We’ve all heard this truism and something that’s so obvious that sometimes we don’t pay a whole lot of attention to first times after they’ve already passed, except maybe to have a reason to remember them fondly or while grimacing.
One of the things I learned early on about this bisexual thing – and mostly through the experiences of others – was how fucked up a lot of guys’ first time went and they were fucked up because they weren’t really sure of what they were getting themselves into; they had an idea – and one based on rumor and hearsay – but short of that, nope, not really a clue.
Then there were those guys who did have a clue but their first experience was anything but the mind-blowing event they had anticipated; not because the sex they experienced wasn’t all that but because when they had that moment of internal crisis after the fact, there was no one to help them, one, understand it and, two, help them get through it.
One guy I was talking to had said something along the lines of he’d be more receptive to playing with a dick if it wasn’t for the fact that the guy who gave him his first experience didn’t finish the job by leaving him hanging with a lot of doubts and fears.
I recall making a mental note to myself saying that if/when I gave a guy his first time, don’t leave him all fucked up about having done it. Also around this time, I was seriously and studiously learning as much as I could about this bisexual thing and from every aspect I could and whatever was available, which wasn’t a whole lot. I don’t know or remember how many guys I talked to, hearing their stories, their successes and failures, as well as their hopes in this and as opposed to how and why some were totally disillusioned, like the one guy who had, in his view, a very bad first experience; he had said that if the guy who did him had told him what he was getting himself into before the fact, he wouldn’t have taken the plunge at that time.
I found myself talking to a lot of guys who were interested in checking out dick but, clearly, they weren’t sure what they would be getting themselves into and I’d tap into the wealth of knowledge I had obtained and told them what I knew and, yeah, what I’d experienced. For some guys, it made them rethink wanting to do the nasty with another guy; for others, well, they were still gonna go for it with someone but now they learned that forewarned is forearmed – it’s better, much better, to have an understanding about this before the fact.
I also found myself having such conversations with guys and after listening to their thoughts about doing this (and, yeah, sometimes they wanted to do it with me), it was my thought that, you know, maybe you shouldn’t do this until you’re either more sure or you’ve got your head screwed on more or better. I understood, and even if they didn’t yet, that diving into this is a life-changing event and that’s putting it mildly because while it could be an amazing thing to experience, it could also ruin someone’s life with a lot of things that, left unattended to, well, to say things would be bad going forward was a gross understatement.
I’d give them the good old fashioned third degree and would really dig around inside their head to determine whether or not their desire to do this thing would be, at least in my own opinion, a good or bad thing for them. I’d tell them about all the horror stories I’d heard, share with them those moments where I’d walk away from an encounter with a guy and kicking my own ass because something about the encounter rubbed me the wrong way.
A lot of guys I had this conversation with would just stop whatever they were trying to experience and rethink it all… and some guys would want to proceed despite now being armed with information. For those guys who had decided that I should and would be the one to, ah, introduce them, the one thing they wanted to know, the one thing they wanted to be assured of, was that I wasn’t going to leave them hanging should they encounter problems after the fact.
I’d tell them that it was okay and pretty normal to be scared shitless right before the fact, that there was really no shame in backing out at the last moment and that if things got going and they decided they couldn’t deal with it or otherwise found things not to their liking, it was okay to call a halt to things and not continue.
To me, it just seemed to be the right thing to say to a guy, to tell him what he was seeking to get himself into, the pros and cons of it all and, importantly, chances were good that at some point after the fact, some internal chaos could show up and turn their lives upside down.
And I learned so much more, like how some guys were 100% sure that this is what they wanted and needed… only to find out that this wasn’t as… glorious as they had thought – yet another of life’s lessons that teaches us that it can sound damned good in theory but in practical application? Not so much and, hence, the importance of being there for a guy as much as possible when the shit hit the fan for them and their actions, instead of answering their questions, created even more questions that had to be answered.
I recall, a whole lot of years later, talking to a guy about dealing with first timers… and his approach, in my mind, was just totally irresponsible; to him, if a first timer didn’t understand what he was getting himself into, that wasn’t his problem or concern and if the first timer had issues during or after the fact, well, that wasn’t his problem, either. His opinion of my adopted approach wasn’t a kind one; he had asked me why I should care one way or the other about any guy who was “stupid enough” to get himself into something that he didn’t know shit about or, as he so callously put it, “You pay your money, you take your chances…”
And if there’s an inherent problem with male bisexuality, it’s attitudes like this and such attitudes get developed because some guys just forget that, once upon a time, they, too, had a first time. Maybe their first time didn’t go so well at any point in the experience and maybe it was the greatest thing since sliced bread… but to go forward and find themselves in the position of giving a newbie his first time – and not doing all that can be done in order to make that newbie’s first time the best it can possibly be, well, that’s just so totally fucked up.
True enough, even armed with all the information possible, not every first time experience goes swimmingly well, as evidenced by the many times I’ve seen guys just fall to pieces at some point. The reality of taking that first step into both the unknown and the forbidden, to be polite about it, can be a motherfucker and a half because a lot of guys don’t find out whether or not they can deal with this until they find themselves trying to deal with it. I’ve seen guys break down and cry; I’ve seen them get physically ill; I’ve seen them stop in their tracks and ask, “What am I doing?”
I’ve seen guys say, with much bravado, that they can handle this… and have seen them, after the fact, learn that, nope, not handling it well at all, are you? Today, I sit and read about guys fantasizing about their first experience and, frankly, it makes me nervous to see how much about actually doing whatever they want to experience they don’t know. They have an idea that it’s not really all that easy and while I can admire their determination to go through with their first time, often, you can tell that in their certainty, there’s still a lot of uncertainty and that’s to be expected: Hearing about how it’s done just ain’t the same as being the one in the position to do it.
And a lot of those guys do, sadly and in fact, find out that it’s a lot harder than they could have imagined – and that’s just getting to that moment of truth where one does… or does not. Some guys find themselves hung out to dry after the fact; again, now there are more questions than answers and, at least in my opinion, there is nothing worse than a guy having a very bad moment after the fact and there’s no one he can turn to who can help him get through this moment.
Maybe it’s a lot of “unnecessary hand-holding” or maybe even “babying” grown ass men who, in theory, should know what they’re getting themselves into but what really makes a guy’s first experience a good or bad one isn’t always up to him – it also depends on the guy giving that first experience. There was a time where I’d talk a guy out of going for it at that time and I’d feel pretty crappy about it until I found that more often than not, I did him a favor by insisting that he do more thinking about this or ask a busload of questions before “blindly” jumping into the pool because those waters are so murky that you just aren’t really aware of how many “sharks” are swimming around in there, those guys who just don’t give a fuck about you or your feelings as long as you do what they want you to do.
Again, I’ve felt that those guys who don’t give a fuck don’t remember their first experience or are of a mind that because someone made their first experience a bad one, any guy who comes to them for their first time is gonna bear the brunt of that bad first experience – if it wasn’t all that good for me, why should it be all that good for you?
At some point, there’s only so much thinking one can do before the fact and for the new guy looking to have that first experience and breathing life into his fantasies, now it’s about that moment of truth where they’re really gonna find out if they can, in fact, do all that shit they were thinking about. Fact: Some can. Also a fact: Some just can’t. And, again, my opinion, but guys need to know this before the fact.
Fact: Some guys do extremely well during and after the fact. Also a fact: Again, some guys don’t do well at all… and they need to know this, too, when doing their before the fact thinking.
Some guys find having these thoughts and feelings to be scary and they can be but as I tell the guys on the bi guy forum, that ain’t even as scary as being naked with a guy and moments away from dealing with his cock or having him deal with theirs. So you think you can suck a dick, huh? Well, there’s now a dick right in your face waiting for you to do something to it… and now it doesn’t seem to be as easy as you thought it would be, huh?
Oh, you’ve read about having a dick in your ass, have you? Think you know how to go about being fucked and even think that infamous pain just might not be as bad as you’ve heard and because you’ve stuff some toys in there and in preparation for your first dick? Wait until you really feel the real thing going in there and the whole thing is being driven by a seriously horny guy. Maybe he’s given his word that he’ll go slow and take it easy – and I’d never say that the guy’s word is invalid but the reality is shoving an inanimate object into your butt just really ain’t the same thing as feeling the real thing in your ass.
And guys looking for their first experience do need to know this, to have someone tell them the reality of it all… and I am often taken aback at how many guys aren’t willing to take the time to, at the least, make sure that the first timer before them is as ready as he can be to take that plunge.
As I’ve said, I’ve seen guys after the fact just… lose it. They’re now asking if they really did do the right thing for themselves, asking if, oh, my god, are they really gay and other forms of mental duress. And now the important thing is to assure them, and as best as can be done, that they’re really going to be okay and that what they’re going through in that moment isn’t unusual and, indeed, it was expected – and now here’s how we’re gonna handle this, okay, and it begins with a question: I know what you’re feeling right now but I want you to go back to when you were all into doing it and the question I wanna ask about that moment is were you having fun?
You see, in that moment of after the fact distress, a lot of guys do “forget” that before they found themselves all bent out of shape, there were having a fun good time doing it… and this is the thing they should be focused on more than feeling guilty or now second-guessing themselves about something that they’ve already done – there ain’t no take-backs in this, after all.
Bi guys have a lot of “problems,” from finding someone they can talk to about this before any fact and finding both the confidence and even courage to take the plunge for the first time. Ideally, they seek out and find a mentor, someone who will do their best to answer their questions and ward off any before the fact fears while telling them the unfiltered truth about having sex with another man and then in no uncertain terms.
And if a guy gets this valuable information and goes for it, it’s pretty damned important to have someone who’s gonna be willing and able to pick up the pieces should things fall apart… and because expecting them to fall apart can really and truly happen and in some rather spectacular and, sadly, devastating ways.
Call it stewardship, mentoring, or just being responsible but I’d rather talk a guy out of doing this and fill his head with a shitload of information than to see him go into his first experience and not so informed. And anyone who’s reading this and contemplating their own first experience? I’d encourage you to keep what I’ve written here in mind before you dive into the pool; understand what it is you’re thinking about getting yourself into but, importantly, do not fear it; sometimes, a first experience seems to go bad because one’s fears have already decided that it’s gonna be bad. And if you can find a mentor, by all means, do so – it could be the difference between having an amazing first experience or having your worst nightmares realized.