Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Nervous in the Service

One of the things you see me write a lot is that thinking and doing aren’t always the same thing. Another thing is that things sound good in theory… but can fail in the practical application phase.

One of the things a lot of bi guys fuss and fume over are those guys who are, bluntly, flakes; they talk a good game, make promises they wind up not keeping, and don’t show up for agreed-to meets and other annoying behaviors that not only makes them look bad and untrustworthy, but can also make other guys begin to question their decision to actively pursue their bisexuality.

While some guys are “professional flakes” – they ‘get off’ leading other men on only to leave them hanging and, I guess, they think it’s funny to do this – a lot of guys tend to second-guess themselves and their intentions to follow through with whatever they were talking to another guy about. I wouldn’t call the many guys I’ve encountered who chickened out at the last moment flaky because if I’ve not learned anything else, I’ve learned that when one is facing that moment of truth, yeah, that can be some very scary shit to be sitting in front of the guy you wanna do something with – and you get very cold feet.

Not just for rookies but even for experienced guys at times, too. It’s considered to be bad form to back out of a commitment of this kind – unless you have a legitimate (and proveable) reason for not showing up and a lot of guys feel some kind of way to find out that the guy they’ve negotiated to have sex with changes his mind… and as if no one is allowed to change their mind.

In the early days that I know of, there was no internet; no World Wide Web. Everything was either done face to face or, if possible, over the phone; there were sources like a “newspaper” we had where I live called “Swapper” that had a section for personal ads which included people looking for sex. Still, some guys would flake on meeting somewhere and some guys would get to the moment of truth and chicken out; maybe they changed their mind at the very last moment but, at the very least, the guy would show up to tell you to your face that he had second thoughts and has decided not to do whatever the two of you had been discussing.

While the internet made it possible to reach out to people all over the place, it also fostered anonymity as many guys hid behind their keyboards, assuming an “alter ego” and, sometimes, just telling other guys what they wanted to hear and often without any real intention to do any of the shit they were talking about. While this was – and still is – a practice that is as annoying as fuck, a lot of guys would hide behind their keyboards nameless and faceless (until the ability to share photos came along) and using their anonymity to get up the nerve to go meet a guy, get naked, and have the kind of sex they were talking about.

I’ve met with some guys who were so nervous that I was genuinely concerned for their wellbeing. Met a guy just for coffee once and two minutes into the conversation, he hauled ass to the men’s room to throw up. I’ve seen guys during an initial meet pay more attention to their surroundings than they were talking to me, often prompting me to ask, “What are you looking for?” because, sure, it’s one thing to sit at home and behind your keyboard… and something else to be out in public and for a reason that is considered to be morally reprehensible.

A guy had asked me, “Don’t you get nervous?” and my response was, “Every time I meet someone new.” He asked me how I dealt with it and I just shrugged and said something like I just don’t let being nervous bother me – but, of course, that’s always easier said than done and not all guys are able to set aside any nervousness and make it look easy to do. I’ve always felt that being nervous is just normal.

No one likes a flake, though. A lot of guys wonder what, if anything, can be done about flakes and the answer is, in my opinion, twofold: One is that there’s nothing you can do about flaky guys and the other is to not expect anything to happen. Yes, many consider these things to be a matter of honor; even if nothing happens, at least show the hell up at the appointed place and time. When I’ve arranged to meet a guy – and being very much aware of guys not showing up and/or changing their minds at the last second, I honestly don’t expect them to show up but barring that’ll come up for me, I’ll be there. If he shows up, that’s a plus but if he doesn’t, there’s no disappointment on my part since I didn’t expect him to show up in the first place. This isn’t to say that he’s a liar or can’t be trusted – it’s just how I deal with flaky situations since there’s really nothing I can do to exert any “control” over what someone else does.

Even if he shows up, I’m still not expecting anything to happen other than the two of us talking and even when it looks like we’re going to, um, retire to a place to do our thing, I’m still not expecting anything because I know he could change his mind at any time and for any reason that makes sense to him, from being horribly skittish to being so highly paranoid over being seen with another guy. Even if we get somewhere and get naked, I’m still not expecting anything because, again, I’ve seen a lot of guys back out at this moment and especially first-timers.

You might have thoughts and dreams of sucking a guy’s dick… but when the dick you wanted to suck is right there waiting for you to give it some attention, yeah, that’s some very real shit and some guys just can’t do it. Even in this moment, I’ve had guys become so nervous that they got physically ill. Unfortunate but there’s nothing to be done for it other than to ask him if he’s okay and if he wants to continue. If he does, fine – let’s just sit and talk about this some more and if you still can’t, that’s okay – nothing to be ashamed of. If he doesn’t, fine – at least he tried which, honestly, is better than a lot of guys manage to do under these situations.

Sure – I’ve had guys decide to move forward with the activities… and their whole body is shaking like the proverbial leaf in the wind and, honestly, I’ve had moments of shaky hands and other body parts, too – it just happens and I don’t make a big deal out of it since I’ve decided to do this and I will do it unless the other guy changes his mind. But that’s me… and I’ve had decades to perfect my own techniques to combat any nervousness.

And, sometimes, it’s not really a case of bad nerves: This moment can be so horribly exciting that a lot of guys get overstimulated before the clothes even come off – the anticipation can be a motherfucker all by itself. I’ve been with guys so excited that they can’t get hard; one guy was so excited that once we crawled into bed and I touched him – and it wasn’t his cock I touched – he shot all over the place. Yet another guy immediately lost his load when I merely kissed his nuts. Yet again, another guy got out of his clothes, was looking at my nakedness… and shot his load.

It happens and, yep, it’s pretty embarrassing and can make a guy feel some kind of way other than good… and it’s no big deal, nothing to be ashamed of since there’s not a whole lot to be done about having a high level of anticipation and few guys are totally immune to it.

Flakes? Not a whole lot you can do about them. Guys who are very nervous in the service? Just be patient. Do your best to make for a calming situation and environment as well as doing your best to curb your own enthusiasm; if you present as being very anxious to get it on, it could unnerve the other guy – but don’t sit there and look/act indifferently since that’s likely to have a negative effect on the other guy.

And, of course, do your best to be relaxed as well. With guys who are there to have their first experience, I’ve found that it’s easier to remind them that they don’t have to do anything if they can’t or don’t want to and that, at any time, they can call a stop to whatever’s going on. The hard part about doing things this way is not to let your own sense of disappointment fuck with you and I can tell you it’s a lesson that I had to learn as well.

Just because you’re ready to go for the gusto doesn’t mean the other guy is gonna be ready.

We “take for granted” that a guy who flakes is just some kind of an asshole and even more so when you try to reach out to them – and either can’t connect with them or your inquiries go unanswered. Maybe the guy is an asshole… and maybe his plans didn’t gel the way he wanted them to, that and in any of this, shit happens and tends to happen when you don’t want shit to happen. Even I’ve had to back out of meets and for reasons I either didn’t anticipate or even see coming – but as a matter of honor, I will contact the guy and let him know what the deal is; he’s either going to believe me or he isn’t and I can’t do anything about that.

And, yes – at times, I’ve had second thoughts about the guy; upon further review, something isn’t quite right with him and if I’ve learned nothing else, I’ve learned to trust my instincts – but honor “demands” that I try to let him know that I’ve changed my mind and why I did – but that’s me. A lot of guys feel that it’s better to beg forgiveness in this situation – or just don’t say a damned thing about it – than to be honest about why you chose not to show up.

You can’t do anything about whatever’s going on with them but you can temper your reaction to being stood up, flaked on, and even having someone chicken out in the moment of truth. Personally? I choose not to get bent out of shape about it – it serves no purpose. Sure, it would have been nice and all that but it remains true that I can’t control what someone else will or won’t do.

And there are always other opportunities.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Yet Another of Those Moments

I had met “Ken” via an IRC chat room i had stumbled into and decided to lurk a little since the conversation was, at first, hot and heavy but then got stupid as the malcontents known to frequent sexuality-based IRC chats disrupted things. Just as I was about to leave, I got a private chat request from this guy that wasn’t some dude trying to hit on me or some other dumb shit I didn’t want to be bothered with and the proof he wasn’t one of those guys is that he actually said hello and politely asked me to accept the request to chat.

So I did and we introduced ourselves… and I’m guessing that Ken and I chatted with each other for quite a few days after our initial chat where he confessed that he was very interested in learning some stuff about having sex with other men – and stuff that wasn’t the usual crap to be found in an IRC chat room – and because of the way I had answered some guy’s question, well, he felt that I was the guy he needed to talk to.

We established enough of a rapport that when he suggested that we meet and talk face to face, I was all for it; the only hangup was he wanted to meet the following evening and I had something else to do – but the evening after was clear for me and he gave me the place and time.

I couldn’t wait to meet this guy, not because I was itching to have sex with him but it was so refreshing to talk bisexuality with a guy at such an intelligent level. Oh, there was some flirting and naked innuendos but it was nicely done – none of the usual raunchy shit some guys liked to engage in like cybersex, something I really couldn’t get my head around all that well but, eh, I wasn’t beyond using my way with words at times so a guy could read them on a screen while he got himself off.

I arrived at the meeting place – a Dunkin Donuts – early the next evening and waited for Ken to arrive… if he was really going to. I’d had my share of flakes and while I tried to be understanding about being stood up, who likes being stood up? As I sipped on a cup of coffee and nibbled on a Dunkin Donut – the one with the handle on it for dunking – I scanned the people coming and going looking for the white/Oriental mixed guy Ken described himself to be or, as he had put it, “You’ll know me when you see me!”

He was right, too; I spied a guy who had Asian features and the “mop of very unruly hair inherited from his mother” the moment he walked through the door. A bit shorter than myself and a bit more stockier – not chubby, not fat… stocky. I waved to him and his smile lit up the brightly lit place as he waved back, got some coffee and a donut, and joined me at the table.

As we greeted each other, wow, without the black coffee he had in his hand, he was already bouncing off the walls and I found his exuberance refreshing and a bit humorous – you just couldn’t do anything but like this guy. We exchanged other pleasantries as we drank coffee before he said, “Come on – let’s get out of here and so somewhere so we talk talk more privately – follow me!”

I followed him in my car,,wondering where we were going but not feeling “weird” about the area we were in; I knew it well because it wasn’t more than ten minutes from where I lived. A moment later, pulled into a driveway and kinda waved at me to park and as I did so, I was wondering why I’d never seen him before now but I tabled the thought as I turned the car off and followed Ken inside.

Once inside, he asked, “Would it be forward of me to ask if we can get undressed and lie next to each other while we talk?”

Okay… never heard this one before but I agreed and followed him to his bedroom and smiling because he was still bouncing off the walls. We stripped down and took a moment to at each other’s nakedness and he said, “Wow… you have a nice body! How do you stay so slim?” as he patted his belly and a belly I wouldn’t say was a “beer gut” but just part of his being a stocky kind of guy.

I thanked him for the compliment, told him I’d always been slim without having to exercise and joined him on the bed… and we really did talk. I listened as he told me about his earlier “fooling around” with guys when he was 13 or so and kinda frowned when he said that none of the cock sucking he did (three guys) didn’t count toward his interest in doing something as an adult, my cue to kinda spank his hand a little for such a misconception and telling him that if you did it, you can’t undo it and shouldn’t act as if it never happened.

He actually looked contrite but said he understood as that he knew he was just lying to himself about it. And we talked. Even in the relative dimness in the room, I could see his eye get dinner plate big as I shared some of my experiences with him and it was all I could do not to laugh at him for being so… impressed? Still, even with both of us buck naked, it was relaxing and comfortable just lying next to him and talking – it was like we did this as a matter of course and as been doing it for a long time.

I was so comfortable that he actually surprised me when he asked, “Is it okay if I touch you?” – and then quickly added that it was okay with him if I wanna ted to touch him. I agreed and for the next few minutes, we lay there touching each other; he literally started touching my head, then my face, his fingers touching here and there like his fingers were trying to memorize everything about my body.

I, in turn, touched him just as he was touching me and I like the fact that he was in no hurry to wrap his hand around my dick. Indeed, when he got to touching my nipples, I guess they fascinated him because he kept playing with them and making me pretty insane. “Would it be too forward for me to kiss your nipples.”

“Ken, we’re naked together in your bed and we’ve been touching each other for a while now so if that’s what you want to do, I think the permission is implied at this point, wouldn’t you agree?”

My goodness… how he smiled! His first kiss on my right nipple was tentative and if he wasn’t sure about what he had asked to do and for a moment, I thought that if this was some kind of act, it was a damned good one and he got points for it. I shivered as his tongue tasked against my nipple and I heard him mutter, “Wow…” – then had a field day licking and sucking my nipples. His hand had finally found my erection and he moaned in a very odd way as he played with my dick while still going at my nipples.

I had to do something to distract him or, um, well, he was gonna make me cum if i didn’t. So I sat up, used a hand to gently insist he lie back, and did to his nipple what he’d been doing to mine – and then used my hand to keep him in place lest his writhing cause him to fall off the bed. And, just as he did to me, I fondled his erection, making him squirm even more. A part of me wanted to go in for “the kill…” but this was his meeting and, besides, I was damned curious to know what would happen next.

So I stopped and looked at him and he was smiling and blinking and, jeez, he was just so cute! As I looked at him, I wondered again why this man wasn’t already some guy’s lover other than, as he had said, he didn’t have the time or patience for anyone who didn’t want to go at his pace. So I looked and waited; i listened to him get his breathing under control and laid back down close to him – I could feel the heat radiating off of him and it was pretty intense.

“I think I’d like to go down on you, if that’s okay?” he asked a few moments later and I nodded my consent. But he made a pit stop, kinda draping himself on me a little and getting close so he could whisper in my ear:

“You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to…”

And I couldn’t help it – I started laughing. When I could stop, I said, “That’s usually what I tell guys who aren’t that experienced but, yeah, I know Imdon’t have to if I don’t want to but this isn’t about me – it’s about what you want to do and if I didn’t want to do it, I wouldn’t still be here.”

He was so precious and I appreciated his concern and consideration for my wellbeing and sensibilities and I stifled a laugh thinking about how he might react should he want me to go down on him…

I had kinda expected him to kiss his way down to my dick but he went right to it. He was tentative, like he either had forgotten how to do this or he was trying to figure it out. He looked up at me and asked, “Are all…?”

I knew what he was gonna ask so I cut him off by saying, “No – and some guys make me look very tiny…”

He laughed before returning to exploring me with his mouth. As an aside, most guys, when being sucked, prefer someone with experience and skill but there something… lovely about being sucked by a guy who, at the least, is doing it and seeming so I certain as Ken was. But that didn’t last too long; he found his footing and began to suck me in earnest and he was about to completely undo me so I gave him “the warning” and he stopped.

Whew! Ken had a glazed look about him and my dark-adjusted eyes could see how flushed he was and, yeah, his body heat was almost oppressively hot and had me sweating…well, on top of what he had been doing.

“I’m sorry if I’m nit that good at it… but I haven’t done this in a very long time,” he apologized.

“Do I look like I’m complaining?” I asked.

“No, you don’t,” he replied.

“Okay, then,” I said as I smiled at him.

“I guess it’s my turn now, huh?”

“It is.”

“You’re gonna make me cum, aren’t you?”

“I am… unless you don’t want to because, ah, you don’t have to.”

“Do it; I’ve waited for this moment for much too long…”

I unleashed The Beast upon him and The Beast showed no mercy and ate him alive. Oh, he was such a joy to suck! So responsive and surprisingly a bit more verbal than I had thought. His cock was easy to suck and he tasted so good; The Beast loved the way his body was responding as he fucked into my mouth… while saying he was sorry that he was losing control of himself.

Precious… just precious. The Beast toyed with him, savored his taste and feel and when he cried out that he was gonna cum, The Beast allows me to acknowledge his warning before shoving him right off them cliff and into the abyss.

And Ken came… oh, boy, did he ever! His whole body went board stiff and that first shot took me by surprise as it hit the back of my throat – then followed up with so much spunk that I had to hustle to keep up with it while wondering how long he’d been holding on to all of it.

The Beast fed upon him until he had no more to give and reluctantly went back to his cage to see what was going to happen next. I sat up, wiped the perspiration from my face and looked at Ken… then really looked at him to make sure he was still breathing. He was – he just couldn’t do anything but lie there.

From inside it’s cage, The Beast laughed hysterically.

“Holy shit,” Ken finally said. “Holy shit.”

“Are you okay?” I asked with genuine concern; just because Ken hadn’t freaked out before now didn’t mean he wouldn’t freak out now.

“Huh?” he asked.

“Are you okay?” I repeated – and trying not to laugh along with The Beast who,thought his response was funny as hell.

“No, not really but I will be. Um, I guess I should finish what I started with you, huh?”

“Only if you want to,” I said – and I meant it. Despite his three early-in-life experiences, I was treating him as if this was his first time and I take this situation very, very seriously.

“I really do,” he said,as he sat up… and plopped back down on the bed – he sat up too quickly. He cursed soft,y to himself, sat up, took a deep breath and pushed me onto my back gently and went back to sucking me – and I had to hand it to him because most guys, after the cum, can’t continue even if they wanted.

A few minutes later, I groaned that I was cumming and he hummed an “okay” against my swelling cock and I unloaded onto his mouth; The Beast thought it was funny that Ken initially gagged as my seed shot into his mouth; it can be such an asshole at times.

He release me and sat up – slowly – and asked, “Did I do okay?”

“Did you just make me cum?” I asked.

“Sure did!” and his smile was infectious.

“Then I’d say you did just fine,” I said, sighing happily – and hoping this wouldn’t be the last time we got together like this.

It wasn’t. Over the next year, we got together when time and other important things would allow. He learned that he very much like sucking cock and swallowing, liked it when our friendship got to the “fucking each other” stage but didn’t like fucking so much – for him, being fucked was much more fun for him.

The bad part? I knew it wasn’t going to last much longer because it seemed that whenever I found a guy I really resonated with, something would always happy to break things up. And it happened. I moved to the other side of the city and he took another job in another state the same day I had told him that I was going to be moving farther away. I think he took all of this harder than I did… and I took it pretty hard and more so because we never got a chance to “properly” say goodbye to each other, that and the distance that would get between us was a bit too great to make visiting each other a reasonable thing to do.

But as much as I enjoyed my time with him, it was as if every moment we were together as like the very first time. I had hoped and prayed that if he found someone else, he would be able to enjoy them as much as he enjoyed me… and my search for that one special guy began anew.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Do They Know What They’re Missing?

I’ve been having a rather spirited conversation with a guy on the forum about, um, doing the nasty with guys and at one point, he opined that guys who aren’t interested in this aspect of sex don’t know what they’re missing and, to expand on that, yeah, sure – people who are not of a mind to have sex like this may not know what they’re missing… but some of them do know: They’re just not of a mind to cross the line because we’re not supposed to shit like that.

If nothing else, what they may be missing is an… expansion of their desire to have sex. See, when it comes to bisexuality, many people think that straddling the line is exchanging one form of sex for another… and that’s the wrong way to think about it.

You’re not substituting one form of sex for another – you’re adding to whatever sex you’re already having or, as my protege aptly put it, you’re adding something to your sexual menu. There’s always the stigma against such activities yet, despite the presence of the stigma, um, people are adding to their sexual diet just the same. Many resist this addition to their diet because they’re thinking about who – whether the additional menu item is male or female – but not thinking about what – having sex in an expanded kind of way.

I get a kick out of the many people I have heard say they love sex but ask them if they’d go the same-sex route and, oops, nope – they don’t love sex that much but, again, I think it’s because they’re thinking who and not what. One of the things I learned early on is that your body doesn’t care who is pleasuring it – but your mind does. A long time ago, I conducted an experiment with a group of people who were of a mind that who was doing something did make a difference. Made some blindfolds, set some conditions – go down on someone and no extra touching allowed – and while you’re being sucked or eaten, tell everyone how you’re feeling – then take off your blindfold.

Many of the participants were shocked but it proved the point I was trying to make: Your body doesn’t care – only your mind does because it’s been conditioned to think that way… until that conditioning gets broken by some means and for some reason. What made the experiment even interesting is that no one in attendance objected to the conditions of the experiment.

Think about that one for a moment or two.

I asked a question in yesterday’s scribble: What’s the difference between a man eating a woman’s coochie and a woman doing it? The only difference is who is doing it and, of course, the same goes with sucking cock. There are some subliminal differences, shit that you’re aware of but cannot put into words like, women just “feel” different from guys and there’s that whole thing that only women are supposed to suck dick and only guys can eat pussy.

And it’s a lie and a bald-faced one at that. A lot of people know it’s a lie… but social perception, wow, that’s a motherfucker and a half, ain’t it, will keep a lot of people right where they are even if somewhere deep inside their mind, hmm, ya know, it might not be that bad of an idea to find out what all the fussing is about. They don’t and, I think, it’s not because they’re worried about having sex like this so much as they are seriously worried about what others will think should it be discovered that “Dorothy” got her coochie eaten like never before – and it was “Sara” who sent her way beyond seventh heaven.

I’d not say that it’s not a genuine concern because it is – our society, on the whole, still reacts very badly to such things but the question I ask people who point to this as to why they’d never do anything like that is, “How would someone else know that you did this? There’s only two ways that could happen: Either you told someone else or the person you did it with told someone that you both knew – and the word spread faster than the speed of light.”

Otherwise, um, who would know other than yourself and the person you were having this kind of sex with?

Do they know what they’re missing? Again, a lot of people do know; they correctly understand that there must be something to it… because there are a lot of people throwing it down like that – and “a lot” is a gross understatement. The real question is do they wanna risk being shat upon and dismissed from there circle of associates by finding out if it’s true that women eat pussy better than men or that men suck cock better than women?

Many don’t and that’s understandable. People aren’t stupid; it doesn’t take being Wile E. Coyote to reason that, um, having your pussy eaten or your dick sucked feels really damned good and that the only thing that really makes a difference is the skill level of the person doing it. Some folks are of a mind that they’d not go this route because they don’t think they’d be good at it. A real concern… but we learn by doing, don’t we and many people get surprised to find out that, hmm, they’re much better at it than they originally thought.

Guys fucking each other. Scary stuff, right? I’ve asked guys who have had anal sex with women what they though the difference was doing the same thing to a guy… and they’ve all said, “It’s a guy!” when the real answer is, “There is no difference – you’re thinking about the person and not the act itself.” But sticking your dick in a guy’s ass is one thing… having a guy stick his dick in your ass? Whoa – hold up! Yeah, we all know it hurts and that “no one in their right mind would do that” given what that orifice is for… yet, we know that there are men who prefer, like, and love to be fucked and, yup, it doesn’t matter if the object in their backside is the real thing or a fake thing… attached by straps to a woman and some guys prefer a woman pegging them over a man dicking them down.

Why? Because they’re thinking who and not what so much. It is to note that a lot of the guys who like being pegged really do want to know what having the real thing inside them feels like… but they’re afraid to find out and the social angst and all the disease cards being thrown around keeps them from finding out. Do they know what they’re missing?

Yeah… they do, but. What’s the different between a woman pegging a guy and a man having his cock in there? A couple of things and the first is obviously “who…” that and a guy is gonna bust a nut in there (and, safely, in a condom).

Now, it is said that one cannot miss that which they’ve never had and, by and large, this is an accurate statement… except when it comes to sex because while there are many who have not had this kind of sex, there are many, many more who have thought about it – and even if they’ve rejected the notion. What would it be like? Would it be different? Good? The worst thing ever? What would my friends think? Shit, what would I think should such a thing happened and I find that I liked it?

Some folks know people who goes both ways and some are privy to the juicy details so, as least in this context, they do know what they’re missing and more so if, say, “Dorothy” tells “Laura” – and because “Laura has proven that she can be trusted – that “Sara” ate the living daylights out of her and, shit, she didn’t know it could be that good.

And “Laura” might think that, uh-uh – I’d never do that… but what if “Dorothy” has stumbled onto something? She liked it and I know she said she’d never allow that to happen, never thought about it, wouldn’t do it for any reason… but she did.

Hmm. Maybe “Laura” sticks to her guns and chooses not to find out what “Dorothy” has found out – but can it be said that she now knows what she might be missing? And, if she chooses not to, why did she? I’d say that she’s not thinking about getting her pussy eaten – she’s thinking about who’d do it and they’re not male – and thinking about the social angst she’d be subjected to if anyone ever found out.

The truth is that not everyone can break the social conditioning against having sex like this. Some people are aware that there’s something missing in their sexual life and maybe they do, in fact, know what’s missing – but they reject the notion because, forever and ever, people are not supposed to have sex like this…

And in the face of the very real fact that a lot of people are having sex like this and, again, “a lot” is a very gross understatement on my part. Do they know what they’re missing? Maybe. Are they afraid of it? Definitely. Some find out and they’re indifferent about it while others find out and it literally changes their lives because everything they’ve been taught about sex just got invalidated.

It can feel very damned good to have a guy suck your dick and it can feel very damned good to have a woman licking your coochie. We maintain and hold as true that only a woman knows what a woman wants; the reverse is true for men but, ah, we don’t talk about that in this context. And there’s a reason why this “truism” has been around for as long as it has been and even women who are “strictly dickly” have heard this – and they generally agree – but. There’s always that “but” that shows up and the same with guys although, eh, we’re not so much of a mind to admit that except to maybe say that “it makes sense…” but.

Many folks are of a mind that they aren’t missing anything where this is concerned but maybe even they’re wondering why there are so many people who are, um, not missing anything because they’ve added this to the sexual diet. Do I think they’re missing something? Yeah, I do – and it’s not just the sex they’re missing out on.

Okay… there’s nothing wrong with being just straight or gay – if it ain’t broke, don’t fuck with it, right? Some people are bi because it is broken and some are bi because they knew something was missing – then found out what it was and the matter of “who” was providing what was missing becomes a non-issue – it’s the what, the sex, the intimacy and, yup, it’s a “different” way to get one’s cookies crumbled.

There is a reason why people who do this for the first time often say, “I didn’t know it could be like this!” or “Now I know what I’ve been missing.” Not so much “who” – although, sure, that matters to some – but “what” – another way to have sex and in addition to the way they’re already having it.

Do they know what they’re missing? Probably – and some are happy missing it… but that is and has been changing exponentially…

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: A Kind of Self Doubt

I was sitting here, kinda/sorta paying attention to what the weather weenies on The Weather Channel were talking about and my mind changed channels on me and had me thinking about the many times I wondered why I’d have sex with other guys.

In the early days, shit, there was nothing to think about other than how much fun it was, how “nasty” it was, and relishing in the thrill of doing something boys weren’t supposed to do with each other and risking getting caught at it, knowing that the punishments could be severe. But as time marched on and the initial thrill of it kinda wore off, I’d find myself thinking about the why of it all and, um, sometimes when I was right in the middle of something.

I hadn’t yet learned how to push those distracting thoughts away and I’d find myself deep in thought as a guy was happily screwing me or, sometimes, I’d find myself sucking dick on autopilot because my mind was questioning why I was doing this “bad thing” in the first place.

Today, I still think about all the naysayers who insist that we don’t think about what we’re doing when we lie down with another man and I continue to beg to differ with those who say such things and more so since I’m fairly sure many of them have never had reason to contemplate their actions and any consequences thereof.

That little voice in my head would say, “What are you doing?” and my mental response would be, “What does it look like I’m doing?” and the little voice would be ignored but somewhere along the line, it changed tactics and instead of asking me what, it would ask me, “Why are you doing this?”

Oh, I clearly remember the first time this popped into my head and, it figured, while I was happily screwing a guy and maybe a good minute or so away from creaming his butt. In my head and nearly drowning out our combined moans and cussing, I heard, “Why are you doing this?” and it came around so loudly in my mind that I actually stopped screwing him; the question distracted me so badly that I wasn’t even aware that I was shooting my stuff into him and he was kinda giggling and squirming as my balls emptied.

The distraction seemed to last a long time but it was really only a few seconds or so but the question stuck in my head and it demanded to be answered.

Why indeed? Wasn’t it enough that a lot of girls would let me do it to them, from licking their pussies until they begged me to stop to that glorious feeling of releasing inside of them? Well, no – apparently not.

The question plagued me at times, had me doubting whether or not I was doing the “right thing” by having sex with another guy until one day, the answer to the question came to me… as I was cumming in a guy’s mouth.

Why am I doing this? Because not only does it feel good to do it, it feels pretty damned normal to do it. Do I know how wrong it is? Of course I do, just like I know that it being wrong is… wrong. I hadn’t quite figured out the reason why it was decreed to be wrong but I knew it and as surely as I knew my own name. Sometimes I’d find myself being… detached, like I’m just a spectator of sorts watching myself doing something with a guy.

It was a hyper-awareness, being in the moment but not lost in it – that’s the best I’ve ever been able to explain it. What made this even more interesting was the fact that I’d be… hyper-aware while eating pussy or sliding in and out of a girl and after a few times of being in such a disturbing state of mind, another answer came to me and, hmm, again when I was cumming in a girl who was moaning for me to shoot all I had into her.

It’s sex. Maybe not in the way it’s supposed to be done but sex just the same. It’s reverting to a more primal, basal instinct that’s hard-coded into me – and just as it is in everyone – but there’s an… inhibitor in place, that stuff that gets hammered into us that says there is only one way to have sex and if it’s not with a female, you’re doing it wrong.

Except, it’s not all that wrong. In the beginning, I had asked myself a question: Why does something that’s supposed to be wrong feel so good? And there was only one real answer: Because it’s supposed to feel good; they just tell us that it isn’t good when it feels good when having sex in a way that’s not allowed.

Whatever self-doubt I had been engaging in just went away. Well, maybe not totally because I was now very much aware of that “nugget of morality” that was still in place that would speak up at times when I had a dick in my mouth or in my ass, reminding me that my punishment would be to burn in hell for all of eternity.

And I’d blithely think, “Probably… but I’m not gonna be the only one getting deep-fried for doing this…” The self-doubt would hang around, poking at me, trying to make me second-guess myself as well as doing its best to make me regret jumping on this bandwagon.

“How many times have you not liked the way things went?”

“More than I wanted to be made to think about, thank you not so very much. And just so you know – and I know that you do – how many times have I been with a woman and not liked the way things went? What? Ya got nothing to say now? Yeah… that’s what I thought.”

“Asshole.”

It didn’t make sense to doubt myself and I thought that maybe I was because I didn’t know or have reason to doubt it before – and now this kind of self-doubt was trying to make up for lost time. It sounded silly when I first thought of it and it still sounds silly at this moment – but when you’re digging around inside of yourself and trying to sort shit out and put it into some kind of order and perspective, yeah, sometimes the things that comes to mind are just silly – but also tends to make sense.

But I also saw that this kind of self-doubt could affect others and now that I could recognize it in myself, I could see it in others. Am I really doing the right thing? Should I be doing this? Many questions generated not only in my mind but others as well and all because that kind of self-doubt wants to show up and shut things down.

I’m screwing a girl and once again became hyper-aware; I’m humping away inside of her, she’s clinging to me, her legs wrapped a bit too tightly around me as she’s humping back against me… and I understood it. I mean I really understood it. It was an epiphany, every question, every moment of that kind of self-doubt became a non-issue. The funny thing is that she must have sensed that I wasn’t “all there” because she stopped moving and asked, “What’s wrong?”

I remember looking down at her, deeply into her eyes before I looked down between us, saw that we were as close as two people can ever be (outside of being in the womb) and I said, “Nothing’s wrong – I just understood something I had been thinking about.”

I finished inside her and I understood what it all meant and the asshole that now lived inside my head saw it and put it into perspective – and it didn’t like that there was no real difference whether I was having sex with a girl or a guy… because it’s sex. I learned, in that moment of hyper-awareness that your body doesn’t give a fuck about who’s giving it pleasure… but your mind does give a fuck until you can learn to ignore the self-doubt, set aside those feelings of wrongness in a given situation, and just enjoy having sex since, um, it’s supposed to be enjoyed even though, yeah, sure – there are gonna be times when it’s not going to be so enjoyable.

Going forward, the asshole in my head stopped asking questions and that kind of self-doubt would sit in the corner and sulk because I wasn’t paying any attention to it. Asshole would just say, “You’re doing it again…” and I’d say, “You’re damned right I am!”

The asshole would try to fuck with me after the fact, saying shit like, “You know your stomach wouldn’t be all queasy and shit if you hadn’t swallowed that guy’s sperm, don’t you?” Yeah, I know… but I had fun doing it. And, yes – there were still the moments where I’d ask myself why I thought doing it with this guy was a good idea… but that was the asshole in my head trying to get some revenge on me for learning how to ignore it.

It was a good idea at the time; doesn’t mean things are going to go – or end – the way ya might think.

I can’t even remember the last time the asshole in my head – and that kind of self-doubt – had anything to say or, realistically, had something to say that I felt a need to pay attention to. What am I doing with this guy? I’m having sex with him – duh. Why? Um, because I wanted to and it feels good? Do I know I’m not supposed to? Yeah, I know it… but ask me if I really give a fuck over this not supposed to be done.

I don’t. I can have sex with men and women; I don’t regret it, don’t doubt any of it. It’s not always a good decision at times but that’s just the way it goes – it’s just an occupational hazard and one that anyone who wants to have sex just accepts as part of the whole thing. Things might not turn out well but most of the time, it always sounds like a good idea at the time and, yeah, sometimes it doesn’t – but let’s do it anyway because it just might turn out to the best decision you made in this moment.

The only question to be asked is, “When can I have sex again?” And the only doubts to be addressed comes in the form of who can I convince to have sex with me – but such a thing has always been in doubt because we all don’t think about sex the same way.

Someone asked me, a long time ago, if I had any doubts or regrets over being naked with another man and doing whatever with him and I said that if I had any – and I’m not saying that I didn’t – they are of no consequence; what’s done is done and while I can always second-guess or doubt my decision to have sex, eh, what’s the point in doing this when, again, what’s done is done. And, importantly, I understand this and, uh-huh – I’m not the only one who understands it.

It’s being human. Having sex. Doesn’t matter if I’m eating pussy or sucking dick or being as physically a part of someone as humanly possible outside of the womb. Because not doing this doesn’t make sense and feels wrong. This isn’t a fairy tale; it’s not even the accepted/ideal way to have sex – this is real-deal, real-life shit and shit that says that who you do it with doesn’t matter all that much as long as it’s being done and the outcome, well, it’s gonna be whatever it’s gonna be since it’s better to try and fail than to not try at all.

And not trying at all? That’s the real failure, the real reason that kind of self-doubt should rise up and make you question yourself about having sex. There is always the way it’s supposed to be and there’s the way it can be… and one of those ways involve getting a man’s cock hard and doing something to make it soft again and/or having a guy get your cock deliciously hard so he can make it deliciously soft. And if all of this happens with a woman – substitute clit for cock for her – okay, that works, too, because it’s supposed to work.

I have no doubts about this. None. Zero. I’m just being the way I can be in this and if the asshole that lives in my head doesn’t like it – and, by the way, the asshole still doesn’t like it – well, too bad.

I like it both ways and that’s my answer and I’m sticking to it.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Something He Said

Collaredmichael, in his comments to yesterday’s scribble, said, “We fantasize about my Queen making me suck someone’s dick. She also wants to see me taken anally. More than likely it will never happen but we do fantasize about it regularly. “

That had me thinking about some guys I know of who, as a part of their D/s thing, are “made” to suck dick and even get boned. One iconic story I don’t think I’ll ever forget is about a swinging couple who are very much into D/s as well and his confession that when they play with their favored couples, he sucks a lot of dick and gets fucked a lot… but insisted he wasn’t bisexual.

Even then, it had me wondering about the whole D/s scene and in terms of if one does this, are they just following and obeying orders given by the Dom but they have no real interest or desire for this or, by obeying/following orders, they now have a chance to express themselves in a way that, “normally,” they may not have been able to?

Yet another one of those “damned if I know” things although, at a high level, I can’t honestly get my head around “making” someone do something that they might not really want to do… but I also think that if the Dom looks at er man and says, “Suck that dick!” well, hmm, maybe the sub never had reason to see this one coming – and literally. When the guy I just told you about shared his story, it made me realize how much I didn’t know about this D/s thing and in the many forms it apparently exists in so, yeah, I was asking myself, “Why in the world would he do something that he says he wasn’t really interested in?”

I asked him and he simply said, “Because my wife said so – it’s part of the thing we’re into.” I read his answer and my brain started bouncing around inside my skull – then bounced even harder when he insisted, again, that he wasn’t bisexual and more so when he wasn’t interested in being sucked or doing any fucking.

He was just following orders, as it were, and orders he obviously didn’t have a problem with and found quite enjoyable. I had asked him, “But what if you don’t want to do that?”

He responded, “That can’t happen; if she commands it, I must obey or be punished for it.” Um, okay, I thought that made sense because who wants to be punished for being disobedient? Then I learned that some people like being punished for anything that is deemed to be disobedience or noncompliance to the established rules.

It makes me wonder if a guy is the sub and his Dom commands him to suck dick, what’s going on in his head and more so if he’s never entertained the thought and is otherwise not of a mind to do that? Is his first thought, “Oh, hell, no – I ain’t feeling that!” or is it, “I hear and obey! Now, where’s that dick you want me to suck?”

Again, I don’t know and maybe some of our resident D/s aficionados can help me out with this one. Why is this of any real import? Well, I’m glad you asked!

On the forum, there are a lot of submissive bottoms and a few who are into cuckolding (or want to be) but one key thing with these guys is that they want to suck dick and/or be fucked – and being the sub in (I guess) their idea of a D/s atmosphere is just what the doctor ordered. One guy gleefully regales us with being “ordered” to suck his wife’s lover clean after he’s had his way with her or to “bend over and spread his cheeks” because that’s what she requires of him but he’s always been leaning in this direction anyway so “following orders” just facilitates things for him in this.

That’s fine – whatever makes boats float. It makes me wonder if, when starting a D/s thing, this particular thing is talked about when it’s time to sit and lay down the rules. If it isn’t, do the rules allow for, um, modification and based on whatever happens to go through the Dom’s mind at any given moment and the key thing is disobedience isn’t going to be tolerated? Does it help if the sub is kinda leaning in this direction already so if the order ever appears, nah, it’s not gonna be a problem? Or if not leaning, does it present a problem that needs to be sorted out… or really a matter of being obedient and no matter what’s being asked of you?

Where’s DDJennifer when I need her? Help! I’m even gonna ask Collaredmichael how this works in his situation since I do know that every D/s arrangement is different. When I replied to his comment, I forgot to ask him, “Well, what if your Queen wants that to happen?” and, yes, I am now officially asking you this question along with what would go through her mind about wanting you to experience this… and what would be your thoughts if the word was ever given?

I know there are guys who want to be “made” to suck dick because it satisfies their need to be submissive, not that they wouldn’t do it without being “ordered” to do it in that sense – but that might not be in what could be considered a “true D/s” kind of thing… but maybe it is… and if so, it’s an aspect of this M2M thing I know I need a better understanding of where a guy/gal who is normally straight just might find themself doing, uh, un-straight things because they’ve agreed to obey lest they be punished for disobeying the will of their Dom.

Are there lines in this that cannot ever be crossed? If someone has never had a same-sex experience – but is commanded to engage in this fashion, is that a problem? Should it be? Or it just is what it is?

I very much dislike not knowing something…

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Romance – Yea or Nay?

Saw a comment on the forum thread about older guys and bisexuality and the comment was about the romantic aspects and that little voice in my head said, “Yeah… a lot of bi guys are leaning more toward sex with romance and “getting away” from sex without it… but why?”

Yeah… y’all know me by now and if you don’t, hold my coffee.

We’ve known all along that sex and romance goes hand in hand and that, in this context, having sex with someone you care about is not only a physical expression of our feelings for them but makes the sex better, meaningful, and with substance. We’ve also known, all along, that sex “for the sake of it,” is just as good, has meaning, and isn’t without substance but because we’ve been told to not have sex with someone unless we have feeling for them, well, it’s a “habit” that we’ve not been able to really break – and not that it should be broken.

Some bi guys don’t care for the romantic aspects and for what I think are two reasons. One is being romantically involved with another guy is just too weird and the other is that a lot of guys are very much romantically involved with a woman or, as I heard a guy say a long time ago now, “Romance? That’s what women are for but when I want a guy, I just want to have sex with him!”

At the end of any day, you do the thing that works best for your sensibilities but this topic, among bi guys, is rather divisive and in other topics I’ve read, the debate on whether or not romance is essential can get rather heated. One camp says that if there are no other feelings involved other than lust, nothing can ever happen while the other camp says that anything other than lust just overly complicates an already complicated situation and more so when a guy is already romantically involved with someone and, oddly, with or without sex.

Decades ago, a woman I was talking to about being bi asked, “How can you have sex with a guy you don’t have any feelings for?” – and it was a good question given how we look at this. It was the first time I said, “I don’t have to have ‘feelings’ for him – I just gotta like him enough to want to have sex with him.”

“That doesn’t make sense,” she said.

“Well, I’m a guy… and it makes sense and probably more so since I happen to love women and having those deeper feelings for them,” I had said.

“So, it’s really all about the sex?” she asked.

“No, not always because I do sometimes feel more for a guy than just an urge to get into his pants,” I said. “But the one thing doesn’t have anything t do with the other, does it?”

She said it did but, sure, she’s a woman and women – and I’ll say generally speaking – aren’t fans of having sex without that emotional connection being in place. Men have gotten a bad rap over the ages because for many of us, the two things are not mutually inclusive and we’re dogs because we can have sex just because we want/need to have sex – but if deeper feelings come into play, okay.

A while ago, I read something I thought was rather pointed: Women look for a relationship and find sex while men look for sex and find a relationship… and I kinda kicked myself because I never thought about it like that even though, as a man, I’d been quite true to this premise – it was a bit of a wakeup call and one I still feel I should have gotten way before I actually did – but that’s me.

Also a while ago, I scribbled about a new “trend” in the M2M dynamic: Bi guys were now looking for a relationship first and I had said, “Hmm… that’s interesting!” While having a same-sex relationship was never really off the table for bi guys – it was something you just didn’t hear a whole lot about – I got to thinking about this shift, digging through a lot of stuff to get to the root of things (and as I’m wont to do) and, okay, I think I see what’s going on here and, in and of itself, actually isn’t a bad thing…

Unless you ask a guy who has zero interest in being romantically involved with another man what he thinks about that. A lot of guy avoid that deep emotional connection like the worst plague in human history but, yeah, they want the dick; they want the intimacy of sex and sex in the “forbidden mode” and, almost predictably, once they begin to realize that their feelings for a guy is more than just sexual, they’re in the wind and as fast as they can manage to do so.

Fact: The only morally “legal” sex is relationship sex. Fact: Fornication – that’s sex without a relationship being in place before the fact – is a sin and one punishable by spending eternity in hell or some other form of purgatory.

Fact: We need to have sex in order for our minds and bodies to work optimally and, also a fact, this need is stronger in men than in women. One theory I read about a few years ago said we behave the way we do about sex because sperm is plentiful but eggs aren’t so women have to be picky about who gets access to their eggs while men don’t have to be picky like that and, really, we’ve all heard about guys needing to “sow their wild oats,” haven’t we?

Social programming and conditioning was designed to keep us – guys – from doing a whole lot of sowing while shaming women into avoiding any sex that didn’t have shit to do with allowing their precious eggs to be fertilized except under certain conditions, oh, like being in a relationship with a guy and being in love, for example.

Yeah… it’s complicated… but despite all of this, men and women do have sex because, um, that shit is fun and if there aren’t any strings attached, so much the better since, preferably, you wanna attach said strings to someone you care about and more than just someone who can scratch that itch for you. But even in things hetersexual, we’ve seen this same behavior where there are two camps, one in favor of casual and recreational sex and one in favor of sex only in a relationship mode and with the appropriate feelings involved.

I’ve been around long enough to see how the dynamic has shifted from guys throwing the dick down on each other because they could to settling into the more formal mode of avoiding casual sex and in favor of relationship sex. Again, not necessarily a bad thing because it represents a form of “normalization,” I think – just because it’s two guys (or two gals) doesn’t mean we can’t go about this the way we’ve always gone about it and this, as strange as it may sound, actually makes a lot of sense…

If we could all agree that it does… and we don’t. A lot of bi guys in the “relationship first” faction get totally bummed out because trying to find a guy who is of a similar mind is pretty damned difficult. It’s not really about being in love and as we understand it – it’s about being able to have sex with someone who is going to be invested is us in some way; maybe not a boyfriend in the conventional sense but, sure, a friend with benefits – and a degree of exclusivity – would work just fine as long as, again, that arrangement is more than a sex-only kind of thing.

More and more guys are opting to keep their pants on if that investment isn’t – or can’t be – established and, again, that’s not necessarily a bad thing but I’ve also seen FWB change from something that’s a bit more than casual to becoming more of a committed thing to be involved in and it’s not that surprising because this is something we know about and know well – it’s normal to have loads of sex with someone you care about, considered distasteful to just have sex because it can be done.

The “hearts, not parts” gang gotta be deliriously happy about this but their premise is more pie in the sky stuff than what’s really going on since sex is about the parts but historically rarely without taking into consideration the “heart” attached to the “parts” or, simply, we do think about who we wanna have sex with which is why, I think, we rarely, if ever, have sex with someone we know we don’t like or can’t find something interesting enough about them so that sex can be done.

Or, as I say, I don’t have to be all into a guy to get nasty with him – I just gotta like him enough to want to. Here’s the thing I grew up with: You find a guy interesting enough that you wanna get naked with him and if he’s agreeable, it’s a done deal. If the interest continues either because the sex was all that and/or you find that you have more in common than just liking dick, so much the better because who doesn’t want to have that friend they can be open enough with to have sex? Wait… isn’t it said that having sex with a friend isn’t a good thing? Yeah, it is… and now you might begin to see some shit taking shape and some shit that I’ve always found interesting because it’s a contradiction – perception versus truth – and, yep, complicated.

Some guys say, “I can’t see myself falling in love with another guy…” and that’s in the romantic sense; we slice and dice it because many of us will tell a guy, “I love you like a brother, man!” – but that love isn’t romantic and might not be sexual at all and as such, it’s all good. But, again, there are a growing number of men who are of a mind that romantic intent is implied in this and it kinda fucks with some guys because, um, they’re already romantically involved and usually with a woman.

It sounds crude but some guys are really of a mind that if they have a woman, they have the best romantic outlet known to mankind which lends itself to a lot of disappointment because when your need for romance is in hand, the “only other thing” you need to go along with the romance is sex – theoretically speaking, of course… and men are infamously known for being able to have sex without romance being involved – we look for sex and find a relationship.

A lot of guys are of a mind that, say, wanting to suck a dick (or five or ten) and just because it can be done is the wrong way to go about doing this and, I think, with great disregard for the fact that, um, men do behave like this. It’s not that we’re “afraid” of romantic entanglement – we just somehow know that you can have one without the other but, sure, when you can have both, that works, too.

Women say that we’re emotionally closed off… and that’s not really true – we’re just not open 24/7 to our emotions like that because we’re taught to keep our emotions in check, well, except for getting pissed off about shit. It’s not that we’re opposed to romance – many of us are hopeless romantics at heart but many of us say, have said, will say, that being in love or otherwise romantically involved with a guy just can’t happen… or it’s not supposed to… but it does since we know about gay men. Even I once said I could never fall in love with a guy… then I did and it was eye-opening, magnificent, and the strangest thing I’ve ever experienced.

But, like so many other guys, I don’t need to be “in love” with you to want to have sex with you. I have to like you and to whatever degree that happens to be – yep, I do pay attention to the “hearts” thing because not paying attention to this aspect of things just doesn’t make any sense at all. But I understand something and something it seems to me a lot of guys don’t: Men aren’t women and I find it a bit “disturbing” to see a lot of guys being of a mind that they can deal with a guy in the same manner they’d deal with a woman. Emotionally, we’re different – big time duh – but in other ways, not so much. Guys fret and fuss about dating each other and how problematic this is for them and, I think, because dating is a prelude to establishing a relationship… and a lot of guys just ain’t feeling that and more so if they’re already in a relationship and getting some dick is that “something on the side” thing.

In this, some guys are trying to invoke a form of monogamy into a sexual situation that doesn’t lend itself to the rules of monogamy; if you’re already in a relationship, tacking on another relationship “doesn’t make sense” but the sex? Yeah, that can still happen, you know, if you want to and we don’t really have to be more than just friends for this…

And, apparently, this is becoming less true these days. I sit back and take note of these particular debates and I marvel at them because I can see, if no one else does, that wanting to be in a meaningful relationship with someone and with sex as a perk is something that’s ingrained in all of us – now, whether or not it really works has always been up in the air. We’d prefer to surround ourselves with people who give a fuck about us as a person and avoid those people who just see us as a means to an end.

So if “Pete” just wanted to hook up with “Carl” just to have sex without developing a more deeper bond, well, “Carl” probably ain’t feeling that NSA stuff… and “Pete” isn’t looking to get “tied down” with another guy like this and the end result is nothing happens… when both guys know that something should happen and because it’s supposed to – or it could if we weren’t now of two minds about this.

It’s fascinating to see this at work and more so since I’m now able to see this at work more than ever before thanks to the Internet and having better access to other bisexual men and their thoughts – and feelings – about this. Bi guys are saying that you can’t get their dick or their ass (or both) without some kind of commitment or investment in them… and others are saying that all of this ain’t even necessary. Nice but not mandatory in the grand scheme of things. We want a guy to come back (and, yeah, literally so) for more of us, not just for the sex we can provide but because of us as a living, breathing and, yes, feeling person. If you just wanna get at us and we’ll never see or hear from you again, well, that’s not cool – and now guys are finding out something that women know about us and tend to despise us for.

And it’s no wonder that some gay men avoid bi men at all costs because we’re not so inclined to be romantically involved. Yes – like you enough to want to bump uglies with you, not so much of a mind to play house with you and, facts being what they tend to be, a lot of guys shy away from M2M romance because – and I almost ‘hate’ to say it – it’s too gay for their sensibilities and, well, um, bi guys aren’t homosexual guys and to “expect” a bi guy to behave like a true homosexual doesn’t seem to make sense because we love those crazy women too much to give them up just to be romantically and sexually exclusive to and with another guy. But, yeah, even that happens but you don’t hear much about it when it does.

Finally – and I know y’all are thinking, “It’s about time!” – we have long held to the fact that love and sex aren’t the same things – they just work well together except, even where sexuality is concerned, sex without love or, realistically, that emotional bond being established and firmly in place is just wrong and in the minds of many. To those folks who see bisexuality as some kind of abnormal behavior, I wanna tell you that it’s not as abnormal as you think it is because, regardless of sexuality, we all want the same things in life. We want and need sex and preferably with someone we care about and who cares about us and bisexuals, it seems, are falling in line with this preference because you don’t have to rely on a single source to be able to have and get both affection and sex.

The “problem” is that the reality we don’t want to really acknowledge says something different and, so, bi guys are of two minds about this and I’m not gonna say that one side is more right than the other because it’s all about what works for an individual and, perhaps, not so much the way things are supposed to be.

You decide if romance is mandatory or not even if you’re not bisexual. Think about why you feel the way you do about it and maybe you’ll see why this fascinates me so much.

 

Life, Living and Loving: When Rules Attack!

First, a few things about alternative relationships. People form relationships, follow the rules of monogamy, and think that things not only won’t change, they’re not supposed to change; whatever the prevailing conditions are, that’s what you have to work with which is fine, right, and proper.

But Change is an unstoppable beast – a force of nature, if you will. Humans don’t much like change – we are creatures of habit and once we adopt a habit of any kind, changing it – stopping, modifying its behavior, etc., isn’t easy to do and the way we go about relationships is a habit as well as a decree set down by some very long-dead peoples who decided that the way we were living – think of polyamorous groups/clusters that were conducive to survival – was just plain wrong and that settling down – and staying down – with just one person was gonna be the best way to do things going forward.

Even way back in those very early days, um, that shit didn’t quite work the way they said it should and, many centuries later, it still doesn’t quite work the way they said it should because the one thing I think those rule makers never really took into consideration is Change except to mandate that if Change does come to visit and certain changes were needed, your only recourse was – and still is – to reject any such changes, dissolve the relationship, and try your luck again and, hopefully, with someone who wouldn’t be swayed by Change and who was quite fearful of the consequences of having the audacity to want things to change.

Even as far back as the 1950s – and for the purposes of this scribble it’s the time I arrived kicking and screaming into the world – things like wife swapping were all the rage in suburbia although I suspect that it was always on the DL since the first couple who broke the rules looked at each other and said, “This shit ain’t working – so what are we gonna do?”

Ah, those blasphemous, hedonistic heathens! Being non-monogamous while still being officially a couple? Not playing by the rules and rules that not only applied to the legally married but to anyone in a relationship? Impossible! Never to be done! All manner of fire and brimstone will be visited upon you shameless sinners!

Yet, despite all the ruckus, alternative relationships kept right on going, maybe not as much of a “mainstream thing” but, yeah – couples in a relationship were becoming more aware of the fact that the rules we were meant to live by and at all costs just weren’t allowing a couple to be as happy with their conjoined lives as they could be.

But figuring out how to bypass the rules isn’t easy because what you want is to have your cake and eat it, too… and there were no instruction manuals on how to do this, leaving people to their own devices to bend, twist, and even break the rules and make this non-monogamous thing work.

Enter the nitroglycerin and a habit that was developed to prevent something that is anathema to us all: Losing the person we’re with. Some really smart folks, way back in the day, figured out that if you got rid of the rules, you needed new rules to take their place and since the original set of rules supposedly were able to prevent loss of this type (not counting dying, of course), well, any new rules had to be able to do this… and this is where things got iffy and, yes, I’m understating things.

An unmarried couple makes the decision to open their relationship so that a MFF threesome can happen; the guy in the relationship – and for whatever reason made sense to him – thought it would be hot as fuck for his girlfriend to have sex with another woman… but the girlfriend, eh, wasn’t really feeling that but, okay, let’s give it a try. He arranges the threesome, they all jump into bed and his girlfriend starts having sex with the other woman… and, who knew – she liked it and dove in with a gusto, leaving the boyfriend in a spectator mode. He didn’t like that, got mad because he was being summarily ignored and even madder because his girlfriend was having way too much fun than he was… and broke her jaw in three places.

A married couple decided that opening their relationship was a better option than getting a divorce but the husband, who feared losing his wife to any guy who could make love, have sex, or fuck her better than he could, stuck in rules that would allow him to control what his wife could and couldn’t do – and in this case, one rule was that she could suck all the cock she wanted to… but couldn’t partake of the other guy’s sperm in that fashion. They engaged with another couple, things were going well; the wife was happily sucking away on the other guy’s cock and he lost his load and the wife happily partook of it since, in her mind, this was what she wanted to do (among other things). Because she broke the rules, they were divorced a few months later. He contended that, for one, she had planned to break the rules and that she wasn’t paying the required amount of attention to know when the other guy was going to cum – and she should have known this and dutifully stopped sucking him; that the guy wasn’t able to hang on to his load was deemed not to be his fault. So a ten-year marriage that, up to that point, had been going very well got thrown away.

Another married couple opened their marriage and with a lot of rules designed to prevent loss of the relationship but to also control each other’s behavior, i.e., only pre-approved and supervised activities were allowed and any spontaneous activities were prohibited. That meant that if the wife or husband ran into someone who pushed all of their buttons to make sex happen right away, nothing was supposed to happen. The husband – and the one who pushed for supervised sex – wound up in such a situation and handled the matter and as it called for. The wife found out and, bluntly, tried to kill him by stabbing him in his sleep for the rules violation; he spent months in the hospital recovering and she wound up being a guest of the state for a number of years.

Yet another couple decided to do this rather than dissolve their relationship but the guy, knowing of his lady’s desire for, ah, people of color, prohibited her from exploring this avenue. Another spontaneous “shit just happened” moment found her with a man of color and when her boyfriend found out hours later, he threw her out of their home, turning his girlfriend of many years into a destitute homeless person.

Another couple went for the gusto but the woman, who argued for this change was told that she could not partake of any cock that was bigger than his and let’s say that he wasn’t as endowed as he would have liked to be. They didn’t have a rule against spontaneous interactions… so when one happened, that wasn’t the reason why their relationship went down the toilet – it was because the guy she fucked had a cock that was, reportedly, only about an inch bigger than her man’s dick.

All up and down the line, people who try on alternative relationships tend to make similar mistakes that either makes the attempt fail and/or destroys an otherwise good relationship: Trying to prevent loss and trying to control how they have sex with others. On top of such restrictive and suppressive rulemaking, the other mistake often made is trying to be monogamous in a situation where monogamy cannot work; it’s kinda hard to “keep only unto yourself” when you’re trying to do the opposite.

One couple decided they wouldn’t exactly be open but they’d have an approved boyfriend or girlfriend and while this was deemed to be a fair thing to do, both people in the relationship inserted nitroglycerin-laced rules to limit when they could have sex with their new partners, how they could do it, stuff like that. The husband felt that the rules imposed were being violated by the wife who was having sex with her new boyfriend like there was no tomorrow… but not finding any fault in himself as he was banging his new girlfriend in a similar manner. Further compounding the problem was the fact that the new girlfriend and boyfriend were having sex with each other and going for all the gusto. The alternative relationship was dissolved and the marriage was obliterated six months later with both parties pointing the finger at each other for rules violations.

A woman asked for and got permission to have a girlfriend and it was agreed that the girlfriend could be shared with the boyfriend. Things got off to a stunning start; the chemistry between the three of them was amazing until the girlfriend started to feel that she was being left out of things and unhappy that her boyfriend and their girlfriend were having more and better sex than she was. In this case, no rules were violated but more baser things were in play – jealousy, possessiveness, envy, self-loathing, etc., and as a result, the alternative relationship was terminated because things weren’t going the way she envisioned they would.

Another couple set themselves upon this path and with the non-negotiable rule that no feelings other than lust take place. After months of engaging with her male partner of choice, she found that she was in love with him and he with her and the nitro went off big time; she was guilty of a major rules violation and was sent packing… but it was discovered later that the woman he had been involved with, well, he was in love with her but neglected to mention this. Their relationship went to shit because of these violations and eventually went down the drain.

Another couple set off the nitro they put in their alternative relationship because they both spent more time being with others than they did taking care of business at home. The problem here wasn’t exactly a rules violation but something that happened because a rule wasn’t put in place, namely, take care of home first. Since they didn’t have this rule, the relationship didn’t survive the resulting explosion when the nitro went boom.

In all of these real-life examples, copious amounts of nitroglycerin were added to the relationship mix and shook up in a way that would guarantee that the whole thing was going to blow up in everyone’s face because of micromanaging something that really shouldn’t be micromanaged.

There should be rules; to operate under these conditions without rules is just plain crazy. But rules should be put in place with some things that are, in my opinion, very damned important, beginning with if a rule is made, it can be changed if necessary or, everything is negotiable. Likewise, people change; playing by the established rules is all well and good but doesn’t take into account of how the power of sex can effect changes – and many act as if this should never happen. People put in loss-prevention rules that, on paper, make sense – the core relationship should be preserved at all times – but without considering that, well, shit happens and when you don’t want it to. A couple can promised to do this and not let this break them up – and while you can do your best to control what your partner can or can’t do in this, you can’t control their feeling or their thoughts.

A lot of these endeavors go awry, not because of rules violations, but due to a failure to communicate; they set things in motion after a lot of talking about things… and nothing more is said unless a rules violation is detected and then it’s all about how the violator is to be punished and then more restrictions are added – right along with even more nitro and other stuff that likes to go boom when you mess with it too much.

No one seems to take into consideration that Change wants to happen even when it’s deemed not to be in a couple’s best interest – then they find that if Change isn’t allowed to happen, well, boom goes the nitro. If you set down a very rigid set of rules to prevent loss and to control everyone’s actions, you’ve also set down enough nitroglycerin to, let’s say, blow up a good-sized city. Yes, you want nature to run its course in this but you also want everyone involved to be aware of the consequences of their actions and how those actions can and will impact the alternative relationship just as much as the core relationship can get jiggled enough to cause an explosion.

The trick – and one that most people who try to do this never learn – is to put the minimum amount of rules in place like take care of home first, don’t bring anything home that you’re not of a mind to be responsible for and, I think, a very important rule, talk about whatever has been taking place and making adjustments as necessary to ensure that the core and alternative relationships can continue to operate as smoothly as possible.

Some couples agree to do this thing but put in a rule that says whatever you’re doing – or whomever – they don’t want to know anything about it. In this, the “whole purpose” of the alternative relationship is set aside, that being, sharing the experience with each other. Now we get into the most fatal and nitro-jiggling thing: Thinking “me” and not “us.” Many folks get on this path thinking about what they want and being of a mind that because it’s what they want, their partner – who they expect to agree with this – has no involvement at all… and the endeavor fails due to a lack of communication and zero experience sharing so that any changes that might be called for never happen – and changes that could keep things running smoothly.

What many find out is that instituting an alternative relationship is a lot harder than a regular relationship. When you go +1 (or more) the whole relationship dynamic changes and there must be attention paid to a few very key elements: Communication, time management, problem and conflict resolution. I maintain that if you do not possess any of these skills – and they are all needed – you will set off the nitro and this will blow up in your face and catastrophically so. These things are not static… any more than being exclusively monogamous is as static as it they say it’s supposed to be. Why? Because people aren’t static – they’re dynamic or they are always subject to Change showing up and nudging them in different directions and the simplest example of this is how many times in any given day you change your mind about something or how your feelings are flowing from one moment to the next.

The thing here is that we go through these changes… and we don’t always notice them but delving into an alternative relationship will sure as hell make you aware of changes… if you’re smart and observant enough to pay attention… and you should be. Where there are some rules that shouldn’t be broken, any other rules should allow a lot of wiggle room or if you don’t allow for someone to screw up, boom! Rules should be adjusted as needed; if the woman in this needs to have the “don’t cum in her mouth” rule revised, she should be able to sit down with her partner and talk about changing this, the pros and cons and, importantly, how changing this rule is going to impact the core relationship as well as how it’s gonna make her feel.

If scheduled and supervised activities is making things difficult, it’s time to sit down and talk about revising this particular rule. Someone feeling left out? Not getting “their fair share” of things? Sit down, put it on the table, and work the issue until a solution is reached that everyone can live with – and with the understanding that such a solution might need more work at some point.

If a couple isn’t diligent and dedicated to making this work – and willing to put in the huge amount of work that’s necessary, you’re gonna set off all that nitroglycerin you’ve added to the mix… and when it goes boom, it ain’t gonna be pretty. And then there’s this: Most of the shit that will make the nitro go off can be avoided but, as I always say, to not set it off, you have to unlearn everything you thought you knew about love, sex, and relationships so that you can learn a new way to do these things.

Those who fail to learn get blown the fuck up. If you try to control or micromange things, like retaining the “right” to choose your partner’s partner, this will blow up in your face and, indeed, anything you put in place that will serve to be restrictive and designed to not let someone be the way they need to be in this, boom.

If you try as hard as you can to prevent loss, you’re gonna experience and suffer it and I can almost guarantee that this will blow up in your face. Yes, you have a duty to preserve the core relationship but when you do the “logical” thing and construct very restrictive and inhibiting rules to ensure that the core relationship will remain intact, you’re gonna set the nitro off pretty quick when those rules lack flexibility and you take away someone’s ability to adapt to situations.

And, really, if you aren’t aware of just how powerful sex is, whew, I hope you have a blast-proof suit on… because you’re gonna need it.

So, Jennifer: How did I do? It is to note that I didn’t include things like Jennifer’s DD stuff; that’s a very different kettle of fish and, well, you should go read her blog to see how she and her cadre manage this kind of relationship – it’s impressive as fuck and I’m not easily impressed. The thing is that Jennifer and all those involved found a way to manage their +1 (or more) relationship without setting the nitro off and utterly destroying things. They found the right mix of things to make it work; they communicate, manage things without micromanaging them and when change is called for, they get together and work it out so that things keep working as smoothly as humanly possible.

It’s a lot of work and something I know for a fact; it makes being in a one-on-one relationship look like child’s play and ridiculously easy by comparison. But it can be done… if you’re willing to put in the work that will be necessary to make sure the nitroglycerin never goes boom.