One of the things you see me write a lot is that thinking and doing aren’t always the same thing. Another thing is that things sound good in theory… but can fail in the practical application phase.
One of the things a lot of bi guys fuss and fume over are those guys who are, bluntly, flakes; they talk a good game, make promises they wind up not keeping, and don’t show up for agreed-to meets and other annoying behaviors that not only makes them look bad and untrustworthy, but can also make other guys begin to question their decision to actively pursue their bisexuality.
While some guys are “professional flakes” – they ‘get off’ leading other men on only to leave them hanging and, I guess, they think it’s funny to do this – a lot of guys tend to second-guess themselves and their intentions to follow through with whatever they were talking to another guy about. I wouldn’t call the many guys I’ve encountered who chickened out at the last moment flaky because if I’ve not learned anything else, I’ve learned that when one is facing that moment of truth, yeah, that can be some very scary shit to be sitting in front of the guy you wanna do something with – and you get very cold feet.
Not just for rookies but even for experienced guys at times, too. It’s considered to be bad form to back out of a commitment of this kind – unless you have a legitimate (and proveable) reason for not showing up and a lot of guys feel some kind of way to find out that the guy they’ve negotiated to have sex with changes his mind… and as if no one is allowed to change their mind.
In the early days that I know of, there was no internet; no World Wide Web. Everything was either done face to face or, if possible, over the phone; there were sources like a “newspaper” we had where I live called “Swapper” that had a section for personal ads which included people looking for sex. Still, some guys would flake on meeting somewhere and some guys would get to the moment of truth and chicken out; maybe they changed their mind at the very last moment but, at the very least, the guy would show up to tell you to your face that he had second thoughts and has decided not to do whatever the two of you had been discussing.
While the internet made it possible to reach out to people all over the place, it also fostered anonymity as many guys hid behind their keyboards, assuming an “alter ego” and, sometimes, just telling other guys what they wanted to hear and often without any real intention to do any of the shit they were talking about. While this was – and still is – a practice that is as annoying as fuck, a lot of guys would hide behind their keyboards nameless and faceless (until the ability to share photos came along) and using their anonymity to get up the nerve to go meet a guy, get naked, and have the kind of sex they were talking about.
I’ve met with some guys who were so nervous that I was genuinely concerned for their wellbeing. Met a guy just for coffee once and two minutes into the conversation, he hauled ass to the men’s room to throw up. I’ve seen guys during an initial meet pay more attention to their surroundings than they were talking to me, often prompting me to ask, “What are you looking for?” because, sure, it’s one thing to sit at home and behind your keyboard… and something else to be out in public and for a reason that is considered to be morally reprehensible.
A guy had asked me, “Don’t you get nervous?” and my response was, “Every time I meet someone new.” He asked me how I dealt with it and I just shrugged and said something like I just don’t let being nervous bother me – but, of course, that’s always easier said than done and not all guys are able to set aside any nervousness and make it look easy to do. I’ve always felt that being nervous is just normal.
No one likes a flake, though. A lot of guys wonder what, if anything, can be done about flakes and the answer is, in my opinion, twofold: One is that there’s nothing you can do about flaky guys and the other is to not expect anything to happen. Yes, many consider these things to be a matter of honor; even if nothing happens, at least show the hell up at the appointed place and time. When I’ve arranged to meet a guy – and being very much aware of guys not showing up and/or changing their minds at the last second, I honestly don’t expect them to show up but barring that’ll come up for me, I’ll be there. If he shows up, that’s a plus but if he doesn’t, there’s no disappointment on my part since I didn’t expect him to show up in the first place. This isn’t to say that he’s a liar or can’t be trusted – it’s just how I deal with flaky situations since there’s really nothing I can do to exert any “control” over what someone else does.
Even if he shows up, I’m still not expecting anything to happen other than the two of us talking and even when it looks like we’re going to, um, retire to a place to do our thing, I’m still not expecting anything because I know he could change his mind at any time and for any reason that makes sense to him, from being horribly skittish to being so highly paranoid over being seen with another guy. Even if we get somewhere and get naked, I’m still not expecting anything because, again, I’ve seen a lot of guys back out at this moment and especially first-timers.
You might have thoughts and dreams of sucking a guy’s dick… but when the dick you wanted to suck is right there waiting for you to give it some attention, yeah, that’s some very real shit and some guys just can’t do it. Even in this moment, I’ve had guys become so nervous that they got physically ill. Unfortunate but there’s nothing to be done for it other than to ask him if he’s okay and if he wants to continue. If he does, fine – let’s just sit and talk about this some more and if you still can’t, that’s okay – nothing to be ashamed of. If he doesn’t, fine – at least he tried which, honestly, is better than a lot of guys manage to do under these situations.
Sure – I’ve had guys decide to move forward with the activities… and their whole body is shaking like the proverbial leaf in the wind and, honestly, I’ve had moments of shaky hands and other body parts, too – it just happens and I don’t make a big deal out of it since I’ve decided to do this and I will do it unless the other guy changes his mind. But that’s me… and I’ve had decades to perfect my own techniques to combat any nervousness.
And, sometimes, it’s not really a case of bad nerves: This moment can be so horribly exciting that a lot of guys get overstimulated before the clothes even come off – the anticipation can be a motherfucker all by itself. I’ve been with guys so excited that they can’t get hard; one guy was so excited that once we crawled into bed and I touched him – and it wasn’t his cock I touched – he shot all over the place. Yet another guy immediately lost his load when I merely kissed his nuts. Yet again, another guy got out of his clothes, was looking at my nakedness… and shot his load.
It happens and, yep, it’s pretty embarrassing and can make a guy feel some kind of way other than good… and it’s no big deal, nothing to be ashamed of since there’s not a whole lot to be done about having a high level of anticipation and few guys are totally immune to it.
Flakes? Not a whole lot you can do about them. Guys who are very nervous in the service? Just be patient. Do your best to make for a calming situation and environment as well as doing your best to curb your own enthusiasm; if you present as being very anxious to get it on, it could unnerve the other guy – but don’t sit there and look/act indifferently since that’s likely to have a negative effect on the other guy.
And, of course, do your best to be relaxed as well. With guys who are there to have their first experience, I’ve found that it’s easier to remind them that they don’t have to do anything if they can’t or don’t want to and that, at any time, they can call a stop to whatever’s going on. The hard part about doing things this way is not to let your own sense of disappointment fuck with you and I can tell you it’s a lesson that I had to learn as well.
Just because you’re ready to go for the gusto doesn’t mean the other guy is gonna be ready.
We “take for granted” that a guy who flakes is just some kind of an asshole and even more so when you try to reach out to them – and either can’t connect with them or your inquiries go unanswered. Maybe the guy is an asshole… and maybe his plans didn’t gel the way he wanted them to, that and in any of this, shit happens and tends to happen when you don’t want shit to happen. Even I’ve had to back out of meets and for reasons I either didn’t anticipate or even see coming – but as a matter of honor, I will contact the guy and let him know what the deal is; he’s either going to believe me or he isn’t and I can’t do anything about that.
And, yes – at times, I’ve had second thoughts about the guy; upon further review, something isn’t quite right with him and if I’ve learned nothing else, I’ve learned to trust my instincts – but honor “demands” that I try to let him know that I’ve changed my mind and why I did – but that’s me. A lot of guys feel that it’s better to beg forgiveness in this situation – or just don’t say a damned thing about it – than to be honest about why you chose not to show up.
You can’t do anything about whatever’s going on with them but you can temper your reaction to being stood up, flaked on, and even having someone chicken out in the moment of truth. Personally? I choose not to get bent out of shape about it – it serves no purpose. Sure, it would have been nice and all that but it remains true that I can’t control what someone else will or won’t do.
And there are always other opportunities.