fucked.

When you are able to get ahold of information like this, it can make it hard to make up one’s mind on what they want to do and, for the ladies, it’s not that easy for them either. Some women love to be eaten… don’t even ask them to return the favor. Some women can get their fingers all up in there… and some just can’t. Kissing? Eh, um, let’s not and say we did. Lavish a ton of attention on breasts and nipples? Hmm. And for many, if it’s something that men do that they don’t like, it’s assumed that if a woman does it, well, they’re not gonna like it.

Some women just do not like being eaten. Oh, they might let you do it but since they’ve never had an orgasm this way, all you’re really doing is wasting their time. It just doesn’t do a damned thing for them except make them uncomfortable and bored so, again, if a woman does it, to them, it’s not going to be any different.

And the question I ask in any of these things is, “But if you don’t try it, how are you gonna know for sure that you aren’t going to like it?” And many men and women have answered, “I just know I won’t…” and hearing this over all this time told me that when it comes to deciding on what to do, the power of belief can play a big role in the decision-making process and that, all by itself, can make the process a difficult one.

“What if I don’t like it?” Well, you might not… but where’s the harm in trying? Even I’ve told people that, at the least, you should try it at least twice: Once to prove you can do it and again to determine if you really did like it or not. Additionally, I’ll tell people something they may not think about and that’s the conditions under which the first time took place and just because the conditions at that time didn’t make for a literal good outcome doesn’t mean that the next time – and even with the same person – the outcome is going to be not so good.

But we believe that if it wasn’t good the first time, it will never be good. We often believe that if someone tells them that they had a horrible same-sex experience, it’s pretty much assumed that the experience they’re thinking about will be just as bad and maybe worse. And even worse, once one decides that it’s gonna be bad and/or they’re not gonna like it, you’re probably never going to get them to change their minds…

And a lot of people make this decision before they even try to do it and it can wind up creating quite the quandary because this kind of thinking will prevent them from doing something that something inside them is telling them they have to do. Many make up their mind that whatever they want to do ain’t gonna be shit because it may or may not involve an emotional connection and they’re pretty sure that it’s gonna be like that… and I’ve wondered about and asked, “How do you know that?”

Well, it’s usually because one tends to overthink it. See, having a same-sex experience is, for many people, way outside of anything they’ve ever experienced even though they can experience the same things in a same-sex experience – a woman sucking your dick isn’t any different than a guy doing it, for instance. If they’ve had… poor results in this, well, doesn’t that mean that trend is going to continue? And some believe that it will continue.

Think your junk is ugly and no one is going to want to interact with it… and maybe you think that because someone had the nerve to say that to you? Yeah, thoughts like this will very much impact whatever it is you think you’d want to do and make you draw up that huge list of what you’re not gonna do… before you even manage to do it and because of that, you might not ever do it. Many people tend to overthink this so much that it isn’t funny and that having preconceived notions before the fact will have a profound effect on things.

Yes; when thinking about what you want to do you just think about the “what if I don’t like it” part and probably that part more than the “I like it” part and, as such, it can be incredibly difficult to be more… open about stuff. A lot of guys will say, “I don’t get why being fucked in the ass feels so good to some dudes!” and that’s because one can’t really imagine why it would feel good – and many who have tried it has said it really didn’t… but a lot of guys do, in fact, swear by it. What’s up with that? Well, you have to be able to find the pleasure in it because it’s not just gonna show up all by itself and to find the pleasure, well, that might take getting boned a few times before you can find it?

What’s the big deal guys make about eating pussy? It’s a seriously big deal but if you really wanna know why so many of us just love to do it, um, try it and look for the pleasure we find in doing it and if you can, think more about the act itself and not so much the person you’re trying to do this with. That’s important, hands down, but even I’ve learned that if you’re thinking more about the person than trying to enjoy the act itself, when the person doesn’t react or respond in the way you want them to, you’re gonna be disillusioned and all that.

Nothing teaches you about this more than experience does… and your own experiences. We can learn from others and it can be valuable information but you should, if you can, remain as open-minded as possible and with the understand that whatever someone else experienced, well, that was them and your experiences may not reflect those of the other person. Or they might. You won’t know until you try to find out for yourself if the things you’re thinking about doing are really going to work for you.

If you watch “gay” or “lesbian” porn, sure – you can find out what things are and can be done… but real-life stuff sometimes tends to conflict with what porn puts on display and I usually tell people that, sure, you can watch porn as an information-only kind of thing but the way they’re doing it on the screen isn’t always how things are really done so the best thing to do, I think, is to get in there and find out what you can do for yourself so you can learn, without any doubts, what you like and what you’re not gonna like and, if you can, go into things trying to like things more than you dislike them.

It’s easy to compile a to-do/not ever gonna do list in your head. You can create such lists and based on whatever information you can manage to get but nothing beats actual experience. I’ve said it like this:

I can’t stand liver and I know this for a fact because, shit, I’ve had to eat it enough times to know for a fact that I don’t like it and I’ve had it prepared in about every way it can be prepared. Hell, I can cook liver and in many of the ways it can be cooked… just don’t ask me to taste it. Experience taught me this and repeated experiences (eat it or go to bed hungry or get your ass beaten) served to confirm my dislike for liver. My dislike for liver isn’t based upon someone else’s dislike for it. Tried it. Had to eat it. Still don’t like it. Maybe one day I might find a way to like it… but don’t hold your breath on that one because I sure ain’t gonna do that.

When you let the power of belief make decisions for you in these things, you may be doing yourself a favor… and you may not. When you give any preconceived things more weight and they add to your list of things you ain’t gonna do, again, you may be doing yourself a favor… and probably not. Are you gonna like it? Hate it? I dunno and if you haven’t, neither do you. People will “what if” themselves right out of having an experience because we do tend to always think worst-case more than anything else. What if I don’t like it? What if they don’t like it? What if I don’t do it right or they don’t?

So on and so forth. You can wind up missing out on what might be an enjoyable experience or you can wind up not having an experience at all. Yes – give some serious thought about what you want to do. Yes. Gather all the information you can about what you want to do. No – do not make up your mind about liking it or disliking it until you actually do it and, yes, do it as many times as it takes to prove or disprove that you like or don’t like something. Just because you didn’t like it this time doesn’t mean you can’t like it the next time; if it wasn’t all that with this person, it doesn’t mean it’s never gonna be all that and, yeah, even with the same person.

Don’t get all conditional about it and doing this, I’ve learned, will fuck up what someone may want to do in a hurry because they create scenarios and situations in their head that probably won’t match the reality. People will “pre-install” exacting conditions that can’t be met. When you tell yourself that you’ll only do (add something) under these conditions and situations (add those), well, chances are you’ve already set yourself up to fail; you won’t like it and you just might not do it at all.

There is a legitimate reason why sex like this is called experimentation although, I guess, a kinder and gentler way to put it is discovery and when you actually do it, you are, in fact, discovering a lot of things and beginning with your ability to actually do it along with what you may or may not like and enjoy. In this, my friends, theory is one thing… but the proof comes in practical applications and if you’re not going to try to find the pleasure and enjoy it – and to the best of your ability to do so – well, what’s up with that?

Yeah, it can be some seriously scary shit and I will never lie to you about that. It can be all that and even beyond expectations… or not so much and, again, depending on conditions, situations, places, timing and even the person you’re with. I think it remains true that in order to prove to yourself that you’re gonna like whatever you’re thinking about or not, you gotta do it.

Because experience has always been the best teacher. I know the good and bad of this because I’ve done it and I’ve done it until I’ve proven to myself, beyond any doubt, that I don’t like this or that… and even then, I learned to never say never because you never know when you’ll run across that person who can make what you don’t like a very good experience.

Being bisexual is about being open about yourself, sexually and emotionally; it’s also about being open-minded about all of this and it’s a learning process and it’s never too late and you’re never too old (or too young) to learn some stuff about this. You’re gonna run into stuff that you’re not going to like so much and for a lot of reasons and some of which I’ve already mentioned. Just don’t shoot yourself in the foot before you take that first step.

You wanna suck cock? Eat pussy? Go ahead – learn all you can about it and both the good and the bad of it. Then take the next brave step and find out for yourself and definitively prove – and legitimately create – that list of what you will and won’t do. Prove it to yourself and who know?

You might be very pleasantly surprised. There’s a reason I’ve heard so many men and women say that they didn’t know it could be like that and wonder why they never did whatever happened before now. There’s a reason why so many men and women have said, “That wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be!” Why?

Because they did it and usually more than once or twice.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Meaningless?

“When you’re old enough to have sex, never have sex with anyone you don’t care for or love!“

I remember being told this; I remember asking, “Why?” – yeah, that three-letter word used to get me into a lot of hot water – and I was told either that this is the way it has to be or because I said so. I guess it made sense… except I was learning that I could want and have sex with people that, at the very least, I just liked them but sometimes I’d have sex with someone who I wasn’t sure I liked or not… but they wanted to do it and so did I.

If I were to micromanage my thought processes I’d have to say that somewhere in the deep reaches of my mind a decision to “like them enough” to do it with them was reached or, simpler, “I guess they’re okay…” but, early on in the journey, it was about delving into that sex thing to learn what it was about, what was good about it, and why adults were saying it was bad.

Eventually you learn these things and sometimes the hard way and the biggest lesson you learn in this is that you might have some feelings for them other than lust… didn’t mean they felt the same way about you; they just wanted to get you naked and do it to you and, yeah, sadly, guys were – and still are – infamous for telling someone they care about them, even love them, and just to have sex.

Devastating to find out that you gave it up under false pretenses but one of the things I learned when I’d get devastated came in the form of a question: “Well, before you found out that they didn’t really like you, did you have fun having sex?” And the answer that was hard to accept was, “Yeah, I did, but…”

And the “but” was sourced in what I was told was the only reason and condition to have sex – with emotional content other than lust – and, as I later learned, having sex without that content was considered to empty and meaningless… or was it really? Being the type of person I was, I needed to really think about this and find out, if I could, what other people were thinking/saying about this.

And the juries were all over the place about it even though people I’d talk to about it all knew that you shouldn’t have sex with someone you didn’t care about or love… or weren’t gonna be in a relationship with. I knew about the sin of fornication and, yeah, common sense kinda mandated that you didn’t have sex with someone you really didn’t like and for any reason you didn’t like them. But even in this, hmm, you’d see them and while your mind starts cataloging everything you can’t stand about them, your body might be saying something else; ya might even be aware of it but your great dislike for them would override and overrule whatever your body may have been saying.

Decades of gathering information about having sex and with many of the mind that, yeah, you could screw someone just to be screwing them but it still didn’t mean anything unless that emotional connection was not only in place but confirmed… but even I knew that you could be madly in love with someone – and they with you – and having sex with them wouldn’t happen and, yeah, we’ve all been there, haven’t we?

I learned that somewhere along the line, we tied love and sex together and deemed that one couldn’t happen without the other… but then I was hearing about the many people who were, it seemed, confusing love with sex and that they went well together… but they weren’t joined at the hip and like it was believed to be. Indeed, I’d hear many a woman say, “Just because I love you doesn’t mean I’m gonna have sex with you!” and just as I’d run across a lot of women who’d say – and tell me – “I don’t love you but I do wanna have sex with you!”

Guys? Well, that depended on whether or not the guy interested in getting busy with you was gay or not and even in this situation, there were gay guys who wanted to get you naked and do you and because they wanted to and then there were the gay guys who also needed that emotional connection before the fact and who felt that while we could do it, there was no point in it because it wouldn’t mean anything and it had to mean something.

In this, I could factor in the thing that men were never to be romantically involved with each other but since we were already infamous for being able to have sex without any other content other than lust, I guess it led to the perception that guys would and could screw anyone and if they did, whatever sex they had was empty and meaningless.

And I learned that, truthfully? It’s not empty and meaningless but to be able to see this, one had to take a big step backward and, if they could, just look at the need to have sex and without the emotional conditions that were placed upon it. The facts of the matter and as I was learning and understanding were that you could have sex with anyone who also wanted to and for any reason – and the two people didn’t have to have the same reason or motive other than they wanted and needed to get laid… and because the biology involved said so.

It was – and still is – considered to be bad form to have sex with someone just because you’re horny and even worse when you’re not attracted to that person and, I learned, in a lot of cases, totally ignoring or dismissing what your body was telling you when you looked at that person over there and something inside you said, “That’s the person I wanna screw!” but before the filters we put in place click in.

We got to be so… shit, I can’t think of the right word but let’s say “anal” about there having to be instant chemistry at work before we’d even think about sharing our body with someone else but again, ignoring or dismissing what our bodies are telling us and, sometimes, it’s really screaming at us to find a way to have sex with that person and by any means necessary. But no “chemistry” meant there wasn’t anything other than lust going on and “everyone knew” that lust is one of the seven deadly sins.

And I kept asking, “Why?” It just didn’t make sense to me that something that occurred naturally within us was considered to be a sin and more so when, um, when you’re in love with someone, you’re also lusting after them, too. How many of us have been asked, “Is that all you ever think about?” and by the person we love and they love us?

I was beginning to see and understand that what we thought about attraction and chemistry wasn’t so much wrong but inaccurate because, well, shit, our desires and need for sex were being directed and one might say even controlled because how else could it be explained when you’d run across someone and feel that sudden rush of desire that gets you all aroused… but then gets blunted or shut down because you’re not supposed to feel what you’re feeling unless under the conditions set forth?

Yeah… y’all ain’t feeling me on this because I know what you believe (even if you think I don’t) because it’s pretty much what everyone believes but the funny thing is that most people don’t know why they believe it and they even think that whatever experiences they’ve had are the reason why they believe this… but it’s not and if you really don’t believe me – and I’m again sure a lot of you aren’t going to, go pick up a bible and read through the Old Testament and pay close attention to it from the Book of Genesis to the last book of the Old Testament.

Scour the Internet for every instance of human sexuality and behaviors that you can handle and, perhaps, you’ll see what I saw when I did a shitload of reading… pre-Internet, of course. I had confirmed what I thought I’d been seeing and experiencing: You’re just not ever supposed to have sex just because your body tells you that you need to have sex. No emotions other than lust involved? Keep it in your pants and keep your legs closed. Forget and just don’t pay any attention to those feelings that are smothering you with sinful desire and if you give into the temptation, well, you just fucked up big time because you’ve been told to never have sex with someone without those deeper emotions felt, in place, and confirmed.

There is always that contradiction where people say, “Yeah, I had fun having sex… but it felt empty and meaningless and I wouldn’t want to do that again!” and I now automatically think that something ain’t right because, um, how can something that is deemed to be empty and meaningless still be a fun thing to do? Wouldn’t that mean that having sex because you want/need isn’t as empty and meaningless as we believe it to be… and as we’ve been told it is?

Looks that way to me but the problem with proving it is that you can’t prove a negative and this is very much seen as a negative; it’s not only one of the seven deadly sins, it’s also the sin of fornication – that’s casual sex if ya didn’t know that. Guided. Directed. Controlled. Not wrong that it’s like this… but not accurate and because what this… controlled sex thing was designed to do was to remove the purely human and primal need to have sex and the mandate, decree, whatever you wanna call it that sex had to have a reason to do it other than you being horny.

And we are, by our very nature, some horny critters aren’t we? And do we not look badly at anyone who has sex just because they want to do it? All men are dogs and will fuck anything and women are just sluts, whores, and the like? And gays and bisexuals are even worse, aren’t they? They commit even more sins when men have sex with men and women do it with other women and, as such, is deemed to be even more empty and meaningless and just downright filthy, nasty, and as wrong as anything gets.

Why? Because this is what you’ve been told… what we’ve all been told… and we believe it and, yep, we can point to experiences we have that proves this beyond a shadow of a doubt… but that’s what we think after the fact or in that moment when we realize that the other feelings we thought were in play weren’t really in play so much… but that need to get laid, to be physically intimate with someone was. Indeed, you can now read a lot of stuff about how beneficial it is to have sex for both mind and body but, eh, we knew that already even if we didn’t know why it is so beneficial in the ways that it is.

Does that emotional connection make sex better? Well, yeah, it does and, yeah, not always… but we knew that, too. With the emotional connection sex has meaning, doesn’t it? What it really means – and, again, you’re not gonna want to believe this – is that you’ve drank the Kool-Aid for the most part because you can, if you wanted to, have sex with someone just because you need to have sex.

Except… you’re not supposed to and if you do it didn’t mean shit that you, um, you feel better because you did get laid. The power of belief is incredible and, as such, if you believe that doing it just to be doing it doesn’t mean anything, you will always believe that and that belief will stop you from having sex because your body is telling you that you need to have sex.

Yet, sex without a “purpose” is still sex, isn’t it? Sometimes, we do want and need to have sex but don’t want to be bothered with the emotional entanglements. We hold true that there’s a difference between “fucking” and “making love,” don’t we? Except, um, you can fuck someone you love and make love to someone you don’t love or like enough to have sex with them. We are so damned funny about this that we even say, “I’m in lust with you… but I’m not in love with you” and we get even funnier when we tell people that I love you… but I’m not in love with you.

Meaningless? Everything I’ve learned says it’s not as meaningless as we’ve been told it is but, then again, I know why it isn’t. Yeah, I’m a guy and, again, guilty by association in that I don’t have to feel anything other than lust for you to want to have sex with you but, sure, if I like you enough, that works and if I love you, that’s even better… but in any of those situations, it still means something and it’s not as empty as it’s said to be.

Or, as I’ve said to some folks, “You got laid, didn’t you?” and many of them will and have said, “Yeah, but…” and the “but” for them was that it really didn’t mean anything other than giving into the temptation of lust itself… and because we were all made to believe this to be true.

I’m the one who has the nerve to tell you, whether you believe it or not, that it isn’t true. You just really and truly want to have sex and, hell, yeah, if you like/love the person, so much the better. Because what we need is to be intimate with each other and it happens to be a part of our makeup that, way, way, back in the day, some people decided had to be controlled and by any means necessary.

Did you know that the only legal sex in the United States is relationship sex? I was floored to learn this one. Sure, depending on where you live, there are age of consent laws and you could, in some states, be arrested for fornication… except such laws are deemed to be unenforceable. If you’re single and out there trying to get laid, well, are you doing it with the express purpose of establishing a relationship so that you won’t get too deep into committing the sin of fornication.

Women look for a relationship and find sex while men look for sex and find a relationship… and while I’ve found that we do behave in this manner – and with the emphasis on the relationship part – we do look for sex and do it… because we want and need to and if a relationship does happen, okay and, yep, if one doesn’t appear, well, hmm, that might be kinda fucked up… but I did have fun doing it. Do you understand what Friends With Benefits started out to be? All of the perks but none of the responsibilities… and that emotional connection is a responsibility because once it’s been established, it has to be nurtured, cared for, and maintained for as long as possible.

And the “funny” part is that FWB is really a form of relationship – just not one in the traditional sense and one that allows for sex to happen just because you like that person enough to want to have sex with them. Even FWB changed; now, in order to be FWB with someone, there has to be an emotional connection and chemistry and it has to happen before y’all get naked because, ain’t you all kinds of fucked up in the head to want to have sex, fuck, or make love with someone just because it feels right to do it?

Yep. That’s what we believe. Empty. Meaningless. And it’s really neither of those things since what it really means is that you’re human and you’re gonna get horny and have lust jumping up and down on you until you do something about it; you have – we all have – been mind fucked into believing that doing it just because you want to doesn’t mean a damned thing.

Any for any of you who have walked away from a sexual encounter and feeling that it didn’t mean shit, lemme ask you something: Did you feel that way after the sex was done? Maybe felt that way before anything happened… but did it anyway? Didya have fun while you were doing it? Or did you not have fun… and the reason why it wasn’t was because you knew for a fact that the emotional connection that has to be there really wasn’t there?

And we are so funny about this that we won’t even admit that we screwed someone just because we could and wanted to and if there were no strings attached, well, okay… because we still got laid.

Ya don’t have to believe me but you should consider that I’m not the only person who figured this out and the people who have are seen as dogs, sluts, and whores. Bisexuals? Well, we’re just so unholy it ain’t even funny because we’ll do it with anyone who wants to do it with us… but that’s the way it’s supposed to work and emotional connections are really gravy and, yup, kinda nice until they get broken, of course, but that’s another subject.

To my recollection, I have never had sex with anyone I didn’t, at the least, like enough to want to have sex with them. If I didn’t like you, I’m not screwing you even if you paid me to… and I could, indeed, like you… but I don’t like you that much. Are you my enemy? Ha… if you needed to have sex with me to save your life, um, you’re gonna have a problem – but that’s not so different from how we all feel about this situation. There are things we wouldn’t do to our worst enemy… but one of the things we won’t do is have sex with them. Just makes sense not to but otherwise? Let’s talk.

Or, if you want to that works for me… unless there’s a really good reason why we shouldn’t and I learned that not having that emotional connection isn’t really a good reason not to have sex when you need to. It’s okay to look for it but if you don’t really find it, it doesn’t mean that whatever sex happens is empty or doesn’t mean shit.

Because having sex does mean something and if you don’t know that, well, how does the Kool-Aid taste? If, by chance, you’re reading this and thinking, “Yeah, but…” please – think about what the “but” is and maybe, just maybe, you’ll see what I’m talking about.

Or you probably won’t. Even bisexuals believe that any sex they have has to be full and meaningful because it’s what we’ve been told and it’s been “reinforced” through our experiences. Sex without that connection doesn’t mean a damned thing and doing it because you need to do it is just all kinds of fucked up…

But is it really?

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Cold Feet

A couple of days ago, I wrote, “TBT: The Hardest Part” where I said that having the sex is easy but accepting one’s bisexual isn’t all that easy… but to tell the truth – or, more of the truth – when some folks are facing that moment of truth, well, they get cold feet.

Second thoughts. Chickening out. Just flat out deciding, at a critical moment, that doing whatever they wanted to experience, whew, shit – this ain’t that great of an idea or it just hits them that they just can’t do it.

Like a whole lot of stuff, it happens. Even active and, um, prolific bisexuals have been known to be in the moment of truth and making a last second decision about proceeding but, admittedly, the more experience you have, the easier it is to make the decision to proceed; sometimes I’ll hear that annoying voice in my head asking, “Do you really wanna do this?”

And I’ll answer it by saying, “Shut the fuck up – don’t you see I’m about to be busy?” Some stuff I was thinking about re cold feet…

Again, it happens. Nothing to be ashamed of but one of the things that can take away a lot of the stress of this is to, first, pick a partner you think will fit your needs and especially one who will understand that this is either your first time or it’s been a while since you last had sex with this… and they’re going to be patient with you.

The bad part? Not everyone is. I often find it curious that a newbie on the verge of getting their feet wet will take great pains to explain that they’re a newbie but the other person sometimes acts as if they didn’t hear that part or whatever the hell is going on in their head and expect a newbie to be experienced in these things and, as such, should the newbie get cold feet in the moment of truth and doesn’t proceed, these kinds of folks get pretty pissy about it – and despite the fact that when the newbie begs off, they say they understand and it’s okay. Sometimes these folks will continue to put some pressure on the newbie to continue which tends to not make the newbie feel any better and if they do proceed, well, their experience isn’t going to be all that good.

What causes it? A few things: Knowing you’re about to break some rules regarding sex. Feeling that you’re about to make a huge mistake. Worrying about getting caught in the act, outed, or otherwise busted. Second-guessing one’s self. The very cold slap in the face reality provides to realize that whatever you were thinking about seemed simpler when you were thinking about it. Seeing the other person naked (and sometimes not) and seeing their “readiness” to get busy and they’re waiting on you.

As I’ve said many times, it’s one thing to think that sucking a dick/eating a pussy is not only the thing you wanna do but, really, how hard can it be? It’s a very different thing when there’s a dick/pussy waiting for you to give it some attention and, nope, it’s not all that easy when you’re lying there and someone who, at least morally, you’re not supposed to have sex with is scant seconds away from initiating sex with you.

That gets very real, very quickly.

Some are of a mind that the “cure” for cold feet is to take things slowly and I don’t necessarily disagree with that but it’s been my opinion – and practice – to really and seriously talk things out with the other person and more so when I’ve seen some folks just totally freak out when the moment of truth whacks them upside the head. And, yeah, I will actually try to talk them out of it while assuring them that they don’t have to do this and they can call a halt to things at any time and for any reason and, importantly, I think, that it’s not going to reflect badly on them should they decide that they can’t proceed or continue.

I’ve had people get cold feet and have just sat there with them, naked or not, and just talk to them – what are you thinking/feeling? It’s not a matter of asking them if they want to continue because I’ve already told them that they don’t have to if they don’t want to. There’s no need to apologize because I really do understand this so we can just sit here and talk and if you want to continue, fine… and if you don’t, I’m good with that, too.

I’d say that in my own experiences, most settle down and want to continue but sometimes they don’t and now, on my part, it’s about not letting them feel bad about getting cold feet. I’ve heard a lot of horror stories about this from others and it pisses me off that the other person was more concerned about slaking their own lust than they were concerned about making sure the person dealing with chunks of ice on their feet is physically and emotionally okay. Sometimes, I think these kind of people tend to forget that they had a first time.

How does one thaw their feet out? I actually and really don’t know except to say that if nothing else, they’re thinking about a whole lot of shit and sometimes doing a lot of intense thinking in a very short period of time results in them calming themselves down and strengthening their resolve to do this… or their brain gets overloaded with all the things they’re thinking about and they just say, “Fuck it…” and dive on in.

I’ve had guys say to me, “Let’s just do it before I change my mind…” and I’ll even ask, “Are you sure?” and if they are – and I believe them – then it’s proceed with caution and through any of this, it’s not really about my pleasure as much as it is about them having as good of a first experience as I can make it… but, yeah, a lot of that nice outcome (no pun) is up to them.

I can still remember talking to a guy one day about giving guys their first time and when I told him how I went about it he said, “Shit, I wouldn’t do that! They knew what they were getting into and I expect them to go through with the deal! I don’t know why you care so much because I sure the fuck wouldn’t!”

Well, I care because I do. I know a lot of bisexuals have that very shitty first time and it’s gonna be their last time and in any case it’s going to affect them and usually not in a good way. As mentioned, I’ve seen them freak out, from bursting out in tears, throwing up, and just jumping up and literally running away. To me, it’s “bad” enough that they’re with me and thinking about this very huge step they’re attempting to take and the last thing they need is to be traumatized anymore by acting like a total asshole when they can’t proceed or continue.

And if you’ve ever been in the moment of truth and found yourself with frostbitten tootsies, believe me – I know how you feel and it really is okay, well, it is with me. Sure, I want you to have the experience… but not at the expense of your emotional well-being which makes, for me, not leaving the person hanging after the fact even more important because I’ve learned that a lot of people tend to seriously freak out after the fact when that “automatic” question pops into their head:

“What the fuck did I just do?” Again, I’ve seen “tough guys” start crying, had a few of them throw up (and sometimes all over me – yuck) and some appear to be “catatonic” as their minds are processing what just took place. Many feel an incredibly powerful sense of guilt

I’ve also assisted women with this. A woman I know called me one day and told me that this woman she knew wanted to make love to her and she didn’t know what to do or whether she even wanted to.

“So, um, why are you asking me?” I asked.

“Because I know you probably know something about this,” she replied. “I want to, but…”

“I get it. Start from the beginning and don’t leave anything out,” I said.

I must have talked to her for just about two weeks about this, answering a lot of questions and probably asking more questions than I answered. Was it weird that she wanted to have sex with this woman? No, it isn’t. Should she do it? Only if you think you can. How do I go down on a woman? Ideally the same way you like someone going down on you but if they start telling what they want you to do, well, listen and try to do it.

Does that mean I’m a lesbian? Oh, hell, no! What if I can’t go through with it? Then you can’t – and I hope the other lady will understand why you can’t. What if I like it? If you like it, then you like it. Finally. she had her moment of truth and I know she did because she called me an hour after her first experience with another woman.

“I did it,” she said – and without saying hi or anything and I asked her if she was okay and she said she was… and more than okay. She told me how it all went down and that, yep, at first, she had very cold feet and the woman was patient with her – and she admitted to me that the wine they had helped her to calm down. She said that when she felt she was ready, they kissed and fondled each other and I had to laugh when she told me that when the other woman touched her pussy, she almost slammed the other woman’s face between her legs.

And that when they got to that part she said, “It was fucking amazing!” I said, “I’m glad that you found her going down on you amazing!” and she said, “No – it was amazing when I went down on her because I didn’t want to wait for her to eat me!”

Well, damn! She went on to tell me everything they did… and how many times they made love before they took a nap, woke up, made love again, and my friend went home.

“So, what do you think?” I asked.

“I’m thinking that I don’t know why I never did this before with a woman,” she said. “I had chances to but I was scared, ya know? But she was patient with me and, yeah, the wine helped a lot… damn, it was so good.”

“Will there be a next time?” I asked.

“She’s coming to pick me up in a few minutes – what does that tell you?” she asked with a laugh.

But just like guys, some women just can’t go through with it and for a lot of the same reasons and the reality of the moment can make one feel some kind of way because you want to do it… and you don’t want to… but you want to but what if…?

After saying all of this, I maintain that this is still easier than working things out in your head and before you even face a moment of truth and maybe wind up getting cold feet. For some, once the sex actually starts, whatever they were concerned about either goes away (for the moment) or fades into the background but some do find that once it begins, they’re still just too wound up to get into it all that much and decide that it’s best if things just stop. Maybe they get going again, maybe they don’t; maybe it’ll be tried another day, maybe it won’t.

There’s no shame in getting cold feet. In these things, we often go about them under the premise that once you decide to do something, you have to go through with it and no matter what happens and I’m telling you that it really is okay to change your mind at the very last moment and that if the other person doesn’t like it, well, maybe it’s a good thing that nothing happened, huh?

Dealing with any guilt after the fact. Yeah, that can be ugly when you find yourself dealing with a contradiction: You “probably shouldn’t have done this” but, at the same time, you did what you felt and believed you needed to do. Many express guilt and regret over consummating such an immoral sexual act and I’ll ask someone, “Does it really make sense to feel guilty over something you wanted to do?” – this is to get them thinking more than letting their emotions run things. Is it normal to feel guilty? Yes, it is… but I’m the guy who’ll tell you that, sometimes, that feeling of guilt isn’t always what you think it is and especially in men and it’s called the refractory period of sex.

Simply, when you get horny, a lot of biochemical shit is happening in your body and brain and one gets to a point where, after orgasm/ejaculation, those chemicals get expended and depleted and, well, it just makes you feel kinda shitty even though ya did have fun having sex. Sometimes it’s subtle; you get done and you might be thinking some shit, like, hmph, did I really need to get laid? In guys, I think the effect is more pronounced once we cum and it’s that thing where we get to thinking, “Yeah, I’m gonna hit this again!” but after cumming, um, bleh – the mind is still willing but the flesh ain’t hearing any of it. It’s the reason why some of us drop off to sleep or just get up, get dressed, and leave the “scene of the crime.”

When it’s guys doing guys, yep, you tack on the sure fact that whatever y’all just got done doing shouldn’t have been done and combine that with the depletion of those biochemicals, yep – one can feel very shitty and it’s often associated with feelings of guilt. While some can deal with this moment, some just can’t; sometimes one learns to be able to cope with this “fucked up moment,” sometimes that just doesn’t happen.

Is it important to know about this? I think it is; otherwise, I wouldn’t have mentioned it. What can ruin a first time is having these guilty feelings and, even worse, seeing the other person going through them and now you’re thinking that they didn’t enjoy being with you and now you’re feeling even shittier and thinking that you just made a huge mistake when, chances are, you really didn’t. It’s the moment that makes me ask, “Were you enjoying yourself and them before it was over and done with?”

And it’s hard to answer… at first because those guilty feelings are pretty powerful but at some point, they can say that, yeah, they were having fun, well, until immediately afterward and before those shitty feelings landed on them. And that, too, is normal.

If you’re thinking about a first time or you’re thinking about returning after a long absence, it’s normal to get cold feet and normal to feel like shit after feeling pretty good. It’s okay to change your mind before and even during the fact and, again, hopefully, the other person really does understand this and won’t give you a raft of shit about it. Does it get easier after the first time? Yes. No. Whether it really does get easier depends on you and your ability to process things and put them into perspective.

And that’s not all that easy, either…