Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: And Now the “Oh, No” Moment

Methinks I’d be remiss not to scribble something about this. One of those “Captain Obvious” kind of things says that not everyone who tries the same-sex thing finds it to their liking and, sometimes, it’s not because of anything that might have been stomping through their head before, during, and/or after the fact – sometimes it’s the person they’re with that gives birth and rise to that “Oh, no…” moment and even then it’s not always what they did but how they went about doing it.

It always sounds like a good idea until it’s been proven that it wasn’t… but in these things – and before the fact – it gets weird because, yes, it sounds like a great idea while not being so great at almost the same time. All kinds of stuff going through one’s mind and working toward the go/no-go decision and, yeah, usually more about the “bad” aspects than the “good” ones but, sure; if one doesn’t get cold feet before anything happens, the go decision is made, things get going and… oh, no.

I’ve been asked – a lot – why this happens to people. After all, they “gave their word” and/or otherwise decided and agreed to do this and the first thing I’ve said toward this is, “Well, people do change their minds, don’t they?” It’s more than that, of course, since at any point in this there’s still a lot of shit going on inside their head and causing a lot of anxiety, apprehension, self-doubt, second-guessing themselves, and just flat out being scared because, again and quite oddly, they don’t know what’s really gonna happen.

There are even guys – since I’m mostly talking about them in this – who, even as they proceed, have already made up their mind that they’re not going to like what’s about to take place but, okay, they just might, there’s some doubt (and that other stuff I mentioned) and it can all come to a head – no pun – and they find themselves in that “oh, no” moment and, most of the time, call a halt to things… and sometimes they don’t because, I’d say, a lot of this is about honor and shutting it all down can mean that they just went back on their given word.

Yep – I’ve watched a lot of guys go through this moment and I don’t really take any pleasure or anything like that when they’re having a moment that I told them they might have. Some guys have that moment in the moment of truth; mouth is about to meet cock (and no matter who goes first in doing this) and, oh, no! Sometimes the connection is made and a few seconds later, oh, no! I’ve seen guys get past the beginning, they’re kinda/sorta into it and they’re in that “I gotta cum!” moment and… oh, no!

That moment can happen at any time because one’s mind just doesn’t really shut down in the face of sexual stimulation/pleasure; it’s been hard at work the whole time assessing what’s going on and while having that moral argument going on at the same time and it can put them right into having an “oh, no” moment but, as I said a few paragraphs ago, sometimes, their own thoughts, feelings, misgivings, and, yeah, guilty feelings aren’t responsible for the “oh, no” moment showing up because they’re kinda fine and dandy…

Until the other guy says or does something and it doesn’t take much to set the “oh, no” moment off. I’m damned experienced in this and I’ve had guys trigger my “oh, hell, no” moment because of something they said or did that either I didn’t like or something that wasn’t part of the agreement and, yep, even though I know that “heat of the moment” shit does happen; if we agree not to fuck and he’s trying to fuck me, yeah – oh, hell, no – and everything grinds to a screeching halt or, really, anything that, in that moment, I have an issue with like this one guy who hauled off and slapped my balls so hard I almost tossed my cookies – and I had punched him dead in the face before I realized my hand was even moving.

In a lot of situations and during what I call “the moment of absolute clarity” that arrives either before a guy busts a nut or immediately afterward, some guys can have a very bad “oh, no” moment and usually, “What the fuck did I just do?” and if the refractory period of sex has not only run them over but backed up and ran them over again, that just makes the “oh, no” moment even worse for them… and let’s not forget that they’ve been aware that this was something they had no business doing right from the start.

In talking about it with guys after the fact, I learned that some were having an “oh, no” moment while things were being done but instead of calling a halt to things, they kept going – what’s up with that? Sometimes – again – it’s a matter of honor but sometimes, honor has nothing to do with it… but their mind is still fucking with them about it and maybe, just maybe, things will get “better” as they go along and some guys just resign themselves to the fact that they got themselves into something they’re not having fun with and it’s not worth it to shut it down, either because they don’t want to start an argument or their pride is telling them that if you say stop, that means you’re a yellow-bellied chump or something else along those lines.

Even when you sit a guy down and tell him what to expect and do so in as many clear ways you can bring to bear and he lets you know that he understands all that you’re telling him, that doesn’t mean he’s not gonna have an “oh, no” moment… and some guys are of a mind that they’re not going to, well, until they find out they’re having one and it bears repeating:

Their mind really doesn’t go on vacation while the sex is happening. Men have had the very bad rep of being “mindless” during sex and overthinking things, too, and if you were to ask a guy what he was thinking about during sex, chances are he’ll tell you that he wasn’t thinking about anything but what’s really going on is that he wasn’t thinking about anything that he was aware of and, yeah, sometimes, they do know what they were thinking but not of a mind to share it but you just don’t really stop thinking even when caught up in the throes of sex and some of the stuff that might be going on in your head can trigger an “oh, no” moment.

Yep – it always sounds like a good idea until it’s not a good idea. A guy’s mind can throw a wrench into things or the other guy can be the one tossing the wrench in and, you betcha – sometimes, even he doesn’t know what he did or said to trigger the “oh, no” moment… and sometimes they do – they just didn’t think that whatever they did or said to trigger the moment would do just that. It’s also worth mentioning that it’s not just new guys who can have one of these moments; experienced guys can have them and because of the sentence that began this paragraph.

In any situation, it’s not that an “oh, no” moment isn’t or can’t show up… it’s what happens if/when it does. Some guys shut it right down and some guys don’t and if they didn’t – and this gets brought up after the fact, the question usually is, “Well, if you didn’t really wanna do it, why did you do it?” – and good luck trying to make sense of whatever the guy who had the moment says about it. Sometimes, the “oh, no” moment isn’t that “I just fucked up” kind of thing; sometimes, the “oh, no” moment is in the form of, “Well, shit; that wasn’t as much fun or as good as I thought it would be – damn!”

Way too many reasons for this one and reasons that one or both guys can be “guilty” of and I’ve always thought that any time someone’s expectations haven’t been met or exceeded, someone is going to have some degree of an “oh, no” moment. The thing is that these moments happen and even when one has reason to think, feel, or believe that it won’t or it can’t and, honestly and truly, they’d love it if the “oh, no” moment never showed up at all.

Sometimes, the “oh, no” moment can be very traumatic and as I’ve said before, I’ve seen guys throw up, break down and start crying, and even jump up and starting running around in circles or some other action; I witnessed one guy having such a moment and he was reciting the Gettysburg Address and, nope, I’m not making that up. As one who has given a lot of guys their very first experience in this, I am always on the lookout for any signs of the other guy having an “oh, no” moment and I will stop even if they don’t say anything to ask them if they’re okay and if they say anything that sounds like, “Not, really…” then it’s over and time to make sure if he’s gonna be okay and then there’s no guarantee that he is going to be okay.

It’s fantastic to give a guy an “aha” moment; not so much when he has an “oh, no” moment and the thing I think that makes this worse is seeing a guy going through such a moment… and doing nothing to help him get through it, both at that moment and even after the fact. Some guys can handle it; a lot of guys just can’t and I’ve heard way too many first-time horror stories where a guy had an “oh, no” moment and the other guy did nothing other than to keep doing whatever he was doing or, even worse, giving the guy who said, “Stop!” a bunch of shit about stopping things.

An unattended “oh, no” moment will plant in someone’s mind that if the shit was fucked up then, it will always be fucked up so let’s not even go there again and even then, some guys won’t go there… and some guys continue to feel and have the need to go back again – the “compulsion” some guys feel to have sex like this is stupidly powerful and not all that easy to ignore.

What should a guy do to not have an “oh, no” moment? Would you believe that I don’t have an answer to that because there’s no “one size fits all” answer that I’m aware of? I will tell a guy both the good and bad of it and will tell them that they can have an “oh, no” moment at any time and they can say, “stop” at any time and it won’t be a bad reflection on them and if I think they’re in some kind of distress, I’ll stop it to check on them and if I think they’re not as okay as they say they are, yeah – time to stop because I know that if it doesn’t stop, it’s not going to be a good thing for them.

Even in this, you just don’t and can’t know if the other guy is going to have one of these moments and most of the time, the guy himself doesn’t know or doesn’t expect or anticipate that he’s gonna have one of those moments. You can’t or don’t even know what, if anything, he might do in such a moment and he, well, shit, he might not even know how he’s going to react to such a moment because that if/then/else process doesn’t always work as “logically” as it might be assumed to work. That “oh, no” moment is more emotional than physical in the majority of times and logic just tends to fail miserably when a strong emotional response appears and, again and again, there’s no telling if or when that can happen… or if it’s gonna happen at all… or it just might happen later on down the road.

Here’s the “mistake” I think guys who have an “oh, no” moment make: They don’t ever wanna talk about it and they should and more so when the real problem isn’t that they had such a moment; the real problem and “damage” happens when they keep it all bottled up inside and thinking they can deal with it on their own – then find out that they can’t… and some guys just ain’t ever gonna admit to themselves or anyone that they couldn’t deal with it.

Sometimes, we’re just too “macho” for our own good; we even read too much into it or, sometimes, not enough; nothing, I think, makes a guy who’s had this moment feel shittier than realizing that he didn’t think things through as well as he should have before diving right into it – and I think it’s both okay and normal for a guy to say, even to himself, “I didn’t think this through enough…” and/or that he overthought it so much that they made themselves have an “oh, no” moment when, all after the fact, they now know that it shouldn’t have happened.

A guy can get to feeling some kinda way that’s not good about this so much that it glosses over or just “erases” any notions that before the “oh, no” moment hit, they were enjoying themselves and to whatever degree they were; that one usually results in them giving a, “Yeah, but…” response when asked if there was anything about it they were enjoying before it all went south.

You just don’t know what’s gonna happen until it actually happens and this is true even for experienced guys. What you think or expect to happen doesn’t always match the reality of what could happen and it’s made worse because no one can think of every single possibility that could show up and, yeah, some guys have an “oh, no” moment because they’ve actually “victimized” themselves before the clothing came off. If it were possible, the best way to avoid having an “oh, no” moment is to not think… and the human mind just doesn’t work like that.

If a guy has fears or concerns before the fact, they are going to stay on his mind even in the background; there’s always that part of one’s consciousness that is always paying attention to what’s going on and despite what’s going on and the moment it runs into something that’s a “problem,” here comes an “oh, no” moment and it might not be so easily “resolved” or set aside, you know, depending on what triggered it but, yeah, if one’s mind, at any time, starts screaming, “You are making the biggest mistake that can be made!” it’s hang on to your hat time because the resulting reaction is not going to be a good one and by no stretch of the imagination.

None of this is really the “no-brainer” it appears to be. Again, some folks think that guys are so mindlessly slaves to their libido that they just jump right into this without giving it much thought and, true enough, some guys do – and then find out that it wasn’t the “no-brainer” they thought it was supposed to be or expected to be. It still and almost always sounds like a good idea right up to the moment where, oh, no! It can happen before, during, and/or after the fact and, yeah, it can really be the biggest mistake they ever made or it’s just their mind fucking with them and “denying” that what they were doing (or did) was all that and a big bag of chips because, you know, guys aren’t supposed to have sex with each other and they’re sure as hell not supposed to like it if they do.

I faithfully and dutifully remain the guy who will talk about this because it needs to be talked about. All one can do if they’re considering taking the plunge – and this goes for the ladies, too, in case you think I forgot about them – is to be as positive about plunging as you can manage and with the understanding that an “oh, no” moment can show up; it can be their “fault,” the other person’s “fault,” and, holy crap – no one’s “fault” because, sometimes, shit just goes wrongly because it can.

My advice? Don’t kid yourself into thinking that you can’t have an “oh, no” moment – but don’t go plunging and thinking that it’s definitely gonna happen because if it does, chances are good that they way you were thinking was responsible or, yep – you just became your own worst enemy with this one. Do your best to find a partner you can dive in with and one that you are sure that if things go south, they’re not going to leave you hanging and now you’re trying to deal with this all by yourself. They don’t have to be “all into you” – they just gotta really and seriously give a fuck about making your experience the best one possible and that includes making sure that you’re really okay before, during and especially after the fact.

That some people can’t or won’t do this and even if they said they would, well, that’s another scribble…

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: The Hunt for Cock

Cityman and I – and as usual – had a good conversation about the title of this scribble and, as usual, because he took notice of all the guys on his various apps sending him “unsolicited” pics and requests for him to give them his cock, ass, or both. I pointed out to him that, duh – the nature of the apps just lends itself to getting propositions that you actually didn’t ask for or might not even be looking for – just the way they work.

I allowed that since apps appeared on the scene, they have the advantage of making a lot of… like-minded guys much more visible than ever which is both a good thing… and a bad one. Good because, um, the halfway decent GPS function in most apps can let you know how many guys are close by and bad because now there’s a lot of guys to choose from and that, at least in the way I think, doesn’t make it easy to pick a guy you’d be interested in doing the nasty with. Also as usual, the “history lesson” in that, back in the day, if you wanted some dick, you literally had to go looking for it or hope that while you’re out and about, you get “lucky” and either find a guy who gets your attention or you’ve managed to get his.

On the whole, nah – that wasn’t easy or convenient and by no stretch of the imagination so when the websites – then the apps for those sites – came along, wow: Who knew there were than many guys into dick that were within a mile of wherever one happens to be? In the very early days of this, chances were very good that you were gonna get the cock/ass you were looking for… until the trolls, fakes, and flakes started inhabiting sites until things got so… bad that you could literally spend hours and even longer periods of time trying to find that one guy who you think – and hope – would suit your needs.

You’d think that a site or app for guys who want to play with a dick would be a big no-brainer and given how well populated they are, it’s like shooting fish in a barrel… and it’s really anything but that simple. One of the things sites and apps allowed guys to do was to write down specifically and precisely what they wanted, how they wanted it, and even who they wanted it from; that some of what’s written can be considered downright rude and arrogant, the good thing is that guys are stating their preferences and other criteria and the bad part is that guys are stating their preferences and other criteria… and making being able to find a guy to have sex with harder instead of it being easier to do.

Cityman showed me what some guy had sent him by way of a proposition and the gist of it was if you weren’t a bear with a beard and unwilling to be on your knees and servicing his cock, don’t bother to contact him. I read what the guy said and I both laughed and shook my head and asked Cityman – rhetorically, of course – why it would matter what kind of guy sucks your cock as long as someone is willing to do it? You’d think it wouldn’t – and maybe shouldn’t – make a difference or be that big of a deal but it is a big deal and it does make a difference since, again, the sites and apps makes it easy to tell other men exactly what you want and all that “important” stuff.

There are few days that go by that I don’t see guys on the forum complaining about not being able to find a guy to have sex with but also complaining about all the flakes and fakes one can run into and, incredibly, continuing to ask what’s the best way to find a guy – or The Guy – they wanna be sexual with and what just makes me roll my eyes is that none of these guys seem to understand that, as I’ve said time and time again, the dick you want is not ever just gonna wind up on your doorstep with you doing anything to make that happen. I can understand the cluster fuck that the sites and apps have become and why guys are loathe to bother with them but it also seems to me that if you aren’t of a mind to use the tools available, uh, there’s only one other thing you can do: Get off your ass and hunt or be hunted.

Oh, that’s right: A lot of guys don’t even wanna do that. Maybe it’s just me (and I doubt that it is) but I’m thinking that if you wanna do the nasty with another guy, motivating yourself to be able to do that is in order. Guys talk about gay bathhouses, glory holes, adult movie theaters – and places that, historically, are good for finding like-minded men; they know about them wherever they live but many are scared shitless to visit one or, if they do, the first time they get hit on, they head for the hills as fast as humanly possible – and even if the guy putting a move on them is the kind of guy they’d want to put a move on them.

Cityman had asked – and not even close to being the first time – how I found guys to have sex with and I said, “The old fashioned way; either I went looking for them or they were out there looking for me or any guy they’d think would be agreeable.” And even though – in my neck of the woods – there were a couple of publications that had “personal ads,” it wasn’t a given that a guy with an ad stating his desire to get with another guy to suck dick would, in fact, be able to do what his ad said he wanted. Some guys would place an ad… but not provide a phone number they could be reached at – understandable. One publication had a “mailbox” kind of thing that was, for the most part, discrete but the problem with that was usually guys not wanting to out themselves by even buying that publication or doing whatever they had to do to check their “mailbox.” And, yeah, even way back then, a lot of guys were just and only about the thrill of the hunt but getting them to agree to meet?

Oh, sorry, I can’t – my dog is still in the washer and I gotta put him in the dryer or some other lame – and obviously false – reason for not showing up to do all that shit they’d been talking. This particular aspect of things hasn’t changed one bit. There are guys who will, guys who can’t – but they want to – and there are guys who, for the most part, get off fucking other guys around and with no intent to actually do anything: The more things change, the more they stay the same, huh?

As noted, the problem isn’t that there not a way to find like-minded guys because there is; the problem is that there are “too many” guys to choose from and there still is no way, initially, to know if the guy is for-real or just another fakey flake. Making matters worse is that there are lot of guys on the sites and apps who feel it’s a total waste of time to actually have a conversation or, as I once saw on a guy’s profile, “More fucking, less talking!” Some guys are… pretty blunt about what, when, how, and who they wanna have sex with and I guess they don’t believe – or was never told – that you can get more flies with honey than you can with vinegar.

But that’s both the good and bad things the sites and apps have going. Almost anyone you might find wants what they want and in the exact way they want it and they want it right the fuck now and nothing is negotiable; when you get an untold number of men doing this and in a place where it’s supposed to be easy to find what you want, um, take a guess at what doesn’t happen as much as it probably should? Women pitch a bitch about being on “dating” apps and getting ghosted, catfished, stood up, etc., and you can see the exact same kind of shit happening on “gay dating” sites and apps and, yeah, it gets even… funnier because not all of the men who sign up are, in fact, gay. There was this one site for “bisexual dating” I saw years ago that had more gay men signed up that actual bi guys which I found to be funny given how some gay men look down their noses at bi men… but they have no problem having sex with us and, yeah, because your cock has been in the very much hated pussy – and no matter when the last time that happened – you ain’t shit and don’t even bother contacting them.

The dumb shit that can be easily found and seen – and even tossed your way unsolicited – is reason to not be all that happy about what might really be available on the “market…” but, again, if the sites and apps aren’t working for you and you just don’t have the time to weed out the assholes and other unwanted/undesirable types, um, that kinda means that you don’t have much in the way of other options save the old-fashioned way:

Get off your ass and hunt or allow yourself to be hunted. These days, jeez, guys are very, very paranoid – and I’m being nice about it because I can’t think of any other word that would accurately describe what I see going on other than to be insensitive and say that they’re just too damned afraid to do what they keep saying they want to do. A lot of guys create these scenarios in their head and, sometimes, I think, in ways that they probably know won’t even happen… but sometimes, they do and instead of them going for what they know? They haul ass… and then express great regret for letting that opportunity – and the one they’ve been dreaming of (and jerking off to) – pass them by.

I even give Cityman da bizness when he gets to acting just like so many guys these days tend to do. He complains about not being able to find his kind of guys… then complains when all of his kind of guys are vying to get into his underwear. He’ll tell me that he knows for a fact there is a guy who is literally one block away from him who wants to get into some heavy cock sucking and he is, himself, very horny (but I think that’s his normal state of existence) and he’ll say he should tell the guy he’ll be right there… and just won’t and will provide excuse after excuse for not checking this guy out – and this guy has been checking him out and asking for the dick for months. He’s talked to the guy and is deemed to be okay and he does, in fact, want to suck dick… and just won’t. He doesn’t have to, of course, but it’s indicative of what I tend to observe on a daily basis.

He’ll ask me if I’d suck a guy who is hitting on him and I say that I would and the only reason why I wouldn’t is… because I don’t want to and if he mentions that he thinks the guy is his idea of an asshole, well, that’s even more of a reason not to. He, like a lot of bi guys these days, is all about that which he prefers: What he wants and the way he wants it and if you’re not anywhere near close to that, no deal and why are you even bothering me? This very thing is both what’s good about sites and apps… and what is very wrong with them and I’m of a mind that when one is presented with too many choices and possibilities, that doesn’t make it easier:

It makes it harder and the more detailed and specific any guy gets, the harder he makes it for someone to say yes. Holy crap: They don’t make bi guys like they used to! Cityman is often… amazed or “impressed” that I’ve been able to have so much sex with guys and wonders how I managed to do it. It’s actually kinda simple: I’ve said yes more than I’ve said no and while I have preferences just like anyone else would, I don’t let them disqualify guys but I will let them DQ themselves since most guys can’t pass my “asshole test.” But if they did pass, you betcha: Whatever we agreed to do is gonna happen. I told him that I trust my instincts and if they tell me that this guy feels or sounds wrong? Not gonna happen; I’m horny as all get out… never stupid or careless. I tell him – and other guys – that the “secret” to my success is keeping it simple and making it easier for myself and some other guy and not making it harder for either of us.

It’s never really been rocket science… but it’s turned out to be that way, it seems. The guys who are, today, successful in their hunt for cock are the guys who “aren’t that particular or funny” about who gets to get into their underwear… if they’re wearing any at all. They’re not careless or stupid about it but they’re of a mind to say yes more than they’d say no and unless there’s something wrong with it, a dick is a dick and now it’s just a matter of how the other guy is gonna let them play with it. They’re not looking so much for a FWB, fuck or suck buddy, or whatever – they want a guy to say yes and they have good reason to believe the guy is gonna be safe enough to have some kind of sex with and, when in doubt, they either do nothing at all… or put a rubber on it.

And most of the guys these days who do think like this also don’t seem to be all that concerned about what anyone thinks about them having a craving for dick… and taking care of that craving whether they’re single or very married. Was it easier back in the day? It was because while there were tons of guys who were down with this, you didn’t always run into so many that making a choice was difficult to do or, as they often say in fine dining cookery, “Less is more.” Instant gratification is the theme of the times and that might be all well and good… except that it really does take time to find a guy you’d want to give it up to; it’s become a thing these days that more men are find that they have to put in some serious work to make happen…

And they just do not want to do that. The logic suggests that if there’s work to be done in this and you don’t wanna do any of it, guess what’s not gonna happen? And if this… laziness is the way you’re doing things and not getting what you want, why are you bitching about not being able to get it? Guys who do this are quick to blame other guys when, in fact, it’s their fault they’re not getting the dick action they want… because they’re not willing to do what’s necessary to get it and by that I mean they just don’t want to do the work that’s required and, again, they make it harder to realize and not of a mind to make it easier.

Sigh… they really don’t make bi guys like they used to. I tend to roll my eyes when I see a guy write that if he could, he’d suck off a whole room full of dicks but the reason why he hasn’t or won’t is because it makes him feel like a slut and rather whorish… and I’m thinking, “Really, dude?” Some of the stuff they fantasize about is actually quite doable… but, again, they just don’t wanna do a damned thing about making it real for themselves and with more excuses than Campbell’s has beans and soups. I’ll say it again and again:

When your list of what you’re not gonna do (and including who, what, where, when, and how) is longer than your list of what you will do (with the inclusion I mentioned), guess what ain’t ever gonna happen? And if you do nothing to… shift the balance to a more doable aspect, guess what ain’t gonna happen – and then why are you bitching about it not happening?

Have I ever mentioned how funny guys are about this?

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: After the Fact

One thing to think about doing, another to actually do it and both parts of this reality aren’t all that easy to wrap your head around and, as I scribbled yesterday, there’s either going to be that “aha” moment or that “oh, no” one but, in either event, the experience gets even more interesting once one has had a chance to think about things or that moment I like to call the “what the fuck did I just do?” moment.

One of the hallmarks of this moment is guilt; overwhelming to the point of being physically ill guilt. And it’s a real thing but those of you who’ve been following and reading should know how I am at this point and, if so, you’d understand why I’d ask even myself, “Why am I feeling guilty over something I wanted to do?”

A lot of guys – in particular – are of a mind that the guilty feeling comes from them doing something they had no business doing and there’s some truth to this because there’s always that war I mentioned yesterday going on inside one’s head that causes so much internalized confusion: Not supposed to but you really want and need to. Along with this is the habit we seem to have to always think about the worst that could happen more than we do about the, ah, benefits of whatever we’re thinking about doing before the fact but, okay – a lot of guys are able to either set all of that aside and remain committed to doing (a) what men ain’t supposed to be doing but (b) yeah… it has to be done; it tends to overload one’s mind to the point that some guys just and really do say, “Fuck it…” and just go for it and some guys have their brain just shut them down and, nope, sorry – I just can’t.

I keep mentioning this aspect because there are still a lot of people who believe that bisexuals – male or female – don’t give any thought about the sin they’re about to commit and that’s never been true – but it looks like it is. So, here we have… “Frank,” who has been thinking about having oral sex with another guy and he’s been thinking about this and, perhaps, so much that it often distracts him. He’s going through the pros and cons – and more of the cons than the pros – but everything keeps telling him that he needs to find a guy to get this done with. Frank finds a guy, the deal’s been made as well as the time, date, and place this epic event in his life is going to take place.

Frank is both excited but that battle is still going on inside his head and all of the doom and gloom shit he’s been thinking about is trying to make him chicken out but he’s determined to see this through and to whatever conclusion manifests itself. Frank and the other guy – let’s call him… “Gene” – meets and they’re off to the agreed upon location and right about now, Frank’s mind is ripping along at Warp 200; he wants to call it off but, again, he’s determined not to and, besides: Nothing has happened yet.

At the place; some very nervous talking and after that crazy pregnant pause, the clothes come off, dicks are exposed and now Frank is sorting through the jumble of thoughts that is going to do that go/no-go thing because, again, it’s one thing to think about sucking a guy’s cock and a very different thing when the guy’s cock is right there and waiting and, yeah, that includes his. That awkward “who’s gonna get it started thing,” someone says, “Fuck it…” and let the cock sucking commence. Either way, Frank’s mind is on the edge of an overload as it’s trying to process what’s going on while being reminded that he shouldn’t be doing this and all the fucked up shit he’s been thinking about is bouncing around inside his head and to the point where he’s not really paying attention to what he’s doing or, if the other guy went first, what’s happening to him.

But the “voices in his head” grow quiet; they don’t exactly go away but they’re down to a dull roar because his body has stepped in and decided that this is feeling good and it should be paid attention to. At this point of the scenario, I have to say that this cacaphony of thoughts can often just put a guy into sensory overload and/or overstimulate him and, well, no boner. But for the sake of this, let’s say that our boy Frank hasn’t gotten overloaded or overstimulated and let’s say that he made the first move to suck Gene’s cock and as he’s been doing just that, the part of his mind that is unaffected by this has been analyzing everything Frank has been doing: Is it good or bad? Gene yells out that he’s gonna cum and a decision point has been reached: Does Frank stop and back away from the dick and watch it spurting all over the place or does he keep sucking and that spurting is gonna happen in his mouth? More than likely, this is another “fuck it” moment since one of his concerns was about that acquired taste thing.

Two possible outcomes – and the pun is intended big time. If he decides not to let the cum into his mouth, he moves away and watches the eruption and, as I’ve been told by real-life guys in this moment, yeah – there’s something exciting about having made another guy cum but, at this point, there’s no real sense of guilt or wrongdoing so much; yeah, he shouldn’t have had his mouth on Gene’s cock to begin with but, it was and that’s that. The other decision is that he doesn’t back off, keeps going, and now he’s getting his first taste of spunk and, well, is it as bad as everyone says it is or it is not all that bad? Frank has the option to spit it out or swallow it and that decision actually takes place pretty quickly although, again in real-life situations, there can be so much of it that swallowing it becomes like a “self-defense” kind of thing; it’s one thing to think about getting sperm in your mouth, something else when there’s sperm in your mouth.

Stay with me. Frank finishes Gene off and, for this scribble, Gene isn’t going through that guilty phase and after catching his breath, it’s time to return the favor. Frank just might be having second thoughts about this but chances are he’s in that “in for a penny” phase of things and any reluctance he may be experiencing becomes moot as Gene goes down on him. Brain is processing and analyzing; body gets around to turning it down or just turning it off and in favor of, hmm, damn, that feels good. Gene gets Frank to the point of no return and shoves him right off the edge and into the abyss…

Then that moment of clarity arrives and kicks Frank dead in the ass or screams at him, “What the fuck did you just do?” – and here comes the guilt. Some of it is morality-driven and a lot of it is due to the refractionary period of sex in men and something that not a lot of guys know about but they’ve experienced it: It’s that thing that once you bust a nut, you just don’t feel like having sex again even if you’ve had it in your mind to get right back at it. Being horny is a biochemical thing and a bunch of stuff gets together, loads up, and you’re doing the nasty, it’s good and all that, here comes the nut and all the stuff driving the bus is now depleted – you literally run out of gas and, depending on the individual, it can feel pretty damned ugly…

And it feels just like guilt and so much that unless you knew about the refractionary period of sex, you couldn’t tell the difference between having a guilty conscious and having depleted your supply of oxytocin and other goodies. Frank’s mind is now pitching a bitch at him because if he doesn’t know anything else, he knows he just broke all of the rules against what just happened and it’s not making him feel good… but his body is feeling pretty good but that sense of guilt is pretty much making ignore that… and a lot of other things.

If you think that everything Frank went through before the fact is bad, the after the fact stuff can be even worse. Like I’ve said – and it’s no joke – I’ve seen guys throw up; I’ve seen them break down and cry; I’ve seen them have panic attacks… and I’ve seen none of that happen but, yeah, their mind is fucking with them and that damned refractionary period ain’t helping matters. Frank is now second-guessing himself and very well might be quite unhappy with himself and/or having other really bad thoughts and here’s what Gene should do:

Let him know that he really didn’t do anything wrong even though, morally, he did. Gene should, ideally, let Frank know that whatever shitty thoughts and feelings he’s experiencing is quite normal and that it does happen to a lot of guys to some degree or another. Frank may or may not give voice to what he’s thinking and feeling – and it would help him if he did because keeping all of it inside ain’t gonna help matters, either. If Frank admits that now he feels guilty and saying that he shouldn’t have done this, what Gene should do, ideally, is ask him a question and a very specific one: Was it okay for you while they were actually doing it?

The question is “designed” to get Frank to not think about how he’s feeling right now but to apply a bit of misdirection to get him thinking about how he was feeling – and maybe thinking – in the moment. It doesn’t gloss over what he’s feeling now and it does have to be addressed but that feeling of guilt, again, can be very overwhelming and can tend to make some guys overlook the fact that while it was happening, um, yeah – it felt amazing.

Now it’s just a matter of Frank’s ability to process all of this to determine if this was an “aha” moment or the very much dreaded “oh, no” moment; he’s either going to be able to sort this out quickly or it’s gonna take some more time or he won’t be able to sort it out at all. The reasons why so many guys wind up having after the fact issues are twofold: The first is they often don’t really want to talk about it and the other is that the other guy – Gene – isn’t of a mind to check with Frank to see if he’s really okay and sometimes that happens because Gene is working through his own refractionary period and/or, if this is a “first time” thing for him, that shitty guilty feeling that he just did some shit no man is ever supposed to do with another man is pretty much stomping a mud hole in his ass, too.

The good thing is that a lot of guys survive the after the fact moment; the bad thing is some guys don’t so much. Making it even worse is the fact that there is no way to know how that after the fact moment is going to go for you; you can think about it but it’s no “replacement” for having to deal with it and then there’s this: Some guys might not be all that aware of the refractionary period of sex… but they very well know how shitty they feel after they’ve busted a nut and it’s something a lot of guys feel when they masturbate and, again, they feel it after sex with a woman but, nah, it might not feel so much like guilt… but it just doesn’t feel good.

If you’ve ever wondered why some guys fall asleep after sex, it’s not always because they’ve worn themselves out doing it – it’s the refractory period of sex that’s responsible because, again, they’ve run out of gas and the depletion of the feel-good chemicals just, um, puts them to sleep. What makes this worse is that this period isn’t always consistent in how it affects a guy after the fact; it can be a long period or a very short one and that usually depends on how quickly the guy’s body can replenish those expended chemical goodies; could be in minutes, hours, or even days.

It’s just that when you combine some deliberate rule breaking with this very natural thing everyone goes through, yep – Frank can get to feeling pretty damned guilty and, again, begs that question I asked earlier: Why feel guilty about something you wanted to do? Some guys can suss this out without a whole lot of issues… and some guys are really bothered by the moral implications and so much that you could ask them if they enjoyed what happened… and they’ll tell you that they didn’t and what’s really going on here, and as I’ve learned, that their body is quite happy about how things literally came out… but one’s mind? Not even happy about it.

This whole after the fact thing taught me something important and something a lot of people either don’t agree with or don’t even know about: Your body doesn’t care who is giving it pleasure… but your mind does… and it does because we’ve been conditioned to care about that aspect. Woman gives you a blow job? No biggie… but if a guy does it? It’s a biggie and a very major one and the truth is that it’s not easy to wrap your head around it. It is one of those things where I’ve heard guys do the, “Yeah, but…” thing: Yeah, it felt good and all that… but it also felt wrong and with the wrongness being the morality of things.

Bisexuals do think about this before the fact; they do consider the consequences of their actions as well as the pros and cons of the action to be taken. There’s a huge decision process going on within them that will either make them go forward or stop them dead in their tracks. And it’s a sure bet that when it’s all said and done – and that refractory period kicks in – they’re gonna feel pretty shitty and, yeah, guilty. Some guys are just able to sort it all out and determine that, okay – broke the rule but they’re not gonna feel guilty about it because it did feel good and it worked for them.

Some guys can’t. Trashing and ignoring the moral imperative not to do this with other men just overpowers everything and now it’s a matter of how much the guilt of it is going to fuck their head up and, yeah, the power of belief shows up and says that if you believe you just fucked up and like you’ve never fucked up anything before, well, you just fucked up in a huge and unforgivable way… and nothing anyone is going to tell you is going to change your mind… but there is always that one “tiny” voice that keeps saying, “But you really didn’t do anything wrong and you did like it while it was happening…”

Yep… I’m that guy who bothered to figured this out because I wanted to know why it feels so damned shitty to do something I also knew I very much wanted and needed to do… and whether it was sex with a woman, spanking my monkey, or having sex with a guy… and my thought that the moral implications just couldn’t be the only reason for this. I looked high and low for the answers… and I found them.

And now I’m telling you what I found. What can be done about it? Actually, not a whole lot other than finding a way to deal with it. Given our ability to be able to justify whatever we do, well, that part can be easy… or not; there’s nothing I know of that can do anything about the refractory period of sex and its effects and affects; you can probably do some stuff about it after the fact, like, replacing electrolytes and stuff like that… but I think the only way to stop it from happening at all is to not bust a nut or have really intense orgasms – they deplete the feel-good chemicals, too.

Do women go through this? Yeah, they do – it’s just different than it is with guys. A woman’s refractory period, I’ve read, tends to be shorter in duration and I do mean short. That guilty feeling of breaking the rules and having sex with a another woman? Present and accounted for but women, as far as I’ve been able to discern, handle this better than guys do for the most part… and sometimes not so much because at the root of any of this after the fact stuff is the morality of it all but I’m also of a mind that if one has that “aha” moment, it goes a long way to making any feelings of guilt less of a problem.

The hard part isn’t doing it; it’s dealing with it all after the fact that presents the most problems for a lot of people who, instead of having an “aha” moment, they find themselves buried in that “Oh, no! What the fuck did I just do (and why did I do it)?” moment that does not ever feel good.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: That “Aha” Moment

It has been a long-held truth that sex that isn’t boy/girl is just flat out wrong and immoral yet it’s also true that humans have been having sex like this all along. We’re taught, expected, demanded, and required to avoid this at all costs or, biblically – one can say – you’re gonna burn in hell for all of eternity… but we know that a lot of people have been stocking up on SPF 100,000,000 to take care of the burn.

One of the things I’ve always found… interesting is when someone has that “aha” moment; that moment when despite all of their trepidation and fears, they do the unthinkable and find out that, hmm, that wasn’t as bad as they thought it would be. Yes, yes – not everyone feels that way so let’s get that out of the way, aight?

The taboos against this are pretty powerful, invasive, and insidious; it’s been hammered into everyone and from the moment they’re old enough to understand it even in that “because I said so” way. They are, of course, designed to prevent it and, well, yeah – how’s that really working? So many have been faced with being in that moment – and how they got to the moment, for this scribble, isn’t a real consideration – and the internal conflicts they go through are… epic and if they’re able to get past them – which isn’t all that easy to do – and just go for it, it’s always with that sense of, oh, I dunno, let’s see what’s gonna happen – and then with the hope that a wrong decision wasn’t made and a grave mistake is about to come into play.

Lust, driven by curiosity and other factors, is pretty damned powerful but there’s always that fear of the unknown and something that, given my sense of humor, is kinda funny because, as I’ve said time and time again, it’s one thing to know that people have sex like this… but so very different when it’s you being in that moment. I’ve thought that this… perception is what lends itself to many thinking that, say, having a guy performing oral sex on another guy is not only different, it’s wildly different and, yeah, in the moment they realize that it isn’t different, here comes the “aha” moment.

I’ve heard guys say, before the fact, that they know they’re not gonna like it and I used to wonder just how they knew this – then learned that they know they’re not gonna like it because they were told not to and that it’s not something to be liked. Oh, okay… but maybe someone would be kind enough to explain to me why a guy who knows that he’s not going to like it… does it anyway? Yeah, I know – kinda rhetorical because I know, to put it as simply as possible, something inside their head is asking, “Why not?” and against what we’ve been told about this.

In for a penny and all that.

It’s an understandable moment; there’s the tension, the anticipation, even the fear that’s still having a field day inside their head and, for some, it’s like that bad accident you don’t ever want to see… but you’re gonna look anyway. Before mouth meets cock, eh, some guys are looking with wide-eyes and some have their eyes so tightly closed that it’s probably giving them a headache. The connection is made and, I think, there’s a bit of a war going on; the mind is saying this is some fucked up shit and the body is saying, “Ahh… damn, that feels good!” It’s at this point where either one’s mind is going to win and this is gonna be a bust and a problem… or the body wins and, oh, yeah, this is gonna be good… I think.

The “funny” part is that at times, I’ve been able to feel that war going on inside the other guy in how his body is reacting; it wants to give in but it’s also resisting because the mind is still saying that this shouldn’t be happening… and their body is telling the mind to shut the fuck up. Even while it’s happening, the mind can overrule the body and the guy being blown wants it to stop; it’s just way too much to deal with and that’s fine – it happens. If the body is winning, you can almost feel the moment when the mind starts waving the white flag and, in some cases, is telling the body that its gonna get them for this later and lay on some seriously heavy guilt so, yeah, body – enjoy it while you can.

I’ve looked up at guys to see how they’re doing and they either have their eyes closed or they’re looking at me with that deer in the headlights look and as if they don’t believe that it’s happening and still kinda not believing that they agreed to this happening. And then they cum – and sometimes they don’t and there are reasons for that I’m not going to get into and, wow, there’s a firestorm of cluster fuck stuff happening that, more often than not, if the mind is still pitching a bitch about the decision to do this, that orgasmic release just shuts it down and like slamming a door… and now the real cluster fuck shows up as the body goes into recovery mode and the mind returns from being evicted from the situation.

The guy is most definitely gonna be feeling some kind of way now… and it’s not always good and, again, I’m not gonna talk about the refractionary period of sex so much but acknowledge that it does play a major role in what he’s gonna say next and, yep – a lot of times it’s, “That wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be!” Sometimes that’s the first thing they say… after they relearn how to breathe and talk and sometimes there’s this, “What the fuck did I just do?” look they get and, as such, it’s gonna take them a moment to realize some stuff like it didn’t kill them – oh, yeah, they got hit by a bolt of lightning but not “fatally” so and, importantly, they don’t feel as if they instantly stopped feeling masculine. Sometimes I’ve heard guys say that they’re not sure if they really liked it or not and it’s important, I think, to give them time to reset their mind so they can think but, at least in my experiences, it usually doesn’t take them very long to come to the realization that, nope – it really wasn’t as bad as they thought it would be.

Or my other favorite: “I don’t know why I never did this before now!” and this is also applicable when the guy has just finished sucking cock for the very first time. Well, okay… there is that taste thing that scares the shit out of everyone and it’s either gonna be very yucky or, uh-huh – not as bad as they thought it would be. And I’ve just sat there watching all of this reality settle in with them and, um, trying not to smile because I did tell you that it’s not as bad as you think it is, didn’t I?

Now it comes down to whatever else might be going through their minds and when – not if so much – the mind does as promised and brings a whole lot of guilt to the party and the internal way begins again and along these lines: You weren’t supposed to do this shit but you did it; it wasn’t supposed to feel good, but it did and you sure as fuck wasn’t supposed to like any of it but, hmm, it really wasn’t that bad. Guys need x-amount of time to really and fully process all of this… and some guys don’t really need a whole lot of time to come to, at the very least, a tentative decision: They liked it, it wasn’t really all that bad and, in some, the beginning of thinking about whether they’re going to do it again or not.

Guys – and I suspect gals – have that “aha” moment that not only confirms that, nope – it really wasn’t all that bad even if it was a bit weird – but I think it’s also at that moment where everything they thought they knew about sex gets rewritten and even if, by chance, what they just experienced is being deemed to be not all that much to their liking… for right now. Again, this is some shit that, more often than not, requires a great deal of very introverted thinking and, for some, the war is still going on inside of them. It was bad in that moral sense but it was good, too, and then all of their fears return to plague them and trying to shout down the reality of it:

They did it. Liked it or not really sure they did but close enough for government work at the moment. May or may not do it again but it didn’t “kill” them and it didn’t turn them into the boisterously flamboyant gay dude. It wasn’t as bad as everyone said it is and as they previously thought.

And to be able to sit and watch them process this is, for me, precious and priceless. When I say that this is a life-changing event, I’m not kidding or overly exaggerating it: It really is. It is a moment of truth that is as profound as anything I know of and so much that, yeah, it can really fuck one’s head up and not in a good way… or it can be the greatest discovery since man discovered fire – depends on the person and their ability to process things.

It can also produce that “Yeah, but…” moment, too… but most of the time – and, again in my experiences – that’s usually all about whether they’d do it again or not or, famously, that “It’s not something I’d do all of the time” thing that tends to give me the giggles. It is why I think it’s so very damned important to talk about it all after the fact because I know and have learned that not everyone adjusts to this all that well or easily. Did they just do something horribly wrong? Well, yes… and no: Rules did get broken and there’s no getting away from that poignant fact of things but we just got finished doing something that men have always been doing to, with, and for each other and, really, several million gay men can’t all be wrong, can they?

It’s a very and seriously emotional moment and one that has to be handled with as much care as possible since that “aha” moment can quickly turn into an “oh, no” moment – the war and internal arguments are still going on and can go on for some time but, again, that depends on the individual and their ability to process such a complex situation… and not everyone wins that battle… but a lot of people come out of the other side of the war and they’re quite okay.

I’ve seen guys get… pissed because in that after the fact moment, they know and understand that they were lied to about this or, actually, they weren’t told the whole truth about the sex thing; I’ve seen some guys get pissed because they’ve found themselves thinking about any time prior to this life-changing event that, shit, they could have done this already but they didn’t; they know why they didn’t and, most of the time, the reason why they didn’t – because men just ain’t ever supposed to do this – just doesn’t match the reality of what just happened. And even when a guy is having this kind of a moment, I believe it’s just as important to be there for them to tamp down any anger they maybe experiencing. There’s a reason why the rules are the way they are and, as such, there’s a reason why the truth of this is being kept from everyone…

It’s just one of those things that no matter how much society and our morality tries to hide the truth, someone – and even as you read this – is finding out that the truth – and the reality – is very different and, one way or the other, it is going to change one’s life and the way they look at things going forward; it’s either going to be – and continue to be – that “aha” moment or it’s going to be that “oh, no” moment and, um, yeah – they can actually flip-flop since I’ve heard guys, after the fact, say they hated it and hated themselves for doing it but after they’ve had some time to think about it, nah – it really wasn’t all that bad.

Quite interesting how the human mind works, huh? The rules and taboo against sex like this are very real – they exist… and covers up the real reality of things: People have sex like this; we, on the whole, have been having sex like this for the longest time and because we have, it’s why the rules and taboo was put into place to stop us from having sex like this. When someone says that they’d never do this, it’s because they don’t believe in doing this and because they were told not to and, yup, they believe in all of the reasons why it’s never to be done. You’d think that logic and intelligence is at work when someone emphatically says that they know for a damned fact that they’re not going to like it when, um, actually, they were told not to like it and by telling them not to even go there in the first place.

Some get that confirmation that, nope -they shouldn’t have done this and that’s because the experience wasn’t able to override the social and moral imperatives… but a whole lot of people have that “aha” moment and get around to figuring out that what they were taught and/or believed, well, it’s just ain’t the whole truth of things… and being made to cum/orgasm? Well, yeah – that felt pretty good… because it’s supposed to feel good. I’ve heard guys say that, eh, they’re not sure if they’d ever do this again… and I’ve had guys ask me if we can do it again and “right now” again… or if, you know, if they want to do it again, can they come see me about that?

To the question of whether or not this is really as bad as it’s said to be, the honest answer is, yes – it can be that bad and then some depending on how your mind works and all that but, no: It can be not all bad as it’s said to be, too. Is it really all that different? Well, it is different but only in who is doing the sex thing… but not what is or has taken place. I think it’s one of the reasons why so many men have an easier time adjusting to cock sucking and find out that while it’s quite the insult to be called a cock sucker, doing it? Not as bad as everyone says it is and the real reason why it’s not as bad as everyone says is… because it really isn’t. It’s not to say that it’s not without its own problems but sex has always come with a shitload of problems and there’s always been a reason why it’s been said that sex is dirty and nasty – and not because of the moral implications involved.

The “aha” moment. It’s really something to witness and, according to those who’ve shared their “aha” moment with me, it’s really something to go through although, sure, it might take a few for it to really sink in… and it may never sink in: Your experience, if you choose to have one, can vary. If you tried it and it wasn’t all that, well, that’s how it was for you… that one time. Some keep at it and, nope, still ain’t working but I think that the moral implications may not really be at work since some folks go into this with some preconceived notions about it and wind up getting all bummed out when it doesn’t go the way they want, thought, or believed it should go.

It happens. How does one get their head around this? It may or may not help but I’ve learned that it’s… easier to think about what and not be “all that concerned” with who is doing whatever; this doesn’t mean that who lacks importance because it can. The “hard” part in looking at it in this way and having that “aha” moment is that we’ve been conditioned to always think about who we’re having sex with and there’s some rules, terms, and conditions involved here and, well, to just think about having sex at all isn’t considered to be all that right and proper. The way it supposed to be just overrides some obvious stuff:

What’s the difference between a guy sucking dick and a gal doing it? It’s who’s doing it and the rules that, albeit unspoken and unwritten, say that this is something only women are supposed to do. What’s the difference between having a guy eat a pussy and a woman doing it? The same thing but what gets overlooked and, really, not many people think of is that the act itself isn’t different – but who is doing it is and, again, we place so much importance on who than we do what and because we do. it’s the very thing that has given so many people that “aha” moment because they learn, in that moment, that a difference which makes no difference is no difference.

That and if it didn’t go well, um, it’s usually because the other person involved didn’t give a fuck about whether it went well for the other person or not or a continued disbelief that it just ain’t ever gonna go well or be good. Not much that can be done about that but, if nothing else, this should get folks thinking about one thing: Everyone who is into this and no matter how much or whatever can’t all be wrong even if the morality that rules us says it is. Many believe it’s wrong…

And many more have that “aha” moment. It wasn’t all that bad. Wondering why they never did this before now. Asking themselves what were they afraid of. Some people can cope with the reality and the truth – aha! And some people just can’t – oh. no!

And I’m still the guy who not only knows this but will tell you about it.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: “It Doesn’t Look Sexy!”

That was said by a woman who was getting into the debate a bunch of us were having about homosexuality. The group was diverse with both men and women and the debate was good-natured and no “fussing and fighting” hopped off. While the majority of us agreed that, okay, yeah, guys do have sex with other guys, this particular woman agreed with this but in that “Yeah, but…” way a lot of people tend to do, she uttered those pretty important four words.

The funny part? It’s not that seeing two guys going at each other doesn’t visually show the sex; it’s that, well, it kinda doesn’t look all that sexy. Any act doesn’t lack for passion or lust but to look at one guy fucking another guy, well, yeah it’s really erotic and all that but still doesn’t look all that sexy. It’s my contention that one of the reasons so many people might say this is how it’s portrayed and mostly in movies or on TV and, under the movies category, gay porn does tend to make it not look sexy.

It’s there to be seen but even I’ve found it not so easy to see the sexy in two men having sex and I’m almost sure it’s some remnant of social programming that hasn’t been completely wiped… but to see the sexy in it, the thing I found helpful was to stop looking at the guys doing it… and paying attention to what they were doing. It’s just that when you see it and, again, as portrayed, it’s pretty cliched; you almost always see the one rather masculine guy – or the super-uber macho stud kind of guy – and the, uh, um, not really so masculine guy; not really bursting into flames but, yeah, you can just see, as they used to say, the “she in he.”

They kiss… and you understand kissing and more so if you’ve kissed and have been kissed but those two guys on the screen kissing? Here comes the disconnect because many can agree that two women on the screen kissing is as sexy as it gets but those two guys doing it? Eh, not so much and it kinda makes me laugh when I just thought about all the prohibitions against men having sex with men, one of them wasn’t, “That shit don’t look sexy!” It is sexy… one just has to be able to see it.

And it would help if some forms of media and the way they tend to portray it would stop overexaggerating a lot of it and even more if they could find a way to stop accidentally reinforcing the prohibitions by getting into all of that, “I know we should feel this way about each other but…” stuff that some media forms use and in porn, well, it’s so contrived, cliched, and exaggerated that you know how things are gonna happen before they even get undressed – and if they get undressed at all.

I think our general impression of men and how they’re supposed to behave and all that tends to color – or discolor? – our ability to see guys having sex as being sexy. Ya got these two hunky and masculine looking men being all lovey-dovey and tenderly intimate locked in a kiss… and it just doesn’t look sexy. One guy goes down on the other or it’s 69 time – and the sex part is apparent but does it really look sexy? Yeah, kinda not so much… and fucking? Doesn’t usually lend itself to being sexy or, methinks…

Sensuality. You see a man and woman getting intimate and what you see oozes sensuality; you see two women getting intimate and the sensuality meter gets redlined; but you see two guys and, well, you know, right? The sensuality is, in fact, there but you still gotta be able to find it and if you have those notions that it’s not supposed to be happening in the first place, seeing the “sexy” in it will be difficult to do.

So, when that woman uttered those four words, I was intrigued and asked her, “What makes you say that?” She came back with, “Two guys kissing? Yuck!” which prompted me to ask her, “Is it the fact that there’s kissing going on… or is it who’s doing the kissing that makes seeing it so yucky?”

I wasn’t surprised when she said it was the guys themselves – and a few of the other women present agreed with this. It was, for me, the moment I had a kind of epiphany that basically said that in order to see the sexy in this, look at what’s going on… but not who’s doing it. Once I learned to do that, okay, it might not look sexy but the sexy – the sensuality and intimacy – can be seen. It’s just, I dunno, the “nature of the beast” to see two, ah, weight-challenged guys and in the 280 pound range of being challenged getting all sweaty, “massive amounts” of body hair plastered to their challenged bodies with sweat… and they’re going at each other as if they were each other’s last meal. Not quite the, ah, most appetizing visual, huh?

It just doesn’t look sexy and I’d guess that we might be… pre-conditioned to respond to that which is more visually appealing and it makes sense to me because I know that, when it’s time to feed ourselves, the food not only has to taste good, it has to look good… and looking at sex doesn’t get excluded in this. While some would look at those two challenged guys mentioned above and say that what they’re seeing is very sexy/sensual, a lot of people just wouldn’t see it that way…

Because guys aren’t supposed to have sex with each other to begin with; it’s some fucked up shit for men to get into and it just might fix an image in one’s mind that if it’s true that this is bad, then seeing it in any form is also bad. Maybe we even have it in our heads that if what we’re looking at isn’t homosexual in nature, well, yeah – that guy and gal getting it on? Pretty damned sexy to look at… but any of this – perhaps all of it – falls into the realm of being in the eyes of the beholder.

And we all just do not see things the same way. Is the way it looks of any great import? It is but I’d suppose the real question is should it have such great import? Should we literally be looking with better eyes and not think a whole lot about the fact that there are two guys sucking or fucking each other… and just pay attention to what’s being done? It works for me but, again, not everyone would find that it works for them. It’s just what it is and while porn tries to make the visual more… visually palatable, well, it’s my opinion that they’re not all that good at it because. The visual clashes with what we, I guess, “believe” is sexy and sensual and, again, we don’t all have the same viewpoint on that one.

So maybe we should find a way to just look at what’s being done and not so much who’s doing it when it comes to guys doing each other.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: You Could, But…

There are a lot of guys who feel as if they’re not as bisexual as they’re “supposed” to be and, at least for this moment, I’m not talking about those guys who throw it down with other guys but swear that they’re still straight – I might get to them, though.

There’s been this… pervasive notion that if/when two guys have sex, there must be kissing and cuddling to go along with cock sucking and fucking – then more kissing and cuddling after the fact. A lot of guys, both bi and gay, very much go about doing the deed in this way and, of course, one can watch gay porn and see all of this happening and, I dunno – maybe this notion gets reinforced a lot more. It’s true that when having sex with women, kissing and cuddling can be expected and with more cuddling after the fact and I’m thinking that some gay guys figured out a long time ago that if this works for women, it should work for guys, too. And it does… if the guy even wants to do any of that.

In my experiences, eh, kissing didn’t usually happen; I’m sure I can count on one hand how many guys I’ve kissed – but I’d have to use all of my digits, unzip, and borrow more digits and unzip a lot of other guys to count how many times I’ve stopped a guy from trying to kiss me… and I’m not a fan of it because I learned something that women say a lot: Men are usually lousy kissers… and a lot of guys are of a mind that it’s just too… weird to kiss another guy and, yeah, even I think it is.

Having said that, there are a lot of guys who, I’d guess, feel that they’re not all that bisexual if they don’t kiss and cuddle and as if they’re expected to when, really, you could, but if you’re not into it or otherwise don’t like it, you don’t have to if you don’t want to – and that’s true about any sexual act that you have reason not to be fond of or you’re just not ever gonna do.

The perception continues in that it’s a “given” that all guys who have sex with guys do it all; they suck cock and fuck and as a matter of course and because that’s the way it’s supposed to be so when a guy isn’t of a mind to do it all and as expected, not only can his sexuality be questioned but some guys are gonna wonder if they’re really as bisexual as they believe themselves to be. The truth is that they are bisexual since like anyone else who’s sexually active, there are things they’re going to do and things they’re not going to do so there being some kind of “mandate” to kiss and cuddle – and right along with everything else two guys can do – not only doesn’t make sense but shouldn’t invalidate a guy’s sexuality.

I mean, there are gay men who don’t do all that can be done… but no one would say or suggest that they’re not really gay so why would it be thought of or construed that if you’re a bi guy – but you don’t kiss and cuddle – then you’re not all that bi? I think it’s because of that thing of the way it’s supposed to be because “everyone knows” gay men do all of this… but bi guys aren’t fully gay, are they? And, again, a lot of guys watch gay porn and see all of this going on and can get it into their head that, yeah – this is the way it’s supposed to be… but if they find that there’s something in this they can’t or don’t want to do, it’s really okay – except there will be guys who won’t be okay with it and, again, might question your sexuality.

I can’t begin to count the many times someone has questioned my sexuality because of something I’m not gonna do or because of something that experience has taught me that I just don’t like. Every- and anything about sex with guys has always been… optional and/or even situational to a degree. Not all guys who are into sex with guys suck dick and swallow spunk nor do they all fuck or be fucked. They could, but if they don’t want to, all it really means is that they don’t want to. Humans have always had that “all or nothing” thing going on and we can be of a mind that if you’re not going to do it all, there’s no point in doing it at all.

The way it’s supposed to be and the way it can be… but if you don’t want to, can’t wrap your head around something, well, that’s your choice and all the other person who wants – and even demands – that you do this the way it’s supposed to be can do is get pissed off about it and if they do, yeah – they just might have enough balls to question the validity of your sexuality.

Indeed – a lot of guys are just fine with lips meeting bodies… as long as it’s not lips on lips. I don’t know how many times I’ve gone to nibble on a guy’s ear or his neck – and he’s flinched or just moved away and I’ve had to say, “Don’t worry – I’m not gonna kiss you…” Truth is that a lot of guys just ain’t feeling that whether they think it’s way too intimate or it’s just a major turn-off for them. A lot of guys don’t like having their body kissed or licked – well, except for their cock… and that’s provided that they like having their cock kissed, licked, and sucked to begin with… and some guys just don’t.

Does it mean that their sexuality is in question? I don’t think so… but, sadly, a lot of guys will question it and a lot of guys can and will find reason to question themselves it, say, the thought of eating another guy’s ass makes them want to throw up. If bisexuality doesn’t teach one anything, it teaches that just because you can do it (or it can be done) doesn’t mean you have to do it or that it has to be done. It’s just that we’ve all bought into the idea that when you’re going to have sex with someone, you’re expected, required, and even demanded to do everything humanly possible to make the sex good for them… and even if a thing is deemed to be not so good for you to do – and regardless to whether or not you’ve proven to yourself that it’s not a good thing.

Seriously… there’s a reason why everyone who has sex has learned to have that list of things they like and don’t like that coincides with that which they will do… and what they’re not ever gonna do. Now, it’s not as if one can’t change their mind or make an exception; it’s usually situational – the right person in their right moment or, sometimes, yeah – lemme kiss him because while it’s not something I do all of the time, it feels right to do it this time and that’s fine… if the other guy is going to allow it. And maybe he will… and that doesn’t mean he’s gonna like it. It’s one of the reasons why negotiations can be quite involved and includes likes and dislikes because it just makes sense to get them onto the table ASAP so that if things proceed, there won’t be any “expectations” or surprises and, of course, if the lists of like and dislikes are too disparate, well, deal broken.

Sorry about that and, yeah, it would have be fun.

Bisexuals have this… need to validate their sexuality and many do it via sex; it’s not that they haven’t managed to get their head around being bisexual because many do and they’ve confirmed to themselves that, if nothing else, this is how they feel. The proof in the pudding comes in the doing – and the pun is intended this time – so if a guy finds that he can, indeed, have the sex, his sexuality is now validated… but to me, it’s been validated twice and, honestly, that’s not that big of a deal since one does have to prove to themselves that they can actually do any of the stuff they’ve been thinking about. Sometimes, however, a lot of guys wind up feeling some kind of way when they, say, go to give the other guy a serious helping of tongue in the mouth… and the other guy ain’t about to let that happen.

And in the “how can this be made any worse” department, even when two guys agree on what to do when they get together, I sometimes think that neither guy gives much thought to the fact that being in the moment just might make someone change their mind and now they want to do that thing they agreed not to do. It’s not that guys in this situations will just go ahead and do it and under the “it’s better to beg forgiveness” rule – many of us are quite capable of… restraining ourselves but, yeah, sometimes, shit just happens and now it’s a matter of whether the unscheduled – and unexpected – thing is going to be a problem or not. At the least, the attempted thing gets rebuffed and at the worst, total mood killer.

However, none of this means that a guy isn’t as bisexual as he’s “supposed to be;” it just means that there are some things that he’s not gonna do and because he just doesn’t want to, let alone like doing whatever – and even if he’s decided that he’s not gonna like it without actually experiencing it a few times. The perception is that sex between men is a no-brainer… and I’m here this morning to tell you that it really isn’t and then ask why should it be a no-brainer? Just because I won’t, can’t, or just don’t feel like doing one of the many things a guy can do to another guy doesn’t mean I’m any less of a bisexual… but the sad part is that there are many guys who will think just that.

Have I ever mentioned how funny guys can be about this? If we – and I mean guys who have sex with women – know that there are sexual things that women don’t like doing and we kinda/sorta accept that even if we don’t like that they won’t do a thing or stupidly think it’s something they’re supposed to do no matter what, does it not make sense that there are guys who are gonna be just like that as well? I think and know so. If a woman ain’t into sucking dick, does that make her any less of a woman? I say it doesn’t… but a lot of guys will say that it does. If a woman doesn’t like having her coochie eaten, that doesn’t make her any less of a woman and, shit, yeah – if she doesn’t want to kiss you, does that really invalidate her femininity?

Hell, no, it doesn’t… but, well, you get the picture and idea. If it’s deemed that this is just the way she is, then it should be just the way a guy can be about it, too; it’s just that other guys will think and say differently and some guys will, once again, really question if they’re really bisexual.

This gets seriously cray-cray…

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Summer Heat

I love summer. The heat. The laziness of it. Well, ah, the younger version of myself loved it even more than I do now. No school until September, looking forward to going to summer camp somewhere along the line and daily moments of… boys being boys.

There was always something to do on those hot summer days, from hiking along the creek to scrounging up enough bottles to get the refund for them so we could go swimming which, come to think about it, never really gave much relief from the heat but it was better than sweating… almost… because summer meant there were plenty of days where sweating was the thing you wanted to do when boys were being boys.

I think about those summer days and how many times we’d get together – as a group or one-on-one to hang out and go through the whole list of things we could do for fun… or to get in trouble – and there was always that sense that we were just putting those things out there and paying lip service to them so we could do what we really wanted to do.

Have sex with each other. Summer was perfect for it since we’d all get tossed outside and pretty much left to our own devices and since we rarely left our neighborhood – unless we were going to the creek or swimming and that called for letting our parents know where we were going – we could vanish for hours, giving us more than enough time to do the things boys weren’t supposed to do to and with each other.

Then there were the days when there was just nothing else to do; too hot to be running around, no bottles to collect to go swimming and just being outside was… boring as anything could get… except, hmm, there was one thing that could be done and provided you could find someone who was just as bored as you were.

One of the things those summer days taught me was that when you leave guys to their own devices, there’s no telling what might happen or what gets thought about or even being in one of those “weird” moments where one or both guys just somehow know what they should do; now, whether it comes up or just goes unaddressed is something else but in the summer days of my youth? No question about what had to be done and the only thing standing in the way was waiting for someone to ask, “What do you wanna do?”

It was funny in that we’d go through this process even though we knew exactly what we wanted to do… even if there was, in fact, something else to be done. People chalk all of this up to experimentation but as I mentioned a while back, it was more like exploration. Not just exploring sex itself but exploring it in a way that was very taboo and forbidden. I’d even go as far to say that the first time a guy did this, that was the experiment and if he felt it was a success, then the exploration would begin in earnest.

And summertime provided many chances to explore. Going away to summer camp? Just a greater opportunity to explore as guys from all over the area came together to do summer camp stuff – and to get us out of our parents’ hair for a time – but even in this environment where there was always something to do, there were still those times when boys being boys was the thing to do… and because we could. We’d want to. Maybe to dispel the belief that we – and in our local group of male friends – weren’t the only ones deep into this kind of exploration. Always exciting and promising to hear some kid you just met ask The Question: Have you ever done it with another boy?

And, most of the time, if the answer was no, well, chances were very good that you were gonna find out what it was like to do it with another boy… and I stopped being surprised by the number of guys who hadn’t done it yet, were actually afraid to do it, but would be more than eager to do it anyway. Even that environment was ripe for exploration and more so since, at least at the camp I went to, the showers were just like those in school so there was always that exposure to naked male bodies and, yeah, guys looking while trying not to look; you could even tell the guys who were eager to do it from those who weren’t because the ones who didn’t would set world records for showering and hauling ass out of there… and the guys who did would, ah, take their own sweet time showering to both enjoy the view… and hope that maybe something would happen.

And sometimes it did; a lot of dicks got sucked in the shower and some asses would get fucked since, you know, soap is pretty slippery and all that. The risk of a counselor barging in and asking why we were taking so long to shower was always present but it was worth it and, honestly? I think the counselors knew and maybe even expected it and, just like at home, “allowed” it… as long as you didn’t get caught doing anything… and I can only remember maybe one or two times when some guys got caught and even then, instead of being shipped back home and ratted out to parents, they just got a stern lecture and warned to never do that again.

But they knew that, yeah, it was gonna happen again anyway.

You grow up and summertime takes on new meanings with fewer chances to explore and indulge in such sinful behavior… but it’s still a good time of the year for boys to be boys even when they become men. The days are hot… and our blood and lust runs hotter and there’s no denying it and more so if you were a guy who, when younger, loved the hot, summer days where dicks would get sucked and finished or wind up in someone’s backside to finish that way. Or just to sit side by side and jerk each other off and do some oohing and ahhing to see fresh, young sperm spitting into the air and creating sticky puddles wherever it landed.

Knowing it was naughty. Forbidden. Just so unspeakable in so many ways… but so much fun to partake in. Being very aware of the risk of getting caught in the act and pretty much not giving a damn about it. Maybe the guys who shied away from the exploration were missing out on something… important and even vital – and maybe, ah, maybe they were the smart ones not to get hooked on the forbidden pleasures to be found and had with another guy’s prick and the indescribable joy found in getting him to spill his seed in your mouth, ass, and sometimes both… while having the sure knowledge that you were gonna get to spill your own seed with him or, really, any guy who wanted to do it.

Some even say this is a sort of rite of passage and despite the forbidden nature of it and that it prepares us for sex and intimacy with women – well, at least the basics of it. And while this could and would be a year-round endeavor, summertime was… perfect for it and at least where I lived and among the guys I hung out with, we couldn’t wait for school to let out for the summer so that the “real lessons” could begin.

Hot. Sultry. The unrelenting heat… and I’m not talking about just the weather. Sometimes intense and stormy and that, too, described the weather and season. Spending time indoors with a fellow member of the secret society while it rained cats and dogs? A lot more fun than one might think because one got very good at sound like having some harmless fun… while having a very different kind of fun. Lightning would flash; thunder would roar… and not all of it was due to the weather.

How could one not love summer when it finally arrived? The freedom from the tedium of going to school and being free to explore things since, again, most of the time? We were left to our own devices, commanded and demanded to get out of the house and do something – and something other than getting into trouble and as boys are wont to do. Just a thing that if you were gonna get into some kind of trouble, er, ah, there was always that one thing that could be done that was worth getting into trouble over…

If you got caught doing it. Oh, it happened but for the most part? Not so much and even then I had wondered why more of us didn’t get busted and punished for our wickedness… and I thought that those in charge of us probably did know what we were doing when out of their sight… and sometimes right under their noses. They knew… because it’s always been a boys being boys kind of thing and, I guess, it was easier to just let it happen, to let it run its course, than to keep it from happening since, at least for the horny motherfuckers I grew up with, telling us not to do this was the same as telling us to go ahead and do it.

Just. Don’t. Get. Caught.

I think of Sly and The Family Stone’s song, “Summertime” and the part of the lyrics that says, “Hot fun in the summertime…” and, yeah, buddy, we had lots of hot fun in the summertime because, um, there wasn’t really anything better to do when you and your pal were left to your own devices on those hot, steamy, summer days…

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: The Secret Society

As I’ve mentioned, I grew up with some pretty horny dudes and it seemed to me that we all got “awakened” to sex at almost the same time including masturbation. But those of us who were “unknowingly” bisexual, it was quite the secret society since you had to be “one of us” to know that we weren’t straight and that we were having sex like it was nobody’s business.

It wasn’t about being outed as being gay that kept this a secret – it was the very real fear of some neighborhood adult catching any of us in the act… and I grew up in a time where the adult neighbors could whup your ass for something, take you home, rat you out, and you’d get your ass whupped again by your parents.

So if you didn’t need to know – or we didn’t want you to know – you might suspect that we were up to something… but we’d never confirm nor deny the allegations.

Or so we thought. Today I can look back at our “secret society” and how we thought that we were the only ones who knew what we were doing and there was no way anyone else could find out; what we didn’t know about was that a lot of other guys were feeling the same things we were and looking for other boys to do it with. Nothing else explained how one of us could be hanging out with a guy who wasn’t a known member of the Society of Really Horny Motherfuckers and that guy would pop the question:

“Have you ever done it with another boy?” Sometimes panic would set in – who was the rat who ratted about what we were doing? Yeah, sometimes, our… activities got spread by word of mouth but outside of that, it never occurred to us that we weren’t the only guys in the ‘hood looking to check this out.

We were some horny fuckers… didn’t say we were all Wile E. Coyote brilliant and that the obvious couldn’t just sail right over our heads; we just didn’t think like that and I thought that our tendency to always be in the moment allowed the obvious to fly right past us.

Guys were “inviting” themselves into the secret society either by asking The Question or, even at our ages, trying to be slick and/or trying to appear to be ‘innocent’ of any of this… and sometimes being subtle about it wasn’t a consideration, oh, like, hanging out with a guy who wasn’t a known member and he just pulls his dick out and starts playing with it… and hoping this in-your-face hint would jumpstart you to do what he wanted to do while hoping that you wanted to do it, too.

They call it experimentation and I guess it remains to be an accurate description although, in later years, I’d see it more like exploration and, perhaps, the “experiment” was to see if one could do it or not; if they found that they could, then the exploration began and, um, in our “branch” of the Society of Really Horny Motherfuckers, the exploration was off the chain… and our numbers were growing and it didn’t take one very long to realize that things weren’t just contained and confined to our particular neighborhood:

There were branches all over the city… and even more that many of us didn’t know about like going away to summer camp and finding yourself rooming with another society member from another city or state. From all walks of life; things like race and color didn’t mean a whole lot and despite the early racial tensions of those early days, there were a lot of guys who were society members and, in this, totally colorblind.

With the one and only caveat and “rule:” Don’t. Get. Caught. Now, many societies had a second rule that, for the most part, was upheld: I won’t tell if you won’t. But, yeah, some would tell anyway, not for the purpose of starting some shit or getting someone into trouble but because all of this was so damned exciting that you just couldn’t keep it to yourself…

Which usually had the effect of adding more members to the society. While there were many young horny fuckers who weren’t of a mind to join the society, well, yeah – a lot at least wanted to give it a try and those experimenters would either walk away from it or join the society.

A whole lot of boys. Of difference ages and other demographic stuff. Masturbators. Cock suckers. No real qualms about anal either way. Some members reveled in doing it all while others had their favorite things to do. Things like guilt and shame were usually quickly conquered because the amazingly intense urge to do it would pretty much override guilt and shame and the logic, at least for us, was easy: Does it make sense to feel guilty/be ashamed of something you wanted to do?

It didn’t. I don’t know how many times another society member and I would be doing something and one of us would say, “You know we shouldn’t be doing this, right?”

And the other would respond, “Yeah, I know…” and things kept right on going. Were we ignorant of the risks? No… well, perhaps ignorant of all the possible risks but, again, the only one any of us were concerned with was not getting caught having sex with another boy. The need for secrecy was important because all it took was for the wrong guy to find out that you were a “fag” and the word would spread faster than wildfire and you’d be subjected to just how fucking evil and brutal some kids could be.

Nobody wanted to deal with this aspect of growing up and especially for this reason so the society remained… under cover? Not all that widely “advertised?” If you didn’t need or want to know, you just weren’t gonna know who was a member of the society and who wasn’t. Today we say that what you suspect is one thing but what you can prove is something else… but within young peer groups? You didn’t have to be suspected of anything to get “outed” as being a fairy or some other derogatory term.

Once you get a reputation for something – and even if you did nothing to earn it – “fixing” it was pretty much impossible. Despite that – and in my local chapter – the society flourished and we learned some shit about sex that, of course, we weren’t supposed to know about but, as I began to suspect, it was known that we were gonna find out about it. We weren’t supposed to experiment with sex, let alone in the boy/boy way of things but it wasn’t unexpected. Wasn’t allowed but you only got in trouble if you got caught and sometimes if too many people were running their mouth and word got back to those who would seriously take you to task for disobeying the order not to do that… or, in rare cases, being dumb or careless enough to get caught or letting it be known you were a member of the secret society.

Society members would come and go (seriously, no pun intended) while the more die-hard of us stayed the course and, often, more so because trying to talk your way into a girl’s panties wasn’t even close to being easy – and some girls preferred to do it to each other before letting some boy with his nasty, scary, and horrible cock do it to them. The way girls were made to be traumatized before they even gave a single thought to having sex was, well, I still shake my head over some of the things I’ve heard that women were told.

So because of this, the secret society remained. Faces changed. Some guys “resigned” from the society and regretfully so in order to do what men are supposed to do – meet a girl, fall in love with her, marry her, have babies – all that stuff.

I’d say that at the height of the great prejudice aimed at homosexuals, it became a great necessity for the secret society to be even more secret. It wasn’t just the few gay guys among us that had to worry – all of us who were going both ways had to worry; the older we all got, the more… vicious people one could come across and they were to be avoided at all costs since a lot of them would be of a mind to do you bodily harm.

Yeah… pretty sure I don’t – or didn’t – know anyone who liked to be bullied and made to fight or even get their ass kicked to even being suspected of being a society member. And I’d like you to keep in mind that this was, for me, between 1964 and perhaps through 1974… or thereabouts. The social angst was still very much on homosexuals, which allowed bisexuals to keep flying under the radar and, as I’ve said time and time again, not without good reason.

What makes me scratch my head a lot these days is that call for all bisexuals to come out and be known… when we still live in a society that isn’t exactly kind to those who aren’t straight – and homosexuals “won” a long and hard fought battle to be recognized like everyone else is… and suffered many casualties of war in the process. It makes me scratch my head to see those “you all gotta come out” people insisting on it even when it’s explained to them how inherently bad it can be and the potential to suffer losses that, well, are intolerable like family and friends. That faction insists that because we ain’t feeling that as an entire demographic group, well, we’re not real. We don’t really exist. We’re invisible.

But the secret society has always been invisible and not really as a matter of course but out of necessity since, again, those of my generation know all too well what happened to anyone who was outed as being gay. Not bi. Gay. Because people are, sorry to say this, stupid. Ignorant. Totally and completely clueless and narrow-minded beyond belief.

Let me get this straight: There’s a faction out there who want you to stand up and literally paint a target on yourself so that those who ain’t fans of anyone who isn’t straight can take pot-shots at you? So that the opinions others have of you can go from good to so bad it ain’t even funny? So you can be subjected to a great deal of sexual prejudice?

No wonder the secret society is secret; unless you want or need to know, you’re not gonna know because just like anything else connected with sex, what the society does ain’t none of your fucking business… unless you wanna join but that, unfortunately, can be difficult since many of the society’s membership don’t exactly go around letting everyone know they’re a member of the society.

We don’t look “the type” because we look just like everyone else and, as I’ve said, you could be standing next to a member of the society and not even know it unless they want you to know it. People see this as a problem when it’s pretty much business as usual for the Society of Really Horny Motherfuckers and, yes, indeed, some of the members are female.

What… you thought it was a boys-only thing? Silly you!

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Why Group Sex?

I’ve heard this question a lot: Why is it that when someone is bisexual, the first thing they think of is a threesome (or some other form of group sex)? A lot of people hear “threesome” and get pretty freaked out about it and, yep, some hear it and they’re all for it. Some of this is all about how they believe sex is supposed to be done – one-on-one and definitely no witnesses and for many, group sex is pretty scary and for some can conjure up some even more scary shit in their mind and, sure, being self-conscious about some stuff will lend itself to avoiding any kind of group sex like the plague.

But is there a reason for this group sex thing? I think there is and I don’t expect anyone to agree with what I’m about to say but for a lot of people – including bisexuals – participating in group sex is the ultimate in sexual expression. One of the things I learned early on was that when one says, “Okay… I’m bisexual!” it almost literally opens their mind about sex, going from what it’s supposed to be and expanding to include all of the possibilities… and group sex is one of them.

It’s not so much to put their bisexuality on display as it is a chance to put their changed attitude and thoughts about sex not only on display but being able to shed their previous thoughts about having sex and as proof that they’re as open about sex as they think and even feel that they are.

Now, it’s not that all bisexuals want to try this on for size; not all bisexuals will bring the subject up but a lot do think and fantasize about it. It’s kinda “forbidden” in that “sex is only between two people” way and many people say that until you’ve had some kind of group sex, you really haven’t had sex. Opinions in this differ, of course, and many people ain’t feeling this because, just like everything else in sex, there are horror stories out the wazoo about how these things go wrong and sometimes terribly wrong.

Well, that’s usually because we don’t know how to have sex with more than one person and, yes – you actually have to learn how to. For some it’s “easy” while for others, well, to say “not so much” is a gross understatement. Between what we believe about having sex, our experiences and, yup, the horror stories, being a participant in group sex is, again, pretty scary for a lot of people and even for those who’d say, “I’d try it, but…” and following the “but” is a long list of why they wouldn’t, from believing “it’s not right” to being very self-conscious thinking about their bodies… and the fact that there’s going to be other people watching them being vulnerable having sex.

Shudder. The horror of it all. What are people gonna think about me? Well, on that one, um, unless you or someone else kisses and tells, how is anyone else gonna find out? But the concern is valid since it’s said that people who have sex like this are sluts and dogs and shamefully so. I know a lot of people who will tell you straight up how much they love sex… but mention group sex to them… and watch them backpedal.

Let me get this out of the way and I’m going to also say that I’m not even trying to offend anyone so don’t take this the wrong way but a lot of women will not get into group sex because of their fear of being raped and, yes, I’ve heard women say this and it is understandable because one guy going at them is okay… but two or maybe more guys? Oh, hell, no! What are guys like in this? Well, there’s the “homo” thing and then given how territorial we are about the pussy, eh, sharing it with some other dude? Not gonna happen. Then add on any concerns they might have about their dick and performance issues and, yeah – not gonna do that.

So, in a lot of ways – and ya still might not agree – group sex is a test of one’s true desire and love of having sex… and many people find that they don’t love it as much as they say they do. We are made to be inhibited about sex and it’s not a coincidence that when some folks have their inhibitions removed – and you can surely blame it on the alcohol in most cases – finding themselves in a pile of bodies “all of a sudden” sounds like a fun thing to do and turns out to be a lot of fun… until they sober up and their inhibitions slam back into place.

Some are mortified beyond belief and some manage to grudgingly accept that when they get cronked, um, yeah – ain’t no telling what they might do. Again, some pretty scary shit and more so when they remember everything that took place and, shit, how wild and uninhibited they were and, yep, sometimes, they did some stuff that, if they weren’t all cronked up, they wouldn’t do for all the tea in China.

Personally, I’ve had people ask me, “How can you do that shit?” A couple of reasons (really a few of them). One, I grew up with it. Two, I don’t have much in the way of inhibitions to get rid of and by any means. Three, um, er, I really love sex that much so the more, the merrier and even more so when things turn into a huge no holds barred, free for all where everyone in the mix is fair game and whatever happens, happens.

And no regrets whatsoever. No embarrassment. Don’t know the meaning of the word “shame.” Well, okay, I do know the meaning of the word – I just don’t feel any shame. We’re supposed to have sex but we do get shamed to death about it and in a whole lot of ways.

“Dude, you are one freaky motherfucker!” I’ve been told and I’ve said, “Yep, I sure am…” but to me, it’s not being freaky – it’s just me enjoying having sex and with a lot of other people in attendance, both watching and participating. It’s fun and, yep, sometimes it isn’t and I’ve seen sessions go very badly and there are a slew of reasons why they do but at the top of the list, in my opinion, is that we never learn how to do this… and we don’t learn because we’re not supposed to know how to do it.

Shit, some of us are funny about having sex with just one person. Still, a lot of people are of a mind that when a bisexual brings up a group sex thing, it’s because they went from plain vanilla to a super freak in the sheets when that’s not really the case since a lot of bisexuals still wouldn’t go there for any reason. It’s just the “next” form of sexual expression; it’s “proof” that you’re really free and liberated from what everyone else thinks sex is supposed to be and how it’s supposed to be done. For many, a threesome is about sharing that liberation and sexual expression.

Even among those who participate as a matter of course, there are usually rules of engagement that sometimes turns a good idea into a not so good one; I’ve seen so many limit what can be done and who can do what and while this makes sense, it kinda doesn’t since, once more in my opinion, you’ve removed one set of inhibitions in order to enforce and employ a different set of inhibitions and, as I’ve observed too many times, discounting how shit can happen in the heat of the moment and when it’s not expected to happen. I say again that there are a lot of people who really do believe that shit ain’t ever supposed to happen… and it better not happen.

Insecurities, jealousy, envy, possessiveness, self-consciousness and even a very inflexible view of thinking where sex is concerned. There are those who would literally give you the shirt off their back… but they’d never share themselves in sex and for couples, hell, no – this is my pussy/dick and I ain’t sharing it with anybody.

The topic makes a lot of people feel some kind of way and I do tell newbie bisexuals that, depending on the person they’re with (or who they hang around with), eh, you might not want to mention it or bring it up unless you’re fairly sure you can do it without winding up being tarred and feathered. What if someone else brings it up? Okay, that takes any pressure off of you where bringing it up goes and, if nothing else, you can say that you’re all for it… or you aren’t. And you should always be aware of the fact that you don’t have to engage in any form of group sex if you don’t want to.

Some say that for bisexuals, group sex is a sort of rite of passage and further proof of their bisexuality and I don’t necessarily disagree with that. Again, I know that being bisexual – or otherwise finding yourself sexually liberated – just allows one to slip their sexual chains and opens up a lot of the possibilities that we’re not supposed to get into. I’ve said that bisexuality changes one’s views about sex – because it really does. Still, for some, some… inhibitions remain in place; sex is still only to be done one-on-one, no witnesses, no other participants. Just ain’t ever gonna go down like that. Too private. Ain’t nobody else’s business. The usual stuff and that can also include any situations that might have gone badly for some reason.

It’s too easy to assume that if the shit went bad that first time, it’s always gonna go bad and, sure, it might… and it might not and, yes, some have had a bad first experience with this but have gone on to discover that, if anything, that first time was a fluke of sorts. At the end of any day, it’s really about how much you really and truly enjoy sex and having an understanding of what your own inhibitions are and why you have them… and then being able to get rid of them so you can engage in and enjoy a form of sex that is just as old as humanity is.

It’s just not an easy thing for a lot of people to do. You not only have to want to do it – you have to learn how to do it and even then a lot of people carry with them that list of what they’re not ever gonna do when it comes to sex, whether it’s one-or-one or the infamous “drunken orgy.” Even in this, everything is negotiable.

For bisexuals, it’s a test. I’ve said that having the sex this way is a serious test for a lot of bisexuals and this group sex thing is an even bigger test. Some pass with flying colors. Many do not and because they may have changed their sexuality but not the way they look at sex specifically and generally. Some folks are aware of the power of sex and how it can unlock some shit about them that they’d rather not have unlocked and, believe me, that’s some very scary shit. Some folks aren’t aware of the power of sex and/or they believe that they can always exert control over sex’s power.

And many find out that they really can’t. Hidden things get unlocked. Vulnerabilities get exposed and even one’s skill and ability to perform can have a bright light shined on it. Group sex will test your limits; it’ll test your sensibilities; it will expose you in ways that a lot of people just do not ever want to be exposed.

And then you have the people like me. Someone says, “Let’s all get naked and have sex!” and chances are I’ll be the first one naked and raring to go. Let’s do this. Don’t worry about this shit you “normally” worry about. Let’s get naked and explore the possibilities with each other and have fun doing it. It’s not about being careless in that sense – it’s really about being able to enjoy sex in a way that tends to make a whole lot of people soil themselves… and even bisexuals.

It’s not for everyone and I’m not ever gonna bullshit you about that. You gotta have a certain… mindset about sex and you pretty much have to be fearless in this. People, if they should find out that you did this, are gonna look at you with either great disdain… or with a lot of awe. They might jump all in your ass for doing such a heinous thing… or they’re gonna be very jealous that you’re able to do something that they can’t do.

“Shit… I’d never do that shit…” is, again, something I’ve heard time and time again. “You gotta be some kind of fucked up in the head to do that shit!” and I’ve heard this one, too, but, ah, last night, me and a bunch of other people had sex – what did you do last night?

It tends to crack me up to hear people talk about how they’re all wild and all that when having sex… but they can’t or won’t have group sex… and for some, the thought of having a bisexual in the mix just fucks with their head too much. What scares some people about this? It’s usually because bisexuals aren’t limited in their ability to sexually express themselves – but it never means that they’re not in control of themselves. In a MFM threesome and one guy is straight? Oh, yeah – chances are that both guys are going to be very, very worried about anything happening between them and even incidental contact can cause some issues. Do women worry about that when the threesome is FMF or even FFM? Some do… and some don’t so much.

It’s all about what you think sex is supposed to be like and how it’s “always” supposed to be done. Bisexuals? We don’t tend to think in those terms but, again, some of us still do. Just because this form of sexual expression might get unlocked doesn’t mean that it absolutely and positively has to happen – and it usually doesn’t, for the most part. And if it does, it’s just like any other kind of sex in that it’s only going to be as good as you’re willing to make it for yourself and whoever else happens to be with you.

I’ve been in a lot of very controlled and scripted group sex; I’ve also been in a lot of “we don’t need no stinkin’ rules!” situations where everyone is fair game and if you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. I’ve seen guys suck cock who’ve never done it before; I’ve seen women get seriously up close and personal with other women, too. I’ve seen people have more fun than they’ve ever experienced before… and I’ve seen people just not have a good time with this form of expression.

Bisexuals get their head handed to them because group sex just seems to be so “automatic” when, again, while some bisexuals do think about it, it doesn’t always happen because, duh, you still have to be able to convince other people that this is gonna be fun and there’s nothing to worry about.

Good luck with that one. There is some very human shit one has to be able to get past and beyond to be able to engage in any form of group sex. Some people can. Many just can’t and regardless to their sexuality.

That’s just the reality of this. A lot of people dream and fantasize about this… and that’s as far as it’s going to go. A lot of people actually throw it down like this and especially those in poly families (and how well do I know that). It just makes sense to not only have sex one-on-one but to have it as a group since, in a poly family, you’re really and truly in this thing together so having sex with each other as a group, well, it makes sense for everyone to be able to enjoy everyone else in a nice hot and sweaty pile of bodies. Even in this, people are usually only going to do that which agrees with their sensibilities… but, yeah, some other… stuff might jump off and “simply” because it should jump off.

Just really a matter of how you’re willing and able to sexually express yourself and, yeah, if you can do this without being fearful of getting your head handed to you, why the hell not? If you can get rid of your fears and inhibitions and rethink what sex is and see it for what it can be, you might be good to go.

And if you can’t, then you just can’t. No shame in this. You gotta learn how to have sex in this way and not everyone can learn it. Not everyone can manage to leave their inhibitions at the door and, again, not every bisexual is that sexually liberated. And, yeah, I have the nerve to say that if you tried it before and it wasn’t all that, well, why not try it again? I know why most people won’t and that’s because once we deem something to be bad, we will always see it as bad even when we’re astute enough to understand that the conditions that existed at that time we didn’t have a good time won’t be exactly the same or, to simplify, that was then.

This is now. Nope… not trying to convince anyone to do something they can’t or won’t do; I’m just the guy who tries to explain this group sex thing where bisexuals are concerned and that you don’t have to be bisexual to enjoy sex this way.

It helps, though, even because of the way one now thinks about sex. My bisexuality took everything I was taught about sex and threw it away and I learned some new ways to have sex and to express myself in this way. Lots of good times… and probably more than my fair share of not so good times. But that’s just how sex tends to go for all of us. One-on-one? Sure, we can do that. Do it as a group? Okay – I’m game if you are! No shame. Not much in the way of inhibitions. Pretty much fearless. Carefree but not careless. It’s “just sex” and in one of the many ways we – humans – can have and enjoy it… if we can learn to have it and enjoy it.

There are rules about having sex… and a whole lot of people – and regardless to sexuality – say, “Fuck the rules – let’s get naked and do this!” and because it’s fun… and it’s sex.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: “What Am I Doing Wrong?”

There isn’t a day that goes by when I’m on the forum and I don’t see someone wondering why they are having such a hard time having the sex they’re craving as a bisexual. Guys are asking about the best apps to use and more so since Craigslist shut that avenue down and, from what I hear, places that are trying to fill that void don’t seem to be doing all that well.

They wanna know where other men hang out – bookstores with glory holes, bathhouses, places like that and these places exist in some places and don’t in others. You’d think that this would be kinda simple to find like-minded individuals who have the same goal as you do: Having the sex. Except, it’s never been easy or as simple as thinking, “Well, if I’m bisexual and they are, too, then we should be able to do something!”

Again, I point to my own and early experiences to make a point, that being, for us it really was as easy as asking another guy a couple of questions: Have you ever done it with another boy… and do you wanna do it with me? If yes, then it was on but if no, eh, okay – you sure you’re not gonna change your mind?

But then people get older, become more wary and leery about things and if this doesn’t stop someone dead in their tracks in this pursuit, they become… picky. Very picky. And sometimes so much so that there isn’t a human on the planet anywhere who could meet their requirements and many have a lot of requirements and conditions. Tack on a great need for discretion, which is a good thing since most bisexuals don’t ever want to get outed and it limits the number of people “available” to have sex with since being discrete can be taken to extremes as well and as evidenced by the number of people who won’t even let another person know that they’re interested in them and even when the mutual interest is sometimes very obvious.

Then there’s the casual sex versus relationship sex rift that makes it damned near impossible for a lot of bisexuals who need the sex to get it and, yeah, toss the disease card onto the table and things get even more iffy. There are times when I see both men and women just “sitting on their asses” and as if they’re waiting for the right person to magically appear and, to make matters worse, they’re not really putting forth any effort to find someone, oh, like getting an app and signing up… and then not really trying to engage the membership or, if they do, shit – so many fakes and flaky people that makes it too much like work.

Many are, indeed, risk-adverse and even more worry about being rejected out of hand. Now, I admit that I don’t know a whole lot about how women go about this but I do know how guys go about it and some of the things I’ve seen are such that it makes me say that we make this harder than it has to be. Many of us will “engage” with a guy and proffer our laundry list of what we want to do and what we ain’t gonna do. Many get “hit” on by really aggressive guys who are very pointed in what they want and what they expect you do to and if you’re not gonna drop whatever you’re doing to accommodate them in the next ten minutes, you ain’t shit and now you’re the flakey fake.

It’s not that women don’t have their own issues in this because they do and women can be very picky about who they wanna get naked with although I’ve been of a mind here of late that men make women look ridiculously easy in this regard. But, as I’ve said many times, women want someone they can relate to at the emotional level and if that can be established, the sex isn’t that big of a deal so much. And while men are also trying to do things this way, well, shit – a lot of other men aren’t trying to hear anything that has to do with that desired emotional connection; let’s just get naked and do something, jeez! You act like we’ve got all the time in the world to establish an emotional connection that will allow us to feel comfortable enough to have sex!

I’ve said time and time again that there are many of us who set the bar so high that we become the unreachable and unattainable. We want it the way we want it and we’re not accepting any substitutions or deviations from what we want and, yeah, who we want it from. Even when I’ve asked people, “What’s the minimum thing a person has to meet in order to have sex with you?” I’ve often heard a list of things that isn’t all that different from their “normal” requirements. I’ve had people push back against having a minimal set of requirements because, again, they want what they want and in the exact way they want it; it’s their right to do this and they don’t have to change anything in this regard… because they don’t have to.

And, usually, they’re not going to… even when you can point out to them how high they’ve set the bar and, as a result, how impossible they’ve made it to get the sex they want and need. Then they become despondent, disillusioned, and frustrated and in many situations I’m aware of, it’s everyone else’s fault except theirs.

When I chat with my protege about this – and even he has his own set of gripes and complaints about this, I always tell him that the one thing a lot of do wrong is giving more weight and importance to what we want to do and not so much consideration to what we can do and even then what’s the least thing we are willing to do and then can we be satisfied with the least.

He likes to ask me why there aren’t more men willing to just whip their dicks out and suck each other dry and I tell him that some guys aren’t cock suckers and for some that’s just foreplay and not the main thing, so on and so forth. I keep asking him a question – what happens when two tops get together? And then I give him the answer: Nothing. But now it’s an exercise for him to tell me why nothing happens. You’d think that, at the very least, two tops – or even two bottoms – can get together and blow each other’s brains out, right? And it could happen…

But it probably won’t. Again, I don’t know how women deal with this and mainly because they don’t wanna talk about it… but I know that men have totally and completely mind fucked themselves about the whole top/bottom thing and have stringently defined these roles so much that, say, just getting together to suck each other off is a difficult thing to do.

Not all men suck cock. Not all men are into anal sex. Likewise, not all women eat pussy or are into tribbing. The general perception is that this is always true and, I’ve thought, based upon how gay folks are “known” to do and the glaring thing, in my opinion, is that, um, no – we, as bisexuals, aren’t gay despite being able to have sex that way.

Men rift about reciprocation. It’s either needed or not so much. It’s expected or you’d better not even think about asking for reciprocation. Even I will tell a guy that if he’s not gonna suck my dick, I’m not going to be of a mind to suck his because why should he be the only one having that particular bit of fun? You wanna bone me in the butt? Well, fella, if you’re not gonna bend over and grab your ankles, too, how much fun do you think that’s gonna be for me?

What we do wrong is pay more attention to what we want to do and what we’re not ever gonna do for anyone or for any reason. What we do wrong is that we don’t want to put forth the effort to be the hunter and the hunted; very few of us have a minimum set of requirements and even fewer of us are willing to literally negotiate things.

What we do wrong is make this harder than it has to be. Let’s not make any mistakes here: We all learn what we like and what we don’t like but we’re human in that we’re more likely to stay with that which we like and avoid that which we don’t like… even if we’ve never done that particular thing. We talk about the fluidity of bisexuality… but not so much about the flexibility that’s also inherent in this. In this, many of us are quite rigid and, I think, a lot of us don’t really rethink what we know about sex – again, the way it’s supposed to be versus the way it can be.

It doesn’t mean that someone has to be willing and able to do it all but, again, men have boxed themselves into a corner with the top/bottom thing and have very rigidly defined these roles and to the point where a lot of tops will reject those bottoms are more… girly in their sexual mannerisms and there are bottoms who aren’t fans of really assertive or aggressive tops. And we do go about this – any of this – like it’s impossible to change our minds about something. It really is… frustrating to be an avid cock sucker and find yourself with a guy who doesn’t ever want his cock to be sucked; some don’t even want you to touch their cock. They don’t like that. It ruins things for them. They’ve convinced themselves that it’s their whole reason to be to give the pleasure and never to receive it.

Even in negotiations we’ll ask each other what we’re into which makes sense but, more often than not, a lot of deals get broken and negotiations break down because we never talk about what we’re willing to do and even if we tack on a condition or two like, “I’d like to get to know you better before I let you blow/fuck me…” It’s not that there aren’t guys who’d be okay with this – it’s the number of guys who aren’t okay with this. They want what they want right now or, in their minds, that getting into each other more thing ain’t working for them because in much of this, time is the enemy more than it’s a friend.

What we do wrong is not make it easier to have sex with each other. It’s okay to have that list of what you’re not gonna do but it’s also okay to have that list and make some exceptions and along the lines of, “With the right person (or situation) I might do (add something here).” If you go about this with a high degree of inflexibility, chances are you’re not gonna get the sex you want and need. What’s the least thing you’re willing and able to do? Most people can’t answer that question because, I guess, habitually, we go for max effort and max results.

A lot of bisexuals are going to remain frustrated and disillusioned until they fully realize that the reason why they’re frustrated and disillusioned is because very few people – including themselves – are willing to make it easy to have the sex… but they are willing to make it hard to get someone – and themselves – into bed. You can point this out and a lot of people will say, “Yeah, but…” and you’re just not going to convince them that making themselves more available or getting out there and do more hunting so they can also be hunted and even having a minimum set of requirements is going to be in their best interest.

A lot of bisexuals say that other people are stopping them from being able to explore their sexuality and this is, sadly, very valid. But the person who’s really stopping them is… themselves. For the man or woman who really wants to know what oral sex is like on the other side of the fence? What are you willing to do in order to experience this? What are your expectations? What things, in your mind, are non-negotiable? Do you have issues with casual sex and by this I mean do you believe that doing it just to be doing it doesn’t mean anything?

And if you’re not getting any like this, well, why aren’t you? Are you pointing the finger at everyone who might be out there? Are you not looking at how you’re going about things or, perhaps, willing to admit to yourself that you’ve set the bar way too high? And, importantly, have you considered that there are a lot of other people out there who have set their own bars impossibly high?

To the question of, “What am I doing wrong?” the answer might be that you, right along with a whole lot of other people, are just making this harder than it has to be.